Welcome back, lovers of pain! Lana and Bizarro Clark are apparently getting along fabulously, because they're in bed naked together, and instead of being all evil, Bizarro Clark just wants to stare at Lana and take her to Paris and make pancakes. Lana is apparently the ultimate rehabilitation for evil space criminals. Bizarro takes time out from living under the whip to track down Milton SoFine/Braniac, who is living in the slums, barely surviving in his diminished physical state. It's squalid living, but robot's gotta eat, right? Wait. Robots don't eat! Professor SoFine tells deep-voiced Bizarro Clark about yet another Kryptonian living on Earth. This one is named Dax-Ur; he's a scientist who came to Earth a long time ago and thought about saving the world, but now hangs out in Arizona repairing cars. Bizarro finds out that he can track down Dax-Ur by using a Kryptonian crest Clark found last year. Bizarro blows his cover trying to get Chloe to help him find the crest. Chloe, suspicious, goes to Lana and tells her she thinks something's off about Clark. Lana's like, "He must be Clark because, like every other great man in the universe, he totally adores me! Step off, bitch!" Clark and Lana tell Chloe that they're leaving Smallville together, which sounds fantastic on paper. Not so much in execution when the show is called Smallville. Bizarro Clark makes an ill-conceived trip to the Fortress, pissing off Jarnelle, who frees Clark from the Interstellar Frozen Block of Putting Your Kid in Time-Out. Clark finds out what crazy shit's been going on and learns that blue Kryptonite is the key to defeating Bizarro. Clark finds Dax-Ur, who is living like a normal human with a nice family and wears a chunky, ass-ugly blue Kryptonite bracelet. You're a genius scientist and engineer, but you can't make a decent-looking piece of jewelry? Lana and Clark confront Bizarro. Lana uses the blue Kryptonite to defeat him, but not before saying that she was more in love with the evil version of Clark than she's ever been with anyone else. Oops. That makes things pretty damned awkward when Lana and Clark have to try to share the same bed later. Meanwhile, on what seems like a whole other show, Boy Editor Clone goes to Papa Luthor and the two of them decide to let cloning bygones be bygones and go play father-son catch or something. Lex really hates this idea and takes it as a betrayal. In addition to laying down some layoffs at the Daily Planet, Lex fires Boy Editor. Boy Editor tells Lex to piss off, and goes off for a great steak dinner with Papa Luthor. It'll be his last. A supposed mugger holds up the two men and shoots Boy Editor until he's good and dead. The mugger text-messages Lex, "Job done." Lex walks out into the rain and pretends he's in a dramatic music video. Oh, the angst. Braniac pays a little visit to Dax-Ur, the scientist who helped to create him. Braniac wants Dax-Ur to fix whatever's wrong with him. Instead of getting up on the car-lift, Braniac stabs Dax-Ur in the brain and steals his knowledge. This is how, sadly, a space droid has become the most interesting person on this show.
Welcome back, cheese lovers! I have no idea how many episodes are left this season due to the strike, but it's looking like five or six. I'm trying to pace myself. You know, like drinking plenty of Gatorade, doing finger stretches, investing in a (very expensive) recapping pace car. It's just tough when you can't see the finish line. Nevertheless, I am all hydrated and finger-stretched. (I practiced on your mom. Ha! Just kidding. Your mom and I stopped dating months ago.) Ready pace car? ("Ready!") Let's see how this season gets wrapped up, shall we?
Spooky music plays as we start with a daytime establishing shot of Kynt Farm. The camera creeps sideways along the fence, as if it's sneaking some secret shots of sexy corn to post online. We cut to a bedroom, where some nice curtains with a ring pattern have been put up. Across the room, some flowers sit on a nightstand. Well, we can tell that Clark's not the one doing the decorating around here anymore. Who knew it would take getting him frozen in a block of ice to get some decent Target-grade housewares up in this farmhouse? Lying in bed are Lana and Bizarro Clark. Bizarro Clark has given up this whole crazy "be a supervillain" scheme. He sits on his side, gazing at sleeping Lana adoringly, doing that thing you do when you just start dating someone and you ask her, in completely earnestness, "No, what do you want to do today? Because I'm totally cool with just lying in bed and giving you a foot rub all day." It's disgusting. Bizarro Clark is shirtless. Nice boobies, Bizarro.
