After becoming increasingly frustrated with Chloe's absence and by her obvious lying about what she's up to, Jimmy is approached by a government agent who believes that Chloe may be a terrorist. Instead of risking getting sent to Guantanamo with Harold and Kumar, Jimmy agrees to spy on his girlfriend (WHAT?!) and the government trusts this goofball with high-tech secret agent gear (DOUBLE WHAT?!). Chloe tries to help Clark find Kara and Braniac and has a plan to track them with satellites. Unfortunately, the satellite link she needs is in a giant building. Chloe decides to go to a swank party in the same building to gain access. Why they would have a goofy party in such a secure building no one bothers to ask but Chloe asks Jimmy to be her date. The two dress up and dance a what-the-fuck? tango just so they can try to look cool as Jimmy hacks into Chloe's smartphone when she's not looking (which apparently is all the time). Jimmy also installed spyware (called, cleverly, "SPYWARE") on the computer Chloe is using at Isis. Oh yeah, Chloe took up residence at Isis since Lana has gone all broccoli and Chloe got fired. Jimmy crawls through some air ducts and takes out some helpless old dude with a high-tech briefcase (you are not Solid Snake, Jimmy) only to find out that Chloe was tricking him all along. The attractive government agent who was dealing with Jimmy finds Chloe and roughs her up quite a bit before Jimmy can come in and save them. It leads him and Chloe to get all schmoopy and do the nasty. Then Jimmy does the dumbest thing yet: he goes to Lex for help to get the government off Chloe's back. Couldn't he have tried to ask Lois first? Now Jimmy owes Lex a favor. An unsexy favor. Lex goes to Zurich, finally, and finds a weird map. Gee, I wonder where that will lead him. The same guy that took out Va-Gina last week tries to strangle Lex as he's examining the safety deposit box, but Lex knocks him out. In between all this stupidity, Chloe manages to get a satellite image of the space where Krypton used to be. It turns out there are two images: one that shows a weird portal and a planet and one that's empty space. Chloe and Clark figure out that between that and a weird Fortress voice mail that Kara left for Clark that was somehow left in 1989 something interesting: Kara and Braniac must have traveled back in a time portal to a time when Krypton still existed. Clark makes plans to potentially visit Krypton, circa 1989. I wonder if all the Kryptonians were still wearing parachute pants by then.
-- Omar G. is a journalist and comic living in New Braunfels, Texas. You can find him on Terribly Happy, Space Monkeys! and at Videogamey.com.
The deal has been, for lo these seven seasons, that they produce a show, I recap it, and then you come here to read. This week, because of the difficulty that human minds, coupled with human eyes, may have in processing the level of badness of this episode, I'm going to need you to do a little extra work. I need you to procure, either by printing out or cutting from magazines, the following three items:
- A photo of a kitten. The cuter and more helpless, the better. This will counteract the loss of innocence and soul-sucking this episode will present.
- A photo of a beautiful beach. This will represent calm and relaxation when the events of this episode make us want to scream with frustration.
- Photos of Al Gough and Miles Millar. These are just for dart throwing.
We open on the Metropolis skyline at night. Incredibly funky club music is playing. It's Duffy! No, not Patrick Duffy. Or Duff. Or Duff Beer. This Duffy. We cut to a fancy dress-up party. It's a celebration of white people! Yaaay! I say, let's just have a good time: we're always stuck in a goddamned barn or a fortress made of ice. Why not just let us hang out at a party with women in low-cut dresses and blandly attractive men in suits drinking until their livers cry or they get hazed? We cruise along with the beautiful people and swing by the bar, where many blu botols are stacked on lit platforms for a nice presentation. The camera glides through an air grate and suddenly we're following a path inside a CGI-animated air duct. Hey, no! I was having fun at the party! Now I have to take a cruise through the goddamned ventilation system? No fair! We sail and sail and sail through the remarkably clean and shiny vents. Hey, was that a rat? Finally, we see a masked man crawling toward us. Is that you, Sam Fisher? The sneaky man in the pipes easily lifts up a vent grate (which apparently nobody bothered to screw into place). We see a businessman walking down a hallway below and the spy-geared infiltrator drop down from the ceiling. The masked man makes absolutely no sound dropping to the floor, leading me to believe that this is a professional, not some idiot like, oh, say, Jimmy Olsen. The sneaky spy follows the businessman, rounds a corner and attacks the man with a stun gun in the neck. The man falls, dropping a briefcase. Super Spy Dude activates a glowing blue light on the edge of the briefcase. He moves the case close to the unconscious businessman's face. It's a retinal scanner. It scans as the spy opens the man's eye. The case opens. It's got a snazzy PDA inside. The spy places his own PDA to it and downloads some information, presumably via technology like BlueTube or WiFidelity or The Googlez. The spy takes his now-information-rich PDA and gets into an elevator, He unzips his ninja outfit. There's a tuxedo underneath. He adjusts his expensive-looking wristwatch. The elevator lights up and we see that it is Jimmy Olsen? WHAT!? No, don't use your beach photo yet! Save it! We're going to need it later, I swear. Jimmy adjusts his tuxedo bowtie as ridiculous James Bond music plays. We go to the opening credits before we all have a chance to change the channel. Or kill ourselves. Or both.
