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Brace yourselves, good friends. This episode is full of decay and ruin. Clark, bummed out about his dead birth mom, starts hearing her disembodied voice. She wants him to use the crystal to free her. Clark, thinking, "When has doing something dumb ever had consequences for me?" does just that, freeing the animated DNA of his mother after being transported to the Fortress of Contrivitude by the crystal. Mom is super-nice and all, but this was a bad move. Clark's action also freed the still-overacting Zor-El, and he's not gonna just join SAG and be chill about the whole thing. Zor-El convinces Kara that he's changed and she trusts him. Zor-El goes to Jor-El's emissary, Papa Luthor, and kicks his ass around while trying to get to Clark. Papa acts bravely, but he still ends up in the hospital. Zor-El tries to get Lara and Clark to go along with his "Let's all be a happy family and kill all the Earthlings...with my SCIENCE!" plan, but they're not having it. Lara gives Clark a blue ring that belonged to Jor-El, but the blue Kryptonite strips Clark of his powers, making him a humble putz of a farmboy. He doesn't take the opportunity to have more sex with Lana. Lana does have a conversation with Lara, who can sense the evil in her and tells her to fight it off and be good. Good luck with that, Lana. Zor-El uses some Fortress crystals to try to destroy the Earth with some silly eclipse, but Clark stops him with good old green meteor rock. Clark destroys the blue crystal, which makes Zor-El and Lara disappear. It also makes Kara go away, but she reappears on the streets of Detroit with amnesia. All together now: "Huh!?" Clark gets all bummed out about losing everybody all at once. Lana is like, "But you still have evil me!" and Clark has even more reason to be depressed. He also seems to have forgotten that he has a really great mom in Washington. Clark goes to the Fortress to talk to Jor-El, who is pissed that Clark defied him yet again. Jor-El says there are consequences, and the episode ends with some light flashing on Clark. That's gonna be one hell of a spanking.
In other storylines, Lois and Boy Editor are still hot and heavy. Chloe catches them in the act of making out in Boy Editor's office, and she gets really pissed at Lois, telling her that she's going to have to break if off if she wants to be taken seriously as a reporter. Lois, comforted by the idea that Boy Editor hired her for her skills, not for her ta-tas, tries to break up with him, but they end up kissing some more. Complicating matters: Lex and Boy Editor are totally in cahoots. Over a game of pool, Lex reveals that he knows about the relationship with Lois and tells him to break it off because it's too risky. Things taken an even stupider turn when we find out that Boy Editor is actually Lex's dead brother, Julian. Now, here's the thing: if Lex had cloned him from his dead brother's DNA, cool. That's interesting. But instead, we get a badly written, weak-sauce explanation that Julian never died: it was all a Papa Luthor ruse and Julian's been alive this whole time, given up for adoption in secret. Lex has helped him get to where he is, career wise, and wants to keep his identity a secret. Which makes absolutely no sense and really screws up the show's continuity. And isn't Boy Editor way too old to be Julian? Dammit, show. Just when I thought we were going to be friends again. Grrr! Want more? The full recap starts right below!
The exterior of the Kent home at night. There's a breeze. Chimes. A window. We peek in and see Clark, sitting on the couch, doing the forward lean of inner torment. The fireplace is lit as Clark stares at the old Polaroid of his birth mother, Lara. He leaves it on the coffee table, with a large wooden duck to stand guard. The front door opens. Kara, wearing tiny shorts and a sleeveless shirt (good thing we've got that fireplace roaring), comes in carrying a big surfboard, which looks like it's never been used. She tells Clark that Coast City could not have been more awesome. She expresses delight that Jimmy Olsen can shred the waves with the best of them. Cowabunga, dude. "Where's Lana?" she asks. Clark says she's in Metropolis visiting her Aunt Nell. Is that like when Aunt Flow comes and stays for a few days and the cows get all scared?
Kara finally notices that Clark is bummed out. She asks if he's all right. Clark asks if she ever thinks about her parents and how it's like they're practically calling out to you. Not anymore, dude. They're kinda dead. Kara says she's always thinking about them. She says her mother and father will always be with her. That's why we've never heard anything about Kara's mom before? She brings up Lara, as well. Clark says he knows stuff about Jarnelle, but that his mother's always been a mystery. Kara, backing away from Clark's emotional luggage toward the stairs, promises to tell Clark everything he'd want to know about "the amazing Lara-El" in the morning. I'm guessing she'll conveniently have an early shift at The Talon instead. She tells Clark to get some sleep. Supersleep. Dynamic 40 Winking. The Uber-Snooze.
Clark begins to hear literal whispering in the wind. He goes to the window to see where it's coming from. It's the barn. There's some incredibly intelligent hay in there. Clark goes to investigate. In the barn, Clark hears the voice of Lara. He sees a blue glow coming from the little floor hiding space where he's been hiding the blue crystal. He opens the trap door, and the camera spins toward the Blue Dildo of Maternal Memory. Clark grabs the crystal with his giant karate grip. "You must come to the fortress," Lara says clearly. "I need you, my son. Save me." Somebody! Write me a theme song about it, too!
The crystal begins to glow white-hot. Everything goes to a flash, and Clark is at the Fortress. Jarnelle is like, "I was...uh...just reading a magazine! What are you doing here? Wait, don't move. Let me put my pants back on." While he's got Clark's attention, Jarnelle tells him that the crystal was made by Zor-El (using SCIENCE!). Jarnelle pronounced it, "Zoral." Like Moral Orel. He says the dildo has no place in this Fortress. It's dirty. "My mother needs my help!" Clark screams. My son, you don't have to yell. The Fortress has surround sound. Jarnelle says that it's a little late to help Clark's mother. She's kinda dead, along with the rest of Krypton. But we can try to patch her in on a three-way call. Hold on a sec...do I hit "flash" and then the pound sign? Let me go fetch the phone service instructions. Or better yet, let me call you back in a few hours.
