Lois decides to go back to the dam to poke around and investigate some more. Clark follows her, because he apparently has nothing better to do. They find a kicky red ship in the woods, and the person it belongs to -- the girl from last week, who can fly and kick some ass. She's Kara, and it turns out she's Clark's cousin (so much for romance, dude), the daughter of Zor-El, Jarnelle's heretofore unmentioned brother. Kara used to babysit Clark; she's been in suspended animation all this time. She's extremely bummed to hear that Krypton was destroyed because she has no idea where she's going to get more of these tiny blue Kryptonian tank tops. A patsy takes the blame for Lana's supposed murder, allowing Lex to get out of jail free (and without a card, even). He tracks down Lana and immediately hops on a plane to confront the foul, conniving, wig-wearing wench. Lex shows up, creepily and...asks for forgiveness. Dude, whaaaat? He tells Lana she can come back and live safely and do whatever she wants. Because he's so evil. Lex figured out that Lana found out that he had created a clone body of her. She used the clone, which was never alive (it was a Lana Real Doll, essentially) to fake her death in the exploding SUV. Lex admires her moxie. Lana has a gun and aims to kill Lex, but she loses her nerve when Lex clearly wants to die by her hand. Lex goes home and sketches a drawing of Kara, and is now in pursuit of his guardian angel. Look how well his pursuit of Clark turned out. Lois decides to investigate the ship, and a hot shot new editor at The Daily Planet overhears her and offers her a job if she can get the spaceship story. Lois doesn't want to get in the way of Chloe's career, but she takes the assignment anyway. In the end, she finds the ship, but doesn't get any evidence. The editor hires her anyway, and sits her to Chloe for some family competition. Kara and Clark track down the ship, which the government has taken. It blows up, but Kara absorbs the blast. Unfortunately, she loses an important huge crysta, and some creepy government guy snags it for the "Department of Domestic Security." Clark offers to let Kara stay at the farm given that she has no other relatives, and very little in the way of midriff-covering clothing. Clark goes to the Fortress to ask Jarnelle about all this family history, and Jarnelle tells him not to trust Kara; apparently, she's bad news.
We open on the destroyed dam from last week. No work crews? FEMA up in the house? I guess things have really gone to pot in Kansas when there's no state senator to allocate funds for rebuilding Reeves Dam. Damn you, MamaKent! Come baaaaack!
Clark and Lois are walking in the woods near the dam. There's a very neat path through which they walk. Clark says Lois should be resting. She's not about rest. When have you ever seen her rest? She can't even rest her mouth. For a second. Lois says she has to find out what Lex was up to out here. She says Clark should be back at The Talon hanging out with Chloe, especially after what happened with Lana. Clark ignores that. He says it's dangerous out here and he's gotta keep Lois out of trouble. Maybe he's just bored. It's not like there's crime or war out there for him to handle. Clark says this gives him a good opportunity to say goodbye. Oh my God, I've waited for this day. He's kicking her out of town! Lois says they're not a couple, so he can't break up with her. Clark says he's leaving Smallville. Not Smallville. Just Smallville. After Lana's funeral. Whoah, whoah, whoah. Did Clark join the cast of Dirty Sexy Money? Mmmm dirty...and sexy...and money. Lois says she didn't see that coming. Same here!
Lois asks where Clark is running away to. Up north. He says there's something he needs to do. You need to go further north than Vancouver? That's north, man. Lois asks about the farm. She says he can't just let the corn die on the vine. The evil corn entrepreneur Orville Redenbacher has had his eye on the farm for years. He wants to drown it in a sea of movie theater butter. So...salty! Clark says Ben Hubbard is going to run things for a while. Let's hope he's not related to L. Ron or there could be a giant Scientology Center where the barn now stands. Clark thought she'd be happy to see him go. "Who am I gonna pick on?" Lois asks. Clark is sure she'll find someone, considering that even the FDA classifies her as an irritant. Clark asks her to show him which way she went to the dam. He follows. "What is that?" she asks. "Holy crap, this is amazing!" Clark tries to follow, but something nausea-inducing holds him back. Lois pulls back a hilariously set-decorated set of branches to reveals a giant rust-colored flank of metal with brightly glowing Kryptonian symbols on it. They're placed in a circle.
