The story so far: Al Gough and Miles Millar of Smallville fame pitched a show called Mercy Reef that was to be the story of Aquaman, the superhero with the orange shirt and green pants who talks to the fishes. Are you wet with excitement yet? The test run of the concept was an episode ofSmallville in which the fishy fellow appears. Said Aquaman was a bit different than the one we see in the eventual pilot: he was so beefy you could skewer bits of his head and make gigantic shish kebabs. Then came the news that the newly formed CW would incorporate the withered, emaciated bodies of The WB and the UPN netlets to make one slightly larger nerd to get sand kicked in its face at the broadcast beach. Surprisingly, Mercy Reef was not picked up for the schedule (insert 7th Heaven slam here) and months later, the finished pilot was released to iTunes as "Aquaman," where it now sits perched very highly on the download service's top programs. Who knows what'll happen. Aquaman has been much in the news after a season-long storyline on Entourage (and one very befuddled newscast) and it wouldn't surprise me if this show came back in some form or fashion. Now, on to the pilot! Water. Lots of it. I'm going to say right off the bat that I have a very hard time recapping something I can only watch in iTunes because I keep wanting to skip to the random track and listen to some Gnarls Barkley or Arcade Fire. And despite my having a pretty fast computer, the controls to move around in the video are beyond sluggish. Fix that shit, Apple! Rant over. Where were we? Oh yeah, water. "My son's story begins in the ocean," says a woman's voice. Not the ocean of your womb, right? Please don't tell us about your salty bodily seas. We're underwater looking up toward the blobby sun as tiny fish scurry around. The woman says that the sea is full of secrets. And Teamster parts. She says that some of the secrets are beautiful and some are dangerous, like that hammerhead shark that just passed by. A giant man-o-war swims by as she tells us that the secrets have baffled man for centuries. Shit, I'm baffled right now. How does that thing eat? Who is it wearing? Can it read my mind, man? She tells us none are more baffling than the Bermuda Triangle. Shot of a sunken ship. Close-ups of some seahorses. She says in order to understand the Triangle, you must understand her son. Her son is a triangle? A shot of a wave crashing. She says that although her son lives among us (like a fungus), he was born in the darkest reaches of the sea. Hey, I got a joke. Where do Atlanteans shop for clothes? At Mer-vyn's! Ah, but I kid the fish people. Voiceover Mom says that she'd hoped to give her son a good life and teach him to become a good man. We cut right to Nirvana's Nevermind album cover, minus the dingus. A baby floats happily in the water as she says she was taken from him. The baby moons us.
We go to black. "AQUAMAN" title card in crazy sea-crusted ltters. We hear a loud whoosh. They just harpooned Tom Shales! Cut to a twin-engine plane flying over an impossibly green sea. "Bermuda Triangle. 10 Years Ago," a title card reads. A tow-headed buck-toothed boy is staring out the plane window, grinning widely. He sees a group of dolphins diving along together with great porpoise. Aquatot is loving this shit. His mom, at the controls of the plane, smiles. Holy Lou Diamond Phillips! He apparently is some sort of marinero or capitan here as he radios in wearing a smart white military uniform. Coast Guard much? He asks if she's out there. "Flying high and free," Aquamom says. Is it just me or does she remind you of Brenda Strong? Maybe it's just the from-beyond-the-grave voiceover work. She says, "All the hatcheries were undisturbed. Did you miss me?" See, that's totally sex talk, but they have to clean it up in front of the kid. The correct answer from Lou Diamond would be, "The hatchery is about to get fertilized something messy as soon as you get here. Over." LouDi smiles and says he misses her more than he can say on an open frequency. You never know what kind of skeevy pervs are hanging out in the Bermuda Triangle waiting for the Coast Guard to start talking dirty. LouDi asks about Aquamom's new pint-sized research assistant. "He's got something to tell you," she says and hands over the radio to Aquatot, who ambles over happily. He's wearing an orange tank top not unlike the ones my brother would wear when he was a wee muscle-bound tyke. The kid tells LouDi about a sea turtle that was "The coolest thing ever." I used to think sea turtles were the coolest thing ever. Then I hit puberty and moved on to clams. As LouDi grins, the kid says that he held his breath underwater for almost five minutes. Holy crap, kid! You're almost as good as David Blaine! LouDi says that's incredible and that the kid must be part fish. Oh, hey, I got another one. Who's Aquatot's acting tutor? Marlin Brando. Ah ha ha! These fish jokes are a goldmine, I tell you! A damn treasure chest, if you will. Aquamom asks LouDi if he wants to grab a pizza and meet them when they land. But her radio suddenly cuts out and her plane instruments go haywire. She starts to look worried. A seahorse pendant on a necklace she wears starts to glow against her chest. She looks ahead and sees a disturbance in the water; something is glowing and swirling. "Oh, my God," she says. God says, "Sorry, I only work for shows that get past the pilot stage." LouDi, still with that half-smile, asks if his honey's all right because he just lost her. He's going to be losing her a lot more in just a minute. The plane looks to be flying in the direction of a giant sea tornado that magically appeared from the water. "Atlanta?" LouDi tries again. Turbulence in the plane. Aquamom tells Aquatot to buckle up. She tries to evade sea funnels that keep appearing as if put there by lightning flashes. Aquatot gets strapped in.
