Clark and Kara go to the Smallville Harvest Festival, where Kara decides, after seeing three of America's Top Bitches, that she should compete in a beauty pageant. Let's see: you ate your spaceship, your priceless Kryptonian artifact is missing and could destroy the world...why not compete for a crown and some roses? Awesome thinking. Clark and Kara clash on his big brother-like tendencies, and blow up an innocent watermelon as he tries to teach her to control her powers. Lana arrives at the barn on the wings of cherubs, bathed in elemental light and with beautiful music playing. Is this Season 2? She and Clark instantly get back together, even though she pretended to be killed. Clark doesn't seem to mind. Lex shows up later, at Lana's request, and has arranged things so that Lana can come back to town without being sent to jail. Lex offers a divorce settlement, but when Lana says she doesn't want his money, he reminds her that she quietly stole $10 million from him. For her "escape." I guess bad wigs are pricey in China. Lex vaguely threatens to spill the details of her thievery to Clark. For some reason, Lana doesn't want Chloe to know that she's alive, but she walks right out in public with Clark, and nobody seems to notice that the billionaire's dead wife is alive and well. The three whores who pissed off Kara turn out to be thieves who win pageants and can control the weather. They freeze one of their own and try to get Kara to go along with their theft of a treasure map (!) that was in a town time capsule. Kara defeats the evil beauty queens when they almost hurt Clark with Kryptonite. It turns out that the treasure map leads to a Kryptonian S.O.S. symbol buried a hundred years ago. It's evidence that there's at least one other Kryptonian around on Earth. Jimmy comes back to town and, at one point, is saved by Kara. Kara has a huge crush on Jimmy, and he doesn't seem to mind her too much, either. Gross. Chloe is resistant to pursuing news about Kryptofreaks, even though Jimmy now believes everything she used to say about Smallville. And finally, Lex tracks down his angel, Kara, and confronts her with his knowledge about her having saved him at the dam. She denies it. Lex is really disappointed that a Kent superhero won't cop to the truth. He asks whether Kara's a savior or a warning. If this all sounds like the makings of a good episode, you may be right. The end result, however, didn't turn out so well.
So, I was holding my baby just before I started here, and I smelled the foulest odor. I thought maybe she'd laid down an epic spot of poopie-diaper. Then I breathed a sigh of relief...it was just this episode.
We open on a huge orange banner across the main street of town, proclaiming the 100th Annual Harvest Festival. Those crazy sign-making kids graduated high school and got themselves jobs doing banners professionally. Sadly, it's not as rewarding as they'd imagined. After the 50th "Corn Sale!" the thrill sort of leaves you. The camera pans across a sea of orange and yellow. We swoop down to see Kara and Clark. He's taking bushels of corn out of the back of the truck while Kara complains that she's been cooped up in the house watching Project Runway and Beauty and the Geek and now the first time Clark takes her out, it's for a corn festival. I don't even want to think about why Clark has her watching those shows. Clark says it's the town's biggest event (except for all the murders!) and that she should try to enjoy it. Kara, who is wearing an awful red plaid shirt to match Clark's blue one, says they're wasting their time here. Whereas watching Beauty and the Geek was time well spent. She reminds Clark that her father sent her here and that she needs the crystal for her ship. The ship that she ate? Clark says that he's working on it. She complains that the crystal isn't here with all the corn and that she can cover twice as much ground as Clark. Clark tells her that her wings are clipped and that she's not going to be flying. Jealous? Clark says that the people who took her ship are going to be looking for her and that if she uses her abilities, it'll lead them straight to her. Clark, who looks a little bloaty in this scene, tells her she has to fit in. The plaid is a good start. Kara, who kind of has a skeleton's skull shaped head, looks dejected. She sees Jimmy Olsen shooting photos with his expensive-looking Nikon. "How do I fit in with him?" she asks. She traveled twenty-three galaxies to have a crush on Jimmy Olsen? Oh, lordy. This is gonna be a looooong fucking season.
Clark is like, "Who in the WHAT now!?" Kara's eyes start flashing weird and bright. She looks shocked. "Hey! Cool down!" Clark tells her. The pre-female-eyejaculation settles back. Clark, embarrassed, tells her it used to happen to him all the time. Oh the shame! The awful shame! A mayor type unveils a giant slab commemorating some damn thing. Clark explains that there's a town legend about a famous outlaw (who shall remain nameless). He robbed a train and buried the loot in town somewhere. A map to the gold is supposedly hidden inside a time capsule that's being unearthed. Kara X-rays the box. She asks why people in town are excited to open up a box of old junk. Their biggest event of the year revolves around harvesting crops. You figure it out.
