Smack Talk

S06E07

By Omar G

"Rage" is an appropriate title for this episode because I'll bet it's what long-suffering fans are feeling after watching it. It's Thanksgiving, and Clark is feeling mopey (novel!) about missing his dad and ruining life for everyone around him and all that. MamaKent is determined to have a great Thanksgiving meal, dammit. She invites Papa Luthor, who almost kisses her just as he's about to decline the invitation. MamaKent acknowledges that there's definitely something going on between them, but says she needs a little more time. Oliver is also invited, but he's got some problems. Just when Lois is about to jump his bones, he heeds the call of crime-fighting duty, only to be shot in the chest. He heals up quickly, thanks to a super-secret healing formula funded by Lex and administered by a lady doctor to halfway-house residents. One of those residents -- the guy who shot Oliver-as-Green-Arrow -- ends up killing the doctor, just after Lex demands results from the project he funded. Oliver gets hooked on the medication and goes into some rages, including throwing Lois through a glass table, which is something a normal person might do if they had to listen to her talk for an extended period. Clark confronts Oliver, who has decided to go cold turkey...just in time for Thanksgiving. The gang gathers for a nice meal -- Lois, Chloe, Jimmy (via text message), Papa Luthor (!), and MamaKent. The conversation must have, at some point, come around to which person at the table has tried to kill or threatened to kill someone else prior to the dinner. Meanwhile, Lana is nauseated and passing out all over the place. It turns out she's pregnant, knocked up by Lex's powerful, evil seed. Like we didn't see this coming. She tells only Chloe, even though she has the perfect opportunity to tell Lex over their stiff, overly formal Thanksgiving dinner. Props department: we're going to need an extra-long table to signify great riches!

I'd like to dedicate this recap of the episode "Rage" to The Lady of Rage for just being a badass. I appreciate how you don't give a god-DAMN!

We begin (without Closed Captioning again, dammit) in Metropolis at night, staring at Oliver Queen's clock tower (it's not a metaphor). Inside, we see feet. Specifically, we see a woman's feet in very shiny high-heel shoes. A man in black dress shoes is standing nearby. The woman is wearing a gown and he's wearing pants (at least, I think it's a her and he), but probably not for long. A book falls to the woman's feet. We pull back a bit to see Lois and Oliver making out to a gorgeous, well-lit set of bookshelves that I drool over. You guys enjoy the kissing, I'm going to sit here and get all hot and bothered over the ample shelves. Books fall and things crash as they bump up against the shelving; once again, Lois has ruined a perfectly good fantasy for me. They're making out with much intensity. Lois pulls her arm up and thrusts her crotch forward in what I suppose is her mating pose. Oliver is kissing her neck as she arches her back. She pushes him away suddenly. GET! OUT! Oliver falls, smiling. She comes over in her shiny dress and pulls up her hem to straddle the poor boy. She kisses him on his chaise lounge. Lois, breathing heavily, says, "Wait. I have a surprise for you." It's her latest shitty story in the tabloid newspaper! Rejoice! Oliver jokes that he likes surprises, but doesn't like to wait. They kiss again. Lois promises that it'll be worth it. She bites her lip and sashays to the room. Oliver wonders if the blue neon in the room matches the blue hue of his balls right now. A nearby alarm sounds. Oliver walks out to the balcony where he senses trouble. He sees an altercation serious enough for him to use a look of concern and make his chin pucker. It's danger time!

Down on street level, a couple is being accosted by some street hooligans. They're dragged out of their old car, which doesn't seem like it would be a good target for carjackers. But then I don't carjack these days, so what do I know?

While this is happening, Oliver opens up his super-secret weapons vault.

Back on the street, one of the toughs pulls a gun on the defenseless man.

In Oliver's lair, he's decided there's nothing to worry about and that he has plenty of time to change into his leather outfit instead of, say, shooting an arrow from the balcony to end things quickly.

On the street, serious gunplay.

Up in Oliver's place, he pulls the hood up of his costume and puts on sunglasses. Do these shades make me look cool? You can tell me. We have lots of time.

On the street, serious gunplay.

Up in Oliver's place, he pulls the hood up of his costume and puts on sunglasses. Do these shades make me look cool? You can tell me. We have lots of time.

On the street: a violent encounter! This couple is very scared.

Upstairs. Oliver finally grabs a weapon. Maybe one that can shoot arrows?

Street level: the innocent man is on his knees. Things don't look good for him.

Upstairs. Oliver is looking great! He zips up his green leather vest. Stylin'! The sliding doors close behind him.

Street. Pistol whipping. One thug points his gun at the couple and asks if they want some of this. "They don't," Green Arrow says helpfully, "but I do." Yes, the gunshot is an acquired taste. Green Arrow is pointing his crossbow at the criminal holding the gun. He shoots the guy in the chest. The couple scrambles to their feet and runs. The other thug gets in the couple's car and tries to drive off. Green Arrow steps up to what appears to be the top of a building in about two seconds, slowly aims his arrow, then fires. The arrow breaks a window, hits the driver, and causes him to crash. Don't drink and drive. Or drive and get arrowed.

Oliver's abode. Lois has changed from her slinky high heels into some clunky black high heels. She walks down the stairs, purring, "Oliverrrr." She's wearing only a men's shirt. Yes, we do like this, ladies. She calls a few more times. Lois says that she's open minded, but hide-and-seek isn't really her game. "You win!" she calls out, "Ollie Ollie, whatever whatever!" Ugh. She paces back and forth in a very, very wide shot. She says this isn't funny. Or interesting, really. She buttons up the shirt. Is she planning on leaving with it still on? "Good one, Lois," she tells herself.

