Support The (Super)Troops!

S06E21

By Omar G

Lex is still completely obsessed with Project Ares -- the one where he raises a super army of buff men in tiny silver shorts to help him to create a military force to work the government. Are you sure Lex's name isn't really Dr. Frank-N-Furter? A test run featuring formerly dead soldier Wes goes so well that Lex gets his panties in a bunch when Senator Burke tries to pull the plug on the project and threatens to scrutinize LuthorCorp business dealings. Of course, Lex uses Super Soldier Wes to kill off Burke. Unfortunately, Lois, trying to chase a story on the Burke connection, witnesses the whole thing and recognizes Wes as an old Army-brat buddy. Lex just cannot catch a break! Even though Wes has mondo Krypto powers, he recognizes Lois and breaks out of his Terminator mode long enough to regret killing a U.S. Senator. Wes tries to attack Clark, but Clark saves the day with his magical eye beams. Wes dies, sadly, but it's really better this way, because Wes was never going to get out from under Lex's control, and he recognizes that before he dies. Burke's death creates a U.S. Senator spot. Papa Luthor lobbies for MamaKent to take the spot, and it's as easy as pie. Clark supports her move to Washington. Lex catches Lana eavesdropping on his Project Ares conversations and tells her that if she wants to know his business, she should just ask. Of course, she won't. Because she's Lana and the answers should just come to her on the blessed wings of pink hummingbirds. Lex vaguely threatens her, too, saying that he doesn't know what he'd do if she betrayed him. Lana, meanwhile, totally betrays him, still acting frigid and giving Clark the romantic eyes whenever he appears. Lois, upset about Wes, vows to take Lex down. Lex's top scientist says that Wes's death is a major setback for Project Ares, but Lex thinks he can get more alien organs to complete the project. To prove his point, he shows us a huge room full of Wes clones, ready for their evil orders.

It's the sixth penultimate episode of Smallville! Can I get a "Woot!?" No? Not really? How about a smile, then? No? You're really mad at how this season has turned out? I see. What if I tickle you? Tickle tickle! Who's a recap reader? Tickle! Oh. You think that's a form of abuse? Sorry. Well, look. You probably won't like this episode. I'll be frank: I was thinking about a million other things while I watched it, and about 900,000 of them were more interesting. And I have a crap imagination. But if you and I work together and put this whole tickling incident behind us, I think we can get through it. Because after this, it's one more episode and then SUMMER! Water slides! Sunburn! Hurricanes! Can't wait, y'all. It's gonna be the most season-six-is-done summer ever! Who's with me!?

We open on planet Earth. Hey, I can see Lois's boobs from here! A big computer-animated satellite glides into view, making sound where there is none. A "LUTHORCORP" logo is on its side. I watched it for a little while. I like to watch things on TV. We see a red light flash near a lens on the satellite. The lens is scanning part of North America. It zooms in on a military-looking building.

We cut from space to the same image of a schematic on a screen, presumably inside that same building. An older gent, Mr. Science, is typing on a computer. You can tell he's a scientist because of the spiffy white coat with the pens in the pocket. A siren suddenly goes off along with a flashing red light. Mr. Science moves his mouse on the computer to zoom in on a blinking room in a schematic. He squints. "Activity" is moving from one room to the .

We cut to a hallway where soldiers are scrambling. Lex, wearing black, walks among them. He checks his watch. Lex's favorite lackey, Number One, tells soldiers to sweep the perimeter. And mop it, too! Lex asks for a status report. There's been a security breach in the northeast sector. But that's where we keep the Trix-brand cereal! That goddamned cartoon rabbit! Lex asks what security has picked up. "Not a damn thing," says Number One. Fucking invisible cartoon rabbit! Lex tells a guard standing nearby to kill anything that comes down the hallway. That's right. We're eating hare pie tonight! Wait. That didn't sound good at all. Lex and Number one enter the lab-looking room where Mr. Science is sitting. "Contact?" Lex asks. Sure, you can touch me. Mr. Science says, "Tunnel 7." We hear soldiers yelling stuff from outside the room. Mr. Science says to wait. The computer says in a robotic voice that Section F has been compromised. Lex commands a lockdown.

We see video footage of soldiers being taken down in Tunnel 7. There's shooting, then static. The robot voice says the area has been compromised. Number One says that's only thirty meters from here. Section C is compromised right after D. Twenty meters. Ten. More soldiers are gunned down. This isn't exactly Aliens, but it's sure trying. Section B is compromised. "Maybe this wasn't such a good idea," Mr. Science says. I bet it was your idea, egghead! See what happens when you mess with science and breakfast cereals! You asshole! We hear crashing in a nearby wall. That's way closer than ten meters. They turn. Mr. Science gets out of his chair. Number One tries not to get in the way. Lex draws a handgun. A door opens. We see from a creature's point of view the cartoony shape of Lex firing his gun. It appears to ripple the very fabric of existence. It's like Lex is shooting a force field. From out of that field, the shape of a man appears to disarm Lex. The gun is now pointed at Lex. Hey, it's Keenan Ivory Wes, the soldier whose wife was really mad. What's he doing in cahoots with a silly rabbit? "Mission accomplished," Wes says. Indeed. Number One, Lex and Mr. Science all stare at each other. Somebody say something! Lex blinks. Wes lowers the weapon. He says he's standing by for further instructions. Mr. Science gets back on his chat room and MySpace immediately. He tells Lex that Wes's vitals are steady and that he didn't even break a sweat. Lex looks at his watch again. It took two minutes and 18 seconds to infiltrate the building, take out his best men and eliminate the target. Lex is pleased. He says it's not a bad test run. "Get some fresh guards," Lex says, "I want to see him do it again." I hope those guards aren't all dead. Then again, does it really matter on this show? Penultimate! Close-up on Lex.

