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When last we left Clark, he was getting his super-ass handed to him by a phantom named Bizarro Clark, who is a cool, jerky version of Clark with a deep, husky voice. Reeves Dam busts open, sending water everywhere, as a burst dam tends to do. Clark saves a kid and his dad by using heat vision to evaporate all the water. All the animals dependent on that water are like, "Thanks, asshole." The police car that Lex was put in falls into the water. Just before he's going to drown, he's saved by an angelic-looking blonde. She takes him to shore and flies away. Papa Luthor, washed-up and unconscious, is whisked away by the hands of an unidentified person. Chloe, still somehow alive, is taken to the hospital. Her vital signs are all over the place, and then she dies. But not really. She's taken to the morgue and reawakens, calling for help. Clark hears her and rescues her. Chloe doesn't want to talk about her super-teardrop from last season (neither do we, frankly), but she's sad to hear that Lana died. Bizarro Clark grabs Lois's ass and tries to get it on with her, but she forgives him. Lex, feeling saved by an angel, decides to turn himself in for Lana's murder even though he didn't kill her. His lawyer doesn't think he'll fare well given some tape-recorded evidence, but Bizarro Clark shows up to allay those fears: he kills the lawyer, who now never has to worry about going to trial. Clark asks Martian Manhunter for advice on stopping Bizarro Clark. They have a conversation that seems to last for weeks, but the conclusion is that Clark's humanity is his greatest strength and his biggest weakness. Yeah, we knew that in the first season. Also, Clark's power comes from the sun. He never realized he was particularly lame on cloudy days? Because Bizarro Clark seems to have the opposite strengths and weaknesses, Clark figures out a way to stop him. They fight, and Clark knocks the sucka into the sun. Problem solved! Clark ruminates on the nature of hate. He also decides to finally follow his destiny instead of trying to be human. Yeah, chew on that until week, dude. Meanwhile, in Shanghai, China, Lana lives! She's wearing a crappy blonde wig and having to pose against a really fake-looking background. You call that living? Lex goes to jail. He does not pass Go. No $200. It's humiliating in that Kelly Clarkson sings as they put him away. At the end of the episode, we see Lex's blonde savior from earlier, wearing a strange and tight red-and-blue top and a silver bracelet. She stands up and flies off into the night. Wow! What a super...girl! Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Hello, everyone! Hope you had a lovely summer. I spent mine cleaning up poop and listening to horrible cries at night. On a completely separate matter, my wife and I also had a baby girl. Her name is Lilly Grace. The show did not inspire us to use all those Ls, we swear.
I don't even remember what happened last season, such is the state of my baby-making brain, but I'll fill in the blanks as we go, I guess. We open on a calm stream in the daytime. A boy is complaining to his dad that the fish aren't biting. Child, you will fish and you will like it, until the foul memories of our ruined lives make spiritual bait for The Big One! Now, FISH! The father, really done up in the entirety of the L.L. Bean catalog, tells the son that this is the best fishing spot on Earth. I think the gentlemen on Bassmasters would disagree with you, sir. The man tells his son to be patient. Their dog, who must suffer the humiliation of being made to wear a red bandanna, thinks fishing sucks, too. The dog notices before the man and his son that Reeves Dam has a giant hole in it. If you freeze-frame it, it looks like the guy who does t-shirts at the mall airbrushed a hole and gushing purple and white water coming out of the dam. Gnarly, dude! He should put the Rush logo above it. The camera shakes a little for emphasis.
We cut to somewhere within the dam's ruins as Lois is dragging Chloe's unconscious body across some water. Lois tells "Chlo" to hang on.
There's a big crash. Outside, more of the dam is falling apart. Lex, sitting in the back of a police cruiser after getting arrested, looks at it. This does not bode well for a speedy trial. The dam completely falls apart and floods the bridge where the police car is sitting. In the resulting flood, we see the police car get washed away. They're going to wash that crime right out of our hair.