Downstairs, Oliver tells the crashed criminal that the cops will have the key after he handcuffs the dude to the steering wheel. Oliver backs out the car that he was leaning into. "Surprise!" says the other criminal, who is holding a gun behind Oliver. He fires. The shot hits Oliver right in the chest. Green Arrow falls to his knees. Somehow he still falls on his back. The camera cranes up as we look down on his body. Sad music plays. Blood pools around him. Ollie Ollie bloody bloody!

Opening credits. Commercials. I wish I could get that excited about listening to songs on a phone at the supermarket.

Kent Farm. A windmill spins. MamaKent and Clark enter the house, leaving the door wide open as they enter. No danger that Shelby will run out because we haven't seen Shelby in a damn long time. Clark is carrying two bags of groceries and MamaKent is carrying one. Still, Clark says they have enough food to feed a small army. A small army of ants? MamaKent says that she thought she'd like to invite some people over for Thanksgiving this year. "Actually, I was hoping we could keep it low-key," says Clark. Because you're such awesome dinner company. Clark says that he's not feeling very thankful this year. Ungrateful, much? MamaKent says she knows it'll be a hard day, especially after what happened to Raya, but she says company could help. What, exactly, did they do with Raya's body? Did they just leave her up in the Fortress? If not, how did they explain her to the authorities? Clark, wearing a blue t-shirt, says that Thanksgiving was Bo's holiday and that he carved the turkey. He kind of was a turkey, but we loved him anyway. Clark removes carrots from the bag. You live on a farm and you're buying carrots at the supermarket? No wonder you guys can't make this place profitable. MamaKent says she can carve this year. Clark says that Bo was the one who made them all say what they were thankful for. Bo was always thankful that the platitudes were plentiful and pretty. Clark says that Bo always made him say he was thankful for his abilities, but Clark says that Bo was wrong. Oh, you fucking whiny, pathetic DINK! Just quit feeling so sorry for yourself! You call yourself a superhero? You're a super pain in the ass is what you are. "If I was normal, he'd still be here," Clark says. Yeah, but you wouldn't. "...carving the turkey with grandpa's old carving knife," Clark mopes. What about MamaKent's dad? Won't he ever show up again?

Lois walks right in, not bothering to knock, and heads right for the fridge, which is very, very small. Is this a new fridge? I don't remember it being quite so tiny. She tells MamaKent and Clark that they can take Oliver off the guest list for Thanksgiving. Or any other guest list. She glances in the fridge, but doesn't find anything she wants. MamaKent asks what happened. Lois tells them that the night before, he pulled another one of his "patented disappearing acts" in the middle of a date. She neglects to tell them she was wearing high heels and no underwear when it happened. MamaKent says that she's sorry. Lois says that Oliver's a billionaire and she's a "nail-biting, Talon-dwelling tabloid reporter." She takes groceries out of a bag and puts them on the kitchen island counter. Clark says that he knows she'll find someone better suited for her. Like a deaf robot. Lois says life goes on, at least for some people. Is that a dig on Raya? Or Bo Duke? Or any other dead person?

Lois asks if Clark heard the news: the Green Arrow was shot. She says it's in today's Planet. She hands Clark a copy of the paper. It's got the creepy sketch of The UnaOliver with the headline: "GREEN ARROW: DEAD OR ALIVE?" Yes, with all-caps. The Daily Planet's style guide is all over the place. Lois says that a man ran to get the police when he saw Green Arrow bleeding on the ground, but when they came back, there was only a bloodstain. Couldn't they get a sample? Close-up on the newspaper. The music booms for emphasis. Then a speeding car rushes by in the sound mix. Guys, we get it. You don't need to juice the mix so much, all right?

Lair of Lex. Lex, sitting by the fire, is playing chess. He's playing black, of course. Lana, wearing all black, enters the room. She's holding a black brochure. BLACK, PEOPLE! Lana says she's found a charitable organization that she wants to focus on. It's the "Second-Chance Halfway House." Do they really still call them "Halfway houses?" So Lana's not interested in pet rescue? Color me surprised. Lana says that she has the time. She also heard Lex mention it on the phone and then she found this brochure. It's almost like connected items planted in a script! Lex isn't very enthused. Lana says that it's an amazing program and she can't see why it's not in every city in the country. Lex says that Lana would be in direct contact with violent criminals just released from prison. Lana replies that may happen from time to time, but mostly she'd be working at the central office. Lex asks why she doesn't channel her energies into the youth foundation or the center for victim's rights. Lord knows she's both a youth and a victim. What about Save the Squirrels? My God, won't somebody think of the squirrels!? Lana says it's what she wants to do. Lex goes right for the Scotch, which one has to do with regularity if you're going to live with Lana. He pours himself a drink and says that he's just trying to protect her. "What is it with people feeling like they have to protect me?" Lana asks. Jeez, I don't know. Maybe it's that you're laid out in the hospital almost every week and that you got possessed by a French witch at one point. Could that be it? Lana says she doesn't need to be watched over. She, Lois, and Clark should start a club for people who have no self-awareness whatsoever. They'd take turns forgetting who's supposed to be president. Lex lies and says that he didn't say she did need protecting; he just wants her to be safe. "Well, this isn't about what you want," Lana says, "this is about what I want." This is where Lex should say, "Well, that is a shame because I want your bony ass out of my castle RIGHT NOW! Squirrel-face." Instead, Lex takes the coward's road and just says flatly, "Pick any other project. I'm sorry." Lana tries to remember her line, but gives up and walks out through the open door. Lex, frustrated, puts down his drink. She's gone, so he doesn't have to make himself drunk just to have a conversation anymore.

