The Zone Diet

S06E01

Welcome to Season 6, compadres! Clark finds a missing floorboard in his Bohemian Rhapsody space prison and falls through it, landing in the dreaded Phantom Zone. Surprisingly, there's an actual scary phantom there that attacks him immediately. Clark is saved by a hot young lass named Raya who used to be his dad's "assistant" back on Krypton. Yeah, I've heard that one before. Raya gives Clark a bitchin' Superman medallion that has protected her. She guides Clark to the supe-secret family-only exit of the Phantom Zone and uses the medallion to kill some baddies, but not before getting iced herself. The price of being Clark's friend, lady. Clark lands on Earth and goes out looking for Lex, who is still possessed by Zod. MamaKent and Lois survive the plane crash and find themselves at the Fortress of Solitude. MamaKent has a chat with Jarnelle, who thanks her for being a good mama and suggests that she has to kill Zod to save the world. Then he sends them back to Smallville. Chloe tries to figure out the Kryptonian symbol message or some crap and finds out that the guy who took her virginity, Jimmy Olsen, is now working at The Daily Planet. Lana, meanwhile, quickly discovers that her man is not her man, but some creepy space dude instead. LexZod decides to make Lana his Earth concubine to produce some heirs and stabs her in the hand with a sword to keep her in place. Lana escapes and confabs with MamaKent and Papa Luthor (who, even in the chaos, is putting the major moves on MamaKent). They decide, stupidly, that Lana should use the Funky Plastic Dagger to kill Zod. She makes out with Zod and tries to be slick, but he stops her and tries to choke-a-bitch, Wayne Brady style. Clark enters and starts a mid-air fight with Zod. They struggle and end up in a field where Lex/Zod gets to say, "Kneel before Zod!" Clark, used to doing so for Lex, has no problem with that. But he does bust out his dad's medallion and use it to get Zod out of Lex's body. Lex doesn't remember a thing and feels awful about everything. Clark finds Chloe just in time to feel awkward about her new friend ("Call me James") Jimmy. Clark feels mopey and alone again. Unfortunately for him, he's not too alone: that creepy Phantom from The Zone got loose on Earth. Hey, I thought that exit was family-only! Maybe Clark has a fugly monster cousin.

MAN, that was a good summer I just had, but it was also life-changing. After that crazy night cruisin' and partyin', the group went its separate ways. One person went off to college. My best friend stayed in town. One of the gang was killed two years later by a drunk driver, and another went missing in Vietnam. As for me, I went to Canada to avoid the draft and became a writer. And now here I am. I don't think I'll ever forget them.

We open on the face of a young Latina sitting in a fancy New York City lobby, looking nervous. She fidgets with her lips, which lie in front of two sets of metal braces on her teeth. A blaring yellow title card reads Ugly Betty. Oh, SNAP! Wrong channel!

Over on The WB, it's...Desire? What the fuck!?

Oh! Right! CW! Uh...channel...what channel is that? Channel 2! Cheesy promos. Pretty young thangs posing for the camera. This must be the place. What's with all the green? Did they sacrifice the blood of Michigan J. Frog to make this network? Apparently, The CW's catchphrase for now is "Everybody wants you." Yeah? Well, then, explain my high-school years. The episode is in HD "where available," which ain't here.

