Episode Report Card Omar G: B- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Clone Wars
By Omar G | Season 7 | Episode 9 | Aired on 12.12.2007
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.Hey, it's Christmas in Smallville! Lois interrupts her boss-schtupping just long enough to work on an exposé about Lex, which Boy Editor is fine with her writing, because Lex is cool with it, too. Lois is interrupted by a mad bomber who has planted a bomb on Chloe and warns Lois by cell phone not to let her know what's happening. The bomber turns out to be a not-quite-finalized clone who was the result of Lex's experiments. He's falling apart and wants the truth about Lex to be exposed: his memories were implanted by scientists. Lois tries to warn Chloe about the bomb; Chloe gets trapped in an elevator with Jimmy and the C4 explosive. Lois, forced into writing her Lex Luthor story by the failed clone, is also made to go confront Lex about the cloning. It turns out that the bomber is actually an older version of Boy Editor, who is himself an older version of Lex's dead brother Julian. Boy Editor is the perfected version of Clone Bomber. They even have some of the same implanted memories. Quality control, Lex! Lex kills Clone Bomber because he's inconvenient (and a clone). Lois decides to expose Lex's operation, but Lex reveals that he just bought The Daily Planet. He's now the boss of Lois. But he's not so much the boss of Boy Editor: Boy Editor gets mad at Lex for controlling his life and demands a little free will. He uses that free will to break up with Lois, which is the smartest thing he's done yet. Chloe and Jimmy, stuck in the elevator, believe they're going to die, so Chloe reveals that she's a meteor freak. Jimmy doesn't mind that she's meteor-infected and they kiss. Clark, who ends up at The Daily Planet with Lana, hears the ticking bomb and saves Chloe and Jimmy. Nobody seems to notice the giant explosion in the Metropolis sky. Later, Chloe demonstrates her ability to heal people by mending a small cut on Jimmy's finger. He promises to keep Chloe's secret.
Meanwhile, early in the episode, Clark returns from the Fortress after going missing for two weeks. He tells Lana he wants to bring back her Isis research to bring down Lex. Lana, surprised, goes along with it and Clark convinces her that Lex needs to go to jail. Lana decides she totally feels closer to Clark. She shows him the scientist she's been hiding, the one who got attacked by the black liquid freed from the vial. It is indeed Braniac, who has returned. The woman, in a coma, is spouting Kryptonian language in her sleep. After he saves Chloe and Jimmy, we find out that Clark, who has been acting a little strangely the whole episode, is actually Bizarro Clark. The real Clark is encased in ice at the Fortress. Twisty! Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Welcome back, peeps! It's the most magical time of the year: the time when I only have to recap one episode of Smallville for a whole month! It's a Christmas miracle! Bust out the turkey gravy, goddammit. I'm ready to juice this mutha.
A playful instrumental rendition of "Deck The Halls" plays as Lois and Boy Editor are making out. He's actually decking her vagina with balls of...tinsel? Look, it's been a long break. I need to find my groove here. Boy Editor and Lois have obviously found theirs. The camera voyeuristically fondles their fully clothed bodies, hiding out and panning across this secret rendezvous. We see through a window behind them that it's snowing outside. Lois and Boy Editor finally stop kissing. Lois asks what she was saying. That this is wrong on many levels and that the worst part is that we don't even care anymore? Something like that? Boy Editor says that Lois did drag him in here to work. Work it! Lois tells Boy Editor that he needs to stop blabbing to the world that she's working on a Lex Luthor exposé. He didn't tell us. Boy Editor says that it's the biggest story of the year. Not that Lois has about a million conflicts of interest in writing such a story or anything. Also, why give the story to an untrained newbie instead of a veteran reporter? Maybe because Boy Editor isn't giving his holiday penis to that hypothetical reporter? I hope he found a decorative box to put it in first. Lois thought their dating life was going to be off the record. "We're hiding in a storage closet," says Boy Editor. "What more do you want from me?" It was nice of him to find a storage closet with windows. Lois -- wearing a fringed gold wrapping from a Christmas gift as a top -- wonders what I just wondered: what people will think of a newbie writing such a high-profile story. Boy Editor lies that it has nothing to do with their relationship. Lois wants to make sure that the only part of her body earning her stories is her reporter's nose. Heaven forbid that it should be her brain. Boy Editor says that he didn't assign the story: Lex wanted Lois to write it. Do...WHAT!? We cut from the scene before Boy Editor can explain this travesty. It is a travesty, I say! A Christmas besmirchment!
Daily Planet newsroom. Wow, that's a lot of Christmas trees and holiday decorations. I'll remember this when they talk about belt-tightening at The Daily Planet. Chloe is on her cell leaving a message for Clark. She calls it her "daily freakout." Chloe says it's been two weeks since she's heard from Clark; she knows that Clark and Lana smoothed things out before he left. Chloe's tired of telling people that Clark is in Minnesota with his cousin. How many people are asking? She says she's getting really angry or scared -- she can't decide which.
Lois walks in, freshly fluffed. She asks whether that was Clark on the phone. Apparently, he promised to fix their satellite dish before he left. Lois says that their TV still looks like Jack Frost puked all over it. Colorful use of...idiocy, there, Lois. I don't remember ever seeing a satellite dish on The Talon building. Chloe says that Clark is still in Minnesota spending the holidays with Kara. Where's MamaKent? I don't think Congress is supposed to be in session right now. Lois says that when Clark returns from the "Land of 10,000 frozen lakes," she'd really like her Daily Show back. Lois is going to be really disappointed when she gets her satellite back and hears about the writers' strike. Chloe wishes Lois a happy holiday and gives her a gift: birth control. Girl, your vag really need it. Actually, it's an envelope she had the print shop compile, containing all of Chloe's research on Lex. It looks like a pretty thin envelope to contain so many years of data. And what of this mysterious "print shop"? Is that a fancy way of saying "the laser printer"? Why would a print shop have all of Chloe's supposedly private research? Chloe calls the information "101 Ways to Make Lex Luthor Squirm." Number 41: Really cold dildo. Lois says that Chloe is her first legitimate source. Really? Good luck writing that huge article today. Chloe suggests that Lois thank her for convincing her cousin to break it off with Boy Editor. Chloe says that now nobody will say Lois didn't land this story fair and square. Actually, everyone is going to say she didn't land this story fair and square. Because she didn't. Lois's face shifts uncomfortably. She doesn't answer.