Finally! A fun episode! Chloe confronts a doctor who's been working with Lex on 33.1 and has a gun pulled on her. She's saved not by Clark, but by the kid we knew as The Flash, who's back in town from a Mexican excursion and now works for Oliver. And he's not alone. Oliver has assembled a team that includes our old friends Aquabro and Cyborg. They're trying to stop Lex from using Krypto-friends as his own personal army. The Flash (who actually will be known here as Impulse) gets captured by Lex while trying to steal some data about 33.1. He's put in a crazy electrical chamber that will fry him if he stops running. Evil! With help from Clark, Oliver and his super buddies form a team...a league, if you will, of somewhat adequate gentlemen. They also bring in Chloe, who learns all of their secrets (no one seems to mind) and helps them to infiltrate LuthorCorp's research lab (conveniently located just outside Metropolis). They rescue Impulse, confront Lex -- Oliver gives Lex a nasty cut on the cheek -- and blow the place up. Papa Luthor gives Lex a lecture, and then lies about having dinner with Clark the night before to protect his involvement. Clark agrees to join the team, but only after he takes care of some Zoners. Now if they could only come up with a decent name.... In less heroic news, Oliver teases Lois with promises of a trip to Monte Carlo, then dashes her hopes at the last minute by canceling the trip and breaking up with her. I'm not a huge fan of Lois, but damn, dude. That's cold as ice. Are you sure you're not Silver Surfer? Warning: if group slow-motion, bad-ass, Reservoir Dogs walking makes you feel nauseated, you might want to take a Dramamine before viewing this episode.
So, Batista of Smackdown is telling me I'm watching The CW. Thank you, Batista. Now get the Hell off my screen. It's time for some "Justice"!
The moon is up in the sky like a big a' pizza pie. The camera dips for a flyover of the globe atop the Daily Planet building. We sail over the globe and fall down the side of the building and into some bright lights. All goes white, and then we're inside the building. Chloe is talking to Clark on a cell phone as she walks. She tells him that she knows he's dealing with Zoners, but that if he hasn't found anything in South America, they have problems in Kansas to deal with. Clark's cell phone works in South America? Chloe tells Clark that someone is meeting her in fifteen minutes; she'll see Clark in a few. An older gentleman with not much hair steps forward. Security! How did this guy get in the building? Chloe says that "Dr. Caselli" is early. He tells Chloe that she's annoyingly persistent. That sounds about right. He reiterates that he doesn't know anything. Well, that's a crappy medical school that passed you through, then, fool. Chloe tells him not to sell himself short, and passes him a folder. She says that, in the last month, over a dozen patients have been transferred out of the high-security area of Belle Reve. She's got the doctor's signature on all the paperwork. Caselli says that patients are transferred to and from mental institutions all the time. Chloe asks whether that includes patients who've exhibited unusual abilities; she asks where they're going, whether LuthorCorp is involved, and whether this has anything to do with Level 33.1. Rather than answer three whole questions, Caselli pulls out a gun. That's always a definitive answer. Chloe gasps and puts up her hands; wide-eyed, she says she'll take that as a "no comment." Caselli says that he didn't want any of this, dreamily adding, "But it was so much money." This doctor must be rich, beeyatch! He's going to buy a yacht and a big steak and some cocaine to snort of a stripper's-- Just as the doctor is about to fire, a red streak whooshes into the room, knocking the man over and me off my list of things to buy if I ever get a bunch of money from LuthorCorp. Caselli's gun flies right into Chloe's hands, while the doctor himself lands hard on the floor. Clark appears behind Chloe and asks if she's all right. Chloe smiles and says that Clark was just in the nick of time, as always. Clark says that it wasn't him. The doctor had already been felled when he got there. Chloe asks who it was. They both turn and see someone standing near the stairs. The red shape whooshes out of the scene before they can see who it is. Clark whooshes out in pursuit.
Overhead shot of the Metropolis streets. We see a tiny Clark shape chasing a tiny red shape in a kind of Metropolis Pac-Man game. We cut to a basketball court, where ballers and their classy lady friends are hoopin' it up at night in the cold. A whoosh knocks someone's hat off. Clark appears. Man, it's true what they say: white men can't fly! Clark looks around, but can't spot the person he was chasing among all the basketball players. Someone whistles. It's a guy in khaki pants, a red hoodie, and red shoes. Clark superspeeds, and we see him run in slow motion and try to grab the person. The guy in the red hoodie whooshes away just in time. The basketball players continue their game. The guy in red comes back and takes off his hood. Hey, it's Li'l Flash! "Still too slow, Stretch," he tells Clark. Clark smiles: "Bart." Clark is so happy to see Li'l Flash, because he really needs a friend right now. O, fast young beaver-looking man. You've got a friend in me.
Opening credits. Commercials. An M&M candy that can breakdance is an idea whose time has finally come.
The Barnness of Whatthehelljusthappenedtude. Chloe is confused: she thought Clark was the fastest man alive. Man alive! Clark beats himself up for not being the one who saved Chloe's life. Chloe says that even with all of Clark's powers, he can't be everywhere at once. You're not Visa, Clark. You can't be everywhere we want to be. Clark says that he's the only one who can round up the Phantom Zoners and stop Lex from experimenting on people with abilities. Is "abilities" what we're calling it now? Not "Krypto-capable"? Clark asks what Chloe found out about 33.1 from the doctor. Chloe says she got nuthin'; Caselli got in and out of prison before the ink was dry on his fingerprints. "Prison"? Don't you mean "jail"? Chloe says that a LuthorCorp lawyer visited him just before he got out. Clark says that he'll talk to Papa Luthor and see if he can find out anything. Chloe says that she'll look through her LuthorCorp intel for some breadcrumbs. Be ambitious, Chloe. Look for a whole slice of pizza!