Suddenly, some very loud guitar riffing is heard. Is this "Hot for Teacher?" A red convertible approaches with three hot women inside. Is that ZZ Top? The three ladies, in very revealing clothes, sashay out of the car. Is that Exposé? My 80s musical references officially end here. It's a blonde, a brunette and an African-American lady. They do exaggerated model poses as they pass by all the fuddy-duddies of the Harvest Festival. One guy in a Chia-pet-looking green sweater leans over and goes, "Ooh!" One guy who looks like Napoleon Dynamite just stands there, his upper teeth jutting forward in approval. A thirteen-year-old girl standing to him is already so over this. You and me both, sister. The girls, the "fierce" ones of the episode title, runway strut ahead. Clark looks embarrassed to even be gazing upon them. We see a tiara on a podium. The girls approach. One of the ladies of the Bitches' Brigade tells people to get out of their way. She says the "Miss Sweet Corn" crown is hers. Hey, lady, you can have it. All you get as a prize is an ear of corn rolled in some sugar. Jimmy takes photos. We get to see the still-frames. Jimmy, mindful of not wasting film (hey, wait a minute...), only takes one photo of each girl. Kara picks up a flyer for the heretofore-unmentioned pageant: there really is a "Miss Sweet Corn!" On the full-color flyer, a pleasant-looking redhead who is a bit reminiscent of MamaKent gazes wistfully into the distance, the tiara safely on her head. Kara sees the girls filling out papers. She tells Clark that maybe fitting in won't be so bad after all. It takes Clark about ten minutes to figure out what she's going to do, but when he does, he looks really weary. That's the look I'll have on my face for the thirty-eight or so minutes.
Opening credits. Commercials. Beauty and the Geek. Wow, what a total coincidence this show was mentioned earlier!
Kent Farm. Clark is on his knees, trying to repair some kind of motor. Ah, for the days when Clark being on his knees in the barn really meant something. We hear a bark, and our old pal Shelby appears. Hey, Shelby! We thought you might have gotten euthanized when MamaKent moved to D.C. or something. It's good to see you alive. Clark says hi to his "buddy" and asks if Shelby got kicked out of the house by Kara. Clark tells Shelby they can hang out in the barn. Aw. Lana's face suddenly appears, walking into the barn, bathed in warm, glowing sunlight, accompanied by beauteous music.
Let us pray. O Lords. In the names of Al and Miles, bless this scene that it be Lanariffic. Bless our (almost) virgin, Lana Lang (strike that "Luthor" from the holy scrit), that she may be dewy fresh; that her creamy skin be lit just so from that perfect angle which Al and Miles hath decreed. May it please Al and Miles, let the sunshine cast a warmth upon our Lana so inviting that it wipes our memories of everything foul that hides behind her preternatural smile. We ask that you deliver us from Chloe and that you praise Lana above all others, for she does bless us all with her divine, all-encompassing, supreme perfection. Amen.
Lana watches Clark as the pretty music continues to play. She wears jeans and a white baby-doll top. Clark is really cranking that tractor engine. Lana walks slowly toward him. I totally expect Kara to whoosh into the room, totally naked. Shelby barks at Lana. Clark says, "Uh-oh, looks like she found us." He asks Kara to hand him the Phillips-Head screwdriver. Would an alien really know what one of those looks like? Lana puts a hand on Clark's shoulder. Clark thinks suddenly, "No, we're cousins, we can't, no matter how badly we want to!" He turns and sees Lana. He drops his tool. This is the part where he's supposed to scream, "Lana!? What the FUCK!?" She just stares at him. Clark tilts his head, indicating that he's a little skeptical that this is actually happening. I mean, this is Smallville. Shit be freaky in this town; Clark has reason for doubt. Lana puts a hand on his cheek. Clark, still doubting his own eyes, leans forward and...hugs her? Really? No kiss? Maybe he thinks she might still be dead and that she's got grave breath. Clark closes his eyes and smiles in relief as they keep hugging in the barn.
A pair of really high heels are walking down the street. It's the blonde from the Bitches' Brigade. She's talking on her cell phone. She's telling someone that she's done letting the other girls call the shots, and that this time, it's her turn. Fierce! A guy walking by with his son looks at her like, "I'd like to taste some of that! As soon as we get a turkey leg and some cotton candy. Mmm, turkey leg." Blonde Ambition tells the person on the phone that by the end of the week they'll be in Cabo. Is that some sort of tantric position? "I'd answer the phone, but I'm currently In Cabo. With Sting and Trudy." She walks into what looks like a flower shop with a bunch of large windows. She stands facing the street in front of one of them. As she talks, there's a blast of cold that covers her and the windows with frost. A petal falls off one of the flowers. Remember when they made a horror movie about Jack Frost? And then they made a family movie about Jack Frost that was even scarier? Man, that was terrible.
