Clark is hanging out in the barn with his dog Shelby (Shelby's back! Call off the rescue team!) when he hears a weird noise. He goes to investigate, and something knocks him on his ass. The thing he knows, he's in a mental institution with his powers gone and everyone around him convinced that he's delusional about everything we've had to suffer through for the last six years or so. A kindly doctor tries to convince Clark that he's been delusional since his freshman year of high school, and that this whole superhero thing was a construct of his mind, made up using details from the facility (like a Dr. Milton Fine, a book called Fortress Of Solitude, an employee of the month named Oliver Queen -- that sort of thing). Clark is like, "Fuck that noise!," and escapes from the place. Interestingly, there's an actual persistent noise throughout, as if David Lynch were manning the sound controls. Clark finds out on the outside that his mom has married Papa Luthor (score!), and that Lana has been in love with him since they were little and isn't with Lex anymore. Chloe is a little nutty, and was institutionalized with him. Also, Lex lost his legs in that bridge accident and hates Clark. Things go awry when the dudes sent to round up Clark shoot Chloe and kill her. Clark is taken back to the institution, where a mysterious dude who claims to be from Mars tells him to resist the treatment and kill the doctor, who is actually a phantom. It turns out, says the Martian, that a Zoner has gotten into Clark's brain and if he doesn't fight back, he'll lose that tiny thing forever. Clark almost decides to give in and live a quiet, lame life with Lana, but at the last moment realizes Lana was imaginary and that the doctor really is a monster. Clark fights and finds himself back at the barn, no worse for wear and with his powers back. His new pal Martian Manhunter is there waiting, but doesn't stick around because he's too cool to be hanging out here. Clark tells Chloe, who just showed up, that this must mean he's still in love with Lana. Clark then sees Lana at the Talon, and tells her a tiny bit about his dream. Then Lex walks in and it's awk-ward! Really, Clark and Lana again? That's where you're taking the show, guys? I'd complain, but that part of my brain is closed for remodeling and I'm just gonna sit here, numb and smiling.
Well, they can't all be episodes about a collection of superheroes coming together to kick some ass in unison, can they?
It's dusk at the Kent Farm, and the cows are all watching Desperate Housewives. Clark, inside the barn, is mounting a wheel on a piece of farm equipment. The loud metallic squeak sends shivers up my spine. Clark turns the wheel and seems awfully pleased with the sound design. "There we go!" he says, stopping the wheel. He asks Shelby -- who is miraculously still alive and lying down nearby -- if they should call it a night. Shelby hasn't been seen in months, and Clark wants him to go back to sleep? Shelby raises his head. Clark tells Shelby that Shelby's friend Chloe is going to be there any minute. Clark turns off a light and thanks the dog for the help. Shelby's not thrilled, though. He barks. Loudly. And growls. Clark follows Shelby upstairs as the dog continues to bark. "What, boy, you see something I don't?" Clark asks. Shelby growls again. Something comes at Clark quickly in the dark. He falls over the rail and lands on the ground level of the barn, flat on his back. Dust flies.
Clark wakes up in a well-lit room. Somebody is calling his name. "Earth to superfreak?" someone says, as we're zoomed in on Clark's waking face. We cut to two goofy-looking dudes. An older gent stands between them, staring down at us as we see them from Clark's point of view. They giggle. The older gent -- who looks, from this angle, a bit like George Carlin in professor mode -- holds out his hands and asks the guys to sit down. Clark stands. We get a wide shot of what instantly looks like a mental ward, with everybody except the professor in white patient duds. A group of people sit in a circle of chairs around Clark. "Are you still with us, Clark?" the doctor asks. Clark looks around at what seem to be his fellow patients. One of them is wearing a bathrobe over his whites, and gives Clark an impatient look. Clark asks what's going on. Dr. British Accent says that Clark was telling them he was in the barn with his dog when he heard something: "And then you left us for a bit." Clark is confused, which is not surprising. He looks around, and the camera swivels toward the patients. The large, sunlit room is the same one Chloe visited to see her mom a while back. Clark asks how he got here. "So what attacked you?" asks a larger patient, a redheaded Harry Knowles-in-training. "Was it a KryptoFreak again?" Everybody cracks up. A Bill Gates-as-a-teen-looking patient says that it must have been a spirit from the Phantom Zone, needling, "Right, Kal-El?" Clark asks how the guy knows his name. "Because you never shut up about it!" snaps Li'l Bill Gates. "Oh great son of Jor-El!" Dr. Accent tells everyone to settle down. Clark holds out a hand and tells Dr. Accent to back off. Back off, man! Clark is gonna tell everybody they coveted his ice cream bar (which he's had since he was a child) and bust out with a toothbrush, yelling, "Don't make me use this!" Clark asks the doctor, "Who are you?" He says he's Dr. (British Accent) Hudson. Hey, are you related to Ernie? Because I loved him in Ghostbusters. Two orderlies wearing ice cream man outfits (complete with black bow ties) approach. They are burly. Clark says that he doesn't want to hurt anyone. Li'l Harry Knowles tells Clark to use his superspeed to run away, and laughs heartily at his own cruelty. Everybody laughs. Dr. Accent doesn't do much to stop them. This can't be healthy. Clark tries to karate-chop one of the orderlies on the chest, but it barely taps him. The guy grabs Clark's arm and twists. Clark's eyes go, "YEEEOW! You dick!," and he screams. The orderlies grab Clark and start taking him away. "Why are you doing this to me?" he asks. "What do you want? What's happening? LET ME GOOOO!" Clark continues asking why he's there, finally just screaming as they take him behind a secure door and drag him down the hall. "TAKE ME TO MY TRAILER!!! I was in The Fog, you asshooooles!"
