On his quest to track down and capture escaped Phantom "Zoners," Clark travels to Seattle (er, Seattle, British Colombia?) to investigate a case of sailors and dock workers who literally had the bones sucked out of them. Anyhoo, Clark poses as a medical student (ha!) then a coroner (ha ha!) to find clues. The culprit is a giant dude with sweet fronts who is pulling the bones out and drinking the delicious marrow. Mmm, bone marrow (drool).... Clark tries his crest on the thug, but it turns out it doesn't work because the guy's not a phantom. Before Clark can get his ass kicked further, someone else attacks the Zoner, killing him. It's a giant green dude in a cape who eats Oreos. I don't want to ruin it, but...Martian Manhunter! In the other storyline, Lex is transformed into an electronic frequency by a former resident of Floor 33.1, a KryptoVillain who is trying to expose the secret lab. As Lex is stuck in his frequency, he can see and hear Lana, but she can't see or hear him. Much lovey-dovey "I miss you! I love you!" sentiments are exchanged as Lana tries to get him back. She spills the beans about being pregnant. Lex is thrilled because he wuvs Lana. And she wuvs him, too. Jimmy busts out his dad's old radio equipment to pick up the frequency (Kenneth) and the KryptoVillain is killed by Lex and a knife in a decidedly old school way. Lana tells Lex she's cool with the evil things that may or may not have happened in Floor 33.1. Papa Luthor moves the lab while Lex is all static and afterward demands to be made a partner in the experiments as a condition of sharing the new location. Lex, moved beyond all reason by Lana's deep and sudden love for him, decides to get his woo on. He brings Lana into his office, which is full of candles and flowers, and proposes to her with a very expensive ring. Pregnancy. A wedding proposal. I think the last ingredient for jumping the shark is The Great Gazoo.
This episode is all that stands between me and a three-week break. So, bring it on, Smallville. I'm not afraid of you or your caption-less broadcast. (By the way, thanks to Scott for sending me the closed caption text via his HDTV computer set-up. Obviously, his science is way tight.)
Stately Luthor Manor at night. According to a bedside clock, it's past midnight. The camera pans across a dark room where Lana lies in bed, eyes open. It's past Thanksgiving. Shouldn't she be hibernating by now? There's a soft knock at the door. Someone opens it. Wow, those are beautiful French doors. I wonder if the rest of the castle is this nice. I wonder if we'll ever know.
Lex comes in. Lana pulls back her lip in what could be a mild smile or vague discomfort. It could even be gas. Lex strides over and asks, "What are you doing awake?" Dude, you're the one who knocked. He asks what's wrong. Lana says that she has a lot on her mind. You know. Pink. Aliens. Pregnancy. The billions of dollars at her disposal. I suppose that might keep someone awake at night. "Does it concern us?" Lex asks, sounding very worried. Lana shakes her head a tiny bit. Lex comes closer. He says he knows Lana has had her doubts and has wondered if she can trust Lex. He gives Lana his word that she can, and says he'll always be there for her. When the rain starts to fall. Like he's been there before. 'Cause he's there for you, too. "Always," says Lex, creeping Lana out. "I know," she weakly whispers, smiling wanly. This is where, if it were my wife, I'd say, "Get up, woman! We're going to Whataburger for some milkshakes!" That always seems to work. Not sensing that this is going anywhere, Lex says that Lana has no idea how much she means to him. She's just so, so amazing. Goddamn, I am in awe and so totally jealous of Lex for scoring such a catch. He's a billionaire, but somehow he managed to find the absolute perfect unemployed woman of his dreams in a small town in Kansas. Lucky devil. It's practically TomKatian. Lana looks very pained. Lex finally gets the message: "In an ideal world, I was looking for some sort of response, but...it's okay. It's late. We're both tired."
Lex starts to walk out. Lana says, "Lex," but is cut off by a very loud siren. Three guys with flashlights and guns suddenly bust into the room. Damn, what if Lex had been getting his groove on at that moment? How mortifying! "There's been a breach!" one of them tells Lex. "If only," Lex thinks. This must be a great security team: it took them six whole seasons to get to the mansion. "What's the code?" Lex asks. "142," the guard tells him. Lana asks what that means. It was the position he was going to try before they were so rudely interrupted. Lex says that everything will be fine. The room is bathed in red light now, as if someone invited Roxanne over.