Commercials. No offense to the lovely ladies of Sex and the City: The Movie, but I really hope there aren't too many sequels because I don't know if I can get behind a 65-year-old Samantha rapping about blowjobs and salad tossing.
Against a black screen, we see a title card: "14 Hours Earlier." I'd be a lot more excited if it said, "28 Days Later" and zombies were eating Jimmy. Someone is in a kitchen using some very nice red utensils (like mine!) to make an unholy mess. An egg is cracked sloppily against the side of a red plastic bowl. A manual beater is used to stir some batter. Said batter is used to make a floppy, sad-looking pancake. That pancake is flipped and screams at us in midair. "I am an abomination!" it cries. Pray for the pancake. A metal tin of coffee beans is knocked over, spilling them everywhere. A brother of the earlier monster pancake is flipped and lands on the counter. "Put me back, put me back! It's COLD!" the pancake screams. The klutzy cook picks up the pancake by hand ("Ouch, ouch, ouch!") and throws it back in the pan. Then an orange is being squeezed on an old-school glass juicer. Fruits are cut up and placed gingerly on a plate. Toast is burned. We see now that it's Jimmy massacring breakfast. Jimmy, it seems, is not a nutritious part of this complete breakfast. Chloe walks into the kitchen and sees what appears to be the remnants of an indoor tornado. "OJ?" Jimmy asks. No, it's Chloe. He's holding a giant pitcher of juice that must have taken about 500 oranges to produce. "Look at this," Chloe says, not exactly thrilled. She tells Jimmy that she's late for something and actually has to bail. Now, that's pretty rude. She could sit down for two minutes and wolf down a piece of toast, at least. Jimmy, still not completely crushed yet, tells her she can't start her day without the "Wholesome Olsen." If that's a reference to your all-natural breakfast sausage link, we'll pass. Jimmy offers an egg-white omelet, whole-grain pancakes and something that looks like butter, but isn't. You know, Jimmy, you live upstairs from a coffee shop and café. You could have saved yourself a whole lot of trouble and mess. Jimmy tells her that she can't reheat this stuff: it's never as good the second time around. How about reheating something for seven seasons? How does that taste? Chloe gets Jimmy's subtext and says, "It isn't, is it?" Chloe apologizes for getting home so late the night before. Jimmy says he's not trying to start any "wildfires" here (just a giant pancake batter avalanche), but that he's trying really hard to put the spark back in their relationship. "And you don't think I've been trying," Chloe says sullenly, interrupting him. She's already packing her things to go. She says it's going to take some more time to bring the embers back to life. Jimmy says confidently that they could do a cartwheel through a fountain of gasoline and come out fine. Wait, what are we talking about again? Gas? Fire? OH MY GOD, JIMMY LEFT THE GAS ON IN THE STOVE! RUUUUUN! Chloe doesn't seem so confident about the relationship. Jimmy asks if she's not feeling this anymore. Hey, man, she turned down fresh orange juice and pancakes. What the fuck do you think? She's probably going to grab some muffins downstairs on her way out. Chloe doesn't answer right away and shakes her head no. She makes excuses: working to help at the Isis Foundation, dealing with meteor-infected people and moving into the office. She's moving in to the Isis office? That seems a little weird. Chloe stops her train of thought and offers to take Jimmy to lunch. She promises. They're both commuting from Smallville to Metropolis every day just to live in an apartment owned by Lex? That seems a little dumb. Where does Jimmy live, anyway? Jimmy agrees to lunch. Chloe takes off. "Bye," he says sadly, after she's gone. More breakfast for Jimmy! And some alone time with the all-natural sausage.
We cut to an odd view of Jimmy from somewhere outside the kitchen window. Someone is watching him through a red filter infused with a primitive electronic scope. He's being watched by a Predator? It's actually a woman using very tiny binoculars. She smiles slightly, satisfied. By what, I have no idea. Maybe she's got a phone in her pocket that vibrates. Or she just likes seeing guys get their breakfast ruined.