We see a glowing green rock by Clark's foot. He takes a few steps back. Lois asks what Clark thinks it is. Clark says it must be some sort of experimental airplane. Lois says it has no windows. She knows this from only seeing one small side of the object. Lois pulls out her cell phone to take a picture of the logos. She takes a photo on her phone and says she thinks it's a spaceship. Clark is like, "Aw, that's cool, let's go. Ugly Betty is on! I wanna see what happens with Justin's internship!" Clark says spaceships don't exist. Liar! Liar! Liar! Lois says that there's algae on the ship, so it must have been underwater for a while. A shape whooshes past Lois and sends her flying. Lois lands right to Clark. Clark looks up and sees the flying girl from last week. She's wearing a very tiny light blue tank top with an itty-bitty shoulder jacket over it. Her flat belly is completely exposed. Gwen Stefani? The camera comes in from a low angle to zoom in on her serious face. She's huge! She holds up Lois's pink cell phone and crushes it in her hand. But Lois was locked into a two-year service plan! You bastard! "That's what happens...when you touch my STUFF!" the girl says. Ha! I like her already. Clark stands. She and Clark rush at each other. A circular shock wave radiates from their crashing bodies. Love! Clark flies backward and lands hard on the ground. Gwen Stefani follows. Floating in the air, she tells him, "Go get your girlfriend and don't ever come back." She flies into the sky, one fist up. She goes way out beyond the Earth's atmosphere. She looks down at the puny planet. In her hand, she holds a tiny Kryptonian crest. It glows. She sees a tiny baby inside. It's a test-crest baby! She flies back down to Earth. Save the test-crest baby, save the seventh season!
Opening credits. Commercials. The movie The Seeker. They made a whole movie about Quidditch?
New establishing shot of The Talon. It looks very burnt orange these days. Hook 'em horns! The marquee says, "Have a laugh with your decaf." That's how they're memorializing recently deceased co-owner Lana Lang Luthor? Chloe sits in the apartment looking at a classified file. Helpfully, it reads "CLASSIFIED" in big red letters. Shhhhh! It's a secret! You no see! Chloe flips through papers, all of them showing files from Belle Reve Sanitarium. There are several different profiles, all with attractive headshots. Say what you will about Belle Reve, but they take amazing ID photos. Chloe stares at the files glumly. Clark walks in with Lois. He wants her to go to the hospital. Lois insists it's just a little bump on her head. It's not like this particular lady lump is going to get her on the cover of Maxim. Lois says her head has been "bonked" a lot harder than that. Explains. So much. She asks for her laptop. Chloe, who is wearing around her neck every greenish and gold coin from all the Pirates of the Caribbean movies on a string, asks what happened. Lois says they just found a spaceship. Neat! Was there a comic book convention nearby? Chloe gives Clark a really obvious worried look. Clark says, ridiculously, that it's probably just a Styrofoam prop from a school play. They're doing High School Musical: In Spaaaaace! Chloe says that makes sense. No, it doesn't. Lois says props don't knock people unconscious. Yeah, they do. All the time! She thinks it was a force field. They should force you...into a field. Man, I need coffee.
Clark says she slipped in the mud and hit her head on a rock. A very tiny rock. It happens. Clark says that he helped her up, and that's why he's got mud all over himself. He looks to Chloe for approval of his unconvincing bullshit. Lois is going to change her clothes and head to The Inquisitor. She says her editor is going to flip. Unfortunately, his gig was with Cirque du Soleil. He'll flip over anything. After Lois leaves the room, Chloe rushes to Clark and asks what Lois saw. Clark says she didn't see a blonde girl with a bad attitude. Chloe asks if a Kryptonian attacked Lois. Why are they assuming it's a Kryptonian and not another phantom? Clark says that not only is this girl as strong as he is, but she can fly. Everybody can fly except you. Chloe's going to be flying before you can do it. "Whoah," Chloe says. She doesn't repeat the great line from last week about Clark's inability to soar. "Sounds like we got ourselves a true-blue supergirl," Chloe says. Clonk. "Define 'super,'" Clark says. Super -- [soo' pur] (adj.) 1. What Clark is not yet. 2. Person who maintains an apartment building.
Clark says that every Kryptonian he's come across has turned into a cold-blooded killer. What about Raya? You know, nice Kryptonian, died way too soon? "What is it with you people?" Chloe asks. "Are you the only half-decent member of the Kryptonian race?" Raya was all-decent, but let's not bring her up. For continuity's sake. Clark says he has to go back to the dam. Lois walks in, downing a bunch of aspirin. Clark says she may have a concussion. Chloe stops Lois before she leaves and insists she go to the doctor. Chloe even offers to take her. Lois agrees without a fight to a ten-minute hospital visit. Good luck with that.
