The Big Snooze

S06E20

By Omar G

Here's the scoop, see? Jimmy Olsen really loves his dame, Chloe, so he sets up a movie picture at her work, real nice-like. Bogey and Bacall, The Big Sleep, classic gumshoe stuff. But hold on, stop the presses. Just when the gettin's good, a gunshot pierces through the office like a Chinese firecracker in an empty room. It's Lana Luthor, the gal we call, "Miss No Personality" around the office. She's been shot in the shoulder, and that bullet didn't stop to ask for directions when it nailed her in a Daily Planet elevator. Jimmy gets a shot of a creep running away with his newfangled camera-phone. Just as Jimmy's about to take a look at the goods with his computer doohickey, he gets a nasty conk on the noggin, free of charge from a mystery man. Jimmy, asleep on the desk, slips into a 1940s world of slow cars and slower men. It's black and white, deep shadows, high contrast, big cars and cigarettes that are actually good for ya. In Jimmy's dream, he's a reporter who gets sucked into a plot by Lana Luthor, a femme fatale convinced her man, Lex Luthor, is makin' time with a floozy singer who looks a lot like Lois Lane and sings like an American Idol top-24'er. Jimmy meets Chloe, who's an ace assistant at the paper, and beefy Clark Kent, a big slab of man who turns out to be a police detective with killer biceps who fell in love with Lana Luthor. Jimmy kills Lex Luthor, thinking he's protecting Lana, but they played him like a double-stringed fiddle. In the end, Lex is dead, Lana gets shot by do-gooder Clark Kent, and Jimmy goes to jail. Them's the breaks, Jimmy. Jimmy wakes up in the present day remembering a cigarette case that Lana was carrying when she was shot, and that was picked up by Lois Lane, who came to the scene sniffing for a story. How they let a reporter from a rival paper into a crime scene at The Planet we'll never know. Jimmy figures out that Lana was meeting with a Planet reporter to expose a scheme Lex has hatched with a senator. She was also trying to implicate Papa Luthor to get out from under their thumb. A reporter dies when all this comes out and Lana's in the hospital. Lana confesses to Chloe that she was forced to marry Lex to protect Clark. Papa Luthor discovers Lex's connection to the senator through a computer drive in the cigarette case that Lois stole. He tells Lois to watch her back. Clark decides to help Lana, whether she wants it or not. And that's the straight skinny, folks. Have a pleasant night and stay tuned for The Pepsodent Variety Hour.

I hope you love old movies! Old black-and-white movies with dames and goons! That's totally The CW's demographic sweet spot, isn't it? Young people who also happen to love Turner Classic Movies. How amazingly prescient about the tastes of its audience was The CW and the Smallville head honchos? So in tune that this was the lowest rated episode in six seasons. Bravo, Smallville. You really knocked this one out of the park. (The abandoned park.)

We open on the coast (sigh) of the Kansas metropolis of...uh, Metropolis. Lightning flashes. It's nighttime, and the city is lit up like a big Canadian coastal town. We go directly from this very wide establishing shot to the interior of The Daily Planet. According to the wall clock, it's 2:00 AM. Chloe and Jimmy, who have the place to themselves, are walking together. Jimmy's got his hands on Chloe's eyes to blindfold her as he shuffles behind her. Chloe says she won't likely be surprised, given that she knows these hallways better than anyone. Giggling, she says she can't go too far away because she needs to stay near the phone. Jimmy brings her into an archive room. He tells her that he transferred the phone over, and that it's not her fault she got stuck on phone duty on the night that Senator Burke is in town. Is a senator being in any town that big a deal? It's about as newsworthy as a president saying something dumb. We see a movie projector nearby. Jimmy says that unless the senator goes to the local pole-dancing parlor (we've seen it), they can still keep their date. They sit on the couch, and Chloe gets to have her eyes back. There's a giant bowl of popcorn and some sodas on ice. Jimmy set up a movie night complete with a big projector screen.

Chloe tells him he's the best boyfriend a girl could have. "Right back atchoo, schweetheart," he says, doing a pretty piss-poor Bogart. Jimmy, I'm saying this for your own good: don't Bogart it, dude. Chloe kisses him, despite the stale Humphreyness of it all. Jimmy gets up and starts the projector. Feisty '40s music plays immediately. Myah, see? He tells her he thought she could use a break from her own soap opera. Chloe asks what he means. The old-school WB logo appears perfectly on the screen (Jimmy's been calibrating his projector), followed by the title, The Big Sleep. Is this the one with Robert De Niro and Robin Williams in a hospital? Jimmy tells her that she lives the soap opera every day, but from the outside. "Your life's got Cagney and Stanwyck written all over it," Jimmy says. Hey, Jimmy. Sorry to correct you, buddy, but it's Cagney & Lacey. Jeez. Do I have to fix all your mistakes? Chloe grins and goes with the flow. Jimmy says they've got the billionaire mogul, the confused damsel who chose money over love, and a best friend who mysteriously appears because he can't seem to find a real job. Was that a crack at Clark? Because if so, I love it! He says there's also the "steadfast dame" they all depend on. Chloe chuckles and says it's a real glimpse into the mind of Jimmy Olsen. Frankly, I was hoping for more skeletons. I bet he wore a lame fedora in high school and tried to get everybody to listen to Etta James.

