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At a fancy dress-up gala, MamaKent's expensive necklace, on loan from Papa Luthor, is stolen by a dashing Robin Hood-like fellow wearing green leather and wielding an arrow. Gee, ya think it might be the guy who dressed like Robin Hood to the very public charity ball last week? No one seems to think so. Lois almost catches the guy, who we all know is Oliver Queen, the guy she's dating. Even being able to see almost all of his face except for his eyes and hair, Lois still can't figure out his identity. Clark tries to track down the thief and it doesn't take him long to figure out that it's Oliver. Clark agrees to keep his secret even as Lois is trying to write a newspaper story to expose "The Green Arrow Bandit." Her exposing gets her into trouble as rich people trying to recover their missing loot kidnap Lois and try to get her to reveal the thief's identity. Clark gives his Arrow friend a lecture about keeping secrets from people you want to date, and Arrow hints at some sort of league they might want to form that would dispense justice. Wonder what they'd call it. Meanwhile, Lex is trying to figure out the space coaster he found in his office. Lana rapidly develops a personality, blackmailing a scientist into not helping Papa Luthor get in the way of Lex's research. Yes, it's Evil/Sneaky Lana all of a sudden. Lex must have fucked the good right out of her. Turns out Papa Luthor was testing Lana's loyalty to Lex, as Lex's asking. Everyone is sneaky this week. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
So remember last week when I was complaining that the San Antonio-area CW station, KCWX, wasn't running closed captioning, which I think is some sort of broadcasting crime? Well, this week they had a commercial foul-up that cut into about five minutes of the show. Nice! week, I'm expecting them to either disable the horizontal hold or just run a logo with a big middle finger sticking out at viewers with the words, "Fuck da ratings! We just hate you! Go watch Ugly Betty!"
Fly-over of Metropolis at night. Elegant music is playing. We open on MamaKent's neck and shoulders. I could think of many worse ways to start the show. She's wearing a very formal gown and an expensive-looking diamond necklace that's supposed to represent either tiny shrimp or question marks. She looks very nervous. She puts a hand to the necklace and fidgets with it. Papa Luthor -- decked out in a traditional (and yes, dashing) tuxedo -- brings her a drink. MamaKent drinks what looks like water. She thanks Papa Luthor, but says that she feels self-conscious borrowing the necklace. Papa Luthor says that the jewelry shouldn't stay locked up in the LuthorCorp vault, and should be worn for the first time by a beautiful woman. Why, you old such-and-such! MamaKent smiles, flattered. Papa says it's time to meet the Metropolis moneybags, and that she'll need them to fund her bid for the U.S. Senate. You know, she just took a state senate seat she didn't even win on her own. Isn't that a little early to be thinking about? MamaKent and Papa Luthor walk out of frame.
The camera stays on the hobnobbers, and frames the entrance, where Oliver, wearing a regular suit and tie, and Lois, wearing (what else?) a cleavage-baring gown with a pearl necklace, come into the room. Oliver takes Lois's coat, handing it to someone, and reminds Lois that this is a party. PAAAARTAAAY! Lois says she knows to stay away from discussion of politics, religion, and bad dye jobs. She looks right at Oliver when she says this, but he doesn't take offense. A group of older social butterflies (and a few moths) chats. The oldest of the group calls out, "Ollie!" Ooh, where's Sifl? "It's been too long! Come over here!" the old man hollers. God, I hope he's not a molester. That would be awkward. The seemingly much younger trophy wife of the old man seductively says, "Hi, Oliver!" I bet they had a thing. It's Mr. Westcott and his wife Candace. Indeed. Oliver introduces them to Lois. "Hey!" she says, jutting her hand out at them. Mr. Westcott calls himself "Simon" and kisses her hand. He says it's his pleasure. "Likewise!" says Lois, smiling at Oliver as if she just found a vein of gold up in the mountains and is proud of the fact. She tells "Simon" that she thought he was very eloquent at the Congressional indictment hearings. Westcott's smile fades. "Sorry about your oil tanker!" Lois sputters. "I'd hate to be a pelican in that harbor, huh?" The Westcotts are shocked and scandalized! The nerve! They are suddenly overcome by the vapors! "Well, we're gonna go," Oliver says immediately. "It's our cue, so...." He leads Lois away. You can't take that girl anywhere! And apparently you can take Lois out of The Talon, but you can't take the dumb asshole out of Lois. Oliver says that he forgot to mention "public humiliation" as a party don't. Oliver tells Lois that he's going to get them some drinks and asks her, in a slightly joking way, not to talk to anybody. It's tremendously good advice.
