Farewell, Sweet Bastard

S07E16

In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close. It finally happens. Lex bitterly confronts Papa Luthor about this whole "Traveler" business and asks for the key to the box in Zurich. Papa tries to cleverly convince Lex that his son is The Traveler, but Lex isn't buying that. He shoots out a window in Papa Luthor's office, the better to throw Papa out of it. Lex pushes him and Papa Luthor falls to his death, magnificently. In the aftermath, Chloe and Clark investigate and Lex pretends to be grief stricken even as his inner child, Li'l Lex keeps making him try to feel guilty for the murder. Meanwhile, on a whole other show, Lois and Jimmy team up and make a startling discovery. As Jimmy was taking weird photos of Lois sneaking around in Lex's Daily Planet office, he managed to snap a photo showing Papa Luthor falling out of the window and, fuzzily, the identity of the person who pushed him out. Lex, with the help of his assistant, The Baroness from G.I. Joe, finds the locket key, which Papa Luthor hid in Chloe's desk. Lex confronts Chloe about the hiding, but it's just pretext to fire her. Which he does. The Baroness discovers a wayward text message to Chloe from Jimmy and Lois and chases them down to track down the photographic evidence. She locks them in a giant freezer (yes, The Daily Planet cafeteria has a giant freezer). Chloe, who had the photo evidence sent to her at the Isis Foundation by Jimmy, clears up the image and sees Lex in the photo. But she's knocked out by The Baroness, who steals the photo and takes off. Then, in a surprising twist, The Baroness, who was earlier putting the moves on Lex, is killed by some hired thug on the street. We're left to guess that Lex wanted her out of the picture because she knew too much and was making him uncomfortable with all the heterosexual touching. Clark discovers a posthumous message from Papa Luthor (written in Kryptonian) warning him to stop Lex from getting that safety deposit box in Zurich, which will reveal a way to control him. Clark confronts Lex about all this murdering business and Lex accuses Clark of causing Bo Duke's heart attack by making him so stressed. That really bothers Clark. He finds Lois and Jimmy and frees them from the freezer. Lex, tired of hearing Li'l Lex whine, holds him in the fireplace and burns away the last good piece of his soul. Lex holds a very private funeral for one at his father's grave with no minister, no press and no friends. But Clark shows up anyway and the two of them just glare at each other over the grave. Aw, it's just what the Magnificent Bastard would have wanted.

-- Omar G. is a journalist and comic living in New Braunfels, Texas. You can find him on Terribly Happy, Space Monkeys! and at Videogamey.com. Want more? The full recap starts right below!

Isis Foundation. Chloe walks to the main office just as Clark is opening the door. "Hey." "Hey." Chloe says Jimmy and Lois haven't shown up yet, but Jimmy already sent the file and she was about to get to work on the image. Clark tells Chloe about the tubular message from Papa Luthor. "I think he was trying to protect me," Clark says. Chloe remembers Papa saying something terrible was coming. Clark tells her there's something that will be able to control him. She asks if that means puppet-like control. "What could possibly pull your strings?" she asks. Puppet-colored Kryptonite? Clark tells her about the two keys just as Chloe was about to hop on Lana's command center computer. Chloe fills Clark in about the key that Papa left her at the newspaper. She says Lex took it. She says she was fired, but she's fine with it because she wanted to get out of that "black hole" anyway. Chloe wonders about the mystery man who wants the key. Clark is pretty convinced that Lex is behind everything, including the murder. He asks how long it'll take to get an ID on the blurry shape in the photo. Chloe says it's going to take several hours. Clark tells her to keep working on it as he whooshes out of Isis. Chloe gets to work on doing some pixel magic. The music amps up considerably, way too much for somebody sitting and sighing at a computer screen.

