While in Metropolis to help Chloe cover a trial for The Daily Planet (wait...what!?), Clark saves a guy from being run over by a truck. Then the grateful guy Clark saved just goes and kills a key witness in the trial. Because he's an assassin. One who can turn invisible, the better to sneak up on your ass. Whoops, Clark. The Hustlin' Hitman sends Clark a plasma TV and videogame system as thanks, but Clark, asshat that he is, gets all suspicious and starts thinking Lex or Papa Luthor must be nefariously sending him generous gifts. He sends the items back to the store, a decision I will never forgive of him. On his quest to expose Lex, Clark catches Lana and Lex playing uvula piñata and goes into a super shame spiral. After turning down wine, loose women and song in Metropolis, Clark forces Hustlin' Hitman to improvise and try to do him a real favor: kill Lex so that Lana will go back to Clark. Lex survives a lame choking attempt and ends up shooting the dude in the hospital when the guy returns to finish the job. Clark stops a bullet from the dying Hustlin' Hitman's gun, but Lana thinks Lex is the hero. Wait, you mean he's not? In the middle of all this, Lois Lane starts to date said hitman and gets advice from MamaKent on her love life, but the real news is that she held out this long before appearing naked for a shower scene. Our hero!
This episode is called "Fade," which is just what I'm about to do after twenty recaps this season. Yikes. Does it get any easier after five seasons?
The streets of Vancouhooooeerr...I mean Metropolis. There's a News 11 van and lots of reporters standing around waiting for news to happen. Sirens blare to announce that some sort of motorcade is coming. The reporters crowd around in their heavy not-at-all-Kansas coats and watch, as the police escort a little nebbishy guy wearing glasses out of an SUV. He's also wearing a bulletproof vest. He's 50 Cent's accountant. Photographers snap shots, as reporters shout out questions. Nebbishy Witness is escorted inside a courthouse by police officers. As the scene plays out, a guy in a suit jacket and casual shirt with wavy hair stands off to the side and watches. He walks closer toward the mob scene. He doesn't look like he's doing this for fun.
Down the street, Chloe is telling Clark to pick up the pace. She asks him to do something between a brisk walk and super-speed. Chloe says that the testimony is supposed to begin in fifteen minutes. Clark says that he doesn't mind being Chloe's "Boy Friday" (is that like "Boy George"?), but he wonders why she needs an escort. Maybe to defend her from comments about her ugly plaid trench coat. Chloe tells Clark that she doesn't need an escort, but that she was hoping a trip to the courthouse would reignite Clark's interest in journalism. Clark, who is handed a press-pass by Chloe, says that his ace reporter days ended at The Torch. When does Chloe go to college? Chloe tells Clark to just consider it a "get off the farm" pass. Chloe says that she knows he's had the year from hell, but he shouldn't hole himself up with the cows. That was Bo's life. Clark whines that he's not holed up. He's been cornholed up, sure, but that was a different era. Clark complains that ever since he found out that Papa Luthor knows his secret, he's been waiting for a bomb to go off. Clark fiddles with his press-pass, but before he can do any damage to it, Chloe takes it and pins it to his Members Only jacket.
Wavy-haired young guy walks.
Chloe is telling Clark that Papa Luthor may never light the fuse of his discovery. Clark doesn't think that'll happen. Just then, Chloe and Clark both notice a red van passing by very quickly. Wavy-haired guy stops like a deer in the headlights, as the vehicle is about to plow into him. The whole world freezes, and Clark super-hops over some cars and gets in front of the van. He pulls Wavy Dude out of the way. "You...you saved my life!" the guy tells Clark. He notices "Clark Kent -- Daily Planet" on the press-pass. Dude says that he doesn't know how to thank Clark. How about a kiss? Clark says that he did what anyone else with magic leaping abilities would have done . Wavy Guy tells Clark he has to go, but thanks him again. He's in a rush to get somewhere. Chloe catches up with Clark and says, with admiration, that he couldn't have done that on the farm. She tells Clark it was nice work.
