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Chloe comes to visit Clark and see how that whole "Going to Krypton, saving Baby Clark from the clutches of Braniac back in 1989 to preserve the future" thing is going. Turns out it's not. Clark is being all mopey and shitheaded about Lana again (stab me. Please. Stab me dead.) and has decided that the world would be better off if he'd never come to Earth. So he's decided the best course of action would be: to do not a damn thing. Action hero! Before you can say, "It's a Wonderful Life (But a Terrible Show)," Clark is shown the bullshit comic book "What if?" version of life without Clark. Lex is president (did we fast forward to when he's over 35 years old?). Kara did come to Earth, but was adopted by the Luthors and became a government agent who used her powers to help Lex become president. Chloe and Lana both met awesome guys; Lana married a French dude and had kids, Chloe was about to get married to some other guy who isn't Jimmy, Clark, or Pete. Clark Kent exists, but he's a douchey farmboy with no powers. G-g-g-ghost Clark goes to the newspaper and finds that Jimmy is a bow-tie wearing photographer who pines after Lois, a much smarter Pulitzer-prize winning journalist who is trying to take down President Lex. Lois and Clark (who get a little flirty) find out that Lex has invented a nuclear threat to the U.S. as an excuse to preemptively executive his own nuclear strike. Clark goes to the White House and reveals himself to Kara. They both discover that the plan is even worse: Lex's right-hand-robot Braniac is calling all the shots and has convinced Lex to destroy the world, pack all the smart and awesome people into bunkers, and rebuild with a new world order. Braniac's own plan is simpler, though: make Lex the vessel for Zod and have him repopulate the planet with Kara. President Lex shoots Kara and Clark with Kryptonite bullets and it's Game Over, man, Game Over! Until Clark is pulled back to The Fortress, where he's given a stern lecture by Jarnelle about not being such a selfish, destiny-denying dickweed. Shamed, Clark goes to Krypton (which takes, literally, half a second), and saves Baby Clark by making sure the cute little tyke gets on that spaceship to Earth. Kara tries to kill Braniac, but does a piss-poor job of it, because at the end of the episode, she has some sort of attack in the Kent kitchen. It could mean that Braniac is taking over her body. Meanwhile, Lana is still not cured of her coma, leading Clark to be even more depressed, a situation that can't have been helped by Lois taking him out for beers. Want to feel worse about humanity sometime? Watch Lois Lane get drunk.
-- Omar G. is a journalist and comic living in New Braunfels, Texas. You can find him on Terribly Happy, Space Monkeys! and at Videogamey.com. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Warning: big-old comic tropes and brain-bruising time-travel plots ahead. Proceed with caution. Don't think too hard about it or your head will hurt. Mine already does.
We open on a very distant shot of the Kent Farm at night. The barn is lit up and there's a crescent moon. Some depressing stuff must be going on inside. Up in the loft, which is looking quite festive these days with its strung-up lights and decorative lamps, Clark is hunched over, reading Kryptonian. "And when you come out of the closet, Kal-El, it's totally cool. We will accept you, even if the Earthlings don't..." Hey, wait a minute. This can't be the right translation! Clark's eyes wander from the Kryptonian symbols in Dr. Swann's journal to a framed picture of Lana, in happier, pre-zombie times. Clark stares at the photo, then fixes his firm, immobile gaze back on the journal. If only there was a Kryptonian symbol for "Girlfriend in a coma." A blurry blonde shape comes up behind Clark. We see her from over Clark's shoulder. It sure sounds like Chloe, but someone forgot to take the camera off auto-focus. Psst... Clark! Tom Welling! Anyone! Focus! Chloe complains about speed traps on the way. Why the Hell is Clark making you drive to him? He's the one with the super speed. Oh yeah. We haven't seen him use a lot of superpowers lately. Budget cuts. You'll have to suck it up on that gas money, Chloe. Clark says he got another S.O.S. from Kara. Clark reads, badly, "Krypton will be destroyed any minute Brainiac is getting closer please hurry." (Apparently, there are no commas or periods in Kryptonian.) The journal entry ends with, "Your life depends on it." He closes the book. Wow, that is the shittiest Harry Potter ending I've ever heard.
Chloe says, out of nowhere, that Brainiac must have used Kara to jump back in time to the moment that Krypton exploded. Huh? How'd you make that leap of logic? Chloe says that all Brainiac has to do is stop the baby (who was Clark) from taking off from Krypton and... "You'd be standing in an empty barn," Clark finishes. Except she wouldn't, because she'd have had no reason to come to the barn if there was no Clark. You SEE!? This episode is gonna be a fucking pain in the membrane. Clark gets up, frustrated. Chloe tells him that if they made the "Quantum leap" that he must be able to as well. "Kara mentioned the Fortress has the ability to send me back," Clark says. Why didn't you tell Chloe that earlier, like weeks ago? Clark says that if he takes the octagonal disc there, Jarnelle can make it happen. Couldn't they have saved the whole planet, then? Why didn't they do that years ago? Chloe grabs Clark's Octagonal Disc Hiding Book of Not-So-Great Hiding and tries to hand it to him. She asks what he's waiting for. Direction, maybe? "I'm not going," he says. Chloe says that he has to go or he could fade away at any moment. If that really happened, would they even know? Wouldn't this conversation already have ceased to exist? Ugh. Headache.