Opening credits. Have you noticed how many commercials lately are set in boring offices?
Same scene, continued. Clark is now in a cell, and he's got his hands on the metal grating, yelling that he doesn't belong there. He's a creep. He's a weirdo. Outside Clark's cell, random scruffy patients wander around. "I'm not crazy!" Clark mutters to himself. "Gah!" There's a little tiny bed in the room that doesn't look like it would hold tall Clark at all. An orderly/guard in the hall tells Clark to back away from the door. It opens. Clark dives for the exit, but the orderly easily holds him back, and Clark lands on the floor. Unwisely, the doctor comes right in. I hope they had enough money in the tweed budget for this guy's costume. Clark asks how he got here. "Think," Dr. Accent says. Hey, doc? You don't know Clark very well, do you? Dr. Accent seems to think that Clark knows how he got to this point. But why don't you tell us yourself, just for convenience? The camera zooms in on Clark's face as he says that something attacked him; he dramatically asks, "Is this 33.1?" No, it's 45 rpm and you're jammin' to the oldies! The doctor looks frustrated.
Clark looks out through the door and mutters, "It's Lex. He's always wanted to get me under his microscope." Oh really? What's does his scope look like? ["I didn't think there was anything 'micro' about it, either." -- Wing Chun] The doctor says that Lex is part of the fantasy world Clark has created. Indeed. Do go on. The doctor says that Clark experienced a psychotic break. Damn, those happen quite a lot around here. Clark thinks the doc wants him to think he's crazy. "I would prefer not to use pejoratives," says the doctor, "you crazy-ass nutbar deluxe." The doc levels the diagnosis on Clark: he's got paranoid schizophrenia, and has had it for a number of years. Thundering booms beef up the soundtrack. "After the death of your birth parents in the Smallville meteor shower..." the doctor begins. Clark says that his parents were out of town for the meteor shower. The doc says that Clark was placed in the wonderful adoptive home of the Kents, where he would be bathed in love and platitudes, and given all the unpasteurized milk he could drink. The doc says that Clark created a fantasy world to deal with the trauma. Another planet. Special powers. Saving the world. It was pretty fucked up, man. Clark says that this isn't going to work. Not this trickery, you fiend. Dr. Accent says that the fantasy world wasn't such a big deal until Clark was a freshman in high school, and slipped into that world permanently. "If you're gonna play mind games, you gotta try harder," Clark tells him. Yeah, you got to get up pretty early to put a mind game over on Clark! Set your alarm! 10:30 AM, man! The doctor says that this isn't a game; Clark is sick and getting worse. The doc says the good news is that he's developed a new treatment that will cure Clark. Oh, well that sounds great, doc, just -- WHAAA!?! That sounds easy! Clark tells the doc to warn Lex that he's not buying it. "Lex is not your nemesis," Dr. Accent tells him. Lex is your nemesex! Dr. Accent says that 33.1 doesn't exist. He adds that, for the past five and a half years, Clark's been a resident of the Fairview Psychiatric Hospital. Also, they think he might be gay. No cure for that, sorry. As the camera slowly rolls in, the doc says that everything about Clark -- his alien lineage, his secret identity, his penchant for lavender-scented bath oils -- is a delusion. Nooooo! Wait...yes! That sounds perfectly plausible. And I've been recapping all these delusions for nothing. DAMMIT! Now I gotta give all this mad cash back. How much is a flight to South America, ya think? The doctor walks away on that dramatic note, knocking on the door to be let out. No "shave an a haircut"? The doctor exits. Funky booming noises play as we transition to the scene.