Kansas State Penitentiary. Lex, in an orange jumpsuit, is pacing in his cell. He gets a window? What is he, Paris Hilton? Lex's new lawyer, a puffy older guy, comes in smiling. He says Lex has been cleared of all charges. Lex is a free man. Lex is like, "Do...what?" The lawyer says that a disgruntled tunnel-digging worker who claims he got cancer from the chemicals is taking credit for Lana's murder. His name is Abel Koontz. "He blew up my wife to get back at me?" Lex asks. Ha. He blew her up. The guy confessed. The lawyer offers to buy Lex a big, juicy Porterhouse. What's Porterhouse's first name? "He didn't do it," Lex says. The lawyer says they found his fingerprints on the scene. On the blown-up scene? Lex says the man did not murder his wife. Lex asks the lawyer to set up a meeting with the disgruntled employee. "What's the point?" the lawyer asks. My sentiments exactly. Lex says he's not sure that Lana is dead. You don't say!
The woods near the dam. Some local officers are milling around two dead bodies on the ground. Somebody want to call the paramedics? They tell Clark this is a crime scene. Clark sees Lois's busted cell phone on the ground.
Daily Planet. The main headline is about Lex going free. Chloe walks in through the distribution entrance for some reason as forklifts pass holding huge bundles of newspapers. Lex is standing there waiting for her. Chloe, surprised, says she thought Lex would be sharpening his shiv behind bars. He says someone else confessed. That didn't make it into the paper yet? Chloe says another Luthor has slithered away from justice. She asks how much they had to pay to get someone else to confess. Lex says he didn't pay the guy anything. He says apparently Papa Luthor did it before he disappeared. Lex says the man who confessed is dying of cancer and wanted his family taken care of. "Taken care of"? Now Lex has to kill a family, too? Chloe says none of this will bring Lana back. Lex says he doesn't think Lana is dead. Chloe says that Lex is already free and doesn't need to come up with more convoluted conspiracy theories. Lex and O.J. Simpson should totally team up to find the real killers. Lex says that Lana stole classified information from him before she left. Chloe says that Lana's remains were positively identified. Down to every last strand of DNA. Lex thinks that Chloe is going to tell him where Lana went. She doesn't. "Tell me everything you know," he demands. "Here's everything I know," she says. "You need some serious psychiatry."
Daily Planet offices. Clark runs into Chloe. She looks shaken. She doesn't tell him what just happened. Chloe says that Clark's Kryptonian friend has been showing up all over the county. She asks if he's seen her since "she went all space-shuttle." Clark says he found her victims: two park rangers where her ship used to be. Clark wants to find her before she hurts someone else. Chloe says there've been 911 calls coming in from preschools where some girl is scaring the children.
We cut to a playground. If there are all these 911 calls, why are the schools still letting the kids play outside? Kryptonian Gwen Stefani picks up a little boy by his jacket. "What's your name?" she asks. The kid is terrified. She promises not to hurt him, as evidenced by her picking him up by the scruff and holding him right up to her face. "Cody," he says cutely. She puts him down. Not Cod-El? She turns to another kid. Clark shows up and puts the boy down before he can be questioned. Clark tells her that what's going on stops now. Clark sees some adults approaching (these kids were playing unsupervised?). He grabs the girl by the arm and leads her away at superspeed. They talk in a secluded area. She says humans can't move that fast. "Who are you?" she asks. He says that's not important right now. He wants to stop her from killing again. She says she hasn't killed anyone yet, but that Clark is really tempting her. She tries to fly off, but Clark grabs her by the ankle. She turns and tries to kick him, but Clark grabs the other boot. He throws her on the ground, roughly. They have a stare-down. He notices her silver bracelet with the Superman logo on it. He asks what she's doing on Earth. Scaring kids? Wearing out tube tops? "You can trust me," he says, holding out a hand. I don't think she needs help getting up off the ground. So now Clark totally believes her? She says she's looking for a small boy. He asks if the boy has a name. "Kal-El," she says. Triumphant music plays. Hey, Clark knows that guy!
Commercials. Dentyne Ice is the chill!