We get right into it, with Clark watching the Earth float away as he mopes from his glass prison in space. You know, even out of the Earth's orbit, that jacket is still unfashionable. Clark looks like he's going to cry. He bangs both fists on the surface of the glass. "Elaine! Elaine!" It's really hard to stop a wedding from way up here. Clark gives up easily. He looks down and sees weird jagged fragments on the floor of his tiny flat prison cell. He presses his foot on an empty space and makes time/space wobble. See, that's what really sucks about using space contractors. They always forget to install a floorboard or put the right kind of "whoosh" noise on the automatic doors of your spaceship. If you wanna do space travel or space prison construction right, you've gotta hire some Mexicans. Seriously. Clark suddenly falls through the apparently ginormous crack, and tunnels down a jagged hole. It's not the first time. It's a lot like Being John Malkovich, but instead of landing to the New Jersey Turnpike, Clark lands on the washed-out metallic-camera-filter desert set of Pitch Black. He rolls down a sandy hill. Clark's got a bloody lip and a dusty Members Only jacket. He stands up and looks around. This place suuuuucks. Clark squints. He begins climbing a hill. He makes it over that hill. Hey, Clark, I bet some Jawas would give you a good deal on your watch. Maybe you can buy a droid. Clark keeps walking. Something whizzes behind Clark, and close to the camera. Clark stops and turns. "Hello!" he calls. "Dink dink!" the Jawas call back. "Is anyone there?" Clark yells, echoing. He keeps walking. Some Predator-looking thing rushes behind him and knocks Clark down. It keeps flying every which way, attacking him. It's cutting him up, but good. This monster's pretty bad-ass! The thing finally grabs Clark by the head with its gnarly, giant hands, and climbs on his back. It throws him down again and wrestles with Clark on the blasted ground. Another one joins in. It's two desert wraiths in nicely done CGI. Someone standing nearby fires a phaser that shoots blue light at the creatures. They scatter. The phaser -- which is actually a small crest -- keeps firing at Clark, but he's unaffected. The person -- who is wearing desert gear from head to toe -- is a woman. We can tell from her pretty eyebrows. Clark thanks her as he struggles to his knees. The woman rears back and kicks him right in the face. The point after! The woman takes off part of her burka. And she's...hot! Who could have guessed? "Welcome to The Phantom Zone," she says coldly. Yeah, welcome to the PZ, bitch! I'm thirsty, so I'm wishing it was the Fanta Zone.

New credits. Clark, looking older and handsomer, crushes a car. He flies with Lana and lies in bed with her. Smooth, Clark. Lana still stares at tornados. Lex flies with Clark, which is something we haven't seen yet. Lois flashes her gigantic tits as she gets out of the lake, natch. Chloe fires a gun, which we also haven't seen yet. Nice! Papa Luthor dives out of the way of a train and looks all crazy and wild. Good one. Clark is in space prison. MamaKent is in her awesome mourning scene. That is one classy hot lady. There are random scenes from last season, including the Lex/Zod/Lana kiss. No Bo Duke. We miss him a little.

Commercials. The latest Fast/Furious movie is on DVD. Is Tokyo Drift like a Cleveland Steamer?

Chaos in Metropolis at the foot of the LuthorCorp building. Rioters are losing their shit. Four of them are beating up Papa Luthor. Two guys are carrying off Chloe, who is upright, which doesn't exactly jibe with where she was when we left her last season. Papa Luthor manages to fight the thugs off himself. He growls and fights off even more dudes to free Chloe. You go, Papa! Chloe does some kicking herself. Someone puts Papa in a choke-hold. One of Papa's heavies comes by to help and tells him they need to get off the street. He says Lex is already inside. "Lex is..." Papa begins. A guy grabs Chloe and throws her on the roof of a car. "I'll get her," says Papa's henchman, and goes to kick some ass. Papa puts an arm around Chloe and ushers her off to safety.

LuthorCorp rooftop. The skies are still orange and smoky. Instead of continuing to make out, Lana has decided to be pensive as she watches the city burn. Lana tells Zod (in the body of Lex) that they have to help all the people. Zod, still in his big black leather trenchcoat, doesn't think so. Lana says that with the powers he has, they can stop the riots. "Lex Luthor is dead," Zod says. You didn't hear? It was quick. Just happened...right...THEN. Lana has a brain freeze. "My name is Zod," Zod says. And I don't come in sizes Small or Medium. Chloe and Papa Luthor appear from the roof access door just as Zod flies off, carrying Lana with one arm around her. They make a lot of disturbance in the air. The camera zooms back down to Chloe and Papa.

Papa and Chloe wait until they're back inside the building to talk about what's happening. Chloe says that must have been Zod. Papa Luthor says that Clark must not have been able to stop him. Ya think? As he grabs a gun, Papa Luthor stops in mid-sentence to think. "Zod has taken over Lex," he decides. Chloe, with blood on her forehead, wonders if Zod might have killed Clark. Papa thinks the dagger that was given to Clark might still be at the farm. He thinks they can use it to stop Zod. "You mean kill him?" Chloe asks. "Kill Lex?" Papa has to think about that one. Chloe offers to go to the newspaper and see if she can figure out anything else about the computer virus. She plans to try to match the Kryptonian symbols for clues. "That won't help us, we--" Papa snaps, and then sits down suddenly. Dude's in bad shape. He says that they need Clark to decipher the symbols. Chloe says that he's Jarnelle's oracle, and should be able to do it himself. "The connection I felt with Jor-El at the fortress...it's gone," Papa explains. It was a magic moment, with confetti and butterfly kisses. He says he can't feel Jarnelle's presence anymore. But he thinks they can fix everything with the dagger. Chloe says that she can't make it back to Smallville with her leg in such bad shape. Can't Papa carry her? Or get a helicopter up in here? Papa stands. He hands Chloe his gun. He asks her to take care of herself. "You too, Mr. Luthor," Chloe tells him. Papa leaves her there. Chloe sighs. "Clark...wherever you are, I could really use your help right now," she says sadly.