Li'l Flash whooshes into the scene and gets right in Chloe's face: "Hey, gorgeous! What's up? You miss me?" I don't think I could be prouder of this young man if he were my own son. He re-introduces himself as Bart Allen, and says that they had a moment at The Talon the last time he was there. He and Chloe shake hands. Enchanté! "Two years ago, before you had a boyfriend," Clark grumbles. Loudly. "Ohhh!" says Chloe. Li'l Flash says that the pleasure is all his, and kisses Chloe's hand, calling her "señorita." These. Are. Some smooth moves. Clark, why don't you pull out a notebook and take some fucking notes? Chloe smiles, looks back at Clark, and says she'll see him around. She walks out of the barn as Li'l Flash stares at her nice ass. He flicks his lip with a thumb and says, "Muy caliente." Take note, white teens: Spanish makes you The Sexy. Learn it! Your Spanish could be even better than a supposedly Latino actor's.
Clark tells Li'l Flash to knock it off, and asks what's up with the Spanish. What's it to you, gringo estupido? Don't you know I'm loco, ese? Li'l Flash tells a compelling but ultimately unbelievable story about going to Mexico and partaking of a sensational burrito called "El Intestino Buster." Yeah. I don't think that's what it was really called. Which is surprising, given this show's way with the Spanish language. Li'l Flash suggests that Clark take a run with him down there to try the burrito. A run for the border? Clark wants Li'l Flash to cut the crap, and asks why he came back to Smallville. Li'l Flash says he came back to hang out with his amigo. Clark, still serious, says that the last time Li'l Flash was in town, he took Bo Duke's wallet and swiped a priceless artifact from Lex. Li'l Flash is amused by the memories, but assures Clark that things are different now. Li'l Flash says that he needed a superkick in the butt and that Clark gave it to him; he swears on his "gringo" self that there's been no more stealing since then. Clark asks if he's supposed to believe that. Smartass Li'l Flash says that he could squeeze out some tears if it'd help. Clark insists on the truth, and asks what Li'l Flash was doing at The Daily Planet. The kid says he saw the "Chloealicious byline" in the paper a while back, and was in town for business; he decided to go check her out. Clark asks what business. Li'l Flash says he's a courier, taking things to places, "lickety split, don't have a fit." Exactly how many drinks did Stephen S. DeKnight have when he wrote this scene? Because he sounds like he's having an awful lot of fun here. (Cheers, mate. I'll have whatever he's having.) Li'l Flash gets a little sad that Clark doesn't believe him, and offers to be gone before Clark can even blink. Clark superzips into his path: "I don't know. I can still blink pretty fast. Mexico, huh? Wanna go get that burrito?" All right, Clark! Have some fun for once, you boring bastard. "Excelente!" says Li'l Flash. Clark grins and makes cute little faces. This is gonna be the best burrito excursion ever on this show!
Oliver's clock tower. It's a cloudy day. Oliver and Lois emerge from the elevator, clearly sloshed. Lois praises their two-martini lunch. Oliver says that it was a four-martini lunch, and it looks like some of it ended up on his black shirt. That, or he's lactating. Lois offers to make up for spilling the drink on him. Oliver says that it's his favorite shirt. Lois unbuttons the shirt, offering to put it in the laundry so that the black shirt doesn't get stained with the clear drink. Smart, that. They kiss. Oliver's cell phone rings. He reaches into his back pocket. We get a brief glimpse of his pant-line. He's a boxers man. Lois pulls back as Oliver sees the number and says that he has to take the call. He steps toward the camera while Lois ages in the background. "Go ahead," Oliver says into the phone. He blinks a lot and then says, "Give me five minutes." This is gonna be a real quickie, Lois. Brace yourself. Oliver hangs up. Lois steps forward, telling Oliver that what she had in mind is going to take a little longer than five minutes. Oliver lets his mouth hang open a bit before answering, "Rain check?" Lois says that she'll just put it to the rest of the umbrellas Oliver keeps handing her. Each umbrella, Oliver? Is a blowjob. Just so you know. Oliver tries to explain, but Lois asks why this relationship is all interruptus and no coitus. That's Latin for dirty! She says that he's always running off just when things get interesting. And he wears a lot of leather? And has neat hair? I wonder what explanation there could be for that. Lois says that she likes being interested...a lot. Is that code for really, really digging dick? Oliver, shirt open, says that it's not fair to her. He says he thinks they should take a break. Like Ross and Rachel? Lois, hurt, asks if he means see other people. Oliver, taken aback, says yeah, sure, if that's what she wants. What he meant was a vacation, just the two of them. Then don't say you want a break, jackhole. That's like saying, "I want us to divorce...ourselves from work obligations so that we can go on a cruise together, honey! [Smooch!]" And speaking from experience, wives don't like it when you pull that shit. Lois smiles: "Really? No rushing out in the middle of the good stuff?" Oliver says it'll just be him, her and..."Monte Carlo?" he asks. And some oily midgets. Lois likes that. Oliver says that there are some things he has to take care of before they go. He tries to keep talking, but Lois plants one on his lips. Oliver says that she's good at that. She learned it from Clark. Lois offers to start packing. Another kiss, and then she finally leaves him alone. She goes on the elevator for the long-ass commute to Smallville. Oliver looks down at his cell phone. A test message reads, "Game on." If this had been a few seasons ago, it might read, "Gay on."