Stately Luthor Manor, nighttime. Clark is standing in front of the desk in the Lair of Lex. He opens a small box and finds a locket (sans chain) inside. He opens it. It's empty. Clark puts it back in the box and starts to walk out. Lex walks into the room angrily. "My father just died and you're already breaking and entering?" he asks. Either Clark walks in at normal speed and Lex's security sucks or Clark comes in at super-speed, which you would think would be picked up by Lex's cameras. This is such a lazy thing, to always have Clark just pop up in Lex's home without Lex figuring out that Clark is The Traveler. Whatever, show. After season I am totally breaking up with you. Clark says Papa Luthor would never take his own life. Lex says he thought Clark would at least offer some words of comfort. Yeah, Clark. Don't be such a dick. Even if you have to fake it. You could say, "Hey, man, I'm sorry you killed your dad so much," or, "hey, dude, at least you didn't get any blood on yourself." "Get out," Lex tells him. Clark says he's not going anywhere. Superman is a squatter? Li'l Lex ruins a potential Gayest Look of the Episode by interjecting: "You can still be good, Lex!" We see him standing to the fireplace. "Tell Clark what you did. He's still our friend." Lex rubs his eyes wearily and tells Clark he's not going to debate his father's mental state. "I'm grieving, Clark. I think you know what it's like to lose a father." Clark warns Lex not to bring Bo Duke into this. Lex says their fathers were a lot alike. Smart, strong-willed, and both died prematurely. Also? Both on Broadway. Clark gets in close and, surprise, it is The Gayest Look of the Episode! He's so determined. So passionate. He says Papa Luthor did die too soon and he wants to know how it happened. Lex gulps as he says that the two fathers also both thought Clark was the kind of son they could be proud of. Clark says that they would have felt the same way about Lex if he had only tried. Oh no Clark di'in't! If there's one thing Lex isn't it's lazy. And boy did he try. It didn't help much when he was being abused as a child, Clark. "What happened to you?" Clark asks. Lex says he did try. "When we first met, you inspired me," Lex says. He says all he wanted was to be Clark's friend, but Clark turned his back. And then the fun started. Clark looks down, a bit guiltily. "So you're the person you are today because of me," he says. Yes. Undoubtedly. Clark says he tried to be Lex's friend, but all he cared about was power and control. "This is Smallville!" Lex yells. Season Seven! "Meteor freaks, alien ships, cryptic symbols! These threats are real! Someone had to take control. Someone had to save the world!" Lex yells. Clark warns Lex that he's lost touch with reality. If you're going to take the moral high ground, Clark, at least try not to base it on a lie. Lex says they should talk about something undeniably true. He says after years of trying to get some compassion out of Papa Luthor, his father turned to Clark with open arms. "Now what would a worldly billionaire have in common with a simple farmboy?" Lex asks. An interest in agrarian macroeconomics? "Maybe he just knew he could trust me," Clark says. Yeah, not so much with the lying there, Clark. Lex, jealous, says that everyone can trust Clark Kent. He's the perfect son. Clark lies to everyone, so saying that someone lov

Al: Maybe this is for the best. Instead of disappointing people week after week, we could disappoint them on a much larger scale two or three times a year.
Miles: That's beautiful, Al.
The CW: Good luck to you both. We'll take good care of the show.
Al: Really?
The CW: No. We plan to run it into the ground like a possessed plow.

And...scene. We open on a nighttime shot of Luthorcorp plaza. But this is no lazy establishing shot. We see Papa Luthor getting dropped off from the LUTHORIV limousine in front of the building. He gazes up at the tower, sighs, and walks to the entrance. The Music of Extreme Foreboding plays. We cut to Papa Luthor's extremely dark office. He takes off his tie and sits down. It's been a rough day. Lex creepily emerges from behind a lamp, saying, "I'm sure there were moments when King Arthur regretted pulling the sword from the stone." G-g-g-ghost-Lex! Lex says Arthur never gave up his quest. "So why did you?" he asks his father. Papa looks out-of-breath and a little surprised. Lex asks if Papa Luthor and the "less-fortunate" members of Veritas found The Traveler they were looking for. Papa stands and tries to go on the offensive. He asks why he's not surprised that Lex fell for Patricia Swann's vivid imaginings. Lex says he didn't imagine the deaths of Virgil Swann or The Queens. Papa scoffs, saying that Lex gives him too much credit for controlling the fates of individuals. "You certainly controlled mine!" Lex says. He pauses long enough for a scary sound to play. Are you not terrified, loyal viewer? Lex blows our mind by saying that Papa Luthor wasn't in Smallville the day of the meteor shower by accident. He was there to meet The Traveler. In fact, I bet this alien was booked to stay at the Traveler's Inn. Genius! Lex says he remembers everything. Papa says these memories were caused by Lex's trauma from the meteor shower. "A trauma brought on by my own father!" Lex barks. He gets right up in Papa's face to tell him that his life changed forever that day. Lex tears up as he says, "You sacrificed me for The Traveler." We can see the moisture in his eyes reflect in the low light. Lex asks why. He gulps. "Who is it, Dad?" "WHO IS IT?" he asks again, loudly. Dude. Lex. Come on. You haven't figured that out? Papa tries a surprising and almost clever strategy. "What if told you now...that you are The Traveler?" Lex is taken aback. He walks away, considering. Papa, excited to make an impact, barrels on. He says that he told Lex that day that Lex was destined for a great future. He says that's why he's trained Lex so relentlessly. "Think, Lex, think. You have survived mortal injuries so many times. How else can you explain it?" Contrived writing? Lex says he's learned never to accept defeat. He says when he opens the safety deposit box in Zurich, he feels all his questions will be answered. Another dark, scary sound. Lex walks toward the window and pulls out a gun. Papa, worried, goes to him. He tells Lex that he knows the attraction of the dark power. It's so...dark! "But it will destroy you," he advises, "I can't let you go down that terrible path." Unwisely, Papa walks right up to the window and looks out on Metropolis. He tells Lex he musn't open that box. Lex says he can't because he needs a second key. He tells Papa to give it to him. Papa is shocked. Lex raises the gun and shoots out the window as Papa ducks. Lex says he's looked everywhere and there was only one person Papa would trust with the key. "Yourself," Lex says. He grabs Papa by the suit lapels. He rips open Papa's shirt and pulls the chain off his neck. It's holding a locket. Papa warns Lex that if he finds the box and opens it, there will be no redemption for him. Ever. He won't even be able to redeem coupons. Lex grabs him again. "I was raised in your shadow," Lex says, "now you're gonna die in mine." Papa looks at Lex, aghast. "No one will even remember your name," Lex tells his father. The music comes to a crescendo as Lex suddenly pushes Papa Luthor out. A choir sings. The camera follows Papa Luthor down in a close-up. His face is eerily calm. Eh, it's been seven seasons, whaddaya gonna do? We zoom in on Lex's eye as Papa Luthor falls and falls in its reflection, getting smaller and smaller. And then he's gone. Lex's eye blinks. Goodbye, sweet Magnificent Bastard. I think we'll miss you the most.

