Hell Hath No Lana...

S07E07

By Omar G

Clark and Lana are out riding horses when a storm creates a lightning situation that affects Lana when she happens to be holding a meteor rock. She saves Clark from a falling windmill. She is Lana, and she's suddenly super. And bad. She's Superbad. Lana loves her new powers and thinks it's giving her some sort of window into Clark's soul. She and Clark have The Supersex in the barn (now the Barnness of Permanentstainitude), and it literally rocks the whole county. Chloe comes over to see what's up afterward and...awkward! We learn that without Lana's powers, she and Clark weren't able to have regular sex before. Could this relationship be any more doomed?

Meanwhile, one of Lex's scientists/henchmen (is there really a difference at this point?) has discovered that the piece of spaceship that Lex has turned into black liquid in the Kryptonite-infused container where they're storing it. The liquid, the remnant of Professor Fine/Braniac, isn't happy. It's sentient and wants out of the container.

Lana, now flush with Pink Power, breaks into Lex's place and steals a hard drive of information about the so-called Scion Project. (Enjoy your shout-out, Toyota.) She takes the info to The Daily Planet, but Boy Editor is reluctant to use the info. Lois tries to talk to Lana and gets kicked in the face by Lana. While in the hospital, Lois meets cute (but not that cute) with Boy Editor. They flirt in the elevator, mostly over her exposed, hospital-gowned ass. It leads to some real office romance later as they make out in his office while he's deleting the files from Lex's hard drive. Homeboy is working for Lex.

Lana attacks Lex and threatens to expose all his lies to the world. They kiss, strangely, because being bad is so hot. Lana almost kills Lex, but Clark shows up to stop her. They fight. Super Lana Fu is invoked. Clark grabs a loose electrical wire and zaps himself and Lana to free her of her powers. Ridiculously, it works. In the melee, they stupidly break the Kryptonite chamber holding Braniac. Braniac later possesses one of Lex's scientists. He's baaaaack!

Clark, having found out about Lana's Isis organization and her secret Lex-Watching Lair, goes to Lex's house, and they have it out about Lana. Lex knows Lana is still obsessed with him. He thinks it's outweighing her love for Clark. Chloe, who has also learned all about Isis, confronts Lana and basically tells her to watch her back in regards to Clark or she'll lay the investigative smack down. Lana and Clark talk about all that's happened in the barn. She's willing to go to extremes and kill for Clark and wants to know that that's all right. Clark isn't quite willing to say he loves her no matter what. Somehow, we will survive this Lana-centric episode.

The Writers Strike is in full swing. That means we may have a short season. And that probably means a Season Eight. You think they'd kill this Gold Kryptonite Goose? No way, man. It's on until the break o' dawn. And my spine.

Clark and Lana are riding horses through the fields as alt-crap music plays. What they may be saying to each other is unimportant because all you think watching this is Massengill:

Lana: Clark, even with all your superpowers [jumps a fence] do you ever get that...not so super feeling?
Clark: Oh, jeez, all the time. You wouldn't believe the swamp-ass I get in there sometimes.
Lana: Which power are we talking about?
Clark: The power to sweat like a man. I can stink up a five-mile radius.
Lana: I think we should see other people.

