'Ships Of Fools

S06E13

By Omar G

In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.

I never thought I'd say that I miss having Kryptofreaks around, but, damn, Smallville? Are you crazy?! No, wait, that was last week. This week's episode has more sinking 'ships than the Bermuda Triangle. Jimmy gets the weird idea of pairing up Lois and Clark, so he arranges to have them meet at a Valentine's Day party at The Talon. It goes predictably badly until Lois meets a mysterious woman who gives her an aphrodisiac lipstick containing red Kryptonite. Lois becomes smitten with Clark, and goes after him with a corset and miniskirt vengeance. She even makes him a Whitesnake mix CD which, in the full recap, will force my hand at revealing that, yes, I owned a cassette tape of Still Of The Night. Clark resists for a while, but eventually Lois plants a kiss on him, infecting him with the Red K. Just as they're about to do it right on Oliver's apartment furniture, Clark finds an invitation to Lex and Lana's engagement party. Lex and Lana have decided not to reveal Lana's pregnancy, but that plan goes awry when Clark -- in black clothes, of course -- crashes the party and says horrible things to everyone. To MamaKent: "I hate Papa Luthor and his Luthor ass face!" To Chloe: "You like me, and maybe I'll do you someday." To Lex and Lana: "You don't belong together, you're having a baby, and hey, let me borrow the lady." As everybody scrambles, Chloe and Jimmy use an antidote on Lois. Clark takes Lana with him, spirits her off to the barn, and forces a kiss on her that she instantly returns. He tells her not to marry Lex, and she rants at Clark for his lousy timing and thecrecy and lieth, yet again. It sounds a tiny bit familiar. Lex shows up and pulls a gun on Clark, which doesn't go well. MamaKent busts out the green Kryptonite, heals Clark, and saves Lex's life. Lex and Lana aren't exactly thrilled with everything that's happening, and Lex once again sees that this marriage ain't gonna be preternaturally pretty. But here's a creepy note: the doctor making sure Lana's pregnancy is still fine tells Lex on the sly that things are on schedule even though it's not a normal pregnancy. Kryptobaby in the belly! Clark and Lois have a weird make-up scene together that's as gooey as a PB&J sandwich. Lana finds a screwdriver Lex tried to drive into Clark's stomach, but got all bent up. She gets ever closer to Clark's secret. Which would have been interesting about three seasons ago. Want more? The full recap starts right below!

Is it just me, or do you have the midseason blahs too? Blah. Blah. Blah. Repeat for 8,000 more words.

Someone threw up all over the inside of The Talon, and they must have been eating cotton candy, because it's all pink. We open on a small cherub statue, then we pan across to see frilly, gauzy tubes hanging from the ceiling, star-shaped lights and bubbles. A banner in the background reads, "happy valentine's day." Hey, the banner committee found work after high school! I'm so glad they're not resting on their laurels. Soft alt-rock plays as Chloe and Clark walk in. A guy spins a girl as people dance. "Chloe, what the hell is this?" asks Clark, clearly perturbed. Like there surely wasn't a huge announcement on the marquee outside: "Get your pink latte and kiss! It's V-day!" This sadly confirms what I have long suspected: Clark is functionally illiterate. He probably thought the sign said something about movie night. Clark says he thought they were coming in to get a coffee: "How could you do this to me?" Chloe swears she didn't know, and says she's sorry. Why is she apologizing for The Talon having a Valentine's Day party? It's taken me six seasons, but I think I'm realizing that Chloe and Clark may not have the healthiest friendship. Clark turns to go (why not at super speed?), but Chloe stops him, saying that he's not going to hide in the barn for the rest of his life. Emotionally, yes. Physically, not so much. As the camera has fun following them in circles, Clark reminds Chloe about what she usually says regarding the holiday: that it's the annual peek into Hell. For her, it usually is. Clark says, with more bitterness than is probably necessary, that this was before Chloe got struck by Cupid's arrow. Chloe says that she's been trapped in a front-row seat to the Clark/Lana operetta, and asks if she doesn't finally deserve a good V-Day. And she actually says "V-Day." Clark says that Chloe is the only person who can make him feel guilty, relieved, and sad all in the same sentence. It's called acting! Seriously, though, this can't be healthy, guys. Bubbles fly. Chloe says her ability to evoke those emotions in Clark is a gift. With residuals. Chloe assures Clark that his "achy-breaky heart" will go away one of these days. After the seventh season. Clark, deadpan, asks if Chloe can put that in writing. Why would you want that in writing? Chloe tells Clark to give the Lana thing a little more time, and that the love of his life could be just around the corner.