Clark Kent, he of the bright red jacket and blue t-shirt, wakes up in the woods. He took out an entire tree when his body flew up against it. I hope you plan on planting a sapling to make up for that later, Kent. Clark looks around, sensing danger. You don't have Spidey-Sense, dude. A Clark-shaped missile lands to him. Clark looks up. It's Extra Crispy Bizarro Clark. Bizarro's face goes from fragmented and silver to Clark-colored. The camera angle is low and Extra-Crispy Clark is huge! Original Recipe Clark says that he has to get back to the dam and help those people. Bizarro kicks him in the face. Original Clark smashes into a rock and makes it fall apart. He's really making a mess of this wooded area. Give a hoot, Clark! Bizarro Clark, who is affecting a low, watery, almost Jame Gumb-like accent, asks whether Regular Clark ever wonders what would happen to the humans if he wasn't there to protect them. Gee -- Iraq, maybe? Clark stands. He's got a bloody lip. He wipes it with his sleeve (it's all right, the jacket's already red) and says that Bizarro knows nothing about him. Au contraire, mon frère! Bizarro says that he knows everything about Clark. He didn't just borrow Clark's DNA: he also took Clark's memories and thoughts, "every last twisted one of them." Now, for some weird reason, he really loves twisted cinnamon stick pie. Mmmm, pie. Bizarro says that when he's living Clark's life, he won't make the same mistakes. He steps forward into a very fake-looking shaft of sunlight. Bizarro's face goes all metallic again. When he swings, Original Recipe Clark is able to block the punch, Daniel-san-style. All that fence painting and car washing paid off! Regular Clark hits Bizarro with an uppercut. Bizarro goes flying through a tree, breaking it in half. That's two saplings now, Clark. Bizarro keeps sailing off and takes down a set of power lines. Well, I guess that's all there is to worry about now and -- oh no, rushing water!
All the water from the dam is heading perilously toward the fishing kid, his dad, and their dog. Maybe now this'll be the best fishing spot on Earth. Fishing Dad grabs his slack-jawed boy and tells him to run. The father trips and hits his head on the world's tiniest boulder. Somehow, he knocked himself out with a rock that could have easily fallen into his shoe. The kid, who maybe would be better off in foster care anyway, tries to wake up the father. The water is coming! Then, suddenly, it freezes. In Clark-time, our hero stands in front of the rising tide (how is the tide rising at this point?) and aims his hot peepers at it. His heat vision sends hot energy (mind magma, if you will) through the entire rushing river. He boils and boils and boils. The entire contents of the dam suddenly dissipate into hot steam. It's like a sauna out here! "We really needed that water, Clark," the woodland creatures say. "Thanks so much." Rather than Clark's heat vision having singed and destroyed everything around, the woods look just fine. I call bullshit. Clark gives the kid, who should be dead from all the hot geothermal activity, a little smile and a nod, and zips off. "Whoa!" the kid mutters. "Hey, by the way, my dad is still unconscious. I don't think he's breathing. Do you think you could help me get him to the hospital, Mister? You have to run off and do other things? Oh, all right. I'll just stay here and cry then. Thanks, Mister!"
Opening credits. They're still the floating 3-D titles, with a few small changes. Lex is now second-billed, followed by Lana, Chloe, Lois, Jimmy (new to the credits), and something called a "Laura Vandervoort." I suppose (spoiler alert!) we'll be seeing Supergirl soon. "...And [Papa Luthor]" is last in the credits. No more MamaKent, sadly.
Back at the messed-up dam. There's still a pool of water that Clark didn't somehow waste. Deep in the water, the police car's lights are still flashing. The engine is still running? Really? The camera glides into the vehicle, where Lex is struggling to get out. The water is rising in the back seat. He kicks and grunts. He takes a last breath and looks out through the window. He calms down. Hymnal music plays. Within shafts of light, Lex sees a floating angel in gauzy white fabric. She's just floating there. You know, in A.I., the kid had to wait a long time after seeing his underwater angel to get any satisfaction. Everything goes grainy and slow-motion. Lex just stares. Is this a Duran Duran video?
