Mystery Sinus Theater

S06E02

By Omar G

In a new first -- an episode named after a bodily function (coming in Season 7: "Piss") -- Clark comes down with a cold after exhausting himself trying to repair the damage from last week's apparently not-so-bad worldwide cataclysm. This is unusual, but signals a new power: the ability to sneeze the shit out of doors and people and papers. Clark's sneezing blows a barn door into the air and out to a field near where Lois is jogging, causing her to try to figure out why barn doors fall from the sky. (That was our collective will, Lois, trying to crush you. It didn't work.) She launches an investigation. Meanwhile, Lana moves in with Lex because her dorm is all messed up to hell. Lex is a little paranoid because somebody is following him. That somebody kidnaps him and tries to torture him to find out why he recently had superpowers. Lex doesn't remember anything about his Zod episode, and has no answers except the obvious one: aliens from another dimension. So they shoot him in the arm. Lana finds a security video of herself undressing in her new room. It makes her feel oogy. Papa Luthor enlists Clark's help to find the missing Lex. They're both worried that Lex will spill Clark's secret. Nice concern, dicks. He also threatens an ex-classmate of Lex's who has set up shop in town and is actually responsible for the kidnapping. He looks a lot like that dude from the Aquaman pilot. Wait, it is the dude from the Aquaman pilot! Chloe and Clark try to find Lex. Lana and Clark fight like it's 2002. Lana gets her dumb ass abducted while trying to find Lex herself, and she and Lex end up in a warehouse inferno. Clark saves them by converting his mighty sneeze (with Chloe's help) to a giant blow, putting out the flames. Lana, not too glad to be alive, bitches about the security cameras, and Lex says, "Don't try to change me, babe. I'm like the wind." Chloe and Clark prepare to go on a sorta date, and Clark literally parts the clouds with his purty mouth. Also, was it just my TV, or did you guys hear a big click toward the end of the episode? It was like, "CLICK!" Oh, wait...that was just the world's biggest lightswitch being flicked because Lois suddenly has decided, after having her barn door story published in The Inquisitor, that her life's ambition is to be the world's greatest journalist. Too bad she'll have to kill Chloe for that to happen.

Disaster! We open on a television showing the smoking ruins of civilization with a news broadcast calling it "Dark Thursday: The Recovery." First of all, how bad a national disaster could this be if news stations are still broadcasting and citizens still have enough electricity to watch their TVs? Also, "Dark Thursday"? Is that like "Casual Friday" but with little black tights? On the TV, a not-very-good local reporter is saying that the Pentagon is denying that there was a break-in during the disaster. In the foreground, someone is pouring coffee into a very familiar bovine-themed mug. As MamaKent sips her coffee, the woman on the news says that the national recovery will take years, but that the recovery in Metropolis has been remarkably swift.

Speaking of remarkably swift, Clark superzips across the farm and enters through the front door. MamaKent asks whether Clark has been out all night. "I can't do what I need to do in the daylight," he says glumly. Dirty! MamaKent says she knows that he wants to help, but he can't single-handedly rebuild everything that's been destroyed. What if he uses both hands? Clark says that it's his mess, and that he needs to clean it up. MamaKent tells him that he's not responsible for what happened. Except for the part where he summoned the Dogs of Hell, of course. MamaKent says that it's Zod's fault. Stupid Zod! Clark looks at her like he's been slapped, and stiffly says that Zod would not have been released if he'd listened to Jarnelle for once. Stupid Jarnelle! And, uh, stupid Clark for not listening to stupid Jarnelle! Yeah! Stupids! "I have chores to do," Clark says, all mopey. Oh, poor you, Clark. At least your house didn't get destroyed. Clark looks winded. He leans on the kitchen table and somehow doesn't break it. MamaKent asks if he's all right. Clark hesitates, and then says he's fine. MamaKent says that she's never seen Clark this worn out, and that even he has his limits. We've seen him plenty worn out whenever there happens to be a green rock around. MamaKent says that Clark's chores can wait. "Really, I'm fine," Clark mumbles, before going outside.

The Barnness of Toilitude. Clark is hammering nails to build a set of stairs, but using his hands as the hammer. He breathes heavily and doesn't seem to be doing it right. He's also sweaty. Sudden close-up. Clark's face twitches. His nose wiggles. My God: he's having a Big Mac Attack! Quick! Get him two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, on a sesame-seed bun! No, wait, it's just a sneeze. But it blows the barn doors right the fuck off their hinges, sending them flying! What mighty snot hath torn the world asunder? Clark stares at the open frame where the doors used to be, wide-eyed. Er...Gesundheit?