Clark wanders past a Ping-Pong table. Li'l Bill Gates tells Li'l Harry Knowles to stop licking the ball, because that's cheating. Hey, I've always heard that eatin' ain't cheatin'. A woman's voice says it's time for medication. I'll have two, please. Clark goes to a window and is depressed that there are bars preventing him from leaping out and cutting himself up into little strips. One of the burly orderlies tells the patients getting in line for meds to "keep on movin', keep on movin'." You can't slight him, since he used to sing backup for Soul II Soul. The orderly tells Clark to hurry his ass up. We cut to a nurse telling a patient not to hide a pill under his tongue. "Swallow it," she says, and it's unsexy as hell. Clark hears a voice behind him say, "You're not crazy, Kal-El." The camera turns to reveal a dashing black man who already looks like the sanest person here. He says that they don't have much time: "I believe you're from another planet." All of a sudden, he doesn't seem so believable anymore. Clark asks what makes him say that. Dude says he's not from there, either. Get this: he's from Mars. Veronica Mars? Welcome to the show! "You can't trust anyone," says the Martian, and then grunts, as if to prove his point, as he gets stabbed in the neck with a needle gun. "Hey!" Clark tells the orderlies, who are already carrying Clark's new Martian friend away. "Don't even think about it," one of them tells Clark. Don't worry. He won't. Patient Martian is carried away. Clark notices a custodian nearby use a set of keys to open a door. We cut to the inside of that room. Clark enters and punches the custodian right in the face.
Clark, wearing the custodian's duds and cap, is now pushing the cleaning cart down a hall. He walks past two workers in bow ties who don't recognize him at all. Clark walks right past an Exit sign. Then he's outside the building. Clark throws his cap away as if sweet freedom has somehow made him suddenly invisible. He runs. Mama, I'm comin' home!
The Barnness of Hallucinatude. "Mom! Mom!" Clark calls as he runs up to the loft. What would his mom be doing up in the loft by herself? Instead, Lana is there. She's in a room with frilly lamps and furniture, wearing a dress that looks a bit like a cheerleader's outfit. "Clark, you're home!" she says, running to him. She can't believe it. It's not like she was just sitting there waiting for Clark to arrive because she has no life, personality, or interests. They hug, and Clark closes his eyes in pleasure. He asks what she's doing there. Then he notices the furniture. He asks what all her things are doing in the loft. "This is my home now," she says. Enjoy the cold winter and lack of insulation. Lana tells him that after his dad passed away, she and Nell bought the farm. As in literally "bought the farm," not that they died together. Lana says that not everything has changed. She points to Clark's telescope, which is still pointed up at attention. She says that Clark once told her that looking through it brought him closer to her. Wow, two stalkers. They're made for each other. She says that having the telescope there makes her feel like Clark is always with her. That's a little...wrong. Clark says that this is all strange. Lana agrees that this must be hard for him, adding that a lot's changed. Luckily, Lana says, none of that matters anymore. She says that, freshman year, Clark promised that they'd never be apart. Clark says that they weren't together then; she was with Whitney. "The football jock?" she asks. She remembers Jocko!? Lana says that there's one person she's ever been in love with and it's Clark. Small-town tragedy, that. Lana says she knows Clark suffered mild amnesia after the treatment. "What treatment?" he asks. He says he didn't have it. Lana's confused: she thought Clark was released from the hospital. Suddenly in fugitive mode, Clark looks around and says, "I wasn't released. I escaped!" He says that Lex put him in that hellhole. Lana thinks that Clark's got it wrong. Clark says he doesn't care that Lana and Lex are engaged, and snaps, "Stop protecting him!" Lana, scared, says she doesn't know Lex Luthor. She moves to call the hospital. Clark now thinks Lana's lying and that she's in on it, stalling until they show up. Lana tells Clark to stop. "What did Lex do to my mother?" Clark demands. "Where is she!?" Lana, tearful, says that she's probably at the mansion: "The Luthor mansion." Clark takes off. At normal speed. We hear gurgling and murky barking. "Clark!" Lana calls.
Commercials. A Mac commercial features the PC guy wearing a white smock and getting ready for surgery, so it's kind of a nice transition from the episode.