Lex leads Lana out of the room. Good thing she doesn't sleep in her underwear or naked. Very bright strobe lights flash in the hall as Lana and the guards jog together. Lex just does a brisk walk. He says that he'll tell Lana everything once they're in the panic room. They enter Lex's large office. Lex assures Lana that she'll be fine and that he's right behind her. Suddenly, Lex gasps. His body turns to black-and-white stripes. Lana turns and sees Lex as this animated static-laden signal. He's going to enter the video for A-Ha's "Take On Me"! Doo doo do doot doot, do doodoodoodoo, doo doo do doot doot, do doodoodoodoo...I could do that all day. "Talking away...I don't know what A'hm to saaahay..." Some karaoke sounds like a lot of fun right now. Lana screams for Lex. The guards tell her they have to get her into the panic room. She screams again, her mouth incredibly wide. The room closes. Lex gets to his feet, gasping. He calls for Lana. "Hello!?" he yells. A flash of static. He asks if anyone is here. Another burst of static. He asks what's going on. Lex looks around the room. The camera spins with him. "This is insane," he says. He tries to grab a phone on the desk. His hand turns to static and passes through it. Oh man, that's what happened to me when I was still using Sprint. Lex looks serious and lost. Chin up, buddy. There can't be too many seasons left.
Opening credits. Creepy baby doll + PlayStation3 commercial. Message: PS3 makes the babies cry.
Helicopter fly-over of Metropolis at night near the Daily Planet building. Inside, a custodian is walking up some stairs with a push broom. Down in the basement, where all the exciting stuff happens, Chloe is checking a fax. Since when did she get demoted? We hear a whoosh. It's Clark, responding to her urgent call. Chloe says that a Taiwanese cargo ship was found off the coast of Alaska with its entire crew dead; the ship's last stop was Bellona Island. Clark examines a paper Chloe hands him and remembers that island got hit with a meteor the same day Clark escaped the Phantom Zone. He asks where the ship is now. Chloe says that it's being towed to Seattle. Wow, that's right near Vancouver! What a coincidence! Clark says that he has to go there. Bring back some coffee, Clark. Seriously. And none of that Folgers Crystals bullshit! Chloe, sporting weird curls and bangs rather than her usually fun hair, says that these aren't just meteor freaks; they're real aliens who can put a hurtin' on Clark. Clark says that he has the crystal Raya gave him; he'll use that against them. Clark walks out as Chloe answers her ringing cell phone. It's Lana. Clark stops to listen. There's trouble. Trouble at the mill? Lassie, where!? "Oh my God," Chloe says, per usual. Clark asks what happened. Chloe tells him that Lex just mysteriously disappeared. Clark says that he has to go to Seattle. Chloe says that she knows Lex isn't Clark's pick for "Man of the Year" (oh, for the days when he was), but that Clark can't just turn his back. Clark says that there are innocent people in danger and that he'll be back as soon as he can. See ya when this week's B-story has concluded, Clark. Chloe watches him go.
LuthorCorp headquarters. Papa Luthor, wearing his jaunty suspenders-and-tie combo, is standing. A nicely-suited gentleman is telling him that Lex's car is "garaged," and that his accounts are untouched. The guy tells Papa Luthor that airline manifests are a negative. Papa sighs that Lex can't have just fallen off the face of the earth. Hey, it happened to Yahoo Serious. "We have to find him," adds Papa Luthor. Lana appears at the open door. Papa asks her to come in, excusing the investigator and rolling his tongue in his mouth a bit. Lana is wearing what appears to be a black peacoat from The Oliver Twist Collection. Papa says that the news about Lex is devastating, and that he's reserved a room for Lana at the Metro Seasons hotel. He says that it's for her safety. "For my safety or to distance me from the cover-up?" asks Lana. Do what? Ungrateful, much? "Conspiracy?" Papa asks. Damn, Lana must have messed up her line again. Lana says that the security people won't let her see the surveillance tapes, and that she's being assured that she's just seeing things. Papa asks her to tell him what she saw. She says that she doesn't know how to explain it, but she does anyway. "Lex turned into static," she says, "and then he disappeared." Remember Poltergeist? It was nothing like that. Papa starts to wonder if maybe she didn't see what she thought she saw because of the chaos of the moment. Lana says that she saw what she saw. And she yam what she yam. A yam. He asks what else she remembers, like something that might be a clue. Lana tells him about the guard's code: 142. She thinks Papa Luthor knows what that means. He says no, but promises to find out. "I am sure you will," she says. She adds that she'd appreciate it if he let her know when anything else comes up. Papa says he knows how important Lana is to Lex. Angry squirrel! She storms out, wound as tightly as her hair buns. Papa gets on the phone immediately, asking to be put through to Dr. Chavez at Genome Technology. "Yeah," Papa says into the phone, which seems an odd place to end a scene.
A dock on the coast of Seattle. It's very bright. There's a large white tent set up with a sign that reads, "Seattle Coroner Mobile Unit." Ha. They said "Unit." Some techs are transporting labeled bins on a stretcher. A police officer asks a woman in white lab gear whether all the bodies have been accounted for. She says it's hard to tell. Clark, in his bright red jacket, follows the team into the tent. Nobody tries to stop him. One thing missing on the scene: no TV reporters or vans.
