While exploring some new, and attractively damp, underground tunnels, Lex is trapped by a woman seeking her soldier husband. The lady, who happens to be an explosives expert, thinks Lex did something to him, and demands to find him. To add some leverage, she blows up part of the tunnel, trapping Lex with her and injuring Papa Luthor. Lex tells the woman that her husband died before LuthorCorp could save him, but that doesn't stop her; she's rigged the entire tunnel system with explosives. Lex accidentally shoots her while trying to take her gun. She dies. Papa Luthor, on a stretcher, begs Clark to go in and help Lex. Clark does. Unfortunately, the caves are lined with Kryptonite, so Clark gets bloodied up and pinned down by rubble as he and Lex hash out why their friendship broke apart and why Lana didn't want to marry Lex on their wedding day. Speaking of the Character Formerly Dressed In Pink, Lana uses Papa's misfortune to try to get some information about her phantom pregnancy. Papa tells Lana that he's doing all of this to protect Clark -- quite the switcheroo. Lana, newly assertive, finds a suitcase of Lex's that contains a disc with blueprints for the tunnels, as well as a disturbing video of a Phantom Zoner killing a young couple. Lana and Chloe get to the tunnel just as Lex has saved Clark and helped him to reach the surface in time for everything to blow up. She and Clark give each other sultry looks before Lex emerges and Lana has to go to him. She gives him a big speech about the baby and how she'd never have betrayed him about something like that. It's just an effort to make him feel guilty; Lana clearly doesn't love Lex anymore. Clark whines about Lex's humanity and whether he may have had something to do with the way his former friend turned out. In the end, it turns out Lex lied to the woman in the tunnels. Her husband is alive and being used for a LuthorCorp experiment. Lex lies, you know.
So did anybody win a Yaris last week? No? Me neither. Better luck this time. I'm holding out for a second Prius so I can cancel out my own emissions reduction.
We open on an extremely damp tunnel. It's so damp that a stream of water flows down across the floor. This place is Leaky McGee. Get a plumber in here! Preferably one who can eat mushrooms to make himself grow and shoot fireballs at hungry man-eating plants. Lex Luthor, wielding a flashlight, is walking around the drippy, but surprisingly well-lit, subterranean hallways. If there's one person you want exploring moist, tight, dark spaces, it's Lex Luthor. Papa Luthor, wearing a full suit instead of a Super Mario set of overalls, is already there waiting. He teases Lex for not inviting him to the special 4:00 AM pre-dawn tour. Papa Luthor says that Lex's "current machinations" (there'll be machinery involved?) have forced him to work outside regular business hours. Lex says he should find it comforting that his father keeps checking up on him constantly. Papa Luthor asks, as they keep walking for the Steadicam, why Lex is interested in these particular tunnels, which have been abandoned for decades. Lex says that it's for a water-purification program. He adds that it's public knowledge. Papa isn't buying that bull-puckey-cake, and he says that something down here is a lot more interesting to Lex than the approval of some "eco-enthusiasts." Lex says that there's plenty to conquer above ground before he takes on the underworld. Yeah, leave the Mole-Men to Saul Malone.
Papa asks suddenly which world will be host to "Project Ares." Aw, they named it for my birthsign! Sorta. Lex is caught off guard. He turns to Papa with wide eyes. He knows about Project Ares!? What the heck is Project Ares? But that moment only lasts a second, because they both see sparks flying from around the corner. Lex goes that way and we see someone in a full welding outfit working with an acetylene torch on a big metal gate. One time, we were using torches like that in shop class, and our teacher pulled out a really big one and I said, "Whoah! Big mofo!" I got into a lot of trouble. Thus ended my promising career in the industrial arts. Maybe I've told this story before. It's been a long six seasons. Lex yells above the welding that this is a restricted area. The welder opens the gate and takes off the big metal mask. It's a girl! And she's kinda hot! If you're into lady welders. Not at all like my shop teacher. Whoah! Sexy mofo! The woman tells Lex that he's right on time. Lex asks her to tell him what the hell she's doing here. She turns and starts walking away as she says, "Love to." Lex warns her that he's calling security. He tells her to pack her things and leave. Why not just leave and forget the packing? Papa Luthor waits. He looks up and notices a big red bulb on a dangerous-looking device. The woman says this is invitation-only. She pulls out a trigger with a button on the top. Papa Luthor reacts with horror. "Lex!" he screams. He tries to run toward his son. Explosive Lady Welder pushes the button. An explosion sends Papa Luthor flying back and a bunch of rock and dust crashing down between them. "Dad!" Lex yells, without moving to help. The woman smacks Lex in the face with the welder's helmet. He falls. Unconscious, of course. You could knock Lex out with the scent of burning toast. The woman drags him down the hall as the camera pulls back. So, uh...we'll just stay here, then. Don't mind us. We'll just watch some commercials.
