The last Phantom Zoner is kicking it in Quebec, where Martian Manhunter goes and hunts it down. It looks like an exorcism, but Manhunter gets the bad end of the fight when the creature wounds him and jumps out of its current body to go inhabit some other human. Lex and crew try to capture the beast, but it gets away. Lana tells Clark that she's leaving Lex. She plans to go into hiding. Clark, in an effort to keep her around, tells her the rest of his secret: that he's a space alien. Lana thinks that's totally hot and kisses him. He neglects to mention how his meteor shower pancaked her parents. Whoops! Spoiler! Lana reveals that she married Lex to protect Clark from Papa Luthor. Clark confronts Papa Luthor, but finds out that Papa really was trying to protect him by getting Lana to spy on Lex to get info that could help them to get rid of the last Phantom Zoner. Martian Manhunter shows up and confirms this. Papa is Jarnelle's "Emissary." That's what was up with all that Kryptonian symbol scribbling. The Clark/Papa feud is quashed. MamaKent heads to Washington with a goodbye scene that doesn't really do her justice. Lois tries to figure out what the sequence of numbers Wes Keenan was saying last week meant. Were they an HD-DVD hack? Lottery ticket numbers from Lost? Turns out it was coordinates for the Project Ares headquarters. Lois heads out there. Lana tells Lex she's outtie. He takes it badly. Lana confronts him about the fake baby ordeal, but Lex denies that he did anything. Lana tells him that she loves Clark more than she'll ever love him. That one stings a bit. Papa Luthor tries to find Lana before she heads out of town, but arrives just in time to see Lana enter her SUV as it blows up. It looks really staged and fake, so we must prepare ourselves for the possibility that Lana isn't dead, but just hibernating in a tree for the summer. Papa tells Clark the news. Clark is upset, but not so devastated that he can't find time to go give Lex an ass-kicking. Lois tries to infiltrate the Project Ares base, but gets stabbed in the gut by a guard. Chloe finds her there, already dead. Chloe cradles her and cries. A single tear from Chloe lands on Lois's forehead and heals her in a shining white light. Unfortunately, it appears to kill Chloe. When Lois wakes up, Chloe is sitting to her, lifeless. Lex is able to capture the Phantom Zoner: the monster is in the body of a little boy. The little boy gets loose and kills Number One. Lex abandons the lab, all but salting and peppering Mr. Science to feed the hungry PhantomChild. By the way: doing the evil-kid thing was way cheesy here. Lex finds Clark as he's trying to escape. Lex doesn't know, or pretends not to know, about Lana's death. He goes outside and is surrounded by police, and gets arrested for the murder of Lana Luthor. Clark fights the phantom. The phantom grabs a piece of Clark's DNA and uses it to become a copy of him. It's Bizarro Clark, according to the dark-clad version of Tom Welling. Papa Luthor tries to save the day with some Kryptonite, but it only makes Bizarro Clark stronger. Papa Luthor is knocked unconscious as the Reeves Dam is falling apart and getting ready to drown everyone. Clark is knocked out of the facility. Bizarro Clark flies away, liking the shapely contours of its new farmboy body. And that's the end of Season 6.
Summer vacation! It's so close I can taste the lemonade and strawberry margs. Oh, wow, tart. All that stands in my way is...aw, damn, are you kidding me? The finale of a season where characters have been inconsistent, Clark has been relegated to "Maybe he'll turn out all right, but it's not looking promising," and Lex has finally reached the Evil Lite stage? Yeah, I can't freakin' wait. Bring on the soggy, aged fireworks. Maybe we'll actually get a bang or two out of them.
We open on a small hut in Baie-Saint-Paul, Quebec. There's a crescent moon in the dark sky. It's cloudy. A woman inside the hut is at a stove, boiling what looks like someone's dirty underwear. With good reason, she's crying. She hears a creaking door. She calls out, asking if it's Marie. Or Pierre, perhaps? Javert? At the door is a man. We can't see his face but something from him is glowing red. French Lass tries to close the door, telling him (in a subtitled way) to leave them alone. The man says he's come to save her father. French Lass slowly opens the door. Hey, it's Martian Manhunter! Cool! His eyes stop their red glowing. He is grim as he walks into the home. The woman says she thinks her father is dying. From wearing hot underwear. Martian Manhunter goes into the bedroom. A wild-haired priest is there, holding a small wooden cross and saying prayers. A shirtless old man is in the bed, twitching. It looks like the guy from Metallica's "Unforgiven" video. The priest sees Manhunter and intensifies his prayer. "Back away!" Manhunter says in French. The priest fails to back away. The old man opens his eyes. They're totally black. Close-up on his face. He looks like a vampire; his skin is all waxy as he sits up. Manhunter's eyes glow red again. The old man reaches into Manhunter's stomach and pulls out some guts. I have no idea why Manhunter just stood there and let that happen. Maybe that's why he came. Special Spleen Delivery! Manhunter screams as the really mean old man takes the guts. They are gooey, as you would expect. French Lass whimpers. Martian Manhunter rears back and smacks the old man in the face. Bitch, don't be taking my innards!