Opening credits. Commercials. Hello, Yaris.

Stately Luthor Manor, daytime. Lana is in the Lair Of Lex, arranging some white flowers in a vase. Lex, standing in the background, says they have about a dozen people who can do that for her. Lana, in a seemingly good mood, says they'll be brushing her teeth . Only ten people are qualified for that task. Lana says there are some things she'd rather do on her own. Unfortunately for Lex, they include sex. Lex says Lana is "independent" (dude. No.) and willing to get her hands dirty. He comes to her, saying that those are two of the billion or so reasons he fell in love with her. Lex must have invested in some cracker factory shares, because he's really piling on the cheese. Lana visibly winces as Lex puts his hands on her shoulders. Lana, wearing a sleeveless shirt, says her shoulder's still a little sore. Oh yeah. From being shot. She's in a good mood for a gunshot wound victim with no visible scar. Lex suggests they let the doctor look at it again. Is it possible to implant a fake baby in that shoulder, Lex wonders. Lana says it's all right. Lex reminds her that she was shot. Lana says it takes more than a bullet to stop a Luthor.

They're interrupted by a knock at the door. A lackey tells Lex that Senator Burke has arrived. Lana says that Lex has been seeing a lot of the senator lately. Lex says it's the price of doing business with the government. He promises it'll just take a minute. Lana says she'll be in the garden. Doing her own damn independent garden work. All the women who are just like Lana, throw your hands up at me! Wow, that is a very small number of hands. Lana walks past Senator Burke, who is a large roly-poly of a man. He's what you see in lame commercials simulating congressional hearings when they have the one sweaty congressman wiping his brow and saying, in a thick southern accent, "Ah move to make this un-cola... a national treasure! All in favor?" And then everybody drinks up and cheers like it's Mr. Pepsi Goes to Washington. Come to think of it, I should totally sell that idea to someone! Get me Madison Avenue! Senator Jabba says, "Mrs. Luthor?" Lana says, "Senator," as she keeps walking. Doctor? Doctor. Jabba says he didn't mean to interrupt a tender moment. Lex jokes that if he had, he'd still be waiting outside. Lex still isn't getting any, but at least he's able to joke about it. Wonk, wonk, wonk... Jabba says he doesn't want to keep Lex from his "purty lady," but he wants an update on Project Ares. Lex says confidently that they're in the final stages of testing and that everything is on schedule. Jabba, standing in the background all fuzzy as Lex faces us in the fore, says he thought things were way ahead of schedule. Why don't we just start a new schedule that is exactly on time? Jabba is mad that he stuck his neck out to get Armed Services Committee approval for military resources for Project Ares R&D and that Lex has already leapt ahead to mass production. Well, that is where we know you must be lying, Senator. Because we can all see that you have no neck. Lex says he was just looking to the future. Jabba asks how long Lex thinks he can keep the real project a secret. Jabba says that one of his men is telling him Lex has a mole in his own backyard. Lex has a pretty big estate. I wouldn't doubt there's a rodent or two in there somewhere. Lex asks him to identify the informant. Jabba says his boy doesn't talk so well with a bullet in his heart. Lex says if there are holes in his security, he'll patch them up. Not to keep banging that drum, but Lex has the worst security money can't buy. Senator Jabba asks what Lex thinks would happen if the Senate got wind of what he's doing. Dude. Please. Don't break wind toward the Senate. Anything but that. Lex says the Senate would like it about as much as finding out about all the money he sent to Jabba's Cayman account last year. The Senator says that Project Ares is over. He's shutting it down. Not freaking out, Lex says, "That would be ill-advised." The Senator waddles forward. He tells Lex, in close-up, that "ill-advised" would be ever speaking of their arrangement. He threatens to have the committee examine every LuthorCorp business dealing of the last twenty years. He says Lex won't be able to keep that fancy shirt on his back. Don't worry. He's better naked. Jabba asks if they understand each other. Yes, since Lex speaks fluent Huttese. "Perfectly," Lex answers.

The Senator leaves the room, which we see through the crack of a nearby open door. Lana is standing there, having eavesdropped on the whole conversation. She makes a "What should I do now?" face. The solution is to walk out of the scene. Good move!