Kent home. Clark and Lana are sitting on the couch. Quietly, he tells her that he thought she was gone. Clark was a lot more gullible than the rest of us. We were hoping she'd disappear effectively for at least half a season. "If you knew how that felt..." he tells her. Lana says she's so sorry. She says she never wanted to hurt him. She thought faking her death would be a kick! Fun! Come on, you gotta admit it was a great joke! Laugh, dammit! Clark is hurt that she didn't trust him enough to let him help. "I was trying to protect you," Lana says. Oh yeah, that old clunker. Did you take that out of the old show hope chest? As in, "I hope this recycled excuse for motivation works for the hundredth time." Lana worried that Clark would rush in and try to save her, even if it meant risking his own life. He is sort of indestructible. It's kind of a good way to be. Clark blinks a lot. Lana says that when Papa Luthor threatened to hurt Clark, she couldn't take that chance. Clark says it's a little ironic hearing someone else say that. Clark's definition of irony is this tiny. [Omar holds his fingers very close together.]
Instead of demanding answers to about a hundred more questions, Clark just chuckles and says he can't wait to see the look on Chloe's face when she finds out Lana is still alive. Will it be a look of complete horror? "She can't," Lana says, "not yet." Lana says she committed a serious crime and wasn't supposed to come back. Can you really be busted for blowing up a plastic version of yourself? I mean, Lex gets away with murder, literally, like every week. Or at least unexplained deaths, like his lawyer in his jail cell. Did somebody confess to that crime, too? Lana says she needs to clear herself before she reappears in town. Clark tells Lana to stay at the farm with him. He promises she'll be safe. Clark starts to warn Lana that his life has become a little more complicated. As he's finishing that thought, Kara appears in a tiny red bikini, trying to balance a book on her head. The book is How to be a New Female Character, the Smallville Way. Chapter One is all about big tits in bikini tops. Lana notices Kara. The camera glides up from Kara's high heels to her book-carrying head. In case we might have missed anything there. The body is banging, to be sure, but at what cost, show? "That might be an understatement," Lana says, giving Clark the dagger eyes. Ladies, ladies, please! Don't get all weird on me now. We can make this dead girlfriend/cousin/beefcake sandwich work! We just need a little...mayonnaise.
Clark, amused, introduces Kara as his cousin. Lana is suddenly all smiles. Instead of looking down on earthlings, Kara puts a hand on her hip and says she's going to be the Miss Sweet Corn. Check out those kernels! Clark does a cute little fake-laughing thing and tells her that when he said she should be fitting in, he meant with more clothes. "You mean undercover," Kara confirms. Clark says this is "not-covered." He asks her to go change. Kara isn't too happy about that. "Now!" Clark says, all Christopher Walken. Kara whooshes out of the room and whooshes back behind Lana. She's wearing pants and a white shirt. Lana, amused, says at least she knows what side of the family Kara came from. Lana excuses herself to let Clark and Kara talk. Sure, you can go. You only just returned from the dead. I'm sure Clark would rather hang out with his castrating cousin than the love of his life who was, in his mind, exploded into a million bloody pieces. Lana exits with only a touch of Clark's arm. This is the worst relationship ever.
"She's nice," Kara says, having figured that out after three seconds of interaction with Lana. "There's hope for you yet." I guess in a week where Lois doesn't appear, it's up to Kara to take all the dialogue shrapnel. Clark lectures Kara about how entering a beauty pageant isn't fitting in; it is, in fact, a way of totally standing out. Kara says it's like being captain of the football team. She walks to a picture of Clark in his football gear that we can barely see. Kara boo-hoos about how, while Clark was living the American dream (a really mopey dream), she was stuck in a cryogenic coffin losing the best years of her life. Homegirl: you didn't lose a day. You haven't aged! And your home planet is blown up! Were you planning on going back to ninth grade in Smallville? Make sense, lady! Kara says she doesn't want to miss out on anything else. Since when did pageants become part of Kryptonian teen years? Clark gives up. He figures she's as stubborn as he would have been. He wants to help her control her abilities, though.