Clark tells Jarnelle, in his own house, that he's wrong and that they need to help Lara. (Sigh...) My son, the idiot. Jarnelle says that everything Zor-El did was motivated by power and greed. Clark holds up the blue dildo like it's a knife and he wants to stab somebody. Lara's voice tells Clark that she's running out of time and that he needs to hurry. Jarnelle tells Clark not to let human emotions cloud his judgment. Wow, do you know Clark at all? Of course he's going to screw things up. Learn reverse-psychology, Dad. Defiantly, Clark says, "I won't turn my back on my mother!" He does a hilarious spin move in the wrong direction and shoves the blue dildo into the Ice Dildo Rack of Destiny. Everything goes dark. The rack glows brightly. Clark turns. All of the stadium lights in the Fortress start to illuminate. We hired a guy to set this up after we saw The Temptations in concert. It really livens up the place. There's also a TV that rolls out of the big ice cabinet in the back. And we bought a mini-fridge to keep beer in the living room during football games. A blue ray of energy shoots from the ice rack, through Clark's chest, and toward a nearby empty area. The rope of energy pools together and forms Lara's body. Lots of white flashing lights. "Jor-El?" Lara, wearing a white gown, asks. Er...awkward! Clark says he's Kal-El. Lara can't believe it. "My son!" she says. "My beautiful boy!" Clark looks childlike and humbled. It's awfully cute. "You're a man," she says. A natural man. A full-grown man. All kinds of man up in here. Literally a few times. She hugs Clark. He's in heaven. The camera goes wide and pans down to reveal a sneaky actor hanging out among the ice walls. I bet he's going to do some acting for us.
Opening credits. Commercials. Alicia Keys has a new album out. It's called, Even If He Were Single, Omar G. Would Not Have A Shot With Me. It's burning up the charts.
Kent Farm. Clark opens the front door and brings Lara in. We see a very cute picture of a much younger Clark nearby. Would it be weird if I said that photo makes him look like a darker-haired version of Caruso from Everybody Hates Chris? Clark asks Lara is she feels all right. She's super, thanks for asking. She looks around the house and says it's like a dream. A dream that we must re-decorate immediately. Clark says that when he heard her voice coming from the crystal, she sounded like she was in trouble. She says the last thing she remembers was the world exploding around her. That does sound like trouble. She says Clark must have heard her cries. They walk to the kitchen. She says she knew Clark's father was working on a plan, but she didn't think he'd send her forward in time through a portal. Yeah, about that...Clark is going to explain how she got here. He's interrupted by Kara, who walks into the room. "Aunt Lara!" she says. They hug. Kara says her dad put her on a ship and sent her away in the nick of time. Lara says Lara must have come from her crystal. Clark looks guilty. He looks away. "You had it all this time?" Kara asks him. It was a pretty dildo! He couldn't resist. Lara asks what crystal they're talking about. Clark says she didn't come through a portal. "Zor-El," Lara says, with a bit of disgust. "His technology...it worked!" she says. Boy, did she marry the wrong El. They could have made a fortune! How was she supposed to know, though? His only other invention was a machine for evenly spreading peanut butter and jelly on sandwich bread, but it ended up killing five people. Kara asks if that means her father is here, too. Lara thinks that Zor-El is likely right behind her. ACK! Turn around, then. It would be awesome if he really were standing right behind her. But he's off auditioning for a Gilbert and Sullivan production right now. Lara says he's dangerous. And dramatic. Kara stares down Clark. Clark says it doesn't matter because there's three of them and one of him. Not if Kara switches sides. Kara has a lot to think about. It would be a lot easier to do in much less clothing, she decides.
Metropolis. We're flying over The Daily Planet. Inside his office, Boy Editor is looking at a set of photos that Lois is showing him. Shouldn't they be viewing these on a computer? That's an awful lot of printer ink to waste. One photo has a huge bright spot on it. Boy Editor doesn't seem to know what he's supposed to be seeing. "Where is the face?" he asks? "LASIK, anyone?" Lois responds. Lois points to it. "That's not a face, that's a blur," he says. Is that a nipple? It must be a nipple, 'cuz I'm droolin'. Boy Editor says that a compromising photo of their philandering mayor needs two eyes, a nose, and a mouth. Meanwhile, the photo, while blurry, does seem recognizable. "Who took these?" Boy Editor asks. Lois says she did. Boy Editor tries to cut back on the venom. He says Lois is a woman of many talents, but photography isn't one of them. Now, if you need a Dirty Sanchez...You should call Sanchez. Because Lois is probably bad at that, too.
Lois says to forget the photos (sure, why not?), because the story speaks for itself. She says the golden boy mayor fell for a raven-haired nanny. Boy Editor and Lois stare at each other moonily. Destroying someone's life is so romantic. "What the hell was he smoking?" Lois asks. Boy Editor says that the mayor doesn't smoke, but some women have the power to turn men's judgment upside down. Like when producers of a TV show allow a middling actress who plays a not very interesting character to completely overtake their show for seven seasons. Boy Editor comes around the desk, and Lois gets right in his face. She asks where he learned that little nugget of wisdom. From bitter recent experience. They kiss. Right in the office. During working hours. While everyone outside the office is busting their asses to meet deadline. Sure, life is fair. Lois stops him and asks him to admit something. She thinks his decision to hire her was based on hedonism, not journalism. Boy Editor's smile fades. Wait, is there going to be a blowjob at the end of this interrogation? Because that's really going to affect how much time should be devoted to this line of questioning.