Opening credits. Commercials. Chili's would like to remind you that they cook food on a fucking open flame and bring it to your table sizzling and spitting juices all over your shirt. time you want to microwave some flavorless piece of frozen crap for dinner, think about that. Frankly, Chili's can't even stand to look at you right now. Go away.
An ambulance parks in a lot. Paramedics get out of an ambulance just as Clark is arriving. Not on foot, which would make sense, but in the Toyota Tundra, which gets him there about an hour later. MamaKent is already there (maybe she walked instead?) and tells Clark that there was some sort of explosion. Papa Luthor, looking pretty banged up, is unloaded. Wouldn't they want to take someone out of an ambulance closer to the hospital door, not way across the parking lot? Is this the scenic medical care route? MamaKent uses the walking time to tell Papa Luthor that she left Lex a message about the explosion. Papa takes off his oxygen mask and tells her that Lex is still down in the tunnel. "Clark. You have to help him," Papa moans. Papa says Lex is being held hostage. He puts the oxygen mask back on. That's good-ass oxygen. Clark asks if the police know what's going on. Papa says there's no time for that; they need to move now. Clark asks where Lex went. Papa says that even if the police get in, they'll never find him because it's a maze of tunnels. Papa, with the bloody close-up, says that Lex has put something terrible into motion down there and is the only one who can stop it. They wheel Papa Luthor farther into the plot sinkhole that is Smallville Medical Center. Clark gulps. Heroically.
Lex is sitting on the floor of the dank tunnel with his hands behind his back, tied to a pole. A pole. Wet tunnels. Explosions. What about this doesn't Lex like? Explosive Lady, wearing a dark tank top, welcomes Lex back to "sub-civilization." We get to ride in a submarine! This is gonna be so sweet for...oh. Damn. I just figured out what she meant. Lex, down to his white shirt, struggles against his bonds. He asks what happened to his father. He turned nice, and then evil again, but now he's acting nice. We can't figure it out either, Lex. We just like his acting. Explosive Lady says that Papa Luthor's not her problem and was never part of the plan. Explosive Lady, if you got to know Papa, you'd probably feel differently. He makes any plan more cunning. He's a cunninator. Lex asks what she wants. The woman, in the foreground, holds a set of dog tags on a small chain around her neck. "My husband," she says. Is he a C.H.U.D.? Because if so, you're looking in the right place. She says he's a U.S. Special Forces Weapons Sergeant. His name was Wes Keenan. She says he was plucked from the battlefield by LuthorCorp. Lex says that his company has lots of subsidiaries, but they don't have a Human Trafficking 'R Us division.
As Lex struggles to stand against the pole, the woman says her husband was supposedly part of a helicopter accident in Afghanistan. She knew it wasn't true, because her heart told her otherwise. Lex says the heart sometimes lies. Sometimes your heart is like, "Yes, I totally moved blood to the toes, don't you worry." thing you know, your toes look like dried-up raisins. Fucking heart. The woman grabs Lex's face. She says that when you truly love somebody, you know when you've lost them. You're...losing us, lady. The woman says there were no chopper crashes that day or that entire month. Holding a folder, she says the military failed to produce a body. They fail to produce a lot of things, lady. Have you ever tried to get them to show you a receipt for a $600 hammer? Ain't happening. Lex asks her to uncuff him. He says he's got friends at the Pentagon who might help her. She talks about her reconnaissance prowess, then shows Lex a file with her husband's military photo and a LuthorCorp logo. She asks what a Fortune 500 company would want with a Green Beret. Market research for really butch workout gear? Lex says nothing. "Tell me!" Explosive Lady barks. Lex tells her calmly that it's only a matter of time before his security team gets through. Are you kidding? They're playing Tetris on their cell phones and waiting for Grey's Anatomy to come on. He says they tend to shoot now and ask questions later. They're stupid that way.