Just then, the camera loses focus on Chloe (typical) and aims at the entrance, where Lois walks in, Jimmy right behind her. Jimmy is going to be the love of Clark's life!? Oh. Lois. Right. Shit. Lois -- wearing some sort of strange half-trenchcoat tied at the waist -- stops, surveys the scene, and asks if it's normal that she wants all the cherubs to burst into flames. No, it's fine, just don't have any babies, I'm begging you. Jimmy nods his head a little strangely, and then takes Lois's arm while he explains that it's a bit like finding out how babies are born. Fucking? "What?" Lois asks, as confused as I am. Jimmy asks her to stay with him. He explains, a little too enthusiastically, that it all seems so confusing and weird, but when that bomb hits (love bomb...look out below! BOOM! Sperm shrapnel!), everything just falls into place and it makes sense. Jimmy loves to get laid, people. Take note. Lois shakes her head a tiny bit, signifying that all Jimmy's blather makes as little sense to her as it does to us. Jimmy approaches Chloe and gives her a little kiss. Clark looks away and grimaces like it's the most annoying thing in the world. Oh, grow the fuck up, Clark. A woman in a full angel costume, including halo and wings, walks by. Amazingly, it's not Lana. Chloe greets Jimmy. Then she adds, "...and Lois!" She's surprised. Sardonically, Clark says, "Welcome to the lovefest." Lois complains that she's without her Uzi. Chloe excuses herself, and takes Jimmy away to ask what the hell he's doing. She says that they were supposed to take Clark out. Like that wouldn't be a horrible night. Jimmy says that Lois was all alone, and then it hit him: "Lois and Clark," he says with wonder. He nods, smiling. "Lois and Clark?" Chloe asks. Ack. Jeez. We get it. Jimmy says that they've got chemistry. "So do nitroglycerine and peroxide," says Chloe. She doesn't suggest putting them together. Chloe leads Jimmy to the counter to get some coffee. Clark and Lois stand side by side, trying to outcool each other. Clark gives her a weird look, and then dismisses his own thought. Lois does the same. Lois realizes that they were just set up. Clark agrees. "That's like hot fudge...and halibut," says Lois. How old is Lois? What person in their early twenties uses the word "halibut" in normal conversation? Clark guesses that he's the halibut. "Naturally," says Lois. Clark decides that he's had his fill of fat babies with arrows and stupid women calling him fish. He tells Lois to knock herself out.

Before Clark is even out of earshot, a woman in the background asks Lois, "A little down on love?" How'd you guess? Lois turns and tells the woman -- who's sitting at a table with wares spread out all around her -- that cupid could use her for target practice and she wouldn't feel anything after her last breakup. The woman -- who has a smooth low voice and a pretty face -- tells Lois that she may need a euphoria elixir or a romance remedy. Or maybe some crack. Lois, given the hole in her head where her better judgment should be, totally falls for the sales pitch. She jokes that, as far as moving on is concerned, she's still waiting for acid wash to come back in style. The woman removes a small box from a chest and tells Lois to try it; she says it's made with jasmine and aphrodisiac oils. I like oily jasmines! "I get the brilliant hue from red meteor rocks," the woman adds. And right there, Lois should run away, screaming, but for the purposes of this episode, she has to be a complete idiot and forget everything that's ever happened in this town. The box, which is lit at the bottom, holds a tube of lipstick. Lois is skeptical. The mysterious woman says that if Lois wears the lipstick, she'll fall in love with the first man she sets eyes on. How is any of this appealing at all? The guy she sees could be Bam Margera's dad. Lois decides that, at the worst, the color might not look good on her. Lois looks into a mirror and puts on the lipstick very, very slowly. It's very bright red. Magic music plays as the lips shine. In the mirror, Lois seems to have on quite a lot of other makeup, too. Tone it down, Lois. It's not 1987! Clark appears in the mirror behind Lois, looking lost. She smiles. She sees him by the doorway and goes all moony. "Clark," she says. Oh lordy. This one's gonna be a stinker. I can feel it in my brittle bones, people.

Opening credits. Commercials. And the winner for worst movie title of the year is...The Astronaut Farmer! Woo! They really nailed the demographic for this commercial placement.

A hand reaches for an invitation in a small box. The hand belongs to MamaKent, who still wears her wedding ring. You're never gonna get laid like that, lady! The invite reads, "LL: Mr. Alexander Luthor & Ms. Lana Lang Cordially Invite You To Celebrate Their Engagement. Don't Bring Capital Letters. We Have Plenty." Given that they have beeeellions of dollars, the invite looks a bit cheap. No colored letters? No fancy foil or onionskin? No cute ringtone when you open the card? What the fuck, Lex? It should come with a disembodied hand that gives it to you, at least. MamaKent is using the phone to RSVP. She gets off the phone quickly as Clark comes down the stairs. She asks how the Valentine's Day party went. She knew about it? Traitorous mother! Clark says that he survived another day. MamaKent starts to say something, but Clark stops her and says that if it's love advice, he already got his quota.

There's a knock at the door. It's Lois. Funny/cute music plays as MamaKent's eyes pop out. The camera ogles Lois from her black boots to her short black skirt to her green top. She's applying lipstick and looking into a compact. The music adds a pornographic drumbeat. "Lois," MamaKent says, with a bit of wonder. Lois smiles, asking if Clark is there. MamaKent takes a long moment to think on that, and then giggles and tells Lois to come on in. Maybe she has decided her son needs a good blowjob. Because he sure wasn't getting that from Lana. Or Chloe. Maybe Lex. Clark, pouring orange juice and not looking in her direction, tells Lois he's sorry she got pulled into that whole Jimmy thing the night before. The funny thing is, the show is making a huge deal out of Lois wearing a low-cut top and a miniskirt, but she dresses like that most of the time and has walked around the Kent house in a sports bra and biker shorts before. The thrill was already gone, folks. I wouldn't be surprised if Clark has already seen one of Lois's tits hanging out of her shirt at some point. Clark says that what happened must have sucked after what happened to Oliver. He stops in mid-sentence to stare at Lois. "Oliver's history," she says. Yeah, we kinda figured. Clark and MamaKent exchange a puzzled look.