Chloe informs Jimmy that "dame" is not so flattering. Tell that to Edna and Judi Dench. We watch the movie. "What's your name?" Martha Vickers as Carmen asks Humphrey Bogart's Philip Marlowe. He says it's "Doghouse Reilly." She says that's a funny name and asks if he's a prize fighter. No, he says, he's a shamus. Jimmy, creepily, is mouthing all the dialogue, even that of the Carmen character. We cut back and forth from the screen to Jimmy's mouth to Chloe looking at him and not running for the door. Carmen asks, "What's a shamus?" It's a private detective. Jimmy stops his one-man drama club to say that they don't make them like they used to. Do you mean TV shows? This one in particular? Carmen falls into Marlowe's arms. Chloe asks if he means movies or people. Jimmy turns to her. They kiss. Something interrupts them. Maybe the sound mix on my TV station's broadcast was bad, but I didn't hear anything. The closed captioning says, "[Gunshot]." Jimmy and Chloe both turn to the screen and figure out that the sound (the one I didn't hear) wasn't from the movie. They both rush out of the room as the movie keeps playing. As they run into the newsroom, someone in dark clothing is darting up the stairs. Instead of pursuing, Jimmy whips out his flip phone and takes a grainy-ass crap cell phone picture. You could have called security with that phone, you know. Chloe calls Jimmy over. An elevator door keeps trying to close, but it's blocked by the leg of a woman in a green dress with silver high heels. They open the elevator door. A gun lies to Lana Lang. She's in a dark green dress and her left shoulder has been shot. A pool of blood is to her. The gunshot wound on her front isn't pouring out blood, and it just looks weird. She's unconscious. Maybe she's taking a big sleep. Chloe and Jimmy don't scream or freak out. Boy, they're more jaded than me.

Opening credits! These will soon change. Enjoy them while they last. Commercials. Music and Lyrics. Are waterbeds punchlines now? Does that make it funny that I slept on one all through high school?

Forget establishing shots! We're back at The Daily Planet. Lana is being taken out on a stretcher with the bullet wound having magically moved to her right shoulder. At least I hope that's what they're trying to staunch with that gauze on her right. It's all right that they made such a major gaffe since apparently nobody saw this episode. Clark hurries into the room and makes his way down the stairs past a bunch of people just standing around. So an attempted murder happens in a private building and they just let anyone off the street come in? Come on. The building would be in total lockdown right now. A police officer stops Clark. Clark asks if Lana's going to be all right. Chloe is already there to pull him away. She says that Lana is hurt pretty badly. Jimmy takes pictures. He gets shots of the medical team with Lana's stretcher. Papa Luthor, wearing a tuxedo, is there. He whispers to Lana that he's sorry he got her caught up in all this. She's still unconscious. "I'll find whoever did this. I'll find them," he says. He notices Jimmy taking photos in the background. Jimmy lowers his camera as Papa Luthor gives him a dirty look. Oh, whatever, dude. It's a newsroom. In fact, where are all the other staff photographers? And reporters? Editors? Printing press workers? Interns? Web staff? Papa walks past Jimmy and gives him another look. Jimmy takes a shot of Lana's scattered items on the floor. There's a compact and a silver cigarette case. Lex makes his way down the stairs, and nobody even bothers to ask for a quote. He asks Papa Luthor where he can find Lana. Papa says she's being medevac'd to Smallville to see her specialist. You mean they'd rather see a specialist in a tiny town than one in Metropolis? Contrivance! Lex is mad and says that Papa was with her at the opera. Papa Luthor fires back that Lex didn't even show up and that he dropped Lana off afterward at her car an hour ago. "You'd better hope she's all right," Lex says desperately. They exchange mean looks. Worst father-son three-legged race ever!

Lois, who shouldn't have even been allowed in the building (she's the competition!) is flirting with a police officer, trying to get information out of him. Carrying a huge purse and wearing a press badge, she tells the officer he must have some idea what's going on. He tells her that he can't say anything. Lois says a girl's gotta try. The officer gets called away. Lois sees a paper with "1" on it, marking some evidence that nobody has bothered to collect or guard. There are the silver cigarette case, a big silver cigar holder, and some keys. Lois smiles. She opens her purse and drops its contents on the floor. She does it really, really slowly. She bends down to pick up her stuff. Papa Luthor notices what she's doing. She picks up her items along with the cigarette case, then scoots back under the police tape. She calls herself a klutz. Arrest this woman! She's a menace!

