Dirty Pool

S06E10

So, let's get the elephant in the room out of the way first: Tori! Tori! Tori! Yes, faithful readers, the late Aaron Spelling's darling disinherited ungulate guest-stars this evening as a somewhat wall-eyed, and definitely cow-faced, harridan of a gossip columnist at The Daily Planet, possessed of the rather unusual ability to turn herself into a distressingly gelatinous puddle of clear goo at a moment's notice. This "Linda Lake" -- get it? -- primarily deploys her power in search of scandalous scoop for the rag, but also manages to drown Metropolis's version of Barry Bonds in all of about two inches of water. In bigger news -- because the goings-on in Lana's uterus naturally trump minor matters like manslaughter -- Lake breaks the news of Lex's proposal to his squirrelly paramour in the paper, which leads of course to much photogenic tearing of hair and rending of clothes and gnashing of teeth from everyone involved. Well, not Lex so much with the tearing of the hair, but you know what I mean. Lana, who confided her doubts about the situation to Chloe while Linda lurked in a nearby water cooler, huffily accuses Chloe of snitching, or whatever, but the two quickly reconcile in order to expose Linda Lake for the Kryptofreak she truly is. This leads to a fairly awesome catfight between Linda and Chloe -- with a nail gun, even! -- that ends when Lana conveniently rams her SUV into the watery wretch just as the latter's about to poke through Chloe's jugular with a spike. Linda seeps away into the city sewer system, though, so she might be back some day. Elsewhere, fifty-three-year-old Lois Lane teams up with a surprisingly delightful Jimmy to unmask The Green Arrow as her boy toy, but Clark and The Queen pull a frisky little switcheroo at the last instant to throw Lois off the trail. Oh, and a knocked-up Lana agrees to have Lex make an honest woman of her, despite the fact that she's still in love with Clark. Don't worry about that, Lana -- so's your husband-to-be!

Hey, everybody. Did you have a nice holiday? It's a whole new year! My New Year's resolution: I'm bringing the sexy back. Not mine. Just random sexy. Hey, clean thongs! Seeeexy.

The (sexy) new episode begins with a pretty hot nighttime view of the Metropolis bay-line. Oh yeah. This is smokin', people. An elevator door opens, and a woman wearing a pair of sexy black boots walks out. She strides silkily down the halls of the Daily Planet. I like where this is going! Too sexy! We get other views of the woman. She's wearing a long white-and-black coat and carrying a stack of folders. She's a blonde. Hey, that's all pretty sexy so far. Jaunty music plays. The woman throws down the folders in front of (sexy) Chloe's desk and says that she needs eleven copies of each before her macchiato goes arctic. We finally see her face. NOOOOO! It's Tori Spelling! The sexy has died! So quickly! My New Year's resolution! Finished! Ah, well. I didn't think there was any way I could keep this going once Lois appears later, anyway. Tori Damned Unsexy Spelling whispers under her breath that assistants just don't have the stamina they used to. Chloe goes around her desk to stand up and tell "Ms. Lake" that she's not an assistant. She's a reporter. Tori turns her evil head and bears down on Chloe. She says, "Unfortunately..." and then looks down at the "Chloe Sullivan" nameplate on the desk. She snidely calls Chloe "Sullivan," and tells her that what matters is that she can see Gotham from her new office and that Chloe is below sea level. Chloe sighs that she'd rather snorkel for the rest of her life than destroy a man's life based on a rumor. She holds up an ugly high school newspaper-looking Section B front page that reads, "The Daily Dish with Linda Lake." It features a photo of a young man and the word "STEROIDS" with the "I" in the shape of a needle. This is really, really bad page design. A guy I know from work, G.W., would throw up if he saw this. Tori grabs the paper and throws it on the desk. She says that she only prints the truth, and that it's on the front page of section B every week. I don't know of a lot of major newspapers that would print a gossip column on a B section front. Even the New York Post puts their stuff inside, Page Six. Tori storms out. The camera zooms in on the photo of the athlete.