The priest finally decides this is a good time to stand up and back away. Old Man Monster rears back and smacks MM. He goes flying, creating a hole in the roof, Looney Tunes-style. We see a red streak in the sky as Manhunter flies off. The beast eyes the priest. The priest grabs French Lass and tries to get her away as she screams and cries. They reach the living area, but the old man is already there, waiting. Give me my hot undies! Ark ark ark! NOW! "Papa, no!" the young woman cries. A bright light shines in from outside, distracting Papa. We hear a helicopter. The windows all glow from the search lights. Soldiers start smashing through the windows instead of just using the big hole in the roof or trying the front door. You should have seen these guys in training. They broke every dish in the commissary. The soldiers, each with a single light on his helmet, surround the old man, pointing big guns. Unwisely, Number One and Lex risk their lives by entering the room. "No bullets," Lex tells everybody. They need the guy alive because a monster is inside him. To prove this, the old man suddenly stiffens and reaches for his bare nipples. He growls. Something moves around in his chest. Everyone winces. The ugly Phantom Zone wraith flies out of his chest, up through the roof and out of the scene. The helicopter overhead fails to follow. The camera looks down through the roof hole to see Lex staring up. The old man is on the ground, a pool of blood to his stomach. This is just the beginning of Lex's very bad day.
Opening credits. I think we'll see some changes in these season. Can they be animated like the Pink Panther movies? Pretty please?
Commercials. What'll I do all summer without you, Toyota Yaris?
Stately Luthor Manor. Lair of Lex. Lex is on the phone, telling someone that the creature can't survive outside of a human body. Sounds like Wilt Chamberlain. Lex wants the eyes of every man, woman and child checked. Lex ends his conversation when he notices Papa Luthor standing in the room. Papa calmly grabs himself a blu botol of water from the bar and opens it. "You look worried, son," he says. I think he got a haircut. He asks if everything is all right. Lex, tense, says that Papa Luthor should know. Lex says that ever since he started wearing a wedding ring, Papa Luthor's been one step ahead of him. Papa says he doesn't have time for this and has things to do. Lex asks if Papa had a private screening of the DVD Lana stole from him. Sarcastically, Papa says he hoped marriage would ease some of Lex's paranoia. Lex says he has security footage of Lana opening his briefcase and watching the DVD. Lana didn't remember the security cameras, huh? Lex doesn't think Lana would do anything like that unless she was coerced. Papa chuckles. Lex says that it may be hard to believe, but Lana loves him. Yeah, about that...Papa says that Lex knows so little about women. Now, about strapping young farmboys, Lex knows plenty. Papa, standing in the background blur while Lex faces us in the fore, says that losing his mother at a young age didn't help Lex in that area. "Lana does not love you," Papa Luthor says clearly. Lex, angry, turns. Papa says that the only reason she agreed to marry Lex is that Papa gave her a gentle, yet firm nudge. Lex, stunned, says, "Using my wife against me? That's deplorable, even for you." Oh, let's just be an evil family, already. It'll be fun! Lex says that whatever was owed before, now they're even. "I want you out of my life!" Lex tantrums. Papa doesn't think Lex will get rid of him that easily. He smirks. Lex is a sad, broken man.
Kent home. MamaKent is staring at a photo of a young Bo Duke holding in his arms an even younger Clark Kent. Clark walks in through the front door as MamaKent stands in a hallway to the stairs. He says the car's ready. Clark, wearing a plain blue T-shirt, says that if MamaKent is half as good a senator as she was a mom, the country's in good hands. Sure, the prospect of a 1-to-49 vote really makes me sleep easier at night. MamaKent, wearing a flattering tan business suit, says she always thought Clark would be the first to leave the farm. Clark says that Washington D.C. is only a few more seconds away than Topeka for him. MamaKent says she knows this has been a difficult year for Clark. And for us, too! My poor, twisted hands! When I touch my wife, it's with bent, monstrous claws. She says it's been especially tough since Lex and Lana got married. Yeah, thanks for bringing that up again, Mom. Clark reminds her that she always says some things are just meant to be. MamaKent tells Clark that if he thinks he should get some distance by moving away from Smallville; that the farm shouldn't keep him here. Clark, taken aback, says that the farm is his home and that it's been in their family for over a hundred years. "Someone has to take care of it," he says. MamaKent tells him that it doesn't have to be Clark. You're kind of running out of family members, no offense. "Just because I'm leaving doesn't mean you have to stay," she says. The contract's through Season 7. And the show's not called After-Smallville. But I suppose if Clark could find a way to share his powers with the Pussycat Dolls.... There's a knock at the front door and it opens. A woman with a very bright smile tells them it's time to go. She's quite attractive. I don't want to tell you how to run your post-farm, single-woman life, MamaKent, but maybe you should, you know...experiment a little. Abuse your power a bit. Come on, it's Washington! Live a little! "I love you," MamaKent says to Clark. Clark digests that. They hug. "I love you too, Mom," he tells her. They're both sad. Wide shot of the hallway as they continue to hug. MamaKent pulls away, holding Clark's hands, then heads for the door. She turns for one last look. The camera loves her, but also respects her for her mind. Her lips make a sad little move and she closes the door. She's gone. We really, really loved you, MamaKent. Even when they wrote you badly. See ya on C-SPAN, Senator.