Clark starts walking down the stairs, trying to ignore Chloe. She follows, telling him she understands how last time he messed with the past, it cost his father's life. However, she says Clark doesn't have a choice. Clark thinks he does. He says that ever since he arrived, he's only brought out meteor freaks and phantoms, and by extension, death. Also: suffering. Well, yes, but let's go beyond the effect on me. Chloe reminds Clark that he's done so much good. When you first heard there'd be a TV show about Superman, did you ever imagine that after seven seasons, he'd be this whiny bitch who would rather moan about his poor self than save the world? Clark says he's taking responsibility for the lives he's ruined, including Lana's. Chloe desperately asks him not to be stubborn. She tells him not to do this. "We need you! I need you!" Clark says that she won't ever know he was there and that she'll be fine. Chloe, on the verge of tears, tells Clark she's not letting him off the hook that easy. She presses the disc into his hand. "This planet will be better off if I never existed!" Clark tells her. Suicide, much? Stare-down. The octagon begins to glow. A ray of light shoots up from the thing. Dammit, Chloe, look what you've done! This is going to take a whole episode to fix! A field of blue light surrounds Clark as Chloe says, "My God, Clark!" Clark disappears into a blip of tiny light.
Clark is now lying on the floor. He wakes up. There's hay around him. Hey! He stands. Clark calls for Chloe as the camera spins around him. Clark is in the barn, but sunlight comes in from one area at a time, as if giant soundstage lights are being turned on in order. "Hey, what the Hell are you doing on our property?" someone speak-mumbles. It's a skinny kid wearing a Smallville High letterman jacket. "What? Who are you?" Clark asks. The young man steps forward. He's got closed-cropped hair and looks about 16. "I'm Clark Kent," he says. Who the Hell are you? Dramatic music flares up like a hemorrhoid.
Opening credits. Commercials. Really long Speed Racer trailer. Well that was... colorful?
Kent Farm, daytime. Clark (the whiny Kryptonian one) throws open the kitchen door, but is mindful enough to grab it so it doesn't slam against the wall. Everything in the kitchen looks the same except one thing: a framed photo shows this other, dickish Clark Kent instead of Kal-El Original Recipe Clark, standing to Bo Duke and MamaKent. I am going to kill that dirty photographer! Clark Kent II walks in through the open kitchen door. "Hey! What are you doing?" he asks. He's all out of focus. Wow, Kal-El, it really is about keeping the camera focused on you the whole time this week, isn't it? He says he's not in the picture. "You're their son," Kal-El says. Clark II says that he is and that he's lucky Bo Duke wasn't around or he'd have busted out with the 12-gauge. Original Recipe Clark's eyebrows rise. "He's alive?" he asks, happily. He doesn't wait for an answer. He starts to go up the stairs, calling, "Dad?" "What's your problem?" Clark II asks. Kid, do you have about 12 hours to hear them all? The teen says that nobody's home and that if this stranger doesn't get out of his house, he's calling the sheriff. "I never made it to Earth. I don't exist here," Original Clark says to himself. Yeah, I'm sure that makes perfect sense to this sleeker new model of Clark Kentiness. "Well, unfortunately, you do," the kid says. He mentions that he still hasn't been told what this douchebag is doing in his house. I think I like this kid more than the real Clark. Pacing, Original Clark says that somehow he's here anyway, even though he never got on that ship. The kid offers to give this crazy person some help. Clark the First says he needs to talk to Bo Duke and MamaKent. The kid says they're away on a cruise, celebrating Bo Duke's birthday. Wow, this farm really took off without an alien there to do all the work. Must be all those government subsidies. Clark Part One asks about Lana Lang. The kid doesn't know her. He offers to call the sheriff. Clark in the First says it's all right. He just wants to check on his friends and needs to use the phone. I wait for the kid to offer a third time to call the Sheriff.
Fly-over of Smallville. It's the first time we've seen a view like this in a while. We cut to a street view, where there seems to be a lot more activity than normal. Clark spots Chloe coming out of a building that might be The Talon. The man she's with runs inside the building to get something. Clark (the one and only Kryptonian version from here on out) goes to her as she's looking at flowers. He pretends to have been part of the Smallville High Class of '05, even though that's no longer true. Chloe says her inner database is coming up empty. I don't think Chloe would have forgotten the name of one of her classmates. "Do I know you?" she asks. He introduces himself as Clark Kent and tells her he was a bit of an outsider. Like outside of existence. He says he's trying to find a mutual friend: Lana Lang. "Uh, the cheerleader?" Chloe asks. She didn't really know Lana and lost track of her after graduation. Clark asks if Chloe could use her investigative skills from The Torch to help him track Lana down. Just then, Chloe's man comes and joins her. Heeeeeyyy. He's quite the hot one. It turns out Chloe has some wedding planning to do. The guy is her fiancé. The guy says the wedding's on Sunday. We flash to Chloe's small, but cute, engagement ring. Clark congratulates her. He says that's great. Chloe's dad (Gabe!) apparently just called and is waiting at the tuxedo shop. Chloe apologizes for not helping. She goes off with her man. She says she hopes Clark finds Lana. "Chloe," Clark says, stopping her, "I'm really happy for you." Chloe smiles back and thanks him. Well, that's one life Clark didn't completely fuck up. Maybe we should be keeping score.
Daily Planet. The building is still in the glorious dark shadow of the LuthorCorp building. We cut to the inside, where the camera is squarely focused on a Daily Planet logo up on the wall. It then loses focus to track the view of Jimmy Olsen, who is looking through the viewfinder of his camera. He focuses on Lois Lane, who, ponytailed, walks through the newsroom with more confidence than usual. Jimmy's view is obstructed by some sort of big, dumb object, almost a.... oh, hi, Clark! "Nice bowtie," Clark says. Indeed, Jimmy is wearing an old-man's choker. As Jimmy tries to look over Clark's shoulder, he says it was a present from an old girlfriend. Jimmy says the girl took his heart away, but left him with a sense of style. It doesn't look like it was a fair trade. Clark asks if he's THE Jimmy Olsen, the photographer. He lies that every time he sees a photo in the paper he likes, it was taken by Jimmy. Jimmy, flattered, says he wishes Clark was his editor. He says the woman who edits him thinks he has focus issues. "She should check her eyesight," Clark advises. Jimmy chuckles. He asks if Clark works there. Clark says he doesn't, but was hoping the Daily Planet archives could help him find an old girlfriend he lost. Jimmy offers to help a "Loyal fan." Jimmy logs into his laptop, which looks like it's situated at Chloe's regular desk. He asks Clark for a name. It's "Lana Lang." Jimmy finds her, almost instantly. "Uh oh," Jimmy says. Tragedy! Yay! Jimmy tells Clark to brace himself. Clark, worried, asks if she's all right. After high school, Lana went to France to study at the Sorbonne and hooked up with a French philanthropist named Pierre Rousseau (a bit similar to Pete Ross, huh?). They got married and had two kids. They live in Paris. Jimmy says he's sorry to Clark. "Best news I ever heard," Clark says. He's really smiling. "I just want her to be happy," Clark says. He thanks Jimmy.