Jimmy, Chloe, and Clark have convened in a nearby office. Chloe says that the police are calling the attack on Lana a mugging. Jimmy thinks it's weird that she was "Wining and dining with Daddy Warbucks" instead of Lex. Clark is mad that the would-be killer is still at large. Chloe says that the culprit left fingerprints on the gun. Jimmy asks what Lana was doing there in the middle of the night. Clark says that ever since she married Lex, he's been angry. He starts to blame himself for not protecting her. He vows to find the person who did this. Yeah, why don't you go do that? We'll wait here. Chloe says maybe he'll have better luck than the police. Clark leaves. Chloe bosses Jimmy, telling him to download the photos he took of the attacker. Jimmy is taken aback that he's being treated like a gopher. He goes to do it anyway as Chloe gets to work on her computer.

Jimmy transfers the photos from his cell phone and camera to a computer back in the movie screening room. The movie is still playing. In the film, Bogey threatens to slap a woman. Huh. We see the shadow of a man go across the movie screen. The man raises a small weapon. He hits Jimmy over the head. Jimmy's head falls on the desk. Then things get a little weird.

We cut immediately to black-and-white. Jimmy's face is still on a desk, but he's wearing a suit, and his hair is all slick-like. There's an old typewriter to him. It's The Wizard of Oz in reverse. Jimmy's phone is ringing. He raises his head. We see a smoky newsroom where reporters are buzzing around, chattering. Everybody's wearing 1940s clothing, and the room is rich with shadows. Chloe, with a big Lucille Ball hairdo, slaps some newspapers on his desk and asks him if he's sleeping on the job, and if so, what's the big idea? Why, I oughtta... Jimmy stammers. "I don't? I can't? What's gotten into you, Jimmy Olsen?" Chloe, doing her brassy '40s voice, asks. She says the whole place is abuzz with the senator's visit (not big news, even in the '40s), and that Jimmy's on the train to dreamland. That sounds like an awesome train. Jimmy glances at the paper. The date on it is May 3, 1940. Chloe says that she didn't take a job slinging coffee for just anyone. She picked the best: "I tell ya, the best!" She says The Daily Planet has never seen a reporter like Jimmy, and she plans on keeping it that way.

Chloe starts to walk off, but a big lunk of manliness runs into her. It's Clark Kent, wearing big black-framed glasses and a tie plus suspenders. Nerd! He drops a bunch of little papers and apologizes. Clark stands and sees that Chloe spilled coffee on herself. He says that they haven't even met yet and he's already ruined her blouse. Jimmy watches as Clark makes a big show of dabbing her boobs with a napkin trying to clean her up. I think this is frowned upon even today in the workplace. Chloe just smiles at him and doesn't move to slap. "This is very..." he says. It's all right. Even back then, they knew Clark was a little...not very straight. Chloe just smiles. Clark awkwardly introduces himself. He adjusts his glasses. Chloe says it's quite all right. She gives him a little flirty glance as he goes to a desk and attacks a typewriter with two fingers. Jimmy asks what's up with those glasses. Chloe says it's a special delivery from the mailroom. She asks if she's supposed to answer Jimmy's phone, too. He tries to figure out how to work the old-fashioned phone. "Hello?" he tries, then he settles on a more era-appropriate "Olsen here." A woman with lots of lipstick is on the other end of the line. We only see her mouth as she says, "I hear you're the best." You heard that from Chloe just now? This is a very small city with great acoustics. She says she wants to report a murder. "Whose?" Jimmy asks. "Mine," says the woman, who sounds an awful lot like Lana Lang. The scene closes as the frame shrinks from a big circle to a tiny circle.

Commercials. Aw, I was hoping to see some ads for cigarettes, liquor, and healthy asbestos insulation. No such luck. As I recently told a friend of mine, there's really no good asbestos. Asbestos, for lack of a better word, is bad. They should call it badbestos.

We return to old stock footage of what looks like Times Square (hey, what's a "Sqibb?" Isn't that what they use almost every week when one of the main characters gets shot?). Dramatic gumshoe music plays as we side-wipe to a back alley. An old tank of a car with whitewall tires parks. We see a man in a trench coat and hat (Jimmy) waiting at the other end. A woman's heel appears as it exits the car. The camera stays low as we follow the woman getting out of the car and approaching Jimmy. She walks right through a puddle instead of around the thing. The camera goes up, and we see that it's Lana Lang (now Lana Luthor), wearing a dark skirt past the knees and a giant mink stole that looks like it's going to open its mouth and swallow her. She looks paler than usual but is wearing tons of makeup. Her hair is long and wavy. She apologizes for keeping Mr. Olsen waiting. Jimmy's got on a hat, and that, along with the big coat, makes him look much more broad-shouldered than usual. It looks like a Gerber baby's face pasted onto a giant's body. Jimmy calls her "the untouchable Lana Luthor." Wow, he's heard that Lex isn't getting any, even in this fantasy world. Jimmy says this isn't such a good idea. He says her "old man" owns half of Metropolis, including the building at 1000 Broadway. "Big globe on top," he adds. They print newspapers there. And reporters work in the building. Need more clues? It rhymes with "Maily Fannit." "This talking could lose me my job," he says.

