All-American Reject

S06E03

By Omar G

Chloe and her new sorta-boyfriend Jimmy James Olsen decide to take their relationship slow, but then they're all over each other in the car and parked while also going into third gear. Unfortunately, they're at a public make-out point where a young couple goes into the woods and don't come out. The girl is up in the tree, dead, while the boy has CGI vines growing out of his chest later in the episode. Worst breakup ever! While helping Chloe to look for the missing boy, Clark meets a cute park ranger who, it turns out, is an evil plant chick who was imprisoned in the Phantom Zone, but made it out when Clark opened the portal. Good one, Clark. She wants to turn the world into one giant tomato vine. Chloe and Clark easily find a way to stop her: with good old electricity. She's easily one of the least formidable villains ever on the show. Meanwhile, Lex and Lana argue about taking their platonic roommate situation to the level. You know what could fix that? A costume party! Lex throws a soirée featuring whiny bitchboys the All-American Rejects. Lex shows up in a gladiator skirt while Lana fails to rock as Cleopatra. Lana decides that a man in a skirt is the best thing to Clark, and totally does Lex. She strips him down by the fire and everything. I think there's hope for her yet. Oliver Queen flirts with Lois, who is looking for him to help MamaKent with some legislation. He invites her to the costume ball, and he plays Robin Hood to her merry mammaries. She thinks he's pretty hot, and it doesn't hurt that he's a billionaire. In the end, while Lana and Lex are boffing their brains out at the mansion, Clark plays with his one ball up in the barn.

This episode is brought to you by San Antonio's CW station, KCWX, still without Closed Captioning. Thanks, CW!

We open on a very weedy-looking Makeout Point, where teens have their cars parked and their interior lights on, the better to film their necking sessions (do the kids still say "necking"?) for YouTube. Each car has its own hormone-engorging soundtrack, from lilting oldies to crap rock to...news? Chloe and Jimmy ("The James") Olsen are sitting in a car, not making out at all, listening to a news broadcast. It's totally hot. Chloe asks what they're doing there. "Well, I don't know exactly," says Jimmy. Dude really needs to get some facial hair or something to make him look older. Wouldn't Jimmy look fantastic with a wispy brown Fu Manchu? Jimmy says that he got a hot tip about something weird going on up there, and that he thought it might make a good story. Oh, he's got a hot tip, all right. Wouldn't Chloe have been asking about the story long before they were already parked up there? Chloe asks if the weirdness is two people at Makeout Point not making out. Jimmy says that since they're undercover, they should be a little more convincing. Quick! Stick your tongue past my teeth! We're undercover! Jimmy does the behind-the-neck arm move. I think cavemen used to do that move, but sadly, it would end with a clubbing and dragging the girls back to the cave by their hair. Jimmy puts his hand on Chloe's shoulder and nervously stares straight ahead. Chloe grins at him: "Are you putting a move on me?" Yee...eesss? Jimmy snatches his wayward hand back and denies it, before asking, "Do you want me to?"

Oh. Man. We need to talk, Jimmy. Step into my office. No, dickweed, my office is over here. That's my broom closet. I'll tell you what I used to do in high school to drive the ladies buckwild. Let's see...uh...grow a mullet. That's the first thing. Wear hard contact lenses that make your eyes red and watery all the time. Try braces for a few years. Be active in the drama and newspaper clubs. Wear silk shirts. And drive a mid-1982 Buick Skylark. In beige. That totally worked wonders for me, Jimmy. Take it from The Master. Soon all the girls will be not returning your calls and writing noncommittal things in your yearbook about maybe seeing you someday in the future but probably not.

Chloe reminds the audience that she and Jimmy "planted [their] flag on the summit of intimacy" when they were interns, but...Jimmy interrupts her, seeking assurance that it was great and all. No, totally great, Chloe agrees. Jimmy is very horny. Chloe says that she wouldn't mind exploring that again...one day. She adds that maybe this time they could take it a little slower. "Well, I'm slow!" Jimmy announces. Yeah, see, that didn't work so well for me in high school. Jimmy realizes what he said. "Slow is great," he clarifies. Be Tantric like Sting. "You'll barely see me move," he promises. Chloe smiles. There's a long moment of them looking at each other. Chloe dives for Jimmy, and they start making out.

By Omar G

Outside, two nubile teens exit their car, leaving the headlights on, and run for the woods. The boy asks if the girl wants to take a swim. She says she didn't bring her bathing suit. "Neither did I!" he says naughtily, as they giggle and frolic. Chloe and Jimmy keep getting it on as we see through the driver's-side window that the couple is disappearing into the woods. A woman's scream is heard from the woods soon after. "What was that?" Chloe asks. Jimmy has to think about it; he's wondering if one of his balls just exploded. Chloe says that it came from the path, and that they should go. Jimmy sarcastically says that they should really go check that out in the very dark woods. Wuss! Chloe, only slightly amused, says, "Let's go!" She gets out of the car and heads toward danger. He follows reluctantly. Yay, danger!