Opening credits. Commercials. Man, am I bummed now. Not even Mary J. Blige singing about the Chevy Malibu can cheer me up.

Chloe's laptop screen. We see a map of the U.S. with a bunch of dots marking who knows what. We pull back to reveal that we're at The Daily Planet and Chloe is trying to track down some information for Clark. Chloe is wearing the top half of a shiny blue prom dress for some reason. She apologizes for not being able to track Kara and Braniac anywhere on Earth. It doesn't occur to her or to Clark that they're not on Earth? Clark, doing his eagle-postured forward desk lean, says he can't leave Lana in pain at the asylum. You'd prefer she sit in pain somewhere else? Clark can't believe they can't find Braniac. That guy's so smart! It's almost like he's got an excess of brainage! No fair! Chloe says there's no "bogey or blip" anywhere on radar. It's like they flew off the map. Into...space, maybe? Clark, looking a bit ragged, asks Chloe to check the power grid again for any surges. Chloe does. They hear sirens. Chloe turns, but Clark asks her to stay focused. Chloe and Jimmy come into the room. Lois tells Chloe that someone jumped out of the Luthorcorp building and that the rumor is it was Papa Luthor. That's a pretty fast-spreading rumor. Chloe grabs her coat to go. Clark just keeps leaning. Chloe has to talk Clark into going with her. But...the power grid! Braniac! Lana! Dammit!

Outside the newspaper building, there's a crowd of gawkers, police cars and flashing lights. Clark jogs to the scene instead of just zipping to the front because that would be a special effect. Budget cuts? We got 'em! On the stairs leading up to the building, a pulpy, bloody object is covered with a yellow tarp. A man with a jacket labeled "CORONER" is talking to a detective. Lex and the Metropolis Cop Lady we've seen before, emerge from the building. "I -- I just talked to him," Lex says. This is true. They talked and then Lex pushed his ass out. The cop tries to confirm that Lex was working down the hall from his father. Lex staggers down the stairs as he says, raggedly, "I heard him yell. And then he was gone." And the Daytime Emmy goes to...Lex Luthor! (Cheers.) The cop asks Lex to give a positive identification. Here, identify this exploded sack of human remains. Lex nods. She pulls back the tarp. We get a close-up of Papa Luthor's open eye. Blood around it. Lex turns away. Photographers take tons of photos. What a scoop! Lex starts to walk slowly and a bright flash turns the whole scene into hazy slow motion, like bullet time in Max Payne. Lex, breathing heavily, staggers forward. "You killed him?" a boy's voice says. Lex turns. It's Li'l Lex, the inner child, standing at the top of the stairs. "You killed Dad?" he asks. Yep. Pretty much. And thanks for not helping, little man. Big help you were! Lex ignores this and starts walking along the barricade where many people are standing. I guess it would be a little tacky to start signing autographs. Clark, sticking out like a sore red thumb, walks parallel to Lex on the other side of the barricade and they stare each other down. It's pretty much not the Gayest Look of the Episode. In fact, it's pretty creepy. Lex watches Clark watching him. It's hard to tell if Clark saw Li'l Lex or not, despite Clark's frown. Lex finally wanders away as we hear a helicopter approach. Chloe comes up behind Clark. She says that she doesn't want to speak ill of the dead, but that Papa Luthor left a lot of damage in his wake. Also, when he was going to bed. "Remember he locked you in a Kryptonite box?" she asks. Yes, Chloe. I was fucking there. Getting nailed with Kryptonite. Where were you? Clark doesn't think Papa committed suicide. Chloe says he seemed pretty bent out of shape when he visited her at the paper. Clark says he was rattled when he last saw Clark, too. Clark says Papa wanted to give him a locket. Chloe, uncharacteristically, fails to see the clue right in front of her. She asks what a locket has to do with Papa Luthor falling 40 stories from an office window. Chloe's brain is not connecting dots this week. Clark turns dramatically. This is my good side. Film here. Watch as I gaze up searchingly to the sky. Ah yes. That's good Tales from the Clarkside right there.