By Omar G

A country road. Someone is jogging. It's Lois Lane, wearing tiny blue shorts and an even tinier blue sports bra. She's also has an armband music player and headphones. Is it really wise to wear that kind of get-up in rural Kansas? A giant piece of barn lands to the road, just yards from where Lois is running. So close! Lois stops and looks around. She's seriously spooked. So are her boobs. They're like, "Protect us! All we've got is this tiny layer of lycra!" We go straight from here to the opening credits.

Commercials. Geez, how many times are they going to remake Texas Chainsaw Massacre? Are there even that many chainsaws in Texas?

Grassy fields with the Metropolis skyline way off in the distance. Someone's driving to an overpass. It's Lex, in a sporty white Mercedes convertible, driving past a graffiti-blasted ghetto. Lana, wearing a white outfit, sits to him. Lex says that, for someone about to change addresses, Lana is traveling pretty light. He gestures to her one big suitcase in the back seat. Lana says that she doesn't need much, since the move is temporary. In the rearview, Lex notices a dark vehicle, which of course means that he's being followed. Lana mentions that the schools (Metropolis U.?) should be open semester. Wow, they shut the whole college down? Lana says that it was nice of Lex to offer her a room at the mansion. What is she, eleven? Can't she share Lex's bedroom? I thought they were luvahs. Lana says she's not sure what she would have done otherwise. She could have kicked Lois out of The Talon. Lex is fixated on the rearview. Lana takes his silence as a form of aggression, and asks whether he's having second thoughts. If it were Lana coming to live with me, I'd be on my eighth and ninth thoughts. Lex sees a big SUV drive hastily off the road. Unconvincingly, he says that there's nothing to talk about, because everything is great. Peachy! Tinkly music of relationship trouble plays.

Kent home. Clark is sitting in the dining area with a thermometer in his mouth. He's 100,000 degrees! MamaKent asks if it was the first time Clark had ever sneezed. He says yes, and that it's also the first time he's had a scratchy throat, and the first time his ears have been all plugged up. He's allergic to The CW! This is a disaster! His actual temperature is 98.6. Clark says that he's no doctor (fucking thank God), but that he thinks it's just a common cold. And he has no basis for this diagnosis whatsoever. Clark takes a Kleenex from a box, but I'm not sure how that's going to do anyone in his sneeze path any good. ["What if it was a Kleenex made of Kevlar?" -- Wing Chun] MamaKent doesn't remember Clark ever being sick. He says that he's never pushed himself so far into overdrive before. MamaKent says that when Clark was in "that zone," he lost his powers. She suggests that his immune system could have been down, causing him to catch something there. Ew, Phantom Cooties. Clark says that he's not really that sick. MamaKent hands him a cup of what I'm assuming is hot tea.

Lois suddenly busts in with just a quick knock and no hesitation, still with her earbuds on and her clothes amounting to to nothing. Without pausing, she grabs a bottle of water from the fridge and announces that a barn door fell from the sky and almost crushed her. If only, if only.... She asks how that happens and takes a sip of water. MamaKent and Clark really have no good answers. They're still wondering how they got so close to this psycho lady that she feels comfortable just barging into their house all the time. "Maybe [the door] fell from an airplane," Clark tries. A really white-trashy airplane. Foxworthy Airlines. Lois says that the only thing out there was a severely traumatized sparrow. She sees the cut lemons and honey. "Uh oh, does Clarkie have the sniffles?" she asks, annoyingly. Clark looks at her, pissed. MamaKent says that it's just a little cold. Lois offers her own home remedy: honey and cayenne pepper. She says it'll make Clark sneeze a bunch of times, but that it'll cure him. MamaKent and Clark exchange alarmed looks. MamaKent says she thinks they're out of cayenne. Lois finds it in the spice rack. She prepares to whip up her remedy. But she's distracted by something outside the kitchen window. Her breasts use their ultrasonic dish technology to sense trouble. Lois sees a gaping hole in the barn and asks, "Where did your barn door go?" Lois says that it was there the night before when she dropped off some documents ("documents"?), but now it's gone. "Look at that," Clark says, lying badly, "it is gone." Lois says she knew the barn door looked familiar. She asks again how this could happen. Polarities and global warming? A dangerous thing just happened. Lois's brain started working.

