We see a flashback to Krypton, which looks a lot like an Iron Maiden album cover. Kara remembers being sent to Earth by her father, the splendoriffic Zor-El (Actor!). While dreaming of better, more apocalyptic times, a floating Kara is nearly clipped by a passing jet in the Washington, DC sky. She's trying to track down her crystal, and does it by seducing the dorkiest scientist to ever grace The CW. They don't go all the way (well, she doesn't, anyway), but Kara does learn the location of the secret lab where they're doing experiments on her giant blue dildo-like crystal. Unfortunately, Agent Carter from the Department of Domestic Unnecessary Eyeliner captures Kara with a Kryptonite brace of his own invention. He ties her up like all evil men would like to and makes her remember Krypton. She remembers Clark's mother, Lara, who looks an awful lot like Helen Slater. Back before Krypton a'sploded, Lara took Kara on some sort of crazy physical mind trip to the Kent Farm to see where Clark would one day grow up. Kara even took a Polaroid picture of Lara to leave behind. The spectral flights from Krypton to Kansas must be cheap, because soon Zor-El is there, bitching out Kara and professing his evil, undying, actorly love for Lara. He even took some of her DNA, he loves her so much. Lara, pregnant with Clark, pushes him away, and Kara discovers that her dad is fairly scummy. But, boy can he act! Clark finds Kara and rescues her from Agent Carter, but also absorbs some of those memories. He and Kara make up and agree to be Best Super Cousins Ever! Meanwhile, Kara and Jimmy are pretty much dating, much to Chloe's disappointment. Lana opens up a weird free clinic for the Krypto-afflicted, and Chloe finds out about it. Sneaky Lana tries to convince Chloe that it's just a little project she's doing, no big deal, but Chloe thinks she's lying. Clark goes to see Papa Luthor and gives him a hug (weird). He lies to Papa Luthor about Kara's origins, however. Papa has pretty much figured it out, though, and he confronts Lex about his myriad obsessions with the people in Clark's life. It's not pretty. And lastly, Clark confesses to Lana that he's already found the crystal, which, it turns out, houses his mother's DNA. So...awesome. Are you gonna clone her, now? Just learn how to do your own laundry, man. It's not worth the ethical implications!
We open on Krypton. Damn, this planet sucks! There are at least two suns in the sky (hello, SPF 5000) and missiles flying across the sky. We see a sunset on the horizon and a fortress of some sort where the design aesthetic was "Mid-Century Porcupine." It's the kind of thing some teenager weaned on Iron Maiden and Judas Priest might paint. With an airbrush. At the mall for a T-shirt. I think when your planet starts to look like this, you're better off just letting it explode. Inside the orange-tinged Fortress of Crapitude, what looks like a wizard in dark robes is leading a young lady by the hand as shit falls apart around them. It's Young Gay Dumbledore! Oh, wait, it's Kara wearing white robes, asking her father, in the dark robes, not to send her away. Zor-El (¡Olé!) tells her this is the only way. She'll be safer on Earth, since this planet is going to Hell in a crystal-spiked handbasket. Kara bitches that it takes three years to get to Earth. And no frequent-flyer miles, even.
Zor-El passes what looks like a doorway leading to a vast ocean. He says that the council has destroyed all the portals so that General Zod and his soldiers wouldn't escape. Kara asks what'll happen if she never sees her dad again. We hear an explosion and Zor-El waggles his body backward to emphasize the seismic shockwave. Kara does not. Big chunks of boulders fall. In a crystal structure. Nice one, Smallville. Zor-El, somehow in possession of ham on a planet with no pigs, says, "You must trust my wisdom!" My wisdom is fuckin' interstellar! Use it. Kara says everything and everyone she loves is here on Krypton. Zor-El presents her with a giant blue crystal dildo. He had been saving it for her wedding night, but that's all ruined now. He says this crystal is Kara's way back to them. As long as she has it, the world she knows and loves will always be safe. It glows a little as he hands it to her. She asks why Zor-El can't come with her. If you shake it, there's snowflakes. He says he has to stay here to protect Kandor. Speaking of candor, this really sucks. By the way, nice job protecting Kandor, Zor-El. Real bang-up job you did. Remind me never to leave you in charge of protecting anything. Unless I want it to blow up. Heck of a job there, Zor-y. Zor-El, speeding up his speech, says the crystal will tell her what to do when she rescues her cousin Kal-El. "I don't want to go!" Kara says. Zor-El puts his hand on her face and says that a true Kryptonian embraces his destiny no matter what. I think we have yet to see a Kryptonian on this show if that's the case. Kara winces. Her dad smiles. It's a little creepy, what with all the destruction and whatnot. Kara says she loves him. They hug. More explosions. He tells her to go now. "Go!" She walks really, really slowly. She turns one last time. Zor-El tells her he loves her. Have fun on Earth! Go see some Broadway shows! Visit Amsterdam! Don't sign up for those time-share deals; they're totally not worth it!
