In a last-minute move, the CW network cancelled tonight's episode of Smallville and replaced it with everyone's least favorite show, Lanaville: Special Victim Unit. Lana is stalked by a tenacious photographer who somehow gets inside the castle and takes a creepy cell-phone pic of her. Lana is stalked so often that she manages to multitask when that happens, and uses it as an opportunity to investigate Clark. While Lex is away on business, unaware that Lana's in danger, Lana stays at the Kent farm (what the...!?) and is allowed to stay in Clark's room, where she digs through his stuff. This is after Lana tried to dig through Chloe's computer files for dirt on Clark. Nice friend, right? It turns out that the weird stalker leaving lingerie gifts with murderous notes is not the photographer, but one of the guys on Lex's security team, who kills the photographer as well as another of Lex's men. He talks about wanting to save Lana from Lex and be her boo, which really doesn't jibe with the note he left saying he wants Lana to die, but who said any of this had to make any sense? Security Stalker falls through a rooftop window and dies, but Clark is there to catch Lana when she falls as well. Jimmy and Chloe get back together after Jimmy helps Clark solve the case of the Lana stalking. And in the end, Lex is annoyed that Lana ran to the Kent farm for help, but not so annoyed that he won't hand-deliver a wedding invitation to Clark and say that he wants Clark at the wedding to see what he lost. Now take all of these ingredients, set them to blend at "boring" speed, and you've got Lanaville!
One of the worst videogames of all time is a PC game called Jurassic Park: Trespasser. One of the worst-ever episodes of Smallville is called "Trespass." Coincidence?
We open on a snowy night at Stately Luthor Manor. Hey, maybe this whole episode takes place inside a snow globe! Inside, the camera grazes across some icky tabloid material. The Daily Planet's "Celebrity Watch With Jeanne" section features a big headline: "LEXANA! STALKED." There you go, folks. The name mash-up thing is now canon. Though it's no worse than "Bennifer." The front page of the Inquisitor has a less controversial headline: "The wedding of the year!" There's also a Star Inside magazine with photos of Lex and Lana. Sitting nearby is Lana, running an enormous brush through her hair as she stares into the huge round mirror of her vanity. That brush is almost bigger than she is. Did it belong to a horse? Wearing a light lavender silk robe, Lana pauses from her rigorous hair-brushing to study the open drawer in front of her. Unable to resist even a moment longer, Lana takes out the red hankie and opens it, revealing the bent, twisted chisel (not a screwdriver, it turns out) from last week. "Now," Lana thinks, "if only I could find some twisted, gnarled wood to use this on." Behind Lana and to the right, someone is watching her, as the shaky camera seems to indicate. Lana's cell phone suddenly chimes. Lana opens up her phone, with the very obvious Sprint logo below the screen. It shows a camera-phone picture from that right angle; someone just snapped her good. Lana turns in horror. We see her from the photographer's point of view, but he or she dodges to the side to avoid being seen. Lana's eyes go wide. She stares at the door. She rushes out and into the hall. She turns her back and somehow misses Lex standing right there until she runs right into him. Lex asks what's wrong. "There's someone in the room," Lana whimpers. Oh. Is it Clark? Because you kissed him recently, and maybe he came to your room so that he could kiss you some more. Traitorous tart. A weird Lost-like sound plays as the camera zooms in on Lex's angry face.
Two security guards in suits suddenly materialize and enter Lana's bedroom, guns drawn. Excited 24 music plays as they try, woefully, to secure the room. The younger of the two actually stumbles as he enters the bathroom. "Clear," he says. Is he talking about the water in the toilet bowl? The older guard tells Lex that it's all clear. No blue commode liquid, Mr. Luthor. The squeaky string sounds amp up as Lana takes a step forward. She notices that a window is open, the drapes moving. Awesome, security guys. You didn't notice that? Why don't you guys just take the rest of the day off? "Lex, over there," says Lana. Lex should just fire these guys on the spot. Do their eyes even work? Are they working by antennas on their heads that we can't see? Lana notices the chisel lying on top of the dresser, exposed for the world to see its naked toolness. Lex peeks outside the window. He tells his dudes to check the roof, and then to do a perimeter sweep of the grounds. He tells it to "Brady," who was, after much consideration, given an actual first name. Brady assents, and the two security men take off to bring their incompetence to another level of the mansion. Lana still looks freaked out. Lex asks what the guy looked like. "He was holding a big TV camera! And he kept zooming in on my face! And there were these two executive producers standing behind him, just leering!" Lana actually says that she didn't see the person, but that she could sense that someone was in the room with her. She glances again at the chisel, hoping that Lex won't notice. Lana shivers and asks Lex to close the window. As he does, Lana scrambles to the dresser and puts the chisel away. Lex asks again if she actually saw someone. She says no. Lex says that with all the press attention, it's easy to get a little paranoid. Lana, looking tired, glances at her cell phone before agreeing with Lex. She says that she may have imagined the whole thing. Good one, Lana. The closed captioning shows Lex saying, "Don't worry. This will all be over soon," but those words aren't actually spoken. He simply offers to go downstairs and get Lana some tea. As Lex puts an arm around her and ushers her out of the room (to watch him make tea?), the camera moves to the half-open drawer with the red handkerchief, and the dramatic music amps up. Opening credits.