Explosive Lady, who has created quite the little interrogation chamber with moody lighting in here, says that the schematics for these tunnels don't exist in city blueprints. She pulls out what looks like a bomb. She says she's rigged all five miles with C-4. As she ties the device to a nearby pole, she tells Lex about her history as a military demolitions expert. Demolition Woman! She says that she was discharged for having a short fuse. Lex asks why she doesn't just kill him. She says she'd have to start over. And she's guessing that Lex's project involving her husband is worth more to Lex than his life. "You decide," she says. She wants to speak to her husband in twenty minutes, or she'll blow the place up. She pushes a button on a tiny handheld device. It activates the timer on the nearby bomb. Adventure music plays. The woman pauses at the door to ask Lex if he's ever done anything crazy for love. Try impregnating someone with a fake baby! Now that's nutty. She closes a door. We see another device nearby. For five miles to cover, that must have been thousands of bombs.
Above-ground. Clark asks Chloe whether she's heard anything about Lex. Bomb squad staffers go about their business, not caring that these two are walking around in their dangerous work area. Chloe says that rescue efforts have been called off until they can "de-bomb" the area. Can they "de-civilian" the area by getting rid of Clark and Chloe? Clark says that could take forever. Chloe thinks Lex and "G.I. Jane" will be long gone before they can get through the rubble. Clark says that he's the only one who can save Lex. Chloe says not to look to her for encouragement. After what Lex did to her mother, she says, he can live with the rats for all eternity. That's the spirit! Clark says he's considered that the world would be a better place without Lex, but... Chloe finishes his thought, saying that he can't pick whom he saves. "Not if you're Clark Kent," she says. What's that? Clark actually acting like a hero? I never thought I'd see the day. Clark adds that what's in the tunnels might help take Lex down. Chloe suggests Clark get in there before the bomb squad does. Clark glances at the bomb squad workers. They don't look like they're doing much of anything. Clark springs into action. At normal speed.
Underground. Lex is fiddling with his wrists, trying to get out of the restraints. He finally does. "Perfect timing, MacGyver," Explosive Lady says, pointing a gun at him. Yeah, that wasn't very smart, Lex. She wants Lex to call her husband. Lex says the phones don't work down here. "Mine will," she says. She hands Lex a giant satellite phone. Lex reluctantly takes the device. She tells Lex that without Wes, her life is over, and that you don't give up on someone who can pull you out of the trenches. Lex says it's not that easy. "Put...him...on the phone!" she demands. She wants to hear her husband's voice. Her voice pitches up as she tells Lex they're running out of time and to dial the damn phone. "He's dead!" Lex finally shouts back. She flinches. Lex says her husband was killed by a firearm at close range. The bullet pierced his lung, liver and heart. That's one crafty bullet. Lex tells her that LuthorCorp tried to save him with an experimental procedure, but it was too late. Lex says her husband endured a long and unsettling death. Thanks? Can I get you something for that? He says he's sorry. "No. No," she says. Lex seizes the opportunity to dive at her. The gun goes off. She's accidentally shot in the stomach, as often happens to those who'll only be appearing in one episode. Oops! Lex points the gun at her and tells her to deactivate the explosives. What, you're gonna shoot her a second time? He says they can both get out of there alive. Lex will get out much more alive. She picks up the remote and says they're pre-programmed. Clark whooshes into a nearby tunnel and uses his superhearing to catch what she's saying. She tells Lex he can't stop the other explosives, just like she can't stop this one. She pushes a button. The device whines. Lex dives. There's an explosion. The door blows out as Lex dives behind some sandbags. We see Kryptonite rocks fly in slow motion, along with other debris, toward Clark. It all knocks him back on his ass. Clark is hurt. He lies to glowing green rocks. Nobody said dealing with C.H.U.D.s would ever be easy.
Commercials. IBC Bank. Didn't guys in bee costumes stop being funny sometime in the early 80s?
Smallville Medical Center, daytime. A nurse walks down the hall holding some bloody gauze on a tray. Is it lunchtime for vampire patients? Sometimes I wish J.D. were here to offer some wacky voice-overs and fantasy sequences to liven these hospital scenes up. In the darkest hospital hallway in the U.S., MamaKent and Lana are hugging. Yeah, it's pretty scary here. MamaKent asks if there's been any word about Lex. Lana says that there's hasn't. MamaKent can't imagine what's going through Lana's mind ("Get me off this show!"), but she knows Papa Luthor will be glad Lana's here. Indubitably. "Maybe some tea will help with the nerves," Lana says, which is a polite way of saying, "Hey, go get me some tea. Pronto, Senator." MamaKent offers to go. Lana looks at the broken man inside the exam room. She looks around and takes a deep breath. It's time to go into Proactive Lana Mode, a mode we only see when things are really getting dire on this show or when nuts need gathering for the long winter.