New establishing shot from a different angle: The Daily Planet building dwarfed by the dark tower of LuthorCorp. We zoom toward the top of the LuthorCorp building. Inside, Papa Luthor is messing with his Dell laptop at his desk. He's watching the scary monster video from Patagonia. Isn't that on YouTube yet? Papa freezes the video right on a still image of the monster. It looks pretty furry. He scribbles on a piece of paper some lines on a Kryptonian symbol. The sheet of paper is full of them. Papa is really concentrating on that video. He lets it keep playing. Below a symbol of symmetric sets of two diamonds, two dots and two lines, he writes the word, "Mirror." The double glass doors open, allowing Clark Kent to enter the room. Hey! Welcome to the show, buddy! Wasn't sure if you were going to show up this week after the limited screentime you got in "Noir." Didn't Papa Luthor know Clark was in the building?

"We have to talk," Clark says, as Papa uncomfortably puts his business away. Papa tells Clark that he might want to try picking up the phone occasionally; it might be quicker. "Or, maybe not," he teases. "What do you know about Lana?" Clark asks. Jeez. Little. Pink. Annoying. Do we really need to elaborate? Papa chuckles and notes that letting go has never been one of Clark's strong points. Clark is really not amused. He says that telling the truth has never been one of Papa Luthor's. Papa asks what Clark is accusing him of doing this time. He sits down on a padded bench to pour himself some water. Clark tells Papa that Lana came to him the day of the wedding to say she wasn't going to go through with the marriage. Papa says she changed her mind. Clark thinks someone changed it for her. Papa says it's amazing what some people will do when they feel they have no other options. Clark nods, pretending he was able to compute that. Clark tells Papa Luthor that if he finds out Papa had something to do with Lana marrying Lex, that the gloves will come off. And then a second, rougher, heavier set of gloves will be worn! And they will point something fierce! "How do you like that option?" Clark asks, trying to sound like a bad-ass. Clark exits. Papa actually looks a bit worried.

The Talon. Dusk. Chloe, wearing a Chloevage-friendly maroon top we've seen before, is looking mopey. "Triple-espresso mocha cappu-latte," says Lois Lane, bringing over a drink for Chloe in a huge, whipped-cream-topped mug. She says it's her own invention (she invented coffee?) guaranteed to put the "zip" back in Chloe's "doo-dah." Dirty! "Thanks," Chloe says glumly. Lois tells her it's not that bad; Jimmy is coming back someday. "Maybe," Lois corrects herself. Ugh! She says distance is good for the relationship; that's what all the guys who've moved away from her have told her. I wonder if they moved so far away they could stop hearing her loud voice in the wind. Chloe tells Lois she should stick to investigative reporting and stay away from doing an advice column. So Lois is a real investigative reporter now? Didn't see that one coming. "That's the plan," Lois tells Chloe. The awful, inevitable, unavoidable, unearned plan. Clark walks in. He's the only person in the joint wearing a big, dumb jacket. "Hey, Smallville!" Lois calls. "Love to hear about the cows and the corn." Unfortunately, she has to go chase down a dirty senator who needs to be hosed down. "See ya on the front page," she says. And, just like that, she's Lois Lane. Good thing she didn't have to work very hard for that. Clark asks if Lois is going after a senator. Chloe shrugs and says she guesses so. Lois hasn't told her much about it. "Lot of that going around," Clark whines. Oh. Just. Shut it. Chloe rolls her eyes and asks if that jab was directed at her chin. I don't see any other recognizable chins around here. Clark says he asked Papa Luthor about Lana. Chloe asks what Papa said. "Nothing. Just like you," Clark accuses. Clark says that Chloe knows what Lex is really like. He asks if she forgot what Lex did to her and her mother. Chloe, annoyed, says she hasn't forgotten. Chloe collects her things while Clark bitches that he doesn't want anything to happen to Lana. Chloe says that if Lana is staying in that marriage, she must have a damn good reason. Clark puts on the hurt eyes. Chloe just blinks. And...we have ended the scene on a rather weak note! Penultimate!

Overhead shot of the streets of Metropolis. Lois is in a back alley talking to a restaurant worker. She asks if he's sure about the reservation. The guy, sporting slick black hair, says that the Senator eats there every time he's in town. He eats slave girls! Jabba! Lois hands the ponytailed dude some money and thanks him for the tip. No, thank you for the generous tip. A town car pulls up. Lois walks right over to it. Jabba gets out and shakes Lois's hand before she has time to introduce herself. She wants to ask some questions. He tells her to schedule an interview with his office. Lois says she tried, but they never called her back. "Well. That ought to tell you something, sweet cakes." I prefer the more colloquial "sugar tits." It screams, "I am a douche" while retaining a kind of brutal, misogynistic poetry. Lois, following, asks Jabba how he was able to deposit $5 million into a Cayman account on a $150,000-a-year salary. Magic! Jabba, annoyed, turns to her. He asks what paper she works for and forgets her name. "Lane. Lois Lane," she tells him. She says she works for The Inquisitor. That gets a chuckle out of Jabba. He says it's not a newspaper, it's a cat-box liner. "Get her out of here," he says. A goon grabs Lois by the arm, which causes her to yell, "Fascist!" at him. Actually, he's a capitalist. He gets paid for this stuff. Somebody attacks the goon from behind. He falls on Lois, bloody. Another goon is thrown on the windshield of the town car, shattering the thing. Jabba picks a gun up off the ground and points it, frightened. Lois sits up. The Senator is attacked from behind. He falls with a groan, having been stabbed in the back. Standing there behind him is Keenan Wes. "Oh my God," Lois says. "Wes?" Wes notices her. We hear a siren, and he suddenly disappears into a clear shadow, like Predator. He dashes off. Lois stands. She breathes heavily, frightened out of her wits.