Clock tower, daytime. Oliver is lying down, shirtless. He's on a weight machine doing bench presses with no spotter. We hear a farmboy say, "You're looking awfully healthy." Oh yeah. Bonk-shuka-bonk-bonk...it's gay porn time. "You're my meat, my possession!" (SMACK!) "D'ooooohhhh!" Clark is standing there, watching. "It's called exercise, Clark," Oliver says as he finishes his rep and gets up. Clark thinks that it's called HOT! It's the Gayest Look of the Episode. The only thing that would make it gayer is if Clark was wearing a pizza deliveryboy outfit. Oliver whines that mere humans have to exercise to stay in shape. Well, to be fair, this Kryptonian isn't always in tip-top form. Clark mentions the Daily Planet article about the Green Arrow being shot. Oliver slips on a muscle shirt. He says that if he'd been shot, he'd be in the hospital or at the morgue. He says that Clark of all people shouldn't believe everything he reads in the paper. Clark says it's the Planet, not the Inquisitor and that there was a witness. Oliver says that maybe it was someone else with a preference for green. A very tall leprechaun? A very skinny Hulk? Clark looks over and sees Green Arrow's leather vest lying on an office chair. It's sporting a hole and blood stain. Clark asks what Oliver's Green Arrow gear is doing out in the middle of the room. Accenting the space? "I'm uploading video," Oliver says, "check this out." He pushes a button on a remote. On a nearby screen, Clark appears. Oliver is holding a tiny video camera embedded in his sunglasses. He says that he can get footage of scumbags so he can track them down later. Fun! This stuff will be great on YouTube. Clark says that Oliver is getting sloppy with the gear in the middle of the room and the door unlocked. He says it could have been Lois at the door. Doesn't Oliver have a receptionist? He says that he's had a lot on his mind lately and that Clark's been too busy doing farm chores to notice the crime wave in Metropolis. "Let me ask you something," says Oliver, before making me happy with his line: "are you ever gonna get off your ass and finally do something for a change?" Ha ha! YES! I've been saying that for six seasons, dude. You should be a recapper, Oliver. Clark says he didn't come here to be insulted. He came here for a good blowjob, but he guesses that's just not going to happen now, is it!? Oliver points out the door and says he doesn't remember Clark being invited.

Clark asks what's really going on. Oliver says that he doesn't need to be lectured by someone who's only worried about protecting his own identity. Still calm, Clark says, "That's a lie. You know it." Oliver, going into a rant, saying that when he's out on the streets protecting people, he's got bigger things to worry about. Like staying alive. A glass that Oliver is holding shatters in his hand. Ouchie. Oliver's got a bad cut on his palm. Clark asks if he's all right. Oliver wipes with a hand towel. He tells Clark to get out of here. "You sure?" Clark asks. "Go!" Oliver yells. Clark bails. Oliver opens up a desk drawer and pulls out a hypodermic needle. Clark, in the elevator, uses his X-ray vision and sees Oliver injecting. Isn't that an invasion of privacy, dude? I'd be curious to hear Clark's views on the administration's wiretapping policies. Oliver unwraps the towel around his wounded hand. The cut is completely healed. That's an amazing hand towel!

Commercials. I'm a few episodes behind on Gilmore Girls, but Christopher and Lorelai in Paris, being all schmoopy? That sounds like some bullshit, right there.

The Talon, daytime. Lois, apron around her waist, is cooking something that looks like buttered rolls that came out of an alien's eggsack. She pops it into a toaster oven and tells someone to come in. It's Clark at the door. "Wow," Clark says, "since when did you turn the apartment into a florist's shop?" Indeed, there are lots of bouquets around. Lois says that they're from Oliver. Clark judges Lois for forgetting what Oliver's done. Lois says she's not that gullible and that she knows Oliver is just begging for forgiveness. There's some blonde girl on a calendar hung up on the wall, but I can't place her. Clark suggests that if Oliver shows up in person to beg, Lois should not answer the door. Lois pours flour in a bowl. Clark says that he went to talk to Oliver at his apartment. Lois is mad. She asks what Clark was thinking. That's like asking what colors are in a white room. Clark explains that he was looking out for her. She says she has 20/20 vision and that she looks out for herself. Huh?

Clark says that when he went to the apartment, he found a needle and a syringe. Don't those usually go together? Clark thinks Oliver's doing drugs. Lois automatically believes Clark. She says that it would explain all the times Oliver disappeared; she should have known. O ye of little faith. She says Oliver told her that Thanksgiving is a hard time of year for him and that he thinks about his dead parents. By the way, didn't last week's episode take place in the summer, or at least six weeks after Dark Thursday? And now it's Thanksgiving? Clark thinks Lois should avoid Oliver for now. Lois says that Oliver has a substance abuse problem, not leprosy. She says she won't abandon him when she's needed the most. Clark says Oliver's not himself right now and probably isn't someone Lois should be around. She tells Clark that that's the difference between her and Clark -- she doesn't desert people when they need help. Oh, shut up, Lois. How many times have Clark and MamaKent helped you out of a jam?