Alas, it only ends with Lana and Clark getting off their horses and Lana giddy at the fact that racing them is one of the few things she's better at than Clark. She thanks Clark for a romantic afternoon that included champagne (pronounced, "Cham-pag-nah" by me, just for fun) and truffles. Truffles? Where did Clark get truffles? Oh, wait, I forgot about that new odd shop in the town square: Mr. Truffleupagus. Clark asks if all this romance is overkill. Oh, God, yes, Clark. Champagne and truffles on the same day? You absolute beast! They need to lock you up before you ruin it for all men. Lana says she loved it. Sadly, she associates that kind of kindness with somebody wrecking her car or sleeping with her (non-existent) sister. Lana is all kinds of fucked up in the head, Clark. You should know this. And yet, you don't use that superspeed to run away at a high velocity. For that reason, you are fucked up, too. As they tie their horses to the fence, Clark whines that lately Lana's seemed a little distant. Huh? What was that? Sorry. I was miles away. Lana, still looking away, says remotely, "Guess I've been busy." Busy ignoring your lame ass. Clark continues being a leaky vagina, saying that they finally have a chance to make this relationship work. Lana says she's adjusting to her new life (which is really just her old life with a dash of sneaky thrown in). Clark rubs the horse's nose for good luck and dives into the emotional sinkhole that is being with Lana. He says he knows what this is about. Do you, farmboy? Do you really? As they walk, Clark says that all this business lately with his cousin from Krypton has made their lives crazy and abnormal. Lana says that if she wanted normal, she'd date someone who didn't shoot fire from his eyes. We call it "Eyejaculation," Lana. And it's a bit sexy. Clark and Lana stare at each other, then kiss. Clark lies and says that if everything they've been through was just for that, it was worth it. It's sweet, but really dumb. "Awww" music plays. Lana smiles warmly. There's thunder, which is all the foreshadowing of doom you really need. The horses react. Lana and Clark rush to get them inside. As they go inside a fence, Clark suddenly stumbles against a windmill. It's the old meteor rock sickness. You'd think there wouldn't be any rocks left around the farm by this point. Lana looks down and spots the glowing green rock. She picks it up to toss it in the field instead of disposing it somewhere that Clark might not stumble upon it again. Just then, lightning hits the top of the windmill. We see it flow down and zap both Clark and Lana, sending them flying back. The windmill itself cracks at the base and begins to fall over. Clark, having rolled, looks up to see it falling down toward him. Suddenly, it stops. Clark looks over. Lana is standing there, holding the windmill up with her arms. She raises it higher. Clark stares at his girlfriend. She smiles at Clark like, "Holy shit, dude!" I'm not a fan of Lana, but it's a very endearing look.

By Omar G

Commercials. The Mist. I sure hope this movie doesn't suck because I've been looking forward to it for a while.

We are nestled below the big sad field tree as two blurry shapes whiz by us. Is Clark chasing the dragon? Inside the barn, we see Lana stopping herself from a burst of superspeed, all giddy and pink. Clark, the wuss, tells her she has to be careful. Lana says that she was moving and everything else was frozen. She thinks it's cool. Cool would be if we were all moving and Lana was permanently frozen. "How come you didn't tell me it was like this!?" Lana exclaims. Because Clark has no capacity for sharing or experiencing joy. Clark says it's one of those "Had to be there" kind of things. He tries to explain that it took a long time to adjust to his powers, but Lana takes the opportunity to whoosh up to the stairs. Why would Lana appear to be in fast motion to Clark? Lana, upstairs in the loft, tells Clark to Relax the Back Store -- she's got it under control. Clark, at normal speed, goes upstairs, telling her that these abilities can be dangerous. He says they have to get rid of the powers. Lana, already two steps ahead to "full-on horny," tells Clark that being on a level playing field could have its advantages. She grins at Clark. "Like what?" he asks. Lana looks at him like he's the cutest, most pathetic virgin ever. She steps forward and looks at him sexily. Tango music starts to play. Oh, man. I think we're about to go to a very dark, moist place. Clark circles around, suddenly nervous, saying he doesn't think this is a good idea. Lana pushes him against a barn beam and it breaks. Hey! This is my fucking barn, Lana! Hay falls. Lana, grabbing Clark by the blue jacket, pulls him to her and kisses him. She looks at him hungrily. Clark is superaroused. "There's no harm in trying," she says. This is The CW, after all. Who's gonna see it? Clark finally smiles. Lana takes off her jacket, giving Clark a "Come hither" look. She starts to take off her blouse. Clark can't hold it in. He picks up Lana at superspeed and takes her somewhere. We cut to the giant tree. It is weeping for this show. We hear a rhythmic thumping. Leaves fall. They are totally doing it. Al and Miles are officially 12 years old and giggling just outside of the camera's view. At least they spared us a montage of trains going into tunnels and oil spurting from the top of a derrick.