We cut to Kara's eyes, looking sad. The camera pulls back quickly to reveal that she's floating above a major city. A giant commercial airplane is heading right for her. Her superhearing doesn't notice until it's right on her. She sails up, and the airplane flies under her, barely missing. Kara flies toward us and then up over us. We see the nation's Capitol building in the background. Kara was an unidentified moping object.
Opening credits. Commercials. Life Is Wild. In my pants.
The Daily Planet. We see a computer screen showing a Web site for something called ISIS. It's white on pink with the words, "Together we will build our future." Wow, generic. A text window says, "Support for the meteor infected." There's a picture of an ugly green meteor rock. Chloe is looking at the screen and writing down notes. We hear a whoosh. Chloe's papers flap on the desk. Clark asks about the web site. He asks if this was what was so important. Chloe, already getting up, tells him that the site should be the least of his worries. She tells him that the night before, the FAA halted flights over Washington because of a near-miss with a red-and-blue blur in the sky. Chloe says they think it was a ground-to-air missile (a festive one), but Clark and Chloe both assume it was Kara. Do missiles have giant boobs? Oh, wait, I forgot -- in the 50s, the government did develop the K-541 Twin Bazongas Missile. My dad used to have one of their calendars. Clark blames himself for this Kara situation. Chloe reminds Clark that he's Kara's cousin, not her father. Oh, who knows what weird breeding those Kryptonians are into. Maybe she's his grandniece or something. Clark regrets pushing Kara away and thinks she must be hurt and angry. He wants to bring her back. Chloe sounds annoyed that Kara doesn't fly under the radar and may blow Clark's secret.
Jimmy, spotting Clark, comes over to ask about Kara and whether Clark's heard from her. Hi, I'm Chloe, and I'm standing right fucking here. Chloe shoots Clark a look. Clark doesn't answer. Jimmy says they look worried. He asks what's up. Clark and Chloe weirdly walk away from Jimmy while talking to him. Clark says that Kara decided to go to Washington, D.C. and not tell anyone. Jimmy, trying to lighten things up, says maybe she just wanted to tour the city and that he's sure their postcards are in the mail. Dude. Just stop. Chloe thinks Jimmy knows something. Probably just one thing, total. Clark, sounding a little threatening, says Kara is his family and that Jimmy needs to tell him if he knows anything. Jimmy sighs. He tells them about the interest Kara had in Lois's spaceship video. Jimmy reveals that the evidence pointed to the government. Chloe is annoyed that Jimmy didn't tell them this earlier. Jimmy insists that Kara made him promise to keep it a secret. "She trusted me," Jimmy explains. Jimmy ignores Chloe's hurt look and apologizes to "C.K.," saying he had no idea she'd follow that lead all the way to Washington. Clark thanks Jimmy and pulls Chloe aside all of two feet to tell her that the government might have her crystal. Hi, I'm Jimmy, and I'm standing two feet away. I can hear you just fine! In fact, let me turn on this voice recorder. Clark tells Chloe that Kara will do anything to get that crystal back. Anything? Oh, Al and Miles. You dirty, dirty men.
LuthorCorp. Papa Luthor stands behind the desk, looking out through the window at the daytime skyline. He is master of all he surveys, at least in my book. Clark enters through the automatic doors. "Lionel," he says, "welcome back." "Clark. Ohhhh," Papa Luthor says, coming around the desk. He puts his arms out, and they give each other the strangest hug you've ever seen. Both their upper bodies lean forward, but their feet are a wide stance apart. There's some hearty patting. I admit it, I'm a little freaked out by the whole thing. Clark says he's glad Papa Luthor is OK. "Yeeeesss," Papa Luthor purrs. He's just fine after that hug. Papa Luthor says that in the darkest hour, the soul is replenished and given strength to continue and endure. Clark has no idea what that means, but it sure sounds purty. Papa says that Luthors are survivors. Just like that song. By Survivor. Or maybe it was Destiny's Child. Or Gloria Gaynor. Somewhere in one of those songs, the Luthor story is being told to music. Papa says he heard there's a new member of the Kent family who's shown up. Clark says it's his cousin, Kara. Papa pretends to think about it for a moment and asks if Clark's ever mentioned her before. He asks which side of the family she's from. "My father's side," Clark says. "Which father?" Papa asks. Clark takes a moment, then says, as if it should be obvious, "My adoptive father." Papa Luthor looks genuinely disappointed by the lie.
Clark says the reason he's here is that he discovered an underground government lab in Granville. He asks if Papa Luthor knows anything about it. Papa asks what he was doing there. Clark says he was researching a story for a friend. Papa says the lab belongs to the Department of Domestic Security. Clark squints. Papa says for Clark to tell "her" that it's not a front-page story. Clark says he thought that department only dealt with terrorism. Papa says they deal with other things; he mentions that Washington has had its eye on the stars for years. He says there's a program called "Starhawk" and that they came to Smallville right after the second meteor shower. Papa says he's done all he could to divert attention away from Clark. He pours himself a drink. That hug really heightened the need for liquid refreshment. Clark asks why Papa didn't say anything about this before. Papa says that Clark's life is complicated enough. What with the gay and all. He says the government found no conclusive evidence of an alien threat. He asks if Clark thinks they found something at that lab that could have changed their minds. Clark does the Blue Steel Stare. He steps forward. "Tell me everything you know about Starhawk," he says. Well, sit for a spell and pull up a drink, and I'll tell you the old tale of Starhawk, sonny. It begins on a cloudy night when -- oh, never mind, we go to another scene.