In the woods, Chloe is swinging a trusty flashlight as Jimmy complains that country folk would want to wander around the woods at night. He wonders if they should call someone. "Hello? Is anyone there?" Chloe calls. Jimmy says he was thinking more along the lines of calling an authority figure for help. Chloe finds a white t-shirt on the ground. "Looks like the naked trail ends here," she says. Dangerous music. A drop of blood lands on the shirt. "Is that...?" Jimmy asks. They both look up. "My God!" Chloe says. A dead girl is up in the trees. Her face looks drained and purple. Her eyes are open, staring. She's not naked after all. Reverse shot of the girl's butt in shorts from a high vantage point. She's lying limp on the crook of a tall tree, stomach-down.

Opening credits! Cheerful! Commercials. The Grudge 2: Even Grudgier.

Kent Farm, daytime. The cows have returned. They moo for the days when it meant something to be a cow on primetime television. MamaKent is looking at an invitation for a Dark Thursday benefit. Clark asks if that's an invite to Lex's ball. He usually receives an invite to both of them. MamaKent says that she just RSVPed. Clark says that he can't imagine any Metropolis hobnobbers won't come out to support the families affected by the disaster. MamaKent says she responded for two. "Thanks, Mom, but costumes really aren't my thing," Clark tells her. Oh, pshaw, Zorro. Clark says that it's not really the place for a reunion. She asks how Clark feels about Lana and Lex together. Dandy? Clark mutters that he doesn't know. He says it's like they're different people. He picks up a copy of what I'm assuming is The Daily Planet. It's the Arts & Entertainment section, and on the front page is a photo of Lex with Lana, shot outside of LuthorCorp. The headline reads, "The Lex girl." That's arts and entertainment? MamaKent says that they all have their own ways of moving on whether it's about growing up or just surviving. For instance, MamaKent has learned to drink an entire fifth of bourbon before breakfast. Clark says that he's lost Lana, his father, and Jarnelle. What about Pete? What about your wife? Jackass. Clark says that MamaKent doesn't see him as a different person. She says that, actually, she does in a lot of ways. She says that all of those things have shaped the mopey-ass, trifling, not-very-smart person Clark is now. Clark thinks, "Oh shit. I'm kind of an asshole!"

Lair of Lex. A woman in glasses pulls away a bunch of frilly costumes on a big rack. Lex is on a phone telling "Dr. Groll" (Dave Grohl!?) that he already knows what the device isn't. He wants to know what the device is. He must be talking about the interdimensional remote control coaster thingy. Lex gets off the phone as Lana walks into the room, asking, "What's all this?" Yeah, what's all this then? "My God," says the very tall woman with the costumes, "your complexion is even more radiant than in the magazines!" Oh, fucking BARF. That girl's complexion isn't so bad either. Lana doesn't know what to make of that, because she's not at all used to being the center of attention and being lavished with unbelievably stupid praise on this show. Lex introduces the woman as Monica, and says that she's helping them to pick costumes for the charity ball. "She can help you put something together," Lex adds, as if Lana is incapable of going to a costume shop and picking up a $20 French maid outfit. Come to think of it, she probably is incapable of that. Lana thanks the woman for coming, but says that she can dress herself. Lex says he thought she'd have fun being anyone she wants. Do you have anything in a plushie squirrel costume? "Well, I can tell ya what I'm not," Lana cracks. "'The Lex girl'?" Lex half smiles at Monica and asks her to excuse them. Monica goes out into the hall to tell the security staff how radiant their complexions aren't.

"You saw this morning's paper," Lex guesses. No, it's just a spectacular coincidence. Lex tells Lana he was raised in front of the cameras and knows it can be hurtful. He tells the story of how, when he was thirteen, a reporter caught him between classes at boarding school and asked how he felt about his mom's death. He didn't know she was dead, and he had a microphone shoved in his face to classmates he couldn't stand. Was the reporter's name Rita Skeeter? Lana looks a bit horrified. "The press will tear us apart if we let them," Lex tells her. Lana says that they're right about the revolving door of women Lex has had. "Maybe," Lex says. They're half right. Lex says that he's never asked any of those women to move in with him. Didn't Boobs McChesty live in the mansion for a little while? Lana says that Lex desires what he can't have; she asks what happens when he gets it. Lex says that he struggles every day with his nature to allow himself to have this with Lana. What's "this"? A platonic roommate who whines about stories in the newspaper Lex has no control over? That's so worth fighting for. Lana says that she's fighting her instincts to believe Lex. That's it, Lana. You pissed off Lex. He says that he's given her time and space and she still doesn't know what she wants. It's almost as if...she's a cipher of a character who's so ill-defined that she has no goals or aspirations! "And you do?" Lana asks Lex. What Lex wants is Clark. Obviously. Lex says that he wants to stop pretending he and Lana are only roommates. Lana looks down. She says that she needs to be sure, and that she always trusts people too much. "No, you trusted Clark too much," Lex snaps. Lana also trusted Jason. Lex says that Lana can come up with excuses for why this won't work, but that she has to decide. Lex says that Lana can fight with Clark's ghost, or be with Lex. But Clark isn't dead yet and...no matter! Just answer! "I'm done paying for his mistakes," Lex says, of Clark. Have you noticed that there really hasn't been a single line of dialogue in this episode that doesn't sound like it was lifted from some other movie or TV show? Lana stares at Lex, feeling a little ambushed. Well, you did come at him looking for a fight, didn't you?