Boy Editor goes over to the filing cabinet while Lois, talking to herself, says, "I knew it. My job is a total fraud." Not total. Just like around 99 percent. Treasure that 1 percent. Boy Editor pulls out a news clip and says he made the decision to hire her before he ever saw her pretty mug. You mean before she just happened to be in your newsroom and you hired her on the spot? Wow, man, you're like fucking psychic. And badly written, I might add. We see a weird press clip of a story Lois wrote with the headline, "Fort Ryan's Hanger 44 Testosterone Fight Cages." The Inquisitor is so strapped for cash, they can't afford verbs for their headlines. And they put their headlines in the middle of the story, which his also a little strange. Boy Editor calls it an "Edge-of-your-seat exposé on underground fighting." That must be a tiny seat. So Lois got hired based on a story she dug out of a trash can and that involved her directly? Nice hire there, Grant. He must have liked the part about Lois in red latex the best. Lois smiles. Boy Editor says it was a coincidence that he happened to find Lois completely irresistible. More kissing.
Chloe, nearby, gets out of an elevator. She's walking to Boy Editor's office. Inside the office, we see Boy Editor mounting Lois right on his desk. They knock over some office supplies. Chloe, hearing it, opens the door. She sees Lois on the desk and Boy Editor kissing her. It's about to be Red Shoe Diaries up in here. Chloe, wide-eyed, closes the door. She looks worried and tired. And her hair's too short, while we're judging.
Kent Farm. The cows are enjoying Lana's time away. Up in the barn loft, Kara is staring out the huge sunset window. A dark whoosh approaches from behind her. Make way! Actor approaching! It's Zor-El, wearing a pretty funny black leather jacket. "My dear Kara, you're all right," he says. Also, they had a fantastic sale at Wilson's Leather on discontinued clothing from The Matrix. I bought six of these! Let's go get some sunglasses! Zor-El says he had a feeling he'd find her at the farm. He creeps forward and gives her a really scary hug. Kara pivots around and backs away from the barn window. She knows he tried to kill his brother. Zor-El says he's changed. He's a better man than he was. And an even better AC-TOR! He's been to a Lee Strasberg workshop, and it completely changed his technique! Expect even more emoting. And SCIENCE! Kara, her lip shiny, tries to keep up. She says that after all he's done (long, dramatic pause), why should she believe him? Zor-El says he's been given a second chance in a new world. We see his full body and his coat really is just too funny. It's definitely something stolen from the closet of Morpheus.
Zor-El promises not to make the same mistakes, including taking his family for granted. Or his obligation to help out his fellow community theatre players. "Our planet is gone," he says, "family is the only thing we have left." That and Shakespeare. Oh, the Bard. He does so lift my soul and seal up my potholes. Zor-El says he wants to start over with her and be a better father. Now cry like a baby and feed at my teat, child. Kara says she still remembers the songs he sang her to sleep. "The Major-General's Song." "We Sail the Ocean Blue." "Theme from 'Shaft'"! Zor-El promises they can be together again. With Clark and Lara. As a family. They'll buy a run-down little restaurant and turn it to the best little dinner theater performance space Kansas has ever seen! "You just have to trust me," he says. And learn your lines. And don't you dare step on my cues, you strapling! Kara wants to trust him. They hug. He tells her to wait at the Fortress for him. Unfortunately, the audition for Daughter of Zor-El is an open casting call. They'll give you some sides when you get there.
Metropolis. Papa Luthor's office. He's at his desk, concentrating on the world's most important piece of paper. We hear a whoosh. Zor-El is there, his hand arched on the desk. I demand an act-off! On your feet, Glover! Love! Valour! Compassion!? How about Hate! Ass-kicking! Defeat!? Leaning forward in a very comical way, Zor-El says, "Jor-El's vessel..." Yes? Can I help you? Would you like entry? Zor-El says the crystals led him right to Papa Luthor. He thought they were Kryptonian, but some sneaky bastard swapped them out for Folgers Crystals. It is shameful that he could not tell the difference. He grabs Papa Luthor by the suit and picks him right up. He throws Papa down on the desk. I've never been on Broadway, you bitch! Zor-El says that as Jor-El's emissary, Papa Luthor will be listened to by his family. He tells Papa Luthor to tell them they should heed his word. Papa Luthor says Zor-El's words won't help him here. He'll need to take some modern dance classes, too, and get a whole new set of headshots. Zor-El flings Papa Luthor across the room, breaking a glass table, of course. Papa Luthor crawls, trying to get to his feet. "You're just as stubborn as my brother. Soon you can be just as dead," Zor-El says. Too much? Maybe it would be more menacing if I did it as a whisper. "Soon you can be just as dead." Ah yes, much better. I was really feeling the emotion that time. He threatens Papa's life if he doesn't tell Clark to trust his uncle. Papa Luthor, still on the floor, says that Clark is following his own destiny, and he won't do anything to mess that up. Zor-El rushes at Papa Luthor, but as he does, Clark zips into the room. Everything goes to slow-motion and we see Clark punch Zor-El right in the diaphragm. But I was going to use that to PRRRRO-JECT! Zor-El goes flying. He crashes through the window and falls. Then we see a dark shape fly up toward the sky. To the fly system! Clark goes to the window and looks down. Er, Clark? He went up, dude. Just now. While you were watching. Clark looks up. Oh...There he is. Man, that guy's really good.
Commercials. I wish you could see this awesome local news promo. It's a story about a giant six-foot bird that people are calling, "San Antonio's Mystery Bird." So goddamned funny.