Lana wakes up, the sun bathing her preternatural face. She tells him, "Hi!" Why did I just sense a disturbance in the force that could only be caused by Al and Miles high-five-ing each other? Bizarro says that he just wants to remember this moment. He doesn't add, "...before I kill everyone." Lana says, "This should help." She leans over to kiss him. We cut to an overhead shot of the lovers in bed, as if this were a mattress ad. Bizarro's sleep number, by the way, is 666. Bizarro saysthat they should go somewhere. Like, you mean, the bathroom, to go brush away your stank-ass breath? "Why? I'm happy right here," says Lana, smiling big-time. Bizarro says that they should leave town and see all the places Lana ever dreamed of. You mean all the places she was dreaming of when she was living in Paris or hiding out in Shanghai? Did nobody fill Bizarro Clark in that Lana was married to a jetsetting gazillionaire? Clark suggests that they go to Paris and have breakfast at the Eiffel Tower. "Yeah, right!" Lana says, as if she didn't already do that a few dozen times. Bizarro says that he'll fly Lana there himself. Lana reminds him that flying isn't one of his powers. Bizarro smiles: "You make me feel like I can fly." Get a hold of yourself, Bizarro! You're a bad guy! Fucking act like it! I can't believe that it is now Superman canon that Lana Lang's vagina can cure pure evil. Lana says that she'd better go: she has a meeting at the foundation. She promises to make s special dinner. "Our very own Paris," she says. You'll be enjoying French...fries! And French...dressing! Also, French...bread! Oh, it's so damned Parisian! Bizarro lies there as Lana goes, naked, to the window. She opens the curtains, giving the cows an eyeful. They say, "Moo?" Bizarro freaks a bit as the sun hits him and shows off the stony secret lines in his face. No, I'm a young actor, dammit, not a fossil! Lana says that she didn't remember what the sun looked like. Bizarro says that it's got nothing on her, and asks her to close the curtains and come back to bed. Lana figures that she could spare a few minutes. She goes back and joins him. "I love you, Clark Kynt," she says as the two of them start kissing. It's so wrong, it's right!
Opening credits. Commercials. The Macbook Air is so skinny it's making my Macbook feel a little self-conscious. There, there, Macbook. I love you for your brains, now your shiny exterior.
LuthorCorp. We don't get an exterior shot, but the metallic hallways are enough to tip us off. Boy Editor, nervous, is about to enter one of the main offices. He hesitates, and then walks in, holding some papers in his hand; it's Papa Luthor's office space. Papa, standing behind his desk and barely looking up from his own set of papers and laptop, thinks Boy Editor is there to complain about Lex's acquisition ofThe Daily Planet. Boy Editor says it's something a little more personal. He less-than-dramatically puts his folder on the desk and says that it's about paternity. Papa Luthor got him pregnant? Papa Luthor, bemused and a little annoyed, says that he's dealt with "nuisances" like this before, but not from an editor. Papa checks his watch and says that he's late to a meeting. He goes to put on his coat at Boy Editor says he's not above embellishing a story (he's not? Nice job, editor), but that he couldn't cook up something like this himself. He asks Papa Luthor what he'd say if he knew that Boy Editor only exists because Lex missed his baby brother. That stops Papa. Boy Editor hands him the paternity information, which didn't last very long on the desk. Papa flips through the papers. Boy Editor says that the DNA came from the cord blood of Papa's dead son. "Lex created a carbon copy," Boy Editor says. A carbon-based copy? "Call me Julian, Dad," he says. Boy Editor gives a tiresome speech about how he's risking his life just being here and that he's in control of his life now. Call Oprah, why don't you? Papa Luthor warms up to this brave, foolish youngster. "If you've got a problem with me, let's settle it now," says Julian 2: The Boring. Instead, Papa Luthor gets up close and says that, if they're truly flesh and blood, he'd like to get to know him, calling him "son." Aw.