LouDi asks his trusty radar guy, whom I shall call Radar, if there are any storms brewing out there. Radar says it's clear skies for five hundred miles. That's why he has to sit at the radar controls all day. Because nothing is happening. Dramatic music plays. LouDi doesn't look happy. I don't know what he's so pissy about. Mom always liked him better! On the plane, Aquatot grits his teeth as the cameraman shakes the camera around and makes mean faces. Outside, more blasts on the water as the plane keeps dodging. The skies are gray and there are continued tornado blasts. Aquamom screams just before the plane windshield blasts open and water floods into the aircraft. Nice CGI shot as the camera sails into the submerged plane. Aquatot calls for mom's help just as water fills the cabin. Outside shot of the destroyed plane sinking further down toward the ocean floor. The kid tells his mom that he's stuck and can't get loose. She tells him that he has to get to the surface because they're coming for him. Oh, and do good with his life. Geez, mom, you're not dead yet. Why not go together? She takes off her seahorse necklace and puts it around Aquatot's neck. She promises to find him again someday. I'm guessing it'll be near water. "I love you, Orrin," she says. It's not Aquaman! It's young Orrin Hatch! This show's gonna rock! Water floods over Aquamom's head. She turns dramatically as a shape darts quickly in the water toward her. Underwater, Aquamom yanks Aquatot's seatbelt off with a mighty yank. The kid looks at his mom like, "Wow! My mom rocks! Remind me not to yell so much at the supermarket for crappy toys." She looks toward a steel door that is being pummeled at by something strong outside the plane. Aquamom pulls Aquatot toward the emergency exit on the opposite side of the plane. She looks back in time to see a nasty claw rip through the steel door. Those Greenpeace folks get really persistent if you don't keep your donations going every year. Aquamom kicks open the emergency door. Little Aquatot floats out. Aquamom looks back, thinking, "Get away from him, you bitch!" Something with a horrible, skinny purple arm grabs at her neck and the plane revolves away from us as Aquatot helplessly watches. Nice, shot, I have to say. The special effects are pretty top-notch here. Aquatot floats off, grasping, toward the surface. Shot of a sunset. The ocean is calm and beautiful. Well, at least you got a necklace out of it, kid. You could trade it in at the pawn shop for some cash and totally score some crack. That'll definitely get your life going in the wrong direction.
The sunset turns to night and we see a crescent moon. Below, the kid is still underwater, floating and unconscious. He sinks. A whale swims nearby. "Hey, kid, you lost or something?" The whale swims underneath the tot and goes to the surface. Aquatot is sprawled on the back of the whale as we see it rise up from overhead. Ethereal music plays as the kid awakens and sits up. He stands, and the camera circles. The whale blows a sharp stream of water from its blowhole. "Hey, kid, you thirsty?" The kid looks around, confused as a bunch of other whales swim alongside. "Mommm!" he cries into the night. He's the prince of whales! A loud, deep boom and we go to blackout, presumably for a commercial we'll never see. Under the sea! A title card reads, "Tempest Key, Florida this morning." Dolphins, fish, and a shirtless blonde guy swim along happily. Now, this isn't Smallville and I wasn't planning on gaying it up over here, but, man. This is pretty gay. And by that I mean happy. There's even light-FM calypso music playing! Our Aquaman swims right to a dangerous-looking shark, then moseys over toward a sunken ship. He kicks up some dust on the ocean floor as he kicks away. He's definitely got that fin thing going with his feet. Lots more sharks. A close-up of his seahorse necklace. He looks to the distance and then takes off like a torpedo at fast speed. When he does that, all the sealife is mysteriously missing from the shot. I guess you don't want to show little fishies getting blown away all over the screen. Up on the surface where smelly humans live, Aquaman climbs up the ladder of a boat called (in very large skinny letters) "Quint." How quaint. He's wearing red swim trunks and his back is to us, so there's no way to gauge shrinkage. I'm guessing not getting shrinkage is one of Aquaman's key powers. The camera pulls back to show all of "Quint" and it's a cute boat, indeed. Aquaman steps into the cabin. I'm no good with seafaring terms (I lived for six years in Oklahoma where I almost officially became a "landlubber."), but I think it's the cabin. What's the "Head?" Is that the same as a "John?" Is that aft? Anyway, some dude behind Aquaman opens the door and, I swear to God, leers right at him. The guy, in a police uniform, just ogles at our shirtless sea hero like there's no tomorrow on land. There's not supposed to be a Gayest Look of the Episode here, but damned if that isn't it. Mouth open momentarily, he manages to say to Aquaman, "Morning, A.C. Looks like you had a busy night!" Gettin' busy! Oh, man!
They go out onto the deck (it is "deck," right, and not, "poop platform" or "ocean driveway"?), and Aquaman asks the guy, who is apparently the sheriff, what he's done this time. Aquaman takes a long time putting on his shirt, the better to distract Sheriff All Eyes. The sheriff asks A.C. where he was at 10 the night before. Aquaman says that he doesn't wear a watch. Sheriff asks if he went to Neptune World and freed five dolphins. A.C. tells the sheriff that he's got the wrong man. "Is that so?" the sheriff asks. He thinks that he's got the right man and he's not going to stop until it's the heat of the beat of the meat. Or words to that effect. The sheriff pulls out some folded papers and asks how A.C. explains "These Kodak moments." They're surprisingly clear surveillance photos of A.C. hopping fences and looking like a criminal. The last one shows his head above water to a dolphin's fin. A.C., never losing his cool or his smile, says that any ten-year-old with a PC could have Photoshopped those. The sheriff makes a big production of putting his hand on Aquaman's shoulder, getting behind him and talking about breaking an entering. Oh my. He arrests our hero, also for animal endangerment. Aquaman bristles and says he's seen Port-a-Potties that were cleaner than the tanks at the amusement park, and adds that he was doing the dolphins a favor. Nice confession there, Moisty. "Yeah, the world is full of misunderstood heroes," the sheriff says. Oh, just kiss him, already. A very tacky sign outside a building reads, "Tempest Key -- Sunsets were invented here!" We pan across young bodies in scant wear toward an official looking building where, outside, Aquaman is thanking his dad for bailing him out and promising to pay him back. LouDi, in his crisp Coast Guard uniform, says that this is the third time this year it's happened. A.C., a little ungrateful, says that he bets his dad wishes he'd never signed those adoption papers. Coldness! LouDi warmly calls him kiddo, and says that no matter how many times A.C. screws up ("...and you're going for the record here"), he'll always be the father of a fishmanthing. LouDi crosses the street and says he has to go to work. That sucks, dude. It's almost as if on the shore, they work all day and that out in the sun, they slave away. A.C. reminds him that it's ten years to the day since his mom disappeared. LouDi tells him to stop and not do this to himself. Aquaman reminds his dad, probably for the billionth time, that his mom called him "Orrin" and said she had much to tell him. LouDi gives his son a pissed-off look. "Didn't she also say to do good with your life?" Yes, that was in the transcript, sir. LouDi says he doesn't see A.C. fixated on that, and that he should be at Stanford, not in jail all the time. Beach bum. A.C. says that he's not leaving Tempest Key until he finds out what happened to his mom. Or till we hit syndication. LouDi says that he misses her, too, but that the kid has lots of potential he's just letting go to waste. Aquaman, looking a bit like a blonde Ben Affleck, says that he's sorry. LouDi tells the "kiddo" to pull his life together. Lay off the hard algae, kid. Stop shooting squid ink in your veins. Clean it up, man! LouDi drives off. A.C. is, like, totally bummed, dude. He stares off onto the beach which is conveniently just to his right.
