Meta-stasized

S07E05

By Omar G

In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.

Meta, meta, meta, meta, meta! This week's episode wants us to know that they are onto us internet freaks who dissect every aspect of a TV show, comic book or movie. We are freaks! Did Aaron Sorkin write this episode? Anyhoo, when a film studio improbably chooses a small town in Kansas with no local film crews to shoot a Warrior Angel movie adaptation, Clark ends up saving the film's female star, played by the bite-sized but cute Christina Milian, from a car accident on the set. Suddenly, the actress is hitting on Clark, and the tabloids think Clark is dating her. Luckily, Clark has a protective Lana Blue Ball Force Field around him, and the actress believes Clark and Lana belong together. Awww (gag). An online geek who happens to be a production assistant on the movie is trying to kill Christina Milian in order to keep the movie producers from allowing Warrior Angel's girlfriend to live. Apparently, she dies in the comic book version. Hasn't this guy ever heard of recasting? Anyway, he tries to swap out blanks for real bullets in a prop gun, but Clark intercepts the bullet. The fanboy sees it and decides that Clark is the real superhero. He tries to kill Lana by dropping her off a building in order to give Clark a kick in the ass to start being a global superhero (awesome idea, by the way), but as we long-timers know, you can never kill Lana. Clark jumps off the roof and somehow saves her in a close-enough approximation of flying. Meanwhile, on what could have been a whole other episode, we find out that Papa Luthor is being held hostage, Misery-style, by a crazy lady with a cabin near the farm. It wasn't washed away? Papa Luthor manages to escape, but he gets a big shovel to the face from Lana, who has been paying the woman to hold Papa captive. Snooping Lois finds out that a Luthor bought the land near the dam and gets busted by Lex when she tries to sneak in his office for more info. Lex uses what Lois found out to track down Papa Luthor at the cabin, and Lex tries to free him. Papa Luthor kills the crap out of his former captor with his bare hands. Later, Papa Luthor confronts Lana about what happened and suggests that she's quite the sneaky pinky these days. Lex, a big Warrior Angel fan until his breakup with Clark, tracks down the comic book fan, who ends up in Belle Reve. Lex tries to bribe him with priceless Warrior Angel comics for information about Clark's abilities, but the fan refuses to talk. Lana blah blahs about not wanting to hold Clark back from his destiny. Clark receives a gift from Christina Milian: a big, obvious red cape. He sticks it on a fence post and goes inside the Kent home to keep leading his incredibly boring life with Lana for the time being. Want more? The full recap starts right below!

We open on...a flying penis? Oh, wait, let me take these novelty prescription glasses off...ah. It's just a bald guy wearing a mask and a superhero costume being rigged up to look like he's flying. Triumphant music swells. The guy, wearing a red cape, is being held up by wires. We see a crane against the backdrop of Kent Farm as a camera crew captures this extreme lack of action. It's a bold choice shooting this outdoors instead of with a green screen. Our camera pulls back as a director on set yells, "Cut!" and the penis...er, "superhero" is lowered.

We see lots of film-related activity and equipment, but we don't dwell on this. Instead, we go to Chloe and Clark, who are standing nearby. She's pleased that Clark gave permission for filming, thereby bringing a little Hollywood to town. There are myriad things wrong with all this, but I'll only point out a few. First of all, given Clark's penchant for secrecy and his newly arrived cousin, he'd never agree to let something so public happen on his farm. Second, a major film production would never go start shooting in a town that has no local film crews or talent just to save a few bucks unless it was necessary to film in a specific location. In this case, it isn't. But, whatever. It's just a big, dumb TV show. Clark complains that he didn't know half of Hollywood would come to the farm. This actually looks pretty small-scale. Where are all the expensive trailers? Chloe points out the irony of filming the "bazillion-dollar budget" Warrior Angel film in a single-theater town. They never mention how much Clark is getting paid for the use of his farm. Chloe wonders who doesn't love the story of a small-town boy who grows up to fight the evil Devilicus, and grins. Clark says he didn't know Chloe was such a follower of the comics. She says she's not; fiction's more interesting than reality for her right now. She rants about how much dating sucks. Wow, Chloe's wearing a pretty skimpy dark green top. Is she looking to get cast? Chloe says she's had lots of time to create Kara's fake backstory. It involves posing for the cover of Stuff magazine. She says that Kara's identity is "practically Google-proof." Clark hopes she appreciates that when she clears her head and comes home.