Stately Luthor Manor. A smooth young black man in a suit is waiting for Lex. He is Mr. Pontius. Lex lays into him immediately: "What the hell am I paying you for?" Deep tissue massage? Lex says that he was followed again today. "Black Range Rover? Edge City plates?" Pontius asks. He says that he tracked it to an abandoned factory on 5th and Hayworth. "Then why are you still here?" Lex asks. Geez -- testy, Lex! Pontuis pauses, just to piss Lex off a little more. "I'm on my way," he finally says, and goes. Lex puts a hand on his chest, all, "Whoa there big fella," and tells him that he wants this taken care of, "by any means necessary." Word to your Malcolm X, Lex. Way to connect. "Do you understand?" Lex asks. You're asking a black man if he understands "by any means necessary"? Lex really should have taken some sensitivity training back in boarding school.

Just then, Lana walks in, wearing a black dress. She says that she had no idea she was moving into a fortress. Really? The castle motif didn't clue her in? Lana says that there are lots of security guards. In his imagination. Lex puts his hands on her arms and says that the guy who just left isn't a security guard; he's a private investigator. He tells Lana that he's being followed; he suspects that it might be someone in the family, but that he can't be sure. Lana asks if Lex should go to the police. He says that, after breaking every law imaginable as Zod, he doesn't want to go near a badge. He can't trust anyone, including his own security. Ha ha. Lex has security, finally, and he can't even trust them. "You can trust me," Lana says, coming to sit to Lex on the couch. Why is there a fire going in the fireplace? Is it that cold around here? Lex takes Lana's hand and says, "Of course I can." He wants Lana to have something. A business card? Can't you have it encrusted with diamonds or something? Lex says that it's in case of an emergency. The card reads "PONTIUS" at the top, and then the name "Robert Pontius, Private Investigator" below. Isn't this the guy Lex was just chewing out? "He's the best P.I. in Metropolis," Lex says. Somehow, I doubt that. Lex says that if anything happens to him, Lana needs to call that number, not the police. This guy will make sure Lana is safe. Lana asks Lex not to talk like that. Talk sexier. Do your Christopher Walker impression. Lex says that he's just being cautious. Lana looks sad. It must be Thursday.

Daily Planet. A down-page A1 story has a headline that reads, "Lex Luthor donates millions to rebuild city." That's a hell of an indent on that story, and it's missing a byline. Clark, dressed down in tablecloth red-checkered flannel, walks in as Chloe is standing, reading that story in the paper. "How's this for a megadose of guilt money?" Chloe asks him, handing Clark the paper. Clark says that he has bigger news. "I sneezed," he says seriously. Chloe says, "...And?" Clark says that it's not normal. It's evil! The spirits are in his sinuses! Chloe says that nothing with Clark is very normal, and that she doesn't think it's a big deal. Clark starts to say something, and then pauses. Chloe tries to hand Clark a tissue, but he turns and sneezes. Dust and papers fly everywhere, and one woman's dress flies way up. I was expecting a close-up on that, but somebody showed restraint. That area of the newsroom is in disarray. Chloe looks surprised. "Gesundheit!" she says. Clark tells Chloe that he has a cold. No one in the newsroom comes over to figure out where that blast of snot came from. Nice. ["Eh, it's just a newspaper office -- why would you expect anyone there to be inquisitive?" -- Wing Chun] Chloe grabs Clark and ushers him out of there. Clark says that, this time, he halfway covered his mouth, but earlier he blew the doors off the barn. He says that the door almost hit Lois, and that now she's digging for the truth and won't stop until she hits China. I say we let China have her. Chloe says that she'll handle Lois, but tells Clark to take care of his cold. Chloe wants to prevent "Hurricane Clark." Clark Kent does not care about journalist people. Clark starts to sneeze again, and Chloe dives over some files to protect them. "Just kidding," Clark says and walks out. Ha ha, good one, Clark. You're a regular Buddy Hackett. Chloe rolls her eyes and chuckles.

By Omar G

Metropolis at night. Papa Luthor sits in his neon-lit office, which doesn't seem to have suffered much in the recent cataclysm. He sits at his desk, flipping over papers, as Lex strides in saying, sarcastically, that he'd forgotten what a concerned parent he has. Lex asks, pissily, if that's why Papa Luthor is having him followed -- to make sure he doesn't destroy the rest of the world? Dude, your body did almost destroy the world. It wouldn't be a bad idea if he was having your possessed ass followed. Papa does his usual bad-ass comeback, saying that if Lex was being followed by his men, he'd never know it. Lex tells Papa that his powers are gone, and that there won't be an encore performance. Aw. Now I'm sad. "Elvis has left the building," Lex adds as he prepares to exit. Papa tells Lex emphatically that if he wants to know who's following him, he should try to remember "every single minute detail of that horrific day." Lex says, "Well, I guess I should have kept a blog."Didn't Lex already have one? Lex says that he suffered a total memory loss. He says that, except for what Lana's told him (and what the news channels should be reporting twenty-four hours a day right now), those hours are gone. Papa Luthor says that the "atrocities" could have been witnessed by anyone. He asks Lex to let him help. Lex says that he's been on the receiving end of Papa's help before, and that he'll pass. As Lex walks out, Papa calls out that some adversaries can't be defeated alone. Like in a two-man leg-tie race! Lex exits.