Daily Planet. Chloe is trying to make Lois feel crazy for having seen a real spaceship. I'm not a huge fan of Lois, but given that she's the only person not lying this week, I'll give her a pass for now. Chloe says she's trying to revive her credibility after writing about all the crazy shit that went down in Smallville. Wow, that's never been brought up before. I guess that was invented just for the plot of this episode. Lois says that if she were Chloe, she'd be writing a story already. Chloe says that things are changing: a new hotshot editor from the Star City Post has been hired. She says spaceships aren't a good first impression. "Did I hear someone say spaceship?" Oh, lordy, it's Zach from The O.C., all nerded up with short hair and wearing suspenders and a tie. Only eccentric columnists wear suspenders in a newsroom, dude. Lois admonishes him for eavesdropping, but he says that eavesdropping is his business. He's a spy? He introduces himself as Grant Gabriel, the new editor. He bellows a lot and has this husky Super Dave Osborne voice going. Chloe says that Lois doesn't work here; she does. She introduces herself. Before she can finish, Boy Editor identifies her as Chloe Anne Sullivan and knows that she was the editor of The Torch. He knows she's taking Met University journalism classes by night while writing filler stories by day. She was mostly working at night, I thought, but whatever. He asks about Lois's close encounter. Lois says it's a trade secret because she works for The Inquisitor. Boy Editor says they're no rival for The Daily Planet. He says that they in fact have no rival. Chloe doesn't think he'd be interested in a story about spaceships. Boy Editor says that's the kind of old thinking that's putting newspapers in the crapper. Chloe asks when truth in journalism became "old guard." Since Jayson Blair? Boy Editor says he believes Lois. He tells her that if she can get him that story, she'll have a job. It's just that easy! This guy's never heard of the H.R. department or hiring real job applicants. How about a drug test and background check at least? Chloe is stunned. So am I. Lois doesn't know what to think. Or whether she should think at all.
Kent Farm. The cows really haven't gotten used to this whole "Clark is in charge now" business. Clark and Gwen Stefani arrive at the house. She can't believe Clark is Kal-El. She says Kal-El was a sweet, chubby baby who laughed when you tickled his feet. Hee hee. You can try tickling his feet now if you like. Clark gives her a look. She says she used to watch over him on Krypton. She was totally the babysitter. I bet she had boys over when she was supposed to be watching Tiny Clark. She says she left the planet right after Clark and that they were on the same trajectory. Clark says the ship seemed to have been in the water for a long time. He says she landed in the reservoir. He says the dam breaking was what brought her to the surface. She asks how long she was in suspended animation. Suspended animation? Really? Sure, why not. Just throw that in there for good measure. Clark says it was eighteen years. She says her "embedded learning program" (Kryptonphonics!) prepared her for lots of things, but not this. She paces back and forth a lot.
Clark asks why Gwen Stefani is searching for him. She says her father, Zor-El (he used to slash the letter "Z" all over the place with his eye lasers) sent her to find Clark. She says Zor-El and Jor-El were brothers. Clark takes an awkward step back. "That makes us...cousins," he says. It's too bad, because he totally wanted to superbone her. Clark says Jarnelle never mentioned Zor-El. She still hasn't said her name yet. She dances around the subject of their family and says the "House of El" (¡olé!) had a lot of secrets. She says they were dysfunctional. Well, they blew up a planet, so I guess that's true. She says they need to find her ship. She also mentions that there are green rocks around it that are making her weak. Clark warns her to stay away from those things and says that they can kill her. She's pissed off because she thought the yellow sun (yes, that one) was supposed to give her crazy awesome powers. Clark says that's true, but that Zor-El must not have known about the weakness they both share. He says the rocks are radioactive pieces of their home world. She asks how the pieces got to Earth from twenty-three galaxies away. You might want to sit down for this. Or hover in a sitting position. She says she was told that Krypton's salvation was on Earth and that she and Clark are the key. "I hope we're not too late," she says. Did I mention you should be sitting? Clark tells her that Krypton is gone. She asks what he means by that. Clark says it a'sploded. He says the two of them and her case of makeup and tiny clothes are the only survivors. Noooooo! She says planets don't just explode. Hit singles do, though. She should sing. She's really upset. Clark says he's sorry. She tells Clark that the yellow sun has fried his brain cells. This is indeed true, but doesn't really pertain to the conversation. She tells Clark to help her find her ship. Clark says it's missing. She warns Clark that if anyone opens the ship, it'll set off a self-destruct sequence. "Define self-destruct," Clark says. Self-destruct (self dee' strukt) v. 1. To a'splode your damn self. 2. What this show almost did in Season Four. She says it'll be a nuclear explosion. Serious music plays to show that it's serious business.