On the other side of the room, Papa Luthor rings his glass with a spoon to get everyone's attention. It's time for a spoon jig! Gather 'round! He thanks everyone for coming and hopes that they're having a splendid time reconnecting with old friends. Or seething from old feuds. We pan across the back of his head as the partygoers beam at him. He introduces MamaKent, who he hopes will be a new friend to them all. He mentions her current status as the state senator, and touts her as their future United States Senator. Big applause. MamaKent thanks Papa Luthor and is about to speak when an arrow crosses the room, hitting an electrical panel. A burst of sparks showers behind MamaKent as people gasp. The lights go off. A man in a plastic hood runs up, snatches the necklace from MamaKent with a "Thank you!," and rushes off. Lois yells, "Hey!" She chases the dude and grabs a serving tray on her way, knocking over what I'm sure were some delicious and expensive treats. The guy in green leather goes down a hallway, where his bow folds into a very compact carry-along. Behind him, Lois runs up and tries to smash him in the face with the tray. He knocks it away easily, and then pulls Lois close. Breathing heavily, Lois sees a ring on a necklace around his neck. "Gimme the necklace," Lois says. "You forgot to say please," says the dashing guy with the Unabomber hoodie. Come on, we know it's Oliver, and so should Lois. It's the same chin, mouth, and nose. Just because he's got sunglasses on doesn't mean she shouldn't recognize him. Oliver/Hoodie Man reaches out with some sort of mini-crossbow gun and pulls a trigger. An arrow flies up, pulling him with a retractable cord like a certain Caped Crusader. Lois grabs at him, but he's already flying up a shaft. Lois opens her hand. She was able to grab the dude's ring and necklace. Nice score! But probably not as expensive as the necklace he got away with.
Opening credits. Commercials. Yes, the Nintendo DS is all that and a bag of microchips.
Metropolis, the same night. Hey, is that the University of Texas clock tower I see? We're in Oliver's massive office, which looks even nicer at night. Lois is telling someone from the authorities that she can't ID the thief because he didn't stick around to chat. Well, you saw about 80% of his face. You know he's white. You know his height and build. I think Lois is just being lazy. The heavy talking to Lois says that she almost caught the guy, but expects him to believe that she didn't see anything. What did I just say? Lazy! Lois tells that guy that Papa Luthor pays "a gazillion" dollars to SafeTex for security, so he shouldn't blame her if a boy scout with an archery badge crashed the party. The thick fellow from SafeTex looks like he wants to slap her across the mouth. Buddy, take a number; the line starts behind a bunch of our forum posters. Oliver comes over and tells the guy that Lois has made her point. The SafeTex guy just stands there, seething. It's not too late for a slap! Oliver says she'll call if she remembers anything. Lois smirks. Even when she's not talking she can't shut the fuck up. The heavy exits. He wants to go break something.
After the guy has gone, Oliver asks what Lois isn't telling. "I just nabbed the story of my life!" says Lois. Let's hope so, because I'm not really interested in seeing any bigger stories from her in the future. Lois says that "William Tell" isn't the only one who came away with a serious party favor. She shows Oliver the silver ring she nabbed. Oliver looks at it. The jig is up, dude!
"Mr. Queen?" someone calls. Yes, Ms. King? Big Dumb Clark is led in by another security fellow. Blue jacket. Red shirt. Noooo class. "My mom told me you were here," says Clark. Lois calls him "Smallville," and says that it's almost midnight. Clark doesn't know how to read the clock tower. Surprised, Oliver says, "You're Clark Kent?" "You must be Oliver Queen," Clark guesses. They shake hands for just a little too long. Did I see somebody wiggle a finger in there? In the background of the handshake, we can see a family crest. It's got greenery, antlers coming out of the head of a suit of armor, and three green arrows pointing up toward some reindeer. Except for the arrows, this could be a sweater your grandma would wear for Christmas. ["You haven't met my grandma. She's hardcore." -- Wing Chun] Clark stares. Oliver chuckles. He says that the way Lois described Clark, Oliver thought Clark would be a little more -- "I could use some water!" Lois interrupts. "A little more what?" Clark asks. "Well..." Oliver says. "Of a geek?" Clark asks. Lois says that Clark isn't exactly jumping the velvet ropes at nightclubs. Thank God. We've seen Clark trying to be a club kid. Clark looks amused and tries to go sarcastic. He says it's nice to see Lois has found someone who can overlook her personality. Ooh, burn! And Clark didn't even have to eyejaculate. Oliver goes in for the kill. He says that if he had to live under the same roof as such a beautiful woman, he'd mask his feeling with sarcasm, too. Ouch! Clark is on the ropes! Oliver pats Clark on the shoulder as he walks by. Lois scoffs. She and Clark both say, "'Feelings'?" Lois tells Clark to stick with his day job. At least I think she's talking to Clark; who the hell knows what happens whenever she's speaking.