Isis Foundation, daytime. Chloe is in the not-so-secret computer room, messing with a map like the one she was using recently to track energy surges. Clark walks in. He asks what's with all the boxes. Chloe says that now that she's house-sitting Isis, Oliver thought it would make a good bunker to store his troops' equipment. It seems rude that nobody asked Clark about that. Chloe jokes that having a gang of superheroes as friends is great, but nobody considers the shipping costs. I'm sure Oliver has the scratch to pay off some UPS bills. Chloe asks if Clark was able to get the Veritas key away from Lex. "I spent all night with Lana," Clark says. So that's a no, then. Nice job. Time well spent. Chloe reminds Clark that whatever's in the Zurich box will give Lex the power to control Clark. Maybe Lex will want Clark to snuggle up with comatose Lana all night, too. He's kind of perverted that way. "The only thing important right now is Lana," Clark says. Way to tell everybody the show's secret motto, Clark. It's hardly a surprise. Chloe agrees with Clark, even though he's being an idiot, but says that if Lex finds out Clark is The Traveler, it's Game Over for everybody. Including Lana. "Hello, apocalypse!" she says. "I don't care about Lex!" Clark says. Everybody at the gay bar is going to be really disappointed. Clark asks why they haven't found Braniac yet. Chloe lets her stress show a bit, asking if he thinks breaking national security laws is her idea of a good time. We've been led to believe that she does enjoy all that hacking quite a bit. But then the Chloe we're presented with this week doesn't jibe too well with the one we've been shown all this time. Clark apologizes and says he knows Chloe cares for Lana as much as he does. Maybe not that much. Chloe says they're running out of ground to cover. "Maybe we need to look to the sky," Clark suggests. Yeah, I was just saying that last week. But you guys never listen! Clark asks if they should use a "NASA-caliber" satellite. He wonders if something like that could have picked up their trail. Chloe goes along with the idea and wonders if they might left some "ionic displacement" in the atmosphere. To The Sharper Image catalog! Chloe says that hacking into government satellite systems is light years out of her league. Not exactly. I think we've seen her do it before. Clark thinks she can do it. Ya think? Chloe says she's stepping up to the majors. Clark says he wouldn't ask Chloe if it wasn't their last hope. Chloe says that while she's contending with outer space using an Intel processor, Clark can do it the old-fashioned way. With an abacus? She reminds Clark that Dr. Swann intercepted all of Jarnelle's transmissions. She thinks there might be something in there about Braniac. She asks Clark to peek at Dr. Swann's journal and see.
The Talon. Jimmy is playing a Metal Gear Solid-style video game on some cheap-ass Sony PSP knockoff. How cheap is it? It doesn't even have a color screen. The game involves ducking behind cover and shooting bad guys down a hallway. Jimmy pauses his gameplay to grab a coffee carafe. I guess that breakfast upstairs sucked, huh? Someone puts a hand over his as he's grabbing. It's the woman who was watching him earlier. She's quite attractive in her government-issue suit coat and sexy button-up blouse. "Ladies first," Jimmy says. The woman, who entraps Jimmy like a Spyder, admires his hands. She says they're strong and agile. Did you just see him totally messing up cracking an egg earlier? Those hands are only good for pushing a button on a camera or giving Clark "Bro not foe" dap. She says those hands are perfect for hacking the NSA mainframe. I didn't know you needed special appendages for that. She flashes a badge and introduces herself as Special Agent Vanessa Webber of the Department of Domestic Security. Eh, I like "Spyder" better. She says she's been watching Jimmy. "Do what, exactly?" he asks. Breakfast sausage! She leads him to a nearby table. Oh, don't worry, Jimmy. It's fine if everyone in the coffee shop hears this top-secret conversation. All right, folks, you may want to get that beach photo ready. She tells Jimmy that a few months ago, he infiltrated a top-secret government firewall called "Starhawk." Did everyone in The Talon just hear that? I CAN REPEAT IT AGAIN! STARHAWK! TOP SECRET! FIREWALL! KEEP IT ON THE DL! THAT MEANS "DOWN-LOW!" She says it took some time, but they traced the break-in to Jimmy's computer. His work computer? I've never seen Jimmy use his own laptop. And even if he did, wouldn't he probably have been using it at Chloe's place? Jimmy says it wasn't him. He says it was...he stops short before giving a name. It was Harvey...Manfrengensensen! He tells her he's no James Bond (preach it!) and that when he dressed up as James Bond for Halloween one year, everyone thought he was the Maitre' D. Maybe because you were trying to make them a shitty breakfast. "Relax, 007, you're not our target," Spyder says. It's Chloe. She shows Jimmy a shot of Chloe taken outside. Chloe's talking to someone on her cell phone while getting into her car. She gives Jimmy a second, redundant, photo of Chloe. Spyder says they think Chloe is working with a terrorist sleeper cell. We're all in big trouble if they decide to set their alarm for an earlier time. Jimmy tells the woman that Chloe's not dangerous. "Never starts as dangerous," the woman says. She paints a scenario about working late, missing dates, mysterious phone calls. So all flaky people are terrorists? Good to know. She says Chloe's been tracking energy grids, DMV records and cell phone tower records. Jimmy asks why they don't just ask Chloe about it. Spyder says that if they approach Chloe, they'll never know her "Endgame." She says Jimmy has Chloe's trust. She threatens Jimmy with federal prison time if he doesn't cooperate. For what crime? Oh yeah, I forgot. We're the U.S. We can put people away for any damn reason we want now. She wants Jimmy to figure out what Chloe is up to and report back. She slides a briefcase to Jimmy and tells him he's going to need it. He opens it in full view of a public coffeehouse. It contains a crazy assortment of spy gear, including a spy camera, a spy PDA, a spy Bluetooth headset, spy watch and a spy knife to cut people's spy necks with! All right, take out those photos. Stare at your beach scene and be serene, because this makes no fucking sense whatsoever. "Chloe Sullivan is not who she says she is," Spyder says. We go to commercial before things can get any worse.