Forget the establishing shot. We're right inside the Lair of Lex. Lex is sitting near the fire, chillin'. His evil assistant lady walks very, very slowly into the room behind him, through the double doors. She's wearing a tight leather jacket, her glasses and her hair down, and she is really trying to get cast as The Baroness in the G.I. Joe movie. You need to nail the accent if you really want it. She knocks softly, telling Lex how sorry she was to hear about his father. As she creeps in, Lex tells a story. "When I was a boy," he tells her, "we took a trip together to Washington, D.C." He says it was just the two of them and that they went to the Air and Space Museum. "He knew I loved things that could fly," Lex says, dreamily. HoYAY! How about things that are expected to fly in Season Eight? You've gotta love those. Lex remembers looking up at the Apollo 11 command module. He says his father held his hand and told him that the right man can make anything possible. In bed. Oh Lex, I think you took that lesson to heart a little too much. The Baroness puts her hand on Lex's shoulder and rubs. Hey, you're not a man! That we know of. Lex puts his hand over hers. She sighs, releasing some serious sexual t-t-t-tension. She sees something in Lex's hand. "You have his locket," she says. She starts to ask how Lex got it, but decides not to pursue that. She tells Lex that his father was a cruel, sadistic man. That's nice to say after Lex just told you a heartwarming story about him. "What are you suggesting?" he asks. She promises no one will ever know what happened. She takes Lex's locket hand and rubs it. "I promise," she says. I'm pretty sure she wants to put that thumb in her mouth. Instead, she gently takes the locket. She opens it. It's empty. "Where's the key?" she asks. Lex says Papa must have given it to someone. He says he asked "Gina" to keep an eye on him. Va-Gina? Baroness Gina says that Papa stopped at the basement of The Daily Planet. "Get the helicopter ready," Lex says. Dude, you just came from Metropolis. That's a lot of miles and gas ain't cheap these days. Va-Gina says, "Of course," and gazes at him adoringly. She leaves the room. Lex sighs heavily. Gaw, it's nice not to have to think about girls for a while. Lex stands. Li'l Lex shows up. "You killed dad for a necklace?" he asks. It was a really nice necklace! Lex gotta have his bling! Lex says, "You're not real." Li'l Lex keeps standing by the fire as Lex pours a drink. Li'l Lex says that Papa Luthor was mean sometimes, but he always loved them. "Get out of my head," Lex says. He screams it. "You shouldn't have done it!" Li'l Lex screams back. "I had no choice!" Lex answers, throwing his drink at the boy. Li'l Lex has disappeared, but the fireplace flares from all the liquor. Lex, wild-eyed, tries to compose himself. Dude, you had lots of choices. But the season draws to a close. I guess you chose to be a dickweed.

Commercials. The Victoria's Secret models keep getting younger and I keep getting older. That's supposed to be fair? Also, there's some sort of Kara animated adventure available on Sprint phones, but I'll be damned if I give a damn.