A hot young thang is putting up a sign that reads, "For Sale -- Inquire at bar" on a boat. She seems entirely too thrilled by the idea of hammering something to a piece of wood. A.C. comes up behind her. She turns and sees him. "Rough night?" she calls. Smiling strangely, A.C. says that the night was fine, but this day keeps sucking more by the minute. Ugh, that must have been an ugly scene at the police station. He asks why she's putting a "For Sale" sign on his boat. Walking toward us, the girl, wearing the skimpiest of bikini tops and short-shorts, says that technically the boat is still hers. She says it's about time she cut her losses. Cut her losses? What is she, eighteen-years-old? Are you saving up for a pony? A.C. apologizes to Boatgirl for blowing off his charter duties that morning. She snarks that it's ironic watching five cardiologists have a heart attack when they find out their dive instructor is in jail. A.C. tries, not very hard, to salvage the conversation by saying it was just a holding cell and that the plan was not to get arrested. Well, that was a shitty plan then, wasn't it? She brings up another incident involving a cruise ship and a bar tab. He says it was a wedding and he got caught up in the moment. A career criminal who drinks to excess and blows off work every morning? Wow, this could be a lot more fun than watching a farmboy mope up in a barn every week. A.C. jokes that the bridesmaids said his toast was incredibly romantic. Smiling way too much, Boatgirl says one of the bridesmaids should have wired him money for the bill. A.C. asks if she's really selling the boat. She complains that they're business partners and that he shouldn't have chosen the night before to go all Greenpeace on her. Looking stricken, A.C. gives her a serious look and tells her the real reason he saved the dolphins: "It's because I felt like they were calling to me." Did it sound like this? "ACK ACK EK EK EK EK ACCK!" BarGirl softens her pretty eyes and asks if her friend can talk to fish now. He reasons that dolphins are mammals and that it was more like a weird empathy. Like what I have for Smallville. I totally understand, big guy. "ACK ACK EK EK EK EK ACCK!" She suggests they call her friend at Dolphin Rescue and set up a legal defense fund. A.C. brightens and thanks her. She tells him to get to work and tosses a dish towel at him. A.C. walks behind the very spangly bar, which has lots of colorful trinkets strung up, and which I hope he wasn't responsible for. Let's hope he was out saving some manatees or something when the décor was being chosen. Just then, Ving Rhames sits his hulking frame down and says, deeply, "I'm getting tired of staring at these bottles." It's enough to take you right out of the show because it's Ving Fucking Rhames! Wearing the world's dingiest sleeveless undershirt and some gnarly neck scars (plus a thick moustache), he is authority personified, and if it were me, I would just start chucking liquor bottles into the sea just so he wouldn't have to look at them a second longer. Command me, Ving!
"Anyone around here wanna pour me a drink?" Ving asks, as the camera comes in close. Say what you will about Al and Miles, but they know how to fill out a supporting cast. Great Rhames! A.C. says it's a little early for happy hour. Motherfucker, did you not just hear the man? Get him a motherfucking drink before he motherfucking smacks you! Motherfucker! "You're Tom Curry's boy. I've seen you diving Mercy Reef," Big Ving says. I almost feel it necessary to type everything he says because it all sounds so damn good coming out of his mouth. And, oh yeah, Mercy Reef. Wasn't that the horrible, awful name this show was supposed to have instead of just Aquaman? I mean, come on, guys. Mercy Reef? Did you really think it was gonna get picked up with a name like that? Why not just call it Compassion Cove or Humanitarian Peninsula? How about The Isthmus of Caring? Like a smartass of massive proportions, Aquaman says, "I didn't realize I had a fan club." "You don't," Big Ving tells him. He says he runs the lighthouse at Atlas Point and you can sort of see the strain in having to say that name. "The gulls got nothing on my view," Ving tells him. And if they try to go any higher he rips them wing from wing. Aquaman pours him a shot and says it sounds beautiful. With no preamble, Ving says to A.C. that he remembers the day his mom's plane went down. "That cloudless Caribbean sky. God couldn't have painted a prettier picture." Ving toasts the big man upstairs, possibly the only man bigger than him. "Then out of nowhere came the storm." He finally downs his drink. A.C. is sweaty, but intrigued. He asks for this guy's name. "Name's McCaffrey," says Ving, who is probably not Irish. "Keep the change." A.C. grabs the bill on the bar and Ving puts his hand on his. Whoah, buddy! "If you look hard enough into the deep," Ving says, and I am terrified, "something's going to start looking back." Please don't be talking about body parts...please don't be talking about body parts...A.C. gulps. "Watch yourself," Ving says. Surely he'll be watching, too. Ving moves out of frame. The camera turns to look at A.C.'s no-longer-cocksure face. He just pooped himself a little. Overhead shot of blue-green ocean water. "Mercy Reef," a title card shows us, "25 miles off Tempest Key." Thunderous action movie music is playing. Mercy is for suckers! A body is floating on a plank of wood. A helicopter floats by and someone jumps out to help. We hear another person on a radio say that they've found a possible shipwreck victim. Be careful! It might be one of The Others! LouDi emerges from the helicopter wearing a big goofy blue helmet. Instantly, the survivor is in the chopper, and LouDi is prying his eye open to flash a penlight at it. The guy is hypothermic, apparently. He's pretty young, too. LouDi notices a necklace around the guy's neck. It's the same seahorse that Aquaman wears with little seashells on either side of it. Wonder if that's related in any way. The kid wakes up and says they're coming. "Must warn Orrin!" he says. LouDi tells him to take it easy. Another close-up of the necklace. Now I know it might possibly be related!