More murky barking noises as Clark rushes in through the double doors of the Lair of Lex. What, no establishing shot? I wanted to say "Stately Luthor Manor." MamaKent, wearing a smart white business suit, turns. Clark is glad she's all right. MamaKent holds her diaphragm and says she's been a wreck all day: everyone at the hospital's been worried about Clark. She says that they called Papa Luthor as soon as Clark disappeared. Clark digests that for a moment, and then decides Papa must be in on this whole debacle as well: "He must have told Lex the truth about me." MamaKent tells him to calm down. Clark tells MamaKent that they put him in an asylum and took away his powers. "No, sweetheart," MamaKent tells him sadly. She says that everything will be all right. As soon as they drug him up and saw his brain open a bit. Clark says that they have to get MamaKent out of here, away from Papa Luthor. Oh, yeah...about that...MamaKent says that she and Papa Luthor are married now. Damn, and I didn't get an invite to the wedding!? Murky barking in the sound mix. MamaKent says that she was going to tell Clark, but she was afraid of how he'd react. Her own son didn't get invited? Now I don't feel so bad. "How could you?" Clark asks. MamaKent says that Papa Luthor is a good, decent man. Also, he's magnificent and hung like a Kentucky Derby winner. MamaKent says that Papa has been able to get Clark better treatment than she could ever afford. She insists that the treatment from Dr. Accent will cure Clark, and cries, "Please! I just want my son back!" Clark wants MamaKent to come with him. He grabs her, and her purse falls. Spilling out is a bottle of pills, with a label that reads, "Mrs. Martha Luthor, 100 Sayour Rd., Smallville, Kansas, . ADALEFLINE." "They're drugging you, too," says Clark. Well, that medication doesn't actually exist, but maybe it's for hemorrhoids or something else. MamaKent says that those are her allergy pills. My wife and I tried to figure this one out (she's a pharmacist), and the only thing I could make out was that maybe it was a sly attempt at "A Dale F. line." But there's no writer by that name on the show. MamaKent backs away and pushes a button on a nearby phone, triggering a very annoying alarm. She tells Clark that he needs help. Clark grabs her roughly by the arms and says she doesn't know what's going on. "You're coming with me," he says. MamaKent yelps, "No!" twice as the guards rush in. They grab Clark as MamaKent begs them not to hurt Clark. Clark fights the guards, knocking over nice vases. One vase is left, and it's enough for Clark to grab and smash on a dude's head, knocking him out. MamaKent just gasps and watches Clark with undisguised anguish. One of the guards starts to get up. He's holding a gun. Clark runs out of the room. It looks a lot funnier when he does it at normal speed.
The snowy grounds outside. If Clark had to run at normal speed all the time, this show would have to be two hours long every week. A guard chases Clark, and fires a shot into the air, yelling, "Stop!" Clark finally does so. Pointing the gun at Clark, the guard tells Clark to put his hands behind him. Just then, a blue car drives up and swerves around. Clark takes the opportunity to overpower the guard and punch him out. The passenger door of the nearby car opens. Clark looks behind him. Murky barks. Two more guards in suits are running toward Clark. Clark gets into the car. Chloe is in the driver's seat; she smiles at Clark and takes off. Ten minutes later, one of the guards decides to fire his gun. Little late there, buddy. But at least you got your shoes all wet.
In the back alley behind The Talon, Chloe's car skids to a stop after driving at a quick clip. As they get out, Clark asks Chloe how she found him. She says she's been in "GPS mode" ever since her contact IMed her about the breakout that morning. Yeah, that didn't really answer the question, but it did use a few acronyms. As Chloe digs in the trunk of her funky little blue car, Clark says that he can't stay, and that he doesn't want to involve Chloe. She says that she's already involved: her life's been turned upside-down by the Luthors, and she's also under the radar. She says that the Luthors are after both of them. Maybe the Luthors are after their Lucky Charms! Chloe tells Clark not to ditch his sidekick until he gets his powers back. Clark says that he's glad to see Chloe; he was beginning to think he might be crazy. "Chin up, Clark," Chloe advises. She says that once they get this story on the front page, both Luthors will be wearing matching orange jumpsuits. Maybe even in jail! Clark says that he has to go see Lex. Chloe asks why he's going to jump back into the devil's lair, adding that Lex is more dangerous than ever. Clark thinks that's all the more reason to stop him now. Chloe thinks Clark will get hurt without his powers. Clark is unconvinced. Chloe says that since Clark's superspeed is out of gas, she has a way to help: "You can take my Yaris." Ew. Maybe Clark would prefer to walk in the snow. Chloe tells Clark to be careful. With the Yaris. It might not make it all the way across town. Clark goes out with the half-smile.