The Blue Dildo of Kryptonian Destiny And Stuff is spinning and shimmering. Agent Carter is staring at it hungrily. If only he didn't work for the government, he could take this dildo to Europe and be married to it, legally. Damn you, government! I love you and must obey you at the same time even if it destroys my soul! Stupid laws. Poor Agent Carter. Two scientists in white coats are trying to look busy. We pull back and see that the crystal is held up by two larger, thicker black pointed objects (uh...could you stop now, show? I think we get the power of phallic imagery by this point) coming at it from either side. If one of those scientists starts trying to instigate an artificial, three-pronged space bukkake, I'm out of here. All right, fine, I'm not. But I'll make some very stern comments about it.
Carter asks his scientists for the object's composition. "Beryllium," says the nerdier, more Napoleon Dynamite of the two. There's also aluminum silicate with fluorine. There's also an unidentified creamy substance inside. It may be Twinkie-based. And...dear Lord...it's alive! Ominously, Nerd Overload says it's made up of seven percent of an unknown substance. Milky. White. Wangish. Without taking his gaze off the crystal, Carter says, "Lock it down." He asks for a full report. Wow, tone down that eyeliner, Carter. This isn't the musical Cats, dude. The crystal goes from purple to baby blue. Is that really locking it down? Someone on an intercom says that a Luthor is in the building. A door slides open, and Lex enters the room. Everyone, look busy! Our funding's in danger! No more Lobster Buffet Thursdays!
Lex says it's quite the little brain trust they have there. Ha. Little brains. Carter, sniveling with evil and expensive make-up, says this is a restricted facility. Ladies Only. Lex accuses him of stealing something from that spacecraft. The crystal has been hidden away from Lex's view. Carter says their work is classified. And totally hot. Lex says the term "classified" has never prevented him from getting what he wants. Carter teases Lex for having an "angelic blonde saint" watching over him. Lex didn't like that. Lex says that in the halls of power, Carter doesn't amount to much. But in the Halls of Medicine, he is a God! A God, I tell you! Ha ha ha ha! (Cough, cough.) Mint and honey drops for everyone! He's mad with soothing power! Lex says it's only a matter of time before he finds out what Carter is hiding. All right, the jig's up. He's hiding a multimillion dollar endorsement deal with MAC cosmetics. Nerd Overload is like, "Gaw!" Psst...Lex...the crystal...it's like two feet away. Don't you have Dildo Sense? Can't you feel it, calling?
Lex leaves. Jeez, I thought he'd never go. Now we can continue our awesome slumber party. Who brought the Hannah Montana DVD? Agent Carter glowers. A panel slides, and the dildo reemerges. Now we can have some real fun! He gazes upon its penetrating power. It's the Gayest Look of the Episode.
Commercials. Kids who don't wash their hands are filthy, dirty, disease-spreading beasts. It's a wonder they haven't killed us all off.
Some ritzy Washington, D.C. nightclub. It's noisy and there's loud music. People are dressed in Capitol Hill attire. Except for Kara, who walks in wearing a bright red boob-flashing dress. It might as well have a sign on it that reads, "Do with this intern what you will." A bright light shines on her as she uses her superhearing to pick up on some conversations. In one of them, Napoleon Dynamite, the Nerd Overload guy, says that he'd rather be out in the field chasing UFOs than stuck in a lab with big dildos and weird agents. He's talking to his friend at a table. Kara comes over and pulls on his necktie just as he's saying he's been working so hard he hasn't been able to get a date. I don't think it's just the work getting in the way, dude. "Nice choker," Kara tells him. He looks at her rack and can say nothing. She pulls him away from the table by his tie. She asks if he works for Domestic Security. He asks if it's that obvious. Dude looks like he works for Taco Bell, not the government. Kara interrupts his beer-drinking to tell him that the thought of a government agent keeping her safe is sexy. She has "I Love Rumsfeld" stitched into some of her panties.
Kara asks if the guy is just a pencil-pusher from the lab across the street. He says he heads up a team of lab technicians outside the city. He lies that they go out into the field a lot. She gives him a flirty look and says she was hoping he was more hands-on. He chuckles. She asks if they've ever investigated anything extraterrestrial. You know, from galaxies far, far away. Embarrassed, he says he really can't be talking about what he does. Our government trusts this guy? Can't say I'm surprised. Kara says that life on other planets is hot. Especially on Mercury. She pretends to walk away, disappointed that he doesn't work with aliens. Nerd Overload tells her to wait. Kara's totally got him by the tiny, tiny balls. We cut to some sort of storage area of the club. Kara throws Nerd Overload against a set of shelves and asks where they found the ship. Turned on, he says they found it somewhere in Kansas. Didn't they give this guy "Beware Of Sexy Spies" training? Kara says this is a total turn-on. It's a shame she's such an advanced form of alien that the only way she can get information out of people is to act like a slut. Nerd Overload tries to get Kara to leave with him. She stops him, asking if they've ever found anything in one of those ships. He wants to take her to his apartment. Hopefully, his parents won't be home. Kara calls him "secret agent man" and asks again what they found. She says if he tells her what he knows, "I'll go wherever you want." I want to go to the Skywalker Ranch! Nerd Overload says it's just some weird crystal they found, and that they're studying it at the lab. He leans to kiss her. She pulls away and asks if he really thinks she can wait until they get to his place. He goes to a table, presumably one he'd like to use for fucking, and says he can make it more comfortable. For him. We hear a whoosh, and Kara is gone. Now Nerd Overload has a pair of blue balls to go with the blue crystal. He's sad. He sighs. Story of his life.