Clark says that he's only there to help find the necklace; he doesn't want his mom to be indebted to Papa Luthor. Oliver says that she should have thought of that before she accepted his help with fundraising. Oliver says that if Clark is trying to help pickpocketed billionaires, he might want to add a few to the list. It doesn't make any sense that Oliver would tell Clark this, but whatever. Oliver says that about a dozen movers and shakers in Metropolis have been robbed lately. "Good. Then there's some leads," Clark says. Oliver tells him that Papa Luthor has been uncooperative with the fuzz. Oliver asks whether Clark finds it interesting that Papa never called the police. Clark gives his Blue Steel gaze. Lois blah blahs about them marking their territory (adding that their territory is not her), and then excuses herself to write a front-page article that she says is missing a few key details. On her way out, she tells them to play nice. Clark stares angrily at Oliver. Oliver's gaydar just circled back on itself and hit 100% a second time.
Stately Luthor Manor. Lex and Lana enter the Lair of Lex, all out of breath, but it's not what you think. They're wearing workout clothes, so the panting is probably not from all the incredible fucking they've been doing since last week's episode. Although, you never know. Maybe the workout clothes are crotchless. Lex jokes with Lana about her sprint up the last hill where they were jogging. "I always suspected you couldn't handle me," she teases. Lex is like, "DAMN, woman! I just gave you sweet sprinting five minutes ago!" The security team (ha!) escorts a very nerdy-looking man into the room. "Dr. Grohl!" Lex says. "Did we have a meeting?" This guy could totally be Dave Grohl's dad. Lex sips on his blu botol water, the gay effect of which is nullified by how much he's been totally fucking Lana Lang all week. Have I mentioned that they've been fucking? They have. Dr. Grohl says that he needs a few words with Lex. Those words are "pantswaist" and "needlewonky." Obviously, the words project needs work. Grohl makes a big production of touching his giant glasses and arching his eyebrows. "In private," he says dramatically. It's not dinner theater, dude. You can tone it down a notch. Lex says that the scientist can say anything in front of "Miss Lang." By the way, has Lex mentioned that he's totally fucking her? Because he is. It's not like it's a secret or anything, Grohl. "It's about the device," Grohl says. The fucking device? Oh, wait, the other one. Right. Grohl opens a black suitcase and pulls out the non-fuckular device, the broken Kryptonian space coaster. Lana stares at it hungrily, and then steps forward. "Where'd you get that?" she asks. Grohl doesn't answer. Lex says that he found it, and that he asked Grohl to figure out what the thing does. That was before he totally started fucking Lana Lang. Have we mentioned...? Grohl says that it's a power source much greater than anything developed on Earth. But is it more powerful than '80s superband The Power Station? I didn't think so. Lana is so turned on, and not by Lex all of a sudden. Grohl says that the device could solve the world's energy problems. Lex says that for someone about to save the world, Grohl's enthusiasm seems "temperate." This is as happy as Grohl gets, I suspect. Grohl says that there's a risk: if it falls into the wrong hands... "It could be used as a weapon," Lana finishes. She asks why Grohl didn't hand the device to the government if it's so dangerous. Lex says that he'd lose any chance at a Nobel Prize. Lex sips more fancy water. Grohl asks what Lex wants him to do. Lex tells him to keep working. "Very well," says the creepy Grohl. Lana is incredibly interested. But the close-up on Lex seems to signal that something more is going on here.
Fly-over near the Daily Planet globe. Chloe is moving some big file boxes around the office. Lois walks in. Chloe guesses right away that Lois needs help with her latest article. Lois jokes that the search engine at The Inquisitor is a highlighter and the Yellow Pages. Hasn't she heard of Google? Chloe asks whether MamaKent knows that Lois is moonlighting on her. Lois says that she's got this double-identity thing down. Is MamaKent too stupid to see Lois's name on the front page of the tabloid? Lois adds that she told MamaKent about it that morning. So this conversation is...pretty pointless, then? Chloe asks what this big story's about. Lois says that since they're now in the same biz, she probably shouldn't be leaking her stories. Chloe looks surprised: "I can't believe you don't trust me!" Lois says that it's not all of Chloe she doesn't trust; just one side of her. And it was at exactly this point that my CW station switched to about five minutes of commercials and that I had to find the rest of this scene with help from a friend. Fucking CW. Chloe says that she's not going to scoop Lois's story, and that watching Lois stumble through their database is like watching Clark try to dance. Ha! Awesome one, Chloe. Chloe asks again about the story. Lois gives in: she hands Chloe the ring and says that she snagged it before the "scumbag" ran away. Lois says that there's writing inside the ring, but that it's too faded to make out. Chloe takes a photo with a digital camera in the badly lit room with no time to focus. Gee, hope that shot comes out perfect. A green arrow suddenly hits a nearby post. It emits green vapor. Chloe and Lois both fall unconscious as nefarious music plays. The hooded leather man grabs the ring. He dashes off. Yoink!
Clock tower. The dude in the hoodie and glasses, who we know to be Oliver, puts the ring down to a picture frame. The photo is of the Queen family near the yacht that we saw recently. His lip quivers. Sadness!
Commercials. Because I had to sit through ten minutes of them, I'm not going to single any one of them out.