There's a knock at the door. MamaKent opens the door, and Papa Luthor is standing there in his black coat, looking like the bad-ass. He says that Lex is gone: "I think he's been abducted." Didn't that just happen, like, two minutes ago? Even the police wait twenty-four hours to make those kinds of assumptions. Maybe he has surveillance video. Clark asks who's responsible. Papa says that, considering what Lex stole from the Pentagon, he thought it was the government. Why is The Man always trying to keep rich white guys down? WHY!? He strokes his beard-chin and says that his contacts told him that's not the case: "You have to find him, Clark." Yeah, trust the dumb farmboy, not billions of dollars in resources. Clark says that he and Lex have nothing to do with each other anymore. The fluid-exchanging days are long gone. "But you and Zod do," Papa says gravely. Well, Zod's just a slut, then. Papa suspects that Lex may not be totally honest about forgetting everything that happened while he was possessed by Zod. Papa warns that if Lex remembers everything and enough pressure is put on him by his captors, he might spill the beans about Clark's secret. Okay, Clark is convinced.

Metropolis by way of Good Times. Inside some warehouse, Lex is lying on a table, shackled down. He's also got diodes taped to his smooth head. A Jake Busey-looking dude greets Lex with a big, toothy smile: "Well, hello Mr. Invincible!" Lex's chest is exposed. He asks where he is. "In your cage, where every lab rat belongs," the guy tells him. He warns Lex about trying to escape, saying that he's hooked up to enough voltage to down an elephant. "Who are you?" Lex asks. The guy says that he's just someone interested in Lex's superhuman powers. Lex feigns ignorance. The guy tries to jog Lex's memory: he says that Lex was the one in the Pentagon swatting away bullets like they were mosquitoes. They shot on the only working satellite on Dark Thursday. They just want to know how Lex got the powers. Lex says that people are already aware of his abduction. Busey says that Lex's "people" must be that guy who was wandering around outside, who now has a bullet in his head. So much for the greatest private dick in Metropolis. A second dude stands nearby, watching. Lex gulps. Busey pulls a gun and points it at Lex's neck: "Enough foreplay, all right? Let's get this started." Bound Lex? Dangerous music? Diodes? It must be the Gayest Look of the Episode. Lex is all, "Don't hurt me! I'm usually a top!" Lex grunts. "You're going to tell me everything," the guy tells him.

Now, I support a show that takes chances and does artsy things, and on the whole, Smallville is generally a very handsome-looking show. But this shot? Er, no. The sun is shining right at the camera, making everything bright orange. I imagine this must have been painful to watch in HD. And the shot goes on like that for a good ten seconds. A car pulls up, and we can make out the shape of the fallen barn door in the field. We hear Lois and Chloe get out of a car, Lois is saying that she's no Chicken Little. She asks how it's possible that this barn ended up miles away from the Kent farm. The camera moves slightly, and we finally get out of the blaring burning of the sun. Still lots of glare and sunspots, though. Chloe admits that it's weird, but not Wall of Weird weird. Chloe says that it's a "microverse." Did I get that right? The only microverse I found online was one related to Marvel comics. Lois asks what that is. Chloe says that it's a mini-tornado caused by a sudden change in temperature, and not that uncommon in the midwest. Chloe has definitely got her bullshit mojo going. Lois says that it was sunny and 75. She takes a picture with her cameraphone. Chloe says that it must have happened in the upper atmosphere, where Lois couldn't feel the barometric pressure change. Yes, Chloe, but you're forgetting that Lois's chest would have sensed that. Lois says that either Chloe has been watching too much Weather Channel, or her job has turned her into a hardened skeptic. Chloe says that she's just being realistic. Lois reminds Chloe that she once said science can't explain much of what happens in the town. Chloe smiles big and says that this incident falls under the remaining fraction of things that can. She adds that, sometimes, the answer to a weird occurrence is no further away than the front page of Scientific American. Chloe puts her hand on the barn door, and it slowly falls with a giant creak. I think that was supposed to be comedic. Ha.