The Talon. The American flag outside waves g'bye to MamaKent. Inside, a crazy person's desk. Hey, why does it look like my work desk so much? There are stacks of cards bearing a number and the famous Wes Keenan military jacket file from last week. The camera pulls back to reveal Lois sitting at her laptop. Chloe enters. She asks if that's the look of a reporter on the trail of a hot story. How sad that Chloe doesn't recognize that look anymore. I believe Lois is a character vampire. Chloe should get herself checked for bite marks on her neck. Lois says that right before Wes died, he kept repeating a series of numbers. He got them from Hurley. Before he posted them on Digg. Lois says the numbers have to mean something. Chloe suggests they were his serial number, but Lois says they don't belong to any armed services branch she knows of. She says she's plugged the numbers into every search engine on the Internet. Did you try Google? I hear those Internet types really love their Googles.
Chloe is glad Lois hasn't found anything. She warns Lois, having been up against the "Lex Luthor army" more than once, that it's easy to step on a landmine and victory is elusive. Lois sighs. She says she's The General's daughter (do we have to be reminded every week?) and that she lives for battle. "Not the kinds of battles you can't win, Lois," Chloe tells her. Chloe has really given up on life, huh? And journalism. And being able to talk sense into people. Chloe reminds Lois about what happened to her mother and says she doesn't want someone else she cares about to be hurt by Lex. Chloe asks her to back off. Lois, unconvincingly, agrees. Lois says Lex will get his; it's only a matter of time. She tears up one of about a hundred cards containing the sequence of numbers, as if that means a damn thing. Lois just sits there waiting for Chloe to leave. Chloe says she has to "Rocket to The Planet," which is the dance move that all the kids are doing now that the season is ending. It's the summer jam! Chloe visited the apartment for about 20 seconds. That's a brutal commute. Lois puts together the piece of paper Chloe just tore. The eight numbers are split down the middle. She adds circles and lines to "" to create coordinates. "Longitude and latitude," she figures out. Lois is a genius! "No duh," she says to herself.
The best dam supervillain genetics lab, period. The dead body of a young man, including a ghastly stomach wound, is wheeled past Number One. Lex is told that it's a mail carrier from a nearby village who was found in his truck. Lex asks if the guy's blood has gotten them anywhere. Mr. Science, standing on the other side of the dead body, says there were no abnormalities or alien peptides. He says, in his erudite accent, that if the creature was in there before, "he's not in this guy anymore." "This guy"? Not "This gentleman" or "this chap" or "bloke" or "unfortunate soul?" Class it up a bit, man. If they hired you to sound like a British scientist, own it, man! Eat some damn crumpets dipped in tea or something. Lex says that Wes was a subpar specimen because the alien bits they used on him were from a dead body. Lex says they need a live host. Ryan Seacrest? Number One reminds them that the creature can only spend twenty-four hours in a body before it needs a new host. Lex tells them to set their stopwatches. Piggyback race? Lex says that the alien DNA is the only way to get his army going. He pushes a button to show off his giant warehouse of Wes Keenan bodies. Uh, Lex? Haven't you been staring at those shirtless guys a little too long? Do you have to do this every day? Lex's gaze is the Gayest Look of the Episode. We see the same shot as last week only this time, three bodies move to the side and are lit. Lex can't wait to get that Charles Atlas Seal of Approval.
Commercials. The Jack In The Box ball/CEO grew a beard. Disturbing...
Kent Farm windmill. The cows have already wrapped for the season. The Barnness Of Softlightitude. Lana is standing there, looking sad, her hair bathed in golden light. Why wouldn't there be another barn scene in the finale? They've done everything else they could to drive off viewers. Clark, wearing the red jacket, comes to the top of the stairs and finds her there. She turns. "I'm leaving Lex," she announces. Leaving him...some chocolates? Receipts for your joint tax return? Because last time you said this, it really didn't happen, so you'll forgive us for being skeptical. Clark, goofy, smiles. He says he knows he's supposed to say he's sorry, but that he can't. Marriage is for suckers, Clark thinks. Let's break a few vows, baby. Lana, wearing a weird, loose white top with a ribbon of fabric hanging down the front, says she came to say goodbye. To any semblance of fashion sense. Lana says that Lex is going to be very angry and that it's too dangerous here. She has to skip town. Why not go to D.C. with MamaKent? Clark says she doesn't have to be afraid of Lex. "I can protect you from anything," he says. Lana half-smiles. She steps forward and puts her hands on his belly. "You can't this time," she says. Lana says she's sorry.