Inside the tent, there are tons of blue bins. The woman who was talking to the cop -- apparently the lead coroner -- says that Clark must be the first-year med student she's been waiting for. The examiner, who is cute (all women in even a vaguely medical profession on this show seem to be disproportionately hot), sees Clark's stupefied look and tells him not to flatline on her now: she recognizes the queasy stare that afflicts all newbies their first day on the job. She asks Clark to move a bin. He asks how many bodies there are. She says that there's a whole graveyard's worth. She opens a bin and removes a plastic bag full of...well, human, I guess. Must be Thanksgiving! Clark watches the coronoer put the guts on a scale, asking how a body ends up like that. Too much TV? The coroner says that they have no skeletons. Goddamn you, Mr. Goodbody, what have you done?! She says that she doesn't know how that's anatomically possible; someone must have ripped the bones out. The examiner says that they're "clean fillets." Hey, everybody...I think McRib is back! She says that she's seen stuff that would make people run for the hills (in Seattle?), but that this is seriously freaky. I would love to see a medical examiner's filing for "Seriously Freaky." That gets put alphabetically near "Stunningly Grody" and "Shit's Insane, Yo!" Clark asks whether all the bodies are from the ship. The coroner says the last two are from some unlucky dock workers. Why doesn't this woman have a whole team of coroners helping her out instead of one wholly unprepared med student? Clark sees a badge lying on a desk. He pockets it and leaves hurriedly. "Kid, you puking already?" the examiner calls after him. This isn't exactly C.S.I., is it? And thus we say goodbye to Sardonic Medical Examiner Lady.
Stately Luthor Manor, daytime. Lana, still in her peacoat, walks into the Lair of Lex with Chloe, the one person who believes her. Static Lex, upstairs, calls for Lana, but of course nobody hears him. Chloe says that stranger things have happened in Smallville, and that they'll find him. Lex thanks God that Lana is all right, and goes to hug her. He passes through her as black-and-white static. Chloe asks where Lex was when he got "vaporized." Sensitive, that. Lana shows Chloe where it happend. Lex realizes that they can't see him. Chloe ignores the location and goes right for Lex's laptop. She asks whether all the security footage is kept on an internal server. Chloe says that they're going to need a password, asking Lana, "Are you password-close?" Lana says she guesses not, since she doesn't know what the code might be. Static Lex comes up behind Lana and says that it's her birthday. Way secure, Mr. Billionaire. Why not just do ""? Lana asks Chloe to try his brother's name, Julian. Or his mom's name, Lillian. "Your birthday!" Lex says. Dude. Shut it. "Ixnay," says Chloe. She tries "Lana." How about, "Nibbles the Squirrel"? "Neutrogena"? "French Witch"? Lana doesn't know what it might be. "Dammit!" yells Lex. I know! Dagnabbit! When you come back, just dump her! Chloe says that she'll just upload the whole hard drive and try it later, pulling an iPod from her purse to do that. If you can't get into the computer without a password, I don't think you'll just be able to transfer the hard drive or anything from the server. But of course Chloe = Computer Magic, so we'll just have to believe that she did it. Lana asks what happens if Lex is really gone...forever. Does that mean I get to stop recapping? No? DAGNABBIT! Lex leans in and says not to worry; he'll find his way back to her. Chloe says that they'll get him back. Lana says that she's had so many doubts and suspicions about this relationship, but now that he's gone, none of it matters anymore: "I just want to see his face again." Lex comes around the other side to speak over her shoulder again: "Lana. I love you so much." She's so perfect! It must be love! Chloe removes her iPod from the computer as the files are done copying. She says that she'll crack it back at the Daily Planet, and that they'll either get a week's worth of footage of Lex sipping bourbon and diddling with his computer, or she'll hit the jackpot. Lex tells Lana not to go.
A burst of static. Suddenly, there's a dude standing nearby -- a nerdy guy with very severe D-Fens glasses. He asks what it's like to have your life ripped from under you. "I know you," says Lex, pointing. You're Michael Douglas from Falling Down, right? The guy says that Lex saw his face through an observation window. "You're the 142," says Lex. Actually, he's a 160, but some assholes at the market shortchanged him. Lex leaps at him with a yelp. The guy disappears into static. Sucks for Lex. And for Howard Dean, who inspired the yell.
Commercials. Wow, I hope Blood Diamond isn't as awful as the trailers look.