The Isis Foundation. Let us revel at the ridiculousness of Lana Lang at a desk trying to look busy. She's looking through some Metropolis Police reports. Bizarro enters through the double doors and says, "Hey, beautiful." Lana tells him that another homeless man was murdered. She says that makes seven in the last two weeks. Maybe the killer was just going for a lucky number. Lana's energy-wasting computer room opens up. She says that the police think it's a serial killer (what would give them that idea?), but that she thinks it might be Clark's Kryptonian computer. Bizarro tells her it's called "Brainiac." Lana says that all the homeless victims were stripped of their trace metals, like the victim from Lex's lab. Bizarro, with no reason to share this information with Lana except that he's in luuuuurve, says that Brainiac must be regenerating using these metals. Why not just buy a bunch of screws at Home Depot, then? Lana has somehow figured out that the seemingly random deaths point to a central location in Suicide Slums. Bizarro says that he's impressed. Lana says, unnecessarily, that Chloe's not the only one who knows her way around a computer. Oh, just shut up and be pretty. Bizarro puts a hand on her face and asks what he'd do without her. First Zod falls in love with Lana, now Bizarro? Is Brainiac ? Hey, I have an awesome idea, Al and Miles. Let's introduce Doomsday, but instead of being evil, he falls in love with Lana! I'm a fucking genius! I just wrote Season 8! Please mail your payment for my writing services to NBC Universal, in care of this website.
Suicide Slums. Typical shots of bums gathered around flaming oil cans and drinking liquor from clear bottles. Bizarro Clark, who is unlucky enough to share Clark's red/blue fashion sense, looks around. We see a rat on the ground. Somebody picks it up. It's Professor SoFine -- looking NotSoFine these days. He's dressed in rags. NotSoFine turns his finger into a metal spike and points it at the rat, draining the rat's energy. You mean to tell me that homeboy can't just walk into a grocery story and steal all the steaks and PowerBars he needs? This is super lame, guys. He's one dumb-ass robot. On the other hand, it's nice to have James Marsters back, so I'm not going to complain too much. He drops the limp, dead rat. Hey, that rat could have gone on to be a world-class chef! Bizarro finds this sorry scene and, gleefully, notes that Brainiac has fallen far from his ivory tower. NotSoFine, looking pretty torn up about the face, knows that this isn't Kal-El. Bizarro says that he's the new and improved version. NotSoFine calls him a failed lab experiment dressed up in a Kryptonian body. So what are you, then, Brainiac? NotSoFine asks where the "Boy Scout" went. Bizarro says he's not sure, but that Clark's Martian friend captured him, and then he managed to escape. Bizarro Clark circles around as NotSoFine stands by a fire. He says he's decided to step into Clark's shoes, and that they fit perfectly. NotSoFine asks how Clark will react when he comes home and finds Bizarro in bed with his girlfriend. Whoa, whoa, whoa, NotSoFine. Have you been spying, or something? Bizarro thinks he's long gone. Bizarro, his voice all low and muddy, says that his skin still turns to stone when he's under the sun. He thinks someone will figure out that he's not Clark. Ya think? He wonders if NotSoFine can help. "Try a good sunscreen," NotSoFine advises. He also suggests a wide-brimmed hat. Hee.
Bizarro has had enough of this shit. He grabs NotSoFine and threatens to finish the "Killing Brainiac" job Clark started if he doesn't get some help. NotSoFine says that he's in no condition to help, but adds that there is someone who can. Bizarro lightens up and lets him go. NotSoFine says that there's a Kryptonian named "Dax-Ur" (Dax, Ur what?), who came to Earth years ago and decided to stay. They have good cupcakes here. NotSoFine says that Dax-Ur is one of the Krypton's greatest scientists and can fix him. He says that Bizarro can find him by teleporting using a small Kryptonian crest that Dax-Ur lost. Bizarro asks if NotSoFine is lying to him. Instead of saying he's not capable of lying, NotSoFine says that it would be like lying to a mollusk: no point. Then I guess I can stop telling my mollusk friend Rodney that the only reason people don't like him is that he won't come out of his shell. Sorry, Rodney. You're just kind of an asshole. Bizarro laughs. Unlike Clark, he actually understands humor like that. He says that if NotSoFine is leading him wrong, he'll come back and shove him in his test tube. Bizarro whooshes out while NotSoFine stands there looking creepy.
Commercials. I've gone totally New Braunfels native: an ad for Olive Garden now makes me hungry, not nauseated.