Commercials. That KFC biscuit bowl is some grody-looking shit.

Front door of The Daily Planet. Inside, Clark ambles down the stairs to find Chloe. He asks her what's going on. "You haven't heard?" she asks. No, he only has super hearing. She says Senator Jabba was murdered. And apparently, the bullet hit something vital in there. She says he was in bed with "La Famiglia" (that must have been an enormous bed; that's a lot of people) and that they gave him the Fredo treatment. That's exactly how young people talk these days: their speech is littered with references to The Godfather. Chloe, wearing a bright green ruffly top, says there's one witness, though, who doesn't think it was a mob hit. Lois is sitting at a desk. Chloe brings her a hot drink. Shouldn't she be at the police station? Or the paper where she actually works? She's wearing a dark coat on her shoulders to keep her warm. Indoors. Clark asks what happened. Lois explains that she knows the gunman. She says she and Wes Keenan were army brats when they were kids. Now Lois is just a brat. Chloe goes off to finish running a check on his name. Clark guesses that Wes works for the mob now. Lois says no; he's career military and has been decorated more times than a Christmas tree. Once a year. Then he's thrown away or stuffed up in the attic? Maybe this isn't the best metaphor. Lois says that even her dad loved him, and The General hates everybody. I bet he hates not being on the show when he could be making an awesome guest appearance. Chloe asks if Lois is sure she saw Wes. Lois is sure. She remembers a little scar above his right eye. Chloe found info about Wes being killed in action four months ago in Afghanistan. Lois says that's not possible. She knows what she saw. Chloe says that she couldn't find anything else; his records have been made classified. Clark squints and pouts. Lois stares off into the vast wilderness of her mind.

A very nice facility by some water. Inside is Lex's lab. Are we in the Project Ares headquarters? Wes is lying on an exam table as Mr. Science and Lex watch him through glass. Something on his readout spikes, and Mr. Science explains that it might just be what's connected to his cortex. Lex is a little concerned, but the doctor says everything is fine and they're still working within "operational parameters." Lex tells him to make sure it stays that way. Number One enters. He tells Lex that Senator Jabba has been eliminated. "Evidence trail?" Lex asks. No, thank you. I had some trail mix on the way over. Oh! You mean about the Senator. I was totally thinking about something else. Something yummy. Number One says there's a complication: a witness. Can't you program your robot not to kill people when there's clearly a witness standing right nearby? Is that too difficult to code up? Lex says nothing can get in the way of completing this project. Nothing! Not even blatant incompetence and special effects budgets! Lex tells Number One to take care of it. Number One tells Mr. Science to prep Wes. We pan across Wes's bare torso and all the machinery hooked up to him. He opens his eyes. Aw, man, I just had a dream that I died and came back as a military robot sent to -- OH SHIT!

The Barnness of Safehouseitude. Clark, putting a saddle on a rail, tells Lois that she needs to stop being stubborn. She's going to stay with the Kents until this whole thing is cleared up. Probably in the thirty-five minutes. Lois says that she can take care of herself. MamaKent, also in the barn, says they think Lois will be safer staying with them. Clark says it'll be like old times, just like when she first came to town. "Oh, you're just hoping to catch me in the shower again," Lois says, completely inappropriately. Everything stops. MamaKent gives a concerned look. God, Lois. Just say thank you and shut your yapper. Lois says thank you, and that she really appreciates it. Wow, I didn't really think she'd do it. MamaKent says that Lois is always welcome; she's practically family. Lois asks if she can have one more favor. Clark, rolling his eyes, asks what she needs. She asks if MamaKent can use her political influence to take a look at Wes's "military jacket." Lois says she tried to ask her dad, but he went "all Cold War" on her and told her she should drop it. Clark says three dudes are already dead. Lois insists. MamaKent reluctantly agrees to look into the situation. Clark is annoyed that Lois is risking getting herself killed. Lois says this isn't just another story. She says she and Wes were close. They hear clattering from another part of the barn. Clark tells Lois to stay put. He goes to investigate. A rocking chair is moving. Clark thinks it was just the wind. Just then, a shape appears out of a void. It's Wes. He punches Clark in the gut. Clark flies through some lumber. Ow. Wes goes right up to Lois. He raises a knife. "Wes!" Lois yells. He hesitates. His hand shakes. A knife? Really? Instead, Wes pulls an arm around Lois and they both disappear. Clark breathes heavily, unsure what to do.