We go to the electrical tower Bizarro Clark was thrown into. He's got a giant steel spike coming out of his side. As a dark truck approaches, he manages to slide himself off the painful metal shaft. "Hey, buddy, you all right?" asks the guy from the truck. Bizarro Clark, smiling deliciously, is doing just fine now. He blasts the guy with some serious eye-fire. The man in flames writhes on the ground. Guess you won't be needing that truck. F-250? How about Fahrenheit-250!? Bwah ha ha ha! Bizarro's face goes metallic once again.
Dam. Lois is still dragging Chloe's body through the collapsed ruins of the dam's tunnels. She places Chloe's head on a comfy rock. Lois goes to a door with a window on it. She stares inside and sees rubble and dead bodies floating. She gulps. Something touches her hand. Lois jumps. It's a little boy, the one who was possessed a while ago and very scary. "Help me! Please!" he says. Lois kneels down and tells the kid that everything is fine. I'm sure we'll get some closure on this loose plot point soon.
Original Recipe Clark is running through the dam's wreckage. He calls out for Papa Luthor. He sees what appears to be Papa's glove sticking out from under a rock. Only it's not! Outside, we see Papa Luthor's body washed up against some broken trees. Somebody wearing gloves similar to the one Clark saw, and a dark trenchcoat, grabs Papa Luthor and drags him away. We don't see the person's face.
Lois is screaming for help. The boy looks at Chloe. "Is she dead?" he asks, as if to say, "What the fuck have you gotten me into, lady!?" Lois says she's just a little hurt. Yeah. A little. Lois tries to move some of the wreckage, but nothing happens. Then there's a sudden blast as a bunch of material moves. Regular Clark is there. Lois asks how he did that. He says they're lucky it just happened to cave in all of a sudden. Lois hugs the boy. Clark notices Chloe. She's still dead, it seems.
The Barnness of ImitationClarkitude. Bizarro Clark has found a piece of Kryptonite, the one Clark keeps stored away for emergencies. Bizarro, who still has a bloody lip, rips off his shirt and goes to stand by the full-length mirror, all, "I'm awesome!" We don't see his whole chest. He jams the rock into the wound in his side. It glows green. He grins maniacally. Both sides of the wound heal. He wipes the blood from his mouth. That was bizarre! The rock is now all dark.
A shore near the dam's water. Lex wakes up, face down, in some sand. He looks up and sees the water angel. She's standing, blocking the sun. She bends down, still wearing her white gown. Then she quickly flies away, right into the sky. The camera cranes down from up above to watch Lex as he gazes at the sky in wonder. The angel shoots across the sky again, from left to right. If you pay her $50, she'll fly a banner for your small business across the sky.
Commercials. I barely know anything about Feist and I'm already sick of her. Thanks, Apple!
Smallville Medical Center, the health facility with the smallest lighting bill in the country. Chloe is in the ER. She's very purple. They get a chest tube ready. Outside, Lois is sad. Clark asks her what happened. She's reluctant to tell the story; she wonders if she dreamt it. Lois says she remembers getting stabbed in the gut. She says she called Chloe, and then she got a chill; she passed out. Lois lifts up her shirt to show Clark the stab wound. There's nothing there. Lois, who looks like she hasn't slept in a while, says that there was a warm light around her, and that suddenly she was healed. Chloe was lying a few feet away, unconscious. Clark brings up Lex's experiments. Lois wonders if maybe Lex's men did something to her while she was unconscious. And to Chloe. Lois says she can't just stand her waiting. You know, Lois, you're gonna feel pretty silly if you leave and Chloe dies while you're gone. Lois says that she's going to go find out what Lex did to her. Clark warns her that Lex is dangerous. Lois spins on him and says that she's not stupid: the doctors told them Chloe's vital signs aren't normal. (They would have told her that?) She plans to go to the mansion and take her chances "with Dr. Evil." Lois wonders if Lana can help her do some digging. Clark is going to tell Lois that Lana is dead, but Lois brushes it off. She says that she can't stand another heart-to-heart about Lana, and that she's barely keeping it together; another ounce of emotion will push her over the edge. Clark keeps his mouth shut. Lois tells him to make himself useful for once and stay at the hospital to make sure nothing happens to Chloe. Clark's like, "Check! I can do that!"