The ethereal music of "Omg, this is the greatest love story evah, Clana, CLANA, CLANAAAAA!" begins to play. Lana says she's sorry. "Just know that I will always love you," she whispers. Cue theme from The Bodyguard. Clark squints his eyes like, "What the fuck am I supposed to do with that!?" Without a hug, Lana abruptly walks away and down the stairs. Clark watches her go, thinking, "Well, glad that's all over with. I can finally get on with my chores and my alone time and hanging around with Lois and -- oh, shit, COME BACK!" He superzips past her, down the stairs, to stand in her way. He says he can't lose her again. Clark wants to tell her the truth about himself. Lana says she already knows about his powers. Yes, but do you know about The Gay? Clark steels himself. "There's more," he says. "I'm from another planet," he says. Planet Lamewad in the Milky Sauce Galaxy. Angry Pant Crabs Nebula. Lana looks at him in wonder. Clark says it's called Krypton. Don't wear it out. It's light years away, and his parents sent him here to save his life, just before it was destroyed. Lana tears up. She gulps, sadly. "Lana, please say something," Clark says. She steps forward. And kisses him gently. They make out as she holds the sides of his neck in her hands. She smiles at him. I guess this would be a bad time to bring up the fact that his broken planet is what turned her parents into The International Parents Of Pancakes (IPOP). Lana says he's still the same Clark Kent to her. Now, remind me why this conversation couldn't have happened four seasons ago? Clark is relieved. He says there's no reason for her to go. "We can be together now," he says. "You'd be safe." Yeah, about that...Lana says that Clark wouldn't be safe. She says he has a weakness. Chocolate? Clark asks how she knows that. She walks past him to look at an interesting part of the wall in the barn. He asks if someone told her that. He thinks it was Papa Luthor. Lana gulps, looking nauseous. Lana turns back to him, but she doesn't answer. Forcefully, Clark says she needs to tell him everything she knows. It won't be a long conversation. Lana, blinking rapidly, looks sad and guilty. She says Papa Luthor threatened to kill Clark if she didn't marry Lex. "Boom" goes the dynamite! Clark, hurt, hugs Lana. There, there, little squirrel.
Papa Luthor is talking on the phone as he rides a LuthorCorp elevator. This has to be the scariest elevator outside of a first-person shooter game. It looks like you're on an evil spaceship, waiting to be probed in the eye-sack. Papa is leaving a message for MamaKent congratulating her for being the newest U.S. Senator. He says he has no doubt Capitol Hill will never be the same. The elevator door opens. Clark is standing there waiting. Pissed. Papa doesn't finish his thought. He asks what Clark is doing there. THIS! Clark grabs him and throws him down the hall after he says, "What I should have done a long time ago!" Clark whines that Papa Luthor pretended to be some sort of guardian angel. "But you're exactly the opposite!" Clark says. Ha ha. "Clunk" goes the dialogue! Would that be an un-guardian devil? A careless demon? Papa tries to tell Clark that he's got it all wrong, but Clark is already lifting him by the collar and thrusting him against the wall. Papa, being choked, tries to explain that he knows what Clark must be thinking if he's spoken to Lana. "I've listened to you for too long!" Clark yells. Papa says he's been tracking a wraith from the Phantom Zone and that forcing Lana to marry Lex was the only way to get close to his son. How about good old surveillance? He says it was the only way to get the information he needed to help Clark. Clark says he never asked for help and never will. Clark rears back for a punch. At sub-human speed. "You're not a murderer. You're Kal-El!" Papa sputters. You wouldn't punch a Tony Award winner! "Don't call me by that name!" Clark yells. We hear something whoosh into the room. It's Martian Manhunter. His eyes are glowing red. He grabs Clark's ready fist. "Stop!" he says. When his eyes go normal, he tells Clark, "This man is on our side." He's family. "He's an emissary of Jor-El," Manhunter says. Do WHAT!? Clark blinks. Papa Luthor continues to choke. Clark notices and releases him from the chokehold. This would be much quicker if Clark knew what "emissary" meant.