The Talon. Daytime, American flag out front. On a couch or futon in the living room of the apartment upstairs, there are blankets and a pillow. There's a knock at the apartment door. Chloe answers it; it's Clark. He asks how life is living with Lois. A slog through Hell with no water; what did you think? Why is Chloe sleeping on a damn couch when the Kents have plenty of room for a guest and Chloe should be more than welcome? Chloe says that Lois's place is closer to coffee but further from sanity. She starts to say something about Metropolis University being closed, but goes into a bit about the saying that involves not looking a gift horse in the mouth. Clark says that's difficult, because Lois uses her mouth so much. Chloe moves aside her blankets and tells Clark about the body she found the night before. The guy from the car disappeared, and the girl was killed. Clark asks if Chloe thinks the guy killed the girl. Chloe calls the dude a "freshly minted pimple popper," and says she doubts he was physically capable of getting the girl up in that tree. Chloe whispers that it wasn't exactly normal, if Clark knows what she means. "What do you mean?" Clark whispers back. Chloe says that impaling someone in a tree in five minutes isn't humanly possible. It is if you have a catapult. The killer totally had to have a catapult. Go look for a catapult in the woods, Clark. Clark wonders if the guy was a meteor freak. Maybe it was a microburst. As opposed to a microverse. Chloe says that's their only lead, and that the guy is still missing. Clark asks what Chloe was doing at Makeout Point. Just then, someone walks in through a door that I don't think is the front one. It's Jimmy. He's all casual: "What's up, C.K.?" Clark looks at Chloe. She should say "Baaa!" because she's looking pretty sheepish. Clark seems a little hurt.

Kent Farm. Someone is checking their email. It's from "jobopportunities@metropolis_inquisitor.com" (ghastly email address), sent to "lois_lane@digitalwave.com." The subject: "Re: Re: Job Opportunity." Email text: "Do you want the job or not?" Worst HR department ever! There's not even a sig on the message. Lois puts a pen in her teeth -- which I hope she doesn't always have to do to answer email -- and starts typing on her laptop. She's wearing a Freddy Krueger Signature shirt: it's a t-shirt-with-white collar version of his famous sweater. There's a knock at the door. We don't find out if Lois took the job. Her screen just says, "Your Message Has Been Sent" when she gets up to answer. At Lois's door is Oliver Queen, wearing a white t-shirt, leather jacket, and spiky anime hair. He and Lois stare at each other, instantly smitten, before anyone speaks. "Hey!" Lois says. What a wit on her! "Hi," he answers. He hands her a letter-sized envelope with the QUEEN logo on the return address area and "ATTN: Martha Kent" on the address. Lois thanks him, and then snarks that it must have caught a strong headwind, because she's been waiting for this letter for weeks. Oliver says that she's welcome. He's still standing there. Lois realizes (or thinks she realizes) that he's expecting a tip. She digs in her pocket for some bills, and tells him that with a face like that, he shouldn't have to play delivery boy for the rich and arrogant. Oliver thanks her, apparently not knowing what the money is for. "Your tip," Lois tells him. "It's a tip?" Oliver asks. "Seriously, aim higher," Lois says, and then slams the door on him. He starts to say something before the door closes, and we see him smiling through the window pane. What a charmer she is, huh, Oliver? You should totally go for it. You'll probably make it almost a year or two before you claw your ears off and then hang yourself. Oliver walks away.

By Omar G

Chloe shows up: "Clark, where are you?" "Over here!" he hollers back. The boy hidden in the branches opens his eyes. "He's alive!" Clark yells. ALIIIIVE! Clarkenstein! Clark hurts himself on the branches. He pulls his hands away, and we see that he has thorn marks all over his palms. "You're bleeding!" Chloe tells. Wait, that's not supposed to happen! But then Clark's wounds heal instantly.

Commercials. Hey, Jeep. There's no way you will ever get me to buy a car by putting goddamn bobbleheads in your commercial.