Inside the courthouse, 50 Cent's lawyer is led to what looks like an interrogation room. It's got blue walls and a desk in the middle. A cop tells his walkie-talkie that the holding room checks out and that the witness has arrived safely. The cop tells the witness that there's only one way into the room and it's guarded. He tells the guy to get his stuff on. Ooh, is it a clown suit? The cops take his bulletproof vest, and the witness puts on his tie. We hear a scary noise as Wavy Dude suddenly appears, asking whether Nebbishy Witness needs a hand. Wavy Dude chokes the dude, then cracks his neck. No more witness. Sorry, Fiddy. You gotta go to jail. Wavy leaves the guy on the floor with his glasses akimbo, his necktie near his body, and his face dead. A buzzer is heard. The cops enter the room and find the witness on the floor. Oops. You guys suck. We see a Wavy point of view in some highly saturated film stock. Wavy is watching, as the cops freak out. He exits the room. The camera view goes back to normal when Wavy is outside the room with other passersby. Where did all these people suddenly come from? Nobody's suspicious of any of them. A cop calls for an ambulance. Wavy must have been invisible. And he's sneaky. He's Invisalyin'.
Credits. Commercials. Poseidon. It's Titanic if you 86 the love story.
Kent Home. Suddenly, the place sounds like my house. Some loud videogame is on and there's a fifty-inch flat-screen TV in the living room, as Clark and MamaKent arrive. They see Lois Lane sitting and playing what might be Dynasty Warriors and yelling stuff to herself like, "Die Samurai, die! Wanna piece of this?" Lois would be incredibly perfect on Xbox Live. She's tearing the hell out of her wireless Nyko controller and telling "General" that she's got him. Clark interrupts Lois, and the screen tells her, "Defeat." If only life could give her as clear a signal. Lois tells Clark that he killed her. If only. MamaKent asks where this evil, devil stuff came from. The Kents' sad little twelve-inch TV sits in a corner holding its itty bitty TV penis. Lois says there's a card somewhere that came with the new items. She says that Christmas came early "in high-def surround sound, no less." I'm not even going to say anything. Let her have her fun. Lois says delivery guys were unloading these things when she got there. "Did you win a raffle or something, Smallville?" she asks Clark. Clark doesn't think so. Lois finds the card. It reads, "Clark." Lois says that she's going to get to work. The political system is no longer safe. Inside the card, it says, "Enjoy!" Clark says that he doesn't need a signature to know it's from Papa Luthor. I really don't think he puts circles on his exclamation points, Clark. Maybe little skulls.... Clark says that he warned Papa to stay out of their lives and this is his way of buying himself back in. In that case, he got himself a bargain. MamaKent doesn't think he'd do that, but she goes to call and check. Clark stares at the TV. You know you want it, Clark. TNT high-def reruns of Dukes Of Hazzard? Whaddaya say?
Daily Planet, daytime. Clark walks past worker bees and ringing telephones, until Chloe jams a front page in his face. She asks whether he remembers that trial that was postponed due to unforeseen circumstances. It didn't just happen? Chloe tells Clark that the key witness was murdered in the basement of the courthouse. "In the basement?" Clark asks. It's below the building. Nice job with your super-hearing there, Clark. Was Survivor on in your head? Chloe says the prosecution in this vague case no longer has a case and that it's gone from legal to lethal. Too bad they didn't let you write the headline, Chloe.