Playful music. In the barn, Clark places a small watermelon half on a bale of hay. He tells Kara that this is all about control, which she doesn't have. She asks if this is necessary. Listen, sister, the episode is barely forty minutes long. This week, all of this crap is necessary. "Get back to me when you can fly, Earth Boy," Kara says. Ouch. Clark says she almost lit up the whole Fair. Ew. That could have been ugly. Kara says Clark is a little uptight. She says he gets that from his father. Clark, annoyed, says he's not going to let her expose their secret after all his years of hiding it. "Watch and learn," he says. He spits out two little eyejaculate pellets and then a straight beam. The watermelon, still smoking, bears a burned-in happy face on it. Nice! Clark turns the melon around and asks her to try to put a "mug" on it. She says, "Please. What am I, like, five?" She shoots eye beams and blows the damn melon up. Melon gets all over Clark. Oh, Gallagher! Kara is somehow completely clean. Clark tells her she's not ready. He thinks that out on that stage, too much can go wrong. Kara says she'll fit in, but she's going to do it her way. She storms out of the barn.
The Talon. Apparently, the pageant is being held there. Inside, the ladies are in the dressing room getting primped. Kara doesn't really know what to do. She stares at her own face. She watches other girls apply makeup. She overhears the two girls from the Bitches' Brigade. One of them tells the other that there was a problem with Girl #3, but that she took care of it. Kara goes over to them. She asks if they might be able to help her, since their makeup looks so good. The brunette tells Kara that she needs help with more than just her makeup. She tells Kara to go grow some corn or something. Kara, genuinely hurt by these puny earthlings, goes outside. She runs back into the alley. She notices all the dead flowers across the way and the frost on the window. Wow, this rock music is really loud. Kara wipes a circle into the frost. Inside, she sees Blonde Bitch frozen to death, a look of horror on her face. Neat!
Commercials. Saw IV. Because having saw'd it three times just wasn't enough for some viewers.
LuthorCorp building. Inside, Lex is still wearing his wedding ring. He fingers it with his thumb, deep in thrall. The creepy government dude from last week walks in, saying it must be such a relief being exonerated for murder. Eh, you know, it's OK. Lex recognizes him as Agent Carter from the Department of Domestic Security. Carter nods like, "Yeah. That's me. Suck it, Homeland Security." Lex says his men (oh, his men) have been following Carter's team as they found the spaceship. Carter mumbles his lines, saying that he didn't think the mystique of his anonymity would last long against a Luthor. Aren't you a government employee? They probably just looked you up on Google. Lex is surprised they have to be at odds and that the gauntlet has already been thrown down. Carter says he's not a fan of small talk. Oh, just kiss, you two. Carter says he wants to talk about Lex's latest obsession (fine Hickory Farm cheeses? Oh, wait, that's my obsession). He pulls out a folded-up piece of paper bearing the sketch Lex drew of Kara. Carter says Lex's men have been showing it around town. It's creepy, man. Knock it off. Lex scoffs. He asks why the government would be interested. "Because you are," Agent Carter says. No, you are! Mwah! I'm telling mom! Somehow that lame line shuts Lex up.
Daily Planet. Jimmy is showing Chloe a photo of his that ran in the paper. It's two old dudes with very little clothes on, holding their arms up to show the lack of muscle. One of them has a duck floaty around his belly. The headline says, "Polar bear brothers share swimming sport." Chloe says that it gives saving the polar bears a whole new meaning. Jimmy has had his fill of Speedos and hairy shoulders. Chloe smiles at him and says she's glad he's back. Jimmy, wearing a funky brown bowling-style shirt, says he's come back bearing gifts. He shows Chloe a photo. It's the dead Miss Sweet Corn contestant. Chloe hasn't already heard about this? She says she can't just run down to Smallville to investigate. She has stories to file. Jimmy is surprised. He says this has "meteor freak" written all over it. In crayon. Jimmy says it's exactly the kind of story their new editor wants.
Just then, Boy Editor appears, talking on his cell phone. He's telling someone named "L" (Lois) that he's not sure a Judas Priest reunion concert at Madison Square Garden counts toward her per diem. You could expense it on your taxes, but that would be BREAKIN' THE LAW, BREAKIN' THE LAW! Oh man, I just had the most awesome moment. Jimmy mouths "'L'?" to Chloe. Chloe rolls her eyes. Boy Editor tells Lois to email her story and that they'll talk about Rwanda when she gets back. Rwanda? The Hell? Boy Editor notices the photo that Jimmy was holding. "Whoa, frosted beauty queen! Not bad, Sullivan!" he bellows. Boy Editor is totally excited and thinks he's the one responsible for lighting a fire under Chloe. Jimmy introduces himself. "Right. Panda boy!" Boy Editor says. Er, polar bear, Jimmy corrects. Polar bear boy? Is that much better? "Listen. Chloester," Boy Editor begins, and he tells her to get down to Smallville and to take Panda Boy with her. He says that if she gets the scoop before any other paper, she might follow in her cousin's footsteps. You mean to tell me that the Smallville Ledger won't already be all over this? Boy Editor walks away. These are bad times in journalism. Chloe picks up a stapler and asks how much blunt trauma it might cause to the back of his head. Jimmy tells "Chloester" to show him what she's got. So Chloe's mad that her editor assigned her to a juicy story? Oh, Chloe. Did you and Lex both get mind-whammied or something? Jimmy tells Chloe that now's her chance to step out of the shadow of Lois, who's grabbing all the glory. Grabbing all the glory? She was working for a tabloid last week? My God. Everything has just turned to shit, hasn't it? Jimmy asks if Chloe is going to let her cousin beat her out of the basement. Chloe takes another look at the photo. Lots of reaction shots. Filler, filler, filler.