Smallville Medical Center. Hey, I was almost beginning to miss this place! Almost. We pan across a hospital bed where the dude from the woods is lying, looking like he just has a few scrapes to the face and not much else wrong with him. Chloe, Clark, and Jimmy burst into the room. Chloe says that they don't have much time, since his mother's in the cafeteria. Sure, but where are all the nurses and doctors? They just let you waltz right in? Oh, right, this is Smallville Medical Center, the absolute worst patient-care facility in the country. Chloe picks up the chart from the edge of the bed as if she knows what to do with it. Chloe says that this guy is pretty messed up. That's why he's not on oxygen or hooked up to any major machines, right? Jimmy says that the guy's not as bad off as his girlfriend in the tree. Clark turns on the screen for x-rays. There seem to be small pods in the guy's chest cavity. "Hey, what are these things on his lungs?" Clark asks. They're torso bling, Clark. Geez, you're so unhip. Jimmy starts taking photos with his Nikon. The flash is very bright, and Chloe scolds him. Jimmy looks a little too turned on. He says that they have to get this in the paper and warn people. Chloe says that they don't even know what it is yet. Clark says that weird x-rays aren't exactly Page 1 material. Jimmy complains that he might have had a better picture if he'd been with them when they found the dude. The guy's right there in bed. Why not take a picture of him, Jimmy? Clark gives Jimmy a weird look. Chloe takes the blame for not inviting him, saying that he's much more at home on the street of Metropolis and that the woods freak him out. Jimmy says that what really freaks him out is his girl traipsing in the woods where something could happen to her. Chloe smiles: "Your girl?" Jimmy softens. He looks to Chloe for confirmation that she is, indeed, his girlygirl. Clark interrupts to say that they should have this conversation some other time. Jimmy tells "C.K." that he's right, adding that he has to go take care of something. He says that he'll talk to Chloe later. "Alone?" he seems to be asking. Chloe agrees. Jimmy exits quickly. Chloe can't contain herself. Clark asks if he's always that fired up. She says that Clark should see him on his tenth cup of house drip.

Chloe and Clark leave the hospital room. She asks about Clark's hands, and he says that they've healed. She wonders how Clark was hurt by vines. Clark says that he didn't feel weak, so it's not Kryptonite. Chloe says that she sent a sample of the vine to her Botany professor at Met U. The university that's closed down? Her professor is working on vacation? Chloe asks what it could be, besides Kryptonite. Clark says that the Makeout Point runs right to Lex's property, where he has a greenhouse; he says that's a good place to start looking. Chloe asks whether pointing the finger at Lex is a stretch. Clark says that Lex had his hands on the Kryptonian ship and was possessed by Zod: "He nearly destroyed this planet. If the horns fit..." Clark, I thought you almost destroyed the planet, doofus. Chloe suggests that Clark check his personals at the door. Clark has no idea what that means.

Lex's enormous greenhouse that just magically started to exist. Fancy! I guess we've just never seen the estate from this angle. Inside...plants! Clark wanders in through the wide-open doors. He is pretty among the flowers. Before even wandering a few yards, Clark finds a plant with pods similar to the ones in Makeout Dude's chest. And they come right off! Clark examines the dangerous pod, which contains tiny green seeds! NOOOOO! "Seeds," Clark whispers. In a greenhouse. What is going on in this crazy place!? Clark's amazing supersenses don't even tell him that Lex is standing a few feet away. "You've always had an eye for beauty," Lex tells him. Yeah, these seeds are America's Top Pods. Clark looks busted. Lex says that it's a Latin name -- Fermassidus falsas, or something. "Beauty that belies a dark nature," he adds. Like Lex! Very stupidly, Clark says, "So even your plants have hidden agendas." Asshole! You know, Clark, you're the one who's sneaking around on someone's property, you big, dumb douche. Lex half-smiles, and instead of yelling at Clark to shut the fuck up, he says he guesses it comes down to survival of the fittest. Clark says that a strange vine has been attacking people nearby. All Clark knows is that there are pods in the dude's chest. Where did he get vines from? Lex says that of course Clark came to Lex's little shop of horrors to foil his ingenious plot to repopulate the planet with vegetation. That's a pretty good plan. "Sorry, Clark, I'm all out of evil," Lex says. But are you all out of love? "Lana must be a calming influence on me," Lex adds. Clark says that Lana will never fit in Lex's world. Lex says that, unlike Clark, he's willing to do whatever it takes to make sure she does. Clark says that Lex may think he's changed, but that the closer Lana gets, the closer she is to finding out who Lex really is. Damn, Clark forgot to stand on his soapbox. He really should carry one around with him. Lex has finally had enough. He says that the days of Clark showing up unannounced in his home are over. Yeah, I kinda doubt that. Lex declares that Clark isn't welcome here, and tells him to find his way out. Breakups are bad, but it's the tension that lingers for years afterward that really stings.

By Omar G

Commercials. Hey, Jeep. There's no way you will ever get me to buy a car by putting goddamn bobbleheads in your commercial.

Commercials. Be an Army of One. In Iraq! Good luck over there by yourself!