A scary-looking soundstage/government lab. The pointy ship is being studied by scientists. A guy in a suit tells a very bored-looking lady scientist that there's no sign of alien life near the site. "Open it," he tells her. She looks just bored enough to do it. Lasers try to cut the ship open or scan it or something. Really, I just see a bunch of bar-code scanners lighting the ship up and hear loud noises. The lasers borrowed from the Pink Floyd show at the planetarium are employed to highlight the Kryptonian symbols. Welcome...to the machine! The scientist, not so bored anymore now that she has lines, says the temperature is rising. The suit tells everyone to evacuate and says they don't have much time. So...this was all a mistake, then? Can I put that in my report? The guy in the suit just stands there. I thought you were supposed to be evacuating.
Commercials. Claire from Heroes is the new Neutrogena girl. Save the cheerleader's pores, eh...I'm already tired of this joke. I wonder if Kristin Kreuk is jealous or if they write letters to each other, like the Sisterhood Of The Traveling Bar Of Facial Soap.
Daily Planet. Boy Editor is in his very spacious and beautiful corner office, putting on a black bow tie to go with the rest of his tuxedo. He's got an odd lamp that has octagonal mirror panels on it. He uses one side of the lamp to adjust his tie. As he throws on his tux jacket, Lois walks into the office, her hands sheepishly pressed into her front pockets. Boy Editor (he should say, when people come into his office, "I Grant you entry!") is impressed that Lois works so fast. You should see her date superheroes. He asks if she has pages for him. She says she has to talk to him about that. Boy Editor's not interested in talking; he wants to read. Lois tells him that Chloe is the one who should be writing the spaceship story. Boy Editor goes to a very ornate box and pulls out a very satiny handkerchief. His snot deserves only the best. That box looks like it could hold some meteor rocks. Boy Editor says that Chloe lost her journalistic mojo and is now developing carpal tunnel as a hack writing about Fourth of July parades and City Hall. It would be nice if they had a City Hall reporter, then. Or one who covers parades.
Weird close-up of Boy Editor grabbing his keys. to his keys is a Blackberry. Lois says her cousin's feelings mean more to her than a story. Boy Editor gives her a whole speech about how stories, not feelings, sell newspapers and pay the bills. He asks if she thinks he's being honored by the Publisher's Guild because he's a nice guy who gives a damn about feelings. He says he breaks stories, any way any how. Lois, pissed, walks out as she tells him he's going to have to break this one with someone else. Boy Editor follows her, taunting Lois by telling her that it's not about Chloe; he thinks the story is just bunk and she wants to bail out on it. Lois, gullible, takes the bait. She tells "Bow Tie" that she has an Air Force contact who scored her some photos. She shows him satellite photos of a caravan of trucks driving from the dam to a grain silo in Granville. Boy Editor says it looks like Lois has some passion after all. He tells her this is her fork in the road; in a dozen years, she'll either be Lois Lane, star reporter for The Daily Planet, or some housewife with four kids and an extra forty pounds. Wow, those are very different lives. Maybe she can have the best of both worlds: forty extra pounds while being a star reporter. Lord knows hardcore journalists don't have the best diets. Boy Editor tells her she won't be able to look at a newspaper without thinking of what might have been. That's a lot for Lois to think about. Luckily, she doesn't really think.
Stately Luthor Manor. Lex's most recent African-American henchman (this one, we hope, won't get his guts pulled out) is filling in Lex on some intelligence they have on Lana. They've been bugging every cell and landline, apparently. Sounds pricey! They have a voice-recognition match. "She's in Asia," the guy says. You know, this show never really addressed Lana's ethnicity (as far as we know, her parents were white). It's a little disappointing that they have to avoid the subject. Why go to Shanghai, of all places? Are we supposed to assume that Lana has picked up some of the language? That she can blend in with a crowd (even with a ridiculous blonde wig? It's been seven seasons; I should really stop asking these kinds of questions about a show like this. Lex tells his henchman to prepare the jet for takeoff. Wow, what luck: a guy who specializes in satellite spying and private jet maintenance.
Weird dramatic sound cue that blends into the ding of an elevator. We cut to the newspaper, where Gwen Stefani and Clark are getting out of an elevator. Only she's forcing the doors open. Sparks fly. Clark tells her that the doors would have opened if she'd just waited. "We don't have time to wait for ancient technology!" she says. But we do have time to have a conversation about it. She suggests they split up to cover more ground. She takes a dig at Clark, saying they could do it faster if he could defy gravity. "Explain to me again why you can't fly?" she asks. Awkward! "I'm not sure," Clark says quietly. I know I give him a hard time, but Clark is really adorable and vulnerable at this moment. She says the humans must be right. "Girls do mature faster than boys," she says. Although it seems biologically unlikely, girls can also apparently be major dicks. Clark, tired of this Kal-El bullshit, tells her his name is Clark. Don't wear it out, you flying, tube-top-wearing asshole. People gathered around the elevator jump as it sparks again. Clark tells her to keep walking and not to look back. So she does look back, just to be difficult.