The Daily Planet. For once, we don't have to do an establishing shot from outside. Instead, we start with a logo on the wall inside, and then glide over to where Jimmy "Call me Jameson" Olsen "Call me Twin" is walking down the stairs with Chloe. He asks Chloe why they're searching for the root of all evil. Money? They're looking for money? Chloe says that she's not doing this for Lex; she's helping Lana and trying to put her skepticism in check. Chloe says that Lana really cares about Lex. Jimmy scoffs: "Women are such a mystery." Preach it, Brotherman. ["Mystery this, fool." -- Wing Chun] Chloe -- who is wearing an extremely unfortunate top that has a knot and some sort of sports bra over it -- says that finding Lex is a bigger mystery. But have you tried Finding Forrester? Apparently, when you do, he tells you that you're the man now, dog. "Where's Clark when we need him?" Chloe whines. Jimmy -- the only person in the whole place wearing a press badge -- asks what Clark has to do with anything. He says he knows Chloe feels sorry for Clark because he's "always flying solo" (wonk, wonk, wonk...anvil), but what can Clark do that he can't? Like...everything, maybe? Chloe grins, chuckles, and then says that Jimmy is probably right. In Bizarro World! Jimmy says that he's braved the rush-hour crunch to get Chloe's favorite vending-machine cuisine so that she'd have time to search for a person nobody particularly misses: "Well, maybe except --"
"Lana!" calls Chloe. And indeed, Lana is standing right there. That peacoat hasn't come off once this whole week. In a twitchy way that is less than reassuring, Jimmy says that the hunt for Lex is on. Like Diddy Kong. Until the break o' dawn. With Todd McFarlane's Spawn. Da doo ron ron. Oh, damn. I went one step too far. Jimmy asks if he can get anything for Lana from the basement buffet. Lana says that she's all right. The forage for winter is already complete. Chloe tells Lana that she does have some good news: she managed to find the "magic password." Magic: The Gathering? The password is "Lana's mana"! My wife walks by as I'm typing and asks if Lana has a job yet. I just sort of roll my eyes and sigh as an answer. She keeps walking, clearly glad not to have to watch the show with me. Chloe tells Lana that the password is Lana's birthday. Chloe says that she found the surveillance files, showing one of them to Lana. They zoom in on Lex in his office just before he disappeared. There's a starry outline of a person, which Lana notices. She asks if Chloe can make it any clearer. Chloe says that she doesn't have a lot to work with, and that it'll take some time. Lana's cell phone rings. "I know what happened to Lex Luthor," says the caller. Lana asks who it is. It's D-Fens! He says that if anyone knows they're talking, they'll both be in danger. Chloe asks who's on the line. Lana lies that it's the security people. Lana leaves suddenly. Close-up on the surveillance video. It's still pretty fuzzy.
Talon. Lana, still peacoated, walks through the alley behind the coffeehouse, trying to look inconspicuous. D-Fens suddenly appears with a whoosh sound effect. He asks if she was followed. Lana says no, and asks what happened to Lex. D-Fens, wearing a dorky tie and even dorkier white short-sleeved shirt, walks, saying that he took Lex, and that if Lana ever wants to see him again, she'll keep her mouth shut and do what he says. Lana asks him not to hurt Lex. He asks if Lana knows that Lex has a secret lab hidden in the LuthorCorp building called 33.1. Wow. It sure took us a while to come back to this storyline. Lana asks why it's secret. D-Fens says that they run experiments on people who've been infected by meteor rocks. He says that when people are released from Belle Reve, they get a one-way ticket to the secret lab. She asks how D-Fens knows all this. That is some sadly sparse facial hair on the guy. D-Fens says that he was one of them until he broke out last night. He says that nobody believes him because he's a former mental patien, but that if Lana blows the whistle on the lab, people will have to believe her. Lana asks whether D-Fens has evidence or proof. He says, "Of course I do." He shows her a keycard and says that he can show her the place. "Then you'll release Lex?" asks Lana. Dramatic music.
Back to Seattle. A police car is passing. Clark is still just allowed to walk around like he owns the place while reporters are conspicuously absent. Clark is told that this area is off-limits. Clark flashes his badge and says that he's with the coroner's office. If I'm not mistaken, the document on the left is a photo ID. I guess Clark just looks that much like the coroner lady. "Better you than me," says the on-duty cop, letting him pass. Clark is told their theory: the "perp" was hiding in a container and busted out with his bare hands to start his killing spree. Clark is shown a large metal crate that looks like it was ripped open. They thought it was blood all over the place, but the stuff on the walls was human bone marrow: "It's frickin' disgusting." Indeed. The stuff splattered about looks like pink oatmeal. The cop says that the forensic team is waiting for Clark. Lovely. Another cop is looking around and finds blood on the ground. He draws his gun and tries to sneak around a corner. Someone grabs him from behind by the shoulder. It's giant wrestler Batista! And he looks scary! "Who are you?" asks the cop. "Someone's who's hungry!" hisses Batista. He breaks the cop's arm, lifts him up for a body slam, and kicks him on his way down. Owww! The cop screams. Nobody hears it, apparently. Batista digs a hand into the guy's back. Finish him! He pulls out a spine. Fatality! Would you say that someone who does that is very debone-aire?