A dark laboratory with neon lighting. Some lab mice are crawling upside down in glass cages, which automatically makes them more interesting to me than a scene featuring Lois. A comely lady doctor wearing way too much makeup for lab work is writing on a chart instead of on, say, a laptop. "You're a miracle worker, doc," someone says, surprising her. She tells Oliver Queen that they need to talk. Oliver, wearing a nice suit jacket with his jeans, says they certainly do. He says that he was injured badly enough to use the "RL65." The luxury sedan? The brightly lit shelves to LabLady make it look like she's standing in the supermarket aisle with the milk and eggs. Actually, maybe she is dealing with milk and eggs. Oliver says the RL65 works. Perfectly. He says he also cut his hand and after one injection, he was completely healed. That is one fine luxury sedan. LabLady says worriedly, "Well, don't take any more." Oliver says that last time he checked, she works for him. LabLady, furrowing her severe eyebrows, says that the lab mice have been exhibiting irrational cognitive behavior. More troubling, she says, is their violent tendencies. Have you ever seen a lab mouse shiv another lab mouse for some stale provolone? It's not pretty. Oliver says he's not a mouse (he's a man!) and he feels fine. Squeak! She asks if he's had any lapses in judgment. Well, he has been dating Lois. Case closed! She asks if he's had any outbursts of anger. GODDAMMIT, NO, YOU STUPID LAB WENCH! "Not really," Oliver hedges. He says, however, that he's starting to feel one coming on right now. She says that Oliver is risking psychosis to climb Mount Everest or jump out of his Lear Jet. Oliver says this isn't about recreation. He argues that they're on the verge of a medical breakthrough that could save countless lives. So selfless! He says that he's more than honored to be the guinea pig. He grabs some test tubes, which are under a boiling pot of green liquid. Oliver, with bags under his eyes, looks like Evil Tom Cruise. Or rather, Tom Cruise. "Trust me," says a clammy Oliver, "I can handle the occasional temper tantrum." The LabLady is so worried she blinks and stares off into space.

MamaKent is cooking. She giggles while talking by phone to a senator just as she's about to cut some celery. She wishes the senator a happy Thanksgiving. There's a knock at the back door. We see Papa Luthor framed in a festive Thanksgiving wreath. That is seriously old school and I love it. I bet MamaKent is the kind of mom who goes around poking you in the stomach and going, "Gobblegobble!" That rocks. She greets Papa happily and says that she was just about to call him. She says she didn't get his RSVP. "Ah," he says in that awesome Gloverian way, "that is why I'm here." With a lot of "uh"s, he stumbles his way into saying that he won't be able to make it. MamaKent says that's too bad; she was looking forward to seeing him. He tells her that after his wife died, he somehow decided to stop celebrating the holiday. Yeah, fuck those pilgrims. She asks him to make an exception because they'd love to have him over. Papa scoffs and says he doesn't think Clark would agree. Clark has actually been pretty friendly to Papa Luthor lately. Papa says that the holidays will be difficult enough this year for Clark without extra complications. How thoughtful of the Magnificent Bastard. Sweetly, MamaKent says he's not a complication; he's a part of her life now. She quietly says that she's very thankful for that. Papa's mouth works, but nothing comes out at first. "Do you know what that means to me?" he asks, and it just breaks your heart. He leans in close. MamaKent looks at him lovingly. He comes closer. They're about to kiss. Looking frightened, Papa Luthor pulls away. "Martha," he whispers. He backs away quickly, heading for the door. He says he didn't mean to -- that he's sorry, but -- well, he's just sorry. He leaves without waiting for MamaKent to tell him how totally hot that was. She's left teary-eyed. Magnificent!

Daily Planet. Chloe, followed by Clark, is holding a baggie with a syringe in it. Clark says that he broke in and took it from Oliver's place. Seriously, Clark, you should work for Homeland Security. Chloe says she never thought that she'd be calling Oliver a junkie. So why not wait until the evidence is in, then? Clark says that he doesn't think Oliver is getting high. Chloe thinks Clark is being naÃ¯ve. She goes on that Clark should know people have secrets to hide and that it would fit that a jet-setting billionaire would have a habit. Clark asks her to have the sample checked out. Chloe says that her biochem buddy at Met U. can check it out if he hasn't already left for Thanksgiving break. So, wait. The university is still operating? I thought it was closed down for the semester. Clark asks Chloe about the Green Arrow story that ran in the paper. He asks if the witness actually saw Green Arrow get shot. Chloe says no, but adds that the couple getting carjacked said he saved them that night. She says he hasn't been spotted since. We see Lana walking down some stairs. Chloe tries to get Clark out of there. She pushes an elevator button for Clark and promises to call him with the lab results. Clark asks if Chloe is trying to get rid of him. She asks why she'd want to do that. Clark notices Lana. Lana notices Clark. "Hi!" she says. Chloe tels Clark that she and Lana were going to get lunch together. Clark tells them to have a good time. He takes the elevator. "Well, that wasn't awkward at all," Chloe says sarcastically. He has superhearing, you know. Chloe says she tried to keep the heavenly bodies from colliding, but there's only so much she can do. "Heavenly bodies?" Really, Chloe? That's what you think?