Just then, Lois is walking by and runs right into Clark's chest as he turns. She somehow lands in his arms, dipped. "Whoa!" she says. Clark frowns. "Clumsy but... cute," she says, smiling. Clark looks really perturbed. He puts her back on her feet as Jimmy rises from his seat, alarmed. Jimmy asks if Lois is ready for an ace photographer to shoot tomorrow's "Column One." Sure, is there one around? Lois tells him to put his camera back in his pants (why?!) and to make a delivery for her, ASAP. She hands Jimmy an envelope. Lois offers her hand and introduces herself to Clark. He shakes it and tells her his name. She asks if Clark always bowls women over the first time he meets them. No, but he does seem to have that effect on desperate billionaires. Clark frowns again. This chick is totally confounding him. Jimmy tells Lois not to be so hard on him: he says Clark's old girlfriend is doing the Last Tango in Paris with some French philanthropist. She's having anal sex with butter? Because, seriously, that's what people think you mean when you throw that movie reference around. Lois says Clark doesn't have to act brave. "I know all about unrequited love," she assures him. She says she's had more heroes exit stage left than a Greek tragedy. Clark and Jimmy exchange a look. Lois says that talking about it helps. Talking about it endlessly and nonsensically, on the other hand, just annoys. She says she'll be at O'Malley's after work and offers to buy Clark a cold one. Brewskis! Sweet!
Just then, several men in suits walk in asking for "Lois Lane." "That's what it says on my Pulitzer," she tells them. This must be a different Lois than the one we're come to know. Kara suddenly walks up from behind the men, wearing a dark business suit and white shirt, provocatively unbuttoned. Her blonde hair is pulled back and her eye makeup is egregious. She says that Lois is in possession of something belonging to the U.S. government. Well it's a good thing they're in a newsroom, where everyone will overhear this bit of breaking news. One of the guards grabs Lois and handcuffs her. They lead her away. Nobody bothers to take a photo, not even Jimmy. Boooo! Clark tries to intervene, but Kara tells him to back off. According to the Closed Captioning, there was a whole string of dialogue from Lois that was supposed to go here as she was dragged off, but luckily, it was all cut in editing. Nice one, show. Clark looks back to Jimmy, who is shaking his head. Clark sees Lois taken into an elevator. Jimmy says that if the head of DDS is here, it must be serious. He explains for Clark, who has surely heard the term before in his non-alternate-reality life: "Department of Domestic Security." Jimmy says that was Linda Danvers, the head of that department, who was appointed last month. "Who appointed her?" Clark asks. Jimmy pulls out a newspaper and shoves it at us. It was the president. That president is Lex Luthor. There's a photo on the front page of Lex, wearing a white suit and sporting a black glove on his right hand. The headline reads, "PRESIDENT LUTHOR UPS MILITARY BUDGET." I can't make out the date on the newspaper, but I've built it up in my brain that this is in the future, which would explain how young Lex could be president, since he's not 35 in the normal timeline. Clark is stunned by the newspaper. As am I. That's too heavy a headline font for such non-news.
Commercials. Stride Gum! Short-lasting. A modicum of flavor. Let the chewing begin.
Daily Planet. We pass a window with the paper's logo on it. That's the third close-up of the logo we've seen, not counting exterior shots. We get it. It's THE DAILY PLANET. Clark says he can't believe Lex is president. Jimmy says Lex played the fear card and got the most votes. Yes. Familiar. Jimmy says that ever since Lex rounded up the meteor freaks, he's been a national hero. Wouldn't anybody with a slight knowledge of the world around them already know all this? Why does Jimmy feel he has to explain this to a total stranger? "There was still a meteor shower?" Clark asks. Jimmy says it made headlines from coast to coast. He doesn't specify, though, whether it was the original meteor shower or the one that happened during graduation. "Luthor saved the day," Jimmy adds. Clark asks if Lois being taken away has anything to do with Lex. Jimmy chides Clark for being on a first-name basis with the president. Clark says he just wants to help his friend, Lois. Jimmy asks "Rambo" if he's not sipping the poison a little too quickly given that they just met. "Poison." Yes. That's exactly the right word for Lois. I would also add three Ts: "Trashy, toxic, terrible." Clark thinks there must be some way to help Lois. Jimmy says he's trying to keep himself out of an orange jumpsuit. Those don't look so good with bowties. Clark follows Jimmy into the archive room, asking where they took her. Jimmy is about to shred the envelope that Lois gave him, but Clark grabs it. "Hey!" Jimmy says, wimpily, "give it back!" He just stands there while Clark opens it and starts reading. "What does this mean?" Clark asks. I don't know. Did you try reading it? Would the stranger like a dictionary, or perhaps a thesaurus, or even an after-school tutor? Jimmy explains that Lois doesn't like courier services, so he's been acting as her messenger. Clark asks where Jimmy was taking the message. Jimmy makes a smart remark about why he should tell Clark. Clark, not havin' it, grabs Jimmy and presses him up against the archive shelves. Jimmy smiles at Clark. He likes the rough stuff. It's the Gayest Look of the Episode. Jimmy says it was going to the Ace of Clubs. He suggests Clark look for a suit at the end of the bar. "Your messenger days are over," Clark tells Jimmy. He leaves. Hey, thanks! What was your name again? Clark? Thanks for the rough stuff!