Lana says better his job than her life. See, no. Not really. Jimmy's the best, the best, see?! You're probably not the best at being alive. Lana's doing a weird thing where she's bouncing slightly, and maybe she's nervous about these scenes, but it looks like she's out of breath or fighting off the flu. She says that her husband is trying to kill her. Maybe it's just a nasty virus. Jimmy asks why she'd believe a thing like that. Lana inches forward and says that the other day, a car tried to hit her on 6th Street, then sped away. She doesn't think it was an accident. She asks if she can call him Jimmy. He says it's "James," actually. Oh, whatever, Gerber baby. Lana tries to put the flirt on. She says he's so confident and brave, and she's so afraid. Moist in the eyes, she asks him to spare a bit of his strength for her. Lana's got a nice husky voice for this era, but she can't project for shit. She's still whispering everything. Seriously, has someone taken her temperature? She really does look a bit ill. Jimmy says that he always knew something didn't sit right with Lex Luthor. Maybe it's from all the anal penetration. He says it's a shame a girl like her had to get caught up in this business. What does he know about her at all? Or the business? She could be more evil than Lex. Nice reporting, James. He asks if she has any proof. Lana presents the silver cigarette case. Jimmy opens the thing. There's wads of money and a matchbook for The Talon. Guess where he's going ? Lana asks him to keep it. She says it's a "thank you" for the help. She walks away. The camera follows her rump as she goes. A train passes as the two walk in opposite directions.

Side-wipe! The Talon is now housed in a seedy set of buildings. There's a small neon sign that reads, "The Talon Club." The place has a striped canopy. It's to a hotel. Cars are lined up along the street outside. Inside, Jimmy has checked in his hat and coat. He turns and is stopped by a hand on the chest. Jimmy says he's here to see a friend. "Ain't everyone?" says a tall bald man with a tiny moustache. Jimmy says he doesn't want any trouble. Just as things are about to get rough, someone emerges from the shadows. It's Clark Kent. He's gone from the crapper to dapper. Gone are the glasses. The hair is slick, shiny and nicely molded. He's wearing a nice-fitting dark suit. The camera zooms in on him. Pretty! Shiny! Super! Clark says, "The kid's with me." He motions with his head toward the entrance. They go in. Suavity!

We peek through the curtains from Jimmy's point of view. The camera glides from table to table. Each one has a lamp on it, and people are drinking, smoking and having subdued fun. Clark, making a funny smooth face, comes into the club behind Jimmy, then walks past him. "Eyes back in your head, Olsen," he says, then keeps walking. A cigarette girl walks past. Jimmy, following, says he didn't peg Clark for the kind of guy with a secret identity. Clark waits an eternity, until they reach the bar, to answer, "And you're never gonna!" So much for snappy dialogue. Clark asks Jimmy to suppose he tells Clark what story he's working on. Suppose we stop supposing and just say what we're doing. Jimmy says there's no story. (Ace reporter!) He's just...thirsty. Clark says that if he had Jimmy's reputation, he wouldn't come within a hundred yards of this place unless he had some sort of scoop. Really, this place doesn't seem seedy at all. It's anti-seedy. The anti-seedant. Is there a human slave operation going on in the back? Some sort of opium den? We hear an awesome voice says, "Rye whiskey." It's Papa Luthor, and he is rockin' the sleazy bar-owner look. He's got on a white suit with a black bow tie, and his hair is slick like a baby seal in petroleum. He's got a mean, thin little moustache. He tells the bartender, "Rocks," and says to put it on Clark's tab. Papa says that "Kent" strolled in with his "crackerjack kid." "You tryin' to land me in the cooler?" he asks. Clark answers, "Cool your jets, Mack." He says Jimmy's just a little down on love. "Poor sucker," Papa observes. "Dames is poison." Boy, howdy! And here I thought it was just me who thought "Lana Lang" was a synonym for hemlock. Speaking of ladies who'll make you choke, Lois Lane comes down the Talon stairs wearing a creamy satiny dress and a big flower in her hair. She tries really hard not to fall down the steps as she walks carefully. A piano starts to play as she goes "doo doo, doo doo...," which is sort of a foreshadowing of the quality of the song about to be sung. Lois, spotlight on her, strides to the big microphone, and it picks her up before she even gets close to the thing. She begins singing. It's not bad. At first. She thrusts out her chest and turns to the side as she sings, "I want somebody else, somebody who could beeeeee." Clark leans against the bar. The piano player doesn't even bother to look toward the stage. "Someone not like yourself, but somebody who loves me," Lois continues. I have a feeling Leonard Bernstein didn't write these lyrics. The bass player to Lois tries to hold in a giggle. Clark gives Jimmy a funny look. He asks if that's what Jimmy's after. "Get in line," he adds. Oy, that doesn't speak well of Lois. Jimmy scoffs and says it's not. He's just admiring the view.