Commercials. Can you imagine the nasty, pungent shits that lions would be dropping if they actually started eating Taco Bell?
Some photographers are milling about outside The Talon. Chloe is watching them from a window in her apartment. She's miffed that Lex has decided to take a business trip while the paparazzi are swarming outside. With that bit of exposition, we see Lana sitting on the couch, explaining that Lex didn't leave her unprotected. Chloe snarks about Lex's "Robocops" patrolling outside. Chloe repeats that she can't believe Lex would leave the country after a demented stranger broke into Lana's bedroom. Lana admits that she led Lex to believe it was just jitters. Lana's voice sounds really hoarse. Maybe she has a cold. "You lied to Lex?" asks Chloe. Lana says that she couldn't show Lex the cell-phone photo. Chloe says that she'll stay with Lana until they catch "Norman Bates"; she adds that she needs to see the phone. Lana, for some weird reason, hesitates. Chloe tells Lana that it's the only way they're going to track this guy down. Chloe sees the picture and says she doesn't think Lex would have minded a picture of Lana in her lingerie. Lingerie? It was a big-ass robe. Lana says that it's the chisel she was worried about. She says she thinks Lex stabbed Clark with it after the engagement dinner. The picture, in close-up, shows Lana holding the instrument. Is this a chisel I see before me? Chloe gulps. She asks if all this secrecy is about "that which we do not speak of." Lana says she just wants Chloe's help in finding the stalker, and that she'll find out the information about Clark's secret on her own. Chloe gives her a dark look. Lana doesn't back down.
The Barnness of Choreitude. Clark is leading a horse into the barn (but not to water), talking sweetly to the animal. MamaKent walks in, bundled up and cold, asking what he's doing there. Clark says that he's still doing his chores. MamaKent asks how she was able to drive to Metropolis, go to a children's fundraiser dinner, and drive back in that time. Clark says that he has to do his chores the normal way: with the paparazzi following Lana and exposing him as an ex, he feels like he's being watched. Clark says that he's spent so much time trying to stay out of the spotlight, but pushing Lana to Lex has put him right back into it. Chloe, also shivering, enters the scene carrying a brown envelope. She says that it has to be warmer in that spotlight than it is outside. MamaKent says, a little insensitively, that she'll make hot cocoa to thaw out the two of them who can actually feel the cold. Wait. So Clark gets no cocoa love? Also, I know Clark is powerful, but he can't feel temperature changes? Or is it that they just don't bother him? MamaKent rubs Chloe's upper arms and then goes to make the drinks. Clark says that Chloe looks half-frozen. He asks if she shouldn't be to a fire somewhere, snuggling to Jimmy. Chloe says that she's on a mocha-mint run for Lana (decaf?). At least, that's what she's letting Lana believe. Wouldn't Lana know that Chloe didn't just go downstairs to get the coffee at The Talon? Chloe tells Clark about the creepy phone call and the breaking and entering. Clark asks what Lex is doing about it. Chloe says that Lana has some "compelling reasons" for keeping him in the dark. Clark is about to spring into action, but Chloe tells him that there are guards and that Lana's fine. She says that nobody's going to go near Lana without the security team knowing about it. You really think so? Clark wonders if there's something he can do. Chloe says that she dug up information about a "lowlife shutterbug" named Louis Esposito. She says that Jimmy knows the world of shady photographers and could help; she asks Clark to call him about it. Clark asks why she can't just call Jimmy herself. Chloe says that she can't, since they sort of broke up. Clark asks if it has anything to do with keeping his secret. Chloe says it doesn't. "And yes," she finally admits. Clark starts blaming himself, but not without mentioning that his lies have already pushed Lana away. Chloe says that Lana is a lot closer to Clark's secret than he knows. Chloe shows Clark a blown-up version of the cell-phone picture. It seems like an awfully good picture to have come out of a cell phone. She asks if Clark recognizes anything. "It's my dad's chisel," says Clark. He's upset that it's bigger than his. Outrage! Clark asks if Lana saw Lex stab him. Chloe says that Lana doesn't know what she saw, even though it really sounds like she did. Chloe says that Lana has been orbiting Clark's secret for years, and that she may finally be coming in for a landing.