Daily Planet. A blonde who could almost be Chloe from behind is carrying a small box upstairs. Bizarro Clark comes downstairs and sees the real Chloe, clad in a puffy, shiny green top. He notices that there've been layoffs at the paper. Chloe blames it on their new commander-in-chief, Lex. She bitterly says that Lex is only keeping around those who can be easily controlled. Like Chloe and Lois? Bizarro says that he needs Chloe to help him find a Kryptonian scientist. Chloe seems a bit annoyed by the request and snarks about all the Kryptonians on Earth. She wonders if Earth was their top tourist destination. Chloe says that she has her hands full with work (good thing she doesn't have to go to school anymore, apparently) and that Kryptonians are pretty high-maintenance. Bizarro is hoping Chloe might help him to dig through the paper's archives to see when somebody might have found the tracking device. Chloe says that Lex just launched a torpedo through the hull of the paper and that she's barely hanging on in the lifeboat; she asks if this can wait. Bizarro says that this will only take a second. He says he needs to find the shield. "Shield? Don't you already have one of those?" Chloe asks. Bizarro is like, "I do? I mean...I do! Yes! Of course! Why, I think I left it in my other pants! The ones I am not wearing right now! The ones with the crest-shaped pocket! How could I forget? My pants, I mean!" Chloe has to remind him about the gawdawful beauty pageant the rest of us are trying hard to forget. Chloe stares hard at Bizarro. She tells him to take a breather, and says she'll call him back. Bizarro grabs Chloe's arm roughly and demands, "Where is it, Chloe?" Chloe is shocked. Bizarro tries to play it off: he says that he really needs to find it, and was hoping Chloe could jog his memory. Chloe reminds him that he doesn't forget anything; she says his mind is like a titanium trap. Oh! Right! The trap! It's uh...right here! In my head! Wrapped in titanium! I didn't forget! I just put the memory in those other pants that I was just not telling you the story about! Silly me! Bizarro ignores Chloe's remark and asks if she knows where he can find the shield or not. Chloe quietly says that she can't help him, and eyes Bizarro with suspicion.
Stately Luthor Manor, daytime. Papa Luthor enters the Lair of Lex. Lex is upstairs and calls to his father. "Boundaries, Lex!" Papa Luthor bellows, hilariously. He asks what was so important that Lex had to pull him out of an important meeting. Lex comes downstairs and says that, according to the company visitor logs (they smell of pine), Boy Editor came to visit Papa Luthor. Papa chuckles. Papa says that Boy Editor seems to be at the center of one of Lex's latest projects. Lex says that Papa always told him that newspapers are just lies delivered daily. Papa acknowledges that he may have underestimated the power of the media. Lex asks what Papa thought of Boy Editor. "Insightful. Courageous. Direct," says Papa. He tells Lex that the guy is Lex's complete opposite. Ouch! Lex says that he'll deal with Boy Editor himself in the future. "You say that as if he belongs to you," Papa says. He says taht Lex can't claim Boy Editor like a piece of property. Oh, bravo. "You know, don't you?" Lex asks. Ya think? Papa angrily asks whether Lex really thought he could resurrect his dead brother as part of some sick vanity project. Only Prince should still be allowed to work on Vanity projects. Lex tries to make it sound like Papa Luthor would have done it if he'd only had the guts. "What you've done is depraaaaaved," Papa says. You tell 'im! He says that Lex disgusts him. Papa tries to walk away, but Lex grabs him. He asks if Papa wouldn't want to look into Julian's eyes again and see the son he lost. Papa sadly says, "It's you I've lost." It's such a good line, he repeats it before he exits. Lex stands there looking crushed.
Kynt Farm. Wow, somebody turned those lights on a little too bright. Everything is oversaturated. In the Kynt kitchen, Lana arrives carrying a single paper grocery bag. The requisite baguette and asparagus are sticking out at the top. I'll ask once again. What kind of shitty farmers have to buy vegetables at the store? Chloe is there waiting for her. They let Chloe come into the house whenever she wants? That's a bit creepy. She says she's looking for Clark, and that he is acting beyond weird. She asks whether Lana has noticed anything unusual. Lana says that Clark has finally opened up and let her in. Ew. You mean like Ralphie Cifaretto? Chloe tells Lana the crest story, and says that the Clark she knows would never forget something like that. Lana, who has been unloading her meager groceries, says that maybe Chloe doesn't know Clark as well as she thinks she does. Oh no she di-in't! Lana, never looking Chloe in the eye, says that maybe Clark is taking time out to find his own happiness. In bed. With Lana. Gross. Chloe squints at Lana, who says that Clark's priorities are changing. Chloe thinks Clark's personality is in a whole other universe. Chloe says that she's been part of Clark's inner circle a long time, and that she knows when he's not himself. Lana, patronizing, says that maybe it's time for Chloe to let him go a little. Chloe says she's not hanging on, insisting, "There's something wrong."