By Omar G

Car chase. They do the old movie-background thing as the cars are in motion. Jimmy pushes the car past sixty-five. He hits a sign for a county judge named "Mortimer X. Welsh." Stock footage of car headlights. Jimmy sees a railroad crossing. He pushes his luck. Jimmy floors it and passes the crossing. Lex has to swerve to avoid the train, and he raises his hands and crosses them as his car topples over and plops down. Jimmy can't believe his luck. Lex, in the wreck, crawls out the window. He's not thrilled. Jimmy keeps driving. Stock footage of a car driving away. No fancy wipe to commercials, just a fade over dramatic music.

Commercials. Smallville Legends part three. Check it out here.

Stately Luthor Manor, nighttime, opened to with the Widening Circle Wipe. Is that really a wipe? I should know more about wiping considering I do it every day, sometimes twice. We get the fountain establishing shot, but in black-and-white. Inside, a butler is leading Jimmy "James" Olsen down the hallway. Jimmy at least has the decency not to wear his fedora inside the house. The butler leads Jimmy wordlessly to the Lair of Lex. Jimmy doesn't notice that Lana, smoking, is standing in the corner. "Did anyone follow you?" she asks. Jimmy followed the butler. Does that count? Jimmy says that he lost them hours ago. Lana saunters over. She says he shouldn't have come, and that Lex could be home any minute. She goes to the liquor stand and pours herself a drink. She's not a very convincing smoker. Lana says she can't bear this any longer. "Has it all been in my head?" she asks. No, we're in Jimmy's head this week. If you want us to be in your head for a whole episode, you should lobby the writers, but I'll warn you that we all have a cyanide pill waiting for that day. She asks if she's just been making up stories to amuse herself. If so, this is a pretty piss-poor attempt at amusement. She drinks. Jimmy tells her that he's afraid not. Jimmy hands her a small photo of Lex kissing Lois. He had time to go develop the picture and print it on a small piece of photo paper? Lana says that if she runs, Lex will track her down, and if she confronts him, he'll make it look like an accident. Maybe you should just chill, then. She breathes so that her whole body looks weird and uncomfortable. Jimmy says not to worry. He'll take care of Lex. Really? Lana gives Jimmy the doe eyes. She puts down the photo and goes to a drawer where a gun lies by itself. She puts an arm around Jimmy and shows him the pistol. She says it's for him to protect himself. She says she couldn't bear it if anything happened to Jimmy. Didn't they just meet? Jimmy is the most gullible reporter ever. The BEST at being gullible, the best, I tell ya! Their faces are close to each other. It looks like they might kiss. Instead, Jimmy just takes the gun. Lightning flashes while thunder crashes.

We use that to cut to a parking lot full of cars. It's raining. Lex gets out of his (repaired) car. He and Jimmy are meeting. Lex says, "Nice driving back there." Lex says not to worry. He kept his word. He's alone. Jimmy says Lex's word isn't worth much. Lex says it doesn't matter; by tomorrow, Jimmy will be picking lead out of his lungs. How colorful! Jimmy holds up the tiny photo, forcing Lex to walk closer to see it. Jimmy says that if that happens, this picture will be the day's headline. With text added, of course. Lex figures this isn't about a raise. Jimmy says that what Lex does with the singer is his business, but he's not going to let Lex bump off Lana. Lex is amused. Jimmy says he heard Lex say he was getting rid of her. Lex says, "Sure I am. Once the divorce is final." He says he filed for it today. Lex says Jimmy's not the first sucker that Lana has spun in her web. Lex says Jimmy had better get out before he sticks. Lex reaches abruptly into his inside coat pocket. Jimmy reacts quickly, pulling out his gun and shooting Lex. Lex drops what was in his pocket. He falls forward. Grabs Jimmy on the way. "Gardenia," he says, dying. Lex lands on the ground. Jimmy takes off as sirens blare. The police have arrived immediately. Jimmy runs the other way. The police give chase. Overhead angle.

Side-wipe! We get the classic shot where the camera pans across reporters in phone booths saying, "Get me the chief!" or "I got a hot one, put the copy desk on the line!" What excitement! Lucy Ricardo, er, Chloe Sullivan enters the room and asks the operator what all the "flurry" is about. Cheerily, the operator says that there's been a murder, and that they think the victim is Lex Luthor. He must have been a shitty boss for everyone to be so thrilled about that. Chloe, on purpose, spills a Coke bottle all over the operator. She apologizes for being a klutz and says she'll take over while the operator cleans up. The woman exits. Chloe takes the reins of the phone system. She listens in as a police officer says into the radio, "Mr. Lex Luthor, dead on arrival." He says that a press pass from the paper was found with the photo of Lex and the singer. He describes the fleeing suspect as Chloe listens in split-screen. Brown hair. 5-foot-10. Medium build. Brown coat. "Jimmy!" Chloe whispers to herself. Ya think? She rushes out of the room.