We see Kara walking in at the lab. She's got Nerd Overload's ID badge. There are no guards or security cameras to notice her? They really need to get a bigger fund allocation year. Inside the lab, Kara goes straight for the crystal's chamber and smashes the glass that was previously hiding it. An alarm goes off. But there's no crystal inside. Oops. Kara is frustrated. All that tarting it up for nothing.
We're now in the office of ISIS. The logo on the wall has what looks like a giant cursive red "L" going over the word. You know that tingle you get in the pit of your stomach when something really evil is about to happen? Yeah, I've got that right now. All the way down to my asshole. This is...this is going to be bad, I think. Hold my hand. A woman sits at a desk messing with her laptop. Chloe comes in, still wearing her work clothes. There's a guy sitting on the couch looking anguished and a girl nearby reading something. It's "Shame" magazine. This month's cover story: "The Numbers Are In: You Do Masturbate More Than Anyone Else." Chloe goes to the receptionist's desk where a woman in a pink sweater vest (dear GOD!) asks if she can help her. Chloe is about to say something, but is interrupted by someone saying "Chloe!" It's Lana, standing there wearing black. GAAAHH! Scared me!
Lana, not at all upset, asks what Chloe is doing here. Chloe is open-mouthed. She says she stumbled across the web site for meteor victims. Chloe says she was there to get an interview, which may or may not be true. Maybe she was going there for support. She asks if Lana works there. "You could say that," Lana tells her. She and the receptionist share a creepy smile that gives me what some call "douche chills." Lana leads Chloe into another room and says that she sort of is the foundation. They pass a big stack of pink filing cabinets. We're in hell! Chloe asks when Lana became such an activist. Lana blah blahs about evil Lex and how he hurt so many people and their families and friends. She says she's using her divorce settlement to fight back. She opens a door to a large office with pink chairs, pink flowers and pink folders on a table. I curse you, Smallville! I curse you with my evil pink eye! Chloe says this is a major operation. No, not really. It's just Lana and some offices, according to Lana herself. Lana says she wants to open a free clinic, start support groups, and set up a crisis hotline. Chloe says she's so proud of Lana. Please, compliment her. Where else would she get any self-esteem if not from lines like that? Chloe asks why Lana didn't tell her earlier. Lana says she wanted to wait until she'd made this real. Chloe says it's on the web and that it's already out there. Lana says grassroots is all she wants now. She asks Chloe not to tell Clark about this. It says a lot about Lana's opinion of Clark that she doesn't believe he'd ever come across this online himself. Chloe says she thought Lana and Clark were all about full disclosure. Lana says that Clark will want to protect her and will say the work is too dangerous. Chloe thinks that's a little weird. Chloe says she knows when people are bending the truth and that she's sensing a right angle somewhere in here. Lana patronizingly says, "That right angle is your imagination." She asks Chloe again not to tell Clark anything. Chloe says the conversation is off the record. My eyes! The scene still burns! I think I also need a stomach transplant.
Back at the Washington D.C. club. Kara has the nerve to go back up to Nerd Overload, who's sitting alone at his table. "Hey!" she says, rudely. He asks her to give back his wallet. How was he paying for drinks? She asks for the location of the crystal. Before he can answer, she pushes him against a wall. "Who are you?" he asks. She says the crystal wasn't in the lab. "Where is it?" she demands. He says it's there and that they never move it. "Let him go, Kara," a strong voice says. It's Clark. He's definitely not dressed for this city. He tells her to give the guy his wallet back. She gives the dude a dirty look. She hands him the wallet. Clark leads her out. Man, crazy alien women just aren't worth it, dude.
Down a hall, Clark says he's been looking for Kara. She asks if he's going to give her a stern talking-to. Clark asks about the crystal. She says that's her business. Clark is mad that she almost took out an airplane and killed a bunch of people. She rolls her eyes. She says her mind wandered. Clark thinks she's going to get hurt or found out. Clark says he does care about her. Kara says that family believes in one another. Unless they're all imaginary. She thinks Clark betrayed her. Kara is mad that Clark believes Martian Manhunter over her. She says her dad wasn't a traitor and didn't kill anybody. She wants to prove that to Clark. She also wants the crystal because it's all she has left from home. Clark says he cares about that. Kara tells him that he acts like a hero, but he only ever thinks about himself. Ouch! Slam! Clark snaps that she took off and didn't tell anyone where she went. She asks if Clark needed her itinerary. She says that the fact that they're cousins doesn't mean they have to like each other. "Stay out of my life," she tells Clark. She liked him better when he was a baby. As she walks away, Clark grabs her arm. Clark isn't going to let her leave. She pushes Clark, sending him flying through an emergency exit, bending the steel doors. She whooshes away, flying up through the ceiling and out into the night sky. Sucks for non-flying Clark.