Back in the PZ. The sun is so...art-directed! Clark wakes up just in time to get kicked in the gut by Desert Rose. She grabs him by the jacket lapels. Hey, only members are allowed to do that! "Where are you from? WHERE!?" she asks. Clark says that he was born on Krypton and raised on Earth. Kicked it a little in Compton, but still down with the LBC. "Earth?" asks Desert Rose. Yeah, little screwed-up planet. The one the Vogons are planning on paving over. "Kal-El?" she asks. "Kicked me in the gut?" Clark wonders. He lowers his eyebrows. The girl with the pretty eyes says, "I knew your father." You knew Bo Duke? Were you on Dukes Of Hazzard? Oh, wait. Other dad. Sorry. She opens her hand. She's holding a medallion with the Superman symbol on it. It's a necklace. That would totally be an awesome hood ornament. Dramatic music.

Zod is dragging Lana into a big warehouse. She asks where he's taking her, and tells him to let go. "Zod doesn't take orders. He gives them." Zod speaks in third person. Omar recaps that way sometimes. Lana asks what a "Zod" is. Is that like pogs? Lana sees the black Kryptonian ship. That finally shuts her up. But not for long. "Oh God. You're one of those things from that ship!" she says. "Aethyr and Nam-Ek?" he asks. No thanks. I just take cream and sugar. He says that those two were just foot soldiers here at his command. And boy, did those feet stink after traveling all the way from Krypton, ya dig? Lana tells the Lex inside that he's being controlled by Milton Fine and the ship, and that he has to fight it. Puny woman! Did you not hear Zod refer to himself in the third? Insolence! He should drive a sword through her hand for that. Zod says that Lex is gone. Lana says she doesn't believe that. Zod grabs her by the jaw and asks if she thinks he cares what a "primitive" like her thinks. Oh, great. Now she's gotta go scrub with Neutrogena again. Lana asks what he's doing with her if she's just a primitive. Zod says that she'll bear witness to the destruction of the human race. Can he get a witness? He says that it'll be the rebirth of Krypton. Ugh. Born-again Kryptonians can be a little pushy sometimes. "'Krypton'?" Lana asks. Zod says that it was a shining jewel in the vast, dark universe. So why'd ya blow it up, then, dick? Zod pulls Lana over to the ship and says that she'll play a part in its resurrection. He slaps a Lex hand on the front of the ship, and it lights up orange with Kryptonian symbols. Ooh, cool, it has a built-in Harmony remote. The ship spits out a rice cake-looking piece of glowing metal that floats in the air. Zod catches it. He looks at the interesting coaster. Lana shields her eyes as the ship flashes brightly, then disappears. Lana backs away. She starts to run, but Zod zips behind her. Lana gasps. Zod says there's no escape from what's about to happen. That's what I've been saying all summer about Season 6.

By Omar G

Cut to a crashed plane on a snowy mountaintop. The airplane is cut in half, and snow blows in through its interior. MamaKent awakens and looks around, calling for Lois. Wow, even after a plane crash and a snowstorm, she still can rock a red skirt. MamaKent finds Lois's body sticking out of a hold in the plane, her head in the snow. "Oh my God, Lois!" MamaKent cries. There's blood in the snow from Lois's giant head. MamaKent pulls Lois back into the plane. Lois is unconscious; you can tell because she's not spitting out bad dialogue. MamaKent grabs a dingy blanket and pulls it over Lois. Lois opens her eyes. MamaKent tells her that she's going to get them out of there. Or she'll eat Lois. Definitely one of those two things will happen. Lois falls asleep as MamaKent tries to keep her awake. MamaKent pushes her way to the front of the plane. She finds the cockpit. The pilot's seat has a giant hole in it. She finds a headset. She slips it on and calls "Mayday! Mayday!" No answer. She looks out the icy cockpit window. The shiny Fortress of Solitude is reflected in the window.