Lana goes up to a nearby doctor and says that she wants to see Papa Luthor. The doctor, who isn't one of those evil doctors planting fake babies in her belly, says Papa is being prepped for surgery. Lana says that her husband is missing and that Papa Luthor was the last one to see him alive. The doctor tries to shut her down, but Lana interrupts to say that if her husband dies, the man in that room is the only family she has left. Nasty Nell feels a disturbance in the force. Lana acts sad and scared. "Please," she tells the doctor, "just one minute." The doctor agrees. To just one minute. Lana wastes 15 seconds walking slowly and dramatically into the room. She puts on her mean face. She puts her hand on Papa Luthor's. His hand is about five times bigger than hers. She is a tiny woman. Papa wakes up. "I understand you're in a lot of pain," she says coldly. Papa Luthor moans a bit. "Good," Lana says. She jabs her thumb into the tape holding the IV on his hand. Ouchie! That stings a bit! So evil! Lana believes Papa Luthor knew that Lex made her believe she was pregnant, then that she'd lost the baby. In conclusion, Papa Luthor still trapped her into marrying Lex. "I didn't know then what Lex --" he begins. Lana shushes him and says to save his oxygen. Lana says that with Lex gone, she's in charge of Papa's medical decisions today. She says she's not the only one who's trapped. Papa closes his eyes. Lana asks why Papa Luthor threatened to kill Clark if she didn't marry Lex. Lana leans in. "Tell me," she says fiercely. Papa says nothing. Lana grabs his oxygen line. She bends the tube in her hand. "If I killed you right now, I'd be free," she says. Until you went to jail. She tells Papa to give her one reason why she shouldn't. "I'm...protecting...Clark," he manages. Just then, the doctor comes in. They prep to take Papa Luthor to surgery, not noticing the almost-murder that was happening. Lana steps away as they take Papa Luthor. She breathes heavily. Boy, you really need that tea. Just then, a police officer comes in and tells a higher-up that Lex's Porsche was parked near the tunnel. They found a metal briefcase belonging to him in the trunk. Lana walks over and grabs it. "Thank you, officer," she says. They tell her it's evidence from a crime scene and that they need it. "Of course. As soon as I see the warrant to search my husband's vehicle," she says. Who is this character who is smart, cunning and proactive? She's not the Lana we've been watching for six seasons, that's for sure. The officers have nothing to say. They're as surprised as we are. Back at the station, they were told that Lana's so needy and lame that she wouldn't even ask any questions. Lana says to call if they have any news. She doesn't wait for MamaKent's tea.
The tunnel of destruction. Clark manages to pull himself out of some rubble, but he's still weak from the Kryptonite. There's still light and flashing sparks. Clark wanders around, back to the interrogation room. He calls for Lex. Lex, groaning, is all right. He asks what Clark is doing here. Clark says Papa Luthor sent him. "He's alive?" Lex asks. Clark just nods. Lex notices that Clark got through when no one else could. Just like with your heart, huh, Lex? Clark says that nobody else is trying to get through; the rescue was called off on account of explosives. Something rumbles around them. Oh, that's just hormones. Lex looks at a nearby timer and says that the whole place is scheduled to blow up in 14 minutes. It'll be like 24! Clark asks if there's a way to deactivate everything. Lex says that if Clark is an expert in plastic explosives, he can be Lex's guest. How about rubber toys? Would that help? "Come on!" Lex says, as he gets ready to leave the room. We see a close-up of Clark's left hand. It's dribbling blood. Lex gulps as he notices. Those vampires back at the hospital would really love to chew on that. Clark looks at his bloody hand, then notices a piece of rubble jutting out of the back of his arm. Lex's whole world, like the tunnels around him, is just crumbling.