Clark asks whether this is a bad time to ask for a favor. Never mind that whole murder thing. Chloe says that Clark has saved her butt so many times he can pull a coin out of the favor bank any time. Wow, lots of metaphors to muck through there. Clark says somebody sent him a plasma with all the bells and whistles. They come with bells and whistles? They keep referring to the TV set as a "plasma" in this show, but I have to tell you -- plasma is about the worst kind of TV you can buy. A lot of them aren't true HD, they burn pixels out over time, and you can get a good LCD or DLP set now for about the same price...and with a better-quality picture. So screw "plasma," all right? As they say in the biz, it was purely a transitional technology. It's probably good that, as we're about to learn, he sent it back. Chloe says that getting a free TV isn't a problem, it's winning the trifecta. Chloe asks when they're having movie night. "Never," Clark says. Heartbreak. No Adventures Of Priscilla, Queen Of The Desert? Clark says smugly, "I sent it all back." "No you didn't!" Chloe whines. It's cute. Clark mopes that he's not accepting a gift from someone he doesn't know. It could have cooties. Let the record show that I have an Amazon wishlist and I don't share Clark's philosophy. Send away, anonymous gift buyers. Clark says he called Metro Plasma (the blood bank?) and they won't give him any information. "A TV? We don't sell TVs here, kid. We take blood. What? What do you mean you can't donate? Break our needles? Listen, kid, we're really busy here and you sound like an asshat. Enjoy your big-screen TV while we try to save some lives over here. Jackass." Clark asks Chloe whether she can dig into their sales records. Oh, sure, that's not incredibly illegal, Clark, whatever you say! Information is power! And power on this show is scary. Chloe -- who, in about two seconds, was able to log into the very un-public sales database -- says that Clark's donor remains anonymous. He paid in cash. Chloe asks whether it might be Luthor Jr. instead of Papa. "Lex? Why would he send me a home theater system?" Clark asks. Porn, farmboy. Sweet gay Army porn. ("You're mine, boy." (Smack!) "D'oooohhhh!") Chloe thinks Lex might be feeling guilty. "Guilty about what?" Clark asks. Chloe awkwardly sidesteps that, and says that, in general, Lex hasn't been the best friend lately. I'd say Clark is the one with friendship issues. Chloe says that Lex has also been known to try to win over Clark with expensive toys. Yes. I seem to remember something about that. Clark remembers that Lex said they should look for some common ground. Chloe blinks. Clark wanders off, saying that he's going to go talk to Lex. Nice non-farewell to Chloe there, Clark. I guess the whole world is Kryptonite for your manners.
Lois at the Kent home. She's wearing a sports bra and doing sit-ups while talking to a state senator on a little Bluetooth headset. The fact that Lois can do sit-ups at all under all that weight is an act of superhero strength rarely seen on this show. Lois is telling the senator on the other end that a no vote on MamaKent's education bill means he doesn't like kids, and that textbooks will be ripped out of their sticky little hands. "Grunt! Grunt!" I don't even want to think about whether Lois also makes calls from the bathroom. Oh, shit, I just did. We go into Invisalyin'-Vision, as he stealthily ogles Lois's giant lobbying tactics. Lois, on her blue yoga mat, congratulates herself for being a not-at-all-annoying agent for change. As Lois finishes her last sit-up, scary music plays, and she sees Invisalyin' hovering over her. Don't step on her chest, dude. She'll seriously fly around the room like a popped balloon. Lois stands up quickly, and does a "Stop! In The Name Of Love" pose. She warns him that she's a third-degree black belt. She's ninth-degree annoying, too. Lois says that she can't be held liable for funeral costs. Invisalyin', wearing a smart black ensemble, asks her to go easy; he's a friend of Clark's. "You his girlfriend?" he asks. Lois scoffs. "Not in this lifetime," she responds. Lois drops her guard and introduces herself. Invisalyin' cautiously steps forward and shakes her hand, telling her his name is "Graham." "So...where's the plasma?" he asks. In Lois's chest? Ding ding ding! I won my "Breast Week Ever" Frequent Mammary Ribbing card! I'd like to thank my laptop, Al and Miles and Erica for putting them out there every week, and, of course, Lois's chest, for taking up so much space on my TiVo. Wow, this card entitles me to a free Netflix rental of House Of The Dead. Lois takes off her earpiece, and surmises that Invisalyin's the one who sent all the "high-tech booty." No, that would have been Lex. Sadly. Lois says she wanted to keep the TV, but that Clark took everything back. Invisalyin' says that's odd. Lois explains that odd is Clark. She asks why he's playing Daddy Warbucks, and says that friends don't give friends $20,000 toys. That TV was $3,000, tops. And did I give you my rant about plasmas? "In my world, they do," says Invisalyin'. Lois says that Clark should be back soon. Lois flirtingly says he can stick around and wait. Intrigued, Invisalyin' says he will.