Fighter jets! Your tax dollars at work! Title card: "Tempest Key Naval Air Station." A comely young Latina wearing a flight suit and with her hair pulled back strides right. Another group of pilots walks by and one of them reminds her to take a left at Cuba, Torres. Without stopping, she tells the guy that he'd get lost on a two-lane highway. Well, she's not the snappiest of banterers, but that's all right. She's a former Miss Universe and a former BatChica. Witty comebacks aren't really what got her here. "Commander Daily" greets Lt. Torres (Aquachica). He's a gruff older dude in khakis and a crew cut. He tells her that she has new orders to fly over Mercy Reef. She asks for permission to speak freely. Uh oh. I hope there's not a speech coming. She starts asking if she's being given an easier assignment because they think she can't handle the rigors of the program. "This is not the LPGA, Torres!" the Commander tells her, "you tee off with the men!" Tee hee. He bellows that these orders came from above his head (from a hat?) and that they told him to put his best pilot on the case. And that's her. So stop your whining, chica. He asks if he's blown enough sunshine up her "backside" to get her to fly. Yeah, don't say "ass," dude. You could get court-martialed. He tells her that they pulled a John Doe from Mercy Reef with no boat, no ID and no idea where he came from. He asks her to look for anything out of the ordinary. Surprisingly good footage of the fighter jet taking off. Wow, they didn't even go to the stock footage well for this. Aquaman swimming. I'm willing to bet we'd be seeing a lot of this if the show had been picked up. He torpedoes right toward us and it looks a little...well, fishy. The camera shows his point of view and gets all zoomy. Aquachica flies over the reef and reports that there's nothing out there. Her helmet, helpfully, says "Torres." She does a few barrel rolls for no good reason other than to waste fuel. As Aquaman swims, he sees the jet fly over the surface. He gets visibly excited, grins widely and propels himself forward. Aquachica sees a red spot on her rudimentary radar and says something is following her. At the rate it's moving on screen, it would have hit her by the time she said anything. The camera pulls back and overhead as we see the top of the jet and the shape below the water zooming along with it. We zoom down and see Aquaman humping the water rhythmically. Oh. Wow. The shape on the radar drifts away as Aquaman slows down. He pops to the surface and looks up. This is his idea of partying. Aquachica says that she's going to circle around. A.C. looks worried as the seahorse on his necklace starts to glow orange. Aquachica spots a swirling mass in the water. It's between her jet and Aquaman. A beam of light shoots up from the water. She tries to evade. The thing smacks her jet and sends it twirling. She ejects without making any move to try to keep her plane flying. The plane tumbles to the water and explodes. A.C. is flung back in the water, but seems fine. He sees Aquachica's jet seat sink in the water. Shouldn't that thing have some floatation devices in it? A parachute at least? He swims for her. She's unconscious. He pulls off her helmet for no good reason than to see her lustrous hair. Yep, it's a girl. He pulls off her safety straps much as his mom did back in the day and propels her through the water. Rescue aquatics! Wow, how amazingly appropriate -- the pilot in the show crashed and burned, too.
Insert commercial here. Tempest Key Hospital. I have another feeling -- that we'd have a lot of scenes here if this show were to keep going. Aquaman is pouring a glass of water as Aquachica lies in bed. She wakes up. "It's you," she says. A.C. welcomes her back. He says the doctors said he could stay in the room with her until she woke up. Yeah, I call bullshit on that. Smiling, he says he hopes the Navy doesn't have a, "You break it, you bought it" policy. She smiles. He asks if she remembers anything. "Just a flash of light," she says, "then I was flying through the water. And you were carrying me." Oops. You're not supposed to reveal your powers in the pilot, jackass! She smiles in wonder and says they were going so fast. A.C. plays it off, saying that when you're drowning, you lose oxygen to the brain and start seeing things. That's exactly how M. Night Shyamalan is writing scripts these days. There's an awful lot of flowers in the room. Are those from her military buddies? Aquaman excuses himself, but not before she asks if that's his way of saying she's crazy. No, it's his way of covering his wet ass. He says that her plane crashed at seven hundred mph, so he's going to reserve judgment till the painkillers wear off. He offers to tell the nurse she's awake. Why not get a little ambitious with your life and look for a doctor instead? She tells him to wait and asks his name. "It's not important," he says. She insists that he saved her life and it's important to her. "A.C.," he says. "How strange of him to change the subject," she thinks, "but I guess it is a little warm in here." Big smiles. She doesn't seem too banged up for having survived a plane crash. In the hospital hallway, the ever-underdressed Aquaman notices the seahorse in his shirt is glowing and humming. It's time to go to a rave! A.C. turns and sees the same color light spilling out from under a door to an exam room. Through the small window in the door he can see a young man lying in a hospital bed with the same necklace a-glowin'. A.C., of course, thinks nothing of just barging into the room. He slowly gets closer and picks up the guy's seahorse. (Not a euphemism, by the way.) The guy wakes up suddenly. "Orrin!" he says. A.C., man! A.C.! He tells Aquaman that "They" know he's here and that he survived. Uh oh. Aquaman asks how he knew his name and where he got his awesome necklace. "They're coming...for you," the dude says, and falls back unconscious. "Who are you?" Aquaman asks. He's pretty unperceptive because he didn't notice a government guy and two soldiers enter the room. "Visiting hours are over," says the suit, who happens to be Craggy Poor Man's Chris Isaak fromSmallville. What a killjoy! A.C. asks who the hell this guy is. The suit pulls out his official wallet and flashes a badge that he claims gives him the right to be the one asking the questions. You totally got that off eBay, didn't you? And it says, "Female Body Inspector," right? The soldiers push A.C. aside and wheel the hospital bed right out. Good thing the guy wasn't connected to any monitors or IVs, huh? I guess they don't believe in "medicine" and "technology" in Florida hospitals. A.C. asks where they're taking his seahorse buddy. Craggy Chris Isaak walks out without answering. Aquaman follows. We get a shot of a bubbling water cooler and a woman's chest as she's getting water from it. A.C. keeps following as Craggy Chris Isaak pulls out a cell phone and says, "We got him." A.C., for no really good reason, gives up pursuit. As he walks out of frame, the camera settles on someone else. It's a girl in a purple top. I knew I knew that chest! It's the nude alien girl from anotherSmallvilleepisode. Wow, everybody who's ever been killed off over there is suddenly in this pilot. She smiles a little strangely, holding her tiny cup of water.