Stately Luthor Mansion, minus Lex. Lana enters the Lair of Lex, carrying the metal briefcase. She sets it on the desk, turns up some classical music loudly on the stereo (did she forget this room has surveillance cameras?) and takes an ornate handgun out of a velvet-lined wooden box on the shelves. According to Mathematician on the forums, the music is from the opera Tannhäuser. As the music swells, she cocks the gun and fires two shots at the briefcase. But that briefcase has a wife and three little satchels! Lana opens the case and rifles through some mail ("You may already be a millionaire!") before she finds a CD conveniently labeled, "Project Ares." It's their first EP, from back when they were just called "Ares" and had a female lead singer. Try not to judge it on first listen. Lana shuts off the music, puts the gun back, and gets to investigating. She pops the CD into Lex's laptop. A video comes up. It's a woman talking to the guy filming. She's got on an Australian Outback-issued floppy hat and says that she's in Patagonia, the most beautiful place on Earth. Just wait. It won't be so beautiful when your blood's all over the countryside. She hears something growling. "What is that?" she asks. The camera moves to the side. We see something dart across the frame. One of the scary Phantoms From The Zone attacks the cameraman. He screams. The woman screams. The camera falls. Blood splashes the lens. Lana shits a small pink brick. That was a scary video.
Not-really-a-commercial. Part two of the "Legends" animated comic strip. This one features the Caves Of Contrivances, wolves, and more stuff about Project Ares. Check it out at the Fight for Justice site. Then we learn about the stylish, sleek, comic-book-like lines of the Toyota Yaris. It's almost as if this whole comic book thing were being sponsored somehow.
We return to...oh my. Clark has got his hands braced on some rubble, and Lex is standing behind him. Clark opens his mouth as Lex does something to him. What the...?! Does Toyota know about this? Oh, wait. Lex is just pulling that jagged rock out of Clark's arm. Lex pulls as Clark gasps. Lex says that Clark is the last person he expected to be pulling shrapnel out of. Lex brings up the chisel with which he tried to stab Clark in the gut. He says it accordioned like it was hitting solid rock. Clark just stands there and grimaces. "I don't know why I needed so badly to believe you're more than human," Lex tells him. Clark says that nothing is good enough for Lex. "The truth would have been!" Lex says angrily. Lex finds a scrap of cloth and ties it around Clark's arm above the elbow. Lex says that Clark may be flesh and blood, but that he's been hiding secrets since they met. Clark never trusted him. Lex pulls the cloth tightly, making Clark grunt. Clark, just as pissed, asks if it would have mattered. He asks what Lex is really doing down here. Uh... looking for stalactites? Clark asks if he's trying to find new ways to exploit people with different abilities. Lex has no answer for that. Clark gives him a smoldering look, then uses it to propel his face out of frame. Lex says there's no gray area with Clark.
Something behind Lex flashes brightly and sparks fly. Lex asks if Clark ever tried to see his humanity before deciding he had none. "I did, Lex. And look where we are," Clark says. Also? You don't bring me flowers anymore. Clark walks away. Lex, looking at Clark with longing for what once was, follows. He's still a puppy dog in love, after all this time. It's the Gayest Look of the Episode. They enter a room where dust is falling and everything is shaking. You know what would be sweet? If all this rubble were rock sugar and gumdrops. Lex goes to a pile of rubble and tries to move stuff. He manages to make a small crawlspace. He tells Clark to follow. Unfortunately, there are meteor rocks in the wall. Clark feels weak. Lex manages to make it through the space into another part of the tunnels. Clark winces as things explode around him. "Clark! Come on! What are you waiting for? Let's go!" Lex calls from the other side. Clark tries to muddle through, but the green rocks are all around him. I guess these aren't the kind of Kryptonite rocks that make him completely helpless, because he's still moving. "Clark! Come on!" Lex yells. Clark tries. It's slow going. Lex finally pulls him out of the hole. Clark lands on the ground like a dying fish. Lex helps him stand. Clark walks past Lex without a "thank you." You're welcome, dickweed. A nearby timer shows about seven minutes left until collapse.
Outside the tunnels, where the rescue workers are failing to rescue. Chloe is leaving a message for Clark via her cell phone. Needlessly awkward message follows: she asks where Clark went, since she's trying to reach him again. "I feel like your stalker ex-girlfriend," she says. Uh. Oh. Chloe backtracks. "Even though I was never your girlfriend. It was just an analogy," she says. Lesson: don't walk and cell at the same time. Chloe says this is awkward, then tells Clark to call her. The bomb squad peeps are talking nearby. There was a second explosion. Chloe goes to the head bombie demanding answers. She asks if they've found Lex. He says the inner tunnels caved and that the whole area is now unstable. He says nobody's getting in there by hand. Someone brings over a handy pamphlet about Smallville. It's your residuals contract. Chloe asks what's on the guy's vest. "Dust," he says. It's green dust from meteor rocks. It's all over the place down there. Uh oh! That can't be good for Clark!