Metropolis. Clark walks in to a very swanky martini bar with a lit purple stripe running across it. There's an open atrium and house music is playing. I think you might pick up someone handsome here, Clark. Oh, and there she is. A woman at the bar in a pantsuit appears and it's... hey, Sheriff Cheshire! Back from the dead. She walks past Clark holding a drink. "Sheriff Adams?" Clark asks. In her laconic drawl, she says it's been a long time since anyone called her by that "Handle." She asks if she knows Clark. He tells her he's from Smallville. She says she shook the dust off her boots from that place a long time ago. With her hair down and her face made up, she is quite the formidable cougar. Rrowr. "What's your business here?" she asks. You, cougar. You are my business. Rrowr. Clark says he's making a delivery. He hands her the envelope from Lois. She asks why it's open. Clark wants to know what's happening with Lois. "You're out of your league here, slim," she tells Clark. She flashes a badge pinned to the inside of her lapel. "I am the government." Cool. Could you do something about these taxes? Because, seriously (chuckle), this is just ridiculous. Am I right, people? Taxes! Sheesh! Her eyes going into dagger mode (down, cougar!), Cheshire tells Clark to get his ass back to Smallville before she loses her ladylike charm and arrests his hide. The way she says it, "Hide" has about four syllables. Clark reveals that Lois was arrested. He says DDS picked her up that morning for having something that belonged to the government. Cheshire is surprised. Clark figures out that she must be Lois's informant. She gets up in Clark's face (rrowr!) and says that if anyone finds out, she will hunt him down like "A henhouse fox." Good? I guess Clark knows the farm lingo, then. Clark says he wants to help. "Tell me where she is!" he demands. Cheshire doesn't think anyone can help Lois now. Clark wants to try. Cheshire tells him to give it up. She turns, but Clark has reappeared on her other side. "I don't give up!" he says. Dude, you started this episode giving up your whole life! We'd have nothing to watch this week if you hadn't give up. You give up all the time! Damn! "Tell me where I can find Lois Lane," Clark says.
Some random warehouse. It must not be conspicuous at all that there's all these black government vehicles parked outside. Kara gets out of a car and walks toward an entrance, telling her aides to take Lois inside and tie her up. She doesn't want anyone talking to Lois before she does. , we see Lois being dragged out of a vehicle, telling an agent not to touch her. "What is this place?" she asks. Just then, a red streak flashes across the screen, tackling one of the agent. The whoosh appears again, knocking down the guy that was taking Lois into the building. He breaks a car windshield as he lands across it. Lois runs. The red and blue blur grabs her. The thing we see is Clark carrying Lois as they stop in a Metropolis alley. He asks if she's all right. "Yeah," she says, breathlessly, "talk about sweeping a girl off her feet." Clark finally smiles a little. Garg.
Commercials. Indiana Jones and the Dr. Pepper of Doom? Delicious, I guess.
The not-so-mean streets of Alternate Metropolis. Clark and Lois enter an incredibly spacious apartment. Lois says it's handy having a meteor freak on her side. "I'm not a meteor freak," Clark tells her. I'm meteor-special. "Right," Lois says, unconvinced. Clark tosses a useless doorknob, which he broke off, aside. Hey, clean that up! Lois says this place may be a mess, but Jimmy Olsen's loft is the last place Lex's "Stormtroopers" would come looking for them. How the Hell does Jimmy afford a place like this? It's huge! Clark asks why Lois is in such danger. As she sits at Jimmy's Dell computer, she tells Clark that she's in possession of a classified document that shows Lex is putting the country in danger. Lois shows Clark a news video site. Lex, as a press conference, is telling the United States that our enemy (unspecified) has deployed missiles within striking range of the country. Damn you, Canada! He's wearing the white suit and showing off his snazzy black leather glove. He says this threat won't be tolerated and that we have no choice but to answer with force. Insert pointed political remark about the current real-life state of the world here. Lois, still staring at the screen, tells Clark that the missile threat is as phony as her uncle's hairpiece. Yay? Lois says the missiles don't exist. Clark isn't surprised that Lex would lie, but he asks why Lex would create a national crisis over something that wasn't there. Lois, taking off her jacket, says that she overheard one of her recent captors saying they were going to take the "Eagle" to the "Mountaintop." Maybe they're really environmentalists. Did you check to see if there was a baby eagle in the car with you? Clark says it must be some kind of code. Brilliant. You get the gold star for deduction this week. Lois says it means they're moving Lex to the NORAD bunker. She says there's only one reason to do that; nuclear war. Yikes! Lois has deduced that this all means Lex wants to give the enemy a sucker-punch with a preemptive nuclear strike. Wow, what kind of country would do a thing like that? Lois says she needs to get this on the front page before Lex pushes the button. Clark whines about how in a nuclear war both sides would destroy each other. Yeah, yeah, we saw Wargames too, Clark. Lois says that's the part she doesn't get: Lex isn't suicidal. "Why would he want to hit Earth's 'Delete' key?" she asks. On the computer screen, we see the camera shift to another person. Standing to Lex is Brainiac, wearing a natty suit. "Because of him!" Clark says. Lois says that Milton Fine, the chief of staff, is powerful, but not "Nuclear bomb powerful." Clark mutters that somehow Brainiac managed to get here. He tells her that Milton SoFine is behind all of it. He thinks Brainiac doesn't care what happens to the planet because he's a machine. Lois is skeptical. She says he may be a little stiff on Larry King, but she's not sure about an android. Clark, not making sense to anyone but us, says that he thought things would be better if he didn't get involved, but it turns out things are worse than he ever imagined. Lois asks what any of this has to do with Clark. "You're an android, aren't you?!" she asks. It sure seems like it sometimes. Clark says he's the one person who can defeat SoFine. Lois squints at him. Clark asks if Lois trusts him. She doesn't answer. Instead, she tells Clark that Lex is holding a press conference in Smallville in 20 minutes. How does she propose they get to Smallville in 20 minutes? She tells Clark there's a briefcase with the nuclear launch codes. Clark plans to destroy that. Lois warns that they guard the nuclear football like the Hope Diamond. I would hope they guard it a little better than that. Clark is confident he'll get past security. Lois tells him that even if he gets through, he'll stick out like a red-blue thumb. Clark looks down at his clothes, as if noticing they suck for the first time. She says he'll need to blend in.