Commercials. Ocean's 13. They're just going to keep making these movies until somebody cares again.

The Talon. Nighttime. Clark and Chloe are going down the stairs. Chloe is asking how Lois could have disappeared with Clark standing right there. Yeah, Clark? How did that happen? I think you wanted her to get kidnapped. So did I, honestly. Clark says that the dude disappeared. Literally. I think after six seasons of crazy crap happening, you can drop the "literally" when explaining paranormal stuff to Chloe. "Like Alicia?" Chloe asks. Like Clark's dead wife? Excuse me while I pick my jaw up off the floor for Alicia getting a shout-out on the show. Clark says it's more like what Graham Garrett could do. Who? Oh yeah. Invisalyin'. I never remember them by their actual names. Clark says that the guy took Lois with him and that he has other powers. Clark says he hasn't felt something like that since he fought with Titan. It was magic, I tells ya! Magic! Love! That's a lot of past episode character name-dropping going on, by the way. Clark asks if Chloe might have found something about Wes that could help them. Chloe says that she hasn't been able to find anything from his medical records, but she did cross-check his name, and she came up with another: Jodi Keenan. The one who blew herself up in the tunnels after holding Lex hostage. Clark and Chloe make that connection. They didn't get curious about the woman right after the tunnel incident happened? Why'd they wait this long to figure out who she was? Of course, this road of evil leads to Lex. Clark must be thrilled. Chloe says that Wes has multiple Krypto-abilities and, if Lois is to be believed, is being mind-controlled. Mind-taking! Chloe thinks this all connects to the 33.1 saga. Clark insists that Chloe contact Oliver and his crew, since they've been taking out 33.1 facilities in the funny pages. Chloe asks if that isn't a "hero-to-hero" phone call. Clark says he's going to go talk to Lex. Any excuse will do, huh? She sees through this ruse as well. Chloe says that Lex isn't going to tell Clark anything. Who said anything about talking? Clark thinks of another excuse. He decides he can ask someone else instead. Oh, jeez. A Lana conversation. Thanks, Smallville. You really know how to fuck with us.

Scary Luthor Manor, nighttime. Lana, wearing a maroon robe, comes out of the bathroom. She hears a noise and walks cautiously. The room is filled with white candles, all lit. Lex is standing there in his own dark robe. Maybe they'll have robe sex. Lex, caught in the act, asks, "Too much?" Not if you're filming The Police's "Wrapped Around Your Finger" video. "No, it's uh..." Lana says. It's terrible! How dare you try to do something romantic for your wife! You monster! Get away! Lex licks his lips as he approaches Lana. He touches her hair and says, "I thought if I set the mood..." No. You'd still get denied. All your billions of dollars, and you're as abstinent as a monk. Life is so unfair. You're there to make regular guys feel better about themselves. Lex tries to kiss Lana. She moves her head away. Why'd you want to get married so badly, again? "...Or maybe not," Lex says. Please don't let Lex's descent into ultimate evil be about blue balls for Lana. It's just not right. Lana starts to explain herself, but there's a knock at the door. Lex goes to answer, because, clearly, nothing's going to happen here that'll be interrupted. Number One apologizes for bothering Lex. He steals a quick glance at Lana. Whatever's going on in Number One's imagination is a thousand times dirtier than anything that's going to actually transpire in this room. "The asset failed to return," Number One says. Asset? My God, man, what in bloody blue blazes are you -- ohhhhhhhh! The asset! Right! Well, get on that, then! Go take care of...this asset business! Lex says he'll be right back. Maybe they can continue this awkward sham of a marriage when he returns. Lana has a weird, pained smile on her face. It's amazing how one woman can make so many people (me included) absolutely miserable.

We hear a familiar "Whoosh!" "Lana!" Clark whispers. Clarks in yer roomz, fuckin' yer marri4g3. Lana whispers that Clark shouldn't be here; Lex is right outside. Taking care of some asset business. "I had to see you," Clark says. Lana starts to explain that nobody is ever going to have sex with her again, but Clark quickly adds, "It's not about you and me." Oh, thank the Lord. Clark says Lois is in trouble. He says there's a connection to Lex. He wants to know if she's seen or heard anything about the military. "Ares," she says. Clark says that's the god of war. I thought that was Kratos. Lana tells Clark about Senator Jabba and his threat to shut down the project. Lana says maybe Clark should talk with the Senator. Clark says he can't -- the Senator is dead. Doesn't Lana watch the news? Shouldn't she already know this? Clark tells Lana that the murderer also has Lois. Lana tells Clark about the asset failing to return. Clark is skilled in sussing out anything to do with Lex and the word "Ass." "Asset," Clark repeats. He says that's what the military calls their soldiers. Bummer. Clark tells Lana that Lex is connected to this. He adds some insult to injury by saying that whatever made Lana decide to go through with marrying Lex, it was the wrong choice. He says she has no idea what Lex is capable of doing. Lana says he'd be surprised by what she knows. He asks why she's still here. She just gives him a long, pained look and says, "We all have our secrets, Clark." Ugh. Lana has become her own thamber of thecreths and lieths. Oh, the Lanality of it all! She says that sometimes, we have to keep them to protect the people we love. This is a bunch of bullshit right here. "Lana," Clark says. "I know," she responds, before he can finish. He puts his big hand on the side of her small face and she adores him. He leans in as if to kiss her. We hear the door open. Lana turns in surprise. "Whoosh!" Lana turns back. The window is open, but there's no Clark. "Lana?" Lex says. He asks if she's all right. She says she's just a little chilly. In the loins. Lex sees the open window. He tells her something's come up and he needs to go to the office. He kisses Lana on the cheek. "Don't wait up," he says. As if she would. Lana goes to the window. Sad, undeserved love music plays. She closes the windows.