Papa Luthor's office. Sad soap opera music plays as the camera pans across the top of his desk, where an opera CD, some keys and his glasses lie. Two lines of police tape form an X over the open window and that's sure to prevent anything from falling out. A searchlight keeps moving across the open space. We see Clark standing in the office, looking at the murder scene. If he's X-raying the place, we don't see that. Clark breaks into Papa Luthor's vault. Among all the priceless treasures on multiple shelves, Clark finds something glowing. Beneath a vintage copy of Beyond Good and Evil by Freiedrich Nietzsche is a sort of metallic Kryptonian tube. On it are carved symbols. Clark reaches to grab the object, which is shiny. As soon as he touches the thing, the symbols light up. It holds 5,000 songs, and syncs with iTunes, Clark. Use it wisely. The hexagonal tube bears a message. Clark reads: "For Kal-El in the event of my death." Gee, I wonder who it's for. Clark twists the three parts of the tube until more symbols light up and a shaft of white light appears. This is pretty phallic right here, folks. Clark should totally wave it around and make lightsaber noises. The flashlight-looking thing also works as an HD projector. On the wall, shifting lines of Kryptonian text are shown. Papa Luthor's voice saves us from having to hear Clark read it out loud himself. Papa says, "In my lifetime, I've known many famous and powerful men: presidents, sultans, kings..." Lou Ferrigno. "And I believed that I was superior to them all. But I've come to know the truth, Kal-El. My greatest accomplishment is that I have dedicated myself to protecting your life and serving you. For that, I am grateful. Bu if you are reading this, it means that I cannot protect you any longer from a terrible truth." You are so totally gay, dude. Live with it. You're here, you're queer, get used to it. "Two lockets exist -- two." Now, come on. Do you really think he repeated the word, "Two" in Kryptonian? Anyway, he concludes with: "Each one has its own key. These keys used together unlock the secret of controlling you. You must find the keys, Kal-El, or your destiny will fall into the hands of another man. You must save yourself." The words float across Clark's face and eyes. What, no salutation at the end? "It's been real, homey." Or "Later, star-gator?" Clark thinks falling into the hands of another man sounds kind of nice.

Daily Planet. Jimmy is in his photo archive office and he's smiling about something. Lois walks in, talking a bunch of bullshit about how death follows the Luthors around like a stray puppy. Jimmy tries to say something, but Lois interrupts him to blather on about how she wanted to search LuthorCorp the night before (illegally, I might add) but Jimmy had the idea that they should stay and search Lex's office instead (also illegal, and fireable). Lois complains that while they were here, the story of a lifetime was happening across the street. Jimmy tries to talk again because he's got something. He asks Lois to take a look at the view from one of his shots of Lex's office. The photo shows Lois standing behind Lex's desk, searching. She thinks Jimmy is looking at her and tells him the schoolboy crush is cute, but that they have to focus. I just want to take this scene and claw my eyes out with it. Jimmy says they have a picture that proves something. He mentions that Lex's office looks out over Luthorcorp. Jimmy zooms in on the photo. Over Lois's shoulder, he captured the moment when Papa Luthor was falling out of the window. "No way!" Lois says. She says it's creepy. Jimmy says it's about to get creepier. He zooms in some more and he can make out another person in the office. He says Papa Luthor may have been pushed. Lois isn't impressed by a blurry blob of pixels. Jimmy says this has "Pulitzer" written all over it. Right to the words, "This will not win a..." Lois smiles, going along with Jimmy's ill-advised enthusiasm. Lois tells him to sharpen the shot. Jimmy says he can't because his computer's not that powerful. I'm sure there's a computer in the building that is that powerful. It's a publishing company, isn't it? Lois asks about the "Heavy duty hardware" that Lana has at the Isis Foundation. Jimmy says he can upload the image to Lana's server (she just allows open access like that; I mean, before she was a zombie?). He thinks Chloe's mad CPU skills can help, too. "That is, if we can pry her away from Clark," he says, dickishly. Yeah, it's all about that, isn't it? Not about solving a murder. Lois puts a hand on his shoulder and leans in close to say that Chloe shares the same DNA (but not much). "She's going to want to be in on this," Lois tells him. We see the zoomed-in photo. Papa Luthor has his arms out and is definitely falling. We can't see the person in the window too well, but there's definitely a shape there.