Lexy bondage. Lex is still lying down. The second captor is telling Young Busey that he's not supposed to have a gun, and that they were specifically told not to use violence. Psst. You're not supposed to say that in front of the people you kidnap, dude! Busey says thathe doesn't answer to anybody, especially the other dude's boss. He wants to know how Lex is bulletproof; that info is very valuable on the open market. Wussy Guy tries again, but Busey stops him and says he's an "entre-preneur" like it's two words. Busey warns Wuss that he can join his venture or end up like "the Pontius guy." Busey holds up his gun. "Hey, Lex!" he calls out. Lex wearily turns his head. Busey wants to experiment. Lex says that he doesn't remember anything happening. Busey says that he wants to see it happen again, and shoots Lex in the upper arm. Lex screams. Busey comes closer, smiling. He shakes his head like, "Ain't that a shame?" It sort of is.

Commercials. Burger King really tries hard, doesn't it? I mean, they advertise all the time. They have a mascot. They're trying to get into videogames. And I still don't know anyone who eats there regularly.

Daily Planet. Lois is waiting near Chloe's desk. She hands over some papers and says that she was waiting to hand-deliver a story to Chloe's editor. Uh oh. "Wild Wheather Hits Freakville," the article reads. Lois is the only person in the U.S. using a computer with no spellcheck. Chloe asks if she's a journalist now. "Yeah!" Lois says, chipper. "Wow," Chloe remarks, flipping through the pages, "that's a lot of words." Lois says that the Smallville Ledger was too small-minded to appreciate her investigative "reportage," so she brought it to this paper. Chloe tells Lois that she doesn't want to rain on her "Pulitzer parade," but she doesn't think a weather story is going to be useful in the aftermath of Dark Thursday. Chloe goes to get some coffee from a nearby pot. Lois persists, saying that the story is not just an exposé on the paranormal, but also a story of triumph over adversity. She tells Chloe to take another look at the story. Chloe says that she doesn't remember there being an "E" in the word "tornado." Chloe also mentions the extra "H" in "weather." Lois says that Chloe's just jealous that someone else in the family has a way with words. Chloe, very bemused by this, says that Lois may be right about the jealousy part, but that words have nothing to do with it. Lois gives up easily: she decides against pursuing publication in this "pseudo-intellectual rag," and says that, somewhere out there, another newspaper with a nose for news will take the story. Like the Penny Saver? Doesn't Lois even want to talk to an editor? It's not like Lois not to push her way into someone's face, is it? But then again, I'm complaining about Lois acting out of character in this of all episodes.

Luthor Manor. Lana is sitting at the piano playing one awful note at a time. It's "Ode To An Acting Coach." And boy, is it terrible. Clark walks right in, past Lex's "security." Lana wasn't told that she had a visitor. Clark sees Lana trying to play the piano with her stabbed, bandaged hand. Now the song is "Oh Poor Me, I Am Lana, And I Bore You: Pt. 1." "Lana. What are you doing here?" Clark asks. He has superhearing and x-ray vision and he couldn't figure out that she was in this room? Not even bothering to look at Clark, Lana says that she's actually living there now, adding, "If you're looking for Lex, he isn't here." Clark says that he's gone missing and may be kidnapped. "Oh, God," Lana says, with almost no inflection at all. Time for a new song: "I Am Very Sad, You Just Can't Tell Because It's On The Inside (Reprise)." Clark asks whether Lex has mentioned any recent threats. Lana thinks. For a long time. Clark presses her. Instead of answering, she stands and asks why Clark is the leader of the search party. Clark says that no matter what his differences are with Lex, he doesn't want to see the dude get hurt. "Or maybe you have your own reasons," Lana says. She doesn't seem too broken up about Lex right now; she seems to be enjoying sticking it to Clark. Lana asks how Clark knew that Lex would be transformed into Zod before anyone else knew. Clark rolls his eyes around. "Did you tell Lex about this?" he asks. Lana says she hasn't yet. She says that she wants an answer, and that Clark can't keep secrets when Lex's life is in danger. Clark says that if he had all the answers, he wouldn't be there, but that's not really answering anything. He says that he just wants to find Lex. And hold him. And lick his head. "Then do it," Lana says. She opens the door for Clark to leave. "Don't pretend you're doing it for him." Angry chipmunk!