Scary warehouse. Lois wakes up. She's lying on what look like sandbags. There's a shadow falling over her. Lois says, "Wes." He corrects her, saying the designation is incorrect. He name is call sign Ares, prototype Mark IV. Are you sure you're not a Mark 7 Production? Lois asks if he remembers her. She says her full name. "My father is General Sam Lane," she says. We know! Jeez! She says her father used to drag her to all the bases, including Fort Addleson, where she met Wes. He blinks. She asks if he remembers where he got that scar. She says he used to tell people he got it dirt biking, but in reality they got into The General's whiskey, then broke into a storage warehouse. They were wrestling. Lois kissed him and it was the first time she ever kissed anyone. She says he was smiling that crooked smile of his. What is this, a Lucinda Williams song? She says he puked, passed out, and hit his head on the floor. I won't be cruel and say the puking might have been related to the kissing. Wes keeps blinking. She says he never could handle his liquor. Wes closes his eyes in pain. "Mission incomplete," he says. "Eliminate target." He steps forward. Lois is scared. She asks why he brought her here. As she backs away, she yells that this is Fort Addleson, and this is the warehouse where they kissed that night. "Remember me!" she wails. Wes starts to twitch. He fights off his own directive. Finally, he looks at Lois with recognition. She smiles.

The lab at night. Mr. Science works too hard! He's clacking away at the keyboard, downloading Silversun Pickups from iTunes. Lex walks into the room yelling about three years of work and a billion dollars spent and how they've lost Wes. A billion, really? That's an expensive project, dude. Mr. Science blah blahs about molecular peptides and meteor extracts and stuff recovered from aliens...just shoot him, Lex. Lex says that Titan's genetic material was the only thing that made this project viable. But that didn't happen three years ago. How did Lex know he'd have that component? Mr. Science bitches about the substances he's working with being unpredictable. It's late, guys. Why don't we go grab some waffles at IHOP and talk it out? Lex tries to give his version of a pep talk. He says Mr. Science is helping protect the world from unstable criminals, who are becoming more common. Also, they're like...insurgents! Fear them! Lex says that humanity's only chance in surviving the onslaught is this project. Humanity's pretty fucked, then. "So kick that big brain of yours into high gear and figure out what went wrong!" Lex commands. Ha. Nice one. Mr. Science hypothesizes that a familiar person or place might have triggered one of Wes's memories. Maybe he remembered seeing when this happened in Robocop. Number One asks if they can track him. Mr. Science, annoyed, says the fields he generates make him impossible to follow electronically. Yeah, Number One. Go back to being a lackey, you science flunky!

Lex says he wants their dog back on his leash. "Or you'll be my experiment!" he threatens. Mr. Science thinks quickly with that big brain. "Uh... maybe I could reposition LuthorCorp satellites!" he tries. Yeah, you go do that. See if Chloe at C.T.U. can help. Mr. Science thinks he can generate a broad-spectrum pulse that'll reset Wes's directive. And fry all our car stereos. He says it's no guarantee. Lex says he's not asking for guarantees. He's asking for results. Lex really needs to get laid. His blue-hued balls are really starting to affect his work. Lex says he wants Ares back online. He tells them to start the pulse. You mean the 90s station on Sirius? I love The Pulse! Mr. Science is stressed. He wants a vacation away from people screaming at him in the middle of the night. If he wanted that, he'd go back to working at Papa John's.

The blinking satellite eye. The satellite repositions itself, which involves running the footage we saw at the beginning backward. Hello again, Earth!

Fort Addleson. "I killed a United States Senator?" Wes asks. Uh, yeah, you did. Try not to take it too hard, dude. You were really not yourself. In fact, since you died, you really can't expect to be. Lois asks how he ended up like this. Well, first he was in Battlestar Galactica, and then his agent heard about a guest spot on a sinking ship of a CW show, and he's well familiar with lost causes... Wes explains that he was stationed in Afghanistan and that his convoy hit an I.E.D. A birth control device? Nooooo! He says he woke up in a military hospital, and that was when Lex showed up. "I should have known," Lois grumbles. Wes says that Lex offered him a way to keep serving his country. Lois says it turned him into a brain-dead assassin. "You think this is what I signed on for?" he asks angrily. He was told that Project Ares would protect soldiers on the field so they wouldn't end up like him. Lois promises that they'll get Lex. She says they'll expose the project and Lex. Wes starts to twitch again. Uh-oh. He holds his head. He grunts hilariously. "They're! Trying! To get back...into my head!" he says. Lois tells him to look at her. "Run! RUUUUNN!" he yells. Lois does. Wes's face loses expression. He disappears again, Predator-style. Scary music.