Inside the Fortress, someone has installed a bunch of red mood lighting. Maybe Jarnelle is getting it on with one of his "assistants." MamaKent has dragged Lois's carcass into the area. "Martha Kent," says the voice of Jarnelle. "You've been Punk'd!" MamaKent stands. She asks why he brought them there. Jarnelle says that they were taken as pawns by Professor SoFine. Jarnelle grouses that he gave Clark an awesome dagger to use on Zod, but instead his dumb son used it to kill SoFine the Robot instead. He's not exactly a chip off the old block. He's more like a paint chip off the old crumbling wall. MamaKent asks where Clark went. Jarnelle says that the dagger killed off all copies of SoFine. So, goodbye James Marsters. Jarnelle adds that the dagger attack also damaged the Fortress and released Zod. MamaKent asks what happened to her son. "Banished forever by Zod," he says. MamaKent looks stricken. "Bring him back," she tells the voice. He says that it's not within his power and that Clark is now master of his own destiny. You might say he's sort of destiny's child. MamaKent yells that she's lost her husband and her son because of Jarnelle's games. Jarnelle says that they've both lost much. And they should totally hook up. That's what the red lighting's all about, oh yeah. Jarnelle suggests that she put aside her anguish if she wants to save her world. He says that the mission must be complete; he wants her to find the dagger and use it to put a hurtin' on Zod, stabby-style. "You want me to murder Lex?" MamaKent asks. Jarnelle says that Zod's taken over his body and has all the powers of true Kryptonians. MamaKent doesn't like this assignment. Jarnelle insists that she find some way to do it. Or all is lost. Lois sputters awake. For some reason, that gives MamaKent hope. "All right," she finally says. "Send me back." Jarnelle says that she has his deepest gratitude for all she's done for Clark: "I could not have wished for a brighter light to guide my son. Farewell Martha Kent." Bright light. MamaKent and Lois explode. We go to commercials.

Metropolis. The Daily Planet building is surrounded by smoke and unnatural pink and purple skies. The camera roams around the basement to find Chloe hidden under a desk. She's rifling through papers and making notes. She's frustrated, trying to make sense of a bunch of alien symbols. Chloe hears a door open, and then footsteps. She reaches forward and grabs the gun Papa Luthor gave her. Brooding music. Chloe slowly gets up in her low-cut top, giving the empty office a free show. She hears a noise, spins, and then spins again. She fires her gun, shattering a big panel of glass. Chloe's hair goes all in her face. "Whoa, whoa, whoa, don't shoot!" someone calls. You might think it's that little nerdy dude from X2, but it's actually his brother. He explains that he works there, and then recognizes Chloe. "Hey!" he says. "This isn't because I didn't call you back, is it?" he tries, grinning. I hope that's a joke, because you took her virginity, dude. Chloe returns the smile. "Jimmy Olsen," she says. Jimmy purses his lips. Chloe may just get laid this season after all.

Lair of Lex. Zod is still dragging Lana around. She asks how he knew to come here. She says that there must still be some Lex in that body for him to remember where to go. Zod grabs a laptop swarming with Kryptonian symbols. "You had feelings for this human," he says. Lana says that she did. Zod faces her. "His feelings for you were also strong. They left an unpleasant taste when I consumed his essence," Zod says. No, that was just garlic from Lana's lunch when you put your tongue down her esophagus. Zod says that the computer virus crippling the world could only be stopped at the point of infection. He says that's the only reason he's there.

Zod busts out the big octagon coaster the spaceship spat out, and puts it near the computer. It glows orange. Zod places it on the laptop's keyboard, and the thing begins to spin around. I want one of those! On the screen, a map of the U.S. appears. "You got rid of the virus," Lana says flatly. Zod says that he needed to acquire information. Such as: who is this Tila Tequila, and why won't she friend-add Zod on MySpace? It is very frustrating! The lights overhead flicker. "Power," Lana says. Helpful, Lana. Zod says that it would take days to restore the power, if the humans even had that long. "The Pentagon," Lana says at it appears on screen. Wow, Lana. I can't wait to hear the episode commentary on this one: "Basically, they just turned all the stuff in parentheses in the script into dialogue for me." Zod says that there's something at the Pentagon he needs. Rumsfeld's balls, for starters. Zod says that the black ship is going to send a pulse around the world, reforming the Earth's crust. "Into what?" Lana asks. "My home," he answers. "Krypton," Lana figures. He says that this time it'll be perfect -- an empire ruled by the bloodline of Zod. Lana thought he needed the black ship. Zod sighs: "Its hard drive can still initiate the pulse," but he needs military satellites to broadcast it. The Kryptonian technology runs on hard drives? No wonder they destroyed their own planet. You can't travel across the galaxy in a ship running off the same thing that runs an iPod! Lana pulls one of Lex's swords off the wall and tries to be all Mulana. She says that she's not going to let him do this. Nice sneaking, Lana. Zod says that there's nothing to be afraid of: the fate of the world won't be Lana's if she gives him what he wants. "What?" she asks, still ready with the sword. "An heir," he says. Some hair? Yeah, Zod doesn't want to go the bald route with this body. Lana swings the blade. Zod easily catches her hands. He pulls Lana's right hand and pins it to a wall. He drives the sword right through her damn hand. Ouch! Lana screams and collapses. Zod says they'll talk about this later when he comes back from the Pentagon. Lana whimpers and hyperventilates. She grabs the sword with her other hand and struggles as she pulls it loose. She screams as she pulls the sword out and falls to the floor. She grits her teeth and manages to get to her feet.