Bizarro shows up, noting that Chloe looks tense and asks whether she heard about the move. He says that after he and Lana tie up a few loose ends, they're leaving Smallville. "Wow," says Chloe. Awkward! She decides to leave. Lana, looking a bit hurt, tells Bizarro what Chloe told her. Bizarro says that he didn't forget the shield; he just can't find it anywhere. He thinks Kara might have taken it. Lana wonders if maybe she took it to the Fortress. "Right. The Fortress," Bizarro plays off. You know what? The Fortress is where I left my pants! I just now remembered! My other pants!
The Fortress of Lost Pantsitude. Bizarro is flying there. Inside, he wanders around. He calls for Jarnelle. He says he's looking for something. "Leave here at once, phantom!" Jarnelle calls. Bizarro's not scared. He thinks Jarnelle is just a ghost from the past. He asks if Jarnelle is just gonna lecture him to death. Jarnelle starts making the Fortress shake and crumble, and says that Bizarro is not welcome here. Bizarro says that he'll find it sooner or later. He flies out. Yeah, that was a thorough search. We spin around and see the real Clark encased in the Ice Floe of Time-Out. Jarnelle says that Clark must defeat Bizarro. He cracks the ice and thaws Clark out. Worst. Parent. Ever.
Commercials. The movie Jumper. It feels like too much energy to try to figure out what it's about. Is it clothing-related? Maybe I'll catch it on cable.
Kynt Farm. Clark (the real one this time) whooshes into the kitchen, calling for Lana. Psst. Clark. She's fucking Matt Damon! Or Bizarro Clark. One of those two. Maybe both. Clark sees pots on the stove. Vegetables on the table. Just what in the fuck is going on here! What kind of perverted squash-and-carrots shit is going on!? Nooooo! Clark spins around. He sees a nice table setting on the dinner table. Lana finally appears, holding a wine glass. Clark is glad she's all right. Of course she's all right. She was fucking Bizarro Clark! Clark tells Lana that he's been gone for weeks. Lana tells Clark to "check the clock," reminding him that he just left to go get the shield. Clark says that wasn't him; it was a phantom. Uh. Oh. He says that the phantom looks just like him. But is much, much cooler. Clark says that Jarnelle trapped him in the Fortress, and then released him to fight the phantom. Nice job there, Jarnelle. Spot-on. Lana can't believe it. She says she was sure it was Clark. He shakes his head sadly. Lana says that Chloe thinks Clark's memory might be bad. She asks him to remember when they were in bed and he promised to fly her to Paris. Yeah. That sounds like the other guy. The one who can fly. He probably also has a nicer car and an apartment with a waterbed. HATE that guy! Lana says that they were going to leave Smallville together. "It wasn't me, Lana," says Clark. Lana finally starts to let it sink in. Like she did with Bizarro Clark. "Oh God," she says. That's also what she said with Bizarro Clark. Clark says he's sorry and that this is all his fault. This would be a lot more compelling if we hadn't already seen it played out in Face/Off. The camera spins around and goes bright and we see Bizarro Clark using his superhearing to eavesdrop. He hears Clark tell Lana that he has to get her out of there.
Suicide Slums. NotSoFine is walking around, just chill'ackin', yo. Bizarro Clark appears and steps up to him. "Change of plan," he says, his voice going even lower, as if slowed down on tape. NotSoFine asks if he's having trouble finding the scientist. Bizarro says that the Boy Scout has come back. "The prodigal son of Krypton has returned," says NotSoFine. Just shut up and calculate, all right? Bizarro says that he can kill Clark with some green Kryptonite. NotSoFine says that he'll do it. Bizarro thinks NotSoFine can barely kill a rat. So that's why you came looking for his help? NotSoFine says that, no matter his physical state, his brain remains formidable. He warns Bizarro not to underestimate him. Bizarro wants to get Lana away from Clark first. NotSoFine scoffs that Bizarro is falling prey to human weakness. Bizarro gets mad and says he's nothing like Clark. NotSoFine will divert Clark while Bizarro goes to get Lana. NotSoFine walks off. He's finally got something fun to do.