The Metropolis office that used to belong to Papa Luthor. Lex is behind the desk now. Clark strides right in, asking, "Surprised to see me?" Not really, since they should have a security team and cameras all over the building and Clark can't just superspeed past all that. But, sure, why not? Surprise! Lex says that Papa told him Clark was out; he just never thought Clark would have the nerve to show his face. Well, here it is. Pretty, isn't it? Clark says that Lex may have taken his powers, but that he won't let the dude ruin his life. Holding a drink, Lex says, "Your...life," and chuckles bitterly. He says that Clark must have that backward, asking if Clark forget about their little run-in on the Loeb Bridge. "When you save someone's life, you tend to remember," Clark says smugly. Really? They don't all blur together sometimes? Lex, pissed off, puts down his drink: "You really think you saved me?" He offers to refresh Clark's memory. Lex, in a wheelchair, wheels himself around the desk: his legs are gone from the knees down. The upshot is that now Lyla Garrity has a crush on Lex. Funky barking noises are heard. Clark takes a few moments to process this, because his mind has just been blown. It doesn't take much. "I have to spend the rest of my life in this chair because of you," says Lex. Clark says that this isn't possible: he was there. Lex says that Clark was the cause of the accident. Clark saw Lex swerving, so Clark jumped in front of Lex's car intending to stop it with his superpowers. When Lex jerked the wheel, his Porsche went end-over-end and wrapped itself around the guardrail. Rough barking murkiness. Clark says it's not possible. Lex says that if it were up to him, Clark would be rotting in jail, but Papa Luthor wanted Clark to go to a mental health facility instead, to impress MamaKent with his kindness. Clark, foregoing sensitivity, points and says, "This is a trick. It's a trick!" Good one, Clark. Lex, angry beyond belief, says, "Really? Open your eyes, you crazy son of a bitch!" Some spittle flies. Lex jerks his wheelchair forward. Clark is stunned. "Does this look like a trick to you!?" Lex yells. He looks at Clark, angry and wounded. Then he looks down, near tears. Worst unannounced visit ever. Lex says that if there's one thing he regrets, it's that he didn't run Clark over. That would have made for a very short first season. More crazy noises. We go to commercials. It's actually at a very dramatic moment this time.
The Yaris! It fights weird animated bugs and plays techno music. Get one if this sounds like the car you should be driving. Also? Oh Jesus Christ, Norbit is coming. Help us.
A door opens. There's paper crap all over the floor. Clark is in a darkened building. There's furniture standing around, covered in plastic. Clark wanders around trying to make sense of his surroundings: it's the remains of The Talon. Lana walks in, saying she knew Clark would come here to see Chloe. "What happened to the coffeehouse?" Clark asks. Lana says that The Talon has been an abandoned movie theater for as long as she can remember. Clark says that this can't be real. There are coffeehouses everywhere! Why not here? Clark asks Lana if it's true that he caused Lex's accident. Lana, not wanting to give a straight answer, says that's all in the past. She asks Clark to come back to the farm with her: "We can get through this." Maybe if you run away to South America. Clark repeats that none of this makes sense: he and Lana aren't together anymore. Lana, creepily putting on a little-girl voice, says that they've been together since kindergarten. She walks to Clark holding out a ring, saying it might help him to remember. She says it's from the gumball machine at Quinn's Market; Clark gave it to her when they were ten years old, saying it was their wedding ring: "And when you put it on my finger and kissed me for the first time, that's when you stole my heart." Clark shakes his head, saying that he doesn't remember. Wow, even in a crazy alien-induced hallucination, this show is still all about Lana. Lana says that Clark suffered so much in the hospital. She said she could see it in his eyes when she visited every weekend, but she never gave up hope that Clark would get better. Close-up of the ring, with a red heart-shaped jewel. That looks pretty fancy for a gumball-machine ring. Clark hands back the ring, saying he doesn't know what's going on, but that Chloe does: "She knows who I am." Lana says that Clark shouldn't see her right now.