LuthorCorp HQ. Papa Luthor walks into his office, where he's surprised to find Lana Lang. He says that he hasn't seen her since the world was falling down around them. Papa adds, deliciously, that he heard Lana got a new landlord. Lana says she assumes Lex told his father that they're together. Papa Luthor just grunts as he pours his own bottle of expensive water. She asks whether he asked her there to talk about her relationship with Lex. Papa says that would be wildly inappropriate. He reminds her that, the last time they spoke, it was to discuss which one of them was going to kill Lex. He hands Lana a glass of water. Lana, nervous, says, "He wasn't himself." "But you were...completely yourself," Papa reminds her. Papa Luthor says that whole discussion came about due to the fact that Lex was obsessed with a piece of alien technology that could doom them all. He asks whether that sounds familiar. Lana smoothly says, "Mr. Luthor, this is all behind us now." Papa says that Lana only turns to him in times of crisis, but that they both know the crisis is far from over. Papa says that Lex found a piece of the alien tech. "Why do you think I moved into the mansion?" Lana lies. "Please tell me," Papa urges. Is Lana trying to be evil and manipulative? Lana says that she cares about Lex, but that part of being with him involves protecting him from himself. "I'm not naïve," Lana says, making me spit out my Gatorade. "I know that comes with the territory." Papa says that, at last, Lex has found his equal, and that sentence makes me so sad, I have to take a break. (Two hours later...) All right, I'm back. Papa says that watching over Lex isn't enough. He says that Lex is using all his resources to unlock the mysteries of that Pandora's Box. He warns that if Lex opens it, they might not be able to find a way to close it again. He actually looks convincingly frightened about the idea. "What do you think we should do?" Lana asks quietly. "Destroy it," Papa Luthor tells her.
The apartment over The Talon. Oliver is reading the newspaper. "'Green Arrow Bandit,'" he says, "doesn't really roll off the tongue." On a table nearby is a sketch of a dude who looks just like the Unabomber. Lois hangs the sketch on a pin board as Oliver recaps the action so far as it relates to Lois and the Green Arrow Bandit. "I'd say he's got a thing for you," Oliver says. Lois says that when Oliver's her editor, she'll care what he thinks. Oliver snarks that the whole sugar and spice thing never really took with her. Lois says it doesn't matter what the guy is called because she plans to have his face plastered all over the front page soon. Oliver says that unless he's missing something, Lois won't be able to ID the guy without the ring. Oliver says that he's not liking the idea of Lois using herself as bait. He's worried that anyone who's after the Green Arrow might go after her. Lois says that any enemy of the Arrow is a friend of hers, and that she'll be front row center when they lock the guy up. "Wouldn't want you on my jury," says Oliver, adding that he thought frontier justice was out of style these days. Lois asks if he's a bleeding-heart pacifist. "And that's worse than a knee-jerk fascist?" he retorts. Oliver kneels in front of Lois and asks her to forget about her story and go to Cancun with him right away. Lois says that as much as she'd like to be his beach bimbo, the only person she's spending the weekend with is dressed in leather and has a perverted fetish for archery. It doesn't occur to her that her boyfriend just took a bow and arrow set to a costume party? Oliver looks troubled. He eyes the sketch and thinks, "I look like I'm from an A-Ha video."
A huge construction site in Metropolis. Papa Luthor is consulting with some Teamster dudes about a building. He walks off just as Clark is approaching. They greet each other with a hearty handshake, and Papa says it's so good to see Clark. When is it not? Clark says that his mom's shaken up after the party. Papa says that despite what happened, MamaKent made a very good impression on some influential people. Clark says that she wasn't the only one. Papa assures Clark that his security team is on the case. "Unlike the police?" Clark asks. He wonders why Papa wouldn't report something like the necklace being stolen. Papa says that he doesn't want the whole city to know he's a sitting duck for robbery: "It's not wise to advertise our vulnerabilities, is it Clark?" Clark hands over printouts of other items recently stolen, including a Faberge egg. Papa is impressed with the items, but says that there's one client on the SafeTex client list that hasn't been hit already: "I don't wanna be late. You find it, huh?" He pats Clark on the arm as he walks off. Leaving Clark to figure something out on his own must be some sort of delay tactic. Clark looks down at the paper and sees Westcott's name on it. A plan!