LuthorCorp. Papa Luthor stands in front of a mirror, examining his chin. Ah, that is a fine and regal chin. We hear a screechy bit of audio, indicating that something is not right. Clark walks in. He quickly explains that the phantom is back and has been staying with Lana. Papa asks if she's all right. Clark says she's shaken up (and stirred inside) and that he took her to Oliver's apartment, which has already proven to be a terrible hideout. Clark says that he has to get rid of this phantom for good. It's like a bad rash! He asks whether Papa Luthor knows how to do that. Papa says that the only way to get rid of the phantom is to expose him to blue Kryptonite. "I don't understand," says Clark. Big surprise. You see, it's like meteor rock, but it's blue. You know how meteor rocks are usually green? Well, this color is different. It's blue. Not green. So look for a rock that is blue-colored, not green-colored. Now, I know this is tough, but you're a big boy now and we're going to trust you to make big-boy color distinctions. Can you handle it, Clark? Clark says that since everything affects Bizarro in the opposite way, the blue Kryptonite should make Bizarro more powerful. Papa Luthor says that it will do that, but exponentially. You just blew Clark's mind. And not in the good way. Papa says it'll be like a light bulb being powered by a nuclear reactor. You so just lost Clark about five miles back. Clark asks how to find more blue Kryptonite. "Clark!" Papa Luthor says suddenly. Wake up! He says there's another Kryptonian on Earth, named Dax-Ur. Clark needs to find him. Clark asks why Papa didn't tell him about this dude before. Papa says that Dax-Ur disappeared after arriving a century earlier. Clark tells Papa about the shield he found. "You may have found his beacon," says Papa. Clark knows how to bring home the beacon. Papa says that the beacon (I love saying that word) should send Clark right to Dax-Ur. "I don't know how to work it," says Clark. Shocking! Papa says that it works on sound recognition. The shield has Dragon Naturally Speaking installed. Papa holds Clark's hand in a familiar way and tells him to put it in his palm and speak Dax-Ur's name. Or "Beetlejuice" three times. Papa says that the device will do the rest.
After Clark leaves, Papa Luthor goes to the elevator. He looks winded. He presses the button for the parking level. The camera swivels around to reveal that it's not Papa Luthor at all, but NotSoFine. Imposter!
Daily Planet. Clark shows up at Chloe's desk, asking if she's all right. She's not. She's wearing the same green top, in fact. It's been a long day. Clark tells her that it was the phantom. Chloe says that explains the bizarre behavior. She asks how she should know it's the real Clark. Clark says that he needs the Kryptonian shield, but can't find it. Chloe says that's what the other Clark was looking for. Clark asks her to look him in the eye. "Nice try," she says, backing away. She says that everything about Bizarro and Clark is supposed to be exactly the same, down to their "baby blues." Clark says that if he were the phantom, his face would change in the sunlight, like Zartan. He walks into some sunlight streaming in through the window. No face change. "It's me," he whispers. Chloe goes to hug him, sighing. She says that his domineering double had her worried, but that she can help him with the shield.
Cut to a supply room where Chloe unwraps the shield from a soft yellow hankie. She says she hid the thing from the farm when Clark started acting weird. "You saved me again, Chloe," says Clark. Chloe warns him to be careful. He warns Chloe to stay back. "Dax-Ur," says Clark to the shield.
Cut to NotSoFine in the slums. He wakes up with an awful headache. He smiles.
Cut back to Clark. He teleports in a flash. Chloe watches him go. "Good luck!" she says.
Clark reappears on the set of one of those Pepsi commercials where Cindy Crawford shows up at a run-down, rural filling station. Should there be tumbleweeds indoors? Clark sees a guy working on a truck, lying underneath it. Clark says that he's looking for someone. The older gent, who looks a bit William Hurt, stands up. "Dax-Ur?" Clark asks. The man's smile fades. He pretends not to know the name. Clark says that the guy is from Krypton, and so is he. He tosses the mechanic the shield. "I'm Kal-El," Clark says. "The House of El!" Dax-Ur says with wonder. I used to do handyman work over there! He says that the Els always were survivors. Their house was buggin'!
Commercials. Ryan Seacrest's Crest breath is so fresh I can smell through my TV. Now if only the words that came out of his mouth were as minty.