LuthorCorp. D-Fens and Lana are in an elevator, going up. Lana asks what happened to D-Fens with regard to the meteors. He says that he was an electrician working on a radio tower the year before they hit. He got thrown off and ended up with an ability. Lana asks what it is. He says that he can move through alternate frequencies and shift into planes of existence that nobody knows exist. Groovy. Wavy gravy. He adds that he's normal compared to others on this floor. Lana asks if D-Fens isn't afraid that they'll just grab him when he shows up. He says that if he has to sacrifice himself to get the truth out, he's fine with that. D-Fens swipes his card as they reach the 33rd floor. The digital readout is "33.1." He says that they're not going to grab Lana.
The doors open. Lights turn on. It's a huge empty warehouse. Noooo! Nervous, D-Fens says that this is wrong, and that something was here. Lana wants him to take her to Lex, adding that, clearly, nothing's been here for a long time. Like maybe for two seasons, at least. He says that it was. Lana tells him to relax, and that they'll figure this out. Lana wants to know what D-Fens has done with Lex. He says that he put Lex in a place where he can't hurt anyone else. D-Fens disappears in a burst of static. "No!" Lana cries as she rushes forward. Damn. Too slow, Lana.
Commercials. Mark McGrath does us the favor of letting us know what's hip and hot in the "CWhat's Hot." It is very enjoyable to fast-forward through this.
Stately Luthor Static Manor. A photo in a nice frame of Lana doing a fashion pose sits on Lex's desk. Lex is looking at it. "What did you do with 33.1?" D-Fens asks angrily. Lex stands. He says that he didn't do anything, adding that it must be obvious that he hasn't gone anywhere. D-Fens demands that Lex not lie to him. Lex says that what he's saying is true. D-Fens says that Lex kept him locked up in a concrete bunker just when he was about to go back to a normal life. Lex says that D-Fens was never going to be released from Belle Reve; he was trying to help the guy. D-Fens looks like he wants to believe that, but then he yells, "Where are the other patients?" Lex says that tell D-Fens if he knew. D-Fens freaks out, saying that he doesn't want to resort to violence, but that he will. D-Fens says that he'll bring Lana there and see if Lex talks. He disappears in another burst of static. Lex has to see Lana? Isn't he being punished enough?
Planet. All kinds of crazy audio devices and amplifiers are set up near a computer. Chloe and Lana walk with Jimmy up to what I guess is his huge desk. They give him such a large space to work? Chloe says she knew Jimmy was a gadget junkie, but that this looks like it's from the Jurassic era. Jimmy says that when he heard about the frequency jumper, he pulled out his dad's old ham radio equipment. "Ham radio?" asks Lana. Is it kosher? Jimmy informs the younger set that people were communicating worldwide long before the internet. Breaker Breaker 1-9 -- we got a dork here. (Yes, I know that's CB talk. It's still dorky. Can I tell you my dad had a CB radio? And I think he called himself Papa Bear? And I was Baby Bear? Oh, stop. It's not that cute.) Jimmy says that he used to sneak down to the basement in the late-night hours and get his ham on. Hey, wasn't "ham-on" in a Michael Jackson song? Jimmy says his handle was "Jimmy the Infuriator." I thought the point of a handle was not to use your real name. Sadly, this reminds me of my old BBS days when I went by "The Night Raven." I'm mortified that I just told you that. Chloe says that handle doesn't surprise her.
Jimmy tells the "girls" to listen carefully. He turns on the sound from the surveillance footage. There's a loud, piercing electronic noise. Jimmy forgot to warn them to close their ears. "Right there. Could you hear that?" Jimmy asks. Yeah, we heard it, douche. My neighbors heard it. Jimmy says that it's a radio frequency, and that it kept coming back in the footage. Jimmy bullshits that he tried blending "the narrow-band frequency modulation with the UHF modulation." Then he threw in some milk and ice cream and made a modulation milkshake. Chloe gives Jimmy a puzzled look. He tells her just to look. Or rather listen. Jimmy adjusts some knobs. If you're gonna play "tune in Tokyo," couldn't you just do that on your own with Chloe later? The audio breaks up then we hear Lex say, "...find my way back to you." Aw, he must be watching Last Of The Mohicans. "It's him," says Lana. Jimmy tells her that Lex was in the room; they just couldn't hear him. "My God," says Lana. She watches herself say, on video, that she just wants to see Lex's face again. Lex says, "Lana, I love you so much." Lana is shocked that Lex heard everything she said. Jimmy says that this may sound absurd (oh, try us), but that he thinks Lex may be trapped in another frequency. He says it's like the way AM and FM frequencies are different, but move in the same space. Lana asks if they can communicate with Lex. Jimmy thinks there's a "frequency loop" in that area, so it's probably possible if Lana talks in Lex's location. Lana exhales deeply. This is hard work, all this acting!