Lair of Lex. Someone on a speakerphone is telling Lex that the subject is en route and fully anesthetized. Like the audience. Clark tells Number One that he'll meet him at the base. Lex collects his jacket and prepares to leave. But there's someone at the door. Someone not in love. Lana, wearing all black, says, "Lex, we have to talk." Or rather, I need to talk. You just need to stand there and let your heart get broken; stand still. Lex says they most certainly do, but it'll have to wait until he's back later. "I won't be," Lana says. Lana says she can't live like this anymore. Lex says he can't blame her for not wanting to be in a lie of a marriage she never wanted. He says it must take a toll after a while. Angrily, Lana says, "You're the expert." She brings up the nursery and heirloom crib, the tears of joy in his eyes when he saw the ultrasound. "What kind of toll does that take, Lex?" she asks. A lot of quarters? He asks what in God's name she's talking about. What in Salty Satan's Sweet 'N Low are you on about, you crazy tree rodent!? Lana says it was a massive amount of hormones he injected into her body to make her believe she was pregnant. "What kind of monster are you?" she asks. The bad-ass kind that they make a Todd McFarlane toy out of, maybe? That would be cool.
Lex says he doesn't know where she's getting her information (could this be explained once and for all? Please? What really happened?), but that it's nothing but slander. He tries to touch her, but she slaps his hand away. She tells him it's too late to lie. "This marriage is over," she says. She walks away. Talking to her back, Lex says he's far from perfect, but that she can't deny what they had between them. Lana spins. "Lex, all there are between us are lies on top of lies!" It's Lie Lunchables! The third layer is ham thecrets. Lex says that everything he's ever done has been because he loves Lana. Even before you met her? With a faint wry smile on her face, she tells him he's not capable of love. All right, that one hurt. Ouch. "You never were," she says. Lex, trying to collect himself, walks toward the door. He closes it. Slowly. "It's Clark, isn't it? You never could get over him." Lex says Clark has been the greatest liar of them all. His left eye twitches. "Clark means more to me than you ever will," she spits. Really, that was unnecessary. Lex smacks her hard with the back of his left hand, across the face. She touches her bloody lip. "Lana!" Lex says, suddenly remorseful. "That's the last time you'll ever touch me," she tells him. Lex grabs her waist as she tries to go. No, this might be the last time. He asks if she really thinks he'll just let her walk away. Lana asks what he wants to do. "Kill me?" she asks. She says it's the only way he's going to keep her in this mansion. She walks out. The camera pulls back. Lex stands, alone. Yep, this is one shitty day.
Commercials. Bye, Veronica Mars. I'll be catching up on all my DVR'd Season Three episodes this summer.
Very nice new late-night flyover of Metropolis, focused on the LuthorCorp building. Why is there a big video billboard in the background that looks like a giant iPhone? Everyone is in Papa Luthor's office. He's like, "Dude, dude, I know! I've been a dick!" Papa says it was the only way. Clark thinks none of this makes any sense. My friend, welcome to Season 6! John Glover, as is his wont, changes the pronunciation of "possessed" to suit his acting needs. He says that Lex was possessed by Zod, then he was possessed by all of Jor-El's knowledge. He says he started writing the Kryptonian symbol for "Power." It looks like a plug going into an outlet. Manhunter says it was a beacon, the same one Jor-El (I'm officially retiring "Jarnelle" for the sake of clarity) used to summon him. Clark is surprised that MM knew his father. Martian Manhunter says he worked for Jor-El, bringing criminals to justice. He was the interstellar Dog the Bounty Hunter. Manhunter says that he was asked to keep an eye on Clark. Hey, remember all those times when Clark was seconds from dying? Nice bodyguarding there, Martian Manhunter.
"Where have you been all these years?" Clark asks. Eh, drunk. Eating Oreos off a stripper's ass. Illegally reading DVDs with my eye lasers. Manhunter says he's been watching from a distance. A really long, unhelpful distance. Papa Luthor says that Clark's father wanted him to pass the test without help. Hey, dude -- look after my son, but don't do anything! If he's about to die, just let it happen! Please, you gotta do this for me. It's important! Apparently, this jackass wasn't supposed to do anything unless Clark's life was at stake, which according to the show now, never happened before Season 6. Apparently, unleashing the phantoms was what did it. Clark brings up the phantom that infected his mind. The camera rotates around the conversation to try to make it more interesting and less wrong. MM says he's lost a step since then. "What happened?" Clark asks. "Nothing," he says. Then why the fuck did you just bring it up? I thought you were cool, but now I'm starting to think you're just incompetent. Clark notices a bloodstain on Manhunter's shirt. He pulls the jacket aside. There's a giant gaping hole in the guy's belly. You call that nothing? By that did you mean an absence of torso? Manhunter says he had a run-in with the last phantom. Yeah, you should see the other guy. He's...completely unscathed, actually. Damn. I really need to think before I speak. Manhunter says he has to leave Earth's atmosphere in order to heal. Clark says he'll go after the phantom. He has the crystal that Raya gave him. Manhunter says he doubts the crystal will work. Papa says it's not an ordinary phantom. It's the product of a Kryptonian lab experiment. They messed up the secret herbs and turned him from mean to Super Mean. The phantom is running through humans looking for the one thing that can sustain it -- a Kryptonian body. Clark thinks, "Gee, do you know where we could get one of those? Oh. Shit." "Where's the phantom?" Clark asks. In your pants. Lurking. Manhunter warns Clark about being killed. Clark says people are being killed every day. If somebody's going to stop this thing, it's going to be him.