Lair of Lex. Lex is at his desk, studying a document in a folder. Papa Luthor walks in, saying that he has to talk to Lex and asking if he's alone. Lex says that it's just him and his shadow. Lex says that Lana is in Paris with Nell (Nasty Nell!?), shopping for a wedding dress. Papa Luthor is momentarily taken aback. He says it's good that Lana is out of the country, considering what's happening. Lex asks if this is about Dr. Caselli. Papa says that the doctor is the least of their worries: another LuthorCorp facility has been hit. He says that makes six, all of them affiliated with 33.1. Lex says that the only thing housed in those facilities is peripheral research; all the vital data is stored on the mainframe. Papa asks how long it'll be before that info is compromised, too. Papa is scared of what would happen if the public found out LuthorCorp is experimenting on people with abilities. Lex says that won't happen. He shows Papa Luthor what's in the folder, saying it's a single frame from a security camera that was on during a break-in. There's an orange blur. Also, there's a sign on a door that reads, "Prohibido Pasar." Lex says that the person responsible has the ability to move faster than a speeding bullet, and that person would make an interesting test subject for 33.1. Papa asks what Lex plans to do. Lex says that he's protecting their investment. He offers to walk Papa Luthor out.
As the Luthors walk, Li'l Flash appears to the library, wearing sunglasses and the red hood. He speeds downstairs to Lex's laptop. Turns it around. Types in some information. Plugs in a flash drive. He copies folders to the flash drive. "Yeah I got it. Meet me at the rendezvous," Li'l Flash says into an earpiece. Then he flashes out of there.
Li'l Flash reappears in a warehouse area. He calls out, asking if they're going to do this or if the person he's meeting is going to lurk in the shadows all night. Green Arrow comes down via rope and lands behind Li'l Flash. "Just being careful," says Green Arrow in his deep, fake voice. He adds that he's not as fast as Li'l Flash. And...scene!
Commercials. It makes me sad and happy at the same time that "Rock The Casbah" is being used in a cell phone commercial. Why is that?
We come back to that odd photo of an orange blur to a door. Papa Luthor, rockin' the suspenders-over-business-attire '80s stockbroker look, is examining the photo in his office. Clark, rockin' the it-was-never-that-fashionable-to-begin-with farmboy look, enters. Papa Luthor takes off his glasses and says that he was just thinking about Clark. Only it was because of the magazine beneath the photo, Cut Inches Quarterly. Clark mopes that Papa Luthor has a funny way of showing it: "I've left a half a dozen messages." Yeah, Papa Luthor, answer your damn texts! "R U there" or not!? Papa Luthor says that he's been preoccupied. Clark accuses Papa Luthor of helping the doctor from Belle Reve to get out of jail. Papa Luthor says that his affiliation with Belle Reve is history. Papa comes around the desk and says that Clark appears to have an active interest in breaking into LuthorCorp. He passes Clark the blurred photo. Clark asks where it was taken. Papa Luthor says that it's from a LuthorCorp processing plant in Mexico. Papa tells Clark to be more careful if he's going to play games like this. Clark says that it's not him in the photo. "No? Who is it then?" asks Papa Luthor. Clark doesn't answer. We just go to the scene.
Kent kitchen. Li'l Flash has just stuffed himself with a king's breakfast. He's giggling and telling MamaKent that it's sooooo good. MamaKent is stunned that Li'l Flash eats more than Clark and is half his size. Li'l Flash says that he burns a lot of calories. MamaKent says that she has to run to a meeting, but that there's plenty more in the fridge; she asks if he minds cleaning up. MamaKent grabs her coat, waves it toward the camera -- the better to make a clean camera cut -- and turns to find the kitchen neat and tidy again. Rubbing a glass with a dishtowel, Li'l Flash says, "Anything for you, Mrs. Kent." Hey, calm down, buddy. Don't go all Finch on us here. Clark enters. Li'l Flash tells Clark that he just missed a killer spread. Watch it, kid! No more Stifler's Mom talk! Clark tells Li'l Flash to cut the lies. What, are you saying that breakfast wasn't delicious? You bastard! Clark says he knows about the LuthorCorp break-in, which was committed by someone as fast as Clark himself. "Faster, actually," Li'l Flash corrects him. Clark bitterly says he believed the kid's talk about how his life was changed. Li'l Flash says that he is a different guy now. Clark says that Li'l Flash stole from Lex before and he's doing it again. Li'l Flash turns away and growls, saying that it's complicated. "I'm a smart guy, explain it to me!" Clark bellows. All right, Clark. You really want to know? When a man and a woman, or two very hot men or women, love each other very much...they lie in a bed together and rub bellies until a big bird brings them a baby. Are you happy now!? God, I feel so dirty. Li'l Flash says that he can't tell. "I thought we were amigos!" Clark whines. Li'l Flash says that they are. Clark still wants to know why he's stealing. Li'l Flash sighs that he can't say. Clark spots Li'l Flash's backpack, and says he'll find out for himself. Flash grabs the backpack before Clark can get to it. He says that he can't tell all his secrets, and that he thought Clark would understand that. Li'l Flash books it out of there, leaving the door open. Yeah, how's it feel to be whooshed out on, Clark?
Talon apartment. Lois is packing up her stuff in a suitcase. Chloe is lying on the bed nearby. Lois says that it's just a vacation. Chloe corrects her, saying that Palm Springs is a vacation -- Monte Carlo is a fairy tale. Lois hopes that Prince Charming won't be disappearing every five minutes. Chloe pulls an item out of a froofy Victoria's Secret-style shopping bag. It's a very skimpy lime-green teddy. Chloe thinks Lois will be able to keep Oliver's attention. Lois says that she doesn't shop there for just anybody. He has to have money and ambiguous hair highlights. She pulls the item over her made-for-lingerie rack and asks Chloe if she should go with a black teddy instead. Chloe thinks that green is Oliver's color. Clark walks in just then, yelling, "Hey, Chloe!" He stares dumbly at Lois in her negligee. "God, Smallville, learn how to knock!" Lois tells him, all grossed out. She says she could have been naked. Clark chuckles. "Ew!" says Lois. Chloe tells Clark about Lois's trip to Monte Carlo. Lois says that she'll send a postcard if she's not too busy. Clark tries to warn her not to go or some damn thing, but Lois somehow takes that as a signal that she should get some new bikinis. She picks up her purse and goes to do just that.