The Talon Club. It's last call, according to Papa Luthor. Jimmy, disheveled, is at the bar. He asks for another drink -- this time, a double. Papa Luthor pours and says only one thing will drive a man to drink alone. Jimmy says he wishes it was as simple as a dame. Papa insists that there's nothing simple about them. "That's why we keep comin' back for more, eh?" Wait, what are we talking about, again? Dames? Is that it? I hear there's nothing like one. Chloe rushes in. She says she's been in every gin joint in town looking for him. She says she figured it would be the last place he was, but the first place she'd find him. Huh? She says they think he shot Lex Luthor. Sweaty, Jimmy says, "I shot him all right. Went down cold right in front of me." Chloe says she's not going to let him go down for this. Even after that confession? Chloe thinks he was set up. Chloe shows Jimmy a big folder. She says that the "shiny new reporter" Clark Kent has been dialing her line ever since he came to town. She also says that the boss's lady might be getting more from Clark Kent than the headlines. I'm trying to think of a dirty joke about font size, but it's just not coming to me. Jimmy closes the folder and rushes out of the club. Papa Luthor is already on the phone. He tells someone that "Boy Wonder" may have taken the bait, but he won't -- he's onto the person on the other end of the line. Lana's on the other end. She says that now, Papa's at the top of the lowlife food chain, and she's out from under a suffocating marriage. She hangs up. Slowly puts on a skirt over her slip. Hey, I know that lunky guy in the background! Clark Kent, wearing a no-sleeve undershirt, comes up behind her. Holy beefy biceps! Ladies, start your engines! (But not you, Lana.) Lana says there's something she has to go take care of. Clark spins her around and kisses her. She tells him not to worry. She says they won't have to sneak around much longer. Clark, the lug, watches her go. She takes a gun and puts it in her tiny purse. Dramatic music.

By Omar G

Commercials. Smallville Legends part three. Check it out here.

By Omar G

We cut to the elevator. Chloe and Jimmy emerge from it on a different floor. They're on the sixth floor, which a sign says is for "Political correspondence." Chloe asks aloud what Lana got herself into. Jimmy picks the lock on a nearby door. Chloe asks where he learned that. He says some girls are into sports cars, but he figures Chloe is more a lockpicker girl. Better to be the keymaster. According to exit records (they keep those, but they let anyone in the building?), a reporter named "Brennan" was the last person from this floor to be in the building when Lana was shot. Jimmy finds a boring bowling trophy on a cabinet. A youngish reporter in a black coat enters the room. This must be Brennan. He asks what the hell they're doing in there. Jimmy says they have reason to believe he was with Lana the night before. This is the night? I thought it was the same late night. The reporter pretends not to have ever met her. Jimmy goes straight to the accusation. Brennan pulls out a cell phone and says he's calling security. Chloe says he can tell them why he knocked out Jimmy and erased his photo. She says the building was sealed off by police (that's how Lois and Clark and Papa Luthor got in?) and that only someone with prior access could have done it. This is a bunch of bullshit. There were other people in the building who could have done that. Brennan doesn't challenge it at all. He says that Lana had a story and wanted to meet with him. He says he heard the gunshot and ran down the stairs, but he ran away when Chloe and Jimmy came. He claims not to have shot her. Brennan apologizes for Jimmy's head trauma, but he thinks the police would never have believed him if they'd seen the photo. Jimmy asks what Lana was bringing to Brennan. We see a shadow move on the other side of the door's smoky glass. Brennan says that Lana needed help and -- BOOM! A gunshot breaks the glass and hits Brennan. He yelps and falls. Jimmy tells Chloe to call 911 and gives chase. Chloe pulls out her cell phone. She dials Clark instead as Jimmy unwisely runs after the person with the gun.

In the hallway, Jimmy tackles the person with the gun, who didn't seem in any rush to get out of there. They struggle. It's not anyone we'd recognize. Chloe tries to help Jimmy as they wrestle for the gun. Chloe gets kicked and knocked down. Jimmy gets punched, so he punches back. Hard. Chloe falls backward and tips over the staircase railing, very slowly. In a not-so-special effect, she falls, plummeting down the space between many flights of stairs. Tumble, tumble, tumble. A red shape whooshes in. Clark catches her on the bottom floor. Whew! She says he didn't have to wait till the last second. "What fun would that be?" he asks. Chloe chuckles.

By Omar G

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The heavy noir music is kind of driving me nuts. We return to an engraved sign that reads, "Daily Planet Building." You gotta love those crazy old-school fonts. Jimmy, his tie loosened for the night, sadly walks back to his old desk. Jimmy sees a shape behind a distorted glass panel with smoke rising. He thinks it's Clark. He starts talking about how he thinks Clark took him for a patsy and set him up right from the start. It really wasn't very hard. Jimmy says Clark saw a chance to bump off the old man, stick Jimmy with the blame, and run off with the girl. Yes. That was it exactly. Nice sleuthing, Shamus. "Why'd ya hafta..." Jimmy begins, but then he sees that it's actually Lana sitting at the desk with a big black hat. "He didn't. I did," she says. Jimmy says she's full of surprises. Like last week, when they changed her whole character. She tells "James" that she's sorry. Fiercely, he says, "They're gonna put. Me. Away." Eh, you'll probably get the chair. Lana says they won't get the chance. She pulls out a gun and aims it at Jimmy. Dames is poison! The soothsayer was right! A gunshot. Jimmy falls back onto a desk. We hear a second shot. Lana arches her back. Her hat falls off. Ow! Hat head! Jimmy watches Lana slump back onto the desk chair. There's a dark bead of blood falling from her lips. She looks to her left.