The fireplace is going at the apartment above The Talon. Lana is using a laptop. She sneakily clicks on a hard drive icon for the computer labeled "Chloe's." We're supposed to like this person? Her friend takes her in and she sneaks around in her computer? A big list of folders opens. Lana eyes ones that called "Smallville" and "CK." Lana hesitates. Looks toward the door. Clicks on "CK." A dialogue comes up: "! Please Enter Your Password !" Lana, frustrated, shuts the laptop. That'll be a really nice greeting when Chloe opens the computer. Lana stands with her coffee cup and heads toward the kitchen area. She hears a noise from outside. "Brady?" she asks. Lana hears a scrape from outside, and sees a shadow pass from outside the front door. She drops the coffee cup, which shatters on the floor. Lana grabs a huge knife from near the sink and goes to the front door. She opens it, expecting someone to pop out. Instead, it's just the empty top of the staircase.
Lana calls for Brady again. No answer. She walks slowly downstairs as precious minutes of airtime are wasted. That's all right. This is easier to recap. Lana notices something near the front door of the abandoned coffee shop: an upside-down chair with a red present between the legs, tied with a white bow. The present does that TV thing where the gift and the ribbon don't actually go around the box, so you can just slip the box open. Lana opens the box. She looks disgusted. Inside the box is a red teddy. (The lingerie kind, not a bear.) Lana looks in the box and finds a note. It reads, in all-caps, "I want you to wear this..." On the other side, it reads, "when I kill you." This is probably the direction America's Top Model should be going. Lana is terrified. A shadow approaches from behind her. She runs to the back of The Talon and exits through the back door. The photographers waiting out there are already snapping photos as they yell questions at her. Flashes flash. One photographer with a beard yells, "Miss Lang, right here!" Brady finally shows up. He grabs Lana's shoulders, and she almost stabs him with her big knife. He asks what she's doing. Lana says that someone's in the building. Brady leads her back inside and says that his men are guarding her. "Then how do you explain that?" she asks, pointing to the gift. Yeah, Brady. Just what the fuck is going on, Brady? If that's your real name! Just after Brady reads the card, they hear noises from the front door. Brady draws his gun and aims. Chloe walks in with the younger guard, who shall be known as Security Eyebrows. (He was also a smarmy young agent on Entourage.) "What's going on?" he asks. Why do these guys all have earpieces if they're not going to tell each other when they're entering the building to bring Chloe home? Brady says that they have a serious problem. Everyone tries to look concerned even though it's late in the sixth season and it's just a little hard to even give a shit anymore. Luckily, commercials help.
Commercials. My wife and I had an interesting conversation about that Victoria's Secret "Perfect Man" spot after I joked that it was me and my wife made a comment about the mannishness of some of their models' faces, but it's probably too boring for me to share here.
It's snowing hard in Metropolis. We get a whitewashed fly-over of the city. Inside The Daily Planet, Jimmy, wearing a retro mustard short-sleeved shirt, is makin' copies. Jimmy. The Olsenator! Copies... All right, I've already bored myself with that one. Clark, wearing his much less attractive red shirt/blue jacket combo, calls for Jimmy. A little awkwardly, Jimmy says that Chloe's not here. How does Clark keep getting in the building? Does the front desk love him that much? Clark says that he's there to see Jimmy. Jimmy sighs and says he thought this was coming. Rationally, he says that, despite their differences, he thinks Clark is a decent guy. Clark squints. Jimmy says that Chloe obviously thinks Clark can walk on air. Sigh. "Who am I to stand in the way?" Jimmy asks, a bit pathetically. Jimmy walks away. Clark tries to stop him, and then Jimmy spins on Clark to say, "But if you hurt her...I don't care how impossibly gigantic you are. I will chop you down like a cherry tree. And that...ain't no lie!" He points a vaguely threatening finger at Clark and everything. Sometimes it takes me a while to take to a new character, but I think I love Jimmy for that one. Clark, a little bemused, says it's nice to know that Jimmy would risk getting put in traction to protect Chloe's honor. You know, Clark could have acknowledged that one without the lame bullshit threat. Jimmy, with amazing seriousness, says that a girl like Chloe is worth spending the rest of his life in a body cast for. Awww. Happy Valentine's Day, Jimmy. Clark says he feels the same way. Then he realizes what he just said and adds, "As her friend. Nothing more. I swear." Jimmy buys into that and nods. Clark tells Jimmy that now that he knows how Jimmy feels, maybe he'd like to reconsider his relationship with Chloe. Clark raises the eyebrows to let Jimmy know that Chloe's ready and willing. Jimmy asks if that's what Clark came to tell him. Clark brings up the business about Lana's trouble. "So what's the sitch?" says Jimmy. "Sitch"? Really? For "situation"? Although, now that you say it, I would like to see Wolf Blitzer's Sitch Room. Clark says that they need to track down a paparazzo, and asks whether Jimmy's worked with those kinds of guys before. Jimmy says that it took a week to wash off the slime. Clark has a name, and asks if Jimmy can track him down. Jimmy, brightly, says he can do anything for a friend of Chloe's.