When Lois has gone,Clark wonders if he should have helped Oliver to keep his secret with Lois. Chloe reminds Clark that he wasn't very honest with Lana either. "Look how that ended up," Clark mopes. He wonders if keeping secrets just forces you to lie to people you care about. Chloe asks if they're still talking about Oliver. Clark says that the guy who saved Chloe at the Planet didn't get away: it's actually Li'l Flash. Chloe is thrilled, and asks if he's as fast as Clark. Clark says that he's faster, and apologizes for not telling her sooner. Chloe says that Clark was just protecting him, and that it's fine: "If anyone gets it, it's me." She asks why Clark is "outing him now." Well... [Cough.] Clark says that he needs to find Li'l Flash, and wants to know if Chloe can GPS his cell phone. Chloe asks whether Clark has his number. Clark pulls out a slip of paper and hands it to Chloe. He tells her about the LuthorCorp plant in Mexico. Clark worries about what'll happen if he tries to break in again. Chloe can't pull up the GPS info online, and says Li'l Flash's phone must be off. Clark asks if she can pull up a call history. "Legally? Absolutely not," says Chloe. Then, excitedly, she does it anyway. She finds a slew of calls to Metropolis, and tries to find out whom the phone belongs to; turns out it's "Artemis Global Consortium." Chloe tracks it to Queen Industries. "It's Oliver," says Clark. Of course! Oliver=queen! He says that Oliver must be using Li'l Flash to attack LuthorCorp.
We cut to a LuthorCorp facility. Li'l Flash whooshes into a room full of computers, just as someone is walking out. "I'm in," Flash tells someone over his earpiece. He plugs a flash drive in to copy some files, but this time the flash drive explodes in his hand, shocking him with electricity. Li'l Flash falls. Two garage doors open, and troops spill into the room, armed to the teeth, and surround his body. Lex walks in and looks down: "Not so fast now, are you?" Green laser points from all the guns are on Li'l Flash's chest. We go to commercials.
Beauty And The Geek sounds like a show that I would want to watch, but then I see the promos and I lose the urge to watch.
Oliver's pad. Clark gets out of the elevator in a flurry or righteous indignation. Oliver, sensing pissiness, says that, whatever's got Clark's "tighty-whities in a bunch," now's not the time. Clark asks about Li'l Flash. It would have been hilarious if Clark had taken a beat to wonder how Oliver knows what kind of underwear he's got. Clark says that he saw Li'l Flash's phone records, and knows that he's working for Oliver. Oliver says that he's not working for him, but with him. Clark says that it won't matter when he ends up in jail. Or worse. Women's jail! Clark says he knows how much Oliver dislikes Lex. He asks whether Oliver recruited Li'l Flash for his vendetta. Oliver says that he did it to stop 33.1. "You know about 33.1?" asks Clark. He wonders why Oliver didn't tell him what he was doing. Oliver asks whether Clark checks in with Oliver every time he runs off to save the world, then says he just remembered that Clark waits until trouble comes to his own doorstep. Clark says that's not true. Oliver asks why Clark hasn't tried to stop 33.1. Clark says that he was busy with another problem. Horrible, chronic diarrhea. Of the mouth. Oliver asks what could be more urgent than Lex building an army of superfreaks. Listening to Lana go all wishy-washy about her relationship? Going to Mexico for a burrito? Oliver says that Lex is starting a war. Yay! Capes and rainbow shields for everyone! In a very quiet, sexy voice, Clark asks, "What have you found out?" I think Oliver just found out that he's got wood. Oliver says, "Not enough." He tells Clark that, the night before, Li'l Flash was infiltrating the location of the 33.1 mainframe; he hasn't heard from the kid since then. Oliver says that he "reconned" the place this morning, and everything was stripped clean; it was a set-up. Clark says that Lex must have Li'l Flash, and that they have to find him. "My team's already on it," says Oliver. Thundering, epic music starts to play as Oliver nods toward the elevator. Clark turns. Hey, it's Bionic Brother and Aquadude! I never thought I'd be so happy to see these guys. (Especially Aquadude.) "Not everybody flies solo, Kent," says Bionic Brother. Aquadude does his squinty smile. I got chills just then, but I realized it's because it's very cold here right now and I forgot to raise the heat.