Kent home. Clark is in the kitchen with Lana. He tells her that now he knows what his mom and dad felt raising a kid with powers. Lana says he turned out well. "Well" is a relative term. She thinks Clark should maybe go easy on Kara. Clark says that she's new to town and doesn't understand what could happen if her secret gets out. He thinks she's a fireball away from blowing up the whole town. Now that would be worth watching. Lana sympathizes that Clark has had to hide his whole life. "No, adjusting," he corrects. Oh, Clark used to whine all the time that he wasn't able to be himself in public. Lana says that Clark's parents trusted him to figure things out on his own (they really didn't); she thinks Kara deserves that same chance. Yeah, let her discover crack, red Kryptonite and white slavery. It'll be fun! Lana tells Clark not to be too hard on himself; she says he probably won't ever understand the heart of a teenaged girl. Except that Clark is practically a teenaged girl himself. Clark says he never imagined having this conversation with Lana about his powers. Clark says he can't believe he didn't think Lana would understand. She says Clark didn't know her as well as he thought he did. Can we...please...just...move on? Please? God. Am I gonna have to say another prayer?
The Talon. Reanimated Jackie O. (with pearls, even!) is trying to choreograph the ghastliest pageant stage show since the year they all were doing the dance from "Thriller." All the girls are wearing normal dance gear. Kara, on the other hand, is wearing huge red leggings, a tiny powder blue skirt, and an unfortunate, fugly blue and red leotard top. I can't even fully describe it because it burns my fucking eyes to see it directly. They're doing some kind of freaky line dance, these contestants. Spirit fingers, girls! They're given a five-minute break after doing nothing more strenuous than turning their heads to the left. Kara is all smiles. Jimmy is there, taking a bunch of photos of her. Just her. It's...uh...not too subtle. He waves. Chloe who?
As Jimmy keeps taking pictures, the new sheriff talks to the pageant director about the dead girl. Jimmy keeps taking photos. He can see the two surviving Bitches' Brigade members looking worried. The pageant director says the three girls entered the pageant at the last minute. She says she doesn't know anything else about the dead girl.
Backstage. The two contestants talk. The girl with the giant hoop earrings asks what else was she supposed to do when the other girl wanted out of the group. Let her go, maybe? She thinks they should just hit the time capsule and go home. Isn't the whole point of the time capsule that it has a map to some treasure? The other girl says they need to do this pageant, because it's the perfect distraction. She wants to stick to the plan. Jimmy takes another photo of them. They get so annoyed that Stick To The Plan tells Murderess to "Do your thing."
Outside, Jimmy is getting into his car. He's calling Chloe, who was supposed to meet him. They didn't drive together? What's up with that? Jimmy says he's got a major lead. Just then, the vents of his air conditioning fill up with frost. The whole car gets very cold. Instead of getting out of the car, Jimmy tries to adjust the air. Everything gets icy around him. Jimmy himself becomes a Jimmy Pop. The door handle breaks off as he tries to escape. It's cold! Jimmy huffs and puffs. In the rearview, he can see the evil contestant. She had her hand on the trunk of the car. Then she takes off. Jimmy, cold as ice, tries to reach the other door handle. And then, it's Kara to the rescue. She rips off the car door. Evil Weather Girl watches Kara. She's like, "Oh, SNAP!"
Commercials. We Own The Night. Could I borrow Friday, please?