Back at Kent Farm, the rooster weathervane at the top of the house is off kilter. It's a metaphor for "the cock is finally tired and at half-mast." We go inside to see Clark coming down the stairs, adjusting his blue T-shirt. Lana is in the kitchen wearing only Clark's plaid shirt. Can I call you a cab or something? Do you need bus fare, maybe? What I'm trying to say is: you need to get the fuck out of here now. Lana is cutting something on the counter. Maybe it's Clark's dominance. Clark tells her he should probably go out and fix the barn. Lana stares at him, all squinty. We hear the familiar sound of X-ray vision. Clark notices what she's doing. Lana thinks it's amazing. Clark is a little annoyed that she's getting "Up close and personal" with his vertebrae. Dude, your penis was just up inside her. Lana blah blahs about how she wishes this had happened sooner and that this was always a part of Clark she could never get close to. Putting her hands on both sides of Clark's stomach, she says she could never really know him before. They kiss. Chloe appears, entering through the unlocked screen door. She says she's left tons of messages. "We've...we've been, uh, busy," Clark says, lamely. Chloe asks if they're all right. Lana and Clark exchange a look. Of course they're all right. They got their superfreak on! Chloe tells them that there've been seismic tremors all around town since 2:00. It dawns on Clark and Lana what happened. "That was probably us," Clark says. Chloe takes a minute to figure it out. "Oh," she finally says. She whispers to Lana, "I thought you said you can't." Lana whispers back, "Yeah, we normally can't!" Clark is like, "Whoah, whoah, whoah, what the fuck!?" Chloe and Lana look at Clark guiltily. "What? It's just Chloe," Lana says. The girl who used to date Clark. Sure. Totally cool that you talk about Clark's nether privates with her. Why not take a picture and share that? "Awkward," Chloe finally says. For all of us. Seriously. We really need a Freak of the Week to come bust this party up. Chloe goes to put some lemonade in the fridge and she breaks the handle off the door. Lana offers to go get a screwdriver. Without shoes on, Lana walks past Clark and with the angle we're seeing Chloe, Lana looks positively Lilliputian. Chloe asks Clark for a little "Explain-o." Clark tries to explain what happened and says that the transfer wasn't complete because he still has his powers. He tells Chloe that Lana has powers, too. Chloe reminds him that this sort of thing usually doesn't end well. She says the last human Clark "souped up" became a psycho. She tells Clark that Eric Summers was just a rock collector and he ended up in an asylum. Chloe also brings up the time Bo Duke got Clark's powers and his heart failed. Chloe says that whatever extracurricular (sexy) benefits there are, it doesn't outweigh the harm that could come to Lana. Maybe it totally does and Chloe just doesn't know it.

Lana's upstairs in a bedroom, presumably the one Bo and MamaKent shared. Lana superhears Clark asking Chloe to keep an eye on Lana. Chloe promises not to let her out of her sight. Lana looks a little disgusted. She suddenly picks up a picture by the bed and throws it against the big dresser mirror. It shatters. Lana stares at herself in a shard of glass. She picks up the photo that was in the frame: the one Clark recently found of her winning a blue ribbon for horse riding. Lana feels guilty.

The Talon. The marquee says, "Super Mocha Mondays." Hey, where's Kara all this week? She's not at the farm and she's not working. It's daytime. Inside, Chloe is grabbing coffees for herself and Lana and saying that she really needed this girls' night out. Only it's not night. And there's only two girls. Lana knows that Clark asked Chloe to babysit her. As they sit down, Chloe warns Lana to watch herself. Lana, patronizingly, says she wishes Chloe could know how this feels. She says it's like you can do anything and nothing can hurt you. "Like you're untouchable," she says breathlessly, "I've been given a gift!" Chloe has heard it all before. She gives Lana a glazed look. Lana says she can unlock any door, slip into any room unnoticed and eavesdrop on any conversation. Yeah, those are all sneaky, bad things, Lana. Got anything to help the Forces of Good? Chloe asks if she's joining the KGB. Lana says Chloe is always asking Clark to get articles for her. She thinks Chloe would definitely use these powers if she had them. Chloe says Lana's not a reporter. "I may not be. But I do have a story to tell," Lana tells her. Can we just skip it, maybe? Chloe asks, "What's churning in that head of yours, Lana?" Molasses and corn meal. Lana doesn't answer.