A very busy-looking production assistant with pens all around his neck and a clipboard in his hands asks for everyone to move back. Another guy holds up a pretty umbrella to shade a delicate actress walking by. It's recording artist Christina Milian! She is literally three feet two inches tall. You could stick her on top of a cake and she would not fall through it. People gawk as Chloe tells Clark that this girl, "Rachel Davenport," is practically her own constellation. I can't possibly remember that, so I'm calling her Christina Milian. As Christina walks by wearing huge dark glasses, Chloe says that the girl has nixed all press interviews. Chloe thinks an exclusive with the actress would put the snap back in her editor's suspenders. Ew

They start filming a new scene. The director says, "Action." Very calmly. No big deal. Just a little action going on here. Christina -- wearing a super-tight dress -- walks to a waiting car while talking on a cell phone. On a monitor, we see the back of the vehicle, which rolls off into the horizon. The director, holding a coffee cup, says, "Cut." Everyone notices that the car keeps on going. Inside the car, a walkie-talkie tells Christina to stop the car. "What the hell?" she asks. The brakes aren't working. Clark asks Chloe if this was supposed to happen. (A song by The Cult is playing. Rock on.) Clark, bright light washing on him, uses his superhearing. He hears Christina panic inside the car. We see the car crashing against a fence post. Somehow it launches into the air -- Kent Farm is apparently hiding some underground trampolines -- and spins in the air. Christina's body flies out of the window in an amusingly fake way, and Clark is there to do a spinning catch. Nice one! Clark bends down to shield her from the flying vehicle. A car door seems to hit Clark in the back of the head. The prop car skids to a halt on its back, and explodes. Christina, bloodied a bit, is awake in Clark's arms. "So, you just totally saved my life," she says. "You're amazing." Hey, you're not so bad yourself, itty-bitty Christina Milian. Holla!

Opening credits. Commercials. The Verizon Juke cell phone: finally, a cell phone for hyperactive dancing jackasses.

Kent Farm, daytime. Clark is outside, bitterly planting fence posts with his hands. Stupid film industry! Messing up my precious fences! Lana, wearing a loose white top, comes out of the house and says she can think of other ways to burn calories. Why, you little pink minx! Clark gets a superchubby, and says he didn't hear Lana come in the night before. What with his superhearing and all. Lana says that Clark was asleep when she got home from Nell's, and that he was too cute to awaken. Clark makes a girly face. Lana says that even heroes need their beauty sleep. She pulls out a copy of the Smallville Ledger, which leads with the headline, "Local hero Clark Kent saves Hollywood starlet." Nobody on the set wondered how Clark was standing there one second and holding the actress a quarter-mile away the ? Lana says that after all these years of reading the articles, you'd think she'd have figured it out. You'd think the newspaper would have figured it out. Lana gushes that she's glad she's seen "the light." Whatevers. Clark is glad that Hollywood is gone. But it only lasts a second. The PA, still looking a mess, exits from an arriving limousine to tell Clark that Christina has requested to see him on the set. Since when do PAs get to ride around in limos? Usually they have to bring their own very cheap little cars to go do errands. Lana, a little cocky, says it looks like she's not Clark's only fan.

The Talon. The marquee reads, "Super Mocha Mondays." I prefer "Coffee Colonics Thursdays." Inside, the PA, who is wearing a Warrior Angel cap and a giant earpiece (hasn't this guy heard of Bluetooth?), leads Clark in, but tells him to keep it short because Christina's really busy. Clark's told not to ask for an autograph. Clark gives him a look, like, "Thanks, dick. You dragged me here." There's commotion and lots of people milling about, the coffee shop having been turned into a movie set. Clark tries not to knock anything over. Christina notices Clark and stands up. She's wearing a tight white gown with her boobs hanging out in a way that would make even Beyoncé jealous. She tells everyone to take a break so that she and Clark can have a five-minute one-on-one. She obviously doesn't have much faith in Clark's staying power. She tells Clark that they're shooting the famous "date scene" today, and that Warrior Angel is about to stand her up. On what? Because she's really tiny. You could stand her up on pretty much anything, no problem. Clark, lame, says that, in Warrior Angel's defense, there's probably a really good reason he doesn't show up to the date. Christina comes over to Clark and tells him that she wanted to thank him personally. What he did, she says, was really brave. Clark is just glad she's not in the hospital. Good Christ, so am I. Christina says that she got her start on a medical drama, which she calls two seasons of bad memories. She picks up a book with a piece of paper stuck in it. It's a William Shakespeare joint. Clark doesn't know what she's talking about with the medical drama. Christina is surprised Clark hasn't memorized her acting bio, and finds that cute, it seems. Clark says that he doesn't watch a lot of movies. Christina says it's refreshing for someone to see the real her, not the tabloid version. This version wears underwear. PA With Headset interrupts, Chloe in tow. She has something really important to tell Clark. Clark introduces Chloe as his friend from The Daily Planet, and mentions that Chloe would love to interview Christina. They shake hands. Chloe is starstruck. Christina says that she doesn't do interviews, but that she'll make an exception for Clark's friend. If Chloe were wearing something else, this might be a Battle Of The Network Cleavages. Chloe says that she's got news to share: an examination of the car showed that somebody jimmied (ack, she had to use that word) the accelerator and cut the brake line. Chloe says the only accident was that Clark saved her life. D'oh! Dramatic music. (It's not that dramatic, really.)