Commercials. A promo says there's going to be an exciting major twist in the Smallville saga tonight, but I'm here to tell you: that does not happen. Sorry for the spoiler.
Daily Planet at night. That globe on top of the building just keeps on (virtually) spinning. Jimmy, wearing his big camera around his neck on a strap, enters his photo dungeon. He sees Kara sitting in his chair. "Kara!" he says. The camera lens extends by itself. He asks when she got back. Kara says she just flew in. Don't even laugh. Don't even smile. Jimmy says that Clark was looking for her and was really worried. He suggests she dive into "the digital age" and use her cell phone. Kara says not to worry about Clark. She hopes Jimmy doesn't mind that she's using his computer to check something against the paper's database. This place has worse security than Lex's house. Don't they have security cameras? I'm just gonna say this once (and maybe repeat it in the future): The Daily Planet is not a city park! Jimmy says she can rev her search engine here anytime. Remarkably, it doesn't sound dirty coming from him. Jimmy jokes that it's all right unless she's hacking into a national security network. Which is exactly what she'd doing. Text starts to scroll down the screen. Jimmy freaks out, saying this is top secret (how would he know?) and that they could trace his IP address and arrest him. Kara says she used a "Torpark filter" (is that like a Tampax?) and re-routed through half a dozen servers. That's only six, Kara. Jimmy is impressed. He says she's a mysterious girl. Kara is trying to figure out who could have gotten into the lab and stolen something from there. There's a list of names and companies. One of them is "LX Dynamics." Kara asks if Jimmy's ever heard of it. He says they're a LuthorCorp contractor. "As in Lex Luthor?' she asks. Jimmy tells Kara to scoot over and he'll pull up their file. Kara scoots over and then whooshes the hell out of there. "Kara?" Jimmy asks. He's alone. Welcome to the Blue Balls Club, Jimmy. It's a membership of one.
Metropolis. The Isis Foundation. It turns out that that nifty bank of computers and monitors that Lana used a while back is housed here. She goes into her digital lair and watches Lex's place. Suddenly, the monitors go to static. Because for some reason, she hooked it up through her basic cable. Lana goes to the computer to see what's up. And that's it for this scene. Oh, what a pity. This Lana stuff was so fascinating.
Stately Luthor Manor, nighttime. Kara, still wearing her red dress from D.C. (do you sleep in that, too?) whooshes into the Lair of Lex. She glances around the room. She does her X-ray vision on his shelves and spots something inside. But as she approaches it, she doubles over and begins to grunt. Agent Carter is there. He's got a set of Kryptonite-jeweled hand clamps. He uses them to clamp Kara's arms behind her. He thinks she and Lex are working together. He says he's been waiting for a chance to use these restraints on her. Kinky! Carter figured that if the meteor rock disabled the ship, it might do the same to its passenger. Nice conclusion there, Agent Eyeliner. "Tell your boss I only want what's mine," Kara struggles to say. Carter says that his boss is the United States of America. "We have some questions for you," he tells her. All of us. The entire U.S. It's gonna take a while. Carter gets her to her feet. "What the hell are you doing?" Lex asks, walking into the room. Carter pulls a gun on Lex and tells him to get back because this is a matter of national security. Lex wants official authorization. Lex says Carter is being recorded. Carter counters: "I disabled the feed." Lex says his guards will be here in seconds. Carter disabled them, too. It turns out it was just a Robby the Robot and he took out the batteries. Kara struggles. Lex asks what Carter did to her. Carter thinks Lex stole the crystal. Lex says he doesn't know anything about it. Carter says that Kara broke in the same day Lex showed up at the lab. Carter thinks Lex has the crystal hidden, but he doesn't think it matters anymore. He says Kara is the real prize. Lex tries to rush Carter, but Carter shoots him. It doesn't sound like gunfire, so maybe it was just a tranquilizer. Kara cringes. Carter tells Kara that Lex is so blinded by devotion, he can't see the threat she poses to the planet. Or this show. He leads her away. Lex lies unconscious.
Lair of Lana. Her computer screens come back up. And now she has Pay-Per-View! Rock! She sees video of Kara walking into Lex's office. Lana zooms in on the back of her head and then sees her turn toward the camera. She gets on the phone. She calls Clark to say that she knows where Kara is. She pushes a button on a remote and the walls close on her command center.