Stately Luthor Manor, nighttime. Lex is having a girls' night in. One of his henchmen is bent over and Lex is in front of him, which is really the wrong way to get this party started. The dude opens an expensive silver briefcase to show one of those cylinders you use at the bank to send stuff in the pneumatic tube. It's full of glowing green tubes. Lex asks what he's looking at. "We don't really know," the well-dressed scientist says. Well, awesome. Go pick up your check at the cashier's window. He tells Lex that the metallic dust somehow liquefied. There's a cranberry-can-shaped black jelly at the bottom of the cylinder. The green tubes are above it. "On its own?" Lex asks. Lex complains that the dust was the last thing he had from the alien technology, all that's left of Milton Fine's ship. He wants to know how dust can turn into liquid. The scientist says that Lex is seeing what he gave him. It's an airtight container and has been guarded. "It's evolving," says Kenneth Branagh Lite. He says the liquid is sentient. Like Kool-Aid Man. "It's alive," he says ominously. We see a close-up of the tube and the black liquid spikes at the top. Scary! The dude gives Lex a funny shaped hard drive. He says it's his report and all the data on Project Scion. Apparently, the kids really like the sporty Toyota Scion and enjoy its Auxiliary input for plugging in an iPod. It's all in the report. Ken Branaugh says the organism exhibits conscious behavior. Almost like Lana. He says that without Kryptonite and low levels of radiation to keep it contained, it would have mobility. We see the black liquid struggling scarily up the side of the container. Spooky shit, man! "It appears to want out," the man says. Just like me. Lex stares. He thinks this is pretty badass.

By Omar G

Kent home. Clark comes home to an empty house. He calls for Lana, but can't find her. Dude, you don't have to yell. She has superhearing. Clark finds a black satchel on the kitchen table. A datebook is sticking out. He pulls it out to read. Lana is so slick, she leaves her secrets out on the kitchen table for Clark to find. Within it, Clark finds a piece of paper. Suddenly, Lex is standing right there. DUDE! My superhearing never works! You should know that! "I wouldn't trust her either," Lex says. Clark glares. Lex tells him to skip the "you're not welcome here" prologue. Thank goodness. Lex says that someone left his vault door on the rug. He says Lana was seen walking out of the mansion. Why was she walking instead of getting out at superspeed? Lana is too stupid for these powers. Lex asks Clark what the hell is going on. Clark says he doesn't know. Lex asks if Clark knows why Lana would steal from him or why she possesses superhuman strength. "She's obviously been infected," Clark says. Clark says Lex should have a better answer than him as to why Lana is breaking in. "You really don't know what Lana's after, do you?" Lex asks. Clark says Lana has reasons not to trust Lex. "Funny," Lex says (but it really isn't), "I was under the impression she'd moved on." Lex says it's hard to cut the cord. He adds that revenge is like an addiction. Clark says, "I'm sure you would see it that way." Oh, shut up, Clark. Clark says he knows Lana better than Lex does. Lex asks if that's why Clark is digging through her things. Lex guesses, correctly, that Clark is the last to know about Lana's Isis Foundation. "Stings, doesn't it?" he asks. (Sniff) A little bit! Clark asks what Isis is supposed to be. Lex says that on the surface, it's a clinic to treat the meteor infected, but beyond that, he doesn't know. Clark, still holier-than-thou, says he wouldn't expect Lex to understand what it's like to want to help people. On a farm. By yourself. Lex asks why Lana didn't tell Clark about Isis, if it's so awesome. Lex says he can see it in Clark's eyes. That and a whole lot more. It's the Gayest Look of the Episode. Lex can see that Clark doesn't trust Lana. Clark flinches. It still stings a bit!