LuthorCorp. Usually, we'd go straight to the hospital, but instead, we're still in Papa Luthor's office, where a team of paramedics is carrying Papa out on a stretcher and investigators are going, "Yes. It looks like something really broke the crap out of this window. I'm going to write that down. It's almost like we're in some kind of bad local play. And it's going to get really shitty reviews." As he's being wheeled out, Papa Luthor calls out for Clark. A paramedic tells him to lie still. "I have to speak to Clark!" he says. Clark comes around the corner and announces that he's here. Get used to it! Papa tells him that Zor-El is looking for a woman named Lara. He will also accept: Meryl Streep, Dame Judi Dench, or Helen Mirren.
Daily Planet. Lois, freshly schtupped, goes to her desk, carrying a cup of coffee from Starfucks. I meant Starbucks. No, I didn't. She says "Hey" to Chloe. She asks what's the latest headline. "Busy. Writing. Story," Chloe says angrily. Oh, awesome, I was just fucking the bo-- er, I mean, I am...also...writing...story? Only, my writing method involves my naked vagina on a desk. Hemingway wrote that way. Lois says that someone woke up on the right side of the bed this morning. WRONG! It's "wrong" side of the bed! Get it together, Lane! You're a disaster! Buy a book of quotations! Chloe, rolling her eyes, says sarcastically, "At least I woke up in my own bed." How sad is that? Lois asks what that's supposed to mean. She says she told Chloe she was working on a story. It was called, How To Fuck Your Boss And Ruin Your Career In 69 Easy Steps Chloe, giving Lois the dagger eyes, asks if it was a story about a reporter and her editor getting an exclusive between the sheets. Stop the presses! What a scoop! Lois says nothing, for once. Chloe raises her eyebrows. She gets out of her chair to storm off dramatically. From way off in the distance, I hear Zor-El clap his hands slowly and say, "Bravo! Bravo, young actress. I applaud thee!"
Lois follows Chloe. Lois insists that this wasn't just acting on impulse. Lois says it's not like she did a double-Gaynor blindly off a cliff. Is that what the kids are calling it these days? And who's Cliff? Chloe says that of all the people in the world, Lois had to end up with her editor. She hisses it in a whisper, but it's plenty loud for the people around them to hear. Lois says she may have strayed into the minefield of inappropriate romance, but that it had nothing to do with her getting hired or getting ahead. Oh, really? You really believe that, Lois? You really believe it doesn't give you an advantage over other reporters to have the ear of your editor on your pillow? You really don't think it influences the assignments you get, the trips you get to take, or how receptive your editor is to your story ideas? That's really what you think is the truth? Because I really feel like we should just be done with Lois. I've given her the benefit of the doubt and, in her deeds and her actions, she continually proves to be a dumb shit. Lois Lane on Smallville is a dumb shit who really believes the stupid dumb shit words that come out of her dumb shit mouth. Can we trade her in? Please?
Chloe just gives Lois a worried "My God, you are a dumb shit" look and walks away. Wish I could, too. Lois follows her and asks if she believes her. Chloe says the issue is whether anyone else will believe her. Nobody will. What has Lois done to prove she's worthy of any credibility in the first place? Chloe says that gossip spreads faster than a bad rash. Interesting choice of words there. Anything else we should know about Lois? Chloe says that people are going to start scratching. Chloe says that people will assume that Lois jump-started her career on her editor's Die Hard battery. Too...many...visuals. Can't process it all. Lois, also looking very tired lately, says she'll let everyone think what they want. She's not going to let water cooler gossip splash cold water on her personal life. Good luck with that line of reasoning when your dumb shit self is on the street looking for a new job. Chloe tells her she's a big girl and can do what she wants, but if she wants to be taken seriously as a reporter, she'll have to break it off before it breaks her career. And Boy Editor's desk. Lois sighs a dumb shit sigh.
Oliver's not-so-secret clock-tower headquarters. Lara is being led in by Clark, who tells her she'll be safe there while Kara is at the farm. Yeah, that really worked for Lana when you tried to use this place as a safe house last time. At this moment, my wife notices the show (which she doesn't regularly watch) and asks who that woman is. "It's Clark's mom," I tell her. "She's alive?" "Sort of. She's a clone. She was in a crystal, but they brought her back to life. Her DNA." "So she's not real?" "No, she's real...but she's sort of a clone of his dead mother." "What about his adopted mother?" I just shrug my shoulders. My wife gives me a look that confirms how crazy and stupid this episode has become.
Clark opens the doors to the balcony. Lara, who wears white and wonders where Clark and Kara got this thing for primary colors, says she wants to protect Clark. She says Zor-El can come at her. She doesn't care. Clark says that ever since he found out he was adopted, he wanted to know what his real mother was like. Notice he said "real" not "birth" mother. Somewhere in D.C., MamaKent feels a sharp pang in her heart. ["Seriously, dude, what a clunker. That's bullshit." -- Miss Alli] Clark says that now she's here, and he doesn't want to lose her. She puts her hands on his shoulders, reassuringly. "You already lost me," she says. Uh...thanks? She says his real mother died with Jor-El. Then who the fuck are you? Clark says he's not going to let anything happen to this...person. "The Kents have raised you well," she says. They both smile. Lana, meanwhile, just wanders in. Oops! Clark asks what she's doing there. Lana says Kara told her Clark might be here and might need help. Clark thinks she just wanted Lana to meet his mother. He introduces Lara. She totally died before, but it's cool. Lana says it's an honor to meet her. Clark asks Lana to stay with his mother. Ooh. Awkward. Thanks for nothing, Clark. He says he has to meet up with Kara. Lana is like, "Oh, sure...let me go...make some tea...in CHINA! (Running away) Woob woob woob woob woob!" Lara wants to give something to Clark. It's a big silver ring on a chain. It has a dark blue jeweled stripe. It was Jor-El's. It was his victory ring, given to him when he became a member of the council. Ignore the logo for Drama Club; that was just a phase. Lara says it's Kryptonian tradition to pass the ring on to the first-born son when he comes of age. Clark will have to do. Clark puts the ring on his right hand ring finger. It glows briefly. Clark's eyes also flash bright blue. Lara asks if he's all right. "Yeah. I think so," he says.