Glassy buildings in Metropolis. In the background, we see a familiar clock tower. Inside, Oliver is standing on a yellow yoga mat, shirtless. Only he's standing upside down. That is, he's doing a mondo handstand. He's also barefoot, his toesies up in the air. A blonde assistant is telling Lois Lane that she can't come in there. She apologizes to "Mr. Queen," saying that the woman doesn't have an appointment. Lois is carrying a giant gift basket with plastic wrap around it. Oliver, still handstanding, says it's all right; she's expected. Oliver is all sweaty. He drops to a normal, right-side-up posture and smiles. Lois says that she must have underestimated the mental power of yoga. Oliver says that the focus benefits his work. "And your premonitions," Lois adds. It looks like Oliver has "The CW" logo branded into his left pectoral. Oliver guesses that, after Lois's "lamentable blunder," it was either this or a firing from her boss. Oliver is surprised by the fruit basket. Lois says that Oliver must be busy with all his "bendy stuff," and that she won't take much of his time. "Peanuts?" he asks, waving a small can at her. "I'm allergic." Lois says she'll try to remember that. She launches into a speech about what a great state senator MamaKent is, as Oliver keeps digging. He pulls out a very small green apple. "Childhood bobbing trauma?" Lois asks. Oliver asks if Lois is hungry. She huffs that she realizes she was rude the other day, and that she's just trying to apologize. Oliver sits. He starts cutting the apple with a small knife and eating it. Pouty, Lois says that if Oliver holds it against MamaKent, he'll be missing the opportunity to work with a great woman. Oliver is ignoring Lois because the apple is so much more interesting than she. Lois takes the hint. She says she was prematurely accurate in her opinion of Oliver. Wow, that's a pretty shit apology right there. As she's walking out, Oliver says, "Miss Laaaaaane?" He puts the apple and knife down, and then stands. He says that if Lois wants his full and undivided attention, she can go with him to Lex Luthor's ball. She says that while downsizing her for an entire evening would make great sport (for him?), she'll pass. Oliver says that if MamaKent is as great as Lois says, then it's going to take more than a few minutes of Lois's groveling to get his support. That line of dialogue made no sense at all. Lois sighs that she doesn't have a costume. How about your jogging attire? Oliver thinks on that one. Luckily, he's prepared. He hands Lois a big white box with a big white bow. Lois opens it. It's a very nice and expensive-looking royal blue outfit. "Even in my size," Lois marvels. "Mr. Queen, have you been rummaging through my drawers?" Instead of going blue, Oliver just says he has a knack for sizing people up. And yet he's still talking to Lois. Lois smiles in her special confrontational way.

Medical Center. A sign reads "Ambulances Only," but they should have added "And Film Crews." Chloe and Clark are walking down a hallway. Chloe says that Clark was right; the shapes inside The Woodsboy are seeds. Chloe, who's got a bit of the curly hair going, says that the guy is going into surgery right now. Clark asks whether Chloe's heard anything from her professor friend. Chloe says that he was able to isolate the DNA, and that it's foreign...to the planet Earth. Chloe says that explains the cuts on Clark's hands. "If it's alien, how did it get here?" Clark asks. Bus pass? Frequent flyer miles? The back of a gryphon? Chloe says that while the seed can gestate in soil, the human body creates a perfect potting mix for it. I'll bet it would have been very much at home in Pol Pot. Someone screams. A female and a male nurse run out of a room. The female nurse tells the guy to call the patient's mother. She's going to issue a Code Red. Clark and Chloe run to the room. Inside, the whole place is covered with icky, dark vines. It's a jungle in here! "Oh my God," Chloe says. The vines look a bit umbilical. There's blood, too. It's all right, though. The kid's an ambitious actor and he's always wanted to branch out.

In the hallway, Clark says that they have to stop it. Chloe corrects him: it's not an "it," but a "her." The plant's sex is female. You can tell by its lovely lady lumps. Clark guesses that the plant needs a male to reproduce, and that's why the female was killed so quickly. Yeah. Because that makes total sense. A body is being brought in a bag on a stretcher as a paramedic explains that it's the park ranger who's been missing. Clark says that he can identify her. They unzip the bag. It's a blonde woman. Clark says that there's been a mistake; that's not the park ranger. Oh yes it is, King Dorkus. They say it's her, and that she went missing the week before. She's the only female ranger in the county. "Gloria," Clark says. "G-L-O-R-I-A!" Clark dramatically turns to Chloe. Then he superzips out of there. A half-second too late, Chloe turns to follow his zip-trail. Bit slow on the editing there, guys.

Back in the Deep Dark Forest of the Medical Center, the vines are looking way creepy. Chloe stands in the doorway and notices a vine getting shocked on an electrical outlet. The lights go out. Chloe reaches out and touches the black vine that was just electrocuted. It snaps and crumbles in her hand. Chloe has figured out how to save the day!