Daily Planet fly-over. Lois is in Boy Editor's enormous, pretty office. He gives Lois a look as she's unwrapping a hot dog. She thinks he's dissing her, but really, it's just the natural male response to a woman eating a hot dog in the room. Lois can't believe Boy Editor has never had a "Famous Frank's" before. You eat a hot dog in front of your boss? Boy Editor rags on hot dogs, saying he can't believe anyone would eat something that could survive a nuclear holocaust. Lois sips on her drink. "Maybe time," he says, handing Lois her story back. It's marked up, but not so badly, in red. The headline: "Youth on the City's Edge: The Street Gangs of Metropolis." "It's just like this frank," Lois says, pointing the wiener menacingly at Boy Editor. She says he doesn't respond to her articles because he's not down with the people. He tells her to watch the attitude; he's still her boss. Lois pretends to quote from several reputable sources. Lois is about to walk out of the room when Lana enters, wearing black leather and looking like an action figure. Lois asks if there was a Joan Jett audition she didn't know about. An audition to be Joan Jett? Who the hell is writing Lois's dialogue? It's terrible! Lana just stares at Boy Editor, who tells her she'll have to make an appointment. Lana, still with the turtleneck, closes the door (so polite!) and says that she could go to the assistant to the editor at The Herald. Lana says she came straight to the top. And not just earlier today at the barn. Heeeeeyyy-O! (Rimshot.) She asks if Boy Editor wants a story or not. He says he's listening. Lana pulls the external hard drive out of the bag that Clark was going through earlier. She says it's proof that the "born-again" Lex Luthor isn't as changed as he claims. Lana says it's a classified project called "Scion." The kids really dig boxy cars. Boy Editor asks if Lex just handed over the hard drive. Lana insists that it doesn't matter where the drive came from. She wants the world to know the real eeeeevil Lex. Boy Editor says he's not going to settle a score for Lana in the pages of the paper. At the very least, it's worth a guest editorial! Or a blurb on the comics page. He says he can't run a story from stolen sources. Lana grabs him by the suit and says he can verify the facts any way he wants. We get a close-up on Lana and boy is there a lot of make-up on that face. "You're printing that story," she tells him. She pushes him against a wall. Lois comes at Lana, saying someone better switch to decaf. Lana roundhouse kicks her right in the face. Lois goes sailing, right through the glass of the door. Now somebody please explain to me how that wouldn't have broken Lois's neck and killed her. Lana looks triumphant. Lois looks unconscious and bloody. "Then I'll take care of Lex myself," Lana says. She walks past Lois, her stiletto heel walking across glass. Nice boots, Lana.

Commercials. Beowolf. The epic tale can finally be told! And not in some pussy poem, either.

Smallville Medical Center, natch. Clark finds Lois and Chloe sitting together in a waiting area. Lois was kicked in the face, but she's holding her shoulder. "Hey!" Clark says. Hey yourself. Your girlfriend is a fucking bitch. Lois jokes that Clark shouldn't forget flowers for Lana on Valentine's Day. Clark can't believe Lana would do this. When did Lois get Politician's Wife hair? Chloe thinks Lana must be juiced on meteor rock, or at least this is her story in front of Lois. She gives Clark a look. Wow, Chloe's hair looks really short this week. She's positively pixie-like. Lois asks herself why she moved to the mutant capital of the world. Chloe asks her to put a moratorium on that word. Clark can't believe Lana would do this over a story about Lex. Lois tells him that Lana's look of vengeance made Medea look like Mother Hubbard. Tyler Perry's Madea? Now that I cannot believe. Clark brings up Lex's safe. Lois mentions Project Scion and promises to hunt for information as soon as she's "Bondo-ed." Who in the fuck talks like this!? I think Lois is the one from another planet. The doctor will see Lois now. Maybe he'll medicate some sense into her. Once she's gone, Clark tells Chloe that Lana would never hurt Lois intentionally. Clark thinks she's getting more aggressive. He thinks they have to find her. Chloe doesn't enjoy that idea.