LuthorCorp headquarters, Metropolis. Lex is sitting behind his fancy desk, staring at his wedding ring. He looks distraught. How did Lex get back to Metropolis? His very smartly dressed lady assistant glides in with some henchmen. She says that the helicopter is waiting and that they can have Lex out of the U.S. in two hours. "I was dead," Lex says to her, "and there was this light. And an angel..." The woman stares at him like she's crazy. Lex asks why the angel would save him after all he's done. Lady Domo tells the henchmen to secure the stairwell. She says that nothing's getting in or out except for that helicopter. She tells Lex that he's wanted for his wife's murder, and that they need to hurry. Close-up on Lex's ring finger. "Her soft skin...and her hair...that half-awake smile when she saw me come in, like...she didn't know if she was still in a dream," Lex says. Oh, geez. Lana, again? Your marriage was over, dude! Get over it! You never even consummated it! Tears filling his eyes, Lex says that Lana was all he was living for. Lady Domo says she's sorry for Lex's loss, but that they have to get him airborne right now: the police are on their way. "I'm well aware of that," Lex tells her. "I'm turning myself in." In...to what?
Lex's office back in Smallville. Lois, wearing a strange red top that looks like it belongs on a flight suit, pokes around. She turns and runs into Bizarro Clark. He looks at her lecherously and asks where she's been hiding. She doesn't bother to ask about Chloe, walking past him. Bizarro Clark stares at her ass, which really isn't on much display in her plain jeans. His metallic self flashes as he continues to stare. He makes a really goofy face. Lois turns. "Hey!" she says. Bizarro's still staring. I guess he's looking for cameltoe now. She asks why he isn't watching Chloe. "Man, how can a guy miss what's been in front of him all this time?" asks Bizarro. Myopia? He walks up to Lois. She warns him of a personal-space breach. He circles around her and says that she's looking for a guy who doesn't play by the rules. She scoffs: "On what planet is that you, Smallville?" He says he'll take her to whatever planet she wants, and grabs a hunk of her ass. Lois jumps and goes, "Whoa. Hey!" She slaps him. If it were the real Clark, her hand would be broken. Instead, Bizarro must be a little bit weakened by his arousal. He walks past Lois with a half-smile, telling her in a low voice, "Maybe time." Lois stares after him as he leaves.
Medical Center. They're still working on Chloe, who's gone from purple to gray. She's still got a heartbeat, but isn't responding to treatment. A doctor tells someone to check the monitor because her readings aren't possible. Chloe goes into cardiac arrest. They juice up the defibrillator. Clear! Why are they doing this through Chloe's clothes? They zap her again. Nothing happens. A third time. Sad music plays. The doctor calls the time of death as 13:48. Is this a military-time hospital? They stick a sheet over Chloe.
Commercials. A sale at Kohl's! I'm so there.
In a cold, blue place (no, not Best Buy), Chloe wakes up. She looks around. Her shoulders are bare. She's covered to her chest in a hospital sheet, stuck in a steel box. She starts to bang on the sides, yelling for help. We cut to a shot of the Smallville Medical Center morgue, where Chloe's been filed away.