Outside, Tori is walking down the street and telling someone on the phone that she knows the guy is a "juicer" and that she can smell the fresh ink of tomorrow's paper. I guess what Chloe was holding was an early print run copy, then. Tori tells the person on the phone that they wanted her to have her finger on the pulse of the city; she just hit an artery. This town needs a proctologist! A man walks up to Tori as she finishes her conversation. It's the athlete from the newspaper story. "Well if it isn't the steroid stallion," says Tori, unsympathetically. She stands under an umbrella as he, all wet, stands miserable in the rain. She asks if he doesn't have some muscle cocktail mixing to do. "You ruined my life!" he bellows. She makes an annoyed kissy face. The Sexy just rolled over in its red silk-lined grave. The athlete notes that Tori doesn't even care. She "Oh, puh-leeze,"-es him, and says that if he didn't want to get "red-rovered" by the media, he shouldn't have stuck that needle in his tush. This lady talks dumb. There's an extreme close-up on the guy's pale face as he says she's so quick to get high and mighty. She's destroyed enough lives and he's not going to let her destroy any more. Before he so much as extends a pinky, Tori drops her umbrella and runs. The guy just watches her coldly and follows her. Very slowly.

Tori runs. The guy follows, picking up speed. He tries to find her amid anonymous building fronts. He sees something bubble in a courtyard water fountain. Steroid Athlete walks closer to the fountain. A gel-like clear substance floats along the top of the water, and then slides off the edge of the fountain and into a lower pool of water. It bubbles below the surface. Steroid athlete stares into the water. It also stares back at him. A big hand made of water reaches out and grabs him, pulling him into the shallow not quite abyss-al fountain. COLD! The athlete flails in the water. Tries to breathe. Fails. The music gets loud. He spasms, and then drowns in the shallow water. With any luck, he'll go to heaven and smack Aaron Spelling across the mouth himself. The camera cranes back overhead. Death be not dry.

Opening credits. Commercials. Very long preview of Disturbia. Ah, I see that Shia LaBeouf hasn't aged at all since The Battle Of Shaker Heights.

Back to Metropolis at night. It's storming. Chloe opens a door to a dank office in the offices of The Daily Planet. Lana follows. Chloe says that Lana surely didn't cancel her social calendar to come discuss Chloe's investigative work into the dwindling pigeon population. Before she can be more playful, Lana interjects that Lex proposed to her. Chloe, who was turning on some lights, freezes and says, "...and?" Lana says that she hasn't given Lex an answer yet. Chloe guesses that went over well. Lana says that they're in a great place, but that when she heard the words, she couldn't make herself say yes. Chloe -- whose hair is really big and poofy this week -- asks if it was something like Clark that caused that reaction. Lana says that when she was with Clark, she would have said yes without hesitating. And that would have been the worst marriage ever. Wait, no...Britney and K-Fed. All right, second worst marriage ever. Close second. Lana says she thought that chapter of her life was over. So did we, Lana. So the fuck did we. Hesitantly, Chloe steps forward and suggests that Lana talk to Clark directly so that she can close the book forever. Close it! We're begging over here! Lana has to think on that one. "Let's go," says Chloe, taking Lana out of the room to who knows where. A nearby water cooler bubbles. Oh no! The water has ears!

The Talon. Jimmy Olsen walks out through the back looking a bit shifty-eyed. He skulks by the dumpster and sees a woman. "ScoopGirl?" Jimmy asks. "Hotshot485?" the girl replies. It's Lois. Oh, jeez. Who forgot to put the trashy girl in the Dumpster? (Hey, Tom Welling directed this episode. Congrats, dude.) Lois's smile fades when she sees Jimmy. "You've gotta be kidding me!" she says, tactfully. Jimmy, bemused, says that he's not the one trolling the internet all night for Green Arrow pics. Indeed. "Don't you have a boyfriend?" he asks. Lois gives him a dirty look and asks if he's got the photos. He asks if she has the cash. Where's Lois getting disposable income? Lois exchanges cash for an envelope, asking how Jimmy was the one photographer in Metropolis to get photos of the "merry archer." Jimmy says that he has his connections. "No, really," Lois insists. Jimmy says that he hung out in Suicide Slums for a long time, with his pepper spray and his doors locked. Lois isn't impressed with the photos: "A bunch of arms and legs? Nice work, hotshot!" She gets mad at Jimmy for not managing to capture a single face shot. The least he could have done was take a picture of Green Arrow getting out of his car with his vagina flashing. Lois says all these photos tell her is that Green Arrow needs a Band-Aid; one of the pictures shows a nasty gash on Green Arrow's left arm, near the shoulder. Jimmy shrugs.