On a cell phone screen, we see news video of Lana emerging from the back of The Talon. Then we see Lex in the back of his limo watching the video on his Sprint phone. Hey, Lex, you should watch the Green Arrow show ! Lex dials a 3 to get to Brady. Awww. Brady is in his top 5. You don't think they're Secret Luvahs, do you? Lex barks into the phone, "I turn on the news and this is what I see?" At least you're not seeing stuff about Anna Nicole Smith. It's really depressing. Instead, Lex saw his girly girl scared out of her mind on TV. Brady, at the apartment above The Talon, says that they have the situation (or "sitch," if you will) under control. Lex says that he doesn't share that optimistic assessment, and that he's cutting his trip short. Like Verne Troyer short. Lex orders Brady to get Lana to LuthorCorp Plaza (because that building is so secure), and to shoot anyone that gets within a hundred feet of her. Security Eyebrows stands nearby as Brady agrees. At the apartment, Brady tells Lana, who is sitting on the couch with Chloe, that they have to go, and that LuthorCorp is the only place where they can guarantee Lana's safety. Lana, still sounding sick, stands and asks if that's not the first place the stalker would think to go. That doesn't mean it's not a good place, does it? Chloe unhelpfully says, "That's the first place I would look." Well, why don't you stalk Lana, then, Miss Picky? Security Eyebrows offers, "Miss Lang," and then shuts up. Lana says that the only place she'll be safe is the last place anybody would think she'd go. Pluto? Because that place isn't even a planet anymore. She tells them to get the car ready. Brady tries to interject something about Lex, but Lana says that Lex isn't there. Who wants to party? Lana tells Brady that unless they plan to kidnap her, she's going to go where she wants, so he'd better follow her orders. Everyone exchanges tense glances. They should play Twister right now.
Kent Farm. It's snowy. Now, if they took a car from The Talon to the farm, don't you think the paparazzi would have followed? Do paparazzi not have access to ground transportation? Wouldn't a high-rise offer better protection? Wait, I forgot. Lana's smarter than everybody else and is always right. MamaKent opens the door to Clark's bedroom and allows Lana in. Couldn't they have given her MamaKent's room just to keep it from being so weird? Brady, already in the room, tells Lana that the room is secure (and very gay), and that the men are posted on the grounds. Brady says that he'll be right outside the door. Lana tells MamaKent that she knows this is a terrible (and awkward. And politically dangerous) intrusion. MamaKent says that if you're taking the Luthor name, armed guards and dodging the press go with the gold ring. Lana says she's hoping that it won't always be that way. MamaKent asks if there's anything else she can do. Lana says that she's going to sleep. Then she asks if it's all right with Clark. MamaKent, ever mindful of her son's feelings, says that Clark can survive a night on the couch. They bid each other goodnight as MamaKent exits.
Lana takes off her scarf and looks around the generically cluttered room. She takes a deep, uncomfortable breath, but smiles when she sees the framed photos on Clark's computer desk. There's one of Chloe, Clark, and Pete; one of Clark with his parents; and another of just Chloe. Lana, with hot tea in a cup on the desk, opens a drawer underneath the computer monitor and keyboard. What, no snooping on Clark's PC? Lana digs in the drawer, finding a framed photo of herself -- an old one in which she's wearing the old Kryptonite necklace. Sad music plays. Lana puts the photo away and takes off her jacket. She notices a globe and a poster of the Earth. She goes to Clark's dresser. Opens the top drawer. Looks sneakily toward the door. She sees a box for Chavelo Cigars; inside, there's a Smallvillle Crows ribbon, a tiny action figure, and assorted junk. Lana finds her old necklace in the drawer. The formerly green rock is now completely clear.