More murky barking. Somebody needs to sample that and make a top-40 hit! Clark goes through a door and into the Talon apartment, where the walls are covered with news clippings and the pipe fireplace is on. Chloe sees Clark and says, "Thank God!" He asks what's going on. Chloe, gathering her stuff, says that Lex and his men took everything and are trying to wipe her off the face of the Earth. She says that they have to get out of here. "You know, Lex is in a wheelchair," Clark offers. Yeah, you shouldn't talk bad about him, Chloe. Don't you know political correctness? Chloe says that, with the Luthors, you can't trust anything. She says that she and Clark have to go subterranean (no, not again!) until Clark gets his powers back. Clark's not so sure. He says that nothing is the way it's supposed to be; it's all so crazy. Chloe turns to him: "Listen. We're not crazy!" Except it sounds a little crazy. Brooding music continues to play. "We're not crazy," Chloe repeats, "we're just the only two who know the truth." She says that's why they put them in the mental institution. Er, both of them? Chloe grabs a handgun from a drawer and stuffs it in her bag. Lana walks into the room. "I tried to tell you," she tells Clark. Chloe asks what Lana is doing there. It's her show, silly! Lana says that Chloe was in Fairview with Clark. A co-ed mental institution where Chloe and Clark got to hang out? That doesn't sound right. Chloe says that they put her in that snake pit to shut her up. Lana brings up Chloe's family history of mental illness. Ooh, low blow. Chloe, desperate, says that Lana is just trying to confuse Clark. Lana tells Clark to come with her. She says that they'll get Clark the help he needs. Clark is crazy confused. A dog drowns underwater, barking loudly. Clark looks back and forth. He has no idea what to do. Go for what's in the box! The box, Clark! Chloe figures out Clark's decision before he does: "I should have known you'd never be able to resist her. You never could." Chloe starts to walk out in disgust, but stops to Lana. She says that if Lana's there, "they" can't be far behind. Clark runs after Chloe, following her down the stairs, asking her to stay so that they can figure this out. Chloe says she knows about Clark, and that they're going to kill her for it. She says she has to go. Two of Lex's men enter the room, blocking her way. They tell Clark to take it easy. Chloe pulls out her gun in slow motion. So do the henchmen. One of them fires. Chloe is shot just as Clark is about to move forward and try to not use his powers to not block the bullet. Chloe turns to Clark, falling down as Clark tries to hold her. Gasping, Chloe says, "Clark. I'm not crazy!" "No," says Clark. Chloe sputters. "No!" Clark says roughly. Nooooo! Chloe dies. Clark is almost crying. He says Chloe's name a few times. More aquatic growling.
We cut right to Clark back at the mental ward. He's wearing a straitjacket. "This can't be real," he says to himself. Oh, how I wish that were true. He tries to convince himself that Chloe couldn't have died. Dr. Accent, holding a chart, takes off his glasses and says that he's sorry. Sorry that you're so crazy! Ah ha ha! Oh, mental ward humor. Dr. Accent knows how much Clark cared about his friend. "The hell do you want from me?" Clark asks. The doc says he wants Clark to have a happy, healthy life, and that he will after this treatment. Clark says that he's not going to do it, yelling, "I know who I am!" Accent doesn't think Clark does. He says that Clark's name is "Clark Kent," not "Kal-El": "And Jor-El isn't your father." Nooooo! As thunder plays on the soundtrack, Accent holds up a cheap-looking dispenser of liquid soap. It reads, "Jorel Antibacterial Soap. Made with pure jojoba oil." Ha! Clark's dad attributed his long life to clean living. Clark is like, "Whaaaa!?" How did he pull "Jarnelle" out of that soap's name? A woman's voice on an intercom tells "Dr. Fine, Dr. Milton Fine" to report to the third floor, stat. The doctor drones on about the mind protecting itself from emotional pain. Clark notices details around the room -- a set of books, an Employee of the Month flyer, a stack of magazines -- as the doctor talks. Accent says that Clark has taken bits of his surroundings and created a universe where he feels secure. It's called "La-La Land." Doc says that, in a world where Clark has no power, he chose to give himself superpowers. Does Clark have the power to shut this guy up already?
We get more detailed shots of what Clark saw. The shelf with books contains one called Fortress Of Solitude: A Prison Memoir. I guess the Jonathan Lethem version would have been too cutesy. Clark turns and sees a magazine called The Phantom Zone: Exploring the Recesses of the Human Mind. , he examines a bulletin board, on which are Polaroids of patients with names including "Victor Stone" and "Arthur Curry." Clark turns again. The Employee of the Month is a guy in a cap named "Oliver Queen." The nurse who dispensed meds earlier walks in. The doctor greets her. Clark is somehow able to see all the way across the room to the tiny lettering on her ID badge, which reads, "Raya. Nursing." Raya is nursing!? "That'll be all, Raya," the doctor says after signing a chart. Clark notices a sign that reads, "Building Capacity 331." There's a stain in the shape of a period between the 33 and the 1." The doctor picks up a jagged piece of green rock that Clark just noticed, and says that it's a meteor rock from Smallville. Clark jumps out of his chair and backs away, scared. The doctor steps forward, saying it's all right. The rock doesn't hurt Clark: "It's not what you call Kryptonite." More funky barking sounds. Clark, clammy, asks if Chloe is really dead. The doctor says he's sorry, adding that he'll get the treatment ready. Bark, bark. Clark slumps to the floor. He looks very tired. Don't worry, dude. Only one more season to go! The camera pulls away as we get one more bark and some dramatic oomph sounds.