Elsewhere in the building, Chloe is walking to her desk. The basement is pretty empty. Chloe takes off her coat and sits at her desk. She rummages through her top drawer and finds a small piece of folded-up paper. There's a Kryptonian symbol on it, hand-written. It's the Superman crest with an "8" inside. A key has fallen out. It's the key from the locket. In a profile view of Chloe, we see Lex coming down the stairs in the background. He can probably see Chloe very clearly from where he's walking. Chloe notices and throws the key into that top drawer, closing it quickly. She goes to a paper shredder and throws the paper into it. She turns and Lex is right behind her, not pleased. Chloe says she's sorry about his father. Lex nods and thanks her. He says Papa visited Chloe that night. She says Papa really wasn't himself. Lex says that in Papa's deluded state of mind, he might have disposed of some family heirlooms. So hand over any precious jewels you may have or any opera CDs. He asks if Papa gave her anything. She says he only gave her a feeling that something was off. All right, hand over the feeling, then. Chloe walks away as she says that last bit, making it clear she's lying. Lex asks if she's checked her desk. Chloe looks glum. She swears he didn't give her anything and just wanted to talk. Lex opens the top drawer. Finds the key instantly. He holds it up. "This was my father's," he says. Chloe says she's never seen it before. Lex asks why Chloe was hiding it and why Papa would give it to Chloe. He holds it up to Chloe's face and asks if she knows what the key is for. To open something? Locked? "Lex," she says calmly, "Lionel wasn't in his right mind when he was here." She says she doesn't know why he left the key. "You're fired," Lex says simply. He walks out of the room as a henchman and Va-Gina the Baroness walk in. Lex tells them to escort Chloe from the building. Chloe grabs her coat, but asks if they're going to give her a second to clear up her private things. The suited henchman grabs her and starts taking Chloe out of the room. Lex says Chloe's personal belongings will be boxed up and sent to her home. Which Lex also owns. Chloe says she may be out of the building, but that's her personal stuff. "I have rights!" she says. Not so much in Lex's building you don't. "If anything is missing, Lex, I swear to GOD you won't hear the end of it!" she says, her voice rising. The Baroness offers to pack up Chloe's belongings. She tells Lex to go back to the mansion and get some sleep. Nice ordering your boss around. She puts a hand on Lex's shoulder as he starts to walk away. "We did it, Lex," she says. We? Lady, you got some balls. Lex half-smiles at her, but says nothing. He walks out. She sighs again. So...much...sexual...tension! She's about to explode from the waist down. She goes to Chloe's desk and hears something buzz. It's Chloe's cell phone. It's a text from Jimmy: "Lionel not suicide. Have pic. Come to archive room. - Jimmy." Nobody signs their texts, show.

In the archive room, Lois is impatient. She says she's leaving. Jimmy is waiting to hear from Chloe. "News waits for no one!" Lois lectures. She says Jimmy's texted and left three messages at Chloe's apartment. "She's not Helen Keller!" Lois says. WHAT!? Oh my God, what a fucking dumbshit. Lois says that Chloe will just meet them at Isis. Lois opens the door. The Baroness is standing right there, holding up a gun. Jimmy was just saying that it wouldn't kill them to wait. "I agree with Mr. Olsen," Va-Gina tells them.

Commercials. Wow, that's a lot of Gossip Girl commercials. There's this TV network called the CW. They're really, really desperate for a new hit.

Very heavy music plays as we see the top of the outside of the Daily Planet building. Jimmy, Lois and Va-Gina are in a large open kitchen area of The Planet. That's why newspapers are losing money: giant kitchens full of empty space. Inefficient! Jimmy asks why they're outside the kitchen. He wonders if they're going for a snack. Yes, Jimmy. The woman holding you at gunpoint wants to treat you to a Nutty Buddy. Just keep it down, all right? Lois recognizes the woman as someone who works for Lex. She lies and says this has nothing to do with "Mr. Luthor" and that she's here about the photograph that Jimmy took. Jimmy says he takes a lot of pictures. The Baroness wants the one of Papa Luthor in his office before he killed himself. She says she wants the photo destroyed because his death was tragic enough without sensationalizing it in the media. Lois says she could have said that before busting out a gun. Jimmy says he was right on the Delete button as soon as he saw the gun. "You're lying!" Va-Gina says. She says she got on the server and deleted it from Jimmy's hard drive. What about from Jimmy's camera memory card? Va-Gina says she saw that Jimmy also sent the photo to a cloaked IP address. I wonder how much a tiny cloak for an IP address costs, or what material it's made from. Cotton? Va-Gina wants to know where the photo was sent. It was sent to an encrypted name server: yo.momma.net. Lois gives Jimmy a very long sneaky look, the better to be detected. Then she tries to smack the gun out of Va-Gina's hand. That doesn't work out so well. The woman shoots Lois in the shoulder. Lois falls on a stack of what looks like frozen cat food sacks. "You shot me?" Lois asks. Va-Gina says Lois wasn't cooperating. "How about a warning?" Jimmy asks. God, these people are idiots. Can we please move this scene along? "Where's the server?" Va-Gina asks. At the restaurant, collecting tips? Jimmy says it's at the Isis Foundation, 3rd and Broadway, a 10-minute drive. Va-Gina the Baroness leads them to the freezer and locks them in. Wow, that's a big freezer. "I'll come back for you when I'm done," she tells them. Why not just leave them there? That's what Lex would do. Jimmy tells Lois that she's really bleeding. For reals. He has an arm around her and lies her down on some frozen items. He makes her a frozen vegetable pillow. "I guess trying to take on one of Lex Luthor's femmebots doesn't make me the smartest icicle in the freezer," Lois says. Just. Please. Shut. Your. Goddamned. Mouth. My brain is bleeding worse that Lois's shoulder, I bet. Jimmy lays his jacket on Lois. Please don't. The faster she freezes, the slower her lips will move. Jimmy promises to get them out of the freezer. He starts banging on the freezer door, asking if anyone is out there. Just us Ore-Ida fries. Jimmy bangs. And yells. Nobody hears him.