Daily Planet. We see a nameplate with the words "LOIS LANE" on a desk. Strangely, Lois isn't at that desk, but the one directly across it, where she's telling someone on the phone how to spell her last name. Boy Editor calls her last name, and without looking his way, Lois says that she has no time for chit-chat because she's chasing a lead. Boy Editor, wearing a full suit and tie (no suspenders that we can see), says that if Lois were on point, she wouldn't have been scooped by the Ledger on the movie-set story. He throws a newspaper down on the desk. Wouldn't it be a conflict of interest for her to write about Clark anyway? And wasn't Chloe already there? Clark tells her to go to the set and sniff out some scandal. Lois tries to change the subject to white-collar crime, which she says is this season's Hollywood DUI. Oh, Lois. Poor, sad, incorrect Lois. Lois shows him a piece of paper, a deed for a hundred acres of land near the dam where she says Lex Luthor was building his army of toy soldiers. She says that it was a recent purchase, and that the deed says it was worth $50,000. Boy Editor thinks it's yawn-worthy. Lois thinks that Lex is still evil, and that his recently charity work (which we only hear about secondhand) is just a front. Boy Editor warns Lois that she needs proof. Lois says there's nothing on the property but an old cabin and a bunch of "No Trespassing" signs. Boy Editor tells her to do herself a favor: "Drop the lead." Lois is frustrated. And very unlikely to do what her boss says.

Some water by the dam. We see a small cabin. It looks appropriately shitholey. Papa Luthor is lying in a bed. Welcome back! He wakes up. He's got a patchy beard going. He turns his head wearily and sees a dark-haired woman. "You decided to join us," she says, her body leaned forward toward him. "Waaaater," Papa Luthor says hoarsely. She gives him some water from a small glass. Some of it dribbles out. He breathes heavily. There's a scary-as-hell stuffed boar's head on the wall above Papa Luthor. "Where am I?" he asks. "Who are you?" She's Marilyn. Oh, of course. Papa asks why Marilyn hasn't taken him to a hospital. Because this is Misery II: Electric Blanketloo. Scary music plays. Marilyn, taken aback, complains that she isn't even getting a thank-you before he starts asking for silk sheets. Craaaaazy! Papa Luthor tries to sit up, but something holds him back. He lifts the blankets and sees his right hand clamped in a gnarly bear trap. Ouch! He asks her to unlock it. Marilyn says she can't do that. Papa warns her that someone will find him, and that it's only a matter of time. Marilyn says there's not a lot of people looking for him. "Maybe it's time you found some better friends," she tells him. We see Marilyn walking through a greenhouse area inside the shack. Is she growing pot? She calls someone on her cell phone: "It's Marilyn. He's finally awake." Mystery music crescendos.

Commercials. Jerry Jones is the Papa Luthor of NFL football.

The Barnness of Milianitude. Christina is asking Clark if he's different from other men. Not in the closet he's not. "How can you ask me that?" Clark asks quietly. "You barely know me." Christina advances on him aggressively and says she sees that he's got a secret so powerful it won't let him get close to anyone. Wide shot as Clark is backing up, suffering from severe boner shame. We now see that he's holding a red script and trying to read from it. He says Christina should be with someone who can give her the love she deserves. She says that Clark is that someone, and tackles him onto the couch, straddling him. Poor defenseless Clark! She's got Kryptovagina. Clark awkwardly tries to read from the script. Christina keeps purring out her lines. She tries to kiss him, but Clark backs his head away. She says it's all right, and that it's part of the scene. She raises her eyebrows a little to signal that it's totally not part of the scene, and tries to kiss him again. Clark dodges again and says he has a..."Girlfriend?" Lana finishes. Pssst! She's standing right behind you, Christina! Christina, her butt sticking out, only turns her head. Lana just stands there, giving her a stern but slightly amused look. Clark holds up his red script to prove that they were rehearsing lines. He starts to introduce the actress, but Christina does so herself. Lana shakes her hand like there are no hard feelings. They both look to Clark expectantly. One of them has a loose white top. The other one's white top is so tight you can tell if she has any wayward moles. I'll leave you to figure out which one was wearing what. Lana says she hopes Clark saved some of those lines to use on her later. Wow, Lana really wants to fuck Clark. Clark, are you sure you want to be wasting time helping out rich actor types? You have some chores to do around the bedroom! Some fields to plow! Some seeds to plant! Clark smiles goofily. The boner shame is gone. Now it's boner-pride day. Christina says she's going to excuse herself to the kitchen, and have some cookies and whole milk. She says it a little snidely like she's rather be doing tequila shots with Rick Salomon.