The real forest. "Gloria!" Clark yells. "G-L-O-R-I-A!" You're way early, Clark. She come 'round here about midnight. Oh, wait, my bad. Here she is. She says she thought they'd meet again. "What are you?" Clark asks. "I'm just a girl that loves nature," she replies. Clark says that she's not human, or even from this planet. Like you are, Clark? Gloria says that she's going to like it here. Clark demands that she go back. NOW! She says she can't. Yeah, why don't you just lend her your spaceship, Clark? Or better yet, your transporter beam? Gloria says her world is gone. She says that it was paradise -- tons of green and lots of vegetation, at least until steel towers replaced the forests. Oh, shut up, Sting. She says that she tried to correct the balance of nature. "At the cost of how many lives?" Clark asks. She doesn't like Clark much anymore: "They didn't understand me either." She's even cute when she's trying to be menacing. I'm not sure she should be cast as villains anymore. Gloria says that they branded her a prisoner, and sent her to a place where the sun never sets and nothing ever grows. "The Phantom Zone," Clark guesses. Gloria suddenly recognizes Clark. She says that he's the Kryptonian who opened the portal. She was there when it happened. The savages were attacking Raya when Clark touched the gateway and everything turned white. Funny, I don't remember seeing a chick in a park ranger outfit when that happened. Gloria smiles: "Looks like I'm not the only one who doesn't belong." Clark suggests that she learn to adapt the way he did. She says that's what she's doing: there's a party nearby of eligible suitors ready to help spread her beauty. It'll be like The Bachelorette, but with carnage and more thorns! Gloria inhales deeply: "Can you smell them?" Actually, Clark can. Mmm, boyflesh. Clark tells Gloria that she has to stop. "Says who?" she asks him. She makes the forest shoot out vines that grab Clark and pin him to a tree. One chokes him. Gloria says that she can't change her nature, and that no one will ever make her do that again. Clark struggles. Gloria walks off. Clark, choking, notices Jimmy's body lying nearby. Clark is getting weak. He falls unconscious. A big pointy branch has impaled him from behind, right through the chest. Ouchie. We pull back on a giant, Blair Witch-looking branch structure holding Clark, and dramatic music. It's a thorny situation!

By Omar G

The woods. Jimmy is wandering around, taking pictures of nothing in particular. He picks up a hunk of tree bark. He hears something stirring nearby, and scary music plays. Suddenly, we're on Lost. Jimmy turns, and there's Gloria, Park Ranger, standing behind him. He jumps, and stammers that she scared the "blank" out of him. She asks why he's out here. He says he's just "compelled." "By what?" Gloria asks. "A girl," Jimmy replies. He's trying to get a photo to earn some respect. Gloria says that Jimmy has her respect. He jokes that a girl made him drop a log, and then asks if Gloria's seen any weird vine that might be attacking people. Gloria gets very close, putting her hands on Jimmy's cheeks, and says that she can help him to find what he's looking for. Jimmy gets very nervous and says he's got a girl. And she wasn't on a rejected pilot. Gloria throws Jimmy onto the ground, telling him, "I don't wanna be your girl." She bends down and gets on top of him: "I just wanna wrap myself around you." Unconvincing CGI vines emerge from the ground. It's the Not-So-Evil-Dead! A giant root plunges right into Jimmy's mouth as he opens it to scream. That is one big root. My goodness. Have you ever seen a root like that? I bet Jimmy hasn't.

Commercials. Be an Army of One. In Iraq! Good luck over there by yourself!

Elsewhere at the ball, Lois is wearing an extremely low-cut Maid Marian costume as she walks in with Robin Hood. He's staring straight at her tits as they walk. Lois asks if this is part of Oliver's sizing her up. I have no idea what she's talking about. Neither does he, it seems. He says that he made a miscalculation. She makes a crack about his legwear for the evening. He says that she has a quick tongue, and that he finds that very attractive. Yeah, nobody likes a slow, drooly, lethargic tongue. Lois tells him to keep it in his quiver, "jolly green bandit." She asks if Oliver's fortune is of the do-it-yourself, steal-from-the-rich variety, or handed to him on a silver platter like their host's. He says that it belonged to his parents, and that he inherited it when they died. Lois gulps.

Trying to change the subject, Lois tells Oliver that he's pulling off the tights. "You should see him in a tutu," Lex says, standing nearby with Lana. Lana doesn't bother to say hi to Lois. "Lex Luthor. With a girl he doesn't have to inflate," Oliver snarks. Really, Oliver, I expected a better line from you than that. There's so much you could have said, and you go for the blow-up doll joke? For shame, Oliver. For shame. Lex scoffs, and introduces Lana, telling her that he and Oliver went to boarding school together. "Talk to any of the old gang lately?" Oliver asks. Lex's mouth twitches. He just says, "Enjoy the party," and leads Lana away. "I always do," Oliver says. As she and Lex walk off, Lana has to say the line, "If that's your friend, I'd hate to see your enemy." See? Just bad dialogue this week. Did Lex ever say that was his friend? Oliver stares at Lex as he walks off. Wait...is that longing? Unrequited boyhood love? Aw, we'll take what we can get. It's the Gayest Look of the Episode. The tights and Lex's skirt help.

Lois notices MamaKent nearby, and rushes over to introduce Oliver. MamaKent, with curly hair, looks great, but surprised. She shakes his hand and says it's great to meet him. "The pleasure's all mine," he tells her, throwing out more useless dialogue. He says that he's been hearing about MamaKent's policy points. It would be too much for us to hear what some of them are, but they must be Really Good For The Kids and the World At Large. He offers to get together with her to see how he can help her. MamaKent is surprised and pleased. Oliver says that she can thank Lois, who can be very persuasive. We haven't really seen Lois do anything tonight but show some cleavage and make fun of Oliver's tights. I wonder where this persuasion is coming from. MamaKent gives Lois an inquisitive look. Lois bounces and smiles.