As the porn music continues, Lois asks if MamaKent can give them a few minutes. MamaKent says that she'll be upstairs. Lois tries to walk sexily toward Clark. She moves aside the pitcher he was holding and says, "Here we find ourselves, all alone." She holds one of Clark's hands and comments on how big and strong they are; she asks how it is she never noticed that before. Clark, all giggly, pulls his hand back and retreats a step, asking what's going on. Lois says that she's not very good with words. The camera grazes her cleavage as it moves to her hands, which she is holding out to give Clark a CD. The front cover is a masterwork of hilarity. It's a heart-shaped (or cock-n-balls shaped) guitar with a skinny grey snake wrapped around it. The whole thing is a colored-pencil affair with the words TO CLARK on the top left. This is some awesome shit right here. Clark turns the CD around to read song titles with weird names like "The Way" and "Mojo Henry" and "Portland Zoo" as well as the fanciful "Rasta Mike's Reggae." Don't even get me started on "The Psychedelic Supermarket." No mention of Whitesnake, but Lois fills us in: "People don't think Whitesnake sings power ballads. But they do." I owned the cassette of Still Of The Night and blasted that shit into headphones all the time in my early teen years. Any mistakes you find in my recaps you can blame on that brain damage. "You made me a mix CD," Clark says, the way you ask someone about a car wreck in which she was severely injured. "Yeah," says Lois cutely. She tells Clark that she'll kill him if he tells anyone this (romantic!), but that there's nothing she loves more than slow dancing with someone's big, strong arms around her. "Just like yours, Smallville," she adds, pulling Clark's arms around her waist and getting close to mounting him. Somehow, Lois got the CD back, because she's holding it in her hands behind Clark's neck. Lois bites her lip. Clark enjoys the moment just a bit longer before pulling her hands away and suggesting that they put the CD on. Yes! Please! I wanna hear "Portland Zoo"! Lois agrees: "I know how you dance, so..." Just then, Clark has a natural gay reaction and superzips the hell out of there. There are hilarious shot of the outside of the farm, with Clark streaking toward the horizon. Get me away from all this vaginaaaaaaa! Vaginaaaaaaaaa! Goddamn, that's fun to say. "Just in case," Lois says, but she turns and sees that Clark is gone. Wow, that one's gotta hurt.

The Talon, daytime. Chloe is grabbing her keys and her purse as she heads for the door, only to open it and see Lana is standing right there. EEYYAAAH!! Don't do that! Chloe says she's surprised to see Lana there. Lana acknowledges that they left things in a weird place last time. Yeah, Metropolis. Chloe invites Lana in. Lana enters her old apartment, gritting her teeth, saying that she was very frustrated when last she walked away: "Chloe, I can't afford to lose you, too." Yeah you can, you're RICH! Lana says that since she's been with Lex, she's lost everyone else in her life. But she gained Aunt Nasty Nell, who is probably thrilled that Lana's marrying a billionaire. Chloe asks if Lana lost them or if she's being forced to leave her friends behind. Lana says she's not in captivity. Chloe says that she might not be, in so many words, but that she knows how protective Lex is of the things he values the most. Emphasis on the word "things." We get a wide shot of the room, which still has those awesome green shelves. There's a poster of A Clockwork Orange in the background. Lana says that Chloe has done her Maid of Honor duties by asking tough questions, but that she's hoping they can just get past this. Chloe agrees, and says that the case is closed. Chloe, grinning, asks if she missed something with the whole "Maid of Honor" spiel. Lana smiles back, saying that she hopes Chloe's not allergic to taffeta. Lana says that's why she came by: "Will you stand up with me?" Sure, because who else will? Chloe, laughing, says, "Of course!" They hug. Very briefly. Chloe asks if they'll just ignore the huge elephant in the corner named Clark. Lana goes all pragmatic, saying that whatever Clark is hiding, he chose to confide in the people he trusts most. Lana says that as much as she wishes she were one of those people, she can't hold it against Chloe. Chloe looks uncomfortable. Lana says that she won't ask Chloe to betray Clark's secret if she'll stop denying that he has one. Chloe has no response for that. Which is fine, because it's the end of the scene.

Flyover: Daily Planet. A comely young journalist in glasses walks by just as Chloe is coming down the stairs. She smiles when she sees some red roses on her desk in a plain white vase, and picks up the card. There are two hearts with arrows through them on the plain pink paper, and in all caps, it reads, "Thanks for my first unsucky Valentine's Day. Love, Jimmy xoxo..." Clark magically appears behind Chloe, wearing his crappy red jacket. "Will this holiday ever end?" he asks. Security! Chloe rolls her eyes, saying that she's sorry to offend with her criminal PDA. Can we find another abbreviation for "public displays of affection"? Because when I hear that, I always think Palm Pilot. Clark says that he and Chloe were supposed to meet twenty minutes ago, and asks where she's been. Chloe lies a little too obviously that she was stuck in traffic. Why not just tell the truth and say you were at home? Chloe says that she did some digging into their favorite "Martian manhunter," but has come up empty.