In the hallway, Clark is waiting for news. A doctor asks where Lois went. Clark says that she just left. Clark, anxious, asks if Chloe is all right. The doctor says she can't give Clark any information until Chloe's family is notified. "No," says Clark quietly. "No." He rushes into the ER. A kid's head is being examined, maybe for head lice. They tell Clark to get out of there. Clark asks what happened to Chloe. Somebody tells him, "She didn't make it." Clark wanders back into the hallway, grimacing. Everything goes blurry and slo-mo again. Clark spins around and hears noise from all around, including screams and police sirens. He hears crashes, but one voice breaks through, saying, "Clark! Somebody help me!" It's Chloe. The view returns to normal as Clark knows what to do.
Chloe, in her morgue drawer, keeps banging. A door opens, and somebody slides her out. It's Clark. Completely freaked out, Chloe looks around, asking what happened: "Why am I in a morgue?" Clark says the important thing is that she's alive. Chloe notices the tag on her toe: "But I wasn't alive, was I?" Clark takes the tag away. Chloe asks for Lois. Clark says she's fine. He thinks Chloe must know that better than anyone. Chloe tells Clark to turn around while she gets dressed. Clark says he knows about the stab wound Lois is missing. Clark asks Chloe to tell him what really happened. As she finds a lab coat and puts it on, she thinks for a second, and then tells Clark that she was too busy being unconscious to notice what happened. Chloe dismisses Clark, saying she doesn't have time for 20 Questions. Clark asks if she shouldn't at least get examined before they leave. Chloe doesn't want to be turned into a lab rat. She notices her death certificate on a nearby clipboard, and takes it. Below that is a death certificate for Lana Luthor. Chloe looks to Clark, raising her eyebrows. Piano music plays. Yes, let us mourn Lana, who died on this show for, what, almost a whole episode? Geez, draw out the dramatic tension, why don't you? Chloe frowns.
Someone is playing a recording of Lex and Lana's argument last season -- the one that ended in the slap heard 'round the world. Lex stares sadly at the tiny recorder as he sits in a holding cell. "That's the last time you'll ever touch me," says a pink voice. A man in a suit stares at Lex as he holds the recorder out. "What are you going to do, Lex? Kill me?" Lana asks. Lex flinches at that. The man -- one of Lex's right-hand guys, named Keating -- says that with that kind of evidence, he doubts they'll get bail. Lex says he's not worried about himself; he wants to know the status of the recovery at the dam and, more specifically, "Model 503." Is that one of the models from Deal Or No Deal? Keating says they're still looking for 503. "My father?" Lex asks. No, your father is not 503. He's Papa Luthor. Keating says that Papa is still unaccounted for, and that they have to find Lex an alibi. Lex says he didn't get miraculously saved just to avoid facing his demons. He thinks he was brought back to save them. "Be careful what you wish for!" says Bizarro Clark. He grabs the bars of the cell and rips the whole panel out, neatly. "I looked for you at the mansion," says Bizarro, longingly. "We had a date, you bastard!" It's the Gayest Look of the Episode. Keating is suddenly feeling underpaid. Bizarro reaches out and punches Keating in the gut. Keating grunts. He looks down. Bizarro Clark's hand is in his tummy. And it's not going to make it all better. Bizarro pulls out some guts. Keating falls. Bizarro throws the guts on the floor. This is going to be the best rat day in jail ever! "Phantom," says Lex. "You took Clark's body." He doesn't add, "It was mine first!" Bizarro says he took just a few cells: the real Clark is still out there, and Lex will help Bizarro kill the farmboy. He says he needs lots of meteor rocks. Lex says he'd never help this dude kill Clark. Bizarro is like, "Oh, come now." He says that redemption doesn't suit Lex: "Why protect a Clark Kent who hates you when you can help the one who wants to be your ally?" He's really working that deep voice. I think he's got a furry animal down in that throat. Bizarro stares, saying that it's what Lex has always wanted. Lex has to think about it.
Commercials. Transformers is out on DVD soon! I think we can all agree that this movie could have been really horrible. As it turns out, it was only slightly objectionable.