Seattle. Clark walks along the dock shore. Hey, sailor. Looking for a good time? He notices a pair of broken glasses on the ground. He picks them up, and then notices a bright yellow construction hat with bloodstains on it. I would think he would have noticed that first, but then I'm not endowed with otherworldly superpowers. Someone calls for help. Clark whooshes out of the frame. We see an emergency worker being lifted up by Batista, who's wearing a gnarly vest and no shirt. He drops the guy when Clark comes in and pushes him off. "Go!" Clark yells at the terrified worker. Clark turns in time to get grabbed and lifted himself. "You stole my food!" Batista yells. Clark should always carry an emergency Snickers for just such an occasion. Clark holds up the blue crystal and tries to make it do magic. "Nice try, Krypton Man," growls Batista. Clark doesn't know what's wrong: "You escaped from the Phantom Zone!" "But I'm no phantom," Batista counters. It's a fair point. He throws Clark. Clark sails into the air and knocks through a suspended metal crane building way up above. Clark emerges from the hole in the wall and lands nicely back down on ground level. Clark looks around, but Batista is gone. What, no x-ray vision?
Metropolis at night. There's a full moon. In the Planet, Chloe is looking at digital versions of blueprints on a computer. Chloe makes a kissy face. There's a gap between the 33rd and 34th floor. Chloe clicks on it, but it reads, "Floorplan unavailable." Suddenly, all the floorplans disappear as the windows close and a box comes up that reads, "Deleting All Files..." Yikes! Papa Luthor walks in just then, waving his hands hilariously and saying that it must be a glitch or something. He says that he doesn't know much about this stuff, but that when you hack into a secure operating system, you could pick up some very nasty viruses. He leans over Chloe with an "Excuse me" and taps on the computer, which seems frozen. Magnificent! Scared, Chloe says she'll take that to heart. She was a lot happier when he was passing her the peas. Papa says that LuthorCorp considers a breach of security a very serious matter. Chloe stands up to him, saying that she's trying to find his son. He says he knows that, and that he was hoping that, diligent reporter that she is, Chloe could provide a clue to help Papa to find Lex. Chloe says that the only clue she has is a lab called 33.1, otherwise known as "meteor-freak central." "'Meteor freaks'?" Papa repeats, as if he's taken great offense. He tells her that she's not in high school anymore: "This is the real world. Please." The closed captioning says that Papa tells her to "grow up," which would have been cool, too. Papa walks out in a blaze of glory. Jimmy shows up with two giant coffees. He asks what "Daddy Warbucks" was doing there. Chloe says that he ransacked all her research, and that they're back to square one. "More like triangle one," says Jimmy. Ruh-roh, says Scooby Doo. Chloe asks what's up. Jimmy thinks he has a way of "squeaking" Lex out of his frequency. "Triangulation." Chloe smiles. Clark could never have figured that out. I mean, not without lots of help and another whole act.
Lair of Lex, nighttime. Lana walks into the room. She says she knows Lex is there. She says she hopes he can hear her, because there's something she wants to confess. She never learned how to read lines! Nooo! Lana starts to cry. She says that she's been so focused on their problems that she lost sight of how much Lex means to her. Roughly $10 billion. She says that she's been reluctant to trust him, but that he's been more honest with her than anyone's been. And that's not very much. "I miss you. I miss you so much," she says. Lana sticks out her neck and grimaces a lot as she sputters, walking and talking. It's just a tiny bit trainwrecky. "I don't know what I'd do without you," she says as she walks right past Static Lex. Lex watches her. She says she loves him. "I love you too, Lana," Static Lex tells her. Lana begs him not to leave "us" here: "I don't want to have this baby without you." Whoa! Pardon me!? Lex is stunned. Lana says she knows she should have told Lex. A hand on her shoulder. It's D-Fens! He grabs her roughly. All the TVs in the room turn on and go to static. Lana can't see Lex, but she can see all the pyrotechnics. She says, "Lex, you are here!" She laughs and cries at the same time. This is totally her Emmy reel. D-Fens apologizes for having to put Lana through this. He pulls a knife and holds it to her neck, telling Lex, "Either you tell me where you moved 33.1...or you can say goodbye to Lana Lang." Dammit. Now I can't wish for Lana's death since she's got an unborn kid inside her. Cunning TV writers!
Commercials. The Gap rap. Funky fresh corduroys. Yes, yes, y'all. Fly v-necks, what what?