Clark says that they have another manhunter to worry about: "Lois." Whoa-oh, here she comes. Watch out, boy, she'll chew you up! She's a manhunter! Chloe asks why that makes her think of Lois wielding an axe toward every man in Metropolis. Given all the deaths on this show, it's not that funny a line. Playful music. Clark says that Lois is only after one man, and reluctantly declares, "Lois is...into me." Chloe finds this very cute. Clark shows Chloe the mix CD. Chloe says that Lois really pulled out all the stops. And the "plays." Clark explains that Lois must have overdosed on love potion. Chloe cracks up when she sees the track listing on the back of the CD. Clark tells her that this isn't funny. Chloe, laughing, says that it is pretty funny. Clark says that they have to figure out what happened before Lois strikes again. "Too late!" says Chloe: Lois is standing by the stairs. "There you are!" says Lois to Clark. She followed Clark all the way to Metropolis on a hunch? Lois says that she's been looking for Clark all over. Somehow she also found time to get herself a tattoo. She pulls her blouse back and displays a way tacky heart tattoo with roses around it. The banner over the heart reads, "LOIS & CLARK. FOREVER." Yikes. It's right at the top of her left boob. Well, it's not like a ton of people won't see it. She suggests that Clark could get one to match. Security! Please! We need help! Chloe suddenly believes Clark, and says she'll look into that story. Lois tries to run her hands all over Clark. He takes her hand to lead her away, but Lois pulls him into a phone booth, telling him that his modesty just makes him more adorable. Clark asks what happened to her when he left the night before. "I went home. Alone," she says sadly. She adds that Clark knows where she wanted to be, and then kisses him. Clark blinks; then his eyes flash red as the music turns serious. Clark's eyes flash again. Red-K Clark! Clark kisses Lois back. They make out in the booth as people walk by.

Clark pulls Lois into an empty office. She says that nothing screams romance like a dusty newspaper office. You know, I've never gotten my freak on in a newsroom, like some of my college journalism friends have. These days, with all the security cameras, it's just not a good idea. Clark slides stuff off the top of a desk, and says that he can do better than this. Lois asks if this isn't a little sudden. She asks why Clark likes her after just one kiss. She stops him: "This is for real, right?" Clark, devilish, says that this couldn't be more real. He kisses Lois. Lois stops him again. Girl! She suddenly realizes that she's kissed Clark before. She says it was him in the alley: "You're Green Arrow." Clark admits that he was pretending to be Green Arrow so that Lois wouldn't find out it was Oliver. "Oh my God," she says. She kills the mood by asking what it is about her and emotionally unavailable weekend warriors. No questions about Clark's powers? Clark nuzzles Lois from behind, and she says she's thankful she finally found a normal guy. Clark asks what she means; he says that Oliver's not even in the same league as Clark. Oh, har-dee-har. "League." Gah. Lois says that Clark doesn't have to be macho. Oh, don't worry. She says that she likes the dorky farmboy thing. "Dorkier than a hood and a quiver?" he asks. Touché. He gets mad, saying that just because he doesn't wear a costume or splash his face all over the newspapers.... Lois cuts him off. She says it's adorable that his signature move is driving a tractor. Lois says that it's time for her to meet the real Clark Kent. Bring some Liza DVDs and cash to get into Club Throb.

Commercials. More Oliver episodes for Sprint customers. Text "Green" to the number "7000" if you care.

Stately Luthor Manor. Servants are carrying boxes of champagne and other party-related items around. Lana walks down the hall toward her bedroom. Lex surprises her, sneaking a hug from the side, and says he has a surprise for her. Lana thought they agreed on no gifts before the engagement dinner. Yeah, now that you have access to all this money, make it a point not to spend any. Lex says that it's not exactly for the dinner. Lana opens a door. While I thought this nursery room was cute at first, on closer examination, it's pretty scary: lots of clowns, a very dangerous-looking chandelier right above the crib, precarious-looking shelves. Lex is showing Lana a full-on baby room, mostly in blue. Does that mean they know it's a boy? Lana looks nauseated. Lex, walking around the giant crib, says that he has a dilemma. He couldn't decide between stegosaurus or Mr. Duck. He holds up two blankets: one blue, the other yellow. They're both adorable as all-get-out. Lana says that's really sweet. But...Lana asks if it's not too soon. Lex says that maybe it is, but that she's perfectly healthy, according to the doctor. Lana shuts the door and says she's worried, because there are lots of people walking around. I'm sure some of them had something to do with everything in this room, Lana. She says that nobody knows about the pregnancy except Clark and Chloe. "Well, what if they did?" Lex asks. He says he was thinking they could announce it at the engagement party. Stellar, Lex. Lana doesn't think that's a great idea. She says that night should be about their engagement. Lex darkens. He says it seems like Lana is in denial, like if nobody finds out about the baby, it doesn't exist. Lana asks if Lex knows how many people are second-guessing why she's marrying him. "Am I that hard a sell?" he asks. Lana doesn't want people assuming that the baby is why they're getting married: "I went them to know that I'm with you because I love you." And Clark! Don't forget about the triangle! That cheers Lex up a bit. Oh, Lana. You've got Lex on the end of a very long whip.

Full moon over Metropolis. Lois and Clark are on a rooftop near the top of the Daily Planet building, which continues to go up toward the sky behind them. She asks what they're doing there. Clark points out Oliver's balcony. It's a tiny speck way far away. Clark stands up on the edge of the roof. Lois, scared, says that this isn't funny. Clark says that she can come up. He pulls her up there with ease. It's windy. Lois looks down. Scary! "I'd like to see Oliver do this," says Clark. He leaps, pulling Lois with him. Flying! Sorta! Lois hangs on. They pass some weird X shapes. We don't see the actual landing on the balcony, where Clark's feet would have dug right through the roof. Clark spins Lois around. She laughs. Clark asks what she said about a dorky farmboy.