Clark and Gwen Stefani go to Chloe's desk. "Should have known you were Clark's cousin from all the primary colors," Chloe says. I don't think they're going to be friends. Clark's cuz asks if Chloe knows where the ship went. "Kal-El's getting me nowhere," she says, annoyed. It's more the show, you will learn. "It's Clark," Chloe corrects. Clark asks if Chloe has any leads. Chloe says she has nothing. Gwen Stefani says that this was a waste of time. "She's just a human," she says dismissively. Clark says that Chloe is smarter than the two of them combined. At least he's aware of that. Chloe apologizes, saying she's got a new editor who's breathing down her neck for splashy stories. She says the only thing she's been able to find is a loss of AM/FM radio in Granville. Gwen Stefani wants to leave. Clark asks if her ship emits any kind of frequency. She says if it's open, it sets off an alarm. It plays the James Brown auto alarm: "Heyyyy! Heyyyy! Heyyyy!" It's really funny at first, but gets annoying really fast. She says that only happens if the ship has been tampered with. She says she's the only one who can disarm it. Run!
Clark and the soon-to-be-named Kara (this time she's not a fake) are standing on the roof. You know, it didn't turn out so bad for fake-Kara. She ended up on Friday Night Lights, and that counts as a win in my book. Anyhoo, it's nighttime. Clark tells her that one of her abilities is to hear something from miles away. Didn't Chloe already say it was in Granville? Shouldn't they go there first? Clark tells her to focus and block everything else out. She moves her eyes all around and tries to do that. She frowns. Nothing. Clark tells her to close her eyes and concentrate. Think about fat ticklish babies. She concentrates and is flooded with the sounds of screams and sirens. The camera spins around her and bright lights shine in her face. Is this an anti-drug commercial? She wants Clark to make it stop. He tells her to focus. More zooming in on her ear and grainy film stock. She can suddenly hear the alarm. She's a quick study, at least. Clark says they can find it now. Awesome. I can't wait to see a car alarm go off.
Commercials. Online Nation. You can watch stuff on TV that you could have seen online. You just have to get off the computer and go to your TV. Then you can watch it again online. Everybody wins! Brilliant! In theory...
Lois, holding a camcorder and recording with it, has somehow managed to sneak in to the Granville grain silo. She didn't even get stabbed this time. She can hear an alarm and there are lights. This government program is not known for its discretion. Lois narrates her recording, annoyingly. She opens a big door and enters a giant warehouse room. "I found the Holy Grail," she says. King Arthur will be pleased. Even though there are crazy alarms and nobody's around, Lois thinks it's safe enough to keep filming and walk toward the giant spaceship. She films the Kryptonian symbols. She moves her hand toward them and touches the symbols. They, of course, send her flying across the room and knock her unconscious. They should just call this series Concussionville. As this is all happening, Clark and his cousin are whooshing to the scene. Clark goes straight to Lois, while Gwen Stefani just stares at her ship and says, "Uh-oh." She flies up to the top of it, where a beam of light is shooting out. She hovers above the ship and absorbs the light. There's a blast, and the ship disappears as a wave of energy dissipates. So...she...ate the ship? What is she, Kirby? It would be hilarious if she spit the ship out at Clark. She walks toward Clark. He asks if she's all right. "My ship -- it's gone." Burp. She asks what they're going to do. What's this "we" shit, Kryptonian?
Lex on a private jet. He's listening to the tape recording of his last conversation with Lana, over and over. It's a little psycho.
Big, silly nighttime establishing shot of "Shanghai, China." In the House Of Lana, there's a cup of tea, still steaming. A weird old radio sits nearby. The door opens. Lex walks in. He looks at the very orange walls. Orange is the theme this week. Lex sees Lana down the hall, brushing her hair in front of a vanity. Why don't you brush your stupid blonde wig? Lex comes up behind her, standing blurry in the doorway as we gaze upon Lana's blemish-free visage. Ancient hiding-out-in-Shanghai secret, huh? Lana turns. She's got a tiny gun pointed at Lex. "I'm impressed," he says. By a gun? What has happened to you, Lex? Lana says she learned from the master. From Dr. Who? Lana, wearing a turquoise silk robe, says that as soon as she heard Lex was freed, she laid out the breadcrumbs for the wolf to come knocking. I think you're mixing your metaphors. Also, that's a lot of breadcrumbs.