By Omar G

Commercials. Click is out on DVD. All right, first I heard this movie sucked, then I heard it wasn't the typical Adam Sandler movie and was actually pretty good, and now I'm back to wondering if it doesn't just suck. Worth a rental? What do you guys think?

I can't believe Lex chose his office as the site for a big costume ball. Wasn't he worried about security in his home as recently as last week? Anyway, someone is introducing all the guests, crammed into the small space, to the first annual (grrrr, I hate it when people use that term) benefit for Dark Thursday. The guy speaking is the lead singer of the All-American Rejects, and he's leaning all sexy into his microphone while sitting at the piano. He says that on behalf of Lex Luthor, he wants to thank everyone for helping the families affected by the disaster. I can't believe they gave this guy lines. There's a dude in a bunny outfit in the crowd, and his ears are sticking straight up and stiff. It's really stiff hare. The band, playing where Lex's desk usually sits, starts in on a song that doesn't exactly scream "Party time!" In fact, it's a slow death march of a tune designed for whiny emo kids who like to do artsy things with their purple Chuck Taylors. People don't know whether to cry or move from side to side or stab themselves in the fucking neck. It's a song called "It Ends Tonight." God, I only wish. "Your subtleties! They strangle me!" the singer sings. Hey, it's a metaphor for the vines in the forest that are strangling Clark! But those are anything but subtle. The guy sings that all he wants and all he needs he doesn't want to need at all. Stunning. Speaking of which, Lex Luthor enters the frame in a bronze breast-plated Alexander the Great get-up, complete with red cape. He shakes hands with people as the All-American Rejects singer wails and wails and everyone just sighs. Photographers are flashing photos at the doorway. Lex notices them, and sees Lana walking in as the flashes flash. Of course Lana walks in as the music intensifies and everything goes into gooey slow motion. Did you really think it wouldn't? Lana is wearing a white Cleopatra costume. She smiles across the room at Lex. He smiles back. A guy with a camera keeps snapping photos of Lana's ass. She comes to Lex as the song whines, "Maybe it's best you leave me alone." Shouldn't this be Clark's theme? Lex says that he's glad Lana came. Uh, dude, she kind of lives here. Lana, in awful brown lipstick and heavy, bad eye makeup, actually looks worse in this costume. Lex tells Lana that he thought he'd scared her off. "You'll have to come up with better scare tactics," she tells him. The All-American Rejects try to rock out, power ballad-style. Lex leads Lana through the crowd. The dude with the bunny ears is there; one of them starts flopping. Should have gotten the thirty-six-hour pill, dude.

How's your stomach doing? Is your stomach all right? Because we're about to go full-on Lex + Lana. Ready? All right, let's do this. The song that was playing in the last scene continues. It's by James Carrington, and it goes, "Have I told you I ache?" Dude, like, every single day on this show, are you kidding me? Lex is holding Lana's hand as they walk down the hall toward his office. He tells her it's a night of firsts: it's the first time he's danced like that and the first time he's felt so satisfied. Hey, Lex, just wait. Lana, sounding dubbed here, says that she was expecting the word "happy" to come out of Lex. He says that happiness is just a feeling of euphoria -- just brain chemistry -- and why relationships fail when the honeymoon ends. Lana asks if Lex has always been such a romantic. Still holding hands, Lex says that he'd be saying gushy things if Lana were any other woman. But, he says, Lana isn't like anyone else. Of course she's not. Haven't they tried to remind us of that for something like 110 episodes? Lana tells Lex to be careful, because she's dangerously close to being satisfied. She smiles, and it's full-on Kreukferatu again. Lex says that his evil plan must be working. Lana laughs. Lex asks what changed to make her grace his arm tonight. She says, "Life. Wanting to live it." They stand by the fire. Lana unbuckles Lex's cape and takes it off. "What are you doing?" he asks. She unbuckles his breast plate and takes that off, too. She takes off Lex's shirt, exposing his chest. They kiss. Lex stands there in only a skirt. All right, it's pretty hot. What can I say? More kissing. Lex turns Lana around so that her back faces us. He takes off her dress. Her back is exposed. James Carrington asks if he told us he aches. Yeah. You did. He asks again. More kissing. Naked kissing. I think Lex is suddenly kissing a taller body double, but I could be wrong. So, Lana has had sex to Coldplay and to James Carrington. Call me when she starts doing it to Enigma or Tool. The show is trying to make it all pretty and romantic, but let's face it: Lana and Lex are totally fucking tonight. Suck it, Clana fans.

The song continues as we cut to the Barnness of Oneballitude at night. We hear something bouncing. Inside the barn, Clark is sitting by the futon, bouncing a ball at the wall. He's so damn bored and alone. Lex had his ball tonight, and now Clark has his. Wide shot of Clark sitting alone. Has he told us he aches for you? I think that he has.