Lana asks Chloe whether she can check something out for her before they head for lunch. "My Google is your Google," Chloe tells her. She asks what Lana needs. Lana, wearing what looks like a black top from the Kids' Witch Collection at Kay Bee Toys, asks about the halfway house. She says Lex told her it wasn't safe. Chloe says most of them aren't exactly amusement parks. Lana thinks Lex has been a little secretive lately and that there's more to the story. Chloe seems to have gotten a haircut, but it'll grow back in time for Thanksgiving dinner. Chloe tells Lana that she's being cautious and smart. She asks if Lana is all right. Lana's eyes are rolling back in her head. She faints and falls in front of Chloe's desk. Chloe goes to help her. "What happened?" Lana asks, rising. Chloe says she fainted. She offers to get Lana to a doctor, but Lana tells Chloe not to worry and if she can keep this incident a secret.

Clock tower, night. The clock has weird, ugly red and blue neon colors on its face at night. Oliver's inside, wearing most of his Green Arrow duds. He turns on his video screen and sees footage of the guy who shot him. The screen goes to static when the shot is fired. Oliver takes two RL65 vials with him as he gathers his things. Just then, Lois walks in. She sees Green Arrow, now wearing the hoodie and the arrow pack, seemingly rummaging through Oliver's desk. Green Arrow grabs a cross bow. Lois tries to be sneaky. She grabs a huge barbell and comes up behind him. She cracks him right across the shoulder. Ow! Green Arrow pushes Lois back and she lands through the glass desk just like Lex fell through a glass desk last week. Must have been a two-for-one prop sale. Green Arrow, wearing sunglasses, tries to explain. Lois tells him to get away. She says she'll rip his green head off, and that she's calling the cops. Lois pulls out her cell phone. Green Arrow runs away. A damn lot of Lois's pelvis is exposed from those low-slung jeans. She grabs at her back. Her hand comes away bloody. Lois tells the 911 operator that she needs an ambulance. She asks them to hurry. Apparently, it doesn't go without saying.

Commercials. The Air Force wants you to fly some sweet planes. My dad was in the Air Force and I mostly remember him working at a desk, but I'm sure some people do get to fly around. Maybe they'll let you fly a desk!

A dark and scary medical exam room. If all doctors' offices looked like this, we wouldn't have to worry much about health care premiums. Everyone would just stay home and buy leeches. A doctor asks Lana, who is wearing a hospital gown, if she's fainted before. She says that she's done it three times in the last month. The doctor asks if the headaches she's been having have been sharp or dull. "Sharp, like a knife." Lana says. Not dull like this episode? Lana says that it's getting worse. Soon, the headaches will rob her of the desire to gather nuts for the winter. Lana says she's tried all the over-the-counter pain relievers, but none of them work. What twenty-year-old says, "Over-the-counter pain relievers?" Does she work for GlaxoSmithKline? The doctor says that with a few more tests, they'll have a clear picture. Lana looks even more worried. She can't deal with having a clear picture.

Papa Luthor, sleeves rolled up, is sitting at his desk looking at a book full of Kryptonian symbols and drawings. The doors to his office open and MamaKent is standing there, looking like a gajillion bucks. Tax free! Papa Luthor, wearing suspenders, stands. "Martha!" he says. He closes the book and greets her warmly, clearly delighted to see her. He says he's glad she's here and that he hasn't been able to stop thinking about what happened. All right, all right, Papa Luthor. I don't usually have to tell you this, but man, you gots to play it coooool. Brutha. MamaKent flashes a small smile as he stumbles. He says that he wants to apologize. MamaKent tells him she didn't come here for an apology. She came here for some Magnificent Lovin'! I knew it! She tells him he did nothing wrong. "I did," he says, "I had no right to presume that I could --" before she cuts him off. MamaKent says simply, "There's something between us." She says neither of them knows what it is, but she's not ready to find out. "Not yet," she adds. Aw. Boo. Papa Luthor blinks. Nods. Deflates a bit in his pants. "I understand," he says. But if you don't mind, he needs to run to the bathroom to explain it to his Magnificent Member. MamaKent says she doesn't think he does understand. "I value our relationship," she tells him, "I really want you to be with me for Thanksgiving." And bring your turkey waddle underwear. Papa says that in that case, of course he'll be there. He takes her hand and chuckles. MamaKent smiles. He is so totally her bitch right now.

Smallville Medical Center. You didn't think we'd have an episode without this place, did you? Lois is lying down in an exam room. Clark walks in without knocking and asks what happened. Lois says that she walked in on Green Arrow doing a "Reverse-Santa Claus" on Oliver's apartment. She says it was only a matter of time before the Green Arrow struck at Oliver. She says she managed to get a few hits in of her own and that the guy will be nursing a cracked rib, at least. Clark asks if she's talked to Oliver or if he's visited. Lois says no. She says that she tried him on all his phone numbers. Lois tells Clark she's nervous, because Oliver is either on a crazy drug bender or the Green Arrow has gotten to him. Clark says not to worry and that he'll do everything he can to track him down. "Yeah, that'll be a big help," Lois says, in her most assholeish tone, "I'll just call Chloe." Just to be an even bigger ass, she starts dialing right in front of Clark.