Close-up of the seahorse necklace in the dark. It's the crash survivor and he's in what looks like a bunker with two-way mirrors. On the other side of the glass, Craggy Chris Isaak is asking a lady standing to him how long the kid's been awake. She says that it's been five minutes. He asks if the kid has displayed violent tendencies, like the others. The Others!? She says no. She hands over a set of records from the Naval archives. She says that the dental records match their John Doe. Craggy Chris Isaak must think this guy did a bad, bad thing. Craggy Chris Isaak says this guy was part of a battalion that disappeared in December 1945. Why, that would make him...a billion years old! Inconceivable! "Bermuda Triangle," Craggy says. Oh, well that explains that. The poor young soldier moves toward the mirror. Craggy holds a faded old photo up and says nonchalantly, "Welcome home, Vincent Thompson. Where the hell have you been the last sixty years?" Yeah, dude, sea travel is for suckers. It's disco night at Aquaman's bar. The boat-shaped bar is actually a very cool-looking aquarium! Nice! While ladies are partying in bikinis, A.C. is busy on the phone trying to get a hold of his dad to ask about the guy they found on Mercy Reef. Dude! It's Jäger time! Put the superhero 'tude away! Come to the Bermuda Triangle! It's time to get lei'd. Or is that just in Hawaii? Some dudes are talking smack about "this bitch" and standing near A.C.'s boat talking about some big fish they caught. A.C. wants to go kick some ass, but Boatgirl stops him and says she's already told them to dock somewhere else and will report them to Fish & Wildlife in the morning. If you own a bar by the water and don't like people fishing, you're going to get into a lot of fights, I imagine. A.C. says that he's going to remind the guys about the catch-and-release policy for marlin. They indeed are carrying a big, fake-looking marlin. At least it's not Marlin Wayans. Boatgirl advises that beating the crap out of those guys is only going to land A.C. back in jail. She's assuming that he won't get beat up by four or five guys? Does she know about his powers or what? A.C. is walking back when he's stopped by a giant pair of tits carried by Crazy Alien Girl from the hospital. She's wearing a barely-there purple bikini top and says that it's amazing how cruel some people can be. Distracted, and not by the breasts, A.C. says, "Yeah. It bothers me more and more." You need to move to a landlocked state. He mopes that the marlin should be out in the ocean and not over some dude's fireplace. "Maybe someday the fish will get their revenge," Alien Girl tells him. He brightens up. "I dunno. I think rednecks make pretty ugly trophies." They look even worse in big glass bottles. She says her name is Nadia. Naughtya? She says she heard that A.C.'s pretty amazing underwater. He says that he's free to go diving tomorrow if she likes. She insists they do something tonight. She stares at him and her voice goes all weird. "Let's get out of here," she whispers roughly. At least we think she's whispering since we can't see her mouth. A.C., who is either hypnotized or failing to act, says, "Great idea." He says they can go for a swim. "Must have read my mind," Nadia says.
Swimming at night. Two bodies dive into the water and...they are so naked. I see booby and asscheek and more booby. I think I can see her Aquavulva. If you're a sea creature with fake boobs, is that like imitation crab? Boobsy Bobbing and Aquaman emerge on the water's surface with a giant lighthouse flashing an enormous light behind them. Yeah, perfect spot for skinny dipping, fools. He tells her she's not so bad a swimmer herself. "Years of practice," she says. She floats up and almost flashes us before telling him they met once a long time ago. "You sure about that?" he asks, and says that he would have remembered her. "Let me refresh your memory," she says, smiling and dunks her head underwater. My God, how old were they when this blowjob took place? He waits, and we get an underwater shot where he's obviously wearing shorts now because we can't see his dangle. The girl's legs turn into a scaly tail. Uh oh! Trouble! On the surface, A.C. calls for Nadia and says she's starting to freak him out. Music strums as she resurfaces. Good God, the ugly stick! Homegirl does not look good without waterproof makeup. She's purple and has fangs and claws, and is just like Katherine Harris but with slightly less political motivation to destroy you. She claws at A.C. twice as he yells. Underwater, her long-ass thick tail writhes. Sadly, this is how almost every high school date of mine turned out. Something shoots the ugly sea serpent in the back. She arches her scaly torso and I totally see purple sea nipple. She turns, pissed, and sees Ving Rhames, wearing a beige trench coat and holding a crossbow. That. Is. Badass! She swims away as the action music keeps playing. A.C. swims to the water's edge where Ving The Badass is standing. All of a sudden, he's naked again. Ving sorta tries to avert his eyes as Aquaman rubs the claw wound on his chest and drags his ass onto the rocks. "I hate those damn things," Ving growls. Rocks? I hate them, too! Let's break some rocks together, Ving Rhames! A.C. asks what she was. "Get your clothes on," Ving tells him. "We need to talk." A.C. pivots, and Ving is thinking, "Put away the schlong. Put it away NOW." Blackout. A nice shampoo commercial could be good here. Something herbal. Back to Sea Cock On A Rock. A.C. touches his chest wounds, which have already turned into puffy scars with no blood on them. Can he heal quickly? He puts on a muscle shirt. Ving is forced to deliver the lines, "Once a siren has you in her gaze, there's nothing a man can do." He up-talks the "do" nicely. "Siren. Of course," A.C. says and thinks Ving must see them all the time. Ving says that he's seen his fair share, but his aim's a bit rusty. "The only way to kill those scaly bitches is to nail them between the eyes," Ving suddenly says. Whoah! Holy shit! I (heart) Ving! A.C. seems surprised and shocked by the statement. Listen, A.C., I understand. You want to be a good dolphin-saving guy, not a cold-blooded killer of seabitches. Listen, A.C. That's just pride fucking with you. Fuck pride. Pride never helps. It only hurts. "Who are you?" A.C. asks. Ving says that he's an exile, just like A.C. and his mother. A.C.'s thinking, We're all from Cuba? A.C. asks from where. Ving says it's called different names by different cultures, but he probably knows it by its most popular...Atlantis. To his credit, Ving keeps a straight face here. I think it was very wise to cast a bad-ass to deliver such goofy lines. If anyone on the crew giggles, he'll just whip their ass and dump them in the ocean. A.C. does break and, laughing, asks Ving to say hi to Captain Nemo and The Little Mermaid the time he's in Atlantis. Kick his ass, Ving! Ving seems a little embarrassed. A.C. tells Ving to, "Lay off the booze, old man." Ouch! Respect your crossbow-wielding elders! As A.C. walks off, Ving calls out: "You can't run away from your true calling, Orrin!" His Tru Calling? They could use some Dushku over here. That, dramatically, stops A.C.