Mission: Impossible-sounding music starts to play. Our Arrow-wielding character is casing an expensive-looking building wearing night-vision goggles that zoom in on Westcott, who is standing on the balcony, talking on the phone. Green Arrow, with his goofy green plastic hood, loads an arrow and pulls back on his bow. He aims not at Westcott, but at a spot above the building. We follow the tripod-looking arrow as it sails in slow motion, It connects a cord between buildings. Green Arrow latches on with another device and swings across the night. He lands and rolls on a rooftop. Inside the building are green motion-sensor beams crisscrossing a room full of expensive art. The necklace Clark just saw in a printout is on the neck of a Nefertiti bust. Sadly, that means Nefertiti is missing her titis. Green Arrow pulls back on his bow again and aims an arrow for the source of the green beams. He hits it dead center, causing the beams to refocus to the top part of the room. And that doesn't set the alarm off? The necklace is now free for the pickin'. He puts his folding bow away and walks briskly toward the prize. He pockets the necklace and turns to walk away. But there's Clark the killjoy waiting. "Who are you?" Clark asks. "Haven't you read?" Green Arrow says, in a very deep, computerized voice. "I'm the Green Arrow." Clark says he hopes the guy enjoyed his cult status while it lasted. G.A. says that Clark is taking the Neighborhood Watch idea a little too seriously. Clark puts out a hand and stops Green Arrow in his tracks. Green Arrow tries to punch Clark. Clark grabs the fist easily and throws G.A. back, breaking a pedestal. Nice one, Clark. You gonna pay for that? An alarm goes off. We cut to someone in a security room reacting, and then cut right back to Green Arrow on the floor. He says that it looks like he's not the only one with a secret. G.A. tells Clark that he's on the wrong side. He smiles, and it's so obviously Oliver's face that even Dumb-Ass Clark should have figured it out by now. Clark says he's not sure the police would agree. G.A. quickly fires a small arrow at Clark, but Clark dodges and catches it, to Green Arrow's amazement. The tip of the arrow was electrified. The security guard runs into the room. G.A. shoots again. This time we go into CGI slow motion. Clark dodges the arrow. This time it does its electrified damage on the lowly guard. Clark goes to help the guy as G.A. takes off. The guard spasms. Clark looks at the tip of the arrow. It's electrifying!
Commercials. Monopoly is back at McDonald's! Luckily, McDonald's is no longer a monopoly.
The corner of LuthorCorp and LuthorCorp. Inside, Dr. Grohl is entering an elevator. Lana is there, having left her meeting with Papa Luthor, apparently. She smiles at Grohl. Lana closes her eyes as if steeling herself for something unpleasant, like, say, acting. She reaches a hand out and stops the elevator, using her whole palm to push a button. Grohl asks what she's doing. She tells him that Papa Luthor knows about the black box, which looks anything but black or like a box. Lana says that Papa will do anything to get his hands on it. "Then you think I'm working with him," Grohl croaks in his low voice. "Not yet," Lana says. But she thinks that Papa will definitely approach him and make an offer that's hard to resist. Lana is speaking very slowly and deliberately, and it suits her better than her usual whisper-voice. She tells Grohl that when Papa Luthor makes that offer, Grohl will come to Lana and Lex. Grohl does the thing where he moves his eyeglasses half a millimeter again up his nose. He says that, with all due respect (she's due respect?), he works for Lex and not Lex's girlfriend. Lana, smiling creepily, says, "I'm not interested in your respect, Dr. Grohl. I'm much more interested in your fourteen years of employment here." Lana, who obviously just contracted evil from Lex as a sexually transmitted character trait, brings up the guy's two daughters, both in prestigious prep schools, and the house he just built. "You have a pretty wonderful life," Lana says, threateningly. "Are you threatening me?" Grohl asks, by way of Cornholio. Lana says brightly that if the government or Grohl's co-workers found out he was working on alien technology, this life he's worked so hard for would take an unfortunate turn. Grohl gulps. Lana presses the button to get the elevator going again. Grohl shits his Dockers. Lana takes a deep breath. That wasn't as fun as she expected.
Daily Planet globe fly-over. Inside, Chloe is asking Clark how he let the Green Arrow slip through his fingers. Wait a minute, that's gay! I almost missed it! I must be slipping. Clark mutters that the guy has lots of gadgets. "Gadgets against the Man of Steel?" Chloe asks. "He's good, all right?" Clark whines. Real good! And sexy, too! He's got a smile that makes Clark's little buddy into a tough baby fist, see? Chloe lets the subject go. "The Green Arrow Bandit," Chloe says. She asks if that's really the name Lois came up with. "If you ask me, I'd lose the 'Bandit,' but not my storieeeee," Chloe purrs. Clark, in a bad mood, says he's surprised Chloe's competitive side is letting Chloe give up the story that easily. Chloe scoffs. "Competition? Lois?" she repeats. "I'm chalking this one up to pro bono." Clark doesn't buy it. Chloe says that idle hands aren't really her thing. She hands Clark a file that she says is SafeTex's report on the arrows. She says that they're made of an advanced titanium alloy that's untraceable. She also got back information on the ring. None of the photos she took were clear enough to read. However, she didn't tell Lois that her computer is working on rendering a new image. That must be a slow computer. Chloe smiles at Clark. He finally cheers up a bit, sharing the little joke with Chloe at Lois's expense.
The Talon at night. Lois is pacing her apartment and talking on the phone. She tells someone to stop forwarding bogus claims from the mailroom. She doesn't think the Green Arrow is going to incriminate himself on Hello Kitty stationery. Lois hangs up her phone. Just then, an Asian dude strides into the room like he's just visiting. Dangerous music plays. A white dude appears behind Lois. He grabs her and tries to put a cloth over her mouth. They're thugs! Lois resists, kicking the other goon. She fights back pretty well, smashing a flower pot on one of their heads. Lois dives for her phone and tries to dial, but they grab her and pull her off. Neither of them thinks to close the phone, and she managed to dial Chloe.