More Smallville Legends. Check out part four at the web site.

Kent Farm at night. Clark and Chloe enter the front door. Clark thinks that Lex is experimenting on Wes to make him a super-soldier. So what are you doing at the farm? Go get him! Chloe says Wes has pick-and-choose meteor powers. She says Oliver told her the same thing about an earlier model they found out in the desert. This took place in the "Legends" comic, off-screen. Chloe says it's not the first time one of the units has gone AWOL. Chloe says they were barely able to stop the soldier with a mini-nuke that broke through his force field. MamaKent enters the room, offering up some help. She was able to get Wes's military jacket. She says she had to call in a few favors and promise a dozen of her own. Yeah. Probably not worth it. "Lois is right. Wes was a hero," Clark says, reading the folder. Awesome. MamaKent will get right on those political blowjobs now. Chloe thinks it's significant that he took Lois instead of killing her. She thinks that if the programming is failing, he might be taking her to a familiar place. This is the "pulling things out of her ass that are 100 percent accurate" portion of the show. Clark says the military base where Wes grew up, Fort Addleson, was decommissioned five years ago. It's near Metropolis, conveniently. Chloe starts to say that Lois was there in junior high and -- Clark whooshes out of the room, making Chloe and MamaKent's hair fly. Chloe asks MamaKent if she ever gets used to that. "Not really," MamaKent says. Just one of the great scenes she gets to do before she leaves the show! It's too much, really! Save all that acting for your big episode when...oh. That's probably never going to happen.

Lois is in the Fort Addleson warehouse, running. Is that really wise? He can run way faster, you know. Lois climbs a fence as needlessly frantic music tries to give the scene some energy. Lois runs and runs. A door she's trying to reach closes. Locks. Lois whimpers. "Wes?" she calls. She tells him he has to fight this. She tells him he's not a murderer. We see from Wes's point of view a weird thermal vision that makes Lois look like a giant Ewok. She looks around, trying to find him. In thermal-vision, we see him hold out a hand. He chokes the Ewok! ("Choking the Ewok" is urban slang, by the way, for making a protected left turn. What did you think it meant? What? You're so dirty.) Lois gags. We see Lois being lifted by the neck by Invisible Wes. She falls, limp. Clark zips in and catches her. She's not conscious. We see Clark carrying her in Thermo-Vision. Clark walks, looking in all directions as he goes. He sets Lois down on some sandbags. Fails to use his super hearing. Still thermal, we see Clark get punched in the face. He goes flying and breaks some wood. Clark gets up, dazed. He doesn't see anybody. Wes suddenly appears up on the rafters. Shouldn't he have stayed invisible? Wes jumps, looking to take Clark down with his knife. I hope that knife is made of Kryptonite or you're just going to break it. Wes sails to Clark in slow motion. Clark fires up his eye beams. His eyes go orange. He fires a strong beam of energy. The beam sends Wes flying backward. Clark opens his mouth halfway, pleasurably. Was it good for you, baby? Gayest Look of the Episode. Wes lands on his back.

Lois wakes up. She sees Wes lying on the ground. She goes to him. "System...damaged," he says. Plot...needs...wrapping up. Commercial...soon. He spits out a series of numbers. He's all twitchy. Lois tries to get his attention. He chuckles when he recognizes Lois. Then he winces. Lois tries to make him feel better, saying she's going to get help. He tells her not to. "Better this way," he says. "They'll never...stop trying...to control me." They'll never...fix...my ability...to speak...in complete...sentences! Lois tells him to hold on. Wes tells Lois not to let them do this to anybody else. Lois promises. She tells him not to leave her. Sad music plays. Wes exhales and leaves Lois. She begins to cry. "Wes? Wes! Come on!" she cries. "Don't leave me!" Clark watches from the other side of the warehouse. He, too, is sad. Killing reanimated robots is kind of a bummer.

Commercials. Is it just me, or are the Victoria's Secret models getting younger? I don't like feeling like a lech just watching CW commercials. (All right, maybe a little.)