Inside Oliver's pad. The flimsy glass doors open right up with no alarm. "Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound. I can't wait to see what else you can do," says Lois. Clunk. Clark says that he's also fast. But not too fast. Lois spreads herself across the wall of the secret clock compartment, and says that Clark is being very bad. She says that, the last time she was there (when she and Oliver broke up), she was with a very good friend of Clark's. "Obviously he wasn't that good," says Clark the douche. Lois pulls off Clark's jacket as they kiss. They make out against the wall. More clothing is removed. Clark loses his shirt. He says he'd better make sure Lois spelled his name right. He pulls open her blouse, showing her black corset and tit-with-tat. Clark lifts Lois up, spins her toward the lime chaise longue, and rips open the rest of her blouse. He mounts her. Before they go at it, Clark notices a piece of paper sticking out of Lois's jacket, to them. It's an invitation to the engagement party. Clark gets mad. Lois says it sounds like a real rager. Clark says that he's not surprised he wasn't invited. Lois says she RSVPed before Oliver left, but that she's got better plans for tonight. Clark decides that it's not a party until someone crashes the thing. Dramatic music. I guess Clark's not getting laid anytime soon.

Commercials. Why must we limit our search for Pussycat Dolls to just one show per week?

Chloe's office. She's doing research and has found a website called "Star's Earth Essences." Do they sell N4tur3l V14gra? Jimmy walks in. Chloe thanks him for the roses. Jimmy takes a very '70s-looking bow tie out of a box and says, "Thanks for this." Chloe shakes her head and says she doesn't know, but it seemed kind of him. Indeedy. Jimmy says that he loves it, but that it might sit on the bench until his style renaissance. I hope to live to see that day. Jimmy bitches about still being on the blacklist at the Luthor mansion. He asks if Chloe's not supposed to be on her way there in "negative two minutes." Chloe, who's wearing her skirt a bit high on the waistline, says that she'll have to push the bounds of fashionable lateness because she just got a lead on whatever "lovenip" Lois rolled into. Jimmy says Chloe just can't admit that he's a natural-born cupid. Ew. Chloe says that Lois would have to be shot out of a cannon to land anywhere near Clark's love zone. "Hmm," says Jimmy. "Sounds kinda like you're jealous." Chloe rolls her eyes: "Of Lois?" Jimmy thinks Chloe's jealous of anyone who gets between Chloe and Clark; he claims that Chloe spends all her time with Clark and then makes up excuses as to why that is. Chloe turns and sharply says that, on the list of personality traits she's learned to fall in love with, paranoia is at the bottom. Jimmy takes that as a "back off." "Yep!" Chloe tells him. Jimmy gets it. He says her name. "Pushing it," she warns. Jimmy asks a fair question: why is she bailing on her best friend's engagement party if she's not jealous of Lois and Clark? Jimmy says that Clark's a big boy. He asks how much damage Lois could do to him. Venereal or otherwise? Chloe says that Jimmy's right, adding that she's delegated before. Chloe says that she's putting her money on the "oil essence lady." She gathers her things and tells Jimmy to meet the lady in an hour. Doesn't it take three hours to get to Smallville? Or is the oil lady in Metropolis? Chloe gives Jimmy a kiss before she rushes out. "Thanks. You're my guy," she tells him. Jimmy smiles. He almost believes it.

Star's shop of smelly stuff. Jimmy enters. There are little bottles and soaps everywhere. This is the kind of place where, if you're allergic to certain smells, you walk in and your head just falls off. As Jimmy browses, Star appears in the background and asks if he's looking for a little inspiration. Did she just offer him a hummer? Jimmy says that he already has a muse. He picks up a bottle and asks if this stuff is supposed to make you blissful. "Not 'supposed to' -- it does," says Star. She's wearing a sexy apron and a band in her hair. O sexy, squinty smellsmith. Jimmy says that sounds easy: you're on the rebound, you rub on some sexy goo, and you're singing Barry White again. Don't hurt the snakes, baby. Star says that indigenous cultures have used herbal oils for centuries. They were very oily cultures. She says that we've strayed so far from nature, we think we're above it. I'm not at all above some sexy-ass oils. Baby. Jimmy dismissively says, "Nature good, greehouse gases bad, I get it." Jimmy says that they think Star dosed Lois the night before with love potion. "Tall, loud, down on love?" she asks. Also: annoying, chesty, abrasive, listens to Whitesnake. Jimmy asks if Star has any anti-love exfoliate or something to take the Vaseline off the lens, so to speak. It's always assumed on this show that outsiders will know exactly what the hell these characters are talking about. How rarely does that actually work out in real life, when people talk in pop-culture references and snark-speak? Star squints intensely behind her and finds a vial that will counteract the aphrodisiac. It's a familiar tube of glowing green liquid. Yeah, this might not end well. Star says that she usually has a sixth sense about people. She hands Jimmy the vial. Squintily. Star: "Something tells me Lois and Clark's destinies are a little more entwined than they realize." Good memory, Star; she remembered the name Lois said the night before. Jimmy licks his lips. If things don't work out with Chloe, might I suggest hitching your star to...uh...Star?