We cut to...the hospital again? Just kick me when I'm down, show. Lois is running around the hall in a hospital gown. Did they admit her? She was holding her shoulder in the waiting room and now she's staying at the hospital? Lois, holding the back of her gown closed (ah yes, it was just an excuse to get her into a skimpy outfit; it all makes sense now), goes to an elevator. It opens and Boy Editor is there, holding flowers. "Oh, ho ho ho ho!" he says. He saw her bare ass as she backed into the elevator. "Vera Wang? Maybe Dolce?" he asks. Lois is really not thrilled. "Is the Jell-O really that bad?" he asks. I still can't believe Lois is in the hospital but not hooked up to anything. Lois takes the flowers. She says daisies make her sneeze, but she thanks him anyway. Lois says she's escaping. You couldn't have escaped with a pair of pants? What are you, some kind of nudist? Lois jokes that she may have to take him hostage if he narcs on her. He says she's working the fantasy angle. "Shut up," Lois tells him. And not in a cute way, the way it sounds when Betty tells someone that. I'm not sure which is worse. Lois and Boy editor flirting or the recent debacle with Jimmy and Kara. Right now, I'm hating this one more. Lois gets after Boy Editor for not printing Lana's info about Lex. She plans to land the story. He warns her not to clash horns with the Luthors. "Then I guess the claws will have to do," she says. Boy Editor stops the elevator. He says he's serious. He says, weirdly, that he doesn't want to lose his ace reporter. Wasn't she just hired? Lois says she knows what's going on. She doesn't deny there's some sexual tension between them. Oh, gag. She asks what office romance ever works out. The one on The Office? She tells him to keep his wick in his candle or however the saying goes. She says the fantasy stops here. Boy Editor grins at her like a hungry wolf. Lois exits the elevator, which is no longer stalled. She gives him a look as he stares at her ass on the way out. Then she covers it with the flowers as she walks. She's escaping...back to her room? I really do think she's suffering from major head trauma.

By Omar G

Commercials. Nike is still making basketball shoes. That must be a very lucrative business for them.

Streets of Metropolis. Chloe and Clark have broken in to the Isis Foundation, which is easy because the front door isn't even locked. Clark asks how long Lana has been doing this, as if it's a crack house. Chloe says it started a few months ago. "Months!?" Clark asks. As they walk through the offices, Chloe says that Lana was trying to help those victimized by LuthorCorp experiments. She thought Clark would stop her and would think it was too dangerous. He does. They go in to Lana's office. Chloe wonders if Lana wanted to just do things her own way. Clark squints (and maybe silently farts), using X-ray vision on a bookshelf. He sees something there. Clark slides open the shelves and reveals Lana's secret computer lair. It wasn't locked either. Chloe says the other explanation is that Lana is secretly spying on Lex and doesn't want them to know how totally depraved she is. The room glows blue. Clark hopes Chloe didn't know anything about this. She didn't. She calls Lana a "La Femme Nikita" lurking behind their little Florence Nightingale. Wanna throw in a third reference, just for the sake of a hat trick? Clark scopes around slowly. Chloe, looking at the computer screens, says she doesn't see anything about "Scion." But she does find something called "Lex's Mobile." From his crib? Chloe asks if Lana is bugging Lex. She's bugging me. All the time. Am I bugging you? Don't mean to bug ya. Clark asks if Chloe can rewind it. It's an audio track. Chloe does and they hear Lana's auto attack on Lex. We hear the rest of what happened. She's asking Lex where Scion is. "Pier 34," he says.

Pier 34. It's scary and industrial-looking. Lana tosses Lex across the lab. We see a screen flashing Kryptonian symbols. She warns him that if she loses any more patience, he won't be around to see it. Lex, bloodied, looks up at her. He claims he has nothing to hide. He gives her the password, even: . That was the date of the last meteor shower, Lana says. She gets on the computer, suddenly hackerrific. She sees a diagram of a ship on the wall screen. "You're tracking aliens?" she asks. Yeah, that was sort of your thing, as a couple. You don't remember. Lana says Lex told her he'd stopped looking into this stuff. Yeah, then you got divorced. She thinks more people will die if Lex doesn't stop. Lex, really banged up, says there's a reason for everything that's happened including his "Miraculous rescue from the river," the spacecraft, the creatures who landed with the meteors. He says it's not a coincidence. Lana thinks his hunger for power landed him in the middle of it all. Lex thinks there's a reason she came to him and not Clark: she trusted Lex. Lana says that's all over. Lex asks why Lana's stalking him, tracking his every move. "Because the world should know what a liar you are!" she barks. She promises to expose Lex until it kills her. She won't let him hurt anyone else. Lex says he hasn't. He says he's trying to save people. Lex says they started this together and that the creatures from space were only the first. He thinks Project Scion might be their only hope. Lana asks if he's appointing himself prophet of the alien invasion. Pretty much. You still get a crappy car audio system with the job, though. Lex compares himself to Saint Paul, struck by lightning on the way to Damascus before he found his higher calling.