We cut to a later discussion, on the beach, as Ving swigs from a flask. Nice deflection of the alcoholism accusation there, Ving. A.C. asks if he's got it straight that his parents ruled Atlantis. Ving says that makes him a prince. A.C. is as impressed as I am that he can keep a straight face. A.C. asks if Atlantis has a retractable dome or if they swim around like in a fishbowl. "Don't...mock me," Ving says menacingly. He will END you! Worlds will shatter! Ving acknowledges the absurdity of the situation, but asks if that siren was a joke. A.C. asks why no sonar, sub, or deep-sea probe has ever run into Atlantis. Ving says it's cloaked in a shroud that no modern technology can penetrate. The Shroud of Tuna? Ving adds that it's the Bermuda Triangle. Ving hunkers down to explain more; Aquaman's dad was a man of peace while others wanted to wage war against the surface world. A.C. figures that they must have killed his father for resisting the war. "Now they want me dead, too," he surmises. Ving says that he got them out of Atlantis and brought them to the surface where they'd be safe and where they were discovered by a young Coast Guard Lieutenant. "My dad," A.C. says. "Then he knows?" Ving says that LouDi doesn't, and that his mother tried to keep it all a secret to protect him from his true destiny. And that would be...? "To defend this world you've embraced as your own and protect the ocean from which you were born." Ha! Ving, Ving, Ving. I am so sorry for that line, man. A.C. figured he has to fight sirens and Standard Oil. "Forget it," he says. Yeah, that sounds like a sucky show. He starts to walk off. Ving tells him he can't walk away from this: "It's in your bones -- and you know it." I hope it's not the bones that you sometimes get from a Long John Silvers fillet. I hate those. A.C. says he's just a dive shop owner and not the protector of the seven seas. "Destiny is like a riptide," Ving says. If you think it ages like wine, it don't. "You never know what's pulling you in, until it's too late." Uh...huh...right. And this show just got pulled off by the Undertoad. Close-up on A.C. looking conflicted. A book about sirens. Wow, they look like trouble. Boatgirl has already heard the whole story from A.C. and is trying to digest the bit about how he just fought an evil mermaid and is underwater royalty. I like that this show's not about the hero keeping a million secrets from everybody. It's refreshing. "In a clamshell, yes," A.C. says. Boatgirl jokes that they always look so friendly on the Starbucks cups. I thought I knew Starbucks, but I don't get that joke at all. A.C., wearing an orange muscle shirt, says he didn't believe it either until he was attacked and that the creature is coming back for him. Boatgirl suggests a road trip to the desert with a truckload of Evian. "Eva," he says. Boatgirl has a name? All right. You're "Eva" now. He says that he thinks it's the same creature that attacked his mom, and that he has to face her. Eva figures out that he's serious. He suggests that she close up shop and head out of town for a few days so she won't get caught up in this. "What about you?" Eva asks. A.C., walking away dramatically, says he's taking The Quint to Atlas Point where Ving has weapons. Eva sees clouds and says there's a storm coming anyway and that she'll go visit her sister in Tampa. A.C. apologizes for all the craziness, but Eva smiles, and says being friends with him has always required a leap of faith. She figures someday he'll be able to give her a cool title like, "Duches of the Deep." How about, "Pruned After the Pilot?" A.C. smiles brightly. Is it romance?