Isis. We see from the inside that Jimmy is hovering just outside the door. He kneels down and messes with the doorknob. He manages to open the lock with a simple thin piece of metal. "Sweet!" he says. It's not much of a lock, Jimmy, don't be too impressed with yourself. Jimmy uses some sort of blue laser to open the supposedly secure metal doors to Lana's secret computer lair. He sits down and starts typing. A giant box says, "SPYWARE INSTALLING." Thanks, Spyware! You would think there'd be security cameras in this place that could read such large text on the screen. Jimmy doesn't seem to find anything interesting. Then, all of a sudden, information boxes pop up with links to confidential government information, including stuff from the National Security Agency. "What are you up to, Chloe?" Jimmy asks. No good? Jimmy continues to type.
The Talon. Clark is sitting in Chloe's apartment, reading a book. It's called, "Directing For Non-Actors." He's just started. Chloe, who must hate all this driving back and forth to Metropolis, says she got Clark's text. She couldn't have called him on the way? Clark tells Chloe she needs to read something. It's Swann's journal. Chloe says she can't read Kryptonian. Well, she hasn't bothered to try to learn, has she? Clark says there's a page in the journal that wasn't there before. Helpfully, there's a notation on the page that says, " '89." Even Kryptonians recognize that 1989 was a bitchin' year. They liked Love and Rockets, too! Chloe says that this couldn't have just magically appeared. Clark says that those were the only transmissions from Jarnelle from before Clark got to Earth. Clark says there's no way he missed a page. Chloe notes that Clark's greatest ability is being able to give her a look that wins her over even though he sounds completely ridiculous. Clark isn't amused by that. But he's happy to have convinced her. Chloe asks if Clark can translate the page. Clark says that even Swann notes the transmissions are distorted and incomplete. Are you sure he's not talking about the script for this episode? Clark suddenly notices something on the page. He looks very serous, all of a sudden. "This transmission says 'Save Lana at Fortress.' " Oh, give me a fucking break. Quick! The beach photo! Ah, beautiful waves. Sweet sand. Now, Clark, are you sure it doesn't say, "Your Mama was Gorgeous!" or "Give Lois a Wedgie?" Chloe says that's impossible. If it was sent in 1989, Lana would have only been 3. Chloe asks why he'd send something about her. Because the universe revolves around her, including Kypton, silly woman. Clark says it's time he went to Jarnelle and found out. Chloe tells him this could be a trick. She says Clark's dad turned him into a Popsicle recently and isn't his best ally right now. "The time I hold Lana's hand, I want to tell her I did everything I could to save her." Beach photo! Stare into it! Put the kitty picture to it for good measure. Pretend the kitty is walking alongside the surf. Clark says he's willing to go up against Jarnelle to save Lana. Good luck with that, dope.
Kent Farm. Clark is in the barn, taking the Octagonal Space Artifact of Cheap and Hassle-Free Travel out of its book cut-out. Clark holds it up. Jimmy suddenly shows up and Clark sneakily puts the octagon in his pocket before Jimmy can notice. "Hey, C.K.!" Jimmy calls. Clark says he was on his way out. Jimmy says that he had to ask for directions twice and spent a half a tank of gas to get out here, but it's all right. Fine, Jimmy, what the Hell do you want? Jimmy thinks Clark can help with a problem. Jimmy, vague, says he has a friend who's keeping a really, really big secret. Humongous. Clark asks how Jimmy found out about the secret. Jimmy says it's hard to be around someone with crazy skills and not think something's up. Clark is worried. Jimmy says he did a little digging. He says what he found is freaking him out. Clark says he doesn't know where Jimmy's getting his information, but he can explain. Jimmy says the person he thought he knew isn't whom she says. "She?" Clark asks. Jimmy asks why you'd lie to someone you care about. "To protect them," Clark answers. Oh, go fuck yourself with that bullshit. Clark asks if it's more important to know what's truly in someone's heart to know if you can trust them. Jimmy nods and sees some reason. But that doesn't stop the stupid bullshit that is the rest of the episode.
Commercials. I wish giant Cheezit cheese wedges really did fall from the sky. As long as, you know, they didn't crush people underneath their heavenly curds.
The Fortress of Iceitude! Clark comes in hollering for Jarnelle. Clark yells that Jarnelle mentioned Lana in his last transmission. Are you sure it wasn't a distress signal warning you to kick her the fuck off the show? "WHY!?" Clark demands, "tell me how to save her!" Jarnelle is in bed, hiding under the covers, thinking, "Thank God I'm screening my calls." There's a bright burst of light as the camera needlessly dips from overhead to show Clark's surprised face. "Kara," he says. We hear Kara's voice as if it's coming from the Poltergeist TV set. She says, "Please, help me." Run toward the light, Kara-Ann! Clark yells at Jarnelle, asking why he's doing this to Kara. Bitch, I ain't done shit. Your father's trying to nap. Go away. The transmission is garbled, but Clark tries to hear. Kara says, "Help me. Help me save you, Kal-El." Help Jerry Maguire help you, Clark! Kara says, still garbled, that Braniac wants to kill Clark. Ya think? Clark asks where they are. "I went back," she says, "I'm on Krypton." Oh. Snap! "Krypton," Clark repeats. That sounds far. Maybe she said, "Cleveland." That sounds more plausible.