Kent Farm. Lex enters through the back door. As is his wont. He finds Lana sitting at the dining room table. Lex says he got her message. He says it would have been a little awkward if she'd come to the mansion. It's less awkward to have to meet her at her ex-boyfriend's house? God, Lex, grow a fucking pair already. Lex tries to take a chair, and Lana snaps, "Don't sit down. You won't be staying long." She invited him over. Let's just remember that. Lex says this isn't a conversation he's been looking forward to having. He says he wasn't ready. Lana reminds him that he promised to take care of everything and that she could come back to Smallville. Lex says that the D.A. has, with some persuasion, agreed to drop the charges against Lana and that the evidence has been destroyed. He says the felon who was bribed by Papa Luthor to confess to the crime died of natural causes. Wait. What crime? Lana's still alive. There was no murder. Lex says she's a free woman.
Lana, bathed in holy light, just sits there. Lex asks if Lana might not see that every horrible thing he did was because he truly does love her. She's sitting in her boyfriend's house. What do you think? "No," Lana says, "you can't ask that." Lana walks to the door to try to get Lex to leave. He tells her that his lawyer is drawing up the settlement. Lana says she doesn't want his money. He asks if that also includes the $10 million she skillfully siphoned out from under him. Busted! Lana says she was trying to escape. To her own island? Lex says he applauds her (why, exactly?). He says that not everybody could manage a coup like that. There's a coup in my stomach over this scene. Lex says he's not sure Clark would see things that way. Lex mentions Clark's cousin. "From Minnesota," Lana says. He says he looks forward to meeting her. Lana watches him go.
Smallville Medical Center. Jimmy is in a hospital bed. Kara is watching him through the window. Chloe and Clark show up. Oh, nice of you to join us, Chloe. Were there some interesting stories you had to write on the way? Chloe thanks Kara for calling them. Does Kara have a cell phone already? Clark says he saw the door she ripped off. He asks if anyone saw her do that. Kara, pissed, asks if Clark thinks she screwed up just like he expected. Kara says she was trying to save Jimmy's life. She thought Clark would be proud. And then she walks off. Chloe sides with Kara on this one. Would you side with her if you saw Jimmy giving her the Penis Eye? Clark, who showed up at the same time as Chloe, somehow knows that Jimmy only suffered a little hypothermia before she does. "I know," Chloe says. Clark was talking to us. She says she hopes the sun is shining when he feels better.
Chloe hands Clark a file on the Weather Girls. She says they were all caught in some freak storm during the last meteor shower. It was really freaky. Clark asks why they're turning on each other over a crown. Chloe, addressing the news clips she just handed Clark, says they've been traipsing all over the Midwest. We see a newspaper headline about mud wrestling (why couldn't this episode have been about that?!) and one about ring girls for a prize fight. Chloe says her personal favorite is the one where they were Oktoberfest maidkins. Hey, I love that one, too! Go sausage and beer! She says that every time they show up somewhere, there's a heist. Chloe says it's perfect; who would suspect vapid eye candy of being "white-trash cat burglars?" I know I've been calling them the Bitches' Brigade, but saying they're "white trash" is going too damn far! For shame. Clark says they're after the map. Chloe says it'll lead them to the treasure. Treasure? Who says "treasure" these days? What is this, a pirate ride? Chloe says there are supposed to be tons of gold bars buried. I'd settle for a Toblerone. Have I mentioned lately how goddamned delicious a Toblerone bar is? If it weren't for their deleterious effect on my shape, I could eat one of those bad boys every day for the rest of my life. At least while I still have teeth. Chloe says those gold bars could be the motherlode of all buried booty. I thought that was Anna Nicole Smith. Chloe and Clark are grimly satisfied that they have a motive for these grisly acts.
Backstage at The Talon. Kara tries to make herself pretty. It's not hard. The two thieves are waiting for her. In skimpy lingerie. I think I have dreamed what happens . They act nice to her all of a sudden. Kara brings up their dissing and says that maybe it's true that she doesn't belong here. One of the girls says she's sorry she was so harsh; she says it was before she knew Kara was special. They say she's a talented girl. They start working her up with lipstick and telling her that she has powers just like them. Kara asks how they have powers. Brunette says they were in the right place at the right time during the last meteor shower. They say she's not alone and that they need her. Annoying crap rock won't stop playing in the background. The girls mention the treasure hunt. They show Kara an old photo of some dudes in a tent, surrounded by delicious non-Toblerone gold bars. Kara notices a Kryptonian crystal hanging out in the corner of the photo. She's in! This music is burning holes in my ears. I mean, second holes.
Commercials. Subway. Do they still make sandwiches? I thought by now they would have expanded into mass transit.
A siren wails near the site of the Town Podium. There's a mess of crap and papers all around it. How dare someone defile the Smallville Podium! they'll go after the statue of Jebediah Springfield! The Bitches of the Brigade, wearing leather, see that Kara has already double-crossed them. Wow, we miss a lot during the commercials.