The rural garage. We pan across the back of a car to show an Arizona license plate. Dax-Ur, an older gent with a balding pate and gray hair, asks how Clark came from Krypton if the portals were destroyed. Clark says that his father built a ship and sent him to Kansas. You could call it prenatal punishment. "Daddy!" yells a small boy as he enters the garage. Dax-Ur picks up the boy, Max. His wife, Grace, also comes in. She's pretty hot. Old Dax-Ur did pretty well for himself. We could speculate on the biology of Max, but the kid may have been adopted. "You have a family," says Clark after they leave. "You live like a human." Clark says he heard the only way for a Kryptonian to do that is with blue Kryptonite. Dax-Ur rolls up his sleeve and shows Clark a butt-ugly watch with a giant, obvious, light blue stone on it. Homeboy couldn't have sculpted it a little? Dax-Ur says that he didn't put the watch on overnight. (Neither would I; it looks like ass.) He sounds regretful that his work helped to create Brainiac. He realized too late that his technology (or his SCIENCE!) could lead to the destruction of worlds. Dax-Ur says that's why he left Krypton. He came to Earth to study the sun's effect on Kryptonian minerals. Dax-Ur walks out into the light and says that it was the sun's effect on him that really mattered. He became a Kryptonian sunny delight. He wanted to save the human race. Clark says that it must have been difficult for Dax-Ur to give up his abilities for Grace. "I knew in the span of a heartbeat," Dax-Ur tells him. Clark asks if he's got any more blue Kryptonite. He's totally jonesin'. "What's her name?" Dax-Ur asks. Clark looks embarrassed. Dax-Ur tells him it's all right: "It's not every day a fellow Kryptonian asks me for help." Dude is pretty cool. Clark looks relieved.
Lana is at Oliver's place. Bizarro, of course, shows up just as Lana is trying to call by cell phone. She asks if Papa Luthor was any help. Bizarro tells her that Brainiac and Bizarro are now working together. They hug as Lana accepts blame for all this. Lana glances in a window and sees in the reflection that Bizarro's face has changed in the sun. She tries not to let it slip that she knows something. Bizarro says that they need to get her out of there. Lana says that she needs to go get her bag. Bizarro smiles creepily.
Arizona. A wind blows an absurd tumbleweed nearby as Clark puts a giant hunk of blue rock into a little lead case. He puts a look of determination on his face, and then whooshes out.
Oliver's apartment. Bizarro is waiting on Lana. She's trying to text-message Clark, "HELP! HE'S HERE!" Bizarro's superhearing picks up loud chiming from the phone. He catches Lana as she's trying to send another text message. ("Cld u pckup p'za on way? No food hr.") Lana is busted. She tries to run. Bizarro whooshes in front of her. Lana calls him a monster. He says he's the same dude she's been with the last few weeks, and that she'd said she'd never been happier: "I made you feel that way! Not Clark." Bizarro says all that mattered was his survival when he came to town, but that all changed when he met Lana. What...bullshit. We hear another whoosh. Clark, wearing the opposite (red jacket, blue shirt), pulls out the blue rock and tries to punch Bizarro with it. Bizarro reacts quickly, swinging at Clark and sending him flying across the room. The rock lands on the floor. Lana goes to pick it up. Bizarro asks what she's doing. "Will this destroy him?" Lana asks. Clark says it will. Clark tells Lana to take it and go because he won't be able to protect her without his abilities. "I'll do it myself," says Lana. Clark tries to stop her. Bizarro tells Lana that she finally felt in love with Clark this last month. He says he knows what's in Clark's mind, and that Clark doesn't love her the way Bizarro does. "That's a lie!" Clark yells. Bizarro says that Clark is lying to himself. Lana doesn't know what to think. Bizarro says that Clark won't commit his life to her the way Clark will. Lana finally says, "He's right, Clark." Lana says she's never been more in love than she was the last month: "Only it wasn't with you. It was with him." Bizarro gives Clark a cocky smile. Lana, shut up! Bizarro promises that nothing will come between them again. He holds out his hand. Lana takes it as her other hand grips the blue rock. She hesitates, and then places the blue rock in Bizarro's hand. It glows brightly. He looks at Lana sadly, before his face starts turning to stone. He looks up, and chunks of his face break off. "I love you," he tells Lana as he falls apart. Take care of...my other...paaaaaants! Clark shields Lana just before Bizarro explodes. Clark says he's gone. He hugs Lana. She doesn't seem too thrilled with that.
Commercials. Top Models be crazy!
Arizona sunset. Dax-Ur is finishing up for the evening. Someone greets him by his Kryptonian name. It's NotSoFine. Dax-Ur doesn't recognize him, and asks who he is. "You should know. You created me," says NotSoFine, adding that if Clark and Bizarro weren't so busy destroying each other, they might have figured out that NotSoFine was just using them to get to Dax-Ur. Dax-Ur tries to run. Brainiac grabs him by the bracelet arm. NotSoFine says he's damaged. He says that Dax-Ur is the only one who knows how to repair him. Dax-Ur says that NotSoFine is on his own. NotSoFine says that all he needs is the information in his mind. Dax-Ur is defiant and won't tell. "You don't have to talk," NotSoFine tells him. He spins Dax-Ur around, and two of his fingers turn into snaky silver extensions. One goes in Dax-Ur's neck. The other one goes in his temple. NotSoFine sucks out some knowledge as his eye goes green with data.