House of the Lex. Wearing a very conservative business suit and white shirt, Lex retires to his den. He notices a shopping bag on his piano to a very nice set of flowers. It gives the man pause. He looks up toward the library and sees Lana, wearing a tight, sleeveless gray top, leaning over the railing. "I see you stepped up your security," she says. I hope that was a joke. Lana says that she had to make a good case before they let her in. "You're not an easy person to say no to," Lex tells her. Lana comes to Lex. She says that she couldn't wait any longer, and that she's been sitting by the phone. Long pause. Lana breaks the silence and asks Lex what he found out in D.C. Lex says that he got a lot of run-around from the government about whether Professor SoFine actually exists. Lana suggests that SoFine's covert work is more covert than even the government would know about. Lex is starting to doubt SoFine is whom he says he is. Lana asks whether Lex thinks his government documents are forged. Lex says he had them authenticated, but that doesn't mean anything. So why do it? Lex is confident they can find out who SoFine really is. Long looks. Lex chuckles. He says he was gone a week, but felt homesick. Lana asks what's so special about Smallville. Exactly. "Oh, I don't know," Lex says, "the cows?" That's Bo's M.O. Step off. Lex goes on about cornfields and wide-open spaces. Lana smiles. "I missed you, too," she whispers. "You have no idea," Lex tells her. I really thought they retired that line after it was in a Disney cartoon. Lex takes Lana's hand. They kiss. It's actually kind of hot. Much hotter than any of Clark and Lana's kisses were, I'll tell you. Why is the fireplace always on? Lana wraps her arms around Lex's neck and they go at it, full force. Clark, who also got past security easily, watches from the doorway. Then he walks off, full of bile and self-pity. In the hallway, Clark looks agonized. Should he pleasure himself or not? It's all so confusing! He breathes heavily and looks around for his mark. It's off-screen, so he goes to it. We go to commercials.
An American Haunting is a lot like a Canadian haunting, but the ghosts eat a lot more McDonald's and don't have universal health care.
Clark is at the Daily Planet. As he walks in, Chloe asks Clark, 'Riddle me this.' I wish I was watching a Batman cartoon starring The Riddler. She asks how someone can get into a sealed room to kill someone completely undetected. Have you questioned Inch High Private Eye? He is, as I understand it, very very tiny. "You knew, didn't you?" Clark asks. Chloe knew the murderer? She knew Inch High? Chloe, puzzled, says, "No, that's why it's a riddle." Clark is annoyed that Chloe knew about Lana and Lex, but avoided the subject whenever he asked how Lana was doing. Chloe says that she's sorry, even though she really has no reason to be. "You're supposed to be my friend!" Clark whines. Chloe says that she's Lana's friend, too. And her roommate. Chloe says that Lana asked her to keep it a secret. Actually, she mostly just bitched Chloe out. Chloe says that, of all people, Clark should understand the secrecy thing. Clark becomes Super-asshat in one leap of a single sentence: "You know how dangerous Lex is. Any friend of Lana's would never let her get involved with him!" Chloe says she wasn't thrilled about the deal, either, but that Lana's a big girl. Clark tries to walk out on the conversation. Why not super-zip out? Clark hisses that Lana has no idea what she's getting herself into. Yeah, dating your dumb ass wasn't much better. Chloe reminds Clark that he broke up with Lana, and that means she can date whomever she likes, "with or without your written permission." Huh? Clark says he knows. But Clark knowing something is like me leaving a tiny pin on a very messy desk. Clark says that he won't stand by and watch Lana get hurt. Chloe is charitable not to call Clark on his bullshit. She does tell him that he doesn't have a choice. Clark's face goes, "Oh, shit."
Kent Farm, daytime. Clark is holed up in his loft again. He's staring at a framed photo of Lana. Wow, Clark has a pretty full bookshelf. Does he use them for hammering nails? Clark puts the photo face-down on his little coffee table, and then shoves it off, making it sail away and break. Clark is totally in a funk. "Let me guess," says a voice in the room without Clark having detected movement with his super-hearing. Invisalyin', doing a bad Christian Slater squint, picks up the broken picture frame and says, "Bad breakup?" For us? Not really. Invisalyin' says he's had a few of those. Clark recognizes him as the guy from the courthouse. "You're a tough man to please!" Invisalyin' says. You gotta hit the taint first, buddy. He asks about the TV. "You sent that!" Clark surmises. Brilliant, Clark. Invisalyin' says Clark saved his life and that it was the least he could do. Clark asks how Invisalyin' found him. He says that Clark's press-pass gave him a name and being familiar with the area led him to the Kent farm. Invisalyin' says that he drove through town the year before on business. "If the big screen's not your thing, what is?" Invisalyin' asks. Do you know George Clooney? Clark tells him that his "thank you" is fine, and that he doesn't need to be repaid. Now, if he were bald and sexy, this conversation might be a lot different. Invisalyin' says that he doesn't like to be in debt and now he owes Clark his life. He offers to buy Clark dinner in Metropolis and take him out on the town. Can we go see Hairspray, too? Clark says that he's fine. "You're hanging out in a barn. Alone. In the middle of nowhere. That doesn't seem too okay to me," Invisalyin' says. He has a point. Clark is won over. He smiles goofily.