Lana stares at the necklace until her cell phone rings. She gasps, closes the cigar box, and shuts the drawer. On the cell phone screen, it reads that the caller's number is "Restricted." Lana answers the call: "Who is this?" The male voice says that she can't hide -- not even in Clark Kent's bedroom. Maybe in Clark Kent's closet? The man says that he knows everything about Lana. There's not much to know, sir. Can we help you with something else? Lana says she doesn't care what he knows, but that there's an army between them and that he'll never get close to her. "I'm closer than you think, Princess," says the man. Pink Princess. With a pink horse and magic rainbow beams. Lana walks toward the door and calls for Brady. Something stops her. She looks down and sees a pool of blood coming from under the door. Lana, for no good reason, dips her finger in it. Yep. Blood. Wanna taste? She opens the unlocked door. Brady is lying in the hall, dead. It looks like his throat's been slashed. His gun is still on his belt. So long, Brady. We hardly knew ye. But we did know ye was incompetent. Lana grabs the gun. What stalker would leave a gun just lying around? The cell rings again. "Why are you doing this?" Lana asks. The man says that it's because she deserves this. Yes, we know, but are there any other reasons? Brady, not quite dead, gasps and tries to grab Lana's ankle. She screams and steps back. Lana falls down the stairs, rolling hard. She tumble for ya! We cut to commercials as soon as she hits the lower-level floor.
Commercials. Cinderella III on DVD. This time the mice are pissed! And they've got guns! Also, the Green Arrow cell-phone chronicles continue.
Smallville Medical Center. It always comes back to this place. Maybe they should have merged this show with Kingdom Hospital when they had the chance. Lana is lying in a hospital bed with barely a monitoring instrument around. MamaKent sits in a chair nearby. Lana's doctor, Dr. Mutant Deliverer, is over by a table. MamaKent rushes to the bed as Lana wakes; MamaKent tells her that she's in the hospital, and that she's in good hands. Good evil, mutant-delivering hands. Lana has a scrape on her forehead. The doctor says that Lana took quite a fall. He gives it an 8.5; she sort of messed up the landing. Lana puts her hand on her flat belly and says that all she cares about is the baby. Doctor Deliverer says that the baby is fine. In fact, the baby is stronger than us all and has taken care of itself with its healing mutant pre-natal vision. The doctor asks MamaKent to excuse them. She says she'll wait outside. The doctor tells Lana that he's worried about her blood pressure, which is a little high. A nurse walks in with a tray as the doctor says he's going to give Lana a mild sedative. Danger! Danger! This rings false! No morphine, please! Lana says, "No," but the doctor tells her that it won't hurt the baby. It'll make the baby stronger, able to chew through flesh! Bwah ha ha! Lana believes the doctor. He infuses Lana with the poison...er, heh heh, "sedative." Where're the Scientologists when you really need them? Lana drifts off. The doctor, all but cackling, allows Security Eyebrows to waltz right into the room and ask how Lana's doing. The doctor says that she's shaken. But not stirred, because she's asleep. Eyebrows says that they want to transfer Lana to a secure room, because she's still in danger. The doctor says that there might be a place they can use in the old wing. A place where there's no modern equipment and nobody around? Sure! Why not? That makes perfect damn sense. "Do it," says Eyebrows. Yeah, doctor, go handle security. I'll be by the snack machines. Eyebrows walks out. The doctor gives Lana a serious look.
Streets of Metropolis. Clark and Jimmy enter an old-school darkroom with lots of tinted lights. Clark asks if Jimmy is sure this is the place. Jimmy says that this is the rock under which the photographer is prone to crawling. Clark snarks that the parasite business doesn't seem to pay very well. This place is huge. What are you talking about, Clark? Jimmy thinks the guy probably makes a few hundred "K" a year. Jimmy asks if you should blame the guy taking the pictures or the general public clamoring for more. I blame you, Jimmy. Goddamn you, Jimmy. Jimmy finds a box to a big computer screen. It's filled with discs labeled by month. Jimmy finds "February." They stick the disc in the computer, and a bunch of shots of Lana come up. Clark decides that this is definitely their guy. Jimmy examines the shots more closely: they're photos of Lana sneaking around Kent Farm, including some of her carrying a camera. "You two must have something special, C.K.," says Jimmy. "She's stalking you." What can he say? He's a sex machine. Clark's phone rings. It's MamaKent. Clark tells her that he's in Metropolis with Jimmy. A date? She tells Clark something that prompts him to say he'll be right there. Jimmy asks what's going on. Clark says that Esposito attacked Lana, and that Clark has to get to the hospital. MamaKent waited till now to call Clark? Jimmy says that they should grab the photos, but as he gathers them, Clark whooshes out of there, leaving Jimmy alone. Get used to it, buddy. "C.K.?" Jimmy asks.