Li'l Flash is lying in the dark on the floor somewhere, dressed in some ridiculous magenta and red get-up. Did Lex dress him up in that? How did that go down? He wakes up to the sound of doors opening. Lex, standing there waiting, approaches with two henchmen. The room is dark, but includes dramatically lit and expensive-looking computers. The camera follows Lex from behind. "Good morning, Sunshine," says Lex. Lights go on in a chamber where Li'l Flash is being held. "I know you," says Lex. You couldn't tell it was him when you were undressing him and putting him into a lightning-shaped plastic vest? Lex says that Li'l Flash has stolen from him before. "I want a lawyer," says Li'l Flash, crossing his arms. Lex, giddy, raises his arms to the sides and says, "And I want a ponytail! Disappointment abounds." Hee. Lex with a ponytail would be the ultimate. Lex asks whom Li'l Flash is working for. Li'l Flash says that what you see is what you get, calling Lex "Goldilocks." Lex tells Li'l Flash that he's a low-level thief, not a corporate hacker. He wants Li'l Flash to say whom he's working for before things get "unpleasant." Li'l Flash pretends to give in, stepping toward the glass. "I work for a guy...called Mr. Kiss My Butt. Would you like me to introduce you?" Well...it's not exactly inspired, like saying he was "working for #2," would have been, but it still pisses off Lex. Lex opens up a cell phone-looking device that lights up the chamber. Lex, walking away, says that the chamber has been outfitted with pressure plates that detect movement. Lex says that if Li'l Flash stops for even a millisecond after it's activated, he'll fry. Sounds pricey. I hope he got some reasonable contract bids before getting this built by, say, Halliburton. "Last chance," Lex offers. Li'l Flash raises his chin defiantly. Lex says that maybe he'll be more talkative when he gets tired of running. He pushes a button, activating green electricity in the chamber. Li'l Flash screams, and then starts running circles within the round chamber. It's probably no coincidence that the floor of the chamber looks like our old pal, Mr. Octagonal Space Disc. Li'l Flash blurs in a circle. Lex smiles slyly, and then walks out.
Back at Oliver's pad, the room just got a lot gayer. Oliver tells Aquadude to pull up the LuthorCorp manifest. "Gotcha," says Aquadude. Oh yeah you do. Clark asks Bionic Bro how long they've been working together. BB says that it's been about six months, and that, at the time, Aquadude and Oliver had "already been doing their thing." I see.... Clark asks about BB's girlfriend. "Dude, don't even go there," says Aquadude helpfully. "She gave it her best shot," says Bionic Brother, without a hint of bitterness. He says that, with all this hardware in him...he doesn't finish, but Clark says he's sorry. So, was his plug not compatible with her socket? BB says that when Oliver found him, he was living on the streets. He says that Oliver offered him a warm meal, a roof over his head, and a reason to go on living. You make me sad, robot man. Oliver, who only heard half of that, asks if BB just said something nice about him. "Maybe he's starting to rust," offers Aquadude. All right, Aquadude? You know how, in the script, there are lines you highlighted that you're supposed to say? Just strike through all of those, and when it's your turn to talk, just nod sagely and let someone else cut in. Trust me, you'll come across better that way. Clark asks Aquadude how he got involved. Aw, damn. It was such a good plan, too. Aquadude tells Clark that he got into trouble after taking down a whaling vessel off the coast of Japan. BB cuts in, asking if "a little trouble" is really what he's going to go with. He says that, without Oliver's help, Aquadude's scaly butt would have gotten filleted. Talk of butts...hmmm.... Aquadude scoffs that he would have gotten out of it. Oliver, a bit twitchy, asks if that was before or after he'd been crammed into a thousand tuna cans. BB -- on the couch and casual as hell -- says, "At least you would have been dolphin-safe." Funny, the clunky lines sound so much better coming from him. "Fish jokes," mutters Aquadude. "All I ever get are fish jokes." Hey, don't look at me. I think fish puns are the lowest form of humor. Wait, no, I meant single-cell organism puns. Fish jokes are slightly higher up in the comedy food chain. Clark is amused. Aquadude asks how Lois is doing. Clark, the asshole, says, "Uh, I think you'd have to ask your boss." Oliver brushes that off, saying that now's not the time, and that they have to find Li'l Flash.
Clark asks how Oliver got Flash involved with this, adding that Li'l Flash has never been much of a team player. Oliver suggests that he and Clark have that in common. Oliver then turns serious, telling Clark that he was in Star City and found Li'l Flash helping himself to a free meal. Oliver says he could tell that Li'l Flash was a good kid who just needed a little direction, so he offered Flash a job. "Look where that got him," says asshole + judgmental Clark. Aquadude and Bionic Brother both give Clark curious looks. Oliver says that he underestimated Lex, and promises that it won't happen again. Oliver pushes a button on his desk. A drop-down flatscreen shows them a list of LuthorCorp holdings within a hundred-mile radius. Oliver says that Li'l Flash could be held in any one of those facilities. Why would Lex keep him so close by? BB says that's a lot of real estate to cover. Clark says he knows someone who can help them to narrow it down.
Daily Planet at night. Chloe, in strange secretary-looking clothes and hair, is amazed that Bionic Brother and Aquadude are also working for Oliver. "Oliver's been [getting] busy," Clark tells her. He asks if there's anything in her LuthorCorp intel that could help them to find Li'l Flash. Chloe digs through a pile of papers on her desk and says she shook some internal information loose when she was tracking down Dr. Caselli. She saw a bunch of equipment being transferred to a facility, just outside of Metropolis, called The Ridge. Convenient! Chloe says it's not just a few forklifts; there's massive lead shielding, electrical pressure plates, and $20 million worth of equipment to measure high-velocity particles. Lex really needs a less expensive hobby. Clark tells Chloe to take all her info to Oliver. "Me?!" she says, panicked. Clark says that he can get to The Ridge faster, and that he can't let anything happen to Li'l Flash. He whooshes out of the scene.
LuthorCorp Ridge Facility. They make very expensive bags of Ruffles here. A guard swipes a card and enters the building through a steel door. Clark zips to it just before the door closes. He enters. Why is there more fog inside the building than out? Clark stands around looking dramatic, unmindful of security cameras.