By Omar G

Chloe, wearing sweats, is in the Talon dining area. She picks up a section of The Daily Planet. Tori's Linda Lake page features a headline that reads, "Luthor proposal on hold for ex-flame." A picture of Clark is featured between Lex and Lana, with a big broken heart split in two. The crazy fonts! My eyes! "Hey, Chloe," says Clark, walking over. Chloe puts down the paper, asking whether Clark has seen it. He says no. Chloe says that she can't let Clark find out from the newspaper: "Lex proposed to Lana." Clark's good morning is ruined. His smile fades. Chloe says that Lana hasn't given Lex an answer. Clark glances down at the paper. A subhead reads, "...when I was with Clark I would have said yes without hesitating." No actual quote marks appear. Clark half-smiles when he tells Chloe the article says that Lana's hesitation is because of him; he asks whether that's true. Chloe's not as amused. "If I knew better..." Clark starts hopefully. Then he shakes his head, concluding, "I know better." Then he thinks again and talks about how he tried so hard to let Lana go. Chloe just bites her lip. "If she marries Lex, there's no going back," says Clark. What is this, the seventeenth century? Ever heard of divorce? Clark asks if it's true. Chloe says she'd double-down on the fact that Lana is still in love with Clark. Even though Lana never said she was still in love with Clark, so I'm not sure why Chloe would make that leap. Clark says he can't let Lana do this, and starts to walk off. Chloe stops him and says that things are all complicated now. He asks what could be more complicated than living your life with regrets. These are some really tight close-ups. Easy, Welling. We know you got a nice face, but bring it down a notch, all right? Some of us are on heart medication. Chloe, sensing doom, watches Clark go.

Lair of Lex. Clark is standing there waiting. Clark says he was told that Lana was there. "She was," says Lex, "but I'm afraid you just missed her." Clark says that he'll come back later. Lex asks whether Clark really thinks he can talk Lana out of making the biggest mistake of her life. Clark says that Lex swooped in after he-- "After you crushed her?" Lex interrupts. Clark thinks Lex knew Lana was vulnerable and played her until she thought she was in love with him. Lex says that if Clark thinks Lana is that naïve, then he doesn't think much of her. Clark pulls out a superknife and twists it into Lex's gut: "It must be eating at you that she's hesitating, wondering why she hasn't given you an answer." That is a real asshole thing to say, even if it's true. Some hero. Lex stares coldly at Clark, and then turns away, telling the wall, "I guess it would, if I didn't know what the answer was going to be." Lex faces Clark and says he highly doubts that Lana will say no: "Now that she's carrying my child." Game, set, and impregnation! Nice one! That finally shuts Clark up. Sure, Lex had to go to the soap opera dramatics well, but what a deep and satisfying pool of water that well can draw! We go to commercials.

I got to meet the guy who does the Sonic commercials in the car (they're regional), and he is awesomely funny. You go, Sonic dude.

Overhead shot of the Planet, daytime. Chloe is holding a red mug of coffee in one hand and, in the other, a newspaper with the lead headline, "Baseball legend Dawson dies!" Really? An exclamation point? Chloe is asking Jimmy whether he really thinks Metropolis's most "worshipped meathead" was murdered. Jimmy takes offense at the slur against his childhood idol. Jimmy says that it's also the one baseball card he still can't manage to snag. "Still?" asks Chloe. Jimmy says that it's an investment. Chloe asks why Jimmy thinks it was a homicide. Jimmy says that he got the file from the obit writer, and that a guy who was larger than life dying in two feet of water just doesn't seem right. Chloe says that the guy's career was over, and that the coroner's report says he was hopped up on steroids after all. You mean the coroner's report that usually takes days or weeks to conclude? Jimmy asks whether someone on a 'roid rage is going to lie down in a koi pond and call it a day. Chloe starts to think suspicious thoughts.

Tori's fancy office. Two guys are doing some construction work, which is apparently driving her nuts. She yells at someone on a webcam connection that it was supposed to be done today. "Well, that was before you added the Zen waterfall," replies the woman on the webcam, adding that she has to get that approved. Tori tells the woman that the newspaper lives or dies by her column, and that she must have the renovations done by today or she'll be decorating bathrooms in strip malls. Tori growls, and then yells, "Get out!" The construction dudes are like, "¿Que?" Even though one's black and one's white. Lex walks through the open door. Tori adjusts her demeanor and says that there's only one reason a celebrity pays her a house call. Lex chuckles that she gets right to the point; he says he has a freelance assignment for her. Tori says that hasn't done freelance since she stopped fetching coffee for "pudgy-fingered newsroom vultures." Hey, we in the newspaper industry don't all have fingers! Lex opens up a froofy leather pocketbook, hands over a blank check, and tells her to fill in any amount she likes. He wants information about Clark and Lana. Tori -- who does not not resemble a drag queen -- smiles. It's hellascary.