Close-up on Lana's eyes. They are opening in an unfamiliar place. A phone rings nearby. Lana, in a nearly empty room with no vitals monitors hooked up to her, arises in bed. The door is ajar. Lana, barefoot, gets out of bed. She walks into the hall. It's incredibly creepy. The wing is dark, and there's plastic covering much of it. Nobody's around to guard Lana or watch over her -- not even MamaKent. Contrivance! Lana hears a phone continuing to ring. She walks back and finds her phone on a table. The camera and sound react as if it's a bomb. Lana picks it up: "Hello?" On the line, Chloe says that she heard what happened. She hasn't made it to the hospital yet. Lana starts to explain, but as she turns, she's instantly photographed. Lana screams, and is followed by the evil photographer, who continues shooting, the flash making everything look strobed out. Chloe hears crashing. Lana runs as the photographer follows, on the attack. Lana runs into a room full of IV stands; the darkness makes it look very scary. Lana falls, crawling on the floor. The photographer doesn't give up. Lana raises her hands to block the flash. Someone rushes in, grabs the photographer, and throws him against a wall. The photographer falls down, knocking stuff over. Clark was the thrower, of course. But we're barely halfway through the episode. Surely this guy can't be the real villain! Security Eyebrows comes out of hiding. He's holding out his gun and wearing gloves. "What are you doing here?" he asks. "Your job," Clark tells him. The photographer groans. Eyebrows picks him up and takes him away. Clark goes to help Lana. Where's the rest of the security team? Clark asks if Lana's all right. They hear two gunshots from out in the hall. They go to see what happened. Eyebrows stands over Esposito's body: "He had a piece on him. I didn't have a choice." A piece of what? Pie? You should never shoot someone over a piece of pie. Mmmm, pie. I want pie. And I'll shoot anyone who gets in my way. Anybody want to check the body to confirm this guy's story? "It's over, Miss Lang," Eyebrows tells them. Dark, thundering sound effecs play. Eyebrows offers to take Lana home. Sure you don't want to leave her in this empty, scary, dark-ass hospital wing? Eyebrows puts a protective arm around Lana and leads her away. Lana turns and stares at Clark as she walks in slow motion. We go to commercials.
We've entered an era of dark days when Tyra Banks has to defend her weight to anybody. Dark, dark days.
It's also a dark day at Stately Luthor Manor, where the weather outside is frightful. Show is falling, heavy and deep. Lana stands by the fireplace in the Lair of Lex. There's a knock at the double doors: it's Security Eyebrows. He says that Lex's plane is in the air now, but that Lex won't be back until tomorrow; the plane has been re-routed because of weather. Couldn't Lex have told Lana this himself by phone? Did his phone get re-routed, too? Lana thanks Eyebrows for everything. She says that if it wasn't for him, she doesn't want to think about what might have happened. What about Clark? No props for him? Eyebrows nods. He takes off his useless earpiece and walks forward, saying he hopes he's not crossing a line (which usually means you are, if you have to preface what you say with that), but that Lex should have never left her alone. "When did you start calling him by his first name?" asks Lana. Eyebrows apologizes and says that it's been a rough night. Lana says she knows. It's been a rough few seasons. Lana says that she hasn't eaten since this whole thing started, and asks him to have the kitchen bring something up for her. Lana goes to Lex's bar and grabs a blu botol. Eyebrows says that he sent the staff and the rest of the team home. Lana looks at him worriedly. Eyebrows says that he didn't want them to get caught in the storm. Yeah, it's not like they'd have anywhere comfortable to stay in this big-ass giant castle. Lana says that's very considerate. She's about to pour her water into a glass when Eyebrows says it's something Lana would do. He says, inappropriately, that she's not like all the other girls Lex paraded around here. I kind of liked the doctor he paraded. She wasn't like Lana at all. So Eyebrows has been working here how long? "Remember that line?" Lana asks. Eyebrows steps forward, saying that he's been crossing over a lot of lines. Murderous lines. Lines marked in bloooood. "All for you, princess," he says. Ha! Pwincess.
Lana's face gets drawn with sudden knowledge. Eyebrows, suddenly going into creepy stalker mode, says that he watches Lana every day, and that she's never even noticed. Lana says that he took the picture of her in the bedroom. And that he's the one who's been calling. "You killed Brady," she accuses. Eyebrows nods. He says he wasn't supposed to, but that Brady figured out that the stalker had to be someone on the security team. Brady figured this out at the Kent home? And didn't call Lex to tell him? Or do anything to protect himself from an ambush? Brady was a fucking dumb-ass. But then, it is Lex's crack security team, so I'm not sure why I should be surprised. Eyebrows says that he couldn't let Brady stop him from saving Lana. So, somebody explain to me how this is supposed to make any sense. Eyebrows is in love with Lana, he wants to get her away from Lex, so he scares her and makes murderous threats and then creeps her out right now? Smooth, buddy. Real smooth.