Lex is already up and around in his office. He's telling a senator that he needs an assurance that Agent Carter will be fired by morning. Is he talking to MamaKent? I kind of doubt it, because he's barking out orders. Lex turns, and Clark is standing there. Dammit, Clark, not now! Clark is looking for Kara. "Take it easy, Clark," Lex says. We have all night. Clark grabs Lex roughly and asks, "Where is she?" In my pants! Quick, go look for her! Lex says she was just arrested by the Department of Domestic Security. Clark threatens Lex if he happens to be lying. Lex says he tried to help, but the agent got the upper hand. With his handgun. Clark says he wishes he could believe Lex. Lex only wants to help her. "I swear! She's been taken to a lab in Virginia!" Lex says. He asks why they would arrest her. Dramatic music. Clark is still holding on to Lex. Second Gayest Look of the Episode. It's quite the bonanza this week.
Commercials. Someday they will make a minty gum so refreshing and icy that your tongue will freeze and shatter in your mouth. You will nevertheless buy it a second time.
D.C. lab. Kara, hooked up to a Kryptonite IV drip, is strapped to a gnarly steel gurney. On either side of her head are two red brain-thingies that look like the Target logo. We are going to drill fashionable savings right into your skull! Kara asks why Agent Carter is doing this. She says it's hurting her. Because he'll never be as pretty as you, that's why. Carter, so eeeevil, says that if he weren't doing this, she'd be hurting him. He says it's survival of the fittest, as we humans call it. Kara says she's human. Carter says he talked to the lab tech she tried to seduce. He says the machine he's hooking her up to will reveal the truth. It's something developed at Summerholt that makes people relive their memories. Conveniently, it can be hooked up to a videocamera for expository purposes. Carter moves the Target-themed clamps onto Kara's temples. He says he wants to know about her home planet. She lies that he's on it. It's called Earth, fool! Carter smiles snidely. He releases liquid from the meteor rock IV. Kara grunts. It burns! He asks where she's from and when she first arrived on this planet. Extreme close-up on Kara's green eye. We flash to white.
Everything is hazy and warmly lit, like heaven for models. We see a slightly younger-looking Kara wearing a ponytail. She's stroking the snout of a horse in a stable. This scene really screwed with me for a bit until I realized we're at the Kent Farm, not on some weird Space Stable with Alien Horses and Robot Cattle. Kara is wearing a pink shirt and jeans. She sees Lara up in the loft. Lara is wearing all white and has flowing blonde hair. Hey, it's Helen Slater! Welcome! Lara is surprised Kara found her. Kara says that with the speed they have on this planet, it wasn't long. Lara thinks it was dangerous of Kara to follow her through the last remaining portal. Kara says she had to get out of that shithole Kandor, with all the bombing and pointy buildings. Lara asks if Zor-El knows she's here. Kara says her dad was so busy in the lab, it was easy to sneak away. Lara smiles. Oh, you crazy kids with your portals and your superspeed. Kara asks why Lara's here. Lara says she wanted to see where her son may grow up. Kara figures out that Lara's pregnant. She's thrilled. They hug. Kara says she knew how much Lara and Jor-El wanted this. Lara calls it their "Miracle Baby." You just plant it and water with Miracle-Gro for nine months.
Lara has to explain why she'd send her son here. She says that their war may never end, and that Jor-El's Brain Interactive Construct may not save them. Kara says she'll protect the baby. Lara, walking away, says she won't let the fate of the planet risk the safety of her son. Kara asks if she's not afraid of having her kid raised by humans. They smell, did you hear? Lara says that Jor-El visited this family years ago and chose them based on their capacity for love. He didn't travel too far or meet any benevolent rich people. Kara's not impressed with the barn. She says the place is a mess. Yeah? Well, your planet is gonna blow up. How you like them exploding apples? Lara wants to show Kara the main "residence." We flash back to Kara in the experiment chair, sweaty. Carter can't believe she was here before the first meteor shower. Kara tries to deny it. He says she came here in 1986. Carter, wanting to know whom she visited, offers to up the dosage. Kara thrashes.
We flash back to Kara and Lara's Crazy Earth Adventure. Inside the Kent kitchen, Kara is finally worried about getting caught. She asks if the Kents are home. Lara says they're at a "spiritual celebration called church." Kara says it smells much nicer in here. Lara sees in the oven that they're cooking Sunday roast. She sighs loudly. She thinks it's peaceful compared to Krypton. A true home. Kara, bouncing to the living room, thinks it's small and cluttered. She sees a figurine of a rooster. Lara warns her to be careful and not leave any trace of their visit. Lara doesn't want to influence them and make them feel insecure about raising her child. Kara asks if the baby has a name. Lara moans, "Noooo." She says they haven't had time to discuss that. Kara says that the kid will be so far away that their sun will be nothing but a distant star. She suggests "Kal-El," so that when he looks to the sky, he could think of them. Lara thinks that's a beautiful name.