A dark, broad-shouldered shape enters the room, holding an entirely different gun. It's Clark Kent. He went from undershirt to full suit and overcoat. I guess his nipples got cold. "Why'd you make me do it?" he asks. Because you're dumb? Lana whispers, "It was all for you." These people really need the help of some experienced life planners. Murder is no way to solve these simple problems. Lana dies. Not very dramatically. Jimmy pulls something from his coat pocket. It's the cigarette case. A bullet is stuck to it. Smoke comes off it. "Gardenia," Jimmy whispers. No, "Rosebud!" Look at your script! Clark says that he should have known better. "Rule #1," he says, almost looking directly at the camera, "never get mixed up with a girl." It's the rare solo Gayest Look of the Episode. This is practically a PSA for homosexuality. "Not when you're on The Job," Clark says. No, no, it's, "never give jobs when you're...on the lam." Or something. I forget. But it's reeeeaaally dirty. "On the job?" Jimmy asks. Clark presents a badge that's in the shape of the Superman crest. He works at a sci-fi convention? Or a pewter factory?

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Smallville Medical Center. We restock our vending machines with Famous Amos cookies twice daily. Lana is on a hospital bed, sitting up, with her right arm in a sling. She winces as she tries to adjust herself. There are flowers to her. Chloe is standing in the doorway as the camera pans toward her. "Close call," she says unsympathetically. No guards? Lana is glad she doesn't remember much. Chloe closes the door and offers to fill her in on some of the details. She says that somebody didn't want Lana to give over the cigarette case goods, so they killed Brennan and tried to kill Lana. Chloe says Lex would never hurt the love of his life, so who did? Lana doesn't want to tell. She says it's complicated. Chloe says she's a quick learner. Lana says it's Papa Luthor. She says she's been forced to dig into Lex's affairs and turn everything over to Papa. Chloe says that Lana was going to turn over the info to the papers instead. "Why?" she asks. Is Chloe wearing carrot earrings? The hell? Chloe wants to know why Papa would use Lana instead of his own minions. She says he needed someone on the inside who could get close to Lex. Chloe asks if that's why Lana went through with the wedding. She asks why Lana would do that. "To protect Clark," Lana says glumly. Ugh. Here we go again. Chloe says he can take care of himself. "What about his weakness?" Lana asks. Hot bald men? He's on his own with that one. Chloe stops short of revealing what that weakness might be, but she tells Lana that Clark has to know he's in danger. Lana says she can't tell him. She asks Chloe to trust her even though she usually confides in Clark. Lana says that Clark's life may depend on it. Chloe is conflicted.

Daily Planet newsroom. Clark is grousing that he hasn't been able to find any information about Lana's attacker except that the guy is a hired gun. You need the help of a shamus! Or even a Samus. Chloe says that they just hit a dead end. She's lying. Clark is annoyed that Chloe is giving up. She avoids his gaze. Clark figures out that she's holding something back. He can't believe she's lying to him. "I can't believe you didn't hear the deafening irony in that statement!" she fires back. Clark has grabbed her shoulders. He says she must know how much Lana means to him. Yeah, dude. We fucking know. "First, ouch," Chloe says, brushing his hands away. She says that if Clark wants to help, to just stay out of it. Clark says that he'll find the attacker, with or without Chloe's help. Chloe asks how long Clark has kept his secret to protect Lana. He figures from that simple question that Lana might be trying to protect him. Oh, I am so blown away by the parallels. Truly, Smallville, you have reached the storytelling Pantheon (scattered applause). Chloe tries to explain that sometimes people have a really good reason for doing stuff you don't understand. Clark says that it couldn't be Lex because he'd never hurt Lana. Oh, really? Clark realizes it must be Papa Luthor doing the manipulating. Uh-oh.

Lana in her hospital room. She's surrounded by flowers. Lex is there. He kisses her on the side of the head as she sleeps. He walks out of the room and talks to his Number One Goon. Lex figures the guy must not have gotten much information about Lana's assailant. The guy agrees; he says the dude was bumped off as soon as he got to the county jail. That's a rough jail. It would be funny if Number One actually smelled like urine. Number One says that the gun at the crime scene belonged to Lex. Sweet baby's bootstraps! Lex says that the police didn't mention it. Number One says the ballistics report matches a gun belonging to Lex that's been missing. He thinks Lana must have lost it in a struggle. Lex says that Lana has never carried a gun. She did carry a fake baby, though. Lex wonders what she'd be so afraid of. You, maybe?