Isis. Chloe sits at the command console, frustrated. "Nope. Nope," she says as she works. She keeps typing. She's trying to find a way into a building network when the screens suddenly change. There's a schematic for a skyscraper and then an invitation for a party that looks like it was pulled from MySpace. It's the grand opening for a nightspot called Ace of Clubs. Chloe makes a phone call. She leaves a message for Clark, whom she assumes is out of cell phone range, telling him that she may have found a satellite that has a read on Braniac. She says she can't hack in, but she may have found another way in. We flash on the invitation again. Party time! Before Chloe leaves the room, an alert pops up on the screen: "Warning: Files Not Secure." Something is duplicating files. Chloe asks who's playing Big Brother on her. She pulls up an IP trace that goes straight to "Jimmy Olsen." Jimmy used his own IP address to hack into Isis? IDIOT! Chloe asks why Jimmy is spying on her. To protect you? Sorta? It's not a very good reason, I assure you.
Jimmy pulls up in his ancient sedan to a gas station. He gets out to call Chloe and leave a message saying he thinks he's made a big mistake. He asks her to call him back. As he ends his call, Agent Spyder walks up. She warns Jimmy that if he tells Chloe what's going on, they'll both face treason charges. Jimmy says he did what she asked, but there's nothing suspicious going on at Isis. "Drop it," she tells him. Yeah, I'm not sure lying to a federal agent is the best course of action, bro. Spyder says that the IP trace revealed that Chloe has a plan and will be executing it tonight. Tonight, tonight? It's already dark. Are you sure? Jimmy is bewildered. "I need you to man-up right now," Spyder tells him. I'm glad somebody gave Jimmy this long-needed advice. Now somebody should tell it to Clark. She tells Jimmy that at any moment, Chloe should be inviting him to a bar called Ace of Clubs. She says it would be too conspicuous for Chloe to show up alone. A girl going to a fancy bar by herself? That would just be crazy! "Wear it," she tells Jimmy, as she hands him a black bowtie. She says it has a fiber optic camera so she can keep an eye on things. Jimmy asks if it's so that they can both watch his girlfriend drink cosmos until she finds her inner Shakira. I would...I'd like to see that, actually. Spyder tells Jimmy that the building is secure and that the club is just a way inside. "Watch her like a hawk," she warns. A spyhawk. Spyder tells Jimmy to find Chloe's target and to get to it before she does. Jimmy agrees. "Piece of cake," he says. That sounds like a really difficult cake.
Ace of Clubs. It's the fancy party place we saw in the opening. Jimmy and Chloe are overdressed and look like they're going to prom. Jimmy compliments Chloe's beauty. She calls him handsome. Jimmy is surprised Chloe was able to pencil him in. Chloe says she's surprised Jimmy was able to find a tux on such short notice. Awkward silence. This is so not Mr. & Mrs. Smith. Not even close. Chloe's text message chime goes off. She asks Jimmy to get her a drink. Nothing specific. Just a drink. Hey, time to put that Shakira/cosmos plan in place. Jimmy walks to the bar, but watches Chloe as she uses her phone. He watches her text. Jimmy returns with champagne. Chloe lays her phone on top of her open purse, which is lying on a table, totally unsecured. Chloe, Chloe, Chloe. I'm going to have to go to the beach for a minute. In full view, Jimmy slides his own cell phone out of his sleeve and lays it to Chloe's, where it immediately starts a "Data clone." The screen says in huge letters, "DATA CLONE." Chloe is suddenly struck blind and doesn't notice. From out of nowhere, loud music starts to play. Jimmy takes Chloe's drink and lays it on the table RIGHT TO WHERE HIS PHONE IS STEALING HER INFORMATION, yes Chloe still doesn't notice, or pretends to be a huge idiot. Jimmy asks for this dance. Chloe is about to say no, but Jimmy grabs her and pulls her into an absolutely stupid Tango. The song is cool, but the dance is just ridiculous. Jimmy dips Chloe and, smiling, she says that maybe he's not so wholesome after all. "I'm just getting started," he tells her. More dancing. Jimmy has his hand on the back of her head, and I have to tell you, it looks a little odd and even dirty. Chloe wraps her leg around Jimmy's. Jimmy swings her around. For trying to not be conspicuous, they're the only ones in the room make big, extravagant dance moves. Why not just do the YMCA dance? Foot sliding. I'm staring hard at my beach photo as should you. Hey, I think I see a windsurfer way in the distance. Jimmy glances over at the two giant cell phone/PDAs on the table. Then he throws Chloe around and they circle each other. Yeah, apparently they took advanced ballroom dance lessons when none of us were watching. More sexy dancing. Turning. Chloe does some flashy moves, shaking her bosom as she circles Jimmy. She tosses around her dress hem. The only reason I can remotely forgive this scene is because it looks like they're having fun, and that's something this show has been sorely lacking for a while. A final dip. Jimmy looks at the cell phones again. Oh man, there's a giant pack of Stride gum to the purse. Noooooo! Emergency kitty photo! Furry! Jimmy pulls Chloe up from the dip. Another awkward silence. They sit down at their table. Jimmy lies that he forgot to give the valet his keys. Uhhh...that's a pretty horrible lie. How would they have driven your car away? Jimmy reaches behind him and grabs his data clonin' cell phone/PDA. He tries to be all sneaky. Chloe tells him to take as much time as he wants. She glances at him sneakily as he goes. We see Chloe walk off into an elevator. The worst is over, I think.