Oliver's clock-tower home. Inside, Oliver is holding Lois up as she does a face-up arching the back crab thing with her body. It's the Loistus. She's wearing a sports bra and tights as she asks how long she has to do this. Just until Al and Miles leave the room. Apparently, Lois offended Oliver by calling yoga "glorified stretching with chants"; she admits that it's harder than she thought. Lois grabs Oliver by the shoulder and flips him over. She straddles him. Oliver asks if she really wants to keep talking. Lois says no, and they kiss on the rug. I hope her breath isn't as foul as her words. Lois takes off Oliver's shirt. More kissing. Lois stops when she notices a nasty gash on Oliver's arm, the same place where Green Arrow had his wound in one of the photos. Oliver didn't bother to bandage this huge wound? He says it's just a scratch. Lois asks how it happened. Oliver goes, "Ummm," convincingly, for about five minutes, and then says it was a fencing accident. Why would he need a fence for a high-rise apartment? "With a real blade?" Lois asks. Oh. That kind of fencing. Oliver says that the tip snapped off and cut him. Ouch. Lois gets up quickly, grabs her purse, thanks Oliver for the "chakra reorganizing," and excuses herself, booking it out of there. Oliver, shirtless, has gone from being The Green Arrow to being the arrow with blue balls. In the elevator, Lois hurriedly takes out the photos from the envelope to examine them again. She sees the shoulder gash.

Kent farm. Up in the barn loft, Lois is reading the paper on the couch (it takes her a while) as Clark walks up. She says she's sorry; it's bad enough to get your heart broken without having it splashed all over the newspaper. "I guess that's what reporters do, don't they?" snarks Clark. Badly. Lois says that "little zinger" bounced off Tori and hit her. Clark says he's sorry, adding that people keep secrets for a reason. Lois says that a secret is just a big loophole in the "'Thou shalt not lie' clause." That's a clause? Try commandment, jerky. Clark scoffs that there's no gray area with her. Well, there is, but they're not allowed to show it on camera. Lois says that someone she thought she knew better than anyone is keeping the biggest secret of all. Clark thinks, "Oh shits!" Lois asks what Clark would do if he found out someone close to him had a serious hero complex. Clark tries to stall while his brain tries furiously to think by way of a tiny hamster in his brain turning a wooden wheel. "Hero complex," he repeats. Lois continues, saying that surely Clark would find something wrong with someone keeping it from those the person he cared about. Clark asks who exactly they're talking about. "Green Arrow, a.k.a. Oliver Queen," says Lois. Dumbly, Clark goes, "Oliver!" Lois shows Clark the photos from Jimmy as she explains about the cut. She says that the time printed on the photos is the exact time Oliver disappeared on her the same night. Clark asks when she's going to unload her theory on Oliver. She says she needs proof first. Definitive proof. That wasn't proof enough? Lois says she thought Clark might come in handy. Ew. That sounds dirty.

Talon at night. Clark is digging through a backpack to find those same photos. Chloe walks in and turns on a light, catching him. Nice "super"-hearing, Clark. Chloe grins and scoffs. She says she's losing her scare reflex because of Clark, and calls him "Snoop Dogg" as she asks what he's doing. Chloe guesses that Clark is covering for the new pledge in his hero fraternity. Clark says that Lois has shots that could bust Oliver, taken by Jimmy. Chloe is surprised that Jimmy's involved. "I guess we all have secrets to keep," says douchey Clark. Clark gives her a dirty look, saying she should know that better than anyone right now. He turns on Chloe, accusing her of knowing that Lana was pregnant. "Clark," says Chloe, fed up. She says it's incredibly unfair that everybody unloads their secrets on her and then gives her attitude when she protects someone else's secret. Chloe says she's sorry she had to take a two-second breather from protecting the fact that Clark's an alien from another planet to protect someone else's secret for a change. She gets emotional on this last part and exclaims, "God!" as she starts to cry. Clark softens up and goes over to hug her. They hug for a while.

In the bathroom, water is filling up and spilling out of the tub. It flows under the bathroom door.