Back where we left off: Lana is at knife-point. She hurriedly says that whatever Lex may have done in the past, she'll make him stop. (Whip crack!) D-Fens tells Lex that even the love of his life wants him to come clean and tell the world what he's done. "Let her go," says Lex half-heartedly. Lana asks if D-Fens can see Lex. "Where is 33.1?!" D-Fens yells. Lex yells back that he doesn't know. The TV and laptop monitor burst with static. Lights flash. Lex tells D-Fens to let go of Lana. D-Fens says that they should get started. He starts to move the knife, but something clocks him on the back of the head. It's Jimmy. He hit the guy on the head with a heavy piece of equipment. The knife goes flying. Chloe, right behind Jimmy, says that she didn't know he had it in him. That seems like more of a Clark thing, to have something in him. Jimmy says, "Why do you think they call me Jimmy the Infuriator?" Not because you kick ass, that's for sure. D-Fens says that Lex is a dead man. Lana tells Jimmy not to let him get away. Jimmy says that he's not going anywhere. "Where is Lex?" Jimmy demands. "What's the frequency?" Oh, groan. Kenneth and Dan Rather are both crying somewhere. With Michael Stipe. D-Fens goes to static. Lana rushes to him and grabs him by the shoulder. She's turned to static as well. Take on me! They both disappear. Jimmy says that can't be good. Chloe says that they need the frequency jammer. She's carted in a bunch of old equipment, and she and Jimmy get to work on it. They be jammin'.
Lana lies on the floor. Lex comes to her. He can touch her now. D-Fens grabs the knife and says that Lana wanted to say goodbye in person. Wait, I thought the knife was in our frequency. How is D-Fens able to pick it up like that? He and Lex wrestle. The knife falls out of D-Fens's hand way too easily.
Jimmy is playing Tune in Tokyo again. He says that whatever frequency he jams has to be the same one they're using. Chloe tells him to do it. Jimmy says that there are only about a gazillion to sort through.
More male wrestling. Lex goes for the knife. D-Fens grabs it.
More knob twiddling.
Lex gets kicked in the face. Lex kicks back and makes the guy fall. Knife struggling.
Jimmy with the furious DJ skillz.
The knife battle continues.
Jimmy taps an antenna as Chloe tells him to hurry.
Lex gets the better of D-Fens and pins him to the ground. He manages to turn the knife around. The knife goes into D-Fens's chest. Stings!
Jimmy finds the frequency.
D-Fens dies. The knife sticks out from his torso. Lex goes to Lana. She wakes up instantly. She says that Lex is all right. He asks why she's here. "I had to find you," she says. Lex says that she shouldn't have done that. Jimmy and Chloe can hear the conversation through the equipment. Lana says that she'd rather be trapped with Lex where they are than never see him again. "Is it true?" Lex asks. "You did hear," says Lana. "Everything," Lex tells her. They kiss. A lot.
The lights flicker. More static. Lex and Lana appear in the middle of the room as the equipment blows up. They go from static to real. The inconvenient body with the knife in it is there, too, never to be investigated or heard about again. Lex and Lana go right on kissing. It's that kind of love.
Seattle at night. Clark is still wandering around looking for Batista. Clark finds blood on the ground. He follows a trail. Batista is waiting for him, and confronts Clark. "Your blood must make you strong," he says creepily, "I shall taste it." Something whooshes by. Clark tries to punch Batista. The dude catches the punch. Clark, struggling, asks why Batista's doing this. "Everyone's gotta eat," he says. He lifts Clark. Batista suddenly shrieks and falls. Clark lands on his feet. He looks around. Clark sees a weird alien handprint burned into Batista's back. Clark has stepped on something. He moves his foot and sees an Oreo cookie with a bite taken out of it. Clark jogs to the shore. "Hey!" he calls. Someone is standing there. "It was you, wasn't it?" Clark asks. It's a big, bald creature. The creature's eyes glow brightly. Blink. The creature, wearing a cape, bends down, and then leaps to the sky, with the moon in the background. Clark watches. The creature soars away with a red trail. Martian Manhunter! Kick ass!
Commercials. Mark McGrath is back to annoy. And yes, Guitar Hero II is cool.