Lois opens up a closet. She says Jimmy's roommate is about Clark's size. Clark says they don't have time for this. "Then stop standing around," she says, "strip." I can't believe how much less annoying Lois is when she actually knows what she's talking about. Lois leaves the room after Clark gives her a look. She tells him that Armageddon's on the way and it's no time to be modest. She waits outside the room for like five seconds. An evil grin spreads on her face. She's about to peek in the door, but Clark opens it, already fully dressed. Hey, man, nice suit! Lois plays off her dirty near-action as Clark squints at her. "Well done," she tells him. She gives Clark her press badge. "Lois Lane?" he asks. Lois suggests Clark tell people it's a typo. He's Louis Lane. Lois looks Louis over. She says something's missing.
We cut to Luthor Mansion where Clark enters a hallway with several other reporters. He pushes up on his nose a pair of large, thick-framed glasses. Nerd alert! Clark sees some aides setting up for the press conference. He takes off his glasses in order to use his superhearing, for some reason. He overhears Lex and Kara walking. Lex is mad at her for letting Lois get away, despite Kara's abilities. Lex thinks that she's turning on him after all these years of being together. Kara says that Lex is like her brother. She says she'll always be loyal to him. Lex says that letting Lois get away is an odd way of showing it. Kara warns Lex that his real enemy is Milton SoFine. Lex slowly turns on her. "Really? My closest adviser? The man who got me elected?" Kara says Lex didn't get there alone. She reminds him that she used every ability she has to get him what he wanted. Lex says that all he wants is for mankind to reach its potential. He says they're so close, but Kara betrayed him when he needed her the most. "I've already seen one planet destroyed!" she says desperately, "I'm not gonna let it happen again." Kara pulls a piece of paper out of her suit. She says it's the document Lois found: SoFine approving the false missile information. Lex examines the sheet. "There are no missiles threatening us," she tells him. Lex thinks it's not betrayal he's getting from Kara now; it's just lack of faith. Lex pulls out a lighter and destroys the paper. Lex says that SoFine was following his orders. "You disappoint me, Kara," Lex says. He says that after all his family has done, she's not backing him. "It's only because I care about you!" she says. Lex says that since the day his father found her ship submerged in Reeves Dam, he treated her like his own daughter. Lex says Papa Luthor died protecting her secret. Kara starts to argue, but Lex barks, "What do you know about protecting this country? You are an alien! I am the President of the United State of America!" Kiss me! He says he's ensuring our survival by striking first. Lex says we will prevail. As he's talking, Kara lowers her eyes. "Look at me!" he yells. He says he expects her to stand by his side. With a bit of attitude, she says, "Of course, Mr. President." SoFine is in the room. He says the press has gathered and Lex has two minutes. Lex tells Kara one last thing before he goes: that great leaders are defined by the difficult decisions they make. As Lex is going, SoFine puts a hand on Lex's back and gives him a pep talk. He says history shall forever remember Lex's name. And that name will be remembered as, "Lex, that Fucking Scumbag We All Hate." SoFine gives Kara a dirty look.
Kara leaves the room in the opposite direction. She sees Clark standing in the hallway. She starts to tell him he can't be there until Clark calls her "Kara." She asks how he knew that name. Clark says he's her Kryptonian cousin. Hey, cuz! Got any work for me? I just got off the boat. Er, ship. Clark says he's Kal-El. Kara examines him closely as she walks around him. "I was sent here to kill you," she says. She punches at him, but instead hits a chunk of stony wall. She tries to hit him again, but Clark easily blocks her elbow. She says they searched the world for Clark and couldn't find him. Clark explains that he never existed in this world, but somehow he's here now. "Time was altered, something went wrong, I can't explain what happened!" The way Clark runs it all together is actually a little bit funny. Clark says they need to get the briefcase with the nuclear codes away from Lex. Kara thinks about it and decides she trusts Lex. Clark offers the dealbreaker: "Milton Fine is Brainiac," he says. Oh. Well, that's different. "He made it to Earth?" she asks. She accepts this instantly and blames herself for not seeing it sooner. Clark says that together they can stop Brainiac. Yeah, all right. Sounds like a lot of work, though.
Commercials. If Sprint really wants me to believe they're the future of wireless, they could stand to shoot their commercials in something other than boring black-and-white on some anonymous street.