Overhead view of the streets of Metropolis. Thunderous music plays. The thug who shot Oliver is climbing out of a window onto a rooftop. He's carrying a big bag. "I'll take that," says Green Arrow, in his goofy deep voice. He's been standing there waiting. The Skeet Ulrich-like Thug says he put a bullet in Green Arrow's chest. "Now you're gonna pay for it," Green Arrow answers. The guy tries to swing, but Green Arrow throws him down. He whips out the crossbow and points it at Skeet. "I don't think so," Skeet says. He runs to the ledge and swan dives right off the roof. Green Arrow walks to the edge and looks down. Skeet is lying down on street level.

We go down there and see Skeet get up, his bones and flesh cracking back into shape. Skeet stands up. Green Arrow is already there to grab him, and throws him against a fence, punches him in the kidney, and asks how he survived the fall. "Yoga!" Skeet replies. Hey, I like this guy. Green Arrow. asks whom the thug is working for and threatens to call the cops. Skeet says that he'll call anyway, so Green Arrow threatens him with pain. After just two weak punches, Skeet is ready to talk. He says there's a doctor at the halfway house who gives them vitamin shots. "That's some kinda vitamin, huh?" Skeet asks. Green Arrow gruntingly asks for the doctor's name. Skeet doesn't know.Green Arrow asks what the doctor looks like. Skeet says the doctor is a chick. Well, that narrows it down.

Lair of the LabLady. She's disposing of vials in a medical waste dumpster. Every time she drops a tube into the thing, it flashes with blue electricity. The camera pans over and we see Lex standing nearby in a black suit. "Waste not, want not," he says. He asks whether she has a bad batch. LabLady says that the project is shut down. Lex says he may have come into the game late, but that he's paying them a lot more than Oliver Queen. The LabLady says that she's the one shutting this down. She doesn't care about Lex's rivalry. Lex says that this research has become a personal cause for him. LabLady says that she won't contribute to any more violence. "You should have thought about that when you took my money," Lex tells her. LabLady says she was blinded by greed, but now that people are being hurt, money's not a factor. She says she'll start from scratch and that all existing RL65 will be destroyed. Noooo! Lex says he's sorry but he can't let her do that. He gets up in her space.

Daily Planet newsroom. Clark comes in to visit Chloe. She asks how Lois is doing. She couldn't visit herself? I guess it's all the way in Smallville. Wait, why did they take Lois all the way to the Smallville hospital when she got hurt in Metropolis? I really hate the way characters have to shuttle back and forth on this show. Just settle on a location and stick with it. Quit pussyfooting around about closed-down university dorms and apartments above coffee houses in Smallville. Clark says that Lois is physically fine, but that she's looking for Oliver. Chloe says this might help: her friend analyzed what was in the syringe. It's not a narcotic; it's a molecular modifier that has to do with tissue regeneration. The Kleenex people are going to kill for this! Chloe says it can heal, but that it also affects a part of the brain called the amygdala. Gesundheit. She says it can trigger violent and aggressive behavior. Chloe asks why Oliver would be injecting that stuff. Clark doesn't know, but he plans to find Oliver before he does something regrettable. Clark asks who created the drug. Chloe finds the name Pamela Black, a former Princeton professor who is working with Queen Industries. Clark knows where to go .

Clark and Chloe show up at the lab. Everything is dark. Things are in disarray. They see LabLady lying on the floor. She's dead. Chloe says the place has been pillaged. Clark can't believe Oliver would do this. Chloe says it wasn't Oliver. She sees a green arrow way up on a wall. Chloe assumes that Green Arrow was the murderer. Clark opens up a metal panel on the wall. He finds folders from a halfway house in Metropolis. Oh, give me a fucking break. Clark used his X-ray vision to find some folders? Were they bright orange in his view with the word "CLUES!" on them? Clark, in two seconds, has figured out that the doctor was giving residents the same drug that Oliver was taking. I didn't know ESP was one of Clark's powers. Chloe says that Lex's foundation funds the halfway house. Clark thinks that Lex co-opted the scientist. Chloe still thinks the Green Arrow is responsible. Clark thinks Lex might be the target.

Stately Luthor Manor, nighttime. A shooting star passes over the castle. Lana is sitting by the fire, looking nauseous and sad. She's still wearing all black. Clark enters the room, uninvited. He's standing behind Lana. "Sorry," he says. Lana doesn't turn. Clark says that he's looking for Lex. Oh, go do your awful sexy gay things! Leave me be! Lana says Lex isn't here. Also? Dave's not home, man. Clark asks if she's all right. Lana says she's fine even though she's crying. Clark says she doesn't look fine. He says she can talk to him. Uh, no she can't, dude. It's way weird. Lana asks if Clark ever wishes he could go back in time and everything would be different. He sort of can. "All the time," Clark tells her. Lana gulps. Clark puts a hand on her back and asks what happened. Lana pulls away. Clark asks what Lex did. Lana says he didn't do anything. Except her. Clark says that if she's in trouble, he can help. Lana says this has nothing to do with him. "Could you please just go?" she asks. She wants to cry some more. Clark leaves her side. He glances back before he goes.

Commercials. All right, I admit it. I like the V CAST pixie lady. That she drinks coffee is just icing on the cute cake.

Metropolis at night. Overly dangerous-sounding music is playing. Lex and an associate are walking down a dark hallway. As Lex waits for an elevator, his lackey says that a car is waiting for him. We hear the sound of an arrow thwunking -- it hits Lex's lackey right in the back. He falls. Green Arrow is standing at the other end of the hall. "Work's not over yet," he tells Lex. He raises his crossbow and aims at our bald baddie.