Daily Planet. Boy Editor is holding a folder with some business stories about Papa Luthor. One reads, "Lionel Luthor donates $40 million to charity." Another reads, "Lionel Luthor named man of the year." How about man of the century? Lex enters Boy Editor's office, complaining about not getting a phone call. Boy Editor says that he's been swamped. He doesn't know how Lex expects him to run a world-class paper with such a limited staff. "I don't," Lex tells him. "You're fired." Lex says he warned Boy Editor not to go near Papa Luthor: "He's dangerous." Boy Editor thinks that Papa would have found out eventually, and that Boy Editor didn't want to hide. Lex says that he trusted Boy Editor, and that he shouldn't have told Papa. Boy Editor says that Papa made a reservation at the best steakhouse in Metropolis. He gloats that Papa wants to get to know him better. Lex says he's shockingly naïve. He says he's afraid Papa Luthor will have Boy Editor killed. Boy Editor smiles at Lex's bullshit. Lex offers to get him out of Metropolis, and to a job working for the international desk of the London Times. How is that any less high-profile? There are no assassins in England? Boy Editor tells Lex to shove it. He thinks Lex is just selfish. He unwisely asks Lex if he's not used to people leaving him. He asks how many times Lex has been married. Lex calls him an "ungrateful son of a bitch" (Lex ragged on his own mom?) and says he'd still be a smudge in a Petri dish if it wasn't for Lex. Boy Editor is not intimidated. He says that Lex is so lonely and pathetic he had to build himself a baby brother. Lex grabs him and growls, "I gave you everything!" Lex says that if he turns his back, Boy Editor will lose everything. Boy Editor doesn't care about losing his office. He says it'll give him more time to enjoy the full benefits of being a Luthor: "Last I heard, I was practically made for this family." Lex stews.
Cut to later in the evening. Boy Editor and Papa Luthor are walking out of the steakhouse, which looks a lot like the Smallville Medical Center entrance. Boy Editor raves about the New York sirloins they just had. He thanks Papa Luthor. Papa says that, after a good dinner, one can forgive anybody -- even one's own relations. "That's not me. That's Oscar Wilde," Papa says. Uh...huh. Boy Editor, downcast, says he bets that Oscar Wilde's brother didn't cook him up in the lab. It's a strange, but interesting, Gayest Look of the Episode. Comparing Lex to Oscar Wilde? More delicious than New York sirloin. Papa says that he doesn't care how Boy Editor came into this world: the boy is a Luthor. He puts his hands on Boy Editor's cheeks. "You're my son," Papa says. Boy Editor smiles. A mugger is there, of course. He's wearing a hood and big sunglasses. "Give me your money, now," he says. Papa, very calmly, says they don't want any trouble. Boy Editor reaches for his wallet. "NOW!" the robber yells. Boy Editor hands over the wallet and tells the mugger to get out of there. The mugger shoots him in the chest three times. Boy Editor spins and faces Papa. "Julian!" says Papa Luthor. The mugger shoots again, getting Boy Editor in the back. He falls and lands on the ground. "Pioneer To The Falls" by Interpol plays. Creeeeeepy song. Papa Luthor kneels over the body, sobbing.
Cut to Lex playing pool at the mansion. He takes a long drink.
We see the mugger walking. He uses his phone to text-message someone.
Lex glances at his phone in slow motion. A message on his Palm phone reads, "JOB DONE." Lex drops the Treo. It breaks. He goes outside into the rain. Lex looks up at the sky as lightning flashes. He grits his teeth and cries. He lets out a mighty scream and extends his arms. More screams. Daaaaamn, Lex. Shoot an overly dramatic music video out here, why don't you?
Kynt Farm. Clark stares outside the window as it rains. Lana stands behind him. They both look devastated. Lana sighs heavily as the music continues. Clark just stares outside. Lana tries to touch Clark's arm. He just looks at her sadly. "Straight into my heart!" the music says. We dissolve to the two of them in bed as lightning flashes and the camera pulls back. It looks like a great distance lies between them. Nice song, at least!
week: Always bet on Black! (Canary.)