All right, I'm officially confused. There's a huge POTUS seal on the floor of where Lex is standing. But it's not the Oval Office. He's in what looks like a slightly redecorated version of the Lair of Lex. I'm thinking he's still in Smallville. Did he somehow relocate the nation's capitol here? Lex walks to a globe on his desk and spins it with his gnarly, gloved hand. (For which we're offered no explanation; did whatever happened to his hand still happen without Clark?) Kara and Clark walk into the room. "Who's this?" Lex asks. And can I get his phone number? Is he double-jointed? "He's from Krypton," Kara says wearily. Oh, all right then, just have him -- do WHAAAAAA!? Kara asks Lex to just hear him out. Well... he is quite shiny. Speak, well-dressed plebian! Clark asks Lex to think about how he got to this point in his life and to realize that it was SoFine who led him here. Kara tells Lex that he knows it's true. Clark says that SoFine has been manipulating Lex to get access to the country's nuclear arsenal. He's got his own superpowers. Couldn't he have done that on his own? Kryptonians (and their robots) sure like to complicate the shit out of everything, don't they? Lex is not impressed. He circles back behind his desk and says that sometimes things go so wrong that you have to start over. Hey, let's do that for Season Eight! Clark asks if that's what SoFine wants. "Lex, his goal is to destroy mankind!" Clark says. "Not everyone," Lex answers. He says American's best and brightest will be safe. Lindsay Lohan. All of the members of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour. David Blaine. Melissa Rivers. All the members of Smash Mouth. Danny Bonnaduce. Any woman who has ever been a contestant on The Bachelor. Nasty Nell. Kim Kardashian. The best! The brightest! It's going to be fucking AWESOME! WHY CAN'T YOU SEE THAT!? Lex says they've already been shuttled to bunkers all over the country. The biggest bunker is near L.A. Clark says they'll have nothing to come back to. "When the dust settles, we'll rebuild," Lex says. Lex says he'll lead the survivors to the new world. It's pretty creepy seeing a guy in a white suit, white shirt and white tie deliver this prophesy.
Lex suddenly points a gun and fires. It looks like Kara might have been shot, but instead the camera moves to Clark, who looks down at his stomach. There's a bullet hole there. This isn't even Clark's suit! Jimmy's roommate is gonna be so pissed off. You truly do not care for mankind or roommates, do you, Lex? Clark jams his fingers into the wound, which can't feel great, and holds up his bloody fingers. You shot me! Asshole! We zoom to the barrel of the gun. Lex fires again and we see a slow-motion Kryptonite bullet get fired from the gun. It's even got little Kryptonite wings. The second bullet hits Clark in the left shoulder and that one takes him down. Kara tries to help Clark as he writhes and grunts. She asks Lex what he's done. Were you not watching? It was pretty hardcore. Kara stands. Lex is pointing the gun at her. Lex says that he always thought he might have to protect himself from Kara someday. He says he's sorry that day has finally come. He shoots Kara in the left shoulder. She falls on the presidential seal. Hey, try not to get any alien blood on that, all right sis? Clark calls for Kara. "You were supposed to be by my side forever," Lex tells her. He still hasn't put down the gun. SoFine and some aides walk into the room. SoFine is completely unsurprised by what's going on. Lex finally lays the gun down on the desk. SoFine tells the agents to take "Miss Danvers" to the chopper and to get her medical attention. He hands them a set of Kryptonite restraints. He tells them to keep her handcuffed at all times. Kara is carried away. SoFine asks Lex if he's all right as he rests the nuclear football briefcase on the desk. "Let's do this," Lex says. Ew. Right here in front of the Kryptonian? Really? OH! The briefcase! Right! That's exactly what I was thinking, too. Clark, sweaty, tells Lex not to do this. He says it's not too late. Brainiac/SoFine opens up to the briefcase. It sure is fancy, with all kinds of cool buttons, a cell phone and a screen built into it. "The future is yours, Mr. President," Brainiac says. Lex has his thumbprint read. A code is generated: "AFA6404." Clark asks him not to do this. Lex grabs the RAZR-like cell phone from inside the case. "On my mark," he says. He reads, "Alpha, foxtrot, alpha, six-four-zero-four." Lex confirms the code. "Stop! This is insane!" Clark yells. Lex says, "Initiate launch." Brainiac tells Lex that the team will assemble at NORAD. He says he'll deal with the intruder. As Lex exits through the double doors, Brainiac tells the president will be taken to Air Force One. Brainiac closes the door.
We see missiles taking off from behind Kansas fields. Back in the mansion, Brainiac tells Clark that he's not going to keep him from doing the task that he was programmed for. He picks up the gun. "Zod is still alive," Clark says. Brainiac says that he's still trapped in the Phantom Zone. Brainiac says that once the humans are gone, he'll use Kara to release Zod through her Fortress. Why is Brainiac wasting time telling Kal-El the plan? Clark thinks Kara will never go along with it. Brainiac observes that she didn't look like she had much fight left in her. He says she'll live; she's healthy. He says Lex Luthor will be the vessel. Brainiac says that together, they'll repopulate the planet and Krypton will rise again. He aims the gun at the camera. We shift views to see Clark lying at his feet.
Meanwhile... a nuclear holocaust. Terminator 3 footage. Blast, blast, blast.
We come back to see Brainiac deliver this line in Jarnelle's voice: "You cannot change the course of history, Kal-El." He fires the gun and everything goes white.
We see Clark in a chamber surrounded by flashing blue light. It creates a prism effect. Jarnelle's voice says, "You disappoint me, my son." You said you would be home by midnight, and it is clearly 1:15 AM! What does the word "Curfew" mean to you? He says Clark can't question his destiny on this planet. Clark asks if Jarnelle was trying to show him what would happen if he hadn't existed here. Jarnelle says that the disc in Clark's hand revealed the consequences of his misguided intentions. "I was forced to show you the error of your ways." It's always worst-case-scenario with you, isn't it, dad? Mr. Dramatic-El! He says he sent Clark to Earth for one purpose, and it can't be taken lightly. "Send me back!" Clark says. Jarnelle tells Clark he has to stop Brainiac from changing history and taking Clark's life. "You cannot fail. This time, there will be no second chances," he says. Hear that, Clark? Don't fuck up!