What looks like Papa Luthor's office. A piece of paper is laid on the desk. "What is this?" Lex asks. Green Arrow is aiming an arrow right at Lex's face. Green Arrow says that the contract Lex is to sign will divide his assets among the fifty global charities on the form. Yeah, like that's gonna hold up in court. Lex can just say he signed under duress and at crossbow-point. Lex asks what he's done to deserve this. Green Arrow says that after Lex's "lofty" support of the Second Chance Halfway House, he found out what Lex and the doctor were doing to the residents. Lex says he was lied to. Green Arrows tells Lex that the doctor is now dead. I guess you could blame the drugs, but why did he leave an arrow at the scene of the crime? Green Arrow accuses Lex of killing the doctor to cover his tracks. "You're delusional," Lex says. Green Arrow points his crossbow closer. "Sign it," he insists. Lex opens up a pen and does so. Or at least he tries, but he shakes the pen. Green Arrow asks what he's doing. Lex says it's out of ink.

Just then, Lex pulls a silver gun from under the desk and draws it quickly. "Drop it!" Lex yells. Green Arrow steps back, but doesn't drop his weapon. Lex asks what's faster -- an arrow or a bullet. The camera focuses from Lex's face to the gun and from the arrow to Green Arrow's face. Lex hasn't figured out that it's Oliver yet? I can understand Lois's stupidity, but I can't believe Lex hasn't put the pieces together. Green Arrow says there's only one way to find out. Slow pulling of triggers. They both fire. The bullet and arrow fire past one another in CGI slow motion. Both men are shot and each of them falls back. Smart, guys.

Green Arrow's mask falls off. Oliver breathes hard. He uncaps a syringe and injects himself. Clark finally shows up. He sees Oliver. He also sees Lex lying across the room. "What have you done?" Clark asks Oliver. Oliver says that Lex pulled a gun and that he had no choice. Clark goes to Lex. Lex has an arrow in his chest. Blood has trickled out of his mouth. Clark calls Lex's name. Oliver, already standing, tells Clark to let nature take its course. Clark says that's the drugs talking, not Oliver. That's weird because it sounded just like Oliver. Oliver says the drug is the best thing that's ever happened to him. He says he's not bulletproof like Clark and that he has to do whatever it takes. Clark grabs Oliver roughly. "You're not a killer!" Clark barks. Oliver says that Lex is; the world is a better place without him. Clark hesitates, then says that it's not up to them to decide whether Lex dies.

Clark demands where the drugs are. Oliver says that Lex took it all from the lab. Clark finds a suitcase sitting conveniently nearby. It's full of drug vials. Clark fills a syringe full of the junk and bends down to give it to Lex. Like we haven't seen that before. Oliver puts a hand down to get in the way and tells Clark to let Lex die. Clark pushes Oliver away, sending him flying across the room. Oliver hits a metal door hard. Damn, Clark! Clark injects Lex, which is a bit of a switch. Clark feels for a pulse. Clark stands. "You killed him," Clark tells Oliver. To make the point, Clark repeats the line. It doesn't last. Behind Clark, Lex moans. Clark and Oliver exchange "oh shit!" looks. Close-up on Lex's hand. It twitches. Lex takes a breath and wakes up. Wow, this camera angle really makes him look pudgy with his chin all bundled up there. Lex slowly gets up. He sees the blood on his shirt. Clark must have thoughtfully removed the arrow. Lex finds the arrow tip on the floor. Cupid? Was that you?

A cloudy day in Metropolis, daytime. Oliver, wearing a black pullover, is sitting at his desk, brooding about all the bad things he done did lately. Dang. Clark comes in through the elevator. "Who am I dealing with, Jekyll or Hyde?" Clark pointedly asks. I would say...Oliver. Oliver scoffs and then agrees with me. Clark notes that he hasn't broken any glasses today. Oliver puts up with Clark's self-righteousness a little longer. "Right," he agrees. Clark asks what made Oliver come to his senses. Oliver says that Clark did it. He says that this whole time he wanted to be like Clark Kent. Dude, no! Aim higher! He says he wanted to be able to save the world without worrying about getting killed in the process. He says that he finally realized that Clark Kent would never take another man's life. Well, not completely on purpose. Er, I mean, not exactly you know. Shit happens, bro. Like almost every week. Oliver says that he came close to doing just that. "I'm not even in your league," Oliver says. Ha ha ha, sigh. Justice League. Yeah, we get it. Clunk. Clark says that Oliver does a lot of good in this world. Other worlds? Eh, not so much. Clark says that you don't need to be indestructible to be a hero. Says the indestructible guy. Oliver says that he needs to be thankful for the gifts he has. He knows that. "Me too," Clark agrees.

Clark says, "Come on." He says Oliver shouldn't be alone on Thanksgiving. He says the bird is waiting. By which he means Lois, the squawking one. Oliver says he appreciates the offer, but Lois will be there and he doesn't think she'll want to see him. Clark says that now that Oliver is back on track, he's sure Lois will. Oliver asks what happened to all the lectures about secret identities being incompatible with relationships. Clark sighs. He says that he and Oliver are different. "And Lois isn't Lana," Clark says. And I can't figure out which one is worse. Clark says that if they're meant to be together, he won't stand in their way. How big of you, Clark.