A rainy night where a broken fighter jet sits on some sort of base. In a building labeled, "INFIRMARY" our long-lost young soldier awakens with a start. He gets out of bed. Drinks from a glass of water. Appearing behind him is Crazy Siren Chick in human form. She's wearing a weird bikini made mostly of netting. Did the tuna boats almost catch you? She's all wet, too. And she got some makeup from Atlantis, apparently. She tells the dude that she doesn't know how he escaped from Atlantis, but she's glad he led her to Orrin. We don't see the action, but we hear her claws sink into the guy's stomach and then retract. He gasps. Craggy Chris Isaak and Aquachica are walking by the planes in the hangar just outside the infirmary. She's wearing her white uniform. She asks what's going on since she already went over what happened with her commanding officer. Craggy says that he ordered the mission and wanted to debrief her himself. Dude, join the club. She asks whom he works for. "Top dog," he says, "Commander in chief." Arf! He asks about the flash of light she saw before her crash. Aquachica says she was disoriented; she thinks it was a sunflare. He says that she doesn't need to placate him; he won't think she lost her mind. He says she flies over the Bermuda Triangle all the time. She tells him that's just a myth. The Triangle or the flying? He says he used to share that sentiment, and offers to show her what changed that. In a file room, Craggy is showing Aquachica a photo of a dead guy's chest and face. He says that the guy recently boarded an oil rig and tried to blow it up, but he was killed before he could do it. The man, Craggy says, disappeared from the coast of Bermuda in 1905. An older photo shows a well-to-do man on a yacht. Aquachica says that's impossible; it must have been a descendent or somebody who looked like him. Craggy says the fingerprints were a perfect match and then adds that this guy wasn't the first to come back. "From where?" she asks. He says that's what Project Nautilus aims to find out. Wow. Stellar name there. Sure you don't want to call it Project Fishsticks? He wants her to join them in unlocking the secrets of The Bermuda Triangle. on Discovery HD! She reminds Craggy that she's just a pilot. Like everything around her being filmed. He says she has more experience in this than any of them: she witnessed something extraordinary and lived to tell the tale. He doesn't think mechanical failure could have taken out a pilot of her caliber. It would take a network executive. Aquachica says that she wants to do her job, not chase windmills. In the ocean. It's a sorta metaphor, see.... He gets annoyed and says it's not a fool's crusade, it's a matter of national security. We don't want illegal fish aliens speaking their bubbly language taking all our lifeguard jobs! He turns on some lights to reveal a huge warehouse of boxes and says these are all photos of people who've disappeared in the Bermuda Triangle in an invisible war where Tempest Key is the fault line. Aquachica is freaked out. Craggy's cell phone rings. Silence. "I'll be right there," he says finally. Uh oh. He asks Aquachica to follow so she'll see how real all this is.
A soldier with a gun, Craggy Chris Isaak with a flashlight, and Aquachica with...uh...her curves, I guess, walk down a dark hallway. In the infirmary, there's blood all over the walls. The long-lost soldier is face-down on the bed with claw marks and blood all over him. Craggy picks up the seahorse necklace. The siren didn't take it with her? Serious glances between Craggy and Aquachica, but nothing else to see here. We cut to "Old Man and the Sea," the sign above what's presumably A.C. and Eva's bar. "Old Man and the Sea"? Really? Well, where's the old man, then? A.C. and Eva are battening down the hatches or at least the tarps as the rain comes down. A.C. warns Eva that she needs to hit the road or she'll never make it past the storm. She plans to leave after they lock down so half the restaurant isn't underwater when she gets back. There's a restaurant? After putting a single chair up, she suggests that when she gets back they visit the bank to request a loan to upgrade A.C.'s boat. Wow, that's awfully nice of...oh, the lights just went out. Any kind of electricity in a place where water just pours in would make me a little nervous. She says the power lines must have blown over. Aquaman thinks it's the circuit breaker -- he can see lights on at Happy Jacks door. I hope that's not a strip club. In the circuit breaker room, A.C. tries to get his fishy electrical skills on. He jokes, "Would it kill you to hold the flashlight steady?" Apparently, it would. The flashlight drops and Eva's got claws stuck through her torso. Oops! "Awww," says Crazy Siren Girl, standing behind Eva in her net outfit. Her scaly, mer-arm morphs back to human shape. "You couldn't hide forever, Orrin," she tells him. A.C. stands up and gets slapped against the wall. She bends down and pulls off his necklace as he lies unconscious. That's all she wants? She didn't bother to get the necklace from the other Atlantis refugee. Pretend commercial break. Ooh, boy, I love Wendy's! It's the Perfect-for-TV Storm! The tiny Quint is on a three-hour tour (a three-hour tour) across the rough seas. It's raining and there are massive waves. Inside the cabin, A.C. is tied up and rolling around the floor. To add insult to life-threatening injury, a framed photo of him and Eva is lying on the floor to him. Yes, we get it. They're buds and she just got some claws through the stomach. She's dead, right? No way she could have survived that. A.C. says, "Eva." "Sorry about your friend!" Ving bellows. He's tied up and rolling on the same floor. "But I'm more concerned about your life now!" he continues.
The boat rises and sinks on the stormy sea. I wish I knew a shanty. Oh, here's one: "Blow, blow, blow the man down!" Wait, that's Smallville: The Early Years. Sorry. The boat is being pulled along by ropes held by the evil siren. We glance underwater and see her strong tail propelling things along. That mermaid's got back! In the cabin, bottles are breaking. A.C. manages to sit up. "Where is she taking us?" he asks. "Home. To Atlantis." Ving says. "To be executed." Wanna use some inflection anywhere there? No? Cool. You're the man. Moving on.... A.C. asks why she hasn't gutted them yet. Ving says that he's a symbol of hope. Or he would have been on a new, merged network. Oh well. Ving says that if A.C. is killed, that hope dies, too. A.C. says that he'll need water. "My flask. It's in my boot!" Ving tells him. Thank God it's not in his pants, because...awkward! A.C. manages to grab hold of it. "Smash it!" Ving yells. A.C. does. He grabs a shard of glass. Would every episode consist of a moment where Ving and A.C. had to struggle to get a glass of water? Because that could be unintentionally hilarious. Outside, the siren with the gnarly teeth is still swimming. Her seahorse necklace glows. A giant light opens up from the water in the distance, straight up to the sky. A.C., who I guess cut himself free with the shard of glass, dumps a pitcher of water on his own head. He's wet and ready, bro! With two grunts, A.C. pulls the ropes off Ving. A.C. asks how they'll take her down. "We're not doing anything," Ving tells him and says Aquaman should get off the boat. Hilariously, Ving cups water into his hands and sips at it. Gots to have my water, man! A.C. wants revenge for his mother. Ving says he promised A.C.'s father on his dying breath that he'd protect the kid and he isn't going to break that promise now. "Do you have any weapons?" Ving asks. Charm? Rakish good looks? A thirteen-episode deal? No? None of that? "Naughty-a!" Ving calls out into the sea. The sea serpent, who was doing a pretty good job navigating, thanks very much, turns with her creepy teeth and goes, "Heeeeeeeeeesh!" Wow, her name just made me think of a Timbaland and Magoo song. Fishy homegirl leaps from the water like CGI Spider-Man, does a backflip and, with the beam of light from the sea in the background, loses her seatail and gains human ones before landing on the deck of the ship. Now that's committing to a jump. The camera pans up the sea wench's body and her skin magically morphs from dead purple to bodacious fleshtones and fishnet. She's pissed! To prove it, she opens the cabin door dramatically and stands in the doorway as the camera tilts at a forty-five-degree angle to accentuate the ship (which, if it were Arrested Development, would be called "The C-Word."). Ving is right there with the crossbow and fires. Sea Serpent Siren grabs the arrow in midair right before it was to hit her in the forehead. "Your aim's gotten better," she snarks. She pulls the arrow -- which somehow pulls Ving with it -- dumps him on the floor and chunks the arrow right into his leg. "OHHH!" goes Ving. "Where's Orrin?" she screams. "Rot in Hell, you scaly bitch!" Ving yells. Love, love, LOVE! Siren pulls out the fork-shaped arrow and stabs Ving again. She asks where Orrin went again. Call her a scaly bitch one more time, Ving! Do it!