Metropolis is bumpin'! We can tell, because party music is playing as we look down at the city. In a ritzy apartment, party people are getting their party on. Clark, in his adult-wear (suit coat and light blue shirt), doesn't even look that out of place. At least until he tries to mingle among the hot and rich. Invisalyin' finds Clark and welcomes him, glad that he "flew the coop." Clark says that he thought they were going out for dinner. You know, a nice soup at Mendy's or something. What's with the party? Invisalyin' says he made a killing the other day with Clark's help. Ha ha ha d'oh. Invisalyin' asks whether Clark wants a mojito. A little brown person? No thanks, says Clark. Clark asks what Invisalyin' does. "I'm a headhunter," he says. He tells Clark that he travels the world hunting down people for jobs. He wants to introduce his date. He touches a woman in a red dress on the shoulder and, OH GOD, MY EYE! Be careful with those things, Lois! Jeez! Now I've got nipple burn! What are those things made of, sandpaper? Man. Lois and Clark are surprised to see each other, even though Lois and Invisalyin' really shouldn't think it's weird at all. Invisalyin' says he couldn't disappear without seeing the girl he met at Clark's house that morning. Clark asks Lois whether he can talk to her for a moment. Invisalyin' excuses himself so they can make badly written banter at each other. At the same time, they both yell, "What are you doing here?" Lois says that she likes this guy, and asks Clark to pretend for once that he doesn't know her. How about we all, as a viewing public, do that? Clark tries to say something, but Lois goes, "No! Grr!" and walks away. I don't think I have to remind you, but that's who Lois Lane is going to be. I know. I'm depressed, too. I don't really know much about Kate Bosworth, but I bet I'll like her better. Invisalyin' returns and puts an arm on Clark, telling him he has to check out the awesome view from the balcony. Clark says he's not crazy about heights. Invisalyin' says it's worth it. Clark, dumb, goes.
On the roof. There are some lights strung along the edges of the rooftop. It looks very nice. Clark tries not to get too close to the edge. "Beautiful night, huh?" says a woman who walks up to Clark. Clark agrees. The woman's wearing a tight black dress. She looks a bit older, but is good-looking in a wholesome yet prostitutey way. "I'm Gia," she says. Of course you are. Clark shakes hands. Gia says she knows who he is, and adds that a good-looking guy like him must have a girlfriend. Or, you know, a person. Clark gets very nervous. "I...don't," he says. Gia asks whether Clark wants to take the conversation somewhere else, like, say, the bedroom, which has an even better view. (Of her vagina.) She kisses Clark. He likey. Clark giggles. "I don't even know you," he says. "That's okay," she says in a voice several registers lower than any male actor on the show. Apparently, Invisalyin' told her that Clark is shy. Clark suddenly wants to back out. "He wants you to have a good time," she says. Clark's expression changes in degrees of about ten for several seconds while he figures out that she's a hoo-ooaar. Clark says there's a misunderstanding. Gia tries to get him past that, but Clark walks past her. So much for that view of the vagine.
Inside. Clark snaps at Invisalyin' that they're now even. But did you at least get the blowjob? The blowjob was the real gift. It was that or a gift card for Target. Invisalyin' apologizes and says he thought Gia was what the doctor ordered (Doctor Vagine, OB/GYN), but he was wrong. He admires Clark's deepness. "You must have really loved your ex," he says. Well, the producers do, see. Invisalyin' suggests that they get the two of them back together. Clark says that it's a little late for that. "It's never too late," Invisalyin' says. Clark says that she's with somebody else now. Invisalyin' says that makes it harder, but not impossible: "Who's the lucky bastard?" Clark says, "Someone I used to call my friend." Invisalyin', personally offended, says that's not just crossing the line; it's plain wrong. "If you knew Lex Luthor you wouldn't be surprised," Clark says. Invisalyin' says she may be with the billionaire now, but he thinks things will have a way of working out. Wink wink, Clark. Clark sort of believes that. Invisalyin' says he's always right. Wink, wink! He watches as Clark goes. He fights the urge to yell, "Wink, wink, Clark!"