Commercials. KFC: use it to create awkward domestic situations! They'll be even greasier!
Chloe is sneaking into a server room that is so secure that the door is left unlocked. Your tax dollars at work. The room is also devoid of technicians even though all the computers and machinery in the room seem to be running. Chloe walks over to the command module and starts typing. She manages to pull up an image of the rooftop of The Daily Planet.
We cut to Jimmy, who is crawling around in the air ducts. I want to go to the beach! Right now! Jimmy is examining his little PDA, which has a map of where he's going. A prompt points to an object and says, "Aluminum case > > File: Confidential Personnel." Jimmy, who has a ski mask on his head, but hasn't used it to cover his face yet, follows the trail. NOW he puts the mask down. Way to go. You're totally a ninja now.
Chloe in the command center. She's looking at star maps.
We cut to the shot from earlier in the episode where the business man is walking down the hall and Jimmy the Fucking Ninja falls down from the ceiling grate. He goes up behind the guy and stun guns him. It hurts just as much the second time.
Chloe keeps typing. She squints at the big screen.
Jimmy the Ninja. He is getting the briefcase opened again.
Chloe. A map on screen zooms out from Kansas and goes into space. "Found it!" she says.
Jimmy gets out of an elevator, back in his tuxwear. He's back at the party. A woman at the bar smiles at him. Why not just date a hostess, dude? I mean, seriously. Jimmy walks among the pretty people. He doesn't see Chloe. Outside on the balcony, however, Spyder has let her hair down. She's wearing an incredibly flashy red dress with giant fake jewels adorning her Spyder Cleavage. She's holding a martini glass and looks annoyed to be tarted up like this. "Up with a twist?" she asks Jimmy. Yes, let's do that please, ma'am. Jimmy tells her she's drinking alone tonight. He hands over the PDA. Spyder glances at the screen. It contains lots of file folders. "And what the Hell is this?" she asks. This the Hell is some files, lady. Stop being so mean. She tells Jimmy that he retrieved a list of employee health benefits. There's a disproportionate amount of claims for herpes cream in there. Just thought you should know. Jimmy says that's impossible. It's not, Jimmy. Lots of herpes at these kinds of parties. Spyder asks if it was on the 20th floor and involved a retinal scan briefcase. "She's better than I thought," Spyder says. But you're not because you were supposed to be watching Jimmy through his bowtie this whole time. This lady's an idiot. The woman says that the briefcase was the daily mainframe backup. She says Chloe lured Jimmy to the most useless files on the drive. Then why was the guy carrying it in a briefcase that was more secure than the Isis Foundation, the building's control center and Lex's home combined? "Really?" Jimmy says. It's the same expression the president has when you ask him about gas prices. He smiles a little. "You blew it," Spyder says, "I'm taking over. My way." Maybe you should put the martini down first. A government man grabs Jimmy by the arm. Spyder thinks prison time might do Jimmy and Chloe' relationship some good. Jimmy is dragged away. Spyder tries to look all badass as the camera zooms in on her.
Chloe is using the satellite to glance deep into the heavens. She finds what looks like an empty pocket of space (a black hole?) in the middle of a nebula. "My God," she says. She types faster. She sends a duplicate of the file TO HER PERSONAL EMAIL ADDRESS! What!? Kitten photo! Alert! Kitten photo! She sends the file to "chloe_sullivan@digitalsave.com." I'm sure there'll be no record of that. Geez. Why not just post it to your Livejournal, too? The file is sent just as Spyder and her goons enter the room, guns drawn. Spyder tells Chloe she's under arrest.
Jimmy is walking down the hallway with a government agent. Jimmy tells the man that Chloe will never talk. The agent assures Jimmy that Agent Spyder always leaves a few teeth. Jimmy suddenly stomps on the man's foot. He screams in pain as if that really hurt enough to make him forget his job. Jimmy raises a hand and shoots one of his cufflinks at the man's neck. The man clutches his neck and falls. We are not here. This is not happening. We are on a sunny beach, catching some rays. Smell the surf. Jimmy walks off, triumphant. I do not smell bullshit. I smell the ocean.