Commercials. Cloverfield on DVD already. I guess it wasn't such a giant monster hit, huh?

Isis Foundation. Chloe is tapping away at Lana's ridiculous computer. She's finally cracked the image. It's clear a bald man is standing at the window as Papa Luthor falls. "You really did it, Lex," Chloe says. Behind her, Va-Gina is creeping. She hits Chloe in the back of the head with a blunt object. Chloe falls to the floor. Why not just kill her? This lady is definitely not hardcore enough for Lex. She plugs a flash drive into Lana's computer and somehow automatically steals all the images on the screens, one by one. That's one smart flash drive. Baroness starts to walk out, feeling pretty proud of herself. But she hears Clark approach, calling out for Chloe. Did Clark completely forget he has superpowers this week? What's with all this normal-speed walking and calling out someone's name instead of just zipping into the scene? Clark comes in and finds Chloe on the floor. He asks what happened. Chloe is already waking up, rubbing her head. "Somebody hit me," she says. Chloe stands and says that the person destroyed the picture. Chloe didn't think to put a backup copy of it somewhere online where nobody could get to it? This isn't my Clark and certainly not my Chloe this week. Chloe says she saw the results and that it was Lex. Clark nods like, "Yeah. Da-hoy!" Clark says that he found the locket at Lex's place, but that without the photo they can't prove anything. Of course they can't. Chloe was working off the only copy existing in the world. What bullshit. Chloe asks about the key. Clark says he X-rayed the entire mansion and it wasn't anywhere he could see. Clark asks about Jimmy and Lois. Chloe says they haven't showed up and she's worried. Chloe figures that the person who attacked her must have intercepted Jimmy and Lois at the newspaper. Clark moves to go. Chloe warns Clark that if Lex gets both keys he'll have "Complete and total" power over Clark. Because those two things are different from each other. Clark nods. Chloe says that it's not just Clark's worst fear. It's everyone else's too. She warns him to be careful. From a nearby closet, Va-Gina is listening. Fascinating! Clark zips out. Chloe stands for a few seconds too long before springing into action. Why not try to retrieve a secret copy of the photo that you were hiding?

Freezer. Jimmy is holding on to Lois, cuddling. They're getting a little icy. Jimmy says he has an exclusive for her. In his pants? He says when they get out of the freezer, they're going to be world famous. I'd settle for them being slightly competent and less annoying. Lois looks like she's asleep.

Clark at The Daily Planet. He uses his superhearing (finally, a power!) to hear Jimmy's incessant blabbing. Oh, God, no, shut it off, shut it off! The camera spins around Clark, which is just a lot of visual information for simple extrasensory hearing. We cut to Clark easily opening the doors of the freezer. Jimmy has fallen unconscious suddenly. Clark sees him and Lois lying on the floor together. Clark uses his eyejaculation to blast them with heat. Also, their clothes are now wrinkle-free. Lois wakes up. Clark zips out before Jimmy can open his eyes. Jimmy looks around. It's a freezer miracle!

A city street, outside Isis. The Baroness calls Lex to leave a message. She tells him to call back. She says she knows who The Traveler is. She goes to her car, but somebody is there, outside, waiting. She gets grabbed from behind and an older-looking man sprays something from an inhaler into her mouth, twice. Her body twitches. Her glasses fall on the street. The man pushes her into the driver's seat. She's awake, but immobile. He sits her down, puts the seat belt on her. He turns on the car. Va-Gina twitches. Suddenly, she stops breathing. The man carefully puts the glasses on her face. We zoom in on her open eye as we go to commercial. Is she dead? I would think so, but who knows.