By Omar G

Raya says that most of the people here have had their "corporeal bodies" wasted, and that they haunt the land as spirits. Clark figures those are the jerks who attacked him outside. Raya says that the crest Clark's father gave her is the only thing they fear. He asks how she knew Jarnelle. Not facing him, she says that she was one of Jarnelle's assistants. See, she assisted him by helping place his penis into her vagina. It was very strenuous clerical work. "When you were five?" Clark asks. First, how does Clark know how old she is now? Second, how dare you, Clark. Raya says that time is meaningless here. Sort of like it was in Season 4. Raya says that she wanted to stay with Clark's dad in his final hours, but that he demanded she escape to the Phantom Zone. Clark asks why he and Clark's mother didn't go, too. Raya says that Jarnelle wouldn't stop trying to save Krypton, and Clark's mother wouldn't leave his side. It was AWK-WARD! Raya says that this is all she has left of Clark's father. She shows Clark the Superman medallion. "Every day, he still saves my life," she says. Clark gets up and limps off, saying that he has to stop Zod. "'Zod'?" she says, the way you'd say, "Pizza? Again?" when someone wants you to eat it for the third night in a row. Clark says that Zod is on Earth because of Clark. He asks her if there's a way out of the Phantom Zone that she knows of. Raya, who has a secret stash of expensive makeup products buried in the sand, says that Zod is a soldier and that he'll kill Clark. She's already sized Clark up as a giant pussy. "If there was [sic] a way to save everyone you love, wouldn't you risk dying?" Clark asks. Raya looks Clark up and down. She's totally warm for Clark's form. "You truly are your father's son," she says. Clark doesn't know whether to be turned on or grossed out. He frowns at the dilemma.

By Omar G

Cut to space, where a U.S. Army satellite shoots the Earth with an expensive "lay-ser."

Daily Planet. Jimmy, huge smile on his face, is telling Chloe what was happening the moment all the computers went nutty. He jokes that it's his first day working there, and the world decided to end. Chloe, stumped for a snappy comment, says she can't believe Jimmy works there. They both hear a rumbling outside. A huge noise. They both cover their ears. "What is that?!" Jimmy yells. Dust. Falling debris. A TV falls from a mount. "Jimmmmy!" Chloe yells and grabs him. Of course, she lands right on top of him, horizontal. Yow. It's gonna be a good season. Bookshelves fall. Jimmy asks if there are earthquakes in Metropolis.

Phantom Zone. The bad guys are still mad at Clark and beating him up as they make their way to the portal to Earth. Nam-Ek busts out a dagger again. "Open the gateway!" he demands. Raya says that Clark doesn't know how. She didn't want to say anything before, but he's a little...well...not exactly all Kryptonian in the head, if you catch her drift. Raya says she knows how to open the portal. She asks for the dagger. She needs blood of the House of El. It's the key. She cuts Clark's hand with the blade. "I trusted you," Clark says. No, you actually really didn't much. Sagely, Nam-Ek says, "Trust is for the weak." Also? Mercy. And? Little tiny barbells. "You're right," Raya says; then she spins and slashes Nam-Ek right across the neck. Right across the Nam-Ek, in fact. How ya like me now, space BITCH!? Nam-Ek's buddy attacks Raya. Other sand-dwellers appear over the hill and join in. Ninja party! "The gateway! Go, Kal-El!" Raya yells to Clark. Clark runs. He finds a rock stump with the Superman symbol on it. Clark puts his hand on it and it lights up. Clark does his Blue Magnum face. One of the sand dudes stabs Raya in the side. It's a bad week to be a woman around swords on this show. Raya screams. Clark yells, "Raaayaaaa!" The sand dudes run toward Clark, but he's sucked through a portal of light. It looks like the portal took some Phantom Zone dudes with it, too. We go to commercials.