Back at the hug, Chloe mutters that Clark had that coming. Clark nods in agreement. "For the record," Clark adds, "I prefer 'intergalactic traveler' over 'alien from another planet.'" Chloe laughs. See the last episode for political correctness gone horribly awry.

The water in the door crack recedes, and then somehow opens the door as it turns into the shape of Tori. Ack! Scary! We go to commercials on one of the most frightening images ever shown on this program.

Commercials. Stomp The Yard. You guys know I invented stepping, right? I was having a tantrum as a baby and started stomping around. The rest is history. Check out my steppin': (Stomp, stomp, stomp, step, somersault.) See? My moves are tight!

Just outside The Daily Planet. Chloe comes out through the front entrance. She finds Lana sitting just outside at a little café table. No reporter thought to sit down and talk to Lana? Chloe thanks Lana for finally returning one of her phone calls. Lana asks how much her personal life boosts newspaper sales these days. She also refers to herself in the third person, which is a little disturbing coming from someone who already gets way too much attention. Chloe says she was expecting that, but that she was hoping Lana would give her the benefit of the doubt. Lana says that the article recounted their conversation verbatim. Chloe asks whether Lana really thinks Chloe would betray her like that. Lana asks what other explanation there could be. Chloe says she's not sure, but that the Lana she knows would give her a chance to find one. Lana says that, after Clark, she's so jaded she doesn't know what to expect from her friends anymore. Chloe asks about the conversation with Clark. Lana doesn't know what she's talking about. Chloe says that Clark went to see her. Then she stops herself and suggests that she put a bag over her own head that reads, "If you want to keep a secret, don't tell me." Lana asks what Clark wanted to say. Chloe suggests that the two of them "OK Corral" themselves. Huh? Lana apologizes for not trusting Chloe. She says she doesn't understand how her personal life is being leaked into Tori's column. Chloe says that the woman's newsgathering techniques aren't exactly ethical. She shows Lana a story with the headline "Reporter caught in meteor shower." Apparently, Tori went missing a week after the meteors hit. Chloe says she might have a plan to catch their resident voyeur.

Kent barn. Lois shows up, saying that she got Clark's emergency call. She asks what's up. Clark says he's decided that her Oliver theory isn't so crazy, and that if it's true, she deserves to know the truth. Lois says she's been thinking about it on her own, and that maybe she doesn't want to know. Maybe she just got off on the wrong foot with Green Arrow, and the whole "rob from the rich, give to the poor" thing must win him some points. Clark asks if she's feeling all right. Lois says no; she thinks she's in love with Oliver. She says she doesn't know how Clark let Lana go if he felt like this, because she'd be willing to accept Oliver even if he was from another planet and would chalk it up to an endearing quirk. Good to know. Clark aptly compares Lois to a pit bull on a pant leg, and says she's never going to let this go until she knows the truth. "I hate that you know me like that," grouses Lois. Clark half-smiles. Lois says she can't just "pull a Lois" and ambush him: "What if I'm wrong?" Clark says that there may be a way not to confront Oliver.

Oliver's tower at night. Lois has a few rented videos as Oliver is making drinks. Apparently, they're throwing some kind of party. Clark arrives as the first guest. He's carrying a big bag of rancho popcorn in a clear plastic sack. Clark thanks Oliver for having him over. He notices that there are no snacks and sarcastically says she went all out. Lois says it's not a party without... "Oh no," she says. She forgot the ice. Doesn't Oliver have an ice maker in his million-dollar pad? Lois says that you can't have cocktails without ice. "Don't worry. Yours will be virgin," she tells Clark. Oliver starts to go, but Lois rushes to the elevator and says she'll get it. "Think she suspects anything?" Oliver asks after Lois has gone. Clark says she's preoccupied. Oliver says that it's showtime. Oh no. That's usually code for "Big, dumb idea, possibly involving similarly large and dumb alien." Oliver uses the remote to open up his big, green, gay closet. You don't even need to give Clark an invitation to get him in there. Clark eyes the closet. Oh, the sweet secrets of the warm, embracing closet! It's the Gayest Look of the Episode. Both Clark and Oliver hope Lois is gone for a long time.