The Dam of Alien Genetics Experiments. A car is driving on the bridge. Lois gets out, holding her numbered note cards. Her phone's GPS shows that she's in the right place. "Reeves Dam," she says to herself, "I don't get it." Eh, you kind of had to be there. She walks over to the edge and sees the super secret base. She sees a door. Danger!
The Daily Planet newsroom. Chloe is at her desk. Clark sits opposite her, clacking on the keys of his own laptop. They let him just set up camp in the newsroom? Chloe asks if the symptoms of phantom infection are black eyes and a high fever. "That and a bad temper," Clark snarks, inappropriately. Clark says that Chloe's hack to get into the QPP (Quebec Provincial Police) database worked. He's searching records. Chloe finds a record of a young boy taken to a hospital thirteen miles from the village with the same symptoms. Chloe finds the hospital name, but says the boy's already disappeared. Clark finds the police report. He says someone saw the boy being loaded into an unmarked helicopter. That seems like an awfully loud way to be unmarked. Clark thinks Lex is responsible. Chloe says Lex is doing all this and Papa Luthor is Clark's new father figure. She's finding it a lot to take in one day. Clark says there's more. "Lana's leaving him," he says. He didn't mention this when he first got there? Chloe is surprised and happy. Clark confesses that he revealed his whole secret to Lana. "Wow," Chloe says. She says they have a new charter member of the secret-keeping club. She asks what Lana said. "She kissed me," Clark tells her. Chloe can't quite hide a twinge of disappointment as she says, "That's fantastic." Chloe is happy for Clark and says he must be on "cloud ninety-nine." "Ninety-nine"? Clark says he will be after he's dealt with this phantom.
Lois sneaks into the secret dam base. This looks an awful lot like the tunnels from a few episodes back. She finds a chained gate and is able to squeeze through it. A guy in a uniform and cap catches her and asks what she's doing there. Lois lies that she's an engineering student at Met U doing a paper on hydroelectric power. The goatee-sporting henchman tells her to go back the way she came. Lois says she's not going anywhere until she finds out what's really going on in this dam. Water stuff. Now go. The guy pulls a gun and tells her they're going for a walk. Lois bats the gun away and kicks the guard. She punches him. He pulls out a huge knife. He calls Lois "a wild one." He swings the knife a few times. Pushes Lois against the wall. They struggle with the knife. He backs her up against the gage and arcs the knife, stabbing her in the gut. She blinks in pain, then head-butts him. She shoulders him and he falls, hitting his head on a big pipe. Lois exhales. The knife is sticking out of her stomach. Lois pulls it out in one slow, moist-sounding motion. She gasps. Lois shakily tries to walk. She doesn't get very far. She uses her cell phone to call Chloe. She only manages to get the name out before she drops the phone and falls. The one thing you can say about Lois: she's willing to take a stab at anything.
Papa Luthor's town car. He's on the phone with Lana. She's telling him that she's through with the Luthors and she's leaving town. Papa says he's on his way and wants to meet with her. Lana, rushing out of the back of The Talon, says she doesn't trust him. Or anyone else. As she walks down the alley and glances behind her, she says that Lex hit her. Papa Luthor is surprised. He glances out the window and says he's here. He says he's getting out of the car. Lana, half-jogging, says she's leaving and never coming back. Would that it were so. I haven't been through this much crap to actually believe such a beautiful idea. Papa gets out of the car. He sees Lana running toward her red SUV. Just as she's getting in, a mail truck passes in between Lana's car and Papa Luthor. This, of course, is how Lana is going to survive, dammit. She switched cars at the last moment, much like Lex in "Noir." Papa calls her name. She "Gets into her car." Papa walks past the mail van. A fire erupts under the SUV. An overhead shot shows fire exploding in the car. The windshield bursts. The whole thing explodes, launching the vehicle off the ground. Papa Luthor dives and rolls. Fire! Papa Luthor watches in horror. There's the shape of a person in the driver's seat slumping forward in flames, but I'm willing to bet it's not Lana. I'm not privy to spoilers, but that mail van was a dead giveaway. We're not ridding ourselves of Lana the Tenacious, Annoying Squirrel this easily.
Commercials. Oh, Sonic, I do so love your slushies.