Commercials. Epic Movie. Who am I to judge cheap, mocking jokes at the expense of pop-culture offerings?
We return to see Clark lying on his teeny bunk. There's still booming noise on the soundtrack. "You can't give in, Kal-El," a voice says. "You must resist. None of this is real." Clark mutters, "Leave me alone." We cut to the tiny window of the cell. Through the window of a cell across the hall, Patient Martian is whispering to Clark. He says that Clark was attacked in his barn by a creature he released from the Phantom Zone. Clark says that doesn't exist. Martian says that it does, and that if Clark were human, he'd have been overtaken with ease. Clark sits up in the bed. Martian says that Clark is stronger than that. Clark says that Martian is just a patient in a hospital, and is just as crazy as Clark is. Martian says that if Clark gives up, the being will take control of Clark's body and all its powers; the creature will unite all the other escapees from the Phantom Zone: "Together, they'll enslave all mankind." Clark goes to the small window, and asks how Martian is there if all of this is true. "I'm in your mind as well," says Patient Martian, "trying to help." Ah, well, all right then. That explains everything. Martian says that there's only one way Clark will regain consciousness: he has to kill Dr. Accent. Drama! Clark says that he can't kill a man. Oh, really? Martian insists that the doctor isn't a man. He's a phantom. Clark asks why he should trust Martian. Martian says that Clark knows himself. He needs to trust Clark. Boy, is Clark fucked. Two workers come to Martian's cell, open it, and drag him away. Martian makes one last-ditch effort, coming to Clark's door: "Look within. Believe in yourself! The future of mankind depends on it!" Get some motivational posters! Plant a tree! Recycle! Call your mom! Help pass a local ordinance! Adopt a pet! Don't kill any bums! One of the workers pulls out a lighter and holds it close to Patient Martian's face. Martian doesn't like it. They ask if he's afraid of fire. "Isn't Mars the red-hot planet?" one of them asks. These guys are DICKS! "Welcome home," one of them says, and punches Martian right in the face. Martian gets dragged off by one of them. The other approaches Clark's door and says, "It's time, Mr. Kent." Booming. Barking.
Clark is brought into a very gray and dingy-looking exam room. Lana, wearing a pink short-sleeved shirt, is waiting. She says she didn't want Clark to go through this alone. She looks about three feet tall. Lana thinks that Clark is about to get better, and that they'll finally be together. Yeah, let's keep our fingers crossed, everybody. This time it could really happen! "I want you to be real," says Clark. Don't go getting implants. "I am real," Lana tells him. Lana decides to talk some more: she says that even if she is a hallucination, and Clark's world doesn't exist, and she's about to marry Clark's greatest enemy (huh? When did Clark decide Lex is his worst enemy?), and Clark's an alien from another planet who's caused suffering here...wanna take a breath there, Lana, because this list is getting ridiculous. She asks if Clark really wants to live in a world where all of that is true. It's a fair question. Clark says that he doesn't know what to believe anymore. Lana asks if Clark doesn't just want to take this treatment and be with her. He says that of course he does -- more than she can imagine. She suggests that he stop fighting it: "You've lived for this so long, carried this burden of being a hero." She tells him it's time for him to let go and lead a normal life. Clark, teary, says that he's never been normal. Lana tells him that his destiny isn't to save the world: it's to be with her for the rest of their lives. That does sound more like the show we're familiar with. Lana kisses Clark right to his mouth. The doors open. The doctor walks in with his two flunkies, saying that there's no need to worry -- the procedure is quite painless. Clark turns to Lana. Rough barking.