Lois, carrying a bag of ice, walks down the street while talking on her cell. She's faking distress, saying that ten guys are following her down an alley. I hope Oliver has already been able to figure out when Lois is faking. Lois bangs her cell phone on a Dumpster (again with Lois and a Dumpster; are the writers trying to tell us something?) and calls for help. She accidentally breaks her cell phone. "Good one, Lois," she tells herself. Just then, some actual street toughs emerge. "Need some help?" one of them asks. They're after her ice! Someone falls down on one of the guys. Lois hits another guy with her big bag of ice. Ice flies everywhere. They didn't actually do anything yet, ya know. They might have actually been trying to help. The guy who jumped down turns out to be Jimmy. He wrestles with one of the (presumed) criminals, punching the guy and hurting his hand. He complains to Lois that he didn't know there were going to be real thugs. Lois says that they made an impromptu appearance. The dudes get up and grab both Lois and Jimmy. One of them socks Jimmy in the mouth. A whole other person lands on top of a Dumpster. It's Green Arrow! Sorta! "Let her go!" yells Green Arrow in his low electronic voice. He jumps down and starts some static. Throws one criminal into a sign. Clumsily grabs an arrow and aims it at the others. They run away. He helps Lois up. Jimmy grabs his camera. Lois says, "Your secret's safe with me, Oliver." She kisses him. Jimmy snaps some photos. Lois realizes mid-kiss that it's not Oliver. Because Oliver is standing right behind her. Lois slaps "Green Arrow." (Who is actually Clark in disguise.) Lois smiles at Oliver. "Green Arrow/Clark" whooshes out. Jimmy snaps some photos. "Did you just call him 'Oliver'?" Oliver asks. Lois says that it was just a hunch. On the corner, Clark takes off the corny sunglasses and hood. Revealed! He smiles, loving the feel of another man's leather.

Commercials. Employee Of The Month on DVD. Don't watch it, now for a second time!

Chloe is in Tori's office. She's set up a webcam chat with Lana from Tori's computer. Lana is amazed that it's so easy! Chloe asks how her pearly megapixels are looking. Lana is somehow doing this from her car, which just seems wrong. Lana says that since they're doing some digital eavesdropping, Chloe should see what the gossip lady has on Lex and Lana. Chloe finds a column that reads, "Farmboy from another planet." One quick thing: this story has already been laid out. So people on the copy desk, the assigning editor desk, and the design desk have already seen this story as it's had its contents edited, headline written, and layout completed. So the secret's out. Just sayin'. Chloe is stunned by the story. Lana asks what's wrong. "Like tomorrow's headline?" Tori asks, scaring Chloe out of her chair as she walks in. Tori says she thought it was just professional jealousy, but it seems Chloe was hiding quite a devastating secret. Chloe remembers the webcam and asks why Tori would stake her reputation on tabloid garbage not fit for The Inquisitor, and that nobody will believe her. Tori says that she has a very trustworthy source: Chloe. Tori sits in front of the computer, in view of the webcam. She says she's impressed that Chloe was able to sit on a story that could have earned her a major headline, and that Chloe protected her friend. Chloe says that's not a hard decision when you actually like someone. Tori says it's values like that that will keep you in the basement. "Don't you just love the internet?" Tori asks. Eh. The porn is good, but everything else is just meh sometimes. Chloe notices a hammer sitting nearby. Tori says that, with one click of a button, she could publish this story and be on every major talk show. She holds out a finger and says that everyone in the world will know that her farmboy friend is.... Chloe smashes the laptop with the hammer before Tori can finish. Sparks fly. Tori screams. Lana shuts off her computer and drives. Tori slaps Chloe. "Alien!" she finishes. Chloe thinks Tori's credibility will sink when people find out about Steroid Guy's murder. Tori says he drowned. Chloe, looking pretty ragged right now, says that those police officers aren't from Smallville. She asks if Tori remembers Smallville. She says that Tori was a reporter from a TV station whose van got too close to Crater Lake and fell in. Chloe thinks Tori came out with a special ability. Tori eyes a nearby nailgun. Chloe doesn't think the athlete was Tori's first victim, either. "Nobody likes an overachiever," says Tori, going for the nailgun. Chloe runs out of the room. Tori shoots, barely missing, and gives chase. She fires, but the gun is now empty. Chloe falls back into an opening elevator. Tori runs at it, but the doors close too quickly.