Chloe, in the newsroom, answers her own cell phone. She's amused to see that it's Lois. On the other end of the line, Lois is being dragged away, screaming. How are they gonna get her out of The Talon without anybody in the coffeehouse noticing? Chloe finally registers that Lois is screaming. She tells Clark, who is still sitting to her, that Lois is in trouble. He zips off.
Strange edit of Clark running at superspeed outside The Talon, and then suddenly picking up the phone from the floor upstairs. "I bet she was calling Chloe!" surmises super-smart Clark. Just then, Oliver walks in without knocking. He's carrying a paper bag. "Lois?" he calls. "Looks like someone took her," Clark says. Oliver asks who'd do that. Clark thinks it's obvious that it was the Green Arrow. Stupidly, Oliver asks why Clark thinks the criminal Lois was pursuing would have anything to do with her abduction. "Guess he doesn't live by a code of honor," Clark says, insufferably. Oliver's jaw twitches. He turns to Clark and asks, "Because it's not the same as yours?" Amazingly awkward and clunky sentence from Oliver: "Maybe if you were as interested in finding out about this guy as you were in catching him, you would have realized that everything he's stolen was bought off the black market." Jeez, Justin Hartley, sorry you had to say all that in one breath. Clark starts to ask if that applies to Papa Luthor's necklace. Yeah, chump. That's what he's saying. Oliver says that Clark's been working to return the thing to its original thief. Clark's brain hurts. He asks whether Papa Luthor took Lois. Oliver says that there are lots of people who'd want to catch the Green Arrow. Longing close-ups on Clark and Oliver. The strings play. It's time to Kiss the Arrow! Gayest Look of the Episode.
Oliver's cell phone rings, ruining the precious, sexy moment. Clark's cell phone rings just a second later. Clark's text message is from Chloe: "Call me!" it reads. The phone will also let you download the Blondie song. Oliver's cell-phone message is a little more elaborate. It shows a GPS map with a SafeTex van driving down a street. Oliver says, "I gotta go." He does. Clark calls Chloe. He says that there's no sign of Lois. Chloe says that she has something that might help: the final rendering of the image from the ring. She sends it to Clark. The image on Clark's phone (delivered a nanosecond later; is your cell phone that fast?) is of what looks like a pencil drawing of the Queen family crest we saw earlier. Chloe complains that many crests look identical, and that it would be hard to identify. Clark doesn't think that'll be a problem; he says he's seen it before. Hilariously bad shot of the empty apartment at The Talon. Clark has zipped out of a phone conversation and an empty room, which isn't as impressive as usual. He can't ever say "Bye!," can he?
Oliver's office. We hear but don't see Clark zip into the scene. Is the FX budget gone this early in the season? Clark stares at the banner with the family crest. He looks around the room, and moseys over to the giant clock area. He leans his head forward, which usually means he's doing x-ray vision, but we don't actually see it happen. Clark steps forward and slides open the face of the clock, which is actually a big closet. Inside the green-glowing room are all kinds of bow-and-arrow weapons. Clark opens a flat drawer and finds a bunch of loose newspaper clippings. They all involve some anonymous do-gooder giving away funds to worthy causes. A nearby screen shows the same GPS map that was sent to Oliver. It reads "Transmitting to Blackberry" A robotic female voice announces this. The voice says that it's tracking SafeTex security. I wonder how Clark will find that, since there are no street names on the map.
Scary underground lair. Lois is still being dragged by the two thugs. Couldn't they have drugged her? They tell her to shut up. She won't. More dragging. We go to commercials.
Smackdown!, meet Smallville. Smallville, meet Smackdown!.
A piece of tape is pulled off Lois's mouth. I guess they shut her up for a very short length of time. She coughs. "How much do you know about the Green Arrow?" the smaller of the thugs asks. Well, let's see...wasn't he from the Golden Age? If you let me go back to my house and dig through my comics, I could.... Lois says that she didn't think he'd have the stones to face her in person. They don't know what she's talking about. The thugs pick her up and dunk her head-first into a trough of water. If you're going to be in the thugging business long-term, an inexpensive plastic or metal trough filled with room-temperature water is an easy and effective way to get information out of someone. I think Martha Stewart did a show on that. Lois struggles underwater. They pull her up and ask for a name. "What did you see?" the talking thug asks. Lois spits in his face. More dunking! You know what would make this even more fun? Apples! They keep her down longer this time. "Who's the Green Arrow?" Lois is asked again. "Bandit," she manages. "Green Arrow Bandit!" She thinks that the "Errol Flynn wannabe" put them up to this.