Clark emerges downstairs in an alley, and Zor-El is already there, calling out to him. Zor-El is standing way up on a weird walkway between two buildings. "Of course, Jor-El's son!" he says. It's more dramatic up here! And more of the audience can see me, even from the cheap seats! Clark turns, but Zor-El is now standing behind him. Zor-El says Clark has the same devious look in his eye. Want to do some improv exercises? Clark asks how he found him. "Kara told me," he says. Zor-El says Kara only wants what's best for the House of El and is waiting at the Fortress. He says they're going to begin their mission to save the Kryptonian race.
Clark doesn't think this dude wants to save anyone. Zor-El says it's for the greater good. That's something Jor-El didn't understand, because he was a feeble-minded pacifist. He should have never dropped out of Drama Club. Clark says his dad did the best he could. Zor-El asks where he is now. He's just a voice. But Zor-El is here, in the flesh, ready to do some real acting. "Let's go get your mother," he says, trying to touch Clark's face in a familiar way. It's the Gayest Look of the Episode. "I'll never join you," Clark says. You're not my father, Darth Vader! Clark tries to fight, but Zor-El grabs him. He says if he'd raised Clark, Clark wouldn't be such a slack-ass. He throws Clark onto a hood of a car. Clark is hurt. He's bleeding. Zor-El says that the blue ring might symbolize victory back home, but here, it means defeat. It's a -3 to Strength and +4 Poison to Goblin Attacks. Zor-El says he had this whole thing planned and knew that Lara would give Clark the ring. Clark says this whole thing was a trick. Tricks are for magicians and cheap whores, Clark. This is SCIENCE! Zor-El knew that he could count on Clark's stupidity. It's a scientific fact. Zor-El slides aside the car that Clark landed on to get to him. He grabs Clark and tells him that his destiny is to rule. On Guitar Hero. He says they can do it together, as a family. Clark says Zor-El's not his family. He's like Uncle Chester, the Child Molester. Zor-El gets mad and says that if it weren't for Lara, he'd kill Clark right now. But we must save it for the third act! He flies away.
Upstairs in the clock tower, Lana is pouring some tea for Lara. She spills some of it. Lara thinks Lana is ill at ease. She's ill at everything. Lana lies, saying she's fine. Lara thinks Lana is worried she'll discover the darkness she's trying to conceal. Lara suggests Lana not let that darkness overpower the good in her. "You must fight it," she says. Zor-El appears on the balcony, calling for Lara. Lara tells Lana to leave. In one motion, Zor-El sashays in, grabs Lara, and tells her they have a new life waiting up north. What are they, migrant farmer Kryptonians? Lana tells Zor-El to let Lara go. Clark appears in the elevator just in time to see Lana thrown roughly against the elevator grate. She goes unconscious. Clark goes to help her. Zor-El has taken Lara with him. Clark's still bleeding.
Commercials. Rock Band. By the time this recap is published, it'll be safe for me to say I've been playing it and it's freakin' awesome. I swear to you.
The Daily Planet. Foreboding music plays. Please wash your hands on your way out: people are having sex on the premises. Clark, still looking all beaten up, comes down the stairs looking for Chloe. Chloe puts her hand on his cheek and says she wasn't expecting it to be Raging Bull bad. Now Clark has to gain 40 pounds. Hey, you should see the other guy. He's actually...perfectly fine and signing up for Rent auditions. Clark says the doctors told him that Lana has no internal injuries and will be fine. Like we care. Chloe says Clark's not so hot: she says blood and sweat are never a good combination on Clark. Chloe suggests Clark refrain from wearing rings of any kind until his wedding day. Clark says it was all a trick, part of Zor-El's plan. He says he couldn't ignore his mother's calling voice. Chloe says she knows all about wanting to find your long-lost mother, but that the sad reality is that Clark's mom died. She says he can't bring her back from the dead. Clark says she's not a zombie (though that would have been a more interesting idea for this episode). Clark says he has to do everything to save his mother. Chloe tells him good luck with that: he's got no powers. Chloe gets the idea that Kara can help. Clark says grumpily that she betrayed him. She's on her father's side. Clark needs a ride from Chloe. He says he has to get this ring off his finger and go to the Fortress. Chloe says, "My Yaris gets awesome mileage, but I seriously doubt it'll get us to the North Pole." Oh, Yaris. I did so miss your product placement. You must have been jealous of Project Scion. Clark just needs a ride to the barn. Which is still a few hours away. Hope he's got some cash to pitch in on gas money.