We pan up on a Dell laptop (with brown faux-leather on the outside?) and Chloe's face above it, crying. I still have a hard time believing Chloe wouldn't be using an Alienware or MacBook Pro laptop. Chloe is watching a video of herself and Lana. We don't see the actual video; we just hear them cavorting and giggling. Clark watches sadly from across Chloe's apartment. Chloe, still crying, says it's hard to concentrate with Lana gone. She stands up and hugs Clark. Clark's eye twitches, and he says there are a lot more people who could get hurt right now. Chloe says that denial should be their friend. She asks why Bizarro Clark replicated Clark instead of inhabiting him like the phantom did the others. Clark says that the phantom needed a Kryptonian body to become whole again. He adds, ominously, that he doesn't know how to stop this dude. He says it's not like he can just fly after the guy. "This guy can fly?" Chloe asks, "God, Clark, you gotta get on that one!" Ha! Best line of the episode, by far. Clark, afraid of heights, looks sheepish. She asks where Bizarro Clark is now. Clark says that before he hit the guy, his face distorted, like he was hurt. She asks why Clark's doppelgänger would weaken if he didn't. Clark thinks that everything affects him the opposite, like the strength he gets from Kryptonite. Chloe thinks Bizarro will go after more meteor rocks. Clark says that Oliver's been tracking Lex's Kryptonite shipments for his 33.1 experiments. That's a lot of experiments. The .1 is really just a science fair project. Chloe starts tapping away on the laptop. She somehow finds a record of a bunch of rocks transported to the dam a few weeks ago. I guess we're going back to the dam, huh? Damn. Chloe asks how they'll take him down if he gets to the Kryptonite first. Clark says he doesn't know, but that he is aware of someone who might have that knowledge. Dramatic music!
The Barnness of Badassitude. Hey, it's Martian Manhunter! The camera admires his torso, and we pan up to see his red glowing eyes. Hey, buddy, good to see you. Can I get you a bag of Oreos or something? Some milk? Clark, dressed down in a t-shirt compared to MM's awesome black leather jacket, asks how Martian healed himself so quickly the last time he left; he was pretty hurt. MM says he just left the Earth's atmosphere. Now it's time for the lecture. MM says that, while he was gone, Clark did what he's always trying to prevent: he unleashed a carbon copy of himself. Clark says, "Only without my--" Clark begins. "Humanity," Martian Manhunter finishes. Clark asks what he's supposed to do, let him kill all his hosts? Martian Manhunter says that this is the toughest trial Clark will face. (Tougher than conquering The Gay?) He says that Clark's humanity is his strength, but also his greatest liability. Yeah, we kind of know that. Haven't they been saying this for going on seven seasons? Clark whines that it's part of who he is: "And it's who I want to be! I'm proud that I was raised to care about people and I'm not gonna apologize for it anymore!" Also, he's good enough, smart enough, and gosh darn it, there's a small number of people who still like him! Martian Manhunter says that this creature was discarded at birth as a poor imitation (of Clark?). He says that the creature was shown no conscience or compassion: "He knows only one thing. Survival." If that were true, wouldn't he just go off and escape instead of continuing to try to kill Clark? Wouldn't that be a quicker path to survival than tempting fate? Clark asks how he can stop someone with all of his powers and none of his weaknesses. MM says that Clark can take advantage of what he takes for granted every day. The audience? MM gestures out the window. Clark walks over. MM says that compassion isn't all that gives Clark strength. "The yellow sun," says Clark. Yes, that one! Clark figures out that it was the sun that distorted Bizarro's face. MM says that it may be the only way Clark can defeat him: "I can help. But it's your battle." This is pretty much the only help Clark is going to get from him right now, incidentally.