The Talon apartment. Chloe is putting some crinkly brown flowers into a table centerpiece. It's festive in a dead leaf sort of way. There's a knock at the door. Chloe answers it. It's Lana wearing a heavy white coat with black flaps. Chloe asks if she's feeling any better. Chloe pulls out a folder and says that she did some "due diligence" on the halfway house for Lana. Lana interrupts to say she's not there to talk about the halfway house. A simple "thanks" for having Chloe doing your research for you would suffice, Lana. Chloe's confused. She says there are some things Lana should know about Lex. Lana says that she doesn't want to hear anything more about Lex. "I can't," Lana says. Chloe asks what's going on. Lana looks town. Her lip trembles (the bottom one). "Chloe. I'm pregnant," Lana says. , on a very special Smallville: when young people have sex on TV one time, it always leads to pregnancy. Always! Especially when it's super-special evil seed from the gonads of Lex Luthor. I predict the name of the baby will be "Lollipop" and the child will be spear bald. That's gonna be one fun childhood. Chloe is about to say something but instead she hugs Lana. They stand in the apartment, hugging. Lana cries.

What, no EPT commercial? I'm disappointed.

Kent Farm. The cows are asking, "Has anybody seen Clyde the turkey? Anybody? I swear, he was just here earlier this week. I'm sure he'll turn up by Friday." And then, we're inside the Casa de Kent. Lois puts down on the counter her crappy Ass Goulash confection. Clark, for once wearing a nice dress shirt, asks, "Did you cook that on the barbecue?" Ha. Nice one, Clark. Lois says that it's crispy on the outside, but it's what's on the inside that counts. Cold, cold beets and strained beef stew in marshmallows. MamaKent lies: "I'm sure it's delicious." She asks Clark to put the hot plate on the table. Clark asks if Lois has talked to Oliver. "Don't go there, Smallville," she says. Take away the comma and I think it's advice we could all take. The doorbell rings. Clark says he thinks that's for Lois. She just says, "hm," and then goes to answer it.

Chloe tells Clark that she just talked to Jimmy, who is at his mother's house. Chloe tells Clark that Jimmy told her the killer of the doctor was arrested and it wasn't the Green Arrow; it was someone from the halfway house. Chloe helps set a very long table with silverware. Clark thinks Lex is somehow behind the murder. Chloe doesn't think it's provable. She says Lex's shredders are probably working overtime right now. Clark asks if Lana knows about this. Clark says that he went to the mansion and Lana was upset about something and wonders whether she's all right. Chloe, looking wounded, says she's fine as far as she knows. Clark doesn't seem to believe Chloe.

Lois opens the front door. Oliver is standing there, wearing a suit and bearing flowers. "Happy Turkey Day," he tells her. Lois says she's been worried about him. Oliver says that's all over now. He says he's like a walking drug-free zone. Lois asks him that if she hugs him now whether she'll get stabbed by any stray needles. It is at exactly this time that Oliver should turn around, open the door and walk right out of there, then never speak to Lois again. Instead, he puts up with her idiocy and hugs her. God, I wish she did get stabbed by a stray needle. Oliver apologizes for hurting her. He kisses her hair. Folksy music starts to play.

Dinner table. Clark serves the turkey with a huge grin. (On Clark, not the turkey.) Lois is sitting to Oliver, who is sitting to MamaKent, who is sitting to Papa Luthor (!), who is sitting to Chloe, who is sitting to Clark, who is at the head of the table. Chatter and amiable conversation. Clark beams at everyone. Clark asks for everyone's attention. He announces that the Kent family has a tradition that goes back to before he was born. He says everyone takes a moment to say what they're most thankful for in their lives. Lois glances at Oliver. He fake-smiles back. Clark says that he's most thankful for his mom and dad. MamaKent smiles. Papa Luthor looks down. Clark says their faith in him taught him to have faith in himself. Clark says, "Thank you." MamaKent makes several wonderful faces. Everyone claps. The meal starts without anyone else saying what they're thankful for. I bet they're thankful that the episode is almost over. Lots of food. Ah, traditional Thanksgiving dishes...buttered Rolos. Breaded Stufflings. Candied Yak. Spiral-Cut Hands. Mean Joe Green Been Casserole. Monster-Mashed Potato Eyes. And of course, still-twitching Turkey Jerky Lurkey. Goddamn, that stuff makes me hungry. MamaKent and Papa Luthor toast with red wine. Oliver and Lois share a joke in slow motion as he passes some rolls. Papa Luthor passes some food to Chloe, who mouths, "Please don't kill me!" Clark watches everyone. Everything is softly lit and gauzy and pleasant. Lois and Oliver kiss. Chloe checks her phone. She grins at the text message. It reads, "From: Jimmy -- I miss you!" Clark watches Chloe smile. He looks down, a little sadly.

We cut right to the Lair of Lex, where Lana, wearing a beautiful white gown and with her hair up, is served by one of two waiters. The waiter pours water for her. Across the very long table, Lex watches Lana. He remarks that she hasn't said a word all night. Lana, very made up, says everything is fine. She smiles. Lex raises a glass of red wine. "Happy Thanksgiving," he toasts. Lana raises her glass of wine. A very nice wide shot of the long table with Lana on the left and Lex on the right. Lex drinks. Lana puts down her wine glass without taking a drink and starts to eat. Lex does, too, but the two don't speak. And baby makes three.