Lana does the thing Lex does where she moves her hand and head and gun to the side at the same time as she says, "Tell me, Lex...how were you planning on getting your revenge?" By C.O.D.? Lex gives her a rueful little look and says that if he wanted revenge, they wouldn't be having this conversation. Lex says he's come here to beg her forgiveness. Lana thinks he'll say anything with a gun pointed at his head. Lex says the things he did to Lana were "beyond inexcusable" and that he would have tried to ruin her life, too, if things had been reversed. He blah-blahs about how elegant her plan was and how he always knew she was smart, but he had no idea she was brilliant. Oh, fucking gag. Lex admires that she used his own science against him. Maybe if his science had been tighter... She says it wasn't science; it was his psychosis. Ouch. That one stung a bit. "You cloned me," Lana says. Like sheep? That seems appropriate. Lex says that Model 503 was never alive.
We cut to glimpses of the Lana Factory (this, this my friends, is Al and Miles's greatest triumph; the show itself is just gravy) where a Lana Real Doll lies on a slab. Great, how are we supposed to tell these two apart? One is a lifeless but lifelike approximation of Lana Lang; the other is a clone. We see the real Lana zippering up the body bag with the Lana Real Doll. Lex says that this is why Lana was able to wheel the clone out of the lab and place her in the driver's seat. Ugly, grainy footage of these flashbacks. We see Real Lana buckling in the Real Doll into the SUV's driver's seat. We see the car explode. Lana is pulled into the mail truck and drives away as her DNA evidence is safely burnt up in the SUV. "It was perfect," Lex says. It was bullshit. Would it be tacky of me to ask which of the show producers got to keep the Lana doll? Lex says that as far as the world is concerned, the real Lana Luthor is dead and buried. Lana reminds him that a dead woman can't be convicted of murder. She tells him he'll never hurt another person. "I don't want to," Lex says. He comes closer to Lana, even as she warns him to stay away. He pulls the gun closer to his chest. He says that after all the pain he put her through, he deserves to die. What do you think about this, Samuel L. Jackson? "Yes, Lex deserves to die, and I hope he burns in Hell!"
Teary-eyed, Lex tells Lana to please pull the trigger. Fucking weak, man. Come on, Lex! Stop this right now! You poor, pathetic sap! You're supposed to be the evil glue that holds this show together! You're not even, like, a pastel-colored elementary school glue stick! Pull it together, dude! Lex puts his hand over Lana's trembling one. He promises her the world will be a better place if she kills him. She can't, of course. "Kill me," Lex whispers. Her finger twitches. Dramatic music rises. Lex looks disappointed. He takes the gun. This scene was just pathetic. For all of us. Poor us. Lex tells Lana that if she wants to come back to Smallville (Nooooooo!), she'll be safe and can do whatever she wants. He tells her that Papa Luthor is missing, presumed dead, probably on Broadway. He tells Lana he'll never, ever hurt her again. Because he sucks. "I'm sorry, Lana," he says. He walks out slowly as Lana cries. He puts the gun down on his way out. He's not really Lex Luthor so much anymore, huh? Thank God it's over.
Commercials. I would almost be willing to watch a Fantastic Four movie on DVD just to get away from that last scene. Almost.
New establishing shot of people walking in and out of the entrance to The Daily Planet. Lois and Chloe are walking down the stairs. Lois is complaining that all that spaceship got her was two concussions and a "fried green camcorder." Your camcorder was green? Lois says she should have never chased that story. She works at The Inquisitor and she should have ignored a spaceship she saw with her own eyes? Let me just take a second to say that the reason I don't like Lois as a character on this show is because she says stupid shit like that all the time. She doesn't have motivation; she has reactions to things that happen to her from moment to moment. In short (because it's late and I'm tired), she doesn't act like a real person and she doesn't act like Lois Lane, so we're stuck with a character who is nothing but the result of necessary plot points and winks to the future. And it gets really exhausting watching her do stupid shit and say stupid shit and be in stupid shit situations. What's wrong with Lois on this show certainly isn't the actress; it's the writing.