Outside. Chloe emerges from the Daily Planet building. She crosses the street. The camera spins around Chloe, as water pools around her feet. Tori is suddenly there. She punches Chloe, throwing her headfirst into a newspaper machine. Chloe elbows Tori, diving on her, and they both fall into the street. Hair pulling. Punching. Tori grabs a solar lamp from the ground and tries to attack Chloe. Chloe falls and kicks Tori back over her, sending her flying into the street. Lana drives by, and Tori hits her windshield. She turns into water, spraying the car. Lana stops. There are no other cars nearby. That girl was all wet. No, wait! That girl was so rich she had a high level of liquidity. One more! For someone so decisive, it's strange that she turned out to be so wishy-washy. Lana gets out of the car and goes to Chloe, saying that the woman came out of nowhere. Chloe says that it's all right; she's gone now. Chloe checks her hurt face while Lana stands to her friend. Water runs down the windshield of Lana's car and down the hood. It dribbles down to the street and goes down a sewer grate. Smell ya later, Spelling.

Daily Planet. Chloe is checking her sore jaw in a compact mirror. Jimmy walks in, carrying his camera bag. Chloe asks how the secret adventures of Lois and Jimmy are going. "Busted," he says. She notices that he got hit in the face. "You should see the other guy," he tells her. Jimmy notices three gashes on Chloe's left cheek. He asks what happened. Chloe tells him to put his dueling pistol away; it was just a workplace scuffle. Does she work at the WWE? Chloe says that Jimmy was right about Tori. Jimmy jokes that they're 2-for-2 tonight. He excitedly sits down in front of a computer and plugs in his camera's memory card. He says he's got pictures of the Green Arrow he wants Chloe to see, face and all, and this one's not yet rated. The first pictures to come up are the kiss with Lois. "Ooh. I feel dirty," says Chloe. Jimmy tells her to imagine how Oliver must feel. He blabs on about Clark and Lois's clever plan, and how Oliver had to "catch her suckin' lip with leather daddy." Does that count as gay? Jimmy shows the photo of Clark-as-Green-Arrow and Lois kissing as Oliver calmly walks up to them. Jimmy prepares Chloe for the "real money shot." He tells her to get ready to meet the real Green Arrow. Jimmy clicks. It's a photo of the empty alley. He says "No!" about a hundred times, and insists that this is not happening. It really is, man. Sorry to tell you. Jimmy says he had the dude's face in the crosshairs, and asks how he could be there one second, gone the . Wouldn't the shot still have shown the guy in a mask? How would it be any more conclusive than the kissing picture? "'Gone' as in 'faster than a thousandth-of-a-second shutter speed'?" Chloe asks. Jimmy says he thought Green Arrow was super-cool, not superhuman. Chloe conveys with her face that she knows exactly what happened, as Jimmy continues to struggle with the computer. Chloe grins.

The Talon. Chloe welcomes Clark in the door and says she was just hearing about the night before from Lois. Lois, sipping on a cup of coffee, says that she doesn't know where Clark disappeared to the night before, but that she was wrong about Oliver. Chloe makes a big production of saying that they're wrong about the Green Arrow, and that Clark was way off-base about him. Chloe says the craziest thing was that he chucked a guy toward a sign and then super-sped away. She's giving Clark grief about not letting her in on his little plan. "I mean, who does that?" Chloe asks, loudly. Clark goes, "Hmph." Clark says it's a good thing Oliver showed up so she'd know for sure. Chloe says she knew before that happened. "You did?" Clark asks. Chloe eggs Clark on to ask Lois how she knew. "I kissed him," says Lois. "Isn't that romantic?" Chloe gushes. Clark looks like somebody punched him in the gut. Chloe urges Lois to finish the story. Clark tries to interrupt, but Chloe puts a sharp hand to his chest. She says this is the best part: Green Arrow was holding Lois in his arms. Lois stands and says that Oliver is a good kisser, but that this Green Arrow guy could teach Ollie a thing or two. Yowza! Lois takes a sip of coffee. Clark stares at her. Chloe nods happily, as if this isn't totally skeevy to her. Clark raises an eyebrow. Chloe gives him a saucy look. Oh, just all sleep together, already. We go to commercials on a jaunty musical note.

Oliver Queen is coming soon to your cell phone. You may want to not pick up the call.