Lana asks whom Eyebrows was trying to protect her from. The photographer? She asks if he was just a part of all this. Eyebrows says that the photographer had a part to play, but that Lana's ex messed it up. He says that he wanted to show Lana how far he was willing to go. Lana guesses that he wanted to shoot the photographer in front of her, but that Clark stopped it before he could do that. Eyebrows: "Lex is infecting you. You're starting to talk like him. Think like him. It makes me sick what he's doing to you." He says that he can stop it and give Lana her life back. Dude. You're making no sense. And you're about to be a fired, broke-ass, unskilled security person. Lana, almost crying, says, "You're right. I never wanted any of this." She says that she didn't know what she was getting herself into, and now she can't get out. I sure hope they're not trying to make us think that Lana is speaking truths here, because Lana's had every opportunity to say no to Lex and to refuse to marry him. She was the one who initiated the sex that probably got her pregnant (assuming she got pregnant through sex). This better be Lana just saying whatever she needs to say to get out of this situation. (Er, "sitch.") "Help me," Lana tells Eyebrows. He smiles, breathing heavily, taken aback by her sudden passion. He touches the side of her face as Lana tries not to recoil. Eyebrows promises to save her. Lana takes the blu botol and smashes it against the side of his head. He falls. Lana runs down the hallway. She goes to her bedroom and locks the door. Lana sees the red handkerchief lying on the bed. The chisel is gone. She picks up a phone. There's no dial tone. The wall panel for the plug has been ripped out of the wall. Eyebrows knocks on the door. He has no key to the room? And he can't break some glass? He yells for Lana, and tries to push the door open. It starts to buckle. He finds an axe conveniently placed in a nearby crest and just ready to be pulled out. Eyebrows breaks through the door. He sees a window open, snow blowing in.
Chloe's apartment. Chloe's examining the photos of Lana that Esposito (now deceased) took at the barn. She says that Lana is certainly persistent. Clark says that Chloe was persistent, too, when she was trying to figure out his secret. Chloe gives Clark a look, and wonders aloud if Lana had an ulterior motive for staying in Clark's room when she was hiding out. Clark asks if that's why she went to his house. Chloe says that you don't live with Lex without picking up a trick or two, and points again to all the pictures of Lana sneaking around the barn. Lana didn't notice someone snapping dozens of photos? That's one quiet camera with a bad-ass zoom lens. Clark notices a photo. There's a woman holding a glass of wine and flashing some cleavage, standing to a sign that reads "Children's Foundation Benefit." Clark says that his mom was at that event the night before in Metropolis. He says that if Esposito took this photo, he couldn't have taken the one of Lana in her bedroom. "Then who did?" asks Chloe.
Back at the castle. Lana is being chased outside on an upper level of the castle. Is this the roof above Lex's office? Lana struggles to open some double doors, but they're locked. She turns and sees Eyebrows. "There's nowhere to go," he says. It's like he's telling the story of Season 6. "It's too late to save you, Lana," he says with regret. He's, like, a soothsayer! Lana turns to run, and Eyebrows tries to strike her with an axe. He misses, and Lana kicks him. He takes another swing with the axe as Lana ducks. She falls, and Eyebrows grabs her by the hair and pulls her up. He chokes her, saying, "You were a good person once!" Naw. I don't think you got that right, buddy. Eyebrows says that's how he'll remember her when he's gone. Lana punches him and pushes. He grabs her wrist and pulls as he falls back against a huge skylight. The two of them fall. We get a reverse angle from below, glass falling toward us in slow motion. We don't see them land. Eyebrows is on the ground, dead, his eyes staring open. We see a set of big feet. It's Clark. He's holding Lana in his arms, having done a nice catch. He couldn't catch Eyebrows at the same time? "Clark," says Lana. He gently puts her down. She asks what happened: "How did you...?" Clark says that Lana's safe now, and that's all that matters. "No, it isn't," says Lana. "You're here after...everything." She asks why Clark is still watching over her. Obsession? Boredom? Just to piss us off? "Maybe for the same reason you've been watching me," Clark tells her. Aw, geez. Can we just end this now, please? Do we really need to epilogue this shit?
Commercials. It is interesting to me that we seek out soups called "chunky."