The alley behind The Talon. Jimmy is waiting. Chloe pulls up in a brand new blue Yaris. The Toyota Yaris! This show has given me special insight into this very vehicle. Sporty. "There's my hero!" she tells Jimmy as she gets out of the car. She shows off the front page of The Daily Planet. "HERO AMONG US," the headline blares. I prefer the more agricultural "FUNGUS AMONG US." The sub-head: "Aspiring Daily Planet photographer saves the day." Aspiring? Doesn't he actually work there? That's like when a head editor at a paper where I worked once posted a critique that said I was until recently a "Mere intern." Uh, thanks? Jimmy grouses that he prefers being behind the camera, not in front. Chloe says she was impressed with the Sam Spade quick thinking. It went pretty slow for us. Jimmy rehashes the dream, saying it was weird with Lana and Papa Luthor working together and Clark as a reporter by day, crime fighter by night. He says it's funny what your mind will cook up. Sometimes it becomes a lackluster script. Chloe shrugs. She asks why Jimmy took a detour to Podunk on his way to fame. Jimmy pulls out an iPod and says he made a playlist for Chloe to listen to while he's gone. Uh...gone? They make a huge show out of Jimmy plugging the iPod into an auxiliary audio cable plugged into the Yaris. Oh, geez. You know, most new cars do that now. Although I will admit when I was buying a new car last month, having one of those ports was a very big deal to me. Fine. You got me, Yaris. Well played. Jimmy plays the song that Lois was singing earlier. Was that on iTunes under, "Least Popular Songs of Any Era?" Jimmy says he's being sent on assignment. Chloe congratulates him. Jimmy says the photo editor finally knows his name. She asks if he's on the human trafficking story in Istanbul with Fletcher. Not exactly. It's a Polar Bear Swimming Club story in Milwaukee. Like the Daily Planet wouldn't just leave a story like that to the regional papers. Chloe says it's a start. Jimmy says there's something he has to do before he leaves. He puts a tiny digital camera on the car. Points it toward Chloe. He stands to her as the camera beeps. He dips her in a kiss while the Nikon camera shoots and the bad song plays in the iPod in the Yaris. It's the product-placement hat trick! The scene becomes a still camera shot. It fades to black-and-white. One last side-wipe! Ah. I'm spent.

By Omar G

Jimmy races down the last set of stairs in record time, calling Chloe's name. "Did you get him?" she asks. Jimmy says he knocked the guy out cold. He marvels that she doesn't have a scratch on her. He starts to ask how that's possible, but Chloe stops him with a big kiss. They hug, relieved. Jimmy chuckles. Chloe looks over Jimmy's shoulder to see Clark standing in the shadows. "Thank you," she mouths. Clark gives her a happy little nod and walks away. Chloe hugs her Jimmy some more.

The Talon (coffeehouse), nighttime. Lois arrives at the apartment, carrying her big green bag. Her laptop is opened. "Busy day, Miss Lane?" asks Papa Luthor, who has made himself comfortable on the couch. A goon of his turns on a floor lamp. She asks if breaking and entering means anything to rich people. He retorts that it means about as much as removing evidence from a crime scene. Nice! He says he caught her little "maneuver" at the paper. Has he caught her maneuvers at the strip club? He wasn't surprised that some evidence was missing. Lois lies and pretends she knows nothing. It's not hard. "George," Papa says softly. The thug grabs Lois roughly and takes her bag. He hands it to Papa Luthor. Papa dumps the contents on the table. I'm not surprised to see a giant hairbrush and a wadded-up Kleenex. He finds the case. Maybe there's an iPod in there. "Lilian loved this," he says, rubbing the surface of the cigarette case. He says his wife was fond of gardenias. So much so that she even loved the works of Vincent Gardenia. He opens the case. There's a red USB flash drive in there. Did his wife also like USB devices? He asks Lois if she'll open what's on the drive. "There was nothing on it," she says, sadly. Papa Luthor moves some of her crap aside on the table and plugs the thing into the laptop himself. He does it roughly. The man is in charge. It's a video about Project Ares. Lex is talking to a heavyset older man about the final testing stages. The man says that after his shuffling of appropriations to keep them under the radar, he hopes so. Papa Luthor is fascinated. Lex says that they both have a lot to lose. "You didn't know that Lex was working with Senator Burke, did you?" Lois asks. He does now. Lois says that he has to give Lana props for double-crossing both Luthors. Eh. I reserve my props for people I like. Disgusted, Papa approaches Lois. "I'd be careful. Miss Lane," he says with disdain. He says that whoever's protecting Senator Burke hired someone to kill the wife of a Luthor. He smiles as he says he doubts they'd think twice about silencing Lois. Word! He leaves on that magnificent note. Lois finally looks worried.

By Omar G

Commercials. The Olive Garden. We won't stop feeding you until you're as oily and puffy as these breadsticks.