Clark suddenly appears in front of Chloe, back at the barn. She asks what just happened. She hugs him. She says she thought he was gone forever, but now he's perfectly fine. Clark grabs Chloe by the arms and tells her there's still time. "I have to make it right," he says. Make it sparkly. "I have to go to Krypton," he says. Take a jacket! Oh, you already have one. Good, then.
Floating out in space, we see a giant, glowing red sun and a golf ball-looking small blue planet emerge from behind.
On Krypton... the place is falling apart. We're in a chamber that looks like the Fortress, but with green lights and lots of fog. Brainiac is carrying Baby-El, who is crying. He places the baby gently on a glowing surface. He sure is taking his time altering the course of history. Does he need a reboot? "It's time to sleep," he says. The baby, wrapped in a yellow blanket, continues to cry. Brainiac raises a gnarly, black spike above his head. He says not every boy grows up to be a hero. The baby cries some more as Kara appears and tries to grab at the spike. Brainiac backhands her in the face and she flies about 20 feet. There's lots of flashing of lights and crashing. Kara's lip is bloodied. Slowly, Brainiac says, "Kal-El will die on Krypton! And now you will share his fate." Any moment now... just give me some time. This operating system status bar needs to move all the way to 100 percent before Brainiac can carry it out. "I won't let that happen," Clark says, suddenly showing up behind Kara. Clark steps forward. What does he say? Prepare yourselves: "You're gonna release Lana." WHAT!? DUDE! How about saving the baby version of yourself first? How about saving humanity? Lana is not important right now! Damn, idiot! Brainiac seems as stupefied as me. "Did he really just ask me to release Lana when I'm about to participate in the destruction of Krypton and the Earth?" She must have the greatest vagina in all the galaxies combined. Brainiac suddenly wishes he had found a way to hit that. Brainiac says that Kal-El can't stop him. "Clark! The baby!" Kara reminds him. She's kneeling on the ground. Wanna help out here, cousin? No? Brainiac chokes Clark and lifts him up by the neck. Brainiac says there's no yellow sun here to charge Clark. And no Radio Shack to buy a new recharger! He throws Clark across the floor. Clark rises from the fog. Brainiac turns his index finger into a point. "You're not in Kansas anymore," he tells Clark. Suddenly, the black spike appears again -- this time it's being jammed through Brainiac's chest from behind. He screams. There's an electric flash in the wound. He falls. Kara is standing behind him. Kara tells Clark to get the baby on the ship before it's too late. She tells Clark she'll handle Brainiac. She kicks Brainiac in the face. Shut down! Ctrl-Alt-Delete, dammit! Clark goes to the little crying baby. He picks up Baby Himself gently. He carries the baby slowly over to the ship. There is a long moment as Clark stares at his own baby face. It's about as poignant as this show gets. I gotta admit, I got a little choked up here. Shut up! Don't look at me! Clark regards the baby Kal-El, who looks at him calmly. Clark smiles slightly. It's very sweet. Kara somehow lifts a giant rock (I thought she had no superpowers here) and holds it over Brainiac. He laughs at her, his teeth all black and rotten. Kara grunts and drops the boulder on him. Clark, still hesitant, deposits the baby in the ship. The baby starts crying again. Clark pushes down the yellow blanket and stands back. The ship closes in around the child. Clark can't stop watching. Kara comes back and tells Clark they have to go. He asks where Brainiac went. "He's gone! He's destroyed!" she says. Clark looks at the ship as it takes off. There's a series of explosions. Walls are coming down. Clark doesn't want to leave. Kara urges him to come through the portal. We zoom out... waaaay out. A ship flies as the red sun explodes, taking out Krypton with it. I thought Krypton exploded on its own. We see the ship fly toward us and then past. Blue and red particles sail everywhere.
Commercials. The softest bra ever? I want one!
Kent Farm, daytime. Clark is in the kitchen. He's speaking on the phone to someone. Clark tells the person to call if anything changes. Kara is coming down the stairs, out-of-focus in the background. Clark tells her that a nurse told him Lana is worse than ever. How is that possible? She always seems worse. Kara says she knows she destroyed Brainiac. Clark says he thought Brainiac's hold over Lana would go away once he died. He doesn't know what else to do. Kara says she's sorry. She wonders if they could re-open the portal to Krypton. Clark says there's no going back. Kara says they could save Krypton if they go back. She says it's just a matter of finding the right point in time. Clark asks how they know they won't make things worse. Sorry, cuz. Clark says they can't change the past, they can only affect the future. Kara says that whatever that future might be, she'll always be there. She puts her hand on Clark's. Cousin! Clark and Kara stare at each other. "I'm here for you," she says. Clark has way more sexual chemistry with her than with Lois. Sadly.
The Barnness of Mopeitude. Clark puts the octagon in a safe place: his inside jacket pocket. As he reaches the top of the stairs, he finds Lex there. Lex is looking out the large window. He says the place hasn't changed a bit since he was last there. Lex is holding a football. He tosses it to Clark, underhanded. Which I guess is the way Lex swings these days. Clark asks what he's doing there. Lex says Clark was the last person to see Lana well. He says he figured he should talk to Clark if he has any chance of helping her. Clark tosses the football aside. "No one's asking for your help," he says. Lex says he's trying to save Lana and he has the best medical minds in the world at his disposal. Clark, weak, relents. He asks if there's anything the doctors can do to help her. Lex says he's been told her condition is unlike anything they've ever seen. How did Lex's doctors get access to Lana already? Lex turns his back on Clark, who is not the one out of focus. He says several of the doctors described the condition as "Almost alien." He says all the doctors have concluded that her state is irreversible. Lex says that's why he came to Clark. He says that if they knew what triggered the coma, they might have some hope. Clark gulps. "Think, Clark," Lex says, "she was living with you." He asks if Clark can remember anything that could explain how this happened. Clark, steely-faced, says, "I wish there was." Lex walks past Clark. He stops in front of the camera so that we see his face in profile with Clark in the background, shadowy and unfocused. He says if Clark has anything to add about what happened he knows where to find Lex. Lex keeps walking.