Stately Luthor Manor at night. Lex is walking down the hallway, talking on his cell to Professor SoFine. Lex tells him that some viruses are being genetically spliced as they speak. Soon, they will create the greatest tomato the world has ever seen! Bwah ha ha ha ha! Imagine the salads! Lex hangs up. He hesitates. We see him from behind, as Invisalyin' watches in a highly saturated point-of-view shot. Lex notices that a tapestry on the wall is moving. He thinks that's weird. Invisalyin' watches. Lex thinks something's wrong. And then it happens! Invisalyin' chokes Lex with a plain piece of rope. Wow. That's pretty low-rent, Mr. Greatest Assassin in the World. Lex struggles. He pushes Invisalyin' back into some priceless art. The assassin is still holding the rope. They struggle some more, into Lex's office. Lex is losing strength. They collapse to the ground. Lana walks in. "Lex!" she calls. It looks like she sees Invisalyin', but then she looks again and he's gone. Lex falls to the floor, not-quite-dead. That was edited in a clever way not to let us know what the fuck is going on. Nice. Lana calls for an ambulance as two pokey security agents run in. The game must have been on. Not the sports event. The Game with Michael Douglas. Lana tells Lex things will be fine. Except for all that neck pain.
Commercials. Mission Impossible: III. Tom Cruise makes me so sad I don't even have a joke for it.
Smallville Medical Center. I think, when they are dying, that I want my recaps to be treated here. Clark gets off an elevator. I have no idea why he's here. Oh, yeah. To spy on Lana. He looks into a room with the blinds open and sees Lex lying in bed. Lana is there, holding his hand. Lex is unconscious. Lana notices Clark. She pulls her hand away, and comes outside to talk to the big, dumb alien. Clark says that Chloe told him what happened. "How's he doing?" Clark says, making it sound like he's genuinely concerned. He got the shit choked out of him, Clark, how do you think he's doing? Lana says it's lucky Lex's trachea didn't collapse. Years of exercise. Lana says that Lex is sedated. Clark asks where Papa Luthor is. Lana says that he's flying back from Singapore. Clark tells Lana that she's a good friend for staying here like this. Unlike Clark. Lana takes a long time to say that someone should be with Lex when he wakes up. Dickishly, Clark says, "Yeah. Of course." Clark asks whether the police know who did the choking. Lana says she gave the police a full description. Ah, so she did see the dude. The editing was a bit unclear on that. Clark asks whether Lana was there when it happened. She lies, and says that she was returning some books when she walked in and saw what was happening. "Um...what did the guy look like?" Clark asks. Did he have big chokey hands? Lana says that he had dark hair and dark eyes and had a black trenchcoat. Wow, that's amazingly helpful. The police must have about 100,000 people in custody. Lana says the dude seemed to vanish.
The Talon. Lois is pouring about a gallon of sugar into her cup of coffee. She turns and there's Invisalyin'. "Quite a sweet tooth you got there," he says. Lois says that her dentist would agree. Invisalyin', wearing a black trenchcoat, says that he was on his way out of town, but couldn't get the girl with the smile and cavities out of his mind. Lois blames her blushing on sunburn. Invisalyin' says that if she's not too busy with the aloe vera, she can go with him to see Coldplay. She asks whether they're playing in Metropolis. He says he chartered a plane to Chicago, and that they can have dinner on the plane: "You like Italian?" You know if you go you have to sleep with him, right Lois? It's like in the rulebook for millionaires. Lois says that he doesn't have to play the rich card to impress her. He says that it's not a card; he works for companies that take very good care of him. Lois wonders whether she should get a job in the headhunter business. He says it can get a little cutthroat. Oh, hardy fucking har. Lois says that she'd love to jetset, but she's just as happy going to Joe's for some "foggybottom burgers." What the fuck is that? She wants to go to Washington instead? Invisalyin' touches Lois's hair, and says they can have the burgers on the plane. He says that he'll pick her up at 6. She says she'll be wearing her glass slippers. But can glass withstand the sound of Lois's voice?