Stately Luthor Manor. Inside, we get a close-up on a tumbler of Scotch. This is the show subliminally trying to tell you that in order to get through the fifteen minutes, you're really going to need a stiff drink. I think I'm going to take the suggestion. El Presidente brandy it is! Clark enters roughly through the double doors. "Lex has the phantom," Clark announces. You mean the game system that has never been released? I'm so jealous! Clark fills in Papa Luthor on the helicopter kidnapping. He doesn't notice at first that Papa Luthor looks pretty banged up and emotionally spent as he sits by the fireplace. Clark asks what happened. Papa stands. He can barely look at Clark. He doesn't know how to explain. "It's, uh..." he begins, "Lana, she's...she's..." Clark asks what he's trying to say. Papa says she's gone. Clark asks what he means. "She's dead, son," Papa Luthor says. Oh really? You get confirmation on a body? Dental records? Give us some proof, man! Clark says, "No." Papa tells him it was a bomb in her car. Clark gets teary, but doesn't cry. "I don't believe you," he says, quietly. Papa, scraped about the face, says he saw it happen. He gets close to Clark, trying to convince him with his moist eyes. Clark looks away, hurt. He winces. Tries to catch his breath. Papa Luthor says he's so sorry. He puts a hand on Clark's shoulder and says it again. Clark blinks hard. "She was gonna leave him," he says. She did! Permanently! Clark says Lex didn't let her leave. "Where's Lex?" he asks. Papa doesn't want to tell him. Clark demands to know. Papa says he doesn't want Clark to do something he'll regret the rest of his life. Clark whooshes out of the room, making Papa's shorter hair get blown a bit.
Dam! Inside, Chloe is running down a hallway, looking for Lois. She finds the gate with the chain. On the other side is the (presumably) dead henchman with the bloody knife lying to him. There's a puddle of blood. Chloe squeezes through. She turns a corner and finds Lois lying on the floor to another pool of blood. Chloe tells the unconscious Lois that she's going to be all right and that Chloe will get her out. Lois looks pretty dead. Chloe lifts Lois's upper half up, which must require an enormous amount of strength. Chloe cradles Lois in her arms as she's kneeling. Chloe cries. She says Lois is a fighter. "Come on, Lois!" she cries. "You're the strongest girl I know!" Chloe cries hard. "You can't die! I can't lose you!" She lays Lois down on the ground. "I love you too much," Chloe says, more quietly. Lois is looking blue. A single tear rolls down Chloe's right cheek. We zoom in and watch the CGI tear fall. It's glowing white at the center, not green like we'd expect from someone with Kryptopowers. The tear lands right between Lois's eyebrows. It makes her forehead glow shiny white (someone get makeup!). The glow seems to disperse a white cloud. It's tear gas! The room is bathed in bullshit light and smoke. Everything goes to white. Then the light goes back into Lois's head. She wakes up, her eyes fluttering. Lois sits up. Her shirt is bloody, but when she raises it, the wound on her side is gone. She sees Chloe sitting nearby, slumped against the wall. She tells Chloe to wake up. Chloe looks even deader than Lois did. We go to black on Chloe's seemingly dead face. What good is a superpower if you can only use it once?
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The Dam Of Experimentation. Lex strides into the lab. In the exam chamber, through the window, he sees a small boy strapped to a table. Mr. Science says there's been no activity from the subject. Lex checks his watch. He says the twenty-four hours are almost up. "Let's move!" Lex announces. He tells them to draw blood. Mr. Science pushes a button on his keyboard. The boy is sweaty. We see blood flow through a tube attached to his arm. That's a giant tube! You could fit a lot of Pixy Stix in there. Lex says this better be it. Lex watches the boy's pale face. Mr. Science removes a test tube of blood from a dry ice chamber. He says it looks perfectly normal. "Let's hope it isn't," Mr. Science says, trying to break the mood. Stick to your microscope, egghead! Lex says "hope" isn't a word in his vocabulary. He wants results. Mr. Science takes the giant blood sample and, wastefully, only uses a drop for the microscope. Lex rolls his eyes at all the drama. "Do we have what we need?" he asks. Mr. Science says that Lex's fleet of fighters are about to get their jet fuel. Rock it! The boy's sleeping eyes twitch. Before we know it, the boy has crashed through the glass and is on top of Number One. The boy holds up guts taken from Number One. Wow! Fast! The boy turns to Lex, his teeth bared. Yikes! Creepy kid. Lex grabs Mr. Science and pushes him toward the boy/monster. The boy growls at Mr. Science. Mr. Science's cheeks shake. Lex runs. He knocks shit over. Mr. Science tries to follow. Lex uses his thumb to open the security door. Mr. Science runs, yelling, "Wait!" Lex closes the door on him. We see something pierce his stomach just as the door slides closed. Screams. Growls. Lex stands back. He decides to get out of there. Inside the lab, the boy is dragging Mr. Science across the floor by the hand. The boy uses Mr. Science's thumb to open the door. Phantom Boy follows Lex. So, good-bye, Number One and Mr. Science. Who could have foreseen that your employ under Lex Luthor could have ended so tragically?