Clark and Lex, in the tunnel of ex-love, reach a gate with a lock on it. Lex shakes the gate. Stupid, stupid gate! More small explosions. Lex says they have to try another tunnel. Clark tries to pull the lock on the chain, but the meteor rocks that have weakened him say otherwise. Clark just grunts in defeat. He looks pretty tired. Clark says, weakly, that this ceiling isn't going to hold much longer. He says that they have to go back. Clark throws himself against a nearby wall and grunts loudly. You know, human pain isn't just about hurting yourself then making pig noises, Clark. Clark wonders aloud that Lex probably didn't tell anyone else about these caves. Lex infers that Clark is talking about him not telling Lana about this project. He says he doesn't bore Lana with his daily work. Clark asks if Lex doesn't trust her. Lex scoffs. Half-smiling, he says Lana is the first person in his life that he actually does trust. That's a twisted kind of trust, Lex.
Clark asks why Lex would force Lana to marry him. Lex's smile fades. He gulps. Viciously, Clark says that he saw Lana the day of the wedding. He says Lana was going to leave Lex. Lex's tiny black heart breaks some more. Clark asks what Lex did to her. "I don't know," Lex says blankly. He says the answer must have gotten lost in "that dark abyss we call my soul." Oh do go on, you ninth-grade Goth kid. Lex boo-hoos about standing in front of a congregation, praying the love of his life wouldn't stand him up at the wedding. Which almost happened. Lex says that being unsure on his wedding day was the hardest thing he's ever had to endure. And the dude has been shot multiple times. Lex says Clark can believe that or not. "I stopped expecting you to act like a friend a long time ago," he says. Hoarsely, Clark asks, "Were we ever really friends, Lex?" It's a fair point. Lex says he doesn't know. He says he has nothing to compare it to. Lex says that Clark is the only real friend he's ever had. Oh really? Turning his back on Clark, Lex says that Clark decided Lex was his nemesis and turned his back on him. Can you do the rest as charades? Another explosion sends a pile of rubble off the ceiling and directly onto where Clark is sitting. It's actually pretty funny, like a tiny thundercloud over one guy's head. Lex turns and sees the pile of rocks. Clark, still alive, is pinned down. He tries to move the stones. "Lex, get this off of me!" he yells. Lex turns around. Clark looks to Lex. Lex checks his expensive watch. Smell ya later! "Don't leave me," Clark says. Lex turns and runs. "Lex!" Clark yells. So heartbreaking. "Leeeeex!" Clark yells again as the camera pulls back.
Commercials. PC vs. Mac. As much as I like these commercials, I hate that John Hodgman is going to be better known for this than for his awesome writing.
The stateliest of Luthor Manors. A feminine finger is moving around the control pad of a laptop. There are folders including, "Permits," "H20 Purification," "LC Classified," and "Filtration Results." What, no, "Pr0n"? Lana opens up a file that looks like a set of digital blueprints. She scrolls horizontally. Chloe walks in the door (security!) and says that she's been trying to get a hold of Lana by phone all morning. It's not your imagination, Chloe. Nobody wants to talk to you today. Chloe thought Lana would be near search and rescue. Lana closes the laptop slyly and says she thought she'd be more help here. At home. Snooping. Lana asks, with no emotion, if there's been any news. Chloe says that nobody will talk to her because she's not a Luthor. She asks what Lana's heard. No news. "Dammit," Chloe says. She tells Lana that Clark went into the tunnels and that it was the last she heard from him. Lana is suddenly emotionally engaged. Lana thinks he'll be all right. Chloe's not so sure. "But he's...I mean, he's Clark," Lana rationalizes. Chloe won't go down that path. She says that whatever Lana thinks she knows about Clark, he's not invincible. "He has a --" Chloe starts. "Weakness," Lana finishes. He used to be -- gay, frankly. But now he's -- just boring. Chloe says that Clark will die if they don't find a way in soon. Lana sneaks a peek at the closed laptop. She says she knows another way. They walk around the desk. Lana logs into the laptop as Lex. Chloe asks when Lana learned to "pole-vault" over Lex's firewall. Is that what the billionaires call it these days? Lana says that when Lex began looking over her shoulder, she did likewise. Chloe asks if those are the blueprints for the tunnels. Lana gives her a self-satisfied, smugly evil look. Chloe admonishes her for sitting on these all morning. To be fair, Lana just found them. But, still. Instead of saying than, Lana goes the bad-ass route: "I thought you said there wasn't much time." Chloe is surprised by Lana's minor magnificent bastardness.