Lara sees some family photos. She picks up one of MamaKent, looking young and totally hot! She says the woman will make a good mother Kara figures out how to use a Polaroid camera and snaps a photo of Lara. Oops! She asks if Lara doesn't want her son to have a picture of her. Lara thinks they should hide it somewhere. She hides it in the same frame with MamaKent's picture. Sneaky! Just then, the front door is blown off its hinges. It's crazy-ass Zor-El! And his cheek is twitching. I think it's time to finish your dinner, because when this guy starts chewing, there's not gonna be anything left in sight! Lara, obviously scared, says, "Zor-El!" Hey, what's up? We were gonna rotate all the furniture to totally freak out the humans. It'll be fun! Join in! Flash back to Kara in the chair. "My father!" she says. There's a sudden noise at the lab door. Clark is pushing aside the massive steel door like it's cheese. Carter is amazed. "Get away from her!" Clark says. Carter pulls out a useless gun. Clark sees the IV and goes weak. "You're one of them," Carter marvels. Score. Carter picks up his custom Kryptonite hand clamps and walks toward Clark. He says he figured there were more of them, hiding in plain sight. Clark is taking a squat. He grunts that Kara's gonna die because she's been exposed for too long. Carter says he had to push Kara to her limits. Clark promises to tell Carter everything he needs to know if he disconnects Kara. Carter thinks he'll take them both. Thanks for the offer, though. Clark finds the strength to rush at Carter and push him over a rolling cart. Carter falls, foiled by a tiny spray bottle. Clark goes to unclamp Kara. He pulls the IV out of her arm. He reaches to take off the diodes on her neck, but when he touches one of them, it flashes green. We zoom in on Clark's face as he sees her memories. Can Clark also pick up HBO and Starz?
More flashbacking. Zor-El is pissed. He says he told Kara not to leave Kandor. You need to stay there to absorb the missile blasts, young lady! Don't sass me, either. Lara takes the blame and says she thought Kara could learn something by coming here. Kara says it's not true. Zor-El grabs her roughly by the arm and goes, "DAMMIT!" He tells her to wait outside. Zor-El turns back angrily on Lara, who is trying to calm him down. She says Kara is safe with her. Zor-El does calm down and says he's relieved Lara is here on Earth. Wearing a suit (strange), he says that their planet is close to being destroyed, so there's no reason to return. And me without my space toothbrush. Lara looks at him curiously. Zor-El wants Lara to stay here with him and for them to rule Earth as a family. Kara sticks her head through the open space where the front door used to be. Zor-El tries to get his groove on with Lara. Lara pushes him off and says that Jor-El is her husband and that they're having a child. Zor-El looks stricken. "A son!" Lara tells him.
Zor-El turns away and walks it off. He says Zor-El's blood runs too cold to be a dad. He's a Popsicle! (Groan. I know. Bad joke.) Lara says that Zor-El tried to kill him. "What does that make you?" she asks. "Passionate!" he growls. Acting! Brilliant! Thank you! He thinks Jor-El stole Lara from him and stole his life. Man, these Kryptons are fucking batty. They need their own daytime program, maybe five days a week. Lara says Jor-El didn't steal her. Zor-El says that Jor-El will never feel about her the way he does. Psycho? Silly? Zor-El tries to grab on Lara again, saying that he'll love her son as his own and that Kara loves Lara like a mom. Lara tells him to stop and says he's delusional. Am I? Am I really? Or am I just lusional enough to start making sense? Zor-El says one of the funniest lines of the episode: "We will be together, Lara. If not here today, then one day through my science." My science rules! I got a ribbon at the fair and everything. Fuck other people's science. Mine makes the ladies go, "Haaaaay!" Lara suddenly realizes that her DNA's been stolen. And a dingo ate it.
Zor-El, really going for the gusto here, says that he stored a few strands of her in a crystal that's full of light and beauty, just like Lara. Ah...right, then. Could you go away? You're creeping out the farm animals, dude. Lara says she refuses to be his science experiment. "Oh, you're much more than that, Lara," he says and tries to grope on her yet again. Dastardly! Moustache twirl! He should totally tie her to some train tracks. Kara watches all this. Thanks for the help, chica. "Father!" she finally says. She asks how he could do this. "I told you to WAIT OUTSIDE!" he says, holding up a little Krypton crest. He points it at Kara. It glows orange and has the Superman logo on it. "You will forget everything about this day!" he says. Oh, that it could have been pointed right at me.
We flash back to a sweaty Clark, who just saw all that. Whoah! He blinks. Kara has flatlined. He yells for her to come back. Evil Agent Carter is lurking right behind Clark, holding the clamps. And then he gets shot by Papa Luthor, who, of course, is standing right in the corner. Who doesn't have access to this room? Is this place for rent on Craiglist? Papa Luthor, hand in his pocket, goes to check on the agent. He checks for a pulse, but we're not sure if he's dead. Papa eyes the IV and moves it away. He tells Clark he'd have never told him about this place if he knew how dangerous it was. Clark, frustrated, raises his fist. In slow motion, he slams it down right above Kara's boobs. There's an orange flash. And, of course, she sits right up, come back to life. This is...just...awful. This whole scene plays like a six-year-old was making it up as he went along: "And then she was dreaming, and then Clark went into her dream, and then he wasn't seeing her dream anymore, but she was dead, but then the bad guy was coming up behind him, but then Papa Luthor shot him because he was there now, and then Clark was sad, but then he put up his fist and he hit Kara in the tummy and she woke'd up! All better!" Motherfucking jeez! This show should be sponsored by Fisher Price. Kara heaves her mighty bosoms as we zoom in. Thanks? She hugs Clark. "I'm so sorry," she says. Clark says it's gonna be all right. He doesn't seem so sure. Neither do I.