I never thought I'd say this, but shut up, Audrey Hepburn. You suck, Gap.

A Vancouver...er, Kansas field. Something rumbles overhead. A light bursts in the sky, and seven tiny lights split off it. They scatter. One of them lands right in front of us, creating a huge crater in the ground. It's Clark, and he's already walking. Man, that's a durable jacket. His sliced blue shirt didn't fare as well. Clark superzips out of the scene.

By Omar G

Commercials. Great CW bonus for us all: now you don't have to flip the channel to watch Girlfriends.

Kent Farm. The cows are nowhere to be seen. Maybe they took a wild road trip to find Bo in some crazy computer-animated adventure. MamaKent has found the big plastic dagger in the barn. Is this a dagger she sees before her? Lady Macbeth, no! Papa Luthor, breathless, appears at the barn door. He calls MamaKent's name twice and rushes to her. No hug just yet. He's glad she's all right. "Your son," she starts to say, but Papa Luthor knows all about it, and knows what he has to do. He's all broken up about it. Now they hug, very passionately. Papa Luthor grabs him a handful of pretty red hair. Lana suddenly appears. She's only stealthy when she's sneaking up on the good guys. "Where's Clark?" she asks coldly. MamaKent, surprised, says that she doesn't know. Lana says that she heard Clark talking to Chloe about killing Lex, and didn't know what was going on. Papa Luthor asks where Lex went. Lana says that it's too late; he's got major powers and there's no one who can stop him. "There might be," MamaKent says. She looks down at the ice dildo/dagge and says she has to kill Zod with it. Or at least give him the best night of his life. Lana doesn't think MamaKent would get close enough to use it. "But I can," Lana says. "A lot of people are going to die if you don't let me do this." Putting the fate of the world in Lana's hands? Can't we do something just slightly smarter than that? Like putting Bush in charge, maybe? Lana says it's the only way. Papa Luthor and MamaKent, all scratched up and tired, have to agree. MamaKent hands over the dagger, and it goes right through Lana's hand, stabbing her painfully! Crap, I only wish. Lana moves her eyes and mouth around to signify the import of this moment.

Lair of Lex. Zod is carrying a beaten-up suitcase. He looks around. Sees way too little blood on the floor and the sword he used to impale Lana. (It was a placeholder.) Zod opens up the suitcase to reveal a dangerous-looking computer. It's from the Pentagon! "That's all it takes to end the world?" Lana asks. "And begin a new one," Zod answers. He sees Lana standing nearby with her bandage. He says she freed herself but didn't run: "Why?" Lana walks forward and says she realized that there was nothing to run to. She speechifies that, in order to survive, you sometimes have to give up the things you care about most. Like the middle of your hand. "And give in to fate," she concludes. "So go on, dirty alien man. Just do it. Use Lex's penis to impregnate me with your evil seed. Just don't stab me again, all right? I mean, at least not with a sword." Zod creeps forward: "You would give me an heir? Willingly?" Not for nothing, but shouldn't he be a little more selective than just accepting an heir from the first Earth woman he sees? Shouldn't he go for more smarts? The son of Zod and Madeleine Albright would be a much greater leader, I think. Hell, go for MamaKent! It doesn't speak well to Zod's ambitions that he's so lazy about choosing a concubine. Lana says that the heir will be the first of many. Which makes no fucking sense at all. One heir, Lana. Otherwise you've got kids squabbling over Zod's estate after he gets killed by the Green Lantern, or whomever. Zod looks at Lana.