By Omar G

Commercials. Beowolf. The epic tale can finally be told! And not in some pussy poem, either.

Daily Planet at night. Boy Editor is on the phone. "Don't worry, sir. It's been taken care of," he says. Who's he calling "Sir?" Boy Editor tells the person on the phone that he's giving them his word. He hangs up. On his screen, we see the contents of a hard drive being quickly deleted. Why you little shitweasel! Lois stands in the doorway. She asks if he's busy. He says that actually he was and points to his laptop. Lois jokes that online poker doesn't count. He plays it off, saying, "Busted!" Lois says she hit the pavement on the Lex/Lana story, but all she found was a new pizza place. Maybe you shouldn't have been looking for restaurants. She says that without the hard drive, there's not much story there. Boy Editor, annoyingly, wants Lois to say that he was right. Lois, smiling, grudgingly acknowledges that he was in the correct vicinity. Boy Editor says he should be getting back to his royal flush. Is that the executive bathroom? Lois comes around the desk and doesn't notice the external hard drive right in front of her. Instead, she brings up what happened in the elevator. You know, when her ass was all hanging out. Boy Editor stands. Lois braces herself. He kisses her. She pushes him away just a bit. He says he's glad he got that off his chest. And onto Lois's? "Wow," says Lois. She tells him that if news of that got out, she could have his office for sexual harassment. Then, losing any leverage whatsoever, Lois kisses him right back. Oh, you stupid, stupid girl. We pan down to see more files being deleted on the laptop. All done! The Scion Project is safely in Toyota's hands again.

Lair of Lex. He's drinking again. It's a little sad. Clark walks in. Lex asks if Lana is sending Clark in to do her apologies. Clark tells Lex that Lana is back to normal. He wants to know is Lex will be pressing charges. "For breaking in or almost killing me?" he asks. Clark is sure that in Lex's mind, nothing goes without payback. He asks what Lex plans to do. Lex says, "Nothing." Great, that's going to be an awesome rest of the season. Maybe this strike is a good thing. Lex says that, ironically, he's the one who ended up with something he wanted. He says Lana still has feelings for him. Lex says it was the powers that made her obsessed. Correctly, Lex says passion like that doesn't come out of the blue. He asks Clark what's stronger: Lana's hatred for Lex or her love of Clark. Clark, defensively, says eventually Lana will move on from her anger. Lex says that obsession outlives everything. "Even love," he says, taking a drink. Suck on that one, Clark. Clark thinks Lana would have never done anything like this before she was with Lex. Are you trying to say that Lex infected Lana with his evil seed? It's not altogether far-fetched. Lex steps up to Clark and says he's not the first person to have taught Lana about betrayal. Game, set and match! "It's hard to face what you created, isn't it?" Lex asks. Clark is completely destroyed.

Lana's secret computer lair. Lana walks in to see her screens are all full of static. Chloe walks in behind her. Lana says Lex must have cut her off. "It wasn't Lex," Chloe says. Lana thinks she has a right to protect herself after all that Lex has done. Chloe says she'd have liked to know about this operation. Lana apologizes for lying. She says she didn't think Chloe would understand. When has Chloe been too dumb to understand something like this? Chloe says the whole picture is in crystal-clear HD now. Chloe throws down a mythology lesson. She says it made sense that Lana was helping people. Isis is the goddess of love and life and healing. She marched to the ends of the earth to help "Jump-start" the man she loved. Chloe says she wants Clark to have that kind of loyalty in life, but she's not sure it should be from Lana. Lana says she'd do anything for Clark. "Even kill," Chloe says, with a scoff. "Lucky guy." Lana looks away. Chloe says that Isis is also the goddess of the underworld and was responsible for bringing down the god Ra to his knees. Lana asks if Chloe thinks she'd do that to Clark. "Not intentionally," Chloe says. But she thinks Lana's capable of it now. Chloe promises she'd not going to let that happen. She walks away, leaving Lana to stew in her own pink juices.