The dam, buster. Lex and Bizarro Clark are wandering through its tunnels. Lex says that the meteor rocks should still be there. Lex points to a room. As Bizarro walks, Lex tries to be slick and pick up a big grenade launcher as he asks Bizarro, "I may have tracked you around the globe, but clearly you're not a native. Where are you from?" He wants to know why Bizarro only wanted to replicate Clark. Bizarro just walks toward Lex, saying that Lex has a decision to make. I think he just made it. Bizarro: "What's more important? Destroying me? Or solving the mystery of Clark Kent?" If Lex hasn't already solved the mystery of Clark Kent, he's got much bigger problems to worry about than this lunkhead. Lex's mouth works at a solution. Bizarro zips out of frame and appears behind Lex. Lex turns. Bizarro easily grabs the gun. "Wrong decision," he says. He smacks Lex in the chest, sending him flying comically against some weird giant green collapsible tubes. I half-expect Super Mario to come popping out of one. 1up!
Bizarro Clark grins, all full of evil and vengeance urine. He opens up a steel door to the glowing green stash. Hey, who decided to grow weed in here!? We see a familiar red shape whoosh across the broken dam. As Bizarro Clark enters the Kryptonite storage chamber, Regular Recipe Clark watches. Bizarro flexes his chest, and everything goes blurry as he powers up. Clark, outside, watches in horror. The green chamber is now white. I guess he drained all the good stuff.
Bizarro spins on Clark. His metal face flashes for a second. I thought that was only supposed to happen when he was weakened. And how did he fly before, in direct sunlight? This show makes no fucking sense. The two Clarks face off. Deep-voiced Bizarro says that Clark had every pleasure at his disposal and he wasted it. Clark is like, "Tell me more about these temptations. Are they in the phone book? Are they discreet?" Bizarro says that Clark doesn't deserve this life, but Bizarro does. Original Recipe Clark gulps. Bizarro makes a little hand motion for Regular Clark to come and get him: "Come on!" Regular Clark rushes at him. He jumps into the air and tries to bring down the hammer-hand. Bizarro Clark just sticks out his two fists and pushes them at Clark's breadbox. Ow! Regular Recipe Clark makes a hilarious face and goes flying backward. He sails through a column, causing more destruction. Bizarro comes toward him. Regular Clark is lying amid rubble and a bunch of warm-looking sunbeams. Aw, he's like a kitty! Bizarro gives him a disgusted look, and then walks away. Leaving him alive. Nonsensically. Original Clark wakes up, like, "I can't believe he left me alive!" He starts to get up. A bloody wound on the back of his hand instantly heals from the sunlight. Use the force, Clark! The force of...the, uh...sun! Triumphant music plays as Clark gets on one knee. We pan around his face, where another wound, this time on his cheek, heals. Bizarro is still walking away instead of using his powers to fly or zip off. "Hey!" calls Original Recipe Clark. Bizarro's super-hearing didn't clue him in that his greatest enemy is still scuttling about? Rubble is falling from the ceiling as Regular Clark asks, "Is that all you got?" You wouldn't think so, huh? Bizarro steps forward, into the sunlight. His face goes metallic. "You're no match for my strength," he whispers. Say it loud and proud, dude! Regular Clark smiles. Bizarro Clark rears back and punches Regular Clark in the face. Clark's mouth smooshes, like he's a character in Fight Night 3. Original Clark turns back to Bizarro. He uppercuts the dude, sending him flying through the ceiling. Bizarro Clark flies toward the sun, pieces of his face falling off in green chunks. As he's flying toward the sun, a red blur follows behind him. The red shape -- which if we looked closer, might be girl-shaped -- grabs Bizarro Clark and whisks him off to the side, away from the sun. Dodgy! Back in the dam, Clark smiles in triumph. It will be short-lived.
Commercials. The Season 6 DVD set! You can hear my voice on one of extras, fleetingly.