Lois puts an arm around Chloe as they walk and laughs off the notion that she could have worked at the paper. "I am no Chloe Sullivan and never will be." Which seems like a pretty direct slap in the face directed at those invested in the Chlois theory, but whatever. Boy Editor appears, suspenders at the ready, telling Lois that her story is "ridiculous." Not just her story. Chloe tries to stick up for her and say that it was just her first draft. "It's absurd how good it is," he finishes. He says her prose leaps off the page like a Bengal tiger. Rrrowwwr! Maybe she could do into TV news and take on Darcelle Jones. Team Tiger! Lois asks if that means her story will run. "Absolutely not. It's unprintable," Boy Editor says. Smack! He tells Lois that he can't run a story about a kid from outer space without a photo. He tells Lois that she needs to always carry a backup camera. Like the one in the back of SUVs? Chloe tells him that she's just starting out and asks him to give her another chance. With his hand on the water cooler, he asks if Lois likes water. It's, you know...all right, I guess. He tells her he's giving her a waterfront view, right to Cousin Chloe. "Excuse me?" Chloe asks. Boy Editor says that maybe some of the passion from Lois will rub off on Chloe. Ew. He says maybe it'll put some fire in the torch Chloe let burn out after high school. Ouch, ouch, ouch. This is not a good day for Chloe. Lois asks if she just got offered a job. Boy Editor welcomes her to the paper and says that if she plays her cards right, she'll get out of the basement quicker than Chloe. I guess I didn't realize that Chloe was still stuck in the basement. He thinks a little family rivalry will keep the bullpen hopping. Lois is kinda happy. Chloe is destroyed. Not like we didn't see this coming.
Kent Farm at sunset. Clark and the still-as-yet-unnamed Kara are hanging out at the loft. She looks sad. She can't believe she ate the whole ship. Clark asks if she's all right. She asks how it happened...Krypton. Clark says he doesn't know. He wasn't really there. She says she'd heard whispers of a Doomsday Scenario (you mean Season Eight?), but she never thought they'd do it. She says Krypton was supposed to be the most civilized culture in the galaxy. Clark says evil exists in all cultures, no matter how advanced. They stand against the fake CGI sunset. She wonders if she could have helped back home. Clark says she did a lot of good here today. She says it's different for Clark, because he has no memory of Krypton. Clark asks her to be his memory and to tell him about his family. She averts her eyes and avoids the question, saying her memory is hazy from the ship. She does remember Clark's mother, Lora. She says Clark's mom was very cool to her and that the day she found out she was pregnant, she was happier than Kara had ever seen her. "You were so cute. You were her miracle baby," she says. It's awfully sweet. Kara says that now Lora and her family and the entire House of El is gone. She's bummed that she'll never see them again. Clark wants to hug her, but it would be weird. He says they're family now. He offers to let her stay at the farm for as long as she wants. He says the humans aren't as bad as she thinks. She thanks Kal-El...er, Clark. He smiles. She still feels like a failure. Clark lectures her about not having to do everything your father expects. She says she was supposed to guard a crystal from the ship, but now it's gone. It had all her directives in it. Also, all her winter clothes. She says the crystal could be bad news if it falls into the wrong hands. Clark thinks it was destroyed with the ship. She says the explosion wouldn't scratch the crystal and that only a Kryptonian could destroy it. She says it's gone. Drama!
Washington, D.C. The government dude who opened the ship is in an elevator. He tells someone on the phone that the ship was eviscerated, but that all is not lost. He holds a huge canister, suitable for sending deposit slips through the pneumatic tube at the Bank of America for Giants. Inside is a blue, long crystal, similar to the Ice Dildos of the Fortress. Government Evil walks down the hallway. He passes over a crest for the U.S. Department of Domestic Security.
The Fortress. Jarnelle's voice welcomes Clark to his training. He tells his dad about Kara showing up. "I know nothing of her arrival," Jarnelle says. Clark asks why he's never heard about his uncle Zor-El before. Jarnelle says that Zor-El was not about the greater good and cannot be trusted. Jarnelle thinks Kara can't be trusted either. He says Clark's human feelings about her could betray him. Clark says his human feelings are part of who he is. "Now, what about my training?" he asks. Well, we're gonna start you on drive-thru, then the front register and when you're ready, we're moving you to the grill. That's when you know you've made it to The Show. Jarnelle warns Clark that Kara poses a greater threat than he believes. Thanks, Dad. Can we start the fucking training now, Yoda?
Lair of Lex. Lex is holding a drawing of someone with flowing hair. Shia LeBeouf? Kate Winslet? Lex is putting the finishing touches on the drawing. His new assistant comes in, asking if he found the person he was looking for. Lex, always demanding, says he's got someone new he wants to find. Rebound Girl! He shows the dude the drawing. He says it's not much to go on. It's also not very good. Sir. Lex says it's all he has. Lex says that woman saved his life. He wants no resource spared in finding her. Lex just sits there and we close on that. The search is on. But do we still care?
week: Lana returns. And the world dies a little.