The thugs get mad and move to dunk Lois again, but stop as a man in a suit approaches. It's the security guy from SafeTex that Lois insulted earlier. He says heavily that this "Bandit" has made a joke out of the firm he spent his whole life building. If it's the firm that's been handling Lex's security, then it's quite the wasted life, don't you think? The guy, who's going for Victor Garber gravitas, says that the bandit has walked off with $30 million worth of cash and prizes from his clients. "Then why am I the one with bruises on my knees right now?" Lois asks. Do you really, really want me to answer that one? Because I'll do it. I really will. But...maybe later. Victor Garber Lite says that Lois splashed his humiliation on the front page of the paper. Shouldn't he be taking out some newspaper editors? A publisher, maybe? Plus, it's just a tabloid, dude. Nobody believes that stuff. Garber Lite says that Lois is going to help him to rectify that. Lois, defiant, says that she doesn't know the Green Arrow's identity. They dunk her for a long time. This is making their boss feel very secure. Lois loses consciousness. They pull her out. "She doesn't know anything," Victor Garber Lite says. "Kill her." The larger thug tries to do just that, pulling out a gun and firing. An arrow flies across the room in slow motion and knocks the bullet off-course. Nice arrowing, dude! Another arrow hits the other thug in the chest. The gun-toting thug looks up and sees an arrow with a cord hit the wall to him. Green Arrow slides down and takes the guy down with one bitchslap. Victor Garber Lite draws his gun. Green Arrow fires and sends Garber across the room with it. The arrow emits a green mist. Garber winces. We don't really see what happens to him, but I'm wiling to bet there was a gory shot planned for this moment. Lois lies on the floor. Green Arrow regards her. He bends down and strokes her forehead before picking her up and carrying her away with his grappling crossbow. They sail up to the roof.
Lair of Lex at night. Lana is walking down the hall trying to be all slick, but Lex stops her as she passes by, saying, "I didn't know blackmail was one of your talents." Lana is busted. She enters Lex's office. She tries to explain herself, saying that she wanted to handle this herself. She guesses that Lex is mad, but he says he's impressed. He sits by the fire in his big chair, holding a drink, and then stands. He says that he's never had anybody try to protect him like that. Lana is taken aback. She says that they have a serious problem: Papa Luthor. He'll never stop until he gets Lex's black box. Lex says that Papa's afraid of what Lex will do: "What about you? Is there a part of you that wonders the same thing?" Lana says no. Shebelieves in Lex. She tells him that she hasn't been honest about everything: she knew the box was a weapon. Lex thinks tht Lana wants him to shut the project down because it's too dangerous. "No," Lana tells him. "Lex, it might be the only thing that'll save us from them time." All right, Lana is one seriously fucked-up chick. Now, more than ever!
Rooftops of Metropolis. There's a giant billboard for parking nearby with big lights. Lois wakes up. She touches her head. Green Arrow appears. He bends down. Oh, come on, Lois. It's freakin' Oliver! Right there! Look at his chin! He asks if she's all right. She attacks him and rolls over, trying to pin him. "No thanks to you!" she yells, and points his own grappling crossbow at him. G.A. trips her. Lois falls, but keeps the small bow pointed at him. He says that he saved her. Lois stands. She says that he saved her from goons trying to find him: "They're not the only ones trying to go V For Vendetta on your little leather ass!" Wow. Dialogue, people. "'Little'?" Green Arrow asks in his computerized low voice. "I've really been working on the glutes lately." Ugh. So bad. These lines physically pain me. Lois asks if the humor came with the costume. He asks if the Tomb Raider routine came from wanting Daddy's attention. Lois fires the bow. An arrow hits a post very, very far from where Green Arrow is standing. "Oops," says Lois. She cocks the bow again. Does it automatically reload arrows? Saying she wants to unmask the "prince of thieves," she walks forward. Reaches for his hood. Suddenly, the billboard lights overheads start to explode in sparks. From the opposite side of the building, Clark is eyejaculating at the sign, knocking out the lights. Most of the lights are gone. Clark zips away. Lois looks around. Green Arrow is gone. Aw, nuts!
Back alley near The Talon. Green Arrow is riding his motorcycle. He does a reverse wheelie to avoid hitting Clark, who is standing in his way. "Oliver Queen," Clark says to the helmeted rider, "you owe me one." Green Arrow takes off his helmet. Oliver! My God! It's him! Oliver asks if that was Clark on the roof. He asks why Clark let him get away. Clark holds up a tiny arrow. He tells Oliver that Lois wouldn't understand why her new boyfriend leads a double life. Oliver takes the arrow, asking, "Or why one of her best friends does the same thing?" Oliver says that they're even. Clark says that they'll be even when he returns the necklace to Papa Luthor. Clark walks away. Oliver stares at Clark's ass. Speaking of something he'd like to point his arrow toward...
Commercials. DayQuil. It won't fuck you up quite as wonderfully as NyQuil.