Chloe, still in the control room. She's been tied to a chair. Spyder, not very threatening in her cocktail dress, asks Chloe whom she's working for. Chloe says she's not a terrorist. She's one of the good guys. Spyder gives her a dirty look. "Good guys put their country before themselves." Yeah, Clark. She asks for Chloe's network contact. Chloe doesn't answer. Spyder smacks Chloe in the face with the back of her hand. Chloe breathes heavily. She says she doesn't have one. That earns her another smack and a punch in the mouth. Chloe's lip is bleeding. We see Jimmy creeping into the room. He's crouching as he watches what's happening. Spyder asks about what Chloe was doing hacking into the power grid when there were unexplained surges. Jimmy creeps further into the room, looking for something that might help. Spyder thinks there's some secret plan. Spyder pulls Chloe's hair back. Chloe's lip and eyebrow are bleeding with very fake-looking blood. "Don't even think about passing out," Spyder warns her. "Gimme the Taser!" she tells one of her thugs. That looks more like a stun gun, but I'm sure that doesn't matter to Chloe right now. The woman tells Chloe she needs to make a choice right now. Jimmy pulls out his dinky portable video game system. Spyder asks Chloe to decide between her secret and her life. She holds the electric stun gun near Chloe's face. Jimmy connects some loose wire to his game console and now all the screens light up with his video game. This secure, top-secret government installation has an A/V Input cable just lying around? I guess they gotta watch their video podcasts off their iPods somehow. Spyder is distracted by the noisy game. She tells her guard to turn it off. The guy goes searching for the remote control Input button. (Are you looking at your beach and kitty photos? I am.) Jimmy hops up and sprays the guy in the face with a ring that shoots pepper spray. Uh huh. Right. The man falls. Unfortunately for Jimmy, Spyder is right there, kicking Jimmy in the face. Several times. Spin kick! That's what you get for messing with the TV settings! You messed up our DVR recordings! Jimmy falls, bloodied. The woman tries to stomp on Jimmy with her heel. Jimmy spins and punches her in the face. That simple shot knocks her out completely. Oh, sweet beaches. Jimmy pulls off his necktie. He throws it on the unconscious woman. "Is that man enough for ya?" he asks. I think I'm going to vomit all over these photos. This is just...repulsive. And dumb. Chloe is fading. Jimmy goes to her and she perks up. "You're still here!" she says, smiling. Did he tell you the part where he's the reason you just got beat up? Jimmy smiles back at his bloodied girlfriend.
The Talon apartment. They drove all the way back to Smallville? Again? Jimmy wants to take Chloe to the hospital because he thinks she almost died. Chloe insists that she's fine. Jimmy demands an explanation of what just happened. Chloe asks him to look at his files. "Or should I say my files," she tells him. Aren't they the government's files? Chloe is mad that Jimmy stole from her. Jimmy says he was coerced by the feds. "Did you really think I was a government agent?" he asks. "Did you really think I was a terrorist spy?" she retorts. Eek. Touché. Jimmy says she didn't give him a choice. Jimmy says she had enough touchy information to start a nuclear war. Chloe scoffs, saying sarcastically that her plan was to nuke the whole thing and start over. If you're talking about doing that to the show, I'm totally in favor. Chloe, by the way, has no evidence of any bruising or blood, just a tiny, tiny scratch above her eyebrow. No puffy lip. No black eye. I guess she can heal herself. Chloe asks why Jimmy didn't just come to her like a normal boyfriend. He kind of tried, you know. Just sayin'. Jimmy says he's being lied to by the girl he thinks he's in love with. Chloe's expression softens. She admits she lied. She apologizes. Jimmy asks if this is the part where a sad song comes on and they break up again. I don't know, do you want to hook up your iPod to the Yaris and play a sad song for us? Wuss? Jimmy says he's not going to make it that easy this time. What, are you gonna play some Dave Matthews? That would make things more difficult, for sure. Chloe looks pained. Chloe says they're going to find her and lock her away regardless. She tells Jimmy to just fire away. She tells Jimmy to ask whatever he wants. He kisses her instead. Right on the bed. It's getting' horny up in here. He asks her if she wants that more than she wants Clark. Chloe answers by kissing back. They start making out. Jimmy interrupts to say that nobody's coming after them. "How?" Chloe asks. Jimmy says he's got his own secret about that. More kissing. They lay down on the bed as the incidental music ends on a flourish. Jimmy is giving her 007 right now.
Commercials. Have I mentioned how much I like Reaper?