A road near the dam. Papa Luthor's town car is driving up. Papa picks up a metal box from the seat to him. He opens it. There's a Kryptonite rock in there. The town car reaches the bridge by the headquarters. It parks to Lois's car. Clark superzips past Papa Luthor and goes through the dam door. "Clark!" Papa yells. Clark looks back, but doesn't wait.
Lex is running down the hall. The alarm lights are flashing. Clark runs in from the side and pushes Lex against the wall. "She was your wife, Lex," Clark whispers, fiercely. Lex says now's not the time for a lecture about his marriage. Clark asks why he did it. Lex screams for Clark to get his hands off him. Clark asks if Lex was afraid she was gonna bring him down or if it was just too humiliating that she was leaving him. "Why'd you have to kill her?" Clark asks. Lex, quiet, asks what he's talking about. "You already know," Clark says, making a face, "Lana is dead!" Lex looks away. "No," he whispers. Clark says he doesn't have to act so surprised, since he put the bomb in her car. "You're the one that killed her!" Clark yells. More evidence of Lana's death fakery. Lex looks past Clark and sees the boy standing in the far doorway. Lex tells Clark to get out of there. "It'll kill us both," he says. In a drawn-out, ridiculous alien voice, the boy says, "He's riiiight." Clark pushes Lex, but at light human strength. Lex just runs away. Clark turns. The boy, with his arms out at his sides says, "At laaaast." It's time for a piggyback ride! Wheeee! "A Kryptoniaaaan," the boy says. The boy's mouth opens and the wraith flies out in a black cloud. It soars at Clark. Clark tries to use the crystal, but he gets knocked backward. He flies through a wall and lands in a big room with a bunch of turbines. We see a pair of black boots. Clark stands up to see who's there. It's another Clark Kent, but dressed in black. "Thanks for sharing," Extra Crispy Clark says. He says he feels a lot better now. Original Recipe Clark asks what just happened. Extra Crispy says he took a bit of Clark's DNA. Crispy grabs Clark and lifts him by the neck. "And now I'm gonna take your life!" he says. He punches Clark, sending him flying across the room and into a turbine, which explodes.
Lex takes off in a car, possibly Lois's. Police cars, their sirens blaring, block his way. Lex turns the other way, but there are troopers on that side, too, guns pointed. "My wife. Something's happened to her," Lex calls out. They tell him to get his hands up. Lex is pushed roughly against the car. He says they're making a mistake. He is handcuffed. An officer tells him he's under arrest for the murder of Lana Luthor. Without proof or a real body, would they really make an arrest so quickly?
Inside, Original Recipe Clark is still getting his ass handed to him. Extra Crispy eyes a button that probably does something very terrible to the dam. Original Recipe comes up behind him, turns him, and punches him in the face. Crispy flight! His body knocks a giant pipe open, sending water flooding into the place. Outside, the whole dam buckles.
We cut to Lois in the hallway. Water is spraying there, too. She tries to grab Chloe's body.
Papa Luthor is in a nearby collapsing tunnel. He sees Extra Crispy Clark fall and land in front of him. "Clark, son, what is it?" he asks. "That's not me!" Original Recipe calls out. Clark says it's the phantom. Crispy stands. He asks how Papa Luthor likes his new look. Fetching, actually. Crispy smiles. Papa grabs the Kryptonite and quickly jams it into Crispy's chest. Crispy screams. Then he gets excited. "Thanks! That's just what I needed," he says, wildly. He tosses Papa Luthor aside. Papa Luthor is pinned under some rubble. Original and Crispy face off. Original Recipe Clark asks who he is. He's the phantom! You just said that! "I'm you. Only a little more bizarre," Extra Crispy answers. Oh. Fucking. Clunk. The two exchange smoldering looks. They run in blurry slow motion at each other. They collide. Original Recipe Clark is knocked out of the dam, looking scared as he tumbles through the air. Another hole opens up. Extra Crispy Black Clark flies out of it, flying through the air with the greatest of ease. He sails toward the camera, smiling evilly. His face turns silver and is segmented into parts. Freaky! We cut to black, and "TO BE CONTINUED."
So, that's it. Not quite Season 5, was it? Well, we weathered the storm through character assassination, weird one-off experiments, and lugubrious plot developments that were then tied up a little too quickly. Let's hope year is the final, blowout, crazy-ass season we all know it could be.
And one more little cliffhanger for the summer. In case you haven't heard, by the time I recap this show, I should be a papa myself. I assure you, the pregnancy isn't being faked with massive doses of hormones. Wish me luck! I'll see you in September.