After Christina's gone, Lana smiles at Clark. She says she didn't realize Christina was staying at the farm. Yeah, Clark, you really should have cleared that one with the live-in girlfriend. Clark says he thinks that the farm (the place where they've been shooting a movie, mind you) is a little more off-the-radar. Was the top of the Empire State Building not available? Lana, putting on her sneaky face, says she didn't want to say so in front of Christina, but that Chloe may have found a clue about the saboteur. Chloe got sidetracked by her editor, but that she emailed Clark and Lana something. Lana printed it out and put it in a folder. Because email isn't efficient on its own. Lana shows Clark on a laptop a "Warrior Angel discussion forum." Also, "online." Clark asks, "Internet blogs?" No, Clark. Discussion forum. Lana says that it turns out not all the fans are enthusiastic about the film's interpretation. No, we're not that excited about Lana Lang. Lana says that the film stays true to the comics in all ways but one: in the comics, Warrior Angel's girlfriend dies. "And in the movie...she doesn't," Clark surmises. Give the man a brain cookie. Clark adds, "Blogs, messages boards, fan forums...these are all pretty extreme." Let us please take a moment to thank uncredited teleplay writer Aaron Sorkin for his brilliant contributions to this week's episode. We wouldn't know we were ghoulish online freaks if he hadn't been there to tell us. Clark asks how we're supposed to narrow this down to one psycho ready to kill. Oh, this show makes all of us want to kill...ourselves. Lana points out one poster who's getting even more extreme: he's been posting that Warrior Angel lives in solitude and that Christina's blood will unleash the truth. See, I have been saying for years that it's Lana's blood that will unleash the truth, but every time they kill her, she just comes back. She's like a cat with about six lives left. Sadly.

Stately Luthor Manor, nighttime. Lex's lady assistant is giving him a rundown of Kara's fake bio. According to Chloe's fiction, she was an only child, had two dogs, was home-schooled, and grew up in Minnesota. Lex tells his assistant to keep searching. He looks at some photos of Kara. Clark is there, so Lex deftly keeps those away and instead picks up a newspaper and congratulates Clark on his recent heroics. Clark says that's why he's here. He wants Lex to help him with a reference. Like a letter of recommendation? You kind of shit the bed on that one, Clark. Clark says that Lex is the biggestWarrior Angelfan he knows. Lex says that he was a fan, but that he hasn't picked up a comic since he and Clark were friends. He says that, back then, he saw the world as black and white. Now that good and evil are gray, Lex says, the comics lost interest for him. Lex says, clunkily, that Clark's nose is the last one he'd expect to find in a comic. Clark tells Lex about the attack on Christina, and shows him a printout from a message board with the "Her blood will unleash the truth" line. Hey, that color scheme looks a bit like Kryptonsite. Lex catches the reference instantly: "Issue number five." He goes to his expensive set of display cases and pulls out a bottom drawer with comic books neatly hanging within. A temperature controller hisses as Lex slides it out. Nerd alert, nerd alert! Call security! Lex busts out #5: "One of my favorites." Lex tells Clark that it was the first time the arch-rival Devilicus got the upper hand. Well then, the first four issues must have been boring as hell. Lex says that Warrior Angel's girlfriend tries to expose the villain's evil and gets in over her head. We see the cover of the comic. A sad Warrior Angel is looking down. "Hero in Solitude," the cover reads. Clark opens the comic and sees Warrior Angel holding a woman in his arms. Lex says that Devilicus does something no reader sees coming: he shoots the girlfriend. Lex says that Warrior Angel can't get there in time, and the girlfriend dies. Clark tells Lex about the film version. "Sounds like Hollywood went for the happy ending," says Lex, adding that, in the comic-book world, when you're destined to save the world, you're destined to do it alone. The camera pushes in for emphasis. Clark is a little stunned. Close-up on an image from the comic: a gnarly-looking pistol.

We cut to a real-life version of that pistol. PA Guy is replacing the blanks in the prop gun with real bullets. Eeeevil! He grimaces and hands the gun to another guy. Don't they do, like, a million checks on these now on movie sets after the whole Brandon Lee incident? This seems a little implausible. Wait, I'm sorry, I forgot what show I was recapping. Please. Carry on. Clark is on the set, guarding. They're shooting on some dark gas station set. PA Guy hides behind some planks of wood and watches the shooting of the scene. A scene is rolling. Devilicus -- who looks like a giant lame striped bat -- points the gun at Christina and tells her she'll never live to expose him. Clark does his x-ray vision and sees a real bullet flying out of the chamber in slow motion. He does his magic and takes the bullet. On the film shoot, Warrior Angel clumsily mimes taking the bullet from the air after Clark has disappeared. PA Guy wonders what happened as the director yells, "Cut!" Clark holds out his hand with the smoking bullet right in front of the hiding PA. It's not Clark's best moment. The PA is like, "Fuck yes!" "Nice catch," he whispers, "superhero."