The tunnels. Clark is still covered by that ridiculous mound of stone-painted foam. Clark tries to push his way out, but the pile won't magically clear like it normally does. Then, a second later, everything moves. Lex is standing there, having used a long pole to wedge the debris out of the way. It may be the last time, but certainly not the first, that Lex has wielded a tube in Clark's direction to get his rocks off. Clark, breathing heavily, just stares at his hero. Lex asks if Clark really thought he'd let him die alone down here. We kind of really did think that. "Guess you never knew me at all," Lex says. And if you don't know him by now, you will never, never, never know him. No you won't. Lex pulls Clark up by the good arm. Lex says that the last cave-in exposed a hatch. From Lost? They run down a hall arm-in-arm. Rocks fall like so much cheap Styrofoam. A portal leads to sunlight above. Luckily, there are two ladders. They both climb together. Lex slides a bit. The timer says there are only thirty-three seconds left. Lex loses his grip and is holding on by only one hand. Clark grabs him. Lex looks down in horror. Clark strains. And grunts. Lex manages to get back on the ladder. They both climb with thirteen seconds left. They get to the top. Together, they manage to pull the giant manhole (ooh, Clark and Lex and "manhole" in the same sentence! Just like the good old days) open. The timer runs out. A fireball flies up the hole. Clark and Lex both roll away just as the camera pulls back and the whole thing explodes. Hey, I think I see the Millennium Falcon coming out of there. The massive explosion apparently leaves them unscathed. In sunlight, Clark takes a little siesta. Police cars come around to see what's up. Clark stares at the beautiful cloudy sky and sun. He breathes deeply, feeling Super again. Lana and Chloe emerge from the back of a town car. Clark gets to his feet. Medical workers approach Clark, then ignore him. Lana sees him. Clark turns to Lana in slow motion, amid all the smoke and dust. The score swells as they watch each other. Lana goes to him. She gets up in his face. She looks at his healed elbow. Touches it. Clark touches her hand. He leans in to kiss her. Lana turns to her left. Lex appears, looking worse for wear. The dust goes away. Lana walks away from Clark slowly. Her hand trails against his chest as he keeps touching her. Her hand slips away. Lana hops over to Lex. She smiles at him. He smiles back, briefly. They hug. Lex is bloody about the face. Clark watches. Lex looks up at Clark and gives him a "how ya like me now, bitch?" look. Clark just stares. We close the scene on Lana's sad face as she hugs Lex.
Commercials. Domino's still sells pizza and it still makes comparably shitty commercials.
Smallville Medical Center. Papa Luthor, feeling much better, is sitting up in bed, reading. He frowns. "Good book?" someone asks. Papa lowers his tome, and we see Lana standing in the doorway. Her very long hair is down. "I prefer nonfiction," he tells her. "Much more exciting." He takes off his glasses and says that he heard Lex made it out unscathed. "You must be thrilled," he says, dryly. "Both the Luthors alive and well." Lana closes the door. She says she's not there to talk about Lex. She wants answers. She reminds him that he threatened Clark's life, then claimed that he was protecting the farmboy. "What the hell is going on?" she asks. So many times I've wished for characters on this show to ask that very questions. How rarely this actually happens. Papa takes a moment. He says that Clark is a very lucky young man to have someone love him the way she does. Lana is guarded. Papa says that Lana's love is the only thing he could use to keep Clark out of harm's way and her close to Lex. Lana doesn't understand. Nor do I. "What harm?" she asks. She asks what Lex is doing and why she's a part of it. "You must trust me, Lana," Papa says. He tells her Clark's life depends on it. Lana wonders aloud how MamaKent would react to knowing Papa Luthor used her son's life as a bargaining chip. Papa considers that. "Tell me what you know," Lana says. "Wow," Papa says, impressed. He says Lana has embraced wholeheartedly what it means to be a Luthor. Lana keeps her mean face on. She's not insulted.