Kent Farm, daytime. Clark is staring at Wes's file. "How does this happen?" Clark asks. Usually, they just paperclip a photo to a set of military records and put it in a stamped folder. It's not the complicated, really. Clark is bitter that Wes wanted to serve his country and ended up being used as a pawn. Hey, that might happen to you someday, Supes, if Ronald Reagan ever becomes president again. Clark hopes that things will be better now that Senator Burke is gone. MamaKent says it's not that easy. Wherever there's power, she says, there'll be men like Lex to exploit that power. Clark wonders if she can do something, like open up an investigation. Yeah, an investigation that leads right back to Clark. Awesome idea. MamaKent says she's a little fish in a tiny pond, and her influence doesn't go that far up. Papa Luthor, standing right inside the screen door (without Clark noticing?) says perhaps it's time to extend that influence. He says he just got off the phone with the governor, and they were discussing having MamaKent fill Burke's congressional seat. Whoah, whoah, whoah. No. No way. She may be nice and smart and very easy on the eyes, but seriously. Come on. He says it would be until the election. "Me?" she asks incredulously. Papa Luthor gives a little speech about restoring the faith that Burke has tarnished by getting someone with unassailable character. He says the governor agreed she's the perfect choice for the U.S. Senate. "Clark. You agree?" Papa asks. Clark gives Papa a dirty look until he actually pulls the starter cord on his brain and considers the question. Yes! That actually sounds great! Still hate you, old man. Clark stands. He tells MamaKent she should do it. He says Bo Duke would have wanted her to do it. MamaKent says she can't move to Washington since they're barely keeping the farm going now. Papa says that Clark can take care of that. Of course. That's just what this show needs. More chores. Clark says they can lease out the back forty to Ben Hubbard. "He's been wanting to work that land for years," Clark says. He's been wanting to work the farmboy even more. Clark says he was always taught to put others first and to use his abilities to help those in need. He says Mama has the chance to affect so many people's lives if she goes to Washington. Papa looks on with admiration. Clark says she needs to go if she wants to make a real difference. He says that's where people like Wes need her to be. MamaKent looks dazed.

Stately Luthor Manor. Lex is on the phone. He tells someone that he doesn't care what it takes; he wants the body transported to the lab immediately. "Make it happen!" he yells. Lana, wearing another no-sleeve shirt and showing no visible wound on her shoulder, comes into the room. "Hey! You're up!" Lex says. Lana says she's been up for a while and Lex never came home last night. Lex says there was an unforeseen complication on Project Ares. "Ares?" Lana asks, pretending not to know anything. Lex says it's the secret thing he was discussing with Senator Burke the day before. Lex knows she was listening right outside the door. Surveillance cameras, woman! Will you never learn? Lana winces. Lana tells Lex she's sorry. She says there's no excuse and her curiosity got the best of her. "You're not a cat, Lana," Lex tells her. You're the world's most curious squirrel! "Don't skulk around like her," he says, annoyed. Lana looks defiant, but says it won't happen again. Fiercely, Lex says that every time he's opened his heart to someone he cares about, he's been very disappointed. "If...if you ever betrayed me...I don't know what I'd do," he says. His eyes are dead. Without naming names, Lana says, "I'd never hurt the man I love." Lex just stares. He fake-smiles. "Of course not," he says. He tells her that if there's anything she wants to know about his business dealings, "Just ask." Simple enough. Will Lana do it? No way. "No secrets?" she asks. "No secrets," he tells her. Now, about that sex...

Metropolis fly-over. Inside The Daily Planet. "Mrs. Kent goes to Washington," Chloe says to Clark as they walk together. She says that if anyone can give Jimmy Stewart a run for his money, it's MamaKent. Clark wishes Papa Luthor weren't helping her. Chloe asks if Clark thinks Papa's got something up his Armani sleeve. "When doesn't he?" Clark asks. Clark says that for now, Papa's son is a bigger problem. Chloe calls that an understatement. Chloe says Lex has always had a dark side, but with what we've seen recently, it's going pitch black. Yeah, sure, toe the party line, Chloe. Clark hopes Lana is nowhere near him when the lights go out. Chloe hopes he's behind bars before that. Chloe says that Lois is meeting with the feds at the morgue. She thinks that as soon as they find the connection to Lex -- Lois cuts her off. "Don't hold your breath. Wes's body is gone," Lois tells them. The feds didn't believe Lois because she works at The Inquisitor. Lois says Wes deserved better than this. Clark says he's sorry. "Don't be sorry for me," Lois tells him. "Be sorry for Lex." She says he's going to pay for what he did to Wes, and she's going to make "damn sure" he doesn't do it to anyone else. She walks out in a huff. Clark and Chloe exchange worried looks.

Project Ares headquarters. Maybe if they built a large rocket that would propel the Earth into the sun... Someone pulls a sheet off of Wes's dead body. Lex leans in. "You were almost perfect," he says to the body. A perfect specimen of manhood! So...dominant! "Take him apart," Lex tells the Cenobites. By which I mean "Mr. Science." Lex wants to make sure this doesn't happen again. Mr. Science says it won't do any good. They used up all the good parts they harvested from Titan. He says they don't have enough alien peptides to continue the project. Why not just use a protein bar? Lex says he's working on procuring a replacement. "I promise you, doctor. This isn't the end of Project Ares." Lex pushes a button on a console, and a panel rises. Lex says this is just the beginning. Lights come up on a giant body warehouse where hundreds of Wes clones are lying on platforms, all wearing identical silver shorts. We hear scary chants. In just seven days (and six long nights), Lex can make you all men! This is going to be the most confusing orgy ever.

week: Season finale time. Will you cry weird tears? We'll have to see.