Lair of Lex. Lex is playing pool and telling his guest that Metropolis is pretty awesome and that there are no finer women anywhere. But then, he says, his guest has probably figured that out. The guest is...Boy Editor. Boy Editor says he hasn't had time for that, because of work. Lex can't believe he's not dating anyone. He asks about the legion of female reporters scurrying under Boy Editor's feet. Huh? Feet? "Lois Lane, for example," Lex says, giving Boy Editor a look. "Sexy, smart..." Lex says. He can't think of any other adjectives for Lois. Dear sir, may I kindly offer: Dumb shit. Boy Editor pretends not to know what Lex is talking about in terms of dating her. He sinks a solid blue ball. Was that a metaphor? Lex asks if Boy Editor is researching an article on Lois's bra size lately. Hey, you brought up her tits, not me, show. Now they're fair game. Boy Editor just smiles. Lex says word travels fast. "Why not tell me?" he asks. Boy Editor thinks it wasn't relevant. Lex thinks his buddy should be free to date anyone at The Planet, just not Lois Lane. Boy Editor Grant asks what's wrong with Lois, other than her bad spelling. Lex says she has an insatiable curiosity. Oh, thank goodness. I thought he was going to say "cockthirst." He says it's only a matter of time before Lois connects the dots. Grant says the situation is under control. He says he can easily keep her out of their business. Lex puts down the pool cue to show he's serious. "I know you're careful, but it's not worth the risk," he tells Boy Editor. He says he's sorry, but Grant will have to end it. Grant says he's fully aware of everything Lex has done for him (are you sure about that?), but that doesn't give Lex the right to control his life. Lex begs to differ. "Remember, if it weren't for me, you'd be nothing." I think he's a clone! The dialogue is just a little too obvious. Boy Editor stands here holding his pool cue while Lex exits.
Fortress of Iciness. Kara, wearing a little more clothes than usual, is wandering around. She goes to the Mighty Rack of Dildos and starts to touch them. We hear a loud whoosh. Zor-El is there, dragging Lara with him. Lara tells Kara to leave now. Zor-El tells her no. He says it's their duty to repopulate the planet. Bring me a bucket of ho's! Zor-El says they'll be what the humans would call Adam and Eve. Lara says that won't happen, because she won't be with him, not if he were the last man on...well, not if bad stuff were to happen. Zor-El threatens Clark's life. Kara asks why her dad would want to hurt Kal-El. Zor-El says daintily that it may be a necessary step. A pity, really. I did so enjoy all of the combat training we did for our scene together. Lara does a quick turnaround on her "I'll never be with you" stance. "You have me. I'm here," she says. Just don't do me on the ice or my ass will stick. She asks Zor-El not to lay a hand on her son. Zor-El agrees. He goes to the rack of dildos and starts moving them around. Let's see...which one of these says, "Destroy Earth..." He says he's putting a dark curtain over the sun. He learned it in Stagecraft Class. He says the human detritus will be killed off and they can begin their mission. A full-on Shakespeare in the round festival! Kara tries to stop him from killing everyone. Zor-El says helpfully that only Clark can remove the fatal dildo. He tells Kara that the humans need to be eradicated. Lara, who couldn't give a shit about that, says, "What will happen to my son?" Zor-El turns slowly and dramatically. He says he'll bring Clark into the Fortress for protection, but Lara has to promise not to go against him. Lara looks to Kara, but we cut away before she can agree.
Kent Farm. Clark is in the barn, using a sander to try remove the ring. Chloe stops him, saying she knows the blue Kryptonite is cramping his style, but he might grind his finger off. Clark's really frustrated. He needs to get to the Fortress somehow. Chloe tells him to take his book. She hands him a book that has an octagonal shape cut inside the pages. Just then a shadow falls over them. They go outside. Chloe checks a weather forecast video on her cell phone. It loads up instantly. It says nothing about a fatal eclipse. They go outside. The sky is darkening. It is an eclipse. Chloe says that's astrologically impossible, except on Heroes. "Zor-El," Clark says. Black hole sun, won't you come wash this episode away?
Commercials. They still want you to be a vlogger, whatever that means. I think this episode sure deserves a two-minute video rant.
Daily Planet. We see the non-moving eclipse up above the building. Everyone is standing around watching through a window instead of hammering out copy or making phone calls. Worst newsroom ever. The guy who bought Jimmy's tickets for his boyfriend recently, says, "Oh God, if this is the apocalypse, I'd better get my dogs." I like the wacky gay office workers better on Ugly Betty. Lois wanders by saying she's sure there's some boring scientific explanation and that the sun doesn't just blow out like a birthday candle. Everyone in the office is like, "Shut up, slut." Boy Editor bellows that it's time for everyone stop gawking and to stop working. He says they're journalists, not stargazers. Lois gives him a seductive look that nobody seems to notice. "Lane. I knew you'd be burning a hole in your retina," he tells her. Lois, so completely oblivious it hurts, says she's been looking all over the building for him. Did you look in your pants? He tells her he needs to see her in his office, five minutes ago. In the office, they both try to break it off. Lois says that for a girl not used to being swept off her feet, she's blowing in the wind here. Blowing is right. Grant says he's soaring through the clouds. Free-ballin'. They both finish each others' sentences that they need to end it, that this is inappropriate, that Boy Editor is her boss, that it's totally unprofessional. Lois says it'll be easy as pie. "I never even liked you that much," she says. He doesn't believe it. The both walk to the door, agreeing that it's all over, like it never happened. Try telling that to your co-workers. Then it all goes out the window like Zor-El, because Lois and Grant start kissing again. Wrong, wrong, wrong. And we're supposed to be rooting for Lois?
The Fortress of Solitude suddenly looks like it's in the Middle East with the washed-out sepia filter. The eclipse is on the horizon. Lara pulls from the dildo rack the giant glowing dagger that was going to be used on Zod (at least I think it's the same one). Is this a dildo I see before me? Kara comes to her and apologizes for her father. She thought he had changed. Lara is forgiving. Lara says her husband always kept a dagger at home; he was a peaceful man, but would do anything to protect his family. She says she won't let Zor-El hurt her son. Kara wants to be the stabber. Lara says she'll defeat him. Kara insists, saying that if Lara fails, Zor-El will kill her. Yeah, let's just trust the fate of the universe to Miss Sweet Corn. Lara, stupidly, gives Kara the dagger. Kara promises she won't let Lara get killed.