Kent Farm, daytime. Clark is listening to an old transistor radio from about fifty years ago; an announcer's saying that the fairy-tale marriage of Lex and Lana is over, and that Lex is being held for questioning, even though he escaped with Bizarro Clark. Chloe enters through the kitchen door, without knocking. She's sporting serious Chloevage. The radio says that Lex was apprehended at the dam and that no funeral for Lana has been set. Chloe says she knows Clark wants to be alone, but that she wanted to try to get more than two words out of him. She turns off the radio. Clark says he'll take a rain check. Chloe congratulates Clark for sending "the evil Bobbsey Twin" into space. Clark mutters about whether he's just as evil as Bizarro Clark. Oh, shut up. He says that when he heard about Lana, he went to find Lex; he wasn't going to let Lex get out of there alive. Clark says the irony is that it was the first time he really understood Lex. Isn't it ironic? Clark says that loving someone is difficult, but that "hate is so...clean." Well, hate has scrubbing bubbles. Chloe says that maybe Clark needs to feel right now, and that anger is a natural human emotion. Clark says that when he was staring at Bizarro's eyes, he saw the monster he could become if he wanted to. It's nice to have options. Clark says it was a reminder that he's not human. Chloe reminds him of the people he's saved. She says that Clark is one of us now, and the fact that he's from a galaxy far, far away only adds character. She says she's here. Clark says that it goes both ways. He wants to know what happened at the dam. Chloe shrugs it off. "When you're ready --" Clark begins. "Thanks," says Chloe, cutting him off.
Lois enters, abrasively, also without knocking. She's still wearing that weird red top. "I forgive you," she tells Clark. "For what?" he asks. Lois says that it was traumatizing enough the first time. Lois says that Chloe has some explaining to do as well. Clark apologizes for whatever it was. Lois knows he didn't mean it, and that he was just in shock. She says she heard about Lana on the news. She hugs Clark and says she's sorry. She advises Clark on making it through the trauma, but warns, "If you ever grab my ass again, I will be taking your head with me when I go." She takes off. Clark doesn't know what to say. Chloe chuckles.
The Barnness of Epilogueitude. "Your father would be proud," Martian Manhunter is telling Clark, up in the loft. He says that bravery isn't something you can learn. Clark asks how much bravery it takes when you're getting pummeled. MM praises Clark for taking responsibility for the phantoms. Clark wonders if he's allowed himself to become weak by caring about all the humans. Martian Manhunter says that these people in Smallville have made Clark who he is. Clark says that they won't always be here. He says that losing Lana has made him realize that everyone will be gone someday. He blah blahs about ignoring his destiny and how he's been trying to be something he'll never be: human. Oh, Clark. You are so tiresome sometimes.
Chloe at her apartment. She holds her death certificate in her hand and lights it up. Flames devour it in the stainless-steel sink. Kelly Clarkson sings the song "Sober" as Chloe watches the fire.
In slow motion, police lead Lex in handcuffs to a jail cell. What makes them think he won't escape again? And will he be tried for Keating's death? I'm guessing not. The song continues, talking about three months and sadness. Lex looks at a tiny photo of himself and Lana. He doesn't have a wedding photo?
Prepare yourselves. This is bad. Shanghai, China. We go from a city view to a busy street. The camera zips in to see Lana Lang, wearing the fakest shoulder-length blonde Kim Cattrall wig ever. She's also wearing a tight bright red dress right out of Miss Saigon, in stark contrast to the more conservatively dressed women walking around her. The background looks really fake. Lana arrives at a dark but nice apartment, and pulls off her wig. Her long brown hair falls right out. Haircut, maybe? Lana opens the shutters and stares up into the daytime moon. The light goes to darkness.
We see Clark at the barn, looking up at the same moon. Kelly Clarkson starts to belt it out. I can't help it. I love that girl.
Lex's angel is now a woman in a weird red and blue top, sitting on top of a water tower. She looks down at a silvery bag and pulls a heavy silver bracelet out of it. She puts it on her right hand. Barefoot, she stands up. She puts her hands on her hips. Then she pivots, raises her right hand, and flies up into the dark sky. She loops around as we pull and see the tower and part of The Talon. This super...girl flies toward us and up. We go to black.
week: is this girl trouble? We'll soon find out.