By Omar G

A Metropolis building we haven't seen before. It's got a giant clock at the top. Papa Luthor opens a very industrial elevator leading to a large warehouse-like area. Inside is a mondo industrial office, apparently located right at the top of the clock. Papa walks over to a desk and sees a large photo frame. He picks it up. A happy WASPy couple is holding up a small boy in their arms. Behind them is a giant yacht with the name "Queen Industries" on it. Someone stands behind Papa Luthor in the shadows as Papa chuckles. "Lionel Luthor," says the spiky-haired young blond dude who, if things had gone differently, would have been fighting sea serpents on a weekly basis for our amusement. The young man compliments Papa Luthor on his fine aging as Papa stays amused; he asks Papa's secret. "Perhaps I should give some credit to a nightly nip," Papa says. Not a nip of brandy, but rather an actual human nipple, cut fresh and devoured at midnight. Mmm, that's good nip. Papa Luthor opens a box and hands over a bottle of forty-year-old Highland Scotch, which he says helps cut the stress. "Welcome to Metropolis, Oliver," Papa adds. Oliver appreciates the gesture and says that Papa has always been so generous. Papa Luthor says that he got very curious when he saw the headlines saying that Oliver Queen was moving to Metropolis. News of a major Queen coming to town interested Lex even more.

Papa exposits that Oliver has made such a name for himself in Star City: "Why would you relocate?" Oliver says that he loves the views and the crisp Midwestern air. Papa shakes his head. He doesn't buy that. Papa asks whether Oliver has touched base with Lex yet. Oliver says that he's been meaning to; he asks how Lex is doing and whether he's stepped out of Papa's shadow yet. Papa says that Lex has changed a lot since his boarding school days with Oliver. Oliver says that Papa has inspired him to call Lex: "Yeah," he says unconvincingly, "I'll call him today." Papa says it seems Lex has been abducted. This clearly says, "My son is missing, but I have time to come here and chit-chat with you, so watch your ass, Oliver." Oliver acts surprised. "My God," he says flatly. Wow, now I know why he'd have made a good Aquaman. In the water, he wouldn't have had to talk. Papa remembers Oliver's performances in school plays, purring, "You were always so good...so convincing." Oliver steps forward and says that he's involved in lots of business ventures, but that kidnapping isn't one of them. How about shooting dudes in the arm? That must be pretty lucrative. Shooting off dicks? Very profitable. Papa tries to stare Oliver down. He remembers that Lex and Oliver had a bad history together in school. Papa also knows that Queen Industries had the only working satellite on Dark Thursday. How did that happen? "Hmph," Oliver says. Papa says he knows that Oliver has suffered a lot in his young life: "If you have so much as laid a hand on Lex, the word 'suffer' will take on a whole new meaning to you." The Magnificent Bastard walks to the elevator on that smooth line. "Sounds like a threat," Oliver says. "Have a pleasant stay in town, Oliver," Papa says as the elevator door closes, "however brief it is." Oliver just stands there and slowly craps his pants as dramatic music plays to a crescendo.

By Omar G

Clark knows better than to mess with a cornered rodent. He exits. Clark stands in the hallway, while on the other side of the door, Lana rushes to a phone. She dials the number on the business card Lex gave her. In the hall, Clark hears all, including the P.I.'s name on the voicemail message. Clark zips out of there with just enough information to nudge the plot along for another scene. Lana hangs up the phone without leaving a message. Instead, she starts digging through Lex's desk. She finds a snazzy remote control. A panel of shelves recesses into the wall, and a screen comes down. On it are five panels -- four small, one big. Each video panel shows surveillance from different cameras. The center panel is a replay of Lana undressing in her room. We see her take off her shirt and bra from behind. Why isn't this in real time? Lana is visibly upset. She presses a button, and it zips ahead to the meeting Lex had with Pontius in the office. Lana hears Pontius give the address for the warehouse. Shenanigans!

The warehouse. Lex, shot in the arm, is still in peril. Busey asks what turns some weak, hairless punk into some superhuman goliath. Cialis? "I honestly don't know," Lex mutters. Busey doesn't believe him. He says he knows that LuthorCorp does experiments involving genetically enhanced strength. Lex turns to him with interest. Busey asks what Lex did to himself. "You really want to know?" Lex asks. "A being from another dimension -- actually, another planet -- inhabited my body and gave me powers." Lex says that it's ridiculous but true, and that the power left him when the alien vacated the premises. Pull the other one, weak hairless man! Lex says that's all he knows. Also, he don't know much, but he knows he loves Clark. And that may be all he needs to know. Gun to the neck again. Busey cocks it dangerously. Insert Lex + "cock to the neck" joke here. "Are you mocking me?" Busey asks. No; if Lex were making fun of you, he'd keep saying you look like Jake Busey. Lex asks why he'd mock a guy who just shot him. Given how many people have shot Lex, he may be running out of people in the world to mock. Busey moves the gun out of frame and says that the wound will sting more than the last one did: "You want to keep your new girlfriend happy?" Holy crap, he was gonna shoot Lex's dick off! That is hardcore, Smallville. I tip my hat to your threat of peniscular violence. Lex stops him immediately. Shoot his arms all you want, but keep away from Li'l Lex, buddy. Lex gives in. He says that there's a serum in a lab on the 33rd floor of LuthorCorp. It's in a vault in the center cabinet: "The code is Julian452." He purses his lips and munches his pride a bit. Busey tells his lackey to go check it out.