LuthorCorp. Chloe and Jimmy are in 33.1. He sees a bunch of wires in a huge blue cable, and says that whatever was there wasn't a typical cubicle farm: there's enough power here to light up Metropolis. Jimmy opines that it's just a matter of time before he can get to the bottom of it. Chloe says that he really manned up and got into the fight. "Still wish Clark was here to help?" asks Jimmy. Chloe holds his hands and says that Clark can't hold a candle to The Infuriator. If he did, it would be dirty. Lana walks up and asks if they found anything interesting. Chloe -- in a strange lacy top and with her hair up -- says that this feels a little strange. She asks whether Lana has ever considered that D-Fens was telling the truth. Lana asks if Chloe means that this was a secret lab. She says that she doesn't think Lex would have given them clearance if he had something to hide; she thinks the guy went through a lot of hoops to get his revenge if this place never really existed. Lana says that he was delusional, and that the meteor rock made him sick. She says that he spent over a year in Belle Reve. Chloe thinks that there's more to this story: "You don't know the Luthors like I do." Lana counters that Chloe doesn't know Lex the way she does; she's not going to take the word of a homicidal maniac over Lex's. Chloe says that Lana can't prove that 33.1 never existed. "And you can't prove that it did," Lana replies. Thus ends a perfectly crappy friendship. Lana walks away. Chloe rolls her eyes.
Lex is in Papa Luthor's office, rummaging through some folders. Papa Luthor walks in. He muses that the sign says this is his private office, but that obviously doesn't mean much to Lex. Lex says that Papa interfered with a project he had nothing to do with. Papa opens a blu botol to drink from, and saying that Lex should be thanking him for dealing with 33.1 and coming to the rescue. He says that he'd hate to think of the legal repercussions if that place were discovered, not to mention the dirt that would stick to their corporate image. When do these guys make any money? Lex says that Papa did this for selfish reasons. He sits at the desk, saying that Papa's fascination with the meteors started long before Lex's. Papa says that Lex has taken it further than he ever thought possible: "Congratulations. Kudos, son. I'm proud of you." He says that Lex's methods are a tad disappointing. There's a lot Lex has to learn about the fine art of secrecy. Lex asks what he did with 33.1. Papa says that he moved the whole shebang to a top-security location. He says that he'll let Lex know where it is on one condition. "And what might that be?" Lex asks angrily. Papa wants to be a full partner. He wants to know everything. Smiling, Papa says that it'll give them a chance to spend more quality time together.
Kent Farm. Chloe, still wearing her frilly Prince outfit, comes up to the loft. She asks if there's no cell-phone reception in Seattle. Clark, staring outside, says that he was preoccupied. Chloe says that she was worried. Clark grunts that he's sorry. She asks what happened. Clark says that it was less than successful. She asks whether the Zoner just picked up and left the solar system. Clark says that someone else killed him -- someone who can do things Clark can only dream of. Chloe says, "Whoa," and asks whether this is someone who's on their side. Clark says that he's not sure. Chloe presses Clark for more details: she's Clark's trusted friend and secret keeper. Clark says that there are some things Chloe doesn't need to know. Ass. Chloe says that she knows Clark thinks all these space invaders are his fault, but that he can't keep it all inside. She says that's noble, but that other people want to help him fight the good fight and that he needs to let them in: "Because sometimes even heroes need to be saved." Like, say, cheerleaders in trouble. Clark just broods. Chloe leaves. Clark starts to follow, but steps on something. He picks it up. It's an Oreo with a bite in it. Clark thinks, "There must be a glass of milk around here somewhere." O, mysterious cookie. What doth your crumbly sugary goodness and creamy entrails portend?
Stately Luthor Manor, daytime. Lex is in the bedroom. Lana walks in. He tells her she should be off her feet. He's going to get her something to drink. Lana says that she's pregnant, not an invalid. He says that he wants to make things perfect for her. Because she's perfect! Lana apologizes for keeping her secret. She says that she wanted to tell Lex, but wasn't sure. "Of how I'd react?" he asks. He says that it's the best news he's ever heard. "Really?" asks Lana. She smiles, big-time. He says that the woman he loves is carrying their child: "What more could a man want?" A different baby mama? Lex and Lana kiss. Then she asks about 33.1. Lex says that it never existed. "But if it did," Lana says, "I'd understand why." She says that people infected by the meteors are dangerous: "They've hurt me and they've hurt people that I care about." They're bad seeds, the worst seeds, see? She says that the more we learn about them, the better we can protect ourselves. She has so many warring personalities, it's impossible to keep up with them. Lex does the greatest change of subject ever. He says that there's something else she needs to know.
Lex opens the door to his office. Lana walks in. It's not the shrine to Clark? No, it's dozens of lit candles and flowers. Will he be wrapped around her finger? Lana walks slowly. There's a small table in the middle of the room. Lex goes to it. He opens a small jewelry box. Pulls out a silver bell. Takes Lana's hand. "Lana Lang. I want to spend the rest of my life with you." He opens the box. There's a huge diamond on a ring inside of it. "Will you marry me?" he asks. Boom. Blackout. Guys, I warn you: only change the subject in this way if it's an absolute emergency involving a secret lab you don't want your girlfriend to know about.
No Gayest Look of the Episode this week, folks. I think this episode was decidedly hetero. week: I'm eatin' turkey! See you in December.