By Omar G

The woods. Chloe is running, yelling for Clark and saying that she can't find him without his help. Chloe turns and finds Clark up in the branch structure. "Oh my God, Clark!" Chloe says. That's her go-to line now, huh? "Oh my God." Chloe looks down at her hand. She's carrying a stun gun. She runs to the vines and uses the stun gun to shock the shit out of the monster vegetation. Electricity! Sparks and smoke! Chloe quickly backs away. The vines around Clark crumble, and he falls. Chloe goes to him and tries to get him to wake up. He's got a hole in his red shirt. Clark clutches his chest and says that he'll be better in a second; he asks how Chloe killed it. Chloe says, "Biology 101. Electricity denatures enzymes." Clark is like, "Yes, but suppose someone never took Biology 101..." In order to change the subject, Clark says that they have to help Jimmy, and points the way. He says that Gloria is headed for the mansion. Chloe tells him to go. How is she going to electrocute these vines without hurting Jimmy? Oh well, no matter. Clark zips out of there.

By Omar G

The greenhouse. Gloria is standing with some young shirtless dude. He tells her that park rangers and Tarzan both love the wild. "And swinging on vines," she agrees. Yep, she's very familiar with Tarzan, having heard about him on her home planet, in the Phantom Zone, and then while living in isolation in the woods. "Ride's over!" Clark says, suddenly appearing. You're really gonna have to work on your entrances, Clark. That one was awful. How about "It's time to get uprooted!" Or, "You're done being the root of all evil, Tulip!" Or, "Leaves him alone!" Or even, "I'm going to stem this growing seediness of planted evil that's flowering among us! Like a fungus!" Too much? Gloria steps forward, looking annoyed at Clark. "Who the hell are you?" Tarzan asks him. He Clark Kent. You horny dork. "The gardener! Get out!" Clark yells. Surprisingly, Tarzan does just that. I guess he wasn't so horny. "Kryptonians! Always so hard and cold!" Gloria grouses. Clark says that she can't go home, and he can't let her stay; he asks what they're gonna do. Gloria says that they'll have to let nature decide. She slaps Clark across the face, and he goes flying. He didn't see that one coming? Clark knocks down a light on his way. Gloria smiles. Clark knocks a frond away. Gloria thanks Clark for saving her from the Phantom Zone. She says she's sorry it has to be this way. She raises her hands, but instead of shooting out of her fingers, vines appear from all around her and move toward Clark. They choke him, again. Clark eyejaculates at a steel rail overhead. It activates the sprinkler system. The water hits the downed light, and the electricity strikes Gloria and vaporizes her instantly. Gloria! D-E-C-E-A-S-E-D! The lights continue to flicker, which makes no sense. Clark stands up in the wetness of the sprinklers. He should say, "That was de-vine."

By Omar G

Commercials. Jared is still going, eating Subway all the time. But is that really any way to live?

The paramedics have arrived at the woods, but there are no police there. Chloe is telling the paramedics that there are seeds in Jimmy that can only be killed with electricity. "You're insane," one of them tells her. They obviously haven't heard about the vine attack at the hospital. Chloe tells them that they have to defibrillate Jimmy or he'll die. The pushy guy says that he'll go into cardiac arrest, and tells Chloe to back off. Then, for no good reason, they let Chloe get into the ambulance and sit by herself in the back with Jimmy. That doesn't seem wise. Before they take off, Chloe grabs the paddle, moves Jimmy's shirt, and does the defib herself. "Back off! They're hot!" Chloe says, aiming the paddles at the paramedics. Chloe whispes, "Please don't let me kill him," and then gives Jimmy a dose. He jerks. Then he wakes up. Jimmy looks at Chloe and at the machinery. "Did you just paddle me?" he asks, and it's as cute as it sounds. Chloe sits heavily. "Yeah," she says. She smiles. Jimmy lies back.

More whiny music. Out in the alley behind the Talon, Oliver is dropping Lois off. He tells her that he enjoyed taking her captive. "Only because I let you," she reminds him. Oliver dips Lois a bit and says that he'd like to kiss her now. Lois seems like she's into it, but then backs away. "Uhhh," she says, "the lady requires a show of skill before awarding you with her favor." Oliver says that's what he was going for with the kiss. Lois says, "Let's make it interesting." Good luck with that. She tells Oliver if he can hit a can with his arrow, she's his. It's not too far away. "It's that easy, huh?" he asks. "It's that hard," she says. He says that he'll go for it. He heads for the tiny yellow sports car parked nearby, and busts out with an arrow and his shiny green gloves. Lois watches. Oliver says, "Here goes nothing." He aims, and releases his arrow at a soda can sitting atop a Dumpster. The arrow flies and goes in slow motion. It seems to miss. "Better luck time, Hood," Lois says. She goes inside. Oliver is smiling. Close-up on the arrow. The tab from the can is swinging around the tip of the arrow. Nice shot, dude! And wise move not getting mixed up with Lois. Maybe you're a smart guy after all. Hey, I just noticed. Oliver was wearing green eye makeup behind his mask earlier, but now it's gone. I think it's called "The Batman Eye Makeup Conundrum."

By Omar G

week: The Green Arrow, proper.