By Omar G

...when our bald boy lunges forward, headbutting the dude. Lana kicks him, and manages to kick Wussy Guy as well. Lana picks up a gun and points it at them. Busey is bloodied. Without even looking, Lana is able to free Lex from the cuffs around his wrists. When she looks back to finish this, Busey rushes Lana and throws her against a chain-link fence. He points the gun at her neck and yells, "Bitch!" Lex is right there behind him, and stabs Busey in the shoulder with the needle. Busey screams. He fires the gun blindly, creating flames from all the chemicals. A fire erupts. Wussy Guy and Busey escape. Lex and Lana try to escape. Lex tells Lana to look for something to cut through the fence. Lex tries to break the fence with a giant tube. Jamming your giant tube at something doesn't always fix everything, Lex!

Clark is outside the warehouse. He's winded from running. Let's just jog it from here.

Inside. More fire. Lana screams. She notices a hatch above Lex. If there's one thing you'll find where there's chain-link fencing, it's a chain-link fence escape hatch up above. Lana moves equipment to try to get up there. They slide a desk together. Love! The flames drop stuff on them, and it's too late to escape up there. Lex puts his hand on Lana's face and says that it's all his fault. He says he's sorry. Suddenly, there's a fierce wind. It blows out all the flames. Lex thinks, "I know the sound of that blowing! It's so familiar...yet...." Lana and Lex look around. Behind them, Clark sneaks away. More dramatic music.

Commercials. The Butterfly Effect 2. What if they made a bad movie and that created a worldwide rip in the fabric of time/space that created the need for a direct-to-DVD sequel? It's a scary thought.

Cloudy day, Kenty farm. The Barnness of Mopeitude. Clark, in a white t-shirt, is carrying a giant ice chest. Chloe bounds up the stairs, and says that she has something to do in case the lake is too cold to swim in. Chloe presents Clark with a giant bright red kite in the shape of the Superman crest. It's got no decoration or streamers. She presses it against his chest, joking that they won't even have to wait for it to get windy. "Gee thanks?" says Clark. Chloe asks if Clark doesn't wonder what else is possible: "'Clark Kent Airlines: nonstop to Metropolis,'" she jokes.

Lois comes up the stairs, announcing that miracles really do happen. Yeah, wait until you hear this one. She says that man walked on the moon, call waiting was invented, and Lois Lane got her first byline on the front page of The Inquisitor. I'm too tired. I'm not even going to go into the myriad ways that's so wrong. But let's just leave it at this: it's a bad paper, but it's a big paper. A big paper typically has enough resources to turn away all the nutties who show up with crazy stories they want published. But a big paper might be just sleazy enough to want to run a story by a hot young woman it wants working there, and if it publishes trash anyway, it might consider badly written trash that can be cleaned up for publication. But let's just call it what it is: a lame lightswitch plot device that could have been set up a long time ago in a much better way than just springing it on us now. The front page blares, "GLOBAL WARMING OR ALIEN INVASION?" Chloe says she's not sure how she feels about the alien angle. Lois backpedals that she wasn't crazy about that either, but that her editor says it sells papers. "Well, let's hear it for journalistic integrity," Clark snarks. So now they're all three going to be journalists? Wow, this show is really going to suck soon. Lois says she doesn't think she's ever been happier than when she was writing that article. Yeah. It's awesome. "The thrill of discovery, the clacking of keys, the scent of fresh ink," says Lois. Oh God. Just kill us. Please. "I think I've finally found my calling!" Lois concludes. Chloe gives her a weird look. So does Clark. Lois looks annoyed. Chloe asks Lois to come join them on the lake to celebrate. Lois says it looks like rain is coming, and she doesn't like swimming in the rain. In the nude, maybe, but not in the rain. Lois goes down the stairs. Clark and Chloe look out the big barn window. He sucks in a big breath and blows at the sky. The clouds part. Now it's sunny. Lois, downstairs, looks up. "Whoa," she mouths. Upstairs, Chloe says, "It worked!" She puts a hand on Clark's shoulder. They both smile, big-time.