Talon. The pageant is on! Clark walks in, not having time for all the boobies on stage. Kara walks down the runway, wearing the same red bikini. Wow, the fifth girl is totally hotter than any of the other contestants. And with that, I've totally fallen for Al and Miles's trap. Forgive me. I am but a man. The Bitches are the last two whose names are called, and they overdo it with the model poses. Boooo! Miss Sweet Corn will be announced soon. Clark squints at the stage. It's hard containing all this eyejaculate!
Stately Luthor Manor, nighttime. Apparently, Lex and Agent Carter are continuing a conversation they started days ago. Lex is explaining that the woman in the sketch is someone who saved him. Not just from drowning, but from drowning in his evil ways. Well, she just really fucked the show up then, didn't she? Maybe she should stick to pageants. Carter finally gets it. "Oh. An angel," he says. Yeah, we have a bunch of those in cold storage in a warehouse, to the Ark of the Covenant. Lex says that no mortal woman pulled him from the river, so he says Carter can stop looking for her, since she doesn't exist. Lex says he can help Carter focus on the real target: the spaceship. Lex offers his research from the dam, which his about 300 gigabytes. Doesn't seem like that much, to be truthful. Lex hands over a hard drive. He says his work was to prevent some calamity he fears is inevitable. Carter asks why Lex would incriminate himself by offering this research. Lex says he feels it's time to reach out to the government for help. Lex asks if they're on the same side. Carter just walks away.
Crowning time. Which, I have learned, also happens during birth. All the lay-days are in their formal gowns. Clark is still just standing there watching, surely blocking someone's view. The new Miss Sweet Corn is...Kara Kent! No way! She gets the crown and the sash to go over her baby blue dress. The Old Miss Sweet Corn, the girl from the flyer, hands her a giant bouquet of flowers that includes a giant sunflower. Kara thanks everyone for making a newcomer feel welcome. By ogling her body. The sheriff comes out right then, telling everyone to stay seated. Wow, that's really tacky to try to arrest someone right when they're getting the award. The sheriff, assisted by two deputies, tells Kara to come with them. He says they were tipped off by Kara's friends. He handcuffs her. "Kara Kent, you're under arrest." Drama! Clark keeps standing there, doing important work as a witness.
Jail. Hey, this was Lex's old cell. Wonder if he left any interesting posters or hairs behind. Kara immediately sets to bending the bars for her escape, but Clark is right there to push her hands and make them go back to normal. Clark, angry, asks her what she was thinking breaking into the time capsule. That she'd find some exceptionally bad salt water taffy? Kara tells Clark that the treasure from the map is Kryptonian. Clark spins on Chloe, like, "What did she just say to me!?" Clark asks why Kara wouldn't tell him. Kara goes on a rant about Clark's patronizing watermelon tutorial, his reprimands, and his general disinterest in everything she's done. Clark asks her where the treasure is. Kara offers to show him and starts to take apart the bars again. "Nooo!" Clark yelps. Ha. Clark asks her to give him the map. Kara says she can't do that, because when they were taking her away, there was a freak gust of wind (those pesky freaks!) that blew the map away. Chloe is sure it was one of the Weather Girls. She asks Kara to tell them what she saw on the map.
Cut to a view of the map. The Bitches are looking for the treasure, but having no luck. They're digging in a parking lot without anyone noticing. They found a small box, but no gold. They open the box and pull out a small Kryptonian crest. It's blue. "That's it?" one of them says. Yep. That's this episode for ya. Clark is there. "That doesn't belong to you," he says. The girls say it does now. They make a tornado come out of the hole in the ground. It spins and spins. Kryptonite rocks swirl out and fly toward Clark. He falls on his side, hilariously. Seriously, this is a damned funny fall. He lies there, groaning. One of the Weather Girls puts a high-heeled boot on Clark's chest and says he's not as tough as he talks. "But I am!" Kara says. She smacks one of the girls, who goes flying into some trash. All right, this was even funnier than Clark's fall. I think I saw some wires. The other Bitch looks over with interest, but doesn't act. Kara hovers over and does a somersault kick, very Chun Li. Oh, this episode just gets funnier and funnier. This was the easiest fight ever! The other Weather Girl goes flying, probably with spinal damage. Kara tries to go to Clark, but he warns her to stay away because the rocks could kill her. Kara eyejaculates at the rock and makes it explode. Great, now Clark has meteor rock in his fucking eyes. Thanks a lot, cuz. In the strangely inconsistent world of this show, however, the million pieces of Kryptonite harmlessly disappear. Clark gets up. He should be bleeding out of every orifice right now. Kara hugs him and apologizes for not listening. Clark thanks her for not listening. He says Kara saved him. He adds that it's not how he would have done it, but she needs to learn her abilities her own way. She asks if that means he'll stop telling her what to do. No. That's not gonna happen. Clark says that's what family is for. Big grin. Timpani.