Daily Planet. Lois is sitting at Chloe's desk, waiting for her. Chloe, carrying coffee, says that Lana left early the night before. She asks if Lana is all right. Lana, in Suspicious Squirrel mode, says she keeps running the night before through her head. Chloe says that Lana shouldn't blame herself for what happened. Lana accusingly says, "That part I'm pretty clear on." Chloe says that nobody wanted to see Tori die, but that if Lana hadn't shown up, it would have been her obit on the front page. "Maybe. Of section D," Chloe jokes. Lana's not amused. She eyes Chloe curiously. Chloe thanks Lana. "How do you do that?" says Lana. "Just brush it under the rug as if nothing happened." Chloe says that Tori isn't the first freak of nature to go psycho. Lana stands, approaches Chloe, and says she's talking about whatever it is that Chloe is hiding about Clark. Dramatic music plays. Chloe walks around Lana, saying she doesn't know what Lana is talking about. "Yes, you do," Lana tells her. Chloe pretends to use her computer. "Some secret about a farmboy?" Lana asks. Lana says that Chloe took a hammer to a computer before she could hear the rest, but that she's not that naïve. She asks whether Clark and Chloe really expect her to keep looking the other way. Chloe smiles as she lies, saying that Tori was just grasping at straws and looking for another story. Lana starts to walk away in disgust. "Lana," says Chloe, "I would never do anything to hurt you." Lana, shocked, says that's what Clark always says. Psycho strings play. Chloe looks sad and hurt.

Kent barn. Clark sits, staring at a photo of himself and Lana. He picks up the newspaper. Lana walks in. Could this be the last barn scene with Clark and Lana ever? Oh, please, God, let it be so. She says she's sorry Clark had to find out like this. Clark closes a folder to hide the photo. He says it's all right, and that Lana doesn't have to tell him every little detail of her life. Lana comes up the last steps to the loft, saying that a proposal is more than a little detail. She says that, as messed up as it is, Clark is the first person she wanted to tell. Yes, Lana. You are absolutely right. That's pretty fucked up. Clark coldly asks if that's supposed to make him feel better. Asshole. Lana reminds Clark that he said he didn't love her anymore. She tried to cut everything off, but she's not made that way. She says that even if they're not talking, Clark is still a part of her life; she won't try to deny it anymore. She says she's trying to put it in perspective. "I guess we both need to do that," says Clark. He makes a mental note to figure out what the word "perspective" means later. Lana steps forward. She says she heard Clark wanted to come talk to her, and asks what it was about: "Whatever secret Chloe is helping you protect, Clark, please...just once." Lana sounds like she's about to cry. Clark takes a breath. Lana, near tears, whimpers, "Just trust me." Clark almost breaks down, but then looks away and decides to lie again: "Doesn't matter now." Lana asks him not to do that. Clark looks back at her and says he knows about the baby. Lex told him. Lana has tears in her eyes. Clark says that everything's changed. Lana asks if that applies to what he told her about looking back and regretting the past every day -- has that changed, too? Clark doesn't answer. Lana catches herself, and says she supposes she can't ask Clark to see her the same way. She walks away. "Lana," says Clark, as she's already halfway down the stairs, "I hope Lex makes you very happy." Lana doesn't know how to take that. So she walks out. Clark sits back down. He looks at the Daily Planet story with him, standing between Lana and Lex.

We cut to the came story being viewed by Lana at the castle. She stares at it, sadly. Lex comes into the room. "Million dollars for your thoughts," he says. He apologizes, saying that his comic timing is the first to go, after his nerves. Lex says that, in all his life, he's never made an offer being afraid of the answer. Till now. Lana says that Lex has been so patient. Lex says it doesn't feel like it. Lana says she went to see Clark. Lex looks surprised. I guess he called off his spies. "And?" he asks. "And I love him," says Lana. Dagger! Through Lex's heart. "I love both of you. And maybe I always will," Lana adds. Ugh. This scene. Painful. Lex is disappointed. He gulps. Lana says that she couldn't say yes to Lex knowing she might look back with regrets. She says that Lex deserves better than that. Lex says that, with the life he's led, he goes to bed every night praying he doesn't get what he deserves. He says you get bitter and vengeful, then you meet someone who's so good (oh, yak) she might be the one person who can learn to love you; he'd wait forever for that. Lana shakes her head: "You don't have to. I'm done looking back." She says she has someone right in front of her whom she knows trusts her. He lets her see sides of him nobody else does. Lex asks for clarification. "Yes, Lex Luthor," says Lana, tearful and smiling, "I will marry you." They hug. No kiss. Wonderment music plays. We go to blackout.

By Omar G

Oliver Queen is coming soon to your cell phone. You may want to not pick up the call.

By Omar G

week: the Justice League! This one's supposed to be great, so don't miss it.