Chloe and Clark out at the tunnel crime scene. Clark says he's X-rayed the tunnels time and time again and that they all seem to lead only to Reeves Dam. Chloe thinks something's going on for Lex to have gone up against "Tomb Raider." Clark doesn't know how Chloe knew to come out here. She reveals that it was Lana who found the location. Clark admits that he no longer believes Lex forced Lana to marry him. Chloe says not to drop that theory just yet. She says Lana knew the other entrances to the tunnel the whole time but didn't produce them until she heard Clark was down there. That's not entirely true, so I'm not sure why that information is being rehashed. Lana didn't see the plans until Chloe walked in on her. "Lana was gonna let Lex die down there?" Clark asks. Chloe says simply that the mansion has more secrets than they realize. Clark has a lot to think about. His brain is already heating up just thinking about that.
Luthor mansion at night. Lex sits by the fire. Lana, wearing a pretty red top, enters the room. She's holding Lex's briefcase. She hands it to him, saying the police found it. She acknowledges the bullet damage by saying that they must have really wanted to get into it. She says she took it away as fast as she could. Lana says she's going to curl up with a movie, and she asks if Lex has a genre preference. How about something where the married couple actually has sex once in a while? Is that a marital romance? Lex says he'll pass. Lana wishes him goodnight. As she walks away, Lex decides to ask if she saw Clark the day of their wedding and told him she didn't want to marry Lex. Lana is scared. "Did you?" Lex asks, standing. She says she did. Lana lies and says she just needed someone to talk to. And run away with. Lana says she knew something was wrong with the baby; she says she could feel it. "I thought you wouldn't love me," she says. She lies and says she didn't want to lie. Lana approaches Lex carefully. She says she wanted to say something, but Lex loved their baby so much. "Just one look at our nursery, and I knew you had our entire life planned," she says. Lex isn't facing her. "School. Playdates," she continues, emotionally. She says they were going to be the best parents in the world. She asks how she could stand on that altar in front of all those people (mostly strangers) and say that everything was going to be all right when she knew something was seriously wrong. She starts to cry. Boy, she's really putting the screws to Lex here. "What kind of a person would lie like that?" she asks. Lex steps forward. He says nothing could have stopped him from loving her. "Nothing," he restates. "That's why I married you," Lana says. She says she wishes she were that strong. "If someone lied to me like that, they would lose my love forever," she tells him. While I applaud Lana's sneakiness, I just wish she'd call her own bullshit and say what she knows and watch Lex try to squirm his way out of it. Then again, she probably thinks he'd kill her, and she's not far off. Lex thinks about that last statement. Lana smiles reassuringly. "I don't know what I did to deserve you," she says, darkly. Lex hugs her. Lana stares at the fire, her heart turning ice cold. The dark music of plotting and foreboding plays.
The Barnness Of Endoftheseasonitude. Clark is examining some documents. It's not going well. MamaKent brings him a glass of milk and some food, noting that he missed dinner. Clark didn't realize it was so late. MamaKent asks if he knows what Lex and Papa Luthor were doing in those tunnels. Clark says it doesn't add up. Clark has plans and budgets and other things that point to -- MamaKent finishes the thought. She says it points to building a water filtration system. Nooooo! Clark says maybe this is the one time Lex is telling the truth. He walks away, frustrated. MamaKent asks what really happened down there. Clark says that when Lex pulled him out of the rubble, he saw something he hasn't seen in years. A full-on Lex chubby. "My friend," he actually says. MamaKent says they went through a lot, but that so much has happened that sometimes you have to let go. Of the chubby. Clark says she didn't. MamaKent says that after all that's happened, she stood by Papa Luthor. But she says that doesn't mean she trusts him. She wishes she could. She says that he's made an effort, but that nobody can completely change who they are. Clark says that MamaKent gave Papa Luthor that chance. Clark asks if part of what Lex is about might be because of him: "What if I gave up on him too soon?" he asks. MamaKent says he'll never give up on anybody too soon. She says his greatest strength might also be his biggest weakness. "Your hope," she tells him. Oh, that.
What looks like a rebuilt portion of the tunnels. A steel door opens. Lex is led to a room that is guarded. A lackey hands Lex a chart and says a prototype is just days from reaching full capacity. Lex stares at some glass. A light goes on inside. We see a shirtless guy on a slab. It's Explosive Lady's husband. "That's to your wife, I almost died because of you," Lex says to the unconscious man. "Let's hope there's nothing you can't do for me," he finishes. The camera pans down and we see that the Green Beret is wearing tiny, tiny shiny silver shorts. No, seriously. We pan down further to see the man's case file. It is indeed Keenan Wes, the soldier. We go to black on Lex's pleased face.
week: Casablahnca.