Episode Report Card Omar G: D+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Follow Me. Zor-Else!
By Omar G | Season 7 | Episode 8 | Aired on 11.14.2007
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.Brace yourselves, good friends. This episode is full of decay and ruin. Clark, bummed out about his dead birth mom, starts hearing her disembodied voice. She wants him to use the crystal to free her. Clark, thinking, "When has doing something dumb ever had consequences for me?" does just that, freeing the animated DNA of his mother after being transported to the Fortress of Contrivitude by the crystal. Mom is super-nice and all, but this was a bad move. Clark's action also freed the still-overacting Zor-El, and he's not gonna just join SAG and be chill about the whole thing. Zor-El convinces Kara that he's changed and she trusts him. Zor-El goes to Jor-El's emissary, Papa Luthor, and kicks his ass around while trying to get to Clark. Papa acts bravely, but he still ends up in the hospital. Zor-El tries to get Lara and Clark to go along with his "Let's all be a happy family and kill all the Earthlings...with my SCIENCE!" plan, but they're not having it. Lara gives Clark a blue ring that belonged to Jor-El, but the blue Kryptonite strips Clark of his powers, making him a humble putz of a farmboy. He doesn't take the opportunity to have more sex with Lana. Lana does have a conversation with Lara, who can sense the evil in her and tells her to fight it off and be good. Good luck with that, Lana. Zor-El uses some Fortress crystals to try to destroy the Earth with some silly eclipse, but Clark stops him with good old green meteor rock. Clark destroys the blue crystal, which makes Zor-El and Lara disappear. It also makes Kara go away, but she reappears on the streets of Detroit with amnesia. All together now: "Huh!?" Clark gets all bummed out about losing everybody all at once. Lana is like, "But you still have evil me!" and Clark has even more reason to be depressed. He also seems to have forgotten that he has a really great mom in Washington. Clark goes to the Fortress to talk to Jor-El, who is pissed that Clark defied him yet again. Jor-El says there are consequences, and the episode ends with some light flashing on Clark. That's gonna be one hell of a spanking.
In other storylines, Lois and Boy Editor are still hot and heavy. Chloe catches them in the act of making out in Boy Editor's office, and she gets really pissed at Lois, telling her that she's going to have to break if off if she wants to be taken seriously as a reporter. Lois, comforted by the idea that Boy Editor hired her for her skills, not for her ta-tas, tries to break up with him, but they end up kissing some more. Complicating matters: Lex and Boy Editor are totally in cahoots. Over a game of pool, Lex reveals that he knows about the relationship with Lois and tells him to break it off because it's too risky. Things taken an even stupider turn when we find out that Boy Editor is actually Lex's dead brother, Julian. Now, here's the thing: if Lex had cloned him from his dead brother's DNA, cool. That's interesting. But instead, we get a badly written, weak-sauce explanation that Julian never died: it was all a Papa Luthor ruse and Julian's been alive this whole time, given up for adoption in secret. Lex has helped him get to where he is, career wise, and wants to keep his identity a secret. Which makes absolutely no sense and really screws up the show's continuity. And isn't Boy Editor way too old to be Julian? Dammit, show. Just when I thought we were going to be friends again. Grrr! Want more? The full recap starts right below!
The exterior of the Kent home at night. There's a breeze. Chimes. A window. We peek in and see Clark, sitting on the couch, doing the forward lean of inner torment. The fireplace is lit as Clark stares at the old Polaroid of his birth mother, Lara. He leaves it on the coffee table, with a large wooden duck to stand guard. The front door opens. Kara, wearing tiny shorts and a sleeveless shirt (good thing we've got that fireplace roaring), comes in carrying a big surfboard, which looks like it's never been used. She tells Clark that Coast City could not have been more awesome. She expresses delight that Jimmy Olsen can shred the waves with the best of them. Cowabunga, dude. "Where's Lana?" she asks. Clark says she's in Metropolis visiting her Aunt Nell. Is that like when Aunt Flow comes and stays for a few days and the cows get all scared?
Kara finally notices that Clark is bummed out. She asks if he's all right. Clark asks if she ever thinks about her parents and how it's like they're practically calling out to you. Not anymore, dude. They're kinda dead. Kara says she's always thinking about them. She says her mother and father will always be with her. That's why we've never heard anything about Kara's mom before? She brings up Lara, as well. Clark says he knows stuff about Jarnelle, but that his mother's always been a mystery. Kara, backing away from Clark's emotional luggage toward the stairs, promises to tell Clark everything he'd want to know about "the amazing Lara-El" in the morning. I'm guessing she'll conveniently have an early shift at The Talon instead. She tells Clark to get some sleep. Supersleep. Dynamic 40 Winking. The Uber-Snooze.
Clark begins to hear literal whispering in the wind. He goes to the window to see where it's coming from. It's the barn. There's some incredibly intelligent hay in there. Clark goes to investigate. In the barn, Clark hears the voice of Lara. He sees a blue glow coming from the little floor hiding space where he's been hiding the blue crystal. He opens the trap door, and the camera spins toward the Blue Dildo of Maternal Memory. Clark grabs the crystal with his giant karate grip. "You must come to the fortress," Lara says clearly. "I need you, my son. Save me." Somebody! Write me a theme song about it, too!
The crystal begins to glow white-hot. Everything goes to a flash, and Clark is at the Fortress. Jarnelle is like, "I was...uh...just reading a magazine! What are you doing here? Wait, don't move. Let me put my pants back on." While he's got Clark's attention, Jarnelle tells him that the crystal was made by Zor-El (using SCIENCE!). Jarnelle pronounced it, "Zoral." Like Moral Orel. He says the dildo has no place in this Fortress. It's dirty. "My mother needs my help!" Clark screams. My son, you don't have to yell. The Fortress has surround sound. Jarnelle says that it's a little late to help Clark's mother. She's kinda dead, along with the rest of Krypton. But we can try to patch her in on a three-way call. Hold on a sec...do I hit "flash" and then the pound sign? Let me go fetch the phone service instructions. Or better yet, let me call you back in a few hours.