Commercials. A twist is coming. But really, it's not.
Kent Farm, daytime. We see the photo of MamaKent. Clark and Kara are staring at it. Clark finally opens the frame and takes out the photo of Lara. He can't believe it was there the whole time. Kara says that proves she really was here. Everything she saw was true. Clark ignores Kara's anguish and says that when he saw the image of his mother, she was beautiful, just like in the photo. It is a pretty damned good Polaroid. Clark knows Kara really loved her. She also loved her father. Oops. Until now, she says, she thought he was a god and a hero. But now, she says, she knows he was nothing like that. Clark says that her father did some bad shit, but that in his own twisted way, he loved Kara. Gee, thanks, Clark. All better. Kara feels bummed about finding out the truth. Clark reminds Kara that we're not defined by our parents. Thank goodness for my kid. Clark says he learned from the Kents that we shape our own destiny. Nice, Kryptonian. Kara decides she should stop living in the past and start looking ahead to her future on Earth. She wants friends like Clark. She apologizes for putting Clark in danger. Clark says it's all right, since he knows now how important the crystal was. Kara says she's sorry for the mean things she said about Clark. She's happy to have him in her life. Clark smiles. He's happy to be in her life. Smiles. She's glad Clark got to see his mother. He hopes to see her again someday. Uh-oh.
Lair of Lex. Lex pours himself some Scotch. Papa Luthor comes in. He asks if Lex is striving for complete isolation. He says that's dangerous and that no man is an island entire of itself. Lex says he tried to use the private jet the other night, but Papa had taken it to Washington. He asks where Papa went. Papa says he had some catching up to do. Papa tells Lex that he got some info from the Department of Domestic Security. "There's a new girl in town," he says, "and apparently you are fascinated with her." Lex plays it off like he's not really interested in Kara. He says she only works for him at The Talon. Papa mentions Lana, who also worked there. He asks Lex if it's not time to give up this fixation with Clark and everyone connected with him. He knows! Lex asks if this is his fatherly advice for the day. Papa asks if he can't just take an interest in his son's well being. "Oh, which son is that?" Lex asks bitterly. He says Papa spends as much time protecting Clark as he does pushing Lex away. Ouchies. He asks whose father Papa really is. "I wish I could say yours and be proud," Papa Luthor says. Daggers! Coming out of your mouth! Painful! Papa starts to dig in on Lex's treatment of Lana. Lex says he learned from watching Papa Luthor and his mother. That shuts up Papa. "I was just...being a Luthor," Lex says. Papa warns Lex that he's crossed a line. Lex says that Papa may assume the worst, but that he's not that person anymore. Papa says Lex hides his illicit projects like an expert. Papa crosses to Lex and says that he may fool himself and others, but that he can't fool his dad. He chuckles. "You can never fool me," he warns. Lex is at a loss for more words.
Daily Planet. Jimmy, holding some mail, runs into Kara, who's waiting for him. She says she's sorry for leaving him the night before. Jimmy says he knows what it's like to chase a lead, but he'd be sad if she just wanted him for his computer. Kara says she was so focused on spaceships, she wasn't much of a friend. She follows Jimmy through the newsroom, saying he's been there for her every time. Jimmy finally turns to her. Kara gushes some more about Jimmy being a great guy. Jimmy's impressed with her quick computer skills. He thinks she can do anything. Kara smiles. She offers to treat Jimmy to some Chinese for lunch. Kara kisses him, right on the mouth. "Whoah," Jimmy says. Jimmy goes to get his jacket. On his way, he runs into Chloe, who says he looks chipper. Jimmy says it's nothing. He says it's just a beautiful day. Chloe tries to make nice with him and be friends. She asks if he's doing anything for lunch. Jimmy says he has plans. He glances over at his date. "With Kara?" Chloe asks. Jimmy says it's just lunch. Yeah. All right. You go, Jimmy. Chloe warns Jimmy that this'll sound weird, but that they're from two different worlds. She warns him to be careful. Jimmy says she's from Minnesota, not another planet. Sigh. Are we almost done here? Jimmy goes to lunch. Chloe looks worried. And hurt. She gulps.
Kent Farm. The Barnness of Cloneitude. Clark is leading Lana by the hand. He thanks her for helping him find Kara. She asks what he wants to show her. Clark shows Lana the photo of his mother. He says her name is Lara. Lana says she's "stunning." Lana notices the photo was taken in Clark's house. She asks how that's possible. Clark vows to tell Lana everything. He takes out a box from under a door in the floor. He opens the heavy box. It's the blue crystal. Clark says that inside the crystal is his mother's DNA. Heavy music. We go to black. That was the big twist? Whatever, misleading promos. Bite me.
week: Lana has superpowers. Oh, cripes, can we just skip that one? No? Fine. I'll see you week.