Clock tower at night. Oliver pulls up a security camera feed on his laptop. Chloe is at his front door, saying that Clark sent her. Oliver pushes a button to open the elevator door, asking, "Where's Clark?" Chloe says that he went to rescue Li'l Flash. Oliver is surprised that Clark told her about that. "We trust each other," says Chloe. "Clark tells me everything." She corrects herself, saying that he tells her almost everything. She says she had to figure out Oliver's green leather fetish on her own. Oliver, surprised, starts to say something, but Chloe stops him by saying that she won't tell Lois, although he might want to consider it. Oliver suggests that they stick to the main plot and calls Chloe "sidekick." He asks what she's got. She says that she has a solid lead on Li'l Flash, and asks where Aquadude and Bionic Brother are. Oliver hangs his head, his whole world of secrets falling apart. Aquadude and BB walk in; BB says that they're not so great at this whole secret thing yet. "Yeah, but you're great at getting caught by the villain," Chloe snarks. Ouch. That's hitting below the iron waistline. Chloe says she thinks Li'l Flash is being held at The Ridge. "That's down by the docks," says our expert on all things aquatic. Oliver says it's also on their list of targets. He pulls them up on screen, and goes to a blueprint. Chloe is impressed. Oliver tells his "boys" that they know the drill. He tells them to gear up and get out. Chloe notices the lead shielding she was just telling Clark about earlier being used in a room labeled "M12 Refinement." She thinks that meteor rock is being refined there, and concludes, "Clark's in trouble."
We cut back to The Ridge. Clark walks at normal speed toward a steel door marked, "Restricted." He pushes the door open. An alarm sounds, everything glows green, and Clark is suddenly sick. He falls down, knocking over a glass with meteor rock in it. It's gooey on the floor to him. Clark grunts.
Commercials. My wife was just complaining about Drew Barrymore being in yet another romantic comedy, but when you consider what other kinds of movies she might try to do, I think we should just count our blessings.
Sprint presents Oliver's story in the form of a cell phone computer-animated cartoon. I'm not sad that I'm on Cingular. (Text "GREEN" to the number 7000 if you're interested.)
Back at the Ridge Facility. Two guards are walking the perimeter. An arrow hits the LuthorCorp sign right in front of them and spews green gas. The two men do a fine job of acting woozy and falling. Cha-ching! We'll have our SAG cards in no time! Oh, wait...it's Canada. Dammit! Oliver (in his tight Green Arrow pleather) and Bionic Brother (in a He-Man breastplate) approach. Oliver puts a hand near his ear (which is covered by the hood) and calls to "Watchtower." "Watchtower," it turns out, is Chloe, who is back at Oliver's pad. She tells him that there should be a security panel by the east door. Oliver couldn't have taken the map with him on a PDA? Chloe is about to tell them how to re-wire the system, but instead, BB rips off the metal and says thathe can plug in and shut down the whole perimeter. Clearly excited to the point of sexual satisfaction is Chloe, who asks, "You can do that?" And so much more, baby. BB plugs a cord into his arm. The camera zooms in on his left eye, which goes all Terminator on us. He blinks. The perimeter is neutralized. Oliver calls his other buddy, announcing, "Aquaman, you're up!"
We cut to the edge of the docks, where Aquadude swims up quickly. So he's just extraneous whenever there's no water around? Aquadude emerges in an indoor tank that conveniently has a nearby ladder. He tells his earpiece, "Perimeter reached. Proceeding to target." Shirtless, he goes up the ladder.
Back with BB and Oliver, BB knocks out a steel door. Oliver tells his friend that he makes one hell of a can opener. Uh, thanks? "You'd look good on a bag of green beans!" Bionic Brother fires back. Ha. See, that one was actually funny. Ho ho ho. Oliver puts a hand to his ear again and asks Chloe which way to go. How advanced is this earpiece if you have to use your whole hand to make it work? Chloe directs him southwest, adding that there's still no word from Clark. Unless that word is "Unnngghh." BB promises that if Clark is in there, they'll get him out. Or at least they will carry out the tiny pieces with due reverence. Oliver reminds BB that he has a different mission, as the camera circles around them. "You're the boss, Robin Hood," says BB. Oliver heads down a corridor while Chloe asks what's going on with this different mission. Oliver ignores the question.
Back at the chamber of perpetual flashing, the action slows down so we can see that Li'l Flash is running, but he looks tired.
Two more guards are walking by, this time inside the facility. One of them says, "Hey, did you hear about those two guards that look just like us and got cancer from some green mist they inhaled?" "Yeah, that's a damn shame. We had a poker game every Tuesday night with those guys and -- UNGH!" That's when Oliver kicks one of the guys and smashes the other in the neck with a chop. Then he kicks the first guy and throws the second one. They seemed like nice guys, too. Oliver punches the second guy in the face for good measure. Chloe asks Oliver's status. "Switching to silent running," he replies. "Stand by for instructions." All...right, then. I'll just sit here and...uh...watch the blueprints rotate around. Have fun with your...silent...running thing. Jackass. "Aquaman, do your thing!" Oliver calls out. Well, that running silent thing didn't last very long.
Aquadude is lurking in a very well-lit air shaft. He hovers near the grate, which is in clear view of Li'l Flash's chamber of doom.
Hallway. BB is running very fast. He runs right into a third set of two guards and hits them like a linebacker, creating two big energy fields and sending the guys flying. They were from that poker game, too! He keeps running.
Clark is still on the ground, gurgling from the Kryptonite. How's that solo career coming along, Clark? A big guard comes in and points a gun at Clark, saying, "Hey, you're not supposed to be here!" Then he gets shot with an arrow right in the back of the neck. Ouchie! The guard falls. "Neither am I," says Green Arrow. Lame!