The big engagement party. I gotta take a deep breath before this one. (INHALE.) (EXHALE.) (PEE BREAK.) All right. Let's do this thing. The party's at the mansion, and it's pretty fancy. There are white drapes on the ceiling above beautiful chandeliers (borrowed from the baby's room?) atop a very, very long table. You know, we did ours at The Brick Oven, and I bet our food was tastier. You really can't beat brick oven lasagna. Waiters serve a very fancy feast to the Lex and Lana's guests, very few of whom we'd recognize. We don't see Nasty Nell or even Papa Luthor. Very fancy chocolate cups with strawberries are served. Chloe sits to Lana. MamaKent, across the table, beams at Lana. Lex, at the opposite end of the table, gives Lana a pleased look. Why aren't they sitting together? They should have dinners like this, with the bride and groom completely apart, for when you're getting a divorce. Lex clinks his glass, stands, and asks for everyone's attention. He thanks everyone for coming, saying that a few of them have probably placed bets on whether he'd settle down. He says that this couldn't be further from settling. Oh really? It's not settling? Marrying the first girl from a tiny town in Kansas who doesn't try to kill you or steal all your money? Who was dating your best friend? Who doesn't have a job, any real skills or much of a personality? That's not settling, Lex? Because I'm having a hard time defining that word now that you've blown it out of the dictionary. Lex raises a glass and toasts Lana for making him happier than he ever thought he could be. All these older strangers, none of whom we know, raise their glasses. Lana raises hers. Is that sparkling cider? You know, it's all right for a pregnant woman to have a small sip of wine, or even a glass. But we don't even get to talk about that...

...because just then, Clark and Lois burst into the room. Security! Oh, what's the use? Clark is wearing his "Cool Rider" black leather jacket. Lois, in shiny leather, with a black neck scarf, is a Pink Lady gone bad. Clark says it looks like they missed dinner. "Clark," says Lex. "What are you doing here?" I was going to ask why Papa Luthor and Nell aren't there. Clark says that he wouldn't have missed this. Lana wisely puts down her drink. Lex's mouth twitches. Clark goes straight for his mom. He says that his own mother would rather raise a glass with the enemy than stand by her son. Cold-blooded! "Clark," MamaKent says heavily, not bothering to get up and try to escort him out of the room, "you're not yourself." Clark says that it's all right: "You're more a Luthor than a Kent these days anyway." Clark leans forward on the table to needle that Bo's only been dead a year; he asks who can blame MamaKent for joining the race with Lana to see who can have "Luthor" monogrammed to her name first. MamaKent shakes her head a tiny bit. Lana tells Lex that Clark is obviously on something and is looking for a reaction; she asks Lex not to react. Lex just gives Clark a dirty look. Nobody else here knows what the hell Clark is talking about. Clark scoots over to turn his attention to Chloe: he says he's not surprised to see Chloe celebrating there; her years of unrequited pining may finally pay off for Chloe now that Lana's off the market. Clark leans in to Chloe's left ear and whispers, "I can't say I haven't thought about it." Lois gives Clark a distressed look. "And you," says Clark, saving the worst for Lana. He circles the table as he says that if Lana were going to rebound, why not choose the person he hates the most? Clark says that the joke's over by now. Lex says that Clark has done enough damage, and asks Clark to leave. "I am not done yet!" Clark screams. Lana half-closes her eyes to signify rage. Clark goes to Lex and says that he hasn't given him a gift yet. He picks up Lex's glass of champagne and walks past him, congratulating Lex for sealing the deal. Clark throws a baby rattle at Lex. Lex, off-guard, catches it. "To baby Luthor," says Clark, raising his glass. There are murmurs of surprise from those gathered. "The real reason that Lana's marrying you," Clark adds, making sure to burn every bridge with plenty of tinder. Lex dives at Clark, but Clark easily spins Lex onto a champagne glass fountain. It, predictably, crashes. Lana goes to Lex. He's unhurt. "How dare you!" says Lana, approaching Clark. He grabs her by the arm and says that if no one else in the room is going to save her from Lex, he will. He pulls Lana to the door. Lois stands in front of Clark, trying to stop them: "I don't think so. Lana is your past. I'm your future." Clark says that this is the present. Lois loses her smile. Clark walks past her, dragging Lana along by the arm. They exit. Lex is...well, understandably upset.

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We return right back to the scene of the throwdown. Lois sits, eating a chocolate dessert. She crashed the party and they still let her stay and eat? She looks sad. You gotta give it up for her. Even with Red K, she still can't get her man. MamaKent tells Chloe, standing nearby, that Clark is acting like he's been exposed to red Kryptonite. Chloe says that it's no coincidence that Lois went "hopelessly devoted" at the same time. See? She's a Pink Lady gone bad! Chloe gets a message from Jimmy on her phone, and says that they've found the culprit. She hands MamaKent a napkin with a big lipstick stain on it, explaining that Lois was hit with an aphrodisiac. MamaKent doesn't know how that would have affected Clark. Chloe says that the ruby-red sheen didn't come from crushed cranberries. MamaKent accepts, a little too quickly, that her son was wearing lipstick. MamaKent says that when Clark left Lois, he should have been fine. Chloe says that Lois's kisses must have been more than skin deep: she thinks the red Kryptonite is in Clark's system. Lois, still at the table and now sputtering, says, "He wasn't good enough for me anyway." For once, I'd agree. Lois grabs another dessert off the table and digs in as MamaKent heads out to try to find Clark before Lex does...