Clark gets up. He says he won't let Zod destroy Earth like he did Krypton. "Jor-El couldn't stop me and neither will his son," says Zod. Clark says that he'll die trying. Zod threatens the puny humans. Just a thought: am I the only one disappointed that Michael Rosenbaum, who is a talented mimic, didn't try to do more with the Zod voice? It just sounds like Lex on a bad day. Zod takes a step forward and demands that Clark swear his allegiance so that his loved ones will live. Clark really thinks hard about the threat. He loses some precious brain cells. "Kneel before Zod," says Zod. YES! Awesome! Again, I could have stood for a little echo in the voice or a British take on it or something, but I won't complain further. "Kneel!" Zod demands. Damn, I'm gonna kneel here in a second if Clark doesn't. Sad kneeling music plays. Clark goes to his knees and puts his head down. In Kansas, they call this pose "The Cornboy." Zod holds his hand out to Clark. "Gimme some upskin, brother." Clark takes his hand and continues bowing his head. Zod smiles. But wait! Is that a joy buzzer? Zod makes a noise in his throat. He no likey. Their locked hands glow bright blue. Clark looks up, triumphant. Zod grimaces. Clark pulls back his hand, and Zod is left holding something. Clark stands. "My father sends his regards," Clark says. Zod opens his palm; the Superman medallion is there. It buuuuurns! "Jor-El!" Zod says, wide-eyed. "Noooo!" Zod screams, and the black-and-white computer-animated face of Zod -- who looks like the guy from Superman II -- juts out from Lex's body. He's got the hairline and everything. The spirit struggles, then flies out, screaming. Zod disappears into the medallion. Lex falls over. There's a burn of the symbol on his palm, but it heals quickly. Clark picks up the medallion. This thing is the best practical joke ever! Triumphant Superman music plays.

Commercials. The Guardian. Coast Guarders are finally cool enough to get their own movie.

Smallville Medical Center. Surprising! It's nighttime. Clark enters a crowded hospital wing. Somehow, in the midst of the world ending, Lois got her own semi-private room. "Hey, Smallville," she says, as Clark enters. Clark asks how she's feeling. Lois, who has a smudge on her chin, is glad MamaKent saved her life. She can't remember the plane going down. She does remember a beautiful palace of ice and warm light. She says she knew everything was going to be all right. Clark says that she was hurt badly, and was probably hallucinating. Lois insists that it's real. She says she thinks she died and went to heaven. Clark smiles. He's glad she's back. Clark grabs her hand. Lois gives him a weird look. They both look at the hand, and Clark quickly pulls it away. Oh, you two.

Lex at the hospital. He's not looking too bad. Lex sees Lana about to leave. I guess she finally saw someone about her hand. He asks if she's all right. Lana just stares at him, afraid. He asks what happened. "You don't remember?" Lana asks. Lex says that everything went blank after he was standing in a field with Lana. He just remembers waking up in the hospital. Lex sees her stabbed hand and takes it gently. "Is that why you're afraid of me?" he asks. Lex sees people milling about, and asks whether it's all because of him. Lana says that he wasn't himself. The things he did weren't his fault. "Lex, I almost killed you," she concludes. What, with your tongue kissing and your big fake dagger? Yeah. Almost. Lana looks sad. Lex says that he'd have done the same thing. He says he can't make up for what happened, but plans to rebuild everything he damaged. Lana says that won't be easy. "Nothing worth it ever is," he concludes. Yeah, try fixing a broken hand tendon, dude.

Daily Planet. Clark finds Chloe, who's looking pretty happy. She comes over to him. "I thought you were dead!" she says and hugs him tightly. They keep hugging as Clark says, "So did I." Chloe asks what happened. Clark only says it's somewhere he doesn't want to go again. He asks if she's all right. Chloe hugs him again and says that things are great now that he's there. "Um. Chloe," Clark begins, awkwardly. He brings up The Kiss. "When I laid one on you?" Chloe asks. She sweetly says that it was the end of the world, and that she's not expecting to hook up. Clark seems a bit sad about that. "Yeah. Uh. Me neither," he says stiffly. Jimmy, with a nice camera strapped to his neck, ambles over. "Hey, bright eyes!" he says to Chloe. Nice one, dude. "Bad...time?" he asks, noticing Clark. Always. Chloe introduces her "friend" to Jimmy. "Whoa! Grow 'em big in Kansas, don't they?" Jimmy marvels. Chloe introduces Jimmy Olsen to Clark Kent. "Actually, it's, uh, James Olsen," Jimmy says. Chloe, amused, asks, "Since when?" "Since now...ish," he answers. Gotta love this guy. Chloe smiles hugely. Jimmy asks Chloe if she wants to grab dinner from the vending machine. "Love to...James," Chloe tells him. Clark is suddenly the fifth wheel and knows it. Chloe invites Clark along, but he begs off. Jimmy offers to catch Clark later. Sucks to be Clark.