We see Oliver/Green Arrow carrying Clark out of the room. Clark recovers quickly. Oliver calls Chloe and says that the "Boy Scout" is out of the woods. Chloe is relieved. "'Boy Scout'?" asks Clark. Oliver says that Clark could have chosen his own code name ("Flannel Weasel"? "Flaccidman"? "Prairie Dog"?) if he hadn't gone off "all half-cocked." Yes, Clark, time use your whole cock. (Oliver insists.) Oliver says that if Clark doesn't want to play for "the team," that's all right, but he should be smart about it. This is so gay that John Waters refuses to make a movie about it because it's way too campy. "Point taken!" says Clark bitterly. You see! It's a gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay world. Clark's just a squirrel lover looking for some nuts. Clark asks about Li'l Flash. "'Impulse,'" Oliver corrects him. "He didn't get to pick his own code name either." Impulse? I guess that's fairly cool. If a man you've never met before suddenly gives you flowers.... Oliver turns and hands Clark a tiny plastic device. It's the world's thinnest butt plug, tight-ass. Oliver says that "Watchtower" will guide Clark to where Li'l Flash...er, Impulse is being held. Clark asks what Oliver's going to be doing. He turns dramatically amid the indoor mist, turns on his voice-warping device, and says he'll be doing "what I do best." Pretending to like Lois while you flash your teeth for the camera? Oliver scampers off, gay-jogging. Clark can't help watching that ass. It's the Gayest Look of the Episode (among many). In the earpiece, Chloe says, "Watchtower to Boy Scout: Let's find Impulse." Aw, geez. Too many code names, people.
Two more unlucky guards walk by, guns drawn. Green Arrow puts a sticky electronic device on a pipe. It lights up green.
Bionic Brother finds a hallway and uses his communicator to ask for Aquaman. A steel door opens. Aquaman is standing there, sticking out his pelvis, glistening. "Dude, what took you so long?" asks Aquaman. BB raises his eyebrows and says, "Nice!" Gay circuits! Fried! Switching to rear-entry auxiliary HoYay detecting power! He could also be referring to all the unconscious guards around. Aquadude must have beaten them up with his chest shine. BB tells Aquadude to please put a shirt on. Yeah, you're giving him electro-chub. Aquadude says that he swims faster when he's naked. Ew. "I bet you do," says Bionic Brother. BB swims much slower when he's naked, but let's not indulge that particular stereotype. "You're lucky I've still got my pants on!" says Aquadude proudly. Ignore the script, Aquadude! Please! BB jacks into the system with his arm-port. His eye does the R2-D2 thing. He's just programmed the commercial break.
Oliver, sneaking behind a lone guard, puts another explosive device on a girder. Chloe tells him that Clark has located Impulse.
Clark, in the speed chamber, throws some guards aside, and then sees Impulse running in circles. He uses his vision to slow down the action and dives, shoulder-first, through the glass, grabbing Impulse and landing on the other side. The electricity in the chamber flashes brightly. Clark asks if the boy is all right. Impulse, sweaty and with a bloody nose, smiles weakly. "Muy bueno, amigo," he says. Clark nods.
Lex is in a Ridge Facility hallway, and he's not happy. Alarms are going off everywhere. Lex yells into his push-to-talk phone, "I don't care! I want a level 1 lockdown. Nobody gets in or out." Green Arrow, down the hall and behind Lex, says that it's too late for that. He tells Lex that he has ten minutes to get his people out before the place is blown off the map. This place is on a map? "You!" spits Lex, as they teach in Evil Bad Guy Academy. "You remember? I'm touched," says Green Arrow. Lex says that it's hard to forget since, the last time they met, Oliver put an arrow in Lex's chest. Green Arrow says that Lex put a bullet in his: "Bygones?" "Go to hell," Lex answers. Green Arrow pulls back his bow and fires and arrow: "You first." The arrow flies. It grazes Lex on the right cheek and hits a pipe behind him, sending steam flying spilling out everywhere. Lex touches his bloody cheek. He looks up, and Green Arrow is gone.
More alarms. Clark asks Impulse if he can super-speed. Impulse says that he just needs a minute to catch his breath. They find Green Arrow, who says he'll have to do that later. He radios Bionic Brother and Aquadude, saying, "Rendezvous alpha confirmed." He asks Chloe wheter LuthorCorp's people have all cleared the building. Chloe, looking at a heat-signature map, says that they've all moved out and gone north. Clark asks what he's doing. Green Arrow asks if Clark wants any more of his friends to end up in there. Impulse says that he votes no on that. Clark thinks about it, and asks Chloe whether she's sure everyone is out of the building. "100% positive," Chloe replies. Clark, reluctantly, says, "All right. Let's do it." He thought you'd never ask.
We cut to a distant shot, through a chain-link fence, of the building blowing up. The five heroes are walking slowly in silhouette. Chloe sees the building blow up on her heat map. From left to right, your Justice League Heroes are...Li'l Impulse Flashmier! (Raaaah!) Leathery Green Phallic Arrow! (Raaaah!) Farmboy in Flannel Clark Mopey Kent! (Tiny rah.) Wet 'n Ready Bro Aquadude! (Loud grunts!) And Smooth Electro Sex Machine Bionic Brother! (Raaaah! Underwear thrown on stage!) Ladies and gentlemen, I give you your 2007 CWTV Teen Heroes (as played by men in their twenties)! Let's give it up! Tighter close-up as more fire explodes, singeing no one. Even tighter close-up on Clark. He's quite the fireball, that one.
Commercials. Please, Ron Livingston, get off my commercial break and get back into some decent movies.