Commercials. The CW wants you to be a "Vlogger," whatever that means. Tell them in two minutes why Lana should go away and never come back. And then go back in time five years and make it happen then.

Very snazzy new overhead establishing shot of Metropolis skyline. The LuthorCorp building is pointy. Someone is swiping a key card to get into Lex's office. It's Lois, wearing a business suit and glasses. She's got her hair pinned up as she walks to Lex's desk and to his open laptop and taps in a password. "Wow, I am really good at this," Lois marvels. We're as surprised as you are. See, what they did was, they took the stuff that was cool about Chloe and they dumped it into Lois's brain. That's showbiz, baby! "Remind me to change my locks," says Lex, who is standing right behind Lois. He came in without making a sound? Was he hiding the whole time? Oh, show, make sense! Lois says she thought Lex was being honored by the Green Cross tonight. The Green Cross? Is that for aiding famine-plagued leprechaun lands? Lex takes her ID badge. It reads, "Level 9," and the name "Sadie Blodgett," which apparently is an obscure comics reference. Lex asks where she got this. Lois won't talk. Lex says that journalists have spent the last decade turning his life into bad headline puns and trying to dig up dirt; he asks whether Lois is any different. "I don't have any secrets left," he says. For some reason, he gives her back the badge. Break in any time! Lois, following him out, asks if it's not a secret that he recently purchased land by the dam. Lex says that he never authorized that. Lois shows him the deed and says that there aren't a lot of Luthors with authorization privileges these days. Lex looks at the deed. Someone signed neatly, in cursive, "LL." Oh my God, LL Cool J did it! Also, his mother said to knock you out. Watch your back. He asks one of his henchmen, who also magically just appeared, to escort Lois off the premises. She goes. Lex stays longer so that he can glower. Grrrr, glower!

Back on the set of Kansas Misery. Papa Luthor, sweaty, is watching Marilyn spray her plants. He slowly, slooooowly, reaches to his bear trap. He tries to open it with his left hand. We see the claws that have torn into his flesh move and loosen. I almost faint. Seriously. This is way over the top. Gaaaaah! Papa Luthor almost screams as the sharp metal tears away at his flesh. This scene wouldn't be so squirm-inducing if Papa Luthor wasn't selling the shit out of it. Ow, ow, ow. It hurts to watch this. Papa Luthor, overcome with pain, somehow manages to get his hand loose. He covers it with the blanket. That bastard is magnificent! He knocks over his water glass, shattering it, to get Marilyn's attention. She comes over, warning him that she's no millionaire. Papa Luthor, planning his escape, tells Marilyn that he was wrong earlier and that he should be thanking her. She softens a bit. She picks up glass as she says that it's nice having company, what with it being so lonely out here. Papa Luthor, who took the trouble to get out of bed, says, "But I don't have time!" He shatters what might be a vase on her head and runs. Marilyn screams and falls. Smell ya later, crazy lady!

Clark arrives home in his blue pick-up truck. As he does, there are news vans and paparazzi waiting for him. Clark! Clark! Clark! Over here! Smile! Are you wearing underwear? Who are you wearing? Is that Polo/Ralph Lauren? Wal-Mart bargain rack? Clark! Clark! Are you dating Brangelina? Will you be adopting any African babies? Clark! The reporters swarm around Clark, asking if he's dating Christina and whether he's an actor. Well...that's up for debate. Clark comes into the house to tell Christina that there are no more leads on the case. He finds her lying on a massage table, getting patted down by a male masseuse. A dudesseuse, if you will. There are tons of candles lit; the house has been turned into a makeshift spa. Christina, taking off her glasses (she was on, like, page 20 of her Shakespeare book), says she was trying to undo the stress of a death threat and six hours in a body harness. Clark says that if the paparazzi found her, then the would-be killer must know her location, too. Now she's stressed again. Dammit, Clark! She asks the dudesseuse to excuse them. She asks Clark to hand her a robe. She's nekkid! Clark realizes it and shift uncomfortably. He turns away as she gets dressed. We see her bare back. Clark notices an envelope on the table that reads, "CLARK KENT." Christina says that it arrived earlier. Clark opens it. It's a comic book. A note paper-clipped inside reads, "I saw what you did -- it's your job to save the world. Save it." It's from the fans of this show. Now get on with it! The comic shows Warrior Angel catching a bullet in his hand. Clark says suddenly that they're leaving. This place isn't safe anymore.