Zurich, Switzerland. We get an establishing shot that shows a much lovelier skyline than the one we usually see for Metropolis. A safety deposit box has been brought out for Lex. "Mr. Luthor. Your box," a beefy man says. He has no Swiss accent. And he looks like the guy who took out Va-Gina the Baroness last week. Lex takes the box and enters a room. Dark red curtains are drawn behind him. If a dancing midget comes out and Angelo Badalamenti music starts to play, I might just lose my mind. The room has a very nice desk with two tiny lamps on it. From overhead, we see Lex sit down with the safety despot box. Lex slides open two panels in the front of the box and inserts his hard-won keys. The lock snaps open. Lex opens the metal box. It appears empty. Ha ha! Sucker! Lex feels around the box. He finds a false panel. It opens to reveal an envelope. It's a Starbuck's gift card. Enjoy your lattes. Try the muffins. Lex opens the folded envelope, which bears the big Veritas wax seal. Inside is a metal plate with five circular compass wheels on it. Hey, it's like those code wheels we used back in the day as copy protection on computer games. Lex moves the circles around until a grey "V" is formed. Seriously? People died for a decoder wheel you'd find in a box of Cheerios? In the metal plate, Lex notices movement behind him. Lex reacts quickly enough to stop someone from choking him with what appears to be a piano wire. The man who gave Lex the box is trying to strangle him. Lex grabs the deposit box and uses it to hit the guy in the head. He goes down. "You aren't one of them," the man says. Lex cracks him again with the box, right in the face. Ouchies! The man falls, his head bloodied. Lex takes the map and gets the Hell out of there.
Daily Planet. Lex is in his office, talking to someone on the phone. "The guy wanted me dead. Find out who he is and see if he's connected to what I'm dealing with in Quebec." He pronounces it "Ke-beck," not "Kwa-beck." Spoken like someone who's spent a little time in Canada. Lex couldn't have made this call from the plane coming back? Seems like a long time to wait to get some action going. Jimmy, who has a tiny scrape on his right cheek, enters the office with a light knock and no answer. Jimmy asks if Lex is busy. Lex says he was expecting him. Lex already knows the situation and assumes Chloe doesn't know what Jimmy is doing. Jimmy almost offends Lex by saying that Luthors build and burn political ladders for sport. Jeez. Shut up, Jimmy. Jimmy tells Lex that he has pull with "These people" and he thinks that a handshake or a string pulled could help. Lex tells him he can stop now. Thank you, Lex. He smiles slightly. Lex says he's cleared Chloe's name from that "Suspiciously high-ranking government arrest warrant." Lex says Agent Spyder has dropped her investigation. Jimmy is relieved and thanks Lex. But he knows there's no free lunch when it comes to Lex. He asks what Lex wants. Lex says there's no catch. Lex says that in light of recent events, he thinks of his employees as his family. He says families help each other. He says that if he ever needs something from Jimmy, he's sure Jimmy will do it. No catch, huh? Jimmy agrees. He looks a bit scared, though. He leaves the office with one last long look back at Lex. Jimmy wonders if things would be easier if he just ditched girls entirely. It's a fleeting thought, but it's the Gayest Look of the Episode. Lex opens a briefcase on his desk. He gazes at the Veritas map.
The Barnness of Epilogueitude. Nighttime. Chloe can't believe that Kara contacted Clark from Krypton. She clarifies that this is the planet that exploded. Clark knows it sounds crazy. Clark thinks Jarnelle must have done something to Kara. Chloe asks what Jarnelle has to do with any of this. "I dunno," Clark mutters. He paces as Chloe sits on the couch. Chloe looks at a photo she printed out of outer space. She asks if Clark has considered that Kara might really be on Krypton. Maybe it's just a different time zone...like the past. Ow, my brain hurts! I need a kitten photo! "You mean like time travel," Clark says. Yeah. Exactly. Thanks for bringing us up to speed, big guy. Chloe shows Clark some photos. She says she followed the two blurs that took off from The Daily Planet. She wonders if the vortex in the photo might be some sort of intergalactic time portal. Chloe shows Clark a picture of the vortex, a red star with a dot right to it that might be a planet. In a second photo, taken seconds later, the portal, red star and dot are gone. Clark says it's impossible. "You're saying Kara is actually on Krypton." Yes, Clark. She just said that. Keep up. "Well, Krypton circa 1989," Chloe says, "give or take a few light years." Wrap your head around that, farmboy. Clark says that would explain how the message from Kara got into Swann's journal. Kara sent it, hoping Clark would read it. Chloe says it sounds like a Hail Mary pass. Chloe says that if Kara sent the message to Swann and the Fortress, she's desperate to get Clark's attention. Especially with all those roaming charges. Clark says that when Kara told him Braniac was trying to kill him, she must have meant the version of Clark that was still on Krypton. BabyClark. D'oh! That sucks. Chloe says that if that's true, then Clark better get to Krypton soon. "Or I'll have never existed," Clark says. Uh, maybe. Better minds than mind could probably poke a billion holes through this new plot twist. Me, I'm looking at some palm trees. "Looks like it's finally time for Kal-El to go home," Chloe says. Clark looks really annoyed. Oh, calm down. At least you'll get some airline miles out of it.
And now it is time to throw darts at your Al and Miles photos. Happy shooting!
week: World without Clark. It's a lot less of a mopey place.
-- Omar G. is a journalist and comic living in New Braunfels, Texas. You can find him on Terribly Happy, Space Monkeys! and at Videogamey.com.