Clock tower, daytime. Oliver tells someone on his cell phone that he wants his jet fueled and ready to go as soon as possible. Lois, dragging in a huge suitcase and carry-on, says she hopes the plane has lots of lift, because her bag weighs a ton. Oh yeah...about that.... Oliver doesn't say anything. Lois asks if he's packed yet: "Where's your stuff?" Oliver looks over at his secret clock compartment, but still doesn't answer. Lois tells him not to say what she thinks he's going to say. Oliver says that he has to go away on business. Lois puts down her carry-on as sad music starts to play. She tells him to postpone it. He says it's not that simple. She says that nothing with him ever is: "You're like two completely different people. There's the charming romantic guy that I fell in love with, and then there's this other guy who can't stick around in one place long enough to see what he's missing." Oliver pulls out the sympathy card: "Ever since my parents died..." he starts, and women all over the country groan. Oliver says that he's jumped from place to place, and in all those years, he never regretted leaving anyone. Er...cool? "Then I met you," he concludes. Lois squints slightly to try to convey deep inner pain. She takes a step forward and tells him, "Then stay." He can't. He says that there are more important things in this world than what he wants and what he loves. Lois wants to cry. Oliver says that he hopes someday he can explain why. Lois tells him not to expect her to wait around for that, and walks away. "I'm not coming back, Lois," Oliver tells her. He says that it won't be anytime soon, at least. Lois starts to cry a bit. Oliver apologizes: "I never wanted to hurt you." This is pretty douchey right here. It's not like Lois has a real job right now. Can't he take her for a trip somewhere and then bring her back later? Or meet her in Monte Carlo for one night? Lois says that Oliver finally got around to hurting her anyway. Oliver says that this is it, and asks if this is the moment he's going to regret for the rest of his life. "Yes," says Lois, but she kisses him anyway. Lois says that she loved him. They stand there holding each other. Lois finally breaks the embrace and goes out the elevator. Want to take your bags? No? You know he's just going to give all that lingerie to someone else.
Lair of Lex. Lex is having a stiff drink and nursing his cheek wound. Papa Luthor is lecturing him, pointing out all that's gone wrong. Impulse is gone. A multimillion-dollar installation is destroyed. 33.1 is compromised. Papa says that at least Lex found out that "the Jolly Green Archer" (what is it with that joke? We get it, SDK) and his "extraordinary cohorts" aren't your run-of-the-mill adversaries. Lex says that's all the more reason to continue with 33.1: if terrorists like Green Arrow are recruiting people with abilities, the only way to protect freedom and democracy is to fight fire with fire. How patriotic! Papa Luthor calls bullshit, and says he didn't think Lex's goals were so lofty. Lex says there's a lot that escapes Papa's attention in his declining years. As he goes to get another drink, Lex adds that the security footage was destroyed (ever heard of an online backup?), but that the guards said one of Green Arrow's accomplices sounded like Clark Kent. How the hell would they know what Clark sounds like? Papa, thinking fast, says that's impossible. Lex says that word always pops up when discussing Clark. Papa Luthor lies that it wasn't Clark; he was with Clark at the Kents' the night before, while it was happening. He says that MamaKent made pot roast with new potatoes and tiny, little baby carrots, and gushes, "It was delicious. Clark had three helpings." Magnificent! And savory! Lex is so pissed. Papa tells him not to worry: Lex has plenty of enemies plotting his downfall. Papa exits, leaving Lex speechless.
Kent Farm. The cows actually liked this episode. Chloe walks into the barn, finishing a cell-phone conversation. She tells Clark that the Daily Planet is running with a story that the LuthorCorp plant was vacant, and destroyed by a gas explosion. They waited a whole day to do that story? "'Vacant'?" asks Clark. He says that the LuthorCorp cover-up machine is in full swing. Not a good metaphor mix, there, big guy. In the background, Aquadude is fondling a horse's nose. Chloe, hanging with all the guys, says that at least they got Impulse out before he was run into an early grave. Impulse says that he had plenty of juice left. "Could'a fooled me, the way you cleaned out MamaKent's fridge," says Bionic Brother. "MamaKent?" Shout-out? Impulse pops BB on the chest and says that he likes to stay fueled up. Impulse zips over to sit to Chloe, saying he's there in case he needs to spring into action. "I still have a boyfriend," Chloe tells him. "A man can dream, can't he?" Impulse replies. "Now you know why we call him Impulse," Aquadude interjects. Groan. Can't we just keep that guy underwater so he won't talk? Clark rattles off their code names, and asks what they call their team. Impulse gets up, saying that they need to come up with something cool. "I was thinking of something with the word 'Justice' in it," says Oliver. He says that's what Lex is gonna get a big dose of. That or "Cock League." Oliver holds up a green-glowing flash drive and says that Aquadude and BB were able to hack into the mainframe, before they blew it up, and retrieved some info. BB praises his own hacking abilities. Clark asks what they found out. Oliver says that they're starting up divisions of 33.1 all over the world; they'll pop up wherever there are people with abilities. Clark says that they can't let that happen. "We won't," says Oliver. He says that their first target is on the island of Corto Maltese, adding that they all know the drill. He says that they'll leave in thirty minutes, and tells them to get their gear. Impulse asks if Clark is coming. Aquadude says he has to. BB says that they could use the big guns. Oliver says that Clark would be a major asset to the team. What about Chloe? Everyone looks to Clark. He says he wants to be a part of this, but that he's got to take care of that problem he caused first. "This isn't the end of the story, Clark," Oliver tells him, over heroic music. They shake hands. "This is just the beginning," says Oliver, adding a curt "Chloe," by way of dismissal. "Come on, boys!" he says. "Let's go save the world!" Come on, ladies! Strap up those knickers! The bros all walk in slow motion out of the sun-bathed barn. Chloe and Clark watch. "You know, you have some pretty amazing friends, Clark Kent," Chloe tells him. Clark looks at her. "Yeah. I do," he agrees. Tight close-up on Clark, smiling. We go to blackout.