We go from Misery to Children Of The Corn. Papa Luthor is running through vegetation, trying to get away. He runs and runs and runs. It's foggy. A shovel suddenly comes into frame and whacks him in the face. He falls. Marilyn, who was in close pursuit with a gun, says, "Thank God...it's you!" It's Evil Lana Lang! She was holding the shovel. She throws it down angrily and asks, "How did he escape, Marilyn?" Marilyn doesn't have a great answer. Lana says that she's not paying her to make mistakes. Lana's cell phone rings. She answers it. She turns around and pretends to be Sweet Virginal Lana. It's Clark. She lies that she's watching a movie with Aunt Nell. She promises to pick up Christina as soon as she can. Lana hangs up. She turns and gazes at unconscious Papa Luthor, and puts her evil face back on.

Commercials. I am now intimately familiar with the Pampers line of baby products. I can even tell you the differences between their brands of baby wipes.

Daily Planet. Clark is walking down the stairs to the basement, where Chloe is alone. She says that working overtime at least keeps her from gracing Jimmy's MySpace page. Is it just me, or is Chloe completely losing it? Clark reveals that the superfan must have seen him catch the bullet; he's the only one who knew the ammo was real. Clark shows Chloe the comic. Chloe says that this guy's blog gets ten thousand hits a day; one post from him, and Clark will be everyone's favorite "Boy Wonder." Clark asks if Chloe can track the comic book to its owner. Here's what I don't get: wouldn't it be a lot easier to track a blog owner or message-board poster than it would be to track down the buyer of one comic book, which might have been paid for in cash at any comic-book store in the world? Chloe says that when she was researching blogs, she came across a guy who keeps track of Warrior Angel comic sales. Again, I call bullshit. This could be a comic someone purchased years ago and just happened to have in his collection. Chloe taps about ten keys on her computer and, of course, gets a return instantly. Cosmic Comics in Metropolis sold one to a guy named Ben Meyers in Metropolis the week before. So they're filming the Warrior Angel movie just hours away, and only one comic has been sold recently? You know, I'd rather you just skipped this scene and put up a title card that read, "Chloe somehow tracks down the stalker" and been done with it. Because this scene is just hurting my brain and possibly taking years off my life. Chloe gives Clark an address, even. Wow, comic-book stores sure do keep careful records. Clark squints at the computer monitor. He smells bullshit, too.

At the comic-book geek's place. A scary alien head. A comic put up on display. Action figures! The horror, the horror! Clark whooshes into the home that fandom built. "I knew you'd find me," says a voice. Get ready to make love to a geek, Clark. I'm half-expecting the guy to be in a bed, naked, surrounded by commemorative pogs. The PA Guy appears on a smallish computer monitor. He says that only a real hero would have found him. Or a mediocre private investigator. Clark recognizes him as the PA from the movie. He asks where he is. Clark asks where he is (up your butt, fool), and whether he's the one behind the attacks. "Warrior Angel was all I had," says PA Guy, who looks like he's falling apart. He adds that he needed a hero. Clark reminds him that his hero wouldn't just kill someone. PA Guy says that you can't mess with someone's idol, that's why there are no heroes anymore. Huh? Dude, make some sense. Better yet, get laid! PA Guy says that he's going to make Clark stand up and save the world the way Devilicus did Warrior Angel: "You need help. You just don't know it yet." He pushes a button, and the screen goes to static, which makes no sense on a computer monitor with a Webcam, but whatever. Clark stares at the static, as confused as I am, before blinking out of the trance.

Marilyn's scary shack. Lex comes in, brandishing a gun. He passes the plants. Sees Papa Luthor back in the bed. Goes to help him. "You're still alive," Lex notes. "I never gave up on you." He tries to get Papa Luthor free. Papa wearily asks, "Lex, why did you do this?" "But I see you've given up on me," replies Lex, disappointed. Marilyn appears, cocking her shotgun. Lex holds his hands up and pivots around. Hasn't Marilyn learned to watch her back yet? Marilyn says that she's read about the Luthors, and that Papa would rather have his other wrist "broke" than be saved by Lex. Papa Luthor, of course, attacks Marilyn from behind with a mighty grunt. They never learn, these one-shot villains. He begins to beat the crap out of her, punching her over and over. Lex says, "Dad." Papa keeps pounding on the probably dead woman. "Dad. DAD!" Lex yells. Papa Luthor keeps with the killing. It's pretty disturbing. Papa Luthor finally stops. And then he punches twice more. Daaaaamn! Lex is not thrilled. Papa Luthor looks up, his face all bloody and scary.