An evil-looking Metropolis high-rise. Clark makes himself at home, walking right in to Invisalyin's swanky apartment. Everything looks so pricey. "Afraid the party's over," Invisalyin' says, as he emerges from a room. He's fully clothed, to Clark's disappointment. Invisalyin' says that Clark knows Lois -- is she a flowers or a candy girl? I think she'd like a book of coarse and dirty jokes. "You tried to kill Lex," Clark says. J'accuse! Invisalyin' scoffs: "Me? Why would I do that?" Clark says, self-righteously, "You had some sick idea you'd be doing me a favor." Invisalyin' says that it would be helpful to Clark for freeing Lana up for future dating. Clark lunges forward, but not at super-speed, to take Invisalyin' to the police. Invisalyin' grabs a clunky lamp and swings it at Clark. Clark raises a forearm, and the lamp shatters into dozens of CGI pieces. Clark hates modern design! Invisalyin' holds the broken stem of the lamp and stares at Clark. Awkward! Invisalyin' says that he's not the only one with a little secret. He suddenly becomes sorta-invisible. You can still see his clear outline. He's part Predator! Invisalyin' walks about one foot to the right, and suddenly Clark completely loses track of him. Oh, balls. That's just dumb, Clark. I would expect no less. Your idiocy is, to my tongue, delicious. We feast tonight!
At the Daily Planet. Chloe, wearing a castoff blouse from the Dynasty era, says that if Clark's "meteor-challenged friend" went after Lex so easily, he's probably killed before. She thinks he might even be "The Chameleon." If he did this in a past life, he might even be a Karma Chameleon! Chloe explains that "The Chameleon" is a killer-for-hire who is "Number 8" on the FBI's "Top 40 List" and climbing the charts. He's also a suspect in the courthouse murder. Clark starts blaming himself because it happened right after he saved Invisalyin's life. Chloe says that the killer gets into highly secure locations and leaves no images or prints. Clark says that a meteor power would explain a lot. Doesn't it always? Clark says that Invisalyin' once drove through town. Chloe looks up chameleon powers on her newly digital "Wall Of Weird." Go database! Chloe looks up Invisalyin's name and says that he's totally off the grid. That's off the hook! And off the chain! And off the ball on the chain hanging from the hook! Clark blames himself for saving the dude's life. Poor you, Clark. Clark wants to stop the guy. Chloe says that being invisible makes it easier to not be found. Thanks for that, Chloe. Clark boasts that he's not the typical law-enforcement agency. Chloe warns him not to get cocky (don't worry; it's just Chloe in the room). We switch to Invisalyin'-View. He's in the room, watching, invisibly. Chloe says that Invisalyin' knows about Clark's powers, he may also figure out Clark's weakness. "How would he know about the meteor rocks?" Clark says, stupidly. Boy, what a scoop! Stop the invisible presses! Chloe warns that he's the ultimate fly on the wall and that he's buzzing to The Talon to go pick up Lois later. Chloe calls Lois to warn her. Clark zips off. Invisalyin' suddenly appears off to the side. He sees you!
Commercials. They bore me. I shall fast-forward.
Talon. Nighttime. Oh, jeez. Guess who's taking a shower? I'll give you a clue. She needs a second bar of soap to get her whole body washed. Lois arches her body all over the place through the silhouette-showing shower curtain. We see Lois's back, and then, as she turns, how her entire face still has all its makeup on. Invisalyin'-Vision. Invisalyin' is, like, totally getting laid tonight. There's no reason for stalking, bub. Lois notices that something may be wrong. She's got a bad feeling about this gratuitous shower scene. So she arches her back sexily again. I wish I were just making all this up. Lois hears the bathroom door close. She slowly turns off the dual faucets. Peeks outside. "Hello?" she calls. She sees movement under the door. Lois gets out, starkers, and grabs a big metal "body massager" to club someone on the head with vibration. There's a towel right there on the hanger, but Lois doesn't bother to grab it. She'd rather strike with the awesome totality of her naked bod. You know, this scene makes even less sense than the scenes that, by their very unscientific nature, aren't supposed to make sense. Lois throws open the door and raises her giant metal massager. Clark is standing there. He looks at her naked body. Then stops short of asking for a surgery referral. Lois clears her throat, then shuts the door. Clark wonders, "Was there a person standing behind those things?" Lois finally grabs a towel, while Clark, on the other side of the door, walks off, stunned. Not quite Lana naked, is it? Lois emerges. "What are you doing here?" she barks. Clark says that he's been calling and knocking on the door. "How long have you been in there?" he asks. "About an hour and a half," she says. Whoa. She's part saline, though, so she needs all that hydration. Lois asks Clark whether he was just in the bathroom. Clark says he just walked in. Lois swears someone was just in the bathroom watching her. Clark says that it was Invisalyin'. Lois is annoyed that Clark is blaming him. Clark warns her to stay away from that dude. She whines that Clark is always "lobbing a grenade" at everyone she dates. Maybe it's more that he's waving a spear in their direction. "Quiet," Clark tells her. Yes! I've been waiting for that. Clark uses his super-hearing to listen to Invisalyin's heartbeat. "He's here," Clark whispers. Clark hears clothes rustle, as someone leaves the room. He follows. Clark goes downstairs, and hears scattered heartbeats from Talon customers. He walks down the stairs. A waitress gets pushed aside and drops her tray. "Hey!" she yells. The back door swings open. Clark pursues.