Commercials. More Gossip Girl? Desperate!

Stately Luthor Manor. It's almost dawn. Lex is sitting upstairs in the library, talking on the phone. He tells someone that after the funeral, he plans to take some time off. "Get the jet ready," he says. Is he leaving a message for Va-Gina? "Zurich," he tells the person. Lex closes his phone. He sighs. "You can't run away, Lex," Li'l Lex tells him. The boy is standing in front of him. He tells Lex that no matter where Lex runs, he'll always be there. "You can't get rid of me," the boy says, very seriously. Lex winces. The boy says Lex needs his help. He says he knows there's still good inside of Lex. Lex leans forward and says, "I don't want your help." Very quietly and very sadly, the boy says, "Don't go to Zurich." Lex says he's going. He has to. As Lex stands up to go, Li'l Lex tells him that Papa Luthor was right. He thinks what's in the box will destroy Lex. Lex turns and says it's all he has left. Li'l Lex, adorable in that suit, says it's not true. They stare at each other. "You still have me," Li'l Lex says, a tiny smile playing on his lips. Scary music. Lex says, "No." He says he's done listening to Li'l Lex. Lex quickly rushes forward, grabs the boy, and drags him down the stairs. Li'l Lex kicks and punches. Lex takes him close to the fireplace. "You make me weak," Lex tells him. He eyes are wide and wild. Li'l Lex finally shows some fear. Lex holds the boy, head-first, into the fire. There's a bright flash and something like a mist. The boy is gone. Lex looks startled. He doesn't check his hands for burns. Lex just stares into the fire. Goodbye, Li'l Lex. You were an adorable little piece of Lex's soul.

Kent Farm, morning. Clark, in the barn loft, looks at a photo of Bo Duke. He also looks down, glumly, at the Hexagonal Tubular Film Projector. Clark notices Chloe coming up the stairs. "Long night," she says. Yeah, it lasted a few episodes, huh? She says it's nice to see the sun again. Clark says it's too bad Papa Luthor's not there to see it. Chloe tells Clark that Lex closed to funeral to "Any and all" guests. She says nobody is invited except Lex. No priest? Clark says that Papa Luthor deserved better. Chloe says that at least they knew how Papa Luthor felt about Clark: that he thought of him as a second son. Still no good explanation of why someone who really felt that way would stick Clark in a Kryptonite box. Clark says that another person who treated him like a son died because of it. Clark says Jarnelle died getting him on the ship to Earth. Bo Duke died of a heart attack because of the powers he took on to protect Clark. Now Papa Luthor has died protecting his secret. Yeah, I guess there's a pattern. Neat. Chloe says that those men died not just for Clark but for all of us. She says each of them added something to the man that Clark is today. What did Papa Luthor add to Clark, exactly? Clark, choked up, wonders how someone could murder his own father. "Total absence of love," Chloe says, "some say that's the definition of evil." Chloe tells Clark that he has to get the keys away from Lex before he can kill anyone else. "He's not gonna have a chance," Clark says, "I won't let him." Finally. He stops being mopey for a second.

A cemetery with very green grass. Like the show, there are way too many redundant, simple plots out here. The cemetery is in view of the Metropolis skyline. We can see the Planet building with the Luthorcorp building right behind it. Lex stands at his father's grave. Clark, wearing a dark suit, walks up. No security out here, either? No press? What the fuck, Lex? Clark and Lex stand on opposite sides of the grave. Lex stares at Clark. Clark just stares at the grave. Lex eyes Clark. Clark finally looks up to meet his gaze. Blue Steel! Lex has a tiny, tiny smile on his mouth. He walks past Clark without a word. Overhead shot of Clark and the simple grave and coffin. Clark picks up a handful of dirt, raises it high and drops the dirt on the coffin. This dirt is for my homie. Because I forgot to bring a 40. Extreme close-up on Clark's face. He is sad, but stoic. Wide shot of the cemetery. A ray of sunlight hits the lawn. We go to black.

week: fun with keys in Zurich! Prepare to live a Papa Luthor-less existence.

-- Omar G. is a journalist and comic living in New Braunfels, Texas. You can find him on Terribly Happy, Space Monkeys! and at Videogamey.com.

week: fun with keys in Zurich! Prepare to live a Papa Luthor-less existence.

-- Omar G. is a journalist and comic living in New Braunfels, Texas. You can find him on Terribly Happy, Space Monkeys! and at Videogamey.com.