Nighttime at Lex's castle. Lana picks up the forbidden remote control on Lex's desk. She stares again at the surveillance video of herself undressing. Lana is an autovoyeur! She likes to watch...herself. Wait, that's a narcissist. Lex walks in. His arm's in a sling. Lana says that, when she moved in, Lex forgot to mention that she'd be living with Big Brother. Lex says that those are just security cameras, for safety. Lana plays the part with her undressing again: "Was I breaching security when I was alone in my bedroom?" My wife asks why Lana cares if Lex sees her naked if they're dating and have presumably done the deed. But then, I was taping my wife undressing long before we were dating. Lex says that Lana has the wrong idea. He's not taping this for himself. It's for the internet. Geez, girl! So quick to rush to judgment! Lex says that he would never invade Lana's privacy like that. Lana says that he already has, adding that the cameras go or she does. "The camera in your room will be down within the hour," says Lex. But the rest of them? They stay. Lex says that Lana is free to make other arrangements: "This is the way I live. And it's not going to change." Yeah, the first thing you should do after your boyfriend is kidnapped and shot in the arm is make sure he gets rid of his security cameras. Lana's so smart. S-M-A-R-R-T. Don't try to control him! He's a magic man!

Metropolis at night. Oliver's clock tower building. Wussy Guy shows up to report what happened. Wussy Guy finds Oliver on the rooftop. As soon as he opens the door, an arrow hits the wall to Wussy Guy. Oliver, looking through the lens of a big crossbow, says that they were only supposed to use violence if they were in danger. Wussy Guy says that his partner went rogue, and that he'd have been killed, too. Oliver says that he's going to have to be more careful who he trusts. He comes around the corner, in a smart white suit, and asks about his old buddy Lex. Wussy Guy says that Lex's powers are clearly gone. But he adds that someone else in the warehouse seems to have other abilities. "Find him," Oliver says. He turns. "How about Borneo?" Oliver says, as Wussy Guy exits. Oliver shoots an arrow. It flies high in the air, past the full moon. The arrow hits the Daily Planet globe right in the Borneo. Nice aim, pretty-boy!

week: Oliver, man in tights.

By Omar G

Clark uses his hand and pulls apart the metal wall, but not all the way. He struggles after a bit and says that he's not 100%. Chloe has an idea: "What about a sneeze?" Chloe guesses that Clark could take the wall out with a sneeze. What if he knocks over the whole building? Clark says that he can't force a sneeze on command: "It's a reflex, not a circus trick." "Then blow," says Chloe. Clark says that it's not funny. Blow, my boy! Blow like a $2 whore, Clark! It's the only way! Chloe says that, with Clark's lung capacity, he should just inhale and blow it out as hard as he can. Clark says that it's a steel door, not a birthday cake. Chloe prompts him: "Huff, puff and blow this door down!" Only Chloe could make that line work. Slow-motion CGI of Clark taking in lots of air. Ha. Clark sucks so hard. Then Clark lets out a mighty blow. Is it too late to take it back? I think this is the Gayest Look of the Episode. Such skills! Clark blows the door open and wrecks whatever's inside. A wind comes back on Chloe and Clark. Why does it smell like farm animal? "Good thing you didn't have garlic today," Chloe says, smiling.

Triumphant music. Inside the secret room, hanging lights are swinging. Clark and Chloe instantly find a photo (that hasn't been blown away) of a warehouse. "This is where he thinks Lex is," Clark assumes. The blowing awakened Clark's brain! Chloe says that the taxi's leaving. "Let's roll," she says. Clark says that she's not going anywhere, because he can't guarantee her safety with his current health. They start to argue, but Clark zips out of there before Chloe can convince him.

Warehouse. Busey's lackey is filling up a needle with a vial from a very expensive case, presumably gathered from Level 33. Busey drags Lana into the room, and Lex freaks out, asking what she's doing there. Being a bad-ass rescuer -- what did you think? Lex demands that Busey let Lana go. Sure, why not? Busey says that they need a test subject for the serum. Fun! Busey adds that Lex's girlfriend is as good a "guinea pig" as anyone. Close-up on Lana. She's a squirrel, dammit! Get it right! Close-up of the needle. Busey warns Lana that if she does turn into some superchick (Mulana!), he has a gun pointed at her boyfriend's head. Lex interrupts and says that it won't work on her. The serum was tailored for his blood chemistry. Lana tries to stop him. Busey says that it's time to wake the sleeping dragon. He's about to stab Lex with the needle...

By Omar G

Clark is outside the warehouse. He's winded from running. Let's just jog it from here.

By Omar G

week: Oliver, man in tights.