Daily Planet. Chloe and Clark walk into the newsroom. Chloe is telling Clark that it's remarkable how the roads from Metropolis to Smallville mysteriously thawed out the night before. She asks if Clark had anything to do with that. "Nature is a mysterious creature," he answers. He asks if she's talked to Lana yet. Chloe says that they've danced to this tune before, and that she's not playing pickle in the middle anymore. For some reason, that makes Clark think of Lex. Clark says that Lana is getting too close to finding out his secret, and asks what he's supposed to do. Chloe says that Lana risked her life by not showing Lex that camera photo; she did that to protect Clark's secret, which somehow proves where her loyalties lie. Or it just proves how obsessed Lana is with finding out why she was lied to for so many years. Jimmy walks in: "Yo. C.K." He's mad that Clark left him holding the photos in the darkroom. He hands over that box of discs. I think you'd call it "evidence." Clark apologizes and says that he had to rush over to see if Lana was all right. Jimmy takes a few moments. Takes a look at Chloe. "I can understand that urge," he says. Chloe steals a glance at Jimmy. Jimmy asks how Lana's doing. Clark says that she's fine, and that Jimmy really came through. Chloe thanks him, too. Clark says that Jimmy and Chloe should catch up, and walks away. Jimmy slowly walks to Chloe. He says that Clark's not such a bad guy. "Yeah," Chloe agrees, "but he's no Jimmy Olsen." Jimmy is genuinely touched by that, and asks if that means Chloe misses him. Chloe half-smiles and shrugs. Jimmy steps forward and kisses her. Jimmy says, "Me too." Nose snuggling. Smiles.
Lana's bedroom. She's sleeping. Lex is watching her. Lana wakes up, sees Lex, and smiles instead of screaming. "God, I'm a lucky man," says Lex. Because you get to watch Lana sleep instead of being in bed with her? Lex says that he felt powerless not being able to help her while he was gone. Lana sits up, smiles, and says that everything is all right. Lex says that the security chief at LuthorCorp Plaza says that she never made it there; he asks why. Lana says that she went to the Kent Farm; she had to trust her instincts, as Lex taught her. Lex says that her instincts led her to her ex-boyfriend's house. Lana says that she went there because she thought it was the last place they'd look. It's not like Clark hasn't been in the tabloids or anything. Lex says that's good enough for him. In the old days, it was fantastic for him. Lex says that, above anything else, he trusts Lana: "And I love you." Lana smiles and doesn't reply. Lex leans in to kiss her cheek, and Lana winces as he does it, even though it's not the side of her head with the wound. Wow, she really, really is not into this at all. Run, Lex! Lana smiles again, pretending to love Lex. It's pretty crappy. Lex walks out of the room. Lana, sneakily, gets up and goes to her vanity. She opens the top drawer. The handkerchief and chisel are gone. Lana looks suspiciously toward the door.
The Barnness of Hardlabortude. Clark is sanding down a wooden chair. At normal speed. Lex appears: "Looks like you're working out some issues there." Clark says that he's just doing a little honest work, and suggests that Lex try it sometime. Oh, shut up, you jerkoff. You're just mad that it's taking you more than two minutes to do your chores. "Why start now?" Lex asks. "My life's perfect." Clark asks what Lex wants. Lex holds out his hands, saying he wants nothing, and that he just wanted to take a little sleigh ride down memory lane. Lex points out the place where Clark took Lana after kidnapping her right before he tried to kill Lex. Clark says that he wasn't himself that night. "I'm sorry," he says half-assedly. "You're sorry?" spits Lex. "What, that you didn't finish the job?" He chuckles that he's fuzzy on the details, given that he was being choked to death, but what's fascinating is how, after all that, Lana still felt safe coming to the barn. Clark says glumly that it was her choice, and that he had nothing to do with it. "You never do," says Lex, adding that it's all right -- he understands the allure of trying to unravel the mystery of Clark Kent. "I suffered from it once, too, when I thought you mattered," says Lex, thinking about old times and being super crazy bitchy about lost love. Clark steps forward angrily: "Are we done?" Sadly, they are. Lex seems a bit regretful, and it is the Gayest and Most Wistful Look of the Episode. Lex says that there's nothing left but the formalities. He hands Clark a larger version of the wedding invitation that was sent out, telling Clark not to be so surprised. He says that Lana still cares about Clark. Lex knows that. He knows what it would mean to Lana to have Clark there. How about a big wedding-cake-sized slice of AWKWARD! Worst idea ever. Don't invite exes to your wedding. Just don't. It's bad, bad, bad juju. Clark looks hurt. He asks if that's what Lex really wants. "What I want?" Lex asks. He says he wants to make Lana happy for the rest of her life. He swants Clark there at their wedding day: "To see what you lost." Cold! Lex spins and says, "Make sure you RSVP," as he walks out and defiant alt-crap music plays. Score one for Lex. He totally nailed Clark there. And not even in the sexual way. "We need a headcount for the reception," Lex adds as he walks away. Clark is speechless. Suck on that, Superman.