Zor-El whooshes in. He says he's searched everywhere, but Clark's nowhere to be found. Well then you didn't look everywhere, did you? Lara doesn't believe that Zor-El really looked. Zor-El asks when Lara is going to trust him. Just then, Kara tries to stab her father in the neck. He grabs her wrist easily. "You would kill your own father?" he asks. No summer stock for you! The dagger falls aside. Kara wants to protect the Earth. She's learned that everything he told her about humans was wrong. They are good people, she says, and worth defending. Eh, we're OK, I guess. Zor-El can't believe this bullshit. He puts a chokehold on her. Lara tries to help Kara, but he tosses Lara across the room easily. Zor-El lifts Kara by the neck. He says, "You have no idea how much this pains me." It's like the time I was booed off the stage doing my one-man version of Camelot. Oh, how it stung! Zor-El says his duty surpasses his bond of blood. Ha ha, I said "duty." What a little scamp I am! Acting! SCIENCE! Kara says she can't breathe. That's the point of a choke, my dear. "Sorry, my angel," he says, touching her cheek. Does he have any other moves than the creepy cheek brush?
Suddenly, Zor-El falls. Slowly. Using The Method. Clark is standing behind him holding out a Kryptonite rock. He tells Zor-El to back away. Zor-El scampers off, trying to jump a short block of ice. Exit! Downstage center! Clark, giving Zor-El the Hate Eyes, jabs the Kryptonite against his chest. He should have gotten that lead-lined coat. "Clark! The crystal! You're the only one who can stop the eclipse!" Kara yells. Yeah, I'm sort of the middle of killing your dad here, do you mind? Clark, dumb as ever, leaves Zor-El to go take care of the rack o' dildos. He pulls out the big blue crystal. The lights go off and then come back on bright white. Outside, we see the exterior of the Fortress go from beige back to white. The sun is out again. Lara comes to Clark. She says Zor-El must be destroyed. Quick, take away his copy of Stanislavski's An Actor Prepares! She tells Clark to destroy the crystal. Clark doesn't want her to get destroyed along with Zor-El. Lara says that as long as Clark has that ring, he won't be able to fulfill the destiny she and Jor-El envisioned for Clark. Clark says it's more important that they're together. Lara says she'll always be with Clark. "Destroy it!" she says. Zor-El is like, "Hey, guys? I'm still here! Doing stage business! What's my motivation for not wiggling until this rock falls off my chest?" Zor-El does just that. Ha ha! I have the upper hand! I shall let loose the dogs of war and My Science Method! Kara tries to wrestle with her dad. Lara tells Clark to "Do it! Save Kara!" Yeah, the bitch that betrayed us? I'll get right on that. Let me just check my do-to list. Oh, right, it says, "Don't fucking save Kara." Zor-El lets loose a mighty growl and tries to push Kara to impale her on the ice dildos: "Grrrrrrrr! I'm projecting to the upper balcony!" Clark turns and swings at the rack of dildos. In this shot, Kara and Zor-El have magically disappeared. The blue crystal shatters in slow motion. Everything turns to mist. "Mom," Clark says. Everyone has disappeared except Clark. Clark calls for Kara. She's not here, either. The camera pulls way back as Clark keeps calling for her.
We cut to a very nicely done shot of Kara literally lying on the street. It's raining, and she's on her side. The camera tilts 90 degrees and pulls back slowly. A car is about to hit Kara, but swerves. More cars are on the way. Kara gets up and runs off the street as the camerawork goes all grainy and jittery. Kara goes to a corner and finds a diner. She tries to get in, but the door is locked. She knocks and a waitress unlocks the door for her. The woman doesn't look too thrilled to be interrupted. She says Kara looks like she could use something warm. "Where am I?" Kara asks. "Detroit," the woman says. I was not expecting that. "Motor City?" the woman tries, "Michigan." Not ringing a bell for Kara. If Kara becomes a Motown singer, I'm quitting this recapping gig, I swear to you. Kara is scared. The woman says the street signs can be confusing around here, but she's never seen someone this lost. Have you seen Lost? She asks for Kara's name. Kara doesn't know her own name. Oh, no. Amnesia plotline! These truly are desperate times.
Commercials. You don't even want to know how many kinds of baby wipes are now on the open market.
Kent Farm. The cows can't even believe this amnesia shit, either. Clark is in the barn, angrily putting away bales of hay. Stupid, stupid hay! Lara, wearing a red jacket, shows up. "Still no word?" she asks. Yeah, just one: "Chores." Clark doesn't think Kara will ever come back. He blames himself. He hopes she's still alive somewhere. Lana says Clark only wanted to see his mother. She says if anyone could understand that, it's her. Did you hear? Lana's mother and father believed the Earth was flat because they were, too. Clark still blames himself. He says he let emotions get in the way of common sense. Lana says it's all right to feel and that Clark's emotions are part of him. He grumbles that they're more dangerous than Kryptonite. "Clark, you got to meet your mother!" Lana says. Stop your whining, you jackass. Clark says he always thought if he met his mother, she'd never live up to his image of her. Clark says she did. Lana takes the opportunity to talk about herself. She says she'll never be as strong as Lara and that she's not sure she's as good a person as Clark deserves. Clark says we all make mistakes. "I'm living proof of that," he says. Your birth was a mistake? Harsh. He says it's how we come back from our mistakes that matters. Lana asks how you come back when you feel you're at the point of no return. For one thing, you don't quote songs by Exposé. Clark points to how Lana helped his mother. By getting thrown across a room? "You're not that far gone," he says. He hugs Lana. Lana tries not to cry. Evil!