On the back of the ship, a something hilarious happens. Aquaman dives straight up from the water, his arms up, and hops onto the boat while the lightning flashes and the waves crash behind him in slow motion. It's totally a Michael Jordan moment, but much sillier. "I'm right here!" he yells, shirtless. Siren goes for him and they get into a fistfight. Remember, she's a scaly bitch. It's all right that he punches her in the flat abs. She gets knocked through a door and lands flat on the deck. Why isn't she turning back into her monster form? I guess this is kinda hotter. She bares her pointy teeth and roundhouse kicks Aquaman. Maybe she's a dope fiend. Everybody knows fish are crazy for cocaine. He falls and the siren mounts him, showing her bad teeth and extra eye makeup. "Your mother can't protect you this time!" she says. "What did you do to her?" A.C. asks. She says he'll find out. Ving, back in the cabin, pulls the arrow out of his bloody leg. "You're coming home, Orrin!" Crazy Siren says, back in the rear of the ship (often referred to as the "Aftass" of the ship). A.C. kicks her against a wall just as Ving appears, yelling, "Orrin!" Stand aside, Butch. He throws our hero an arrow and A.C. jams it right the fuck in the siren's head. She goes, "MEOOOOWWW!" as light pours out of her head. "Not today!" A.C. yells. Damn, they got medieval on her ass. She melts into fragments of light like a vampire at dawn. She explodes slightly, leaving only a necklace on a puddle of the deck. The big pool of light in the ocean disappears in one whooshing flash. It's still raining. A.C. stands, holding the necklace. Ving limps over. Wanna help me over here, fishboy? He's pretty fuckin' far from okay. "Well done, Orrin," Ving says, "your father would have been proud." The two of them watch the suddenly calm, suddenly stormless ocean as the camera pulls back along the boat. Tempest Key Hospital, nighttime. Eva, who is miraculously still alive, is lying in a hospital bed. Three hospital patients in one episode? Yeah, I'm suddenly glad I don't have more episodes of this shit to recap. Standing outside the room, A.C. says he's sorry. In the giant Bermuda Triangle file warehouse (this can't all be digitized?), Craggy Chris Isaak opens up a file. It's a pretty hot singer who looks just like Aquachica standing in front of a microphone with a sign behind her that reads, "Farewell 1936 -- Club Havana." Rucy Ricardo! Craggy stares at the photo. Hey, get a room. "How much do you remember, Lt. Torres?" we hear him say, in flashback voiceover.
Cut to a jet flying over the Bermuda Triangle. Aquachica flies over the water as a shape cuts through the water. Wait, is this a flashback, too? Is this happening now? I'm disoriented! And seasick! Aquaman stands on some rocks by the lighthouse wearing orange shorts and a green muscle shirt. Sexy percussive music plays as we switch to a shot of A.C. with the giant phallic lighthouse looming behind him. Don't bend over, Aquaman. Ving walks up, seemingly without his recent limp. "You know that siren was just the beginning. There are creatures in the deep you couldn't imagine in your worst nightmares." Ha ha. Sorry again, Ving. A.C. looks at him as if reading my mind about the dialogue and says, "Well, that's reassuring." Ving says he's not here to make A.C. feel good (awww...) but to prepare him for the worst. Ving's prepared to scour the earth for those scaly motherfuckers. If mermen go to Indochina, he wants Aquaman hidin' in a bowl of rice ready to pop a cap in their ass. Ving says A.C.'s training should have started years ago. "Then let's do it," A.C. says, suddenly serious. "Let's start now." Ving, with his badass totally hetero earring, hands A.C. a wrapped present. "A birthday gift," he says. It's wrapped in cheesy nautical map paper. "Kinda feels like a book," A.C. says. "Not really much of a reader." Ving, amused, tells him to open it. He shakes his head ruefully. A.C. opens it and it's Henry IV. "Parts I and II," A.C. says, adding that he didn't know Shakespeare was into sequels. Ving expects him to read them by the following week. A.C. says that he gave up book reports years ago. "This is part of your training," Ving threatens. Dude, I'd read it. Don't make him work on you with a pair of pliers and a blowtorch. A.C. says he thought training meant wielding tridents and doing cool shit in the water. "All in due time," says a smiling Ving. He assures A.C. that the book has lots of sex and violence to keep him interested, which is always how grownups try to make Shakespeare appeal to teenagers. But, really, it's still fucking Shakespeare and he was never able to work the words "Dirty Sanchez" into iambic pentameter. A.C. asks if Ving can't just tell him the ending. "The lesson isn't in the ending," Ving says, going all Hallmark Channel on us. "It's in the journey." To syndication! We wish! Rock music plays as Ving walks back toward the lighthouse. A.C. stands there, looking pretty, as he holds the book and seagulls fly around. The camera pulls back over the ocean and away, then goes to black. Oh, Al and Miles. Your fish tale wasn't so bad, after all.
That's it, folks. Please exit on the starboard side lest you fall off the recap ship and scrape your ass on some barnacles. Until time! Avast ye!