...and Jimmy walks in. They let him into the mansion? What the fuck is up with this security team? Seriously. Somebody should have taken Jimmy out with a bullet to the damn forehead. Not to rub salt in the wound, but do you really expect ever to get an Emmy nomination when you don't even take your own show seriously, people? ...Where were we? Oh yeah: Jimmy walks in holding the vial from Star's shop. He calls it "mugwort," and says that it's a delegating success story. Unlike this show. Jimmy says that once this substance hits Lois's skin, her pumpkin ride will be over. Lois complains about Lana: "What does she have that I don't?" Let's see...contract with the devil? Check. Preternatural good looks? Got it. She's about nine years younger? Less abrasive than a Brillo pad? Lois licks her finger. "It's so weird to see her acting like a girl," Jimmy says. Oh, dude, please don't try to pick a fight with girls like that. Chloe walks hesitantly toward Lois and holds out the green vial. Conveniently, it has a spray nozzle. Lois asks what it is. Chloe says it's to help break the infatuation spell; she says it's time to get those glass slippers back. Lois slaps Chloe's hand away, sending the vial rolling across the table. "You know what? Stop making fun of my feelings!" Lois yells, shoving Chloe. Chloe falls on the floor, hard. Jimmy, sensing danger, decides to not help Chloe up, but instead dives to catch the vial. Strangely, it's the correct instinct. He catches it in mid-air. Lois, hovering over Chloe, tells her that just because Chloe never got Clark is no reason to take it out on Lois. Jimmy sprays Lois, right in the face. The green mist takes some of the bright shine off her lipstick. Lois looks around and says, "Uh..." She says that this is awkward: "Please tell me I was going to a costume party." I have a very strange pang of pity for Lois at this moment, which would seem to go against the name of this site. Luckily, it doesn't last. Chloe and Jimmy exchange smiles. It's a bit creepy, given the circumstances.

The Barnness of Beatingadeadhorseitude. A comet flies across the sky, and somehow we've gone from a full moon to a sliver in the same night. Clark is still dragging Lana by the arm up the stairs to the loft. She complains that Clark humiliated her in front of her friends. Did he drive her to the barn? With his truck? That he drove from Metropolis? With Lois? Clark says that Lana didn't know any of those people at the party. Lana, standing near the window, asks what Clark wants from her. He yells that it's what he's always wanted: for her to be happy. Nice one, Clark. Lana says that she'd love that, but that every time she gets close, Clark rips it away from her. Clark tells Lana that she'd never be satisfied with Lex: "You can't marry him." Lana insists that she's already made up her mind. "Even though you're still in love with me?" Clark asks. Are we really still on this shit? Did I wake up back in Season 3? Good lordy, people. If we're tired of this, imagine how these actors must feel. They've probably already bought their plane tickets and rented moving vans for the day Season 7 wraps. Lana turns and heavily says, "What makes you so sure?" Clark says it's because he's still in love with her. He leans in to kiss Lana. She takes a surprised breath as Clark forces a kiss on her. Just as quickly, she gives in and kisses back. She puts her hands on Clark's shoulders, and we get a tight shot of her engagement ring. They kiss long enough for us to go to a wider shot; Lana is shaky as the kiss breaks. "Don't marry Lex. Marry me," says Clark. Lana gets mad and pushes Clark away. She cries as she says she's given Clark every chance: "I've stood in this spot so many times!" Girl, we know. Damn, do we know. Lana sniffs, tears in her eyes. "You don't love me, Clark. You just can't stand the idea that I love someone else."

Lex calls Lana's name from downstairs. Clark's superhearing didn't pick up on Lex's car driving up? Lex, downstairs, calls again. Lana answers and rushes down the stairs to meet him. They hug. Clark, up in the loft, says that Lana should tell Lex that she wants to be with him. "Don't listen to him. He's on something," Lana tells Lex. Does she really believe that it's just drugs? Clark says that it didn't seem to bother her when she was kissing him two minutes ago. Lex takes a moment with that, and then steps forward. He asks what Clark thinks will happen now. "Exactly what you're afraid of," Clark answers. Lana says that she's not a competition. Because what would be the prize? More Lana? Yeesh. Clark comes down the stairs, all cocky. He says that Lex has always wanted everything Clark has, and Lana was at the top of that list. Clark says that Lex just wants a trophy, and that Lex is just a consolation prize for Lana. Which discounts that the two of them might be a lot happier if Clark wasn't around, but whatever. "Now, tell me you don't love me," Clark says, but he says it looking right at Lex, creating a very unexpected Gayest Look of the Episode! Way to pull one out of the fire, Clark! Lana doesn't answer. Lex looks unsure. Clark steps forward, repeating the question. Lex busts out a gun, pointed at Clark. He tells Clark to stay way from her. "You don't want to do that," Clark says. "You can't win. You don't even know the rules of the game." Clark pushes the gun away, pushes Lex through a set of breakaway boards, and pins Lex to a wall. Lana tries to pull Clark off as Clark chokes Lex. He's Chokey McGee! Clark says that if he had known who Lex would turn out to be, he'd never have saved him on that bridge. "Clark, you're killing him!" Lana yells. She keeps trying to pull at Clark. He gives her a dirty look. While Clark is distracted, Lex digs in a nearby toolbox and pulls out a huge screwdriver, stabbing Clark with it. Clark suddenly grunts and falls. The screwdriver falls to the floor. Standing behind Clark is MamaKent, one hand behind her back. She stays in place, telling Lana to let MamaKent handle this. She asks Lex and Lana to leave. Lana looks to the floor and sees the screwdriver. Its tip is all bent and mangled. She leads Lex away. Clark gasps and looks up at MamaKent. She's holding a glowing green rock in a lead box, but closes the lid as she bends down and holds Clark's head. He's sweaty and shaken. She asks if he's all right. Clark just breathes quickly, gasping for air. Dramatic flourish on the soundtrack.