Daily Planet. Chloe notices that Lois seems to be working hard. Lois says she's trying to get an eclipse story done before the sun goes down on her career. Lois is frustrated with her keyboard and wonders why they couldn't put the keys in alphabetical order. They do have those, you know. Chloe pokes a huge hole in the story Lois is working on. She says the scientists are saying it wasn't an eclipse at all, but a huge circular shadow caused by water molecules. Lois says she has an astronomer who said something else. Lois says it's going to be a two-inch tall headline. Boy Editor walks in, ragging on Lois for working in slow motion. "Just keep your pants on," Lois says, earning a look from Chloe. Lois says she just needs a sec. "You snooze, you lose!" he bellows. He says someone on the third floor has already submitted his piece and it's going as tomorrow's headline. There's no room for other stories in the paper? Boy Editor suggests Lois try a typing class. He leaves. Chloe leans over and figures they must have had the Dear John conversation. Followed by the Dear Paris sex on the desk again. Lois goes along with that and lies that things are getting awkward. Chloe says, a bit sarcastically, you'd think Grant would be man enough to treat Lois like everyone else. Lois doesn't see the irony. She's irony-deficient. Lois is a big, dumb shit liar. Lois receives a text message: "Already miss you. Can't wait until tonight -- GG." Vomit. Lois smiles dreamily.
Lair of Lex. Lex is telling someone on the phone that none of their satellites were affected and they just lost a few megawatts of power in their solar facilities. He tells his lackey to proceed as planned. Boy Editor walks in. He tells Lex that he and Lois are no longer sharing a toothbrush. You were sharing a toothbrush? Gross, dude. "It's over," he tells Lex. Lex tells him it's for his own good. "Are these for my own good?" Boy Editor asks. He throws a handful of surveillance bugs on the desk. He asks if he's Lex's own private reality show. Lex says he's keeping an eye on him so he won't get into trouble. Boy Editor is pissed. He says he's not a rat in one of Lex's labs. Lex agrees. He apologizes for going overboard. Grant says they can't keep this a secret forever. He says he's not afraid of Papa Luthor. Lex says he should be. "No one can know," he says. Lex thinks Papa Luthor would kill him. "He's my father. You're my brother," Boy Editor says. Do WHAAAAT!? The dramatic music of surprise plays. Lex explains, in a badly expository way, that Papa Luthor gave up Grant (er, Julian) for adoption after faking the boy's death because his wife was terminally ill. Lex thinks Papa Luthor won't want that skeleton out of the closet. Boy Editor thinks it was a long time ago. Lex says there's no statute of limitation on leaving your kid out in the cold. Lex thinks he'll be better off as Grant Gabriel. "My name is Julian Luthor," Boy Editor says. Lex says he's not outside this room. All right, this pretty much fucks up a significant portion of Lex's mythology, unless Julian is a clone and doesn't know it, which is very likely. Either way, this is some old bullshit right here.
Fortress. Clark is yelling at Jarnelle. He says that he knows Zor-El was an enemy, but that Kara is his cousin. He thinks there must be some way to track her down. Jarnelle says that if Clark had heeded his warning, this would have never happened. He says Kara's well-being is no longer their concern. Clark asks what happened to helping other people. It blew up a planet, Clark. Jarnelle says that's not his mission. Clark doesn't believe him. Jarnelle says only Zor-El knows where Kara went. Clark says Zor-El is gone. "You have chosen to defy me yet again, Kal-El. And you seem to lack the capacity to learn your lesson." Yeah, pretty much. Big, dumb alien. Jarnelle says that he's sorry, but this defiance won't go without consequence. Everything goes to white, then suddenly to black. That's it.
And as a bonus, here's a special excerpt from Zor-El on Inside the Actor's Studio, in case you missed it:
James Lipton: As you probably know, I always ask my guests to answer the 10 interview questions originated by Bernard Pivot.
Zor-El: He sounds like a wonderful and dramatic Earthling. It is a shame I will have to kill him.
James Lipton: Yes. Let us begin. What is your favorite word?
Zor-El: SCIENCE!
James Lipton: What is your least favorite word?
Zor-El: Jor-El!
James Lipton: What turns you on?
Zor-El: The thought of the universe bowing before me as I rule with a strong, yet fully realized and dramatic idiom. Also, my brother's hot wife.
James Lipton: What turns you off?
Zor-El: Weakness. Overacting. My know-it-all brother.
James Lipton: What sound or noise do you love?
Zor-El: The sound of one hand clapping my brother in the face over and over, saying, "Why are you hitting yourself? Jor-El? Why do you keep hitting yourself?"
James Lipton: What sound or noise do you hate?
Zor-El: A theatre full of booing patrons. Fuck you all!
James Lipton: What is your favorite curse word?
Zor-El: NARDS!
James Lipton: What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?
Zor-El: I think I would have been a very good chef if this scientist and acting thing hadn't worked out. Thank goodness it did, right?
James Lipton: What profession would you not like to attempt?
Zor-El: Theatre critic. Really, where do they get the nerve? I would like to see them all killed, specifically, when I destroy the Earth's people. "So insufferably over the top he may as well be twirling a moustache in an old silent film?" Well, fuck you very much, Ben Brantley!
James Lipton: If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?
Zor-El: SCIENCE!
James Lipton: I have to tell you this has been the strangest episode we've ever filmed.
Zor-El: Ah, James, you old scallywag, the pleasure was all mine.
James Lipton: It absolutely was.
Zor-El: I shall have to be killing you now.
James Lipton: That doesn't sound so bad right now.
week: turkey for everyone! Tofurkey for the vegetarians! See you in December when the show comes back for a one-shot.