Commercials. Applebee's. We will fry any damned thing that you are willing to eat.
Kent Farm. The Barnness of Epilogueitude. Clark is holding the shiny little crest. He says it can't be from Kara's ship, since it was buried a hundred years ago. Clark doesn't recognize the symbol, either. He thinks it's a code. Kara sighs. She says it's some sort of S.O.S. She thinks the Kryptonian who had the symbol must still be on Earth. Clark asks how many Kryptonians have been on this planet. Kara thinks maybe Earth might play a bigger role in their fathers' plans than she realized. Kara says she'll be trying to fit in while they find this person. She holds up a Talon apron she'll be wearing in her new coffee-slinging job. Ugh. The coffeehouse rite of passage. Kara says she won't be living her life in suffocating repression like Clark has. Clark repeats the phrase. "Hey, it's your language, I just studied it," she says. Clark says, "Our language. You're one of us now." Kara reminds Clark that he's not human and he never will be. Clark says this is his home and everyone he loves is here. She asks what'll happen in fifty years when everybody he loves is gone. She tells him that hiding on the farm and growing old with Lana isn't going to happen. She goes down the stairs.
LuthorCorp. Lex is at his desk, still staring at his sketch. His major domo comes in. Lex asks what he's got. "We found her," the man says. "Just where you said she would be." Slinging coffee?
Talon. Nighttime. Jimmy and Chloe are walking, hand-in-hand. He congratulates her for getting on the front page. She's just glad they saved Jimmy from the frozen-food aisle. Jimmy mock-shivers. As they're about to walk upstairs to Chloe's apartment, Jimmy stops her and says he used to think she was prejudiced and quick to rush to judgment. Uh, thanks? He didn't used to believe her theories about Smallville. But now he thinks she's right about meteor freaks. He says sooner or later, they all snap. Chloe looks grim. Jimmy says it's open season on the infected from now on. Chloe tries to smile. She turns around and sees Kara, who is picking up her bag from the pageant stage. Jimmy stares at Kara with his lovestruck eyes. Chloe turns and sees the look. Jimmy is so busted. He says, "Why don't we go upstairs?" He's got a raging hard-on all of a sudden. Yeah, let's just see how long this relationship lasts.
Harvest Festival. Clark and Lana are walking together. In public. And not being mobbed by paparazzi. I guess Lana went public with Chloe. Lana says it feels good to be back despite everything that's happened. Lana says she was afraid Clark wouldn't forgive her for marrying Lex. Or for leaving. Can we just skip this? Please? Jeez. Clark says nothing could ever change the way he feels about her. He says he's made mistakes. She corrects that they've both made mistakes. This show has made mistakes. Lana says this is their chance to start over. Clark sighs. He hopes she knows what she's getting into. Lana says she knows exactly what that is. She says she came back for Clark. "For us. I never want to let the past come between us," she says. Lana says she wants them to wake up every morning and be there for each other. She puts her hands on Clark's face. "I want to grow old together," she says. Er, about that... Clark just smiles.
A nice song is playing that I actually like. Kara is closing the door behind her in the alley behind The Talon. "Tell me it's not too late for a cappuccino," Lex says, appearing creepily. Why not try the front door then? Kara says they're closed. "Even for the owner?" Lex asks. Kara says that technically she doesn't work there until the day. She says she came to pick up a bag she left. So this is happening right after the Jimmy/Chloe scene. Lex thanks Kara for saving his life. "I know it was you. At the river?" he asks. Kara walks away and says he has her confused for someone else. Lex reminds her that she ripped the roof off his car. Wasn't it a police car? Kara tries to play it off. "You were there," Lex says, sternly. He's getting annoyed. He says it's all right and that he promises not to tell anyone. Lex says her secret is safe and that he's already protected it like he would have protected other secrets if people close to him had told him the truth. Lex says he's hoping to change that and he just needs her to be honest. Kara shakes her head and says the only secret she has is that she makes a lousy cappuccino. She says that's probably not a good thing to confess to a new boss. She walks away. Lex stops her, saying that twice he's been pulled back from the brink of death by a member of the Kent family. Lex says he doesn't believe in coincidences. "Sooner or later I'll find out the truth," Lex says, "are you a savior? Or are you a warning?" Kara just stares at him. She has to think about that. We go to black.
week: Dean Cain! Evil Dean Cain!