Clark is lying on a steel table. A nasty-looking drill is coming right for his head. Shouldn't they have shaved his hair off? Lana watches from behind a window. The doctor says that it'll be over in the blink of an eye. Clark is held down. He waits. The doctor hits "Enter" on his computer. A graphic of a brain changes colors. The drill, whirring, extends to Clark. We hear more barking. Clark turns to Lana. Her face fades out from the window. That causes Clark to realize that it's all a dream. The barking continues. "Shelby?" Clark asks. The doctor looks worried. "I'm still in the barn," Clark whispers. The barking ramps up. More noises. "I know who I am!" Clark yells. He fights off the guards. Dr. Accent sounds an alarm. Clark stabs one of the guards in the chest. He slams the other dude's head into the table. Clark grabs the doctor, who tells him he's having another episode: "Think about Lana. You could be together at last!" Clark throws him down and chokes him. "Get out of my mind!" Clark yells. The doctor's eyes open; the pupils are huge and black. He growls. A CGI Phantom Zone monster pops out of his head.
We cut to Clark lying in the barn. An orange light flashes above him. It draws away from Clark and into an object being held by our friend, Patient Martian. Shelby is barking nearby. The object, a triangle with a red orb, suddenly goes dark. The noise stops. Clark looks up and says, "It's you." The dude, in an awesome leather coat, nods: "Welcome home, Kal-El." His eyes flash red. Martian Manhunter, motherfuckers! "Clark?" says Chloe as she enters the barn. MM flies out of the barn on an orange streak, and into the night sky. Chloe asks if Clark is all right. He hugs her tightly. Shelby barks. "Thanks, buddy. You saved my life," says Clark, patting him. Shelby, hero, barks one more time.
Commercials. I'm still lovin' Everybody Hates Chris.
Kent home at night. The fireplace is going. Clark sits on the couch, brooding. Chloe enters, carrying a tray of what I hope is hot cocoa. Clark asks if she's sure he was only out for a second. She says that she was walking from her car when she heard Clark fall, and by the time she got inside, he was on his feet. Clark says that it felt like a lifetime. Try recapping it! Hey, this is just like what happened to Picard! Chloe says that she has to give the phantom props: dangling the Lana carrot was a pretty tempting offer. She adds, though, that the phantom has never encountered the steel will of Clark Kent. Clark, less flippant, says that she doesn't understand: he almost gave up everything and everyone he cares about...for Lana. Chloe says that, given the upcoming wedding, she thought Lana was in the past tense. So did we. Man, so did we. Are we ever stupid. "So did I," sighs Clark. "The truth is, I still love her." Chloe looks more than a little hurt and glum as she says, "I guess Kryptonite's not your only weakness." Chloe tries to lighten the mood, asking who she was in this alternate universe. Smiling, she asks if she was editor in chief of The Daily Planet, or a Pulitzer Prize winner. Clark, trying not to freak Chloe out, says that it was something like that. He says the important part is that she was the one person who believed in Clark. Chloe smiles. "I don't know what I'd do without you, Chloe," says Clark. Instead of jumping Clark at that moment, Chloe asks if she should cue the Barry Manilow music. "Seriously," says Clark, "you mean a lot more to me than you know." Chloe wants to cry. It's very cute.
The Talon. Clark walks in and looks around the room. He spots Lana at the counter; she's wearing a white coat and picking up a cup of what I hope isn't coffee. No caffeine, lady! Lana says that Clark looks like he's got something on his mind. He asks if it's that obvious. Lana says that he doesn't hide his feelings as well as he thinks. Clark tries to ask about her pregnancy. Lana says she's fine, adding that everything's fine. "Good," Clark lies. She asks what that look in his eye was. Clark scoffs. He says he had a dream about Lana the night before. She hopes it wasn't a nightmare. It sort of was. Clark says that they were ten, and he gave her a plastic ring from Quinn's Market. "Sweet," she says. Pretty flirty right here, Lana asks what the occasion was. Clark says that it was an engagement ring. Lana asks what happened . Clark says that he woke up. Sadly. Lana just wants to get her hot water and get out of there. "Lana," says Lex, standing nearby. "I should have guessed the delay wasn't your herbal tea," he adds, walking past Clark and kissing Lana. She kisses back. "Clark," says Lex. "It's good to see you out and about, Lex," says Clark. We have a blog at my work that used to deal a lot with gay issues called "Out and About." Not implying anything here. Just sayin'. Lex says that Clark actually sounded convincing saying that: "I appreciate the civility." Lex asks Lana if she's ready to go; he says that they don't want to keep the wedding planner waiting. Lana says that she and Clark were just saying goodbye. For six seasons. Clark looks glum. Lana and Lex walk off. The strummy alt-crap music plays. Lana turns in slow motion and looks to Clark. You broke up! We go to blackout, of course. Everyone just wishes the coffee shop could have been up in the barn somehow.
week: Lois is back. Hide your liquor.