Flyover of the sign at The Daily Planet. Nighttime. Clark sits at a computer looking at medical research. Lois walks up and sees him. She says this is a new side of Clark: "Mild-mannered reporter for a great metropolitan newspaper." Is it really so great anymore with Lex in charge? Clark tells her not to worry: "I'm not after your job." He says he's borrowing the database. Jimmy logged him in on Lois's computer. She asks what he's working on. Clark is at a site called "ComaSource" looking at brain scans. Clark thinks there must be someone out there who can help Lana. Lois sits on the desk and says that after all her years of watching Dr. Phil, she should know the perfect thing to say. (Does she ever?) She says she doesn't do well with sad. Clark says it's all right. Lois says it's not. She says Clark was there when she needed a shoulder to cry on. She says she's blowing it. Lois says she wishes she could make everything all right. Clark is touched. He says she's a good friend. Lois punches him in the arm just as things start to get awkward. She asks why they don't go get a brew. "You look like you could use one," she says. Clark's eyebrows rise. She puts an arm around him as they walk out of the newsroom. "Check your driver's license," she says, "we're legal now." Clark says he's not really into the nightlife scene. Lois says she'll take that as a challenge. She offers to buy the first round. The camera pulls back on the empty newsroom. A Daily Planet logo spins on a computer screen.
Kent kitchen, nighttime. Kara, wearing a very tight white halter top, is going to the fridge to get some milk. She opens the lid and is about to drink from the jar (guess they didn't teach you manners on Krypton), when suddenly her head hurts. She gasps and drops the milk, which splashes everywhere. She writhes on the floor. The Strings of Terror play loudly as she gasps and breathes heavily, surrounded by spilt milk. Terror! We go to black.
week: Clark gets all spiritual? Also, in case you haven't heard, Michael Rosenbaum says he's not coming back for Season Eight. We'll be saying bye-bye soon.
Flyover of the sign at The Daily Planet. Nighttime. Clark sits at a computer looking at medical research. Lois walks up and sees him. She says this is a new side of Clark: "Mild-mannered reporter for a great metropolitan newspaper." Is it really so great anymore with Lex in charge? Clark tells her not to worry: "I'm not after your job." He says he's borrowing the database. Jimmy logged him in on Lois's computer. She asks what he's working on. Clark is at a site called "ComaSource" looking at brain scans. Clark thinks there must be someone out there who can help Lana. Lois sits on the desk and says that after all her years of watching Dr. Phil, she should know the perfect thing to say. (Does she ever?) She says she doesn't do well with sad. Clark says it's all right. Lois says it's not. She says Clark was there when she needed a shoulder to cry on. She says she's blowing it. Lois says she wishes she could make everything all right. Clark is touched. He says she's a good friend. Lois punches him in the arm just as things start to get awkward. She asks why they don't go get a brew. "You look like you could use one," she says. Clark's eyebrows rise. She puts an arm around him as they walk out of the newsroom. "Check your driver's license," she says, "we're legal now." Clark says he's not really into the nightlife scene. Lois says she'll take that as a challenge. She offers to buy the first round. The camera pulls back on the empty newsroom. A Daily Planet logo spins on a computer screen.
Kent kitchen, nighttime. Kara, wearing a very tight white halter top, is going to the fridge to get some milk. She opens the lid and is about to drink from the jar (guess they didn't teach you manners on Krypton), when suddenly her head hurts. She gasps and drops the milk, which splashes everywhere. She writhes on the floor. The Strings of Terror play loudly as she gasps and breathes heavily, surrounded by spilt milk. Terror! We go to black.
week: Clark gets all spiritual? Also, in case you haven't heard, Michael Rosenbaum says he's not coming back for Season Eight. We'll be saying bye-bye soon.
Flyover of the sign at The Daily Planet. Nighttime. Clark sits at a computer looking at medical research. Lois walks up and sees him. She says this is a new side of Clark: "Mild-mannered reporter for a great metropolitan newspaper." Is it really so great anymore with Lex in charge? Clark tells her not to worry: "I'm not after your job." He says he's borrowing the database. Jimmy logged him in on Lois's computer. She asks what he's working on. Clark is at a site called "ComaSource" looking at brain scans. Clark thinks there must be someone out there who can help Lana. Lois sits on the desk and says that after all her years of watching Dr. Phil, she should know the perfect thing to say. (Does she ever?) She says she doesn't do well with sad. Clark says it's all right. Lois says it's not. She says Clark was there when she needed a shoulder to cry on. She says she's blowing it. Lois says she wishes she could make everything all right. Clark is touched. He says she's a good friend. Lois punches him in the arm just as things start to get awkward. She asks why they don't go get a brew. "You look like you could use one," she says. Clark's eyebrows rise. She puts an arm around him as they walk out of the newsroom. "Check your driver's license," she says, "we're legal now." Clark says he's not really into the nightlife scene. Lois says she'll take that as a challenge. She offers to buy the first round. The camera pulls back on the empty newsroom. A Daily Planet logo spins on a computer screen.
Kent kitchen, nighttime. Kara, wearing a very tight white halter top, is going to the fridge to get some milk. She opens the lid and is about to drink from the jar (guess they didn't teach you manners on Krypton), when suddenly her head hurts. She gasps and drops the milk, which splashes everywhere. She writhes on the floor. The Strings of Terror play loudly as she gasps and breathes heavily, surrounded by spilt milk. Terror! We go to black.
week: Clark gets all spiritual? Also, in case you haven't heard, Michael Rosenbaum says he's not coming back for Season Eight. We'll be saying bye-bye soon.