Oliver's clock-tower hideaway. Lana and Christina are there together, Christina in another low-cut blouse. She says she's sorry for what Lana saw at the loft. But she stops short of offering to re-enact it here with Lana. "Rehearsing lines?" Lana says playfully. Christina looks a tiny bit guilty, and then says that it's in Clark's eyes that Lana is the center of his universe. Ugh. That's a pretty crap universe. Christina says that she's only seen love like that once before. Lana asks what happened. "The director yelled, 'Cut!,'" she says. PA Guy enters, and says he's got updated call sheets. How secret can this hideout be if the whole film crew has access? Lana doesn't even get up from the couch. Christina complains about having to work all the time, and then asks how the guy found her. "Destiny," he says. He attacks Christina with a stun gun. She goes down instantly. Lana tries to run. She breaks a vase on PA Guy. He tackles Lana and tells her that Clark is a hero and that there's only one way he'll accept his calling: "You need to die." Dude, I've been sayin'! But I don't think it'll really happen. He stuns her while holding onto her, which doesn't seem wise. Wouldn't he get shocked, too? Lana goes down. PA Guy's work is never done.

Daily Planet. Clark and Chloe are still trying to figure out the mystery. They're debating whether PA Guy is right in wanting Clark to follow his destiny. Chloe asks if Clark wants her editorial on the subject, or if Clark wants to help find the guy who's going to "out" him in front of a thousand people. Trapped in the closet! Clark offers Chloe a hard drive. Instead of searching the hard drive, Chloe suggests that they loosen a few screws of their own to think like him. Clark says a line that probably looked a lot better on paper than it sounds coming out of his mouth: "Approach his move like someone who's blurred the line between fiction and reality." Ha! Sorry, Clark, but that may be the worst line reading I've ever heard on this show. So awful. So cheesy. Chloe asks what the worst thing she could do to Warrior Angel would be if she were Devilicus. Clark thinks. Hard. He sees a photo of Christina on the desk. "Lana!" he whispers. Nooooo! Man, Clark and Chloe are really slow with jumping to conclusions this week. This one was a gimme.

Cut to Oliver's place. PA Guy is carrying Lana to the balcony. He sits her on the ledge: "Don't you see? Clark was made for a greater glory!" He explains that until Clark gives up his desires and decides to save the world, thousands of lives are at stake. You can't really argue with that logic. "And mine doesn't matter?" asks Lana, about her own life. Aw, selfish as always. PA Guy says he knows it's not easy being a superhero's girlfriend (from experience?) but that Clark has to face his destiny alone. He says that Lana's standing in the way. Dude, it's Season 7. We've all just learned to accept that Lana ruined the show a long time ago, and there's no time left for redemption. Clark whooshes into the scene and checks Christina's pulse just as PA Guy throws Lana off the balcony. Weird shot of Lana falling, looking pretty calm and facing the sky. Clark jumps off the balcony and sails down, trying to make his body a bullet. He straightens himself and catches Lana. They both continue to plunge. Lana stares into his eyes. Clark stares back lovingly. They land on someone's van with a crash. I wonder if Lana will be paying for that with her $10 million. Clark and Lana nuzzle, but don't kiss.

Commercials. Saw IV was the #1 movie this weekend. If you own stock in humanity, you should sell off, quick.

Daily Planet. Boy Editor is looking at a printed-out draft of a Lois Lane story: "Missing CEO Found Alive: Billionaire Lionel Luthor Discovered." "This is crap," he tells Lois. She wonders if he's on crack, and says she knows somehow that Papa Luthor was found on LuthorCorp soil. Lois asks whether Lex might have used her tip to find Papa Luthor, or if he'd been hiding him there this whole time. Boy Editor -- who should put this on A1 right now -- says that Lois went behind his back, and that he told her the Luthors were off-limits. Lois sighs that it sounds like he might be worried about her. "More like annoyed," says Boy Editor. He completely changes the subject, saying that the paper is being honored for something Friday night, and he wants Lois to go with him. Lois scoffs. She thinks it's just an excuse to take a pretty girl while Boy Editor schmoozes. He says it's more like a chance for Lois to hobnob with movers and shakers from Metropolis. He wants her to rescue him from some long-winded speeches. Lois asks if he's asking her on a date. "God no -- I'm your boss," he tells her. It doesn't sound very convincing. He tells Lois that she's fired from being his plus-one. Lois says she never accepted. She hands him the story and says he doesn't want to be scooped by The Ledger again. On the way out of the room, she tells him that if she had been Boy Editor's plus-one, he'd have been her arm candy. Huh? Lois would be a lot more devastating if anything she said made an ounce of sense. I'm just glad to get out of this scene.