Clark is at the barn. MamaKent is moving lumber around, starting to rebuild. Excited to see her son, MamaKent asks how Lois and Chloe are doing. Clark just says that they're fine. MamaKent says that Papa Luthor told her his connection to Jarnelle is gone. She thinks they might all be better off without Clark's Kryptonian dad in their lives. Clark says that he took Raya's "crystal" (it was a crystal?) to the Fortress for safekeeping. Clark says that he tried to talk to his dad, but that Jarnelle wouldn't answer. Clark says that the Fortress is dead. He's worried that everything is changing. Bo Duke is gone, Clark can't talk to Lex. "Lana..." he begins, but doesn't finish the thought. Clark says that he doesn't know where to go from here. He's got the Season 6 blues. MamaKent says that she didn't know what to do when she was his age, either. She advises him that if he follows his heart, he'll always do the right thing. Clark says that some Kryptonians may do that, too. Jarnelle sacrificed himself trying to save Krypton. And Raya died saving Clark. MamaKent says that every world needs its heroes. "They inspire us to be better than we are," she says, "and they protect us from the darkness that's just around the corner." Clark looks sullen.

By Omar G

Kent barn. Stuff is falling all around MamaKent and Papa Luthor. Instead of running outside, they walk deeper in to the barn so that stuff can fall on them properly. Beams fall. More beams. One of the beams is about to crush them when a familiar set of hands stops it. Clark lifts the structure, saving them both. MamaKent beams. "Clark!" she cries. "Where is he?" Clark asks.

Lair of Lex. Things are falling apart there, too. All the insurance agents in Kansas just had heart attacks. Zod grabs Lana by the hair and lifts her up in one smooth motion. It's as awesome as it sounds. He pushes her against the wall and chokes her. Wayne Brady, no! He says she could have been at his side as Krypton was reborn: "Now you'll die with all the rest."

Something whooshes into the room. "Let her go!" Clark calls. Zod is surprised to hear that voice. He turns, dropping Lana in front of him. Lana didn't see Clark come in? "Kal-El," Zod announces. Clark sees the spinning disc on the laptop. He eyejaculates at it, breaking it and making the satellite stop shooting. Zod is like, "Oh no you did not fuck up my hard drive plan!" Dirty looks. "Noooo!" Zod calls as he superzips at Clark and rams him with his head. The two fly out through the big stained-glass window behind Lex's desk. They fly through the air with the gayest of ease, locked in a tight, dirty embrace. We'll be seeing this one again and again in the credits. Zod just stares at Clark, who is choking him. Oh, it feels so good, yet so wrong. Easily the Gayest Look of the Episode. The two spin further, like a spiraling homo football. And they're both going to make it to the endzone.

Clark and Zod land in the middle of some woods, burrowing into the brown ground, and landing in a pile of soil. They whoosh upright. Zod grabs Clark and throws him. Clark knocks over a tree. The Ents are pissed off. Zod superzips to Clark and grabs him by the jacket. "I don't know how you escaped The Zone," he says, "but you were safer where you were." He slams Clark on a big rock. It cracks into pieces. Punching. More punching. Clark is bloodied and falls in between the rock cracks as Zod keeps at it. The less said about Zod relentlessly fisting Clark in the crack the better. Zod pulls Clark up and asks whether he thought he could win: "You're an idealistic fool just like your father!" Zod throws Clark again. Clark spins horizontally and busts through some treetops to land in a big empty field. Clark slides along the ground. Turns. Zod zips over and lands gently on his feet after rising a few feet. "So easily beaten. Disappointing," Zod says snidely.

By Omar G

Commercials. The Guardian. Coast Guarders are finally cool enough to get their own movie.

By Omar G

Papa Luthor's office. He's at a desk writing down Kryptonian symbols. He draws a diamond. Then a rectangle and a circle. It's a cart with a sail on it! Noooooo! Papa Luthor realizes something huge. He writes down the word "Power" under the three shapes and underlines it. He's got the "Power"! Also, Mars needs women.

Lair of Lex. It didn't take long to get that stained-glass window repaired. Lex opens up his laptop. He finds a broken piece of Zod's octagonal space coaster. Uh oh. Lex is intrigued all over again. He turns the disc, Kryptonian symbols all over it, around in his hand.

A beautiful waterfall area. A title card reads "IGUAZÃ FALLS, PATAGONIA, ARGENTINA." Pretty rainbow. We pan across. We hear a low roar. One of those crazy monsters from the Phantom Zone streaks across the top of the water, and then comes right for us. We cut to black.

week: Lexperiments.