Clark at the Daily Planet newsroom, where things are busy-busy. He asks what's up. Chloe says that an anonymous donor returned seven stolen artifacts to museums around the world. Chloe says that Clark has some competition in the Knight in Shining Armor department. Clark grumbles that the guy returns a few things and now he's a hero all of a sudden. No respect! Chloe says that every time he strikes some corrupt rich person, an anonymous gift goes to a worthy cause the day. Clark asks if Chloe cares how many laws are broken to do that. Chloe says that's just the price of justice, and that the guy is a modern-day Robin Hood. Chloe says that she's still dying to find out the guy's identity. She never heard back from Clark about that family crest. Clark lies that he ran into a dead end. A file on Chloe's computer desktop doesn't come up when she clicks on it. She says that all the computer files on the ring are gone. She clicks on the backup, and it can't be located either. "Clark?" Chloe asks. Clark asks her to not look into it. Chloe, smiling, says that Clark must know who it is. "As a favor to me," says Clark, "please don't." Chloe nods: "And he knows who you are." She says that there must be some secret code of honor among superheroes. Does Clark really qualify as a superhero yet? Clark's brain hurts again. So does mine.
The crappy Unabomber sketch has made the front page of the Inquisitor with Lois's name as the byline for the story. Oliver is reading it as Lois sits with him at The Talon. The headline blares, "Kidnapped by the Green Arrow." Lois says it's not bad for a rookie. Oliver says that every paper in the country is going to be asking about the Green Arrow, and that the guy will have a real following. "So did Charles Manson," Lois snarks. She takes a sip from her tiny coffee cup. Oliver says that maybe she's overreacting. He says that the guy's not a killer. Lois says that he's a threat to Metropolis, and that she won't stop until he's unmasked: "Trust me, you don't know the Green Arrow like I do." She stands and walks off as Oliver is left to do the "wonk, wonk, wonk!" mugging for the camera. Thankless work, that.
Lair of Lex. Papa Luthor is sitting by the fire, which seems to burn even in July. Lex walks in, sighing, "Not that I'd question your theatrical skills, but you really had Lana convinced." Lex thanks him. "Just following the script," says Papa Luthor. "The script that you gave me, son." Aren't they being taped right now? Maybe Lana will find this conversation later on the archived security tapes. Lex chuckles. Papa drinks. He suggests that if Lex wants to have an honest relationship with Lana, he should stop testing her. Lex says that he had to be sure. Lex says that an important lesson Papa taught him was, "The greater the trust, the greater the betrayal." Papa gets sad. He asks what he has to do to prove that he wants to be a part of Lex's life. "Part of my life or part of the project?" Lex asks. He says that he'd never have told Papa about the box if he hadn't already known, and that's as close as Papa will ever get to it. Staring contest. Lex finally gets up to leave. Papa asks what makes Lex think he won't tell Lana about the little obstacle course Lex set up for her. Lex turns: "Because you've put so much effort into fooling the Kents that you're a good man, you're starting to believe it yourself." That shuts up Papa Luthor, but good.
The Barnness of Epilogueitude. Nighttime. Clark goes up to the loft. Oliver is reading an old newspaper Clark had around. The front-page headline reads, "Queen Industries CEO and wife dead at sea." The photo of the family from Oliver's picture frame is the main image. Oliver says that he didn't realize he was such a fascinating subject, and notes that Clark's been reading up on him. Oliver suggests that Clark and Lois should start a fan club. Clark asks whether Oliver is going to tell Lois. Oliver says that Clark seems to be skating by fine with his farmboy charade. Clark says that Oliver can't be with someone unless she knows who he really is: "Trust me, I've tried." "You lost her to Lex," Oliver surmises. Oliver asks if that's why Clark hates him -- because he's a spoiled rich boy: "Or is it because I'm not willing to play the martyr like you?" Clark says that, eventually, Oliver is going to hurt Lois. Oliver says that Clark seems to have all the answers. Oliver has decided to put the necklace in safer hands: he hands it to Clark. Oliver says that Papa Luthor bought the necklace from a Bosnian warlord, and used it to launder LuthorCorp money. Clark asks why it's being given to him. Oliver snarks that Clark seems to have a good idea of right and wrong: "You decide who [sic] it belongs to." Clark says that it's not as clear as it used to be. Clark asks whether Oliver really believes it's all right to steal if he's giving to a good cause. "If the ends justify the means?" Oliver asks. Yay, Malcolm X.! "Absolutely, yes," Oliver replies. Clark says that he'll never feel that way. He asks why Oliver is really there if he doesn't owe anyone. Oliver steps forward. He says that Clark has abilities Oliver can't even dream about. (Oh, baby!) He admires that Clark uses those abilities to help the people he's close to. "But?" Clark asks. Oliver says that there's a whole world of people out there who need them. "With your potential, you can't wait for them to come to you," Oliver tells Clark. Oliver says that when Clark is ready to do something about that, he should let Oliver know. Trimphant Justice Leaguey music plays. Blackout.