Kent Farm. Lana is hanging out in the loft, looking out of the huge window. She's still wearing virginal white. Papa Luthor has shown up, and he doesn't seem thrilled about having to go up all these stairs. He says that Lex told him Lana is living there now. Walking with a limp, he notes that it hasn't taken Lana long to go back to her roots. Lana says she heard what happened, and asks whether Papa Luthor is all right. Papa says that it's not reassuring to read your own obituary, and that Lana should know what that feels like. Lana says she heard Papa was being held captive by a crazy woman. Papa chuckles heartily and says, "Indeed I was. You." Hee hee. Nice one. Lana, smiling, walks forward and says, "I would never be involved in something like that." "Oh please," says Papa, "that line stopped working for you the minute you faked your own death." Beat down! Tell her! Testify! Papa says that Lex filled him in on the details. He asks how much Clark knows. Lana -- still with the goofy/sneaky smile -- says that she's sure Clark is happy that Papa's alive and well. Papa says that he's sure Lana believes she did everything for Clark. Lana says that finding Papa Luthor's body, and that paying a woman to keep him captive seems pretty complicated from a hotel in Shanghai. He says that she may have lost the Luthor name, but that it's the Luthor instincts that keep her claws sharp. He walks out. But before he goes, he tells Lana that she's at the edge of a very dangerous precipice: "You could easily tumble into someplace very dark. And very hard to escape." Lana says she hopes Papa doesn't plan on spreading these lies to Clark. Papa says he doesn't believe in Lana's good intentions, or in her intent to protect Clark. He thinks that this is about retribution, and asks Lana to let it go before it's too late. Lana just stares. Papa leaves. Lana continues to stare, expressionless. If only we could see what she's thinking. Or that she could act, so we'd have a clue.

A secured cell in Belle Reve. Lex walks in, holding a little case. PA Guy, minus all his pens and headset, recognizes him, and asks what Lex is doing there. Lex hands over the case he's holding and says he thought PA might enjoy it. PA opens it and gasps. He spreads a bunch of comic books on his bunk, and says that they're the rarest Warrior Angel comic books ever: they're worth a fortune. He asks why Lex is giving him these. Lex says that he's been known to believe in something even when the whole world tells him he's wrong. He once gave a man a million dollars for what was supposed to be Bigfoot's scrotum. That one didn't work out so well. PA recognizes the line as something Devilicus said to the president in a comic. "175," Lex says, pointing out the issue number. Lex wants to know about the man PA saw swipe a bullet from thin air, and that he's here to listen. PA thinks about it, and finally answers, "There's nothing to say. It was all in my head." He walks across the room and sits on the floor. Lex is stymied.

Kent Farm. The cows moo. With all that movie money, they can afford kick-ass grass now! Clark is still trying to fix that danged tractor. "Help, somebody!" Christina calls. She's standing there holding a gift-wrapped box. "Gotcha," she says, as Clark turns in alarm. Clark asks whether she's considered a career in acting. He stands opposite her, and the height difference is almost comical. Christina wanted to say goodbye. She promises to come back for the sequel, and thanks Clark for showing her that the town had more to offer than a tax break. We see a blurry Lana coming closer in the distance. A cold wind approaches. Christina says that the gift is a little something from the movie: after meeting Clark, Christina's starting to believe heroes really do exist. Clark smiles a tiny bit. Lana appears to scare the wench off. Christina is already walking away as Lana comes near. "There's something special about this one, Lana!," says Christina. "Hold on to him." She gets into her waiting town car. All right, that girl's pretty hot. You go, Christina. As the car goes, Clark tells Lana he hopes the comment about the sequel was a joke. Lana says that she's been thinking about what PA Guy said. Lana doesn't think the guy was completely off. She says that millions of people might look up to Clark instead of Warrior Angel. Clark says that there's not many people in Smallville. Lana says that she wants to grab onto Clark and never let go, but she thinks one day the world will need him more than she does. She says she doesn't want to be the one holding him there. Clark steps forward and says, "I'm not going anywhere." We know, we know! Clark says that, for the first time in his life, he's got everything he wants right front of him. You...selfish bastard! Clark and Lana make googly eyes at each other. She agrees to stay at the farm with him. Lame! Clark opens the silver box with the blue ribbon and red bow. It's TV-wrapped: no tearing of wrapping paper necessary. Clark reads the card inside: "To my hero -- Rachel." Clark takes a red cape out of the box. Foreboding music plays. A breeze flaps the cape. We cut to an overhead shot of Clark going into the house. The cape is flapping on the top of the fence. Nice way to treat your gifts, you big jerkwad. Let's just see if it's still there in a few hours.

week: Kara returns to cause more problems for Clark.