The lab. Lex is asking his scientist if they can trace where the black goo went. The scientist doesn't have a clue. Lex says that unless they want a front-row seat to the apocalypse, they should probably find it. Lex hands over the broken canister. The scientist's lovely lady friend pulls by a rolling cart. She picks up a container and we see the black goo on the table. It goes spiky and moves to her hand. She doesn't move her hand away even though she seems to see it. Her eyes go black. Freaky!

The Barnness of Lanatude. Lana is standing in the loft, near the big window. Clark tells her he went to see Lex. He says Lex won't be pressing charges. He says that because of Lana, now they know Lex is still tracking Kryptonians. She says it's one good thing that came out of the mess she made. Kicking Lois wasn't bad, either. Soft music plays. Lana wishes Clark wouldn't look at her like he hasn't seen her before. Clark says he's trying to find part of her he recognizes. Lana blames it on the powers. Clark says that even before that, she kidnapped Papa Luthor. Lana doesn't deny it. She says he threatened to kill Clark. She was trying to save his life. Clark asks if that justifies everything. Lana says she'll go to extremes to protect the people she loves. "You sound like Lex," Clark says. "I sound like you," Lana says. She asks if Clark hasn't crossed a moral line before to save someone. Like every week! Clark says the last few weeks have been so great, he didn't want to look below Lana's surface. Lana apologizes for not telling Clark about Isis. Clark takes the blame for not trusting Lana years ago. Now Lana can't trust him. Lana asks if they can find their way back from this. "Will we?" Clark asks. Clark says he can accept Lana changing, he just needs to take responsibility for having caused it. Lana tells him not to do that. Lana doesn't want him to take all the blame so it doesn't taint the image Clark created of her. Lana says she has to live with the decisions she's made. She just needs to know Clark loves her. Clark just stares. "No matter what," she says. Clark doesn't say it. We go to black with sad vocals.

By Omar G

Lana grabs Lex and says she wants the world to know Lex the way she does. Carnally? She grabs a thick electrical cord and breaks it off, holding it toward Lex. She thinks saving the world isn't in Lex's nature. She asks what he's really up to. Lana rips open Lex's shirt and threatens him with the electricity. "No, wait!" he says. "Killing me would almost be a release." Oh, dude, again with this shit? Just shut up about that. It's not interesting. Lex thinks Lana would just be hurting herself by killing him. She doesn't think she'll feel too guilty. Lex says Clark won't ever look at her the same again. He says Clark's not like them. He thinks Lana also understands doing anything it takes to survive. Lex kisses her. She doesn't really resist. In fact, she drops the electrical cord and puts her hand on Lex's chest. She gets tired of that, though, because she's choking him. Lex says Lana can't kill him; she'd lose Clark forever. Lana tosses him by the neck. Lex falls. "Lana!" Clark says, suddenly appearing. He whooshes to her and says she has to stop. Lana says she can't. She wants to finish Clark's unfinished business. Clark says he'll do that. "No you won't! You're too afraid to get blood on your hands," she says. Clark says that's not their decision to make. Lana asks how many people would still be alive if Clark had had the guts to get rid of Lex a long time ago. In a weird post-production-added voice, Clark says he's taking Lex out of here. A slow-motion fight breaks out. Lana tries to spin-kick Clark. Clark dodges. She does another Chun Li move, flip-kicking Clark across the room. Clark hits an electrical panel. The canister falls out of its dry ice box and rolls across the floor. Lana sees it rolling toward her. The Kryptonite makes her fall and struggle. "You can do anything!" she tells Clark. "And all you've done is hide out on some farm!" True dat. Clark says he's protected the people he cares about. Or he's tried to. Lana struggles some more. Clark tries to grab the canister and breaks it instead. Smooth one, Clark. He grabs the Kryptonite part, which looks like a green compact fluorescent bulb, grabs the loose electrical cord and shocks the shit out of himself and Lana. How do you know it won't kill her? The Kryptonite is gone. Clark gets to his feet and picks up Lana. He holds her on the floor. We pan down to the black goo. It moves on its own across the floor, like the moldy meal from Better Off Dead.

By Omar G

Commercials. If you're my airline pilot, I don't want to know that you're sitting in the captain's chair, playing with your iPhone.

By Omar G

week: Clark's mom, all cloned up.