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Kent Farm. For this episode, at least, the cows have completely lost interest. We pan across some leaves to the open window of the barn loft. Clark, who has traded his black clothes for his usual blue flannel, stands with his arms crossed. Clark tells MamaKent, who is standing to him, that if she hadn't shown up, he's not sure what he would have done to Lex. Decapitation! Clark asks how she knew what to do. She says that the last time he had Kryptonite in his system, he had to sweat it out. She says that weakening Clark seemed to be their only chance. That must be one of the unwritten rules of the show. Clark can't believe what he did. MamaKent can. Clark thinks she's mad, but MamaKent says that Clark's been bottling up his feelings for years. She says that he's based all his decisions on what's best for everyone else, not for himself. Clark is horrified that MamaKent thinks he meant what he said about her, and about Chloe. MamaKent says that there was a grain of truth in all of it. She says that every time Clark's been infected by Red K, it hasn't changed him; it just stripped his inhibitions. So Clark's secret desire is to rob ATMs? She says that Clark needs to be more honest about how he feels. Clark, disgustedly, asks if MamaKent's saying that Clark wants to kiss Lois, and keep Chloe in his back pocket while he's in love with Lana. That sounds about right. MamaKent shakes her head and says that only Clark can sort all that out. He's got just over a season to do it. Clark says that when he kissed Lana, he could tell she felt something. Clark, eager, says that he can't let Lana marry Lex. MamaKent rolls her eyes. She says that this'll be hard to hear, but that Clark should just leave Lana alone. Smartest woman on the show.

Lois -- calling, "Girl alert!" -- comes up the stairs. She jokes that she's not sure what she'll find in a grown man's clubhouse. When she sees MamaKent, she apologizes for interrupting. MamaKent gives Lois a tender arm squeeze as she passes. Clark greets Lois. Uncomfortable silence. Lois says that she talked to Chloe and got filled in on "Lois Gone Wild." She says that she's missing a few details about her and Clark. "Like this," she says, pulling her yellow jacket aside to show her breast tattoo. Clark folds his arms. "Wow, Lois, I had no idea," he underplays. Lois says that she was obviously on something (she doesn't know about the red Kryptonite?), but thanks God that the ink wears off in a week. If she was so in love, why would she get a temporary? Long pauses. Lois says it's best that she and Clark don't remember anything; she says that she can't really picture the two of them. Clark gives Lois a funny look. Lois wonders if they...did it. Clark needles Lois to finish her thought, and laughs. "No, Lois," he says, "I think I'd remember." "Of course you would," she says. "Highlight of your life." Lois scoffs and walks off. Clark stops her, saying that he did find something: he opens a drawer and reveals the CD she made. Dun-dun-DUN! Lois reacts in stunned horror. "Whitesnake," she says. "Wow. I must have really liked you." Yeah you did.

Daily Planet. Jimmy gets out of an elevator, and Chloe comes after him, telling him to chalk up another victory for the "JChlo" team. Yuck. She says that, thanks to him, Lois is back to her heartbroken, abrasive self. Jimmy is happy to have helped. Sorta. Chloe says that Clark is back to being Clark. Jimmy says that Chloe's brushing a landfill under a rug. Chloe says that Clark may have taken the jealousy thing past the drunk-dialing stage, but that you can't arrest him for it. I actually think you could. Jimmy's mad that Clark crashed a party and revealed Lana's pregnancy. Jimmy also mentions kidnapping. Chloe says that Clark is beating himself up over it. Jimmy wants Chloe to admit that Clark royally screwed up. Chloe says that Jimmy doesn't know Clark the way she does. Jimmy says that she reminds him of that every day. He says that if he did the things that Clark has done, Chloe would never forgive him. Chloe asks if that means she's lying. Jimmy, tears forming in his eyes, asks if Chloe wouldn't rather be with Clark, given the choice. Chloe doesn't answer right away. "Of course not," she finally answers. "You're my guy." Jimmy is heartbroken. Chloe says that now he doesn't believe her, and she doesn't know what else to say. Jimmy says, "Well, I think that's the point. Neither of us do [sic]." Chloe starts to shake her head. Jimmy suggests that they take a break. Chloe doesn't have a good answer for that. Jimmy, crying, walks away. Chloe blinks. She starts to almost-cry herself. Sad music. Breakups suck on Valentine's Day.

Stately Luthor Manor, nighttime. Lana is in her bedroom, rolling down a sleeve on her strange black pajamas. Lana's doctor is putting up his medicine bag. He says that she's fine and has nothing to worry about. Lex, standing on the other side of the room, thanks the doctor and says he just wanted to make sure she was okay after everything that's happened. The doctor nods weirdly and leaves the room. Lana tells Lex she's sorry about the night before. And about Clark. Lex says that what they have has nothing to do with Clark: "But then, I wasn't the one kissing him." He's so jealous he wasn't kissing Clark. Save it for the bachelor party, buddy. Lana snarks that she wasn't the one holding a gun to Clark's head. Lex says it's funny that Clark called this a game. Lana asks if Lex was going to shoot him. "If I had to," he says. "To save me or to hurt him?" asks Lana. Can't it be both? Lex says that, considering what Clark did to her, Lex had every right to go after Clark. Lex says that he can't blame Clark, though. He says that if he ever let Lana slip through his fingers, he has no idea what he'd be capable of. He leans in close, but they don't kiss. Was that a threat?

Hallway. Lex walks out to where the doctor is still waiting. The camera moves ominously to the medical bag. "How is she, really?" Lex asks the doctor. He says that this isn't the most typical pregnancy, but that everything is on schedule. Lex looks afraid. Freaky-baby!

Back in Lana's bedroom, she sneakily sits at her round mirror. She opens a drawer. Removes a red silk napkin. Lana, shaking, reveals the big screwdriver with the bent tip. I'm just glad it's not part of a spaceship she was hiding. We go to black.

week: Lana goes hunting for thecrets and lieth.