Out in the alley. Clark looks down a ways and sees Invisalyin' just standing there. Clark super-zips over and grabs him. "Amazing what you can learn when you're a fly on a wall," Invisalyin' says. He's holding a glowing piece of Kryptonite. As Clark buckles and falls, Invisalyin' says the rocks that hurt Clark gave him the greatest life he could ask for. He was driving through town during the meteor shower. He says that being a hero might be a rush, but it's nothing compared to using your powers to kill. Clark says he saved Invisalyin's life. "You should have taken the plasma!" Invisalyin' says. Yeah! Invisalyin' says that his identity is in jeopardy. He has to get rid of Clark, Lex and Lana. What about Lois? Goddammit, WHAT ABOUT LOIS!? Invisalyin' says you don't leave loose ends in his line of work. Clark says he'll never get away with it. There's twenty whole minutes left. "I always do," Invisalyin' says. He smacks Clark in the face with the rock. The camera does a bird's-eye view of Clark getting ass-kicked. Dramatic music, but no commercial break.
Smallville Medical Center. Lana is at Lex's bedside as he stirs. She's concerned. "Hey," Lex says. Lana tells him that he's not supposed to talk. Whisper all your dialogue like Lana. Lex touches his neck and says that he's not supposed to do a lot of things. He asks whether they caught the guy. Lana tells him they will. She asks who'd do this to Lex. He says that it could be lots of people, but adds that he won't make it easy for them: "I have too much to live for." Lana blushes. Lex thanks Lana for being there. He notes that there isn't a crowd of well-wishers waiting for him. Lana tells him he did have one visitor -- Clark. "Really," Lex says. Would Lana mind leaving time Clark comes by? Lex needs to get his throat back in shape. Lex says it sucks that it takes a near-death experience to bring old friends together. He wonders how he'll fake his death every time he gets horny. Lana pours some water. Lex asks Lana whether she told Clark about them. Lana says that she doesn't owe Clark anything, especially the truth. Lex says that he knows Lana is angry, but Clark deserves "a modicum of respect." Just a modicum. Lana says that it's not about anger; it's about her wanting to be an independent squirrel, er...woman. Lex asks Lana not to let Clark find out from someone else first. Yeah, that would suck. Lana is like, "Fuck. Damn. Whatevers."
Lois, in a yellow top, stares at herself in the mirror. Is that mirror wide-angled? Chloe, calling Lois's name, bursts through the door, moving the mirror. Chloe asks where Clark went. Lois says that Clark busted in and then took off, and that she really wasn't paying attention. Nice. Lois throws on an ugly green jacket and says that she's tired of Clark's disapproval of her dating. She asks why Clark Kent is so obsessed with her love life. Chloe tells Lois that her new boyfriend is a professional hitman. Lois rolls her eyes. "Of course he is," she says, hurt. Chloe says that they need to find Clark. They go to do that.
Out in the alley. Chloe is calling Clark's name. She tries Clark's cell. Lois shouts out: "Hey, Smallville!" Chloe hears a phone ringing nearby. It's Clark's. They find it lying atop a mound of dirt. Wow, Invisalyin's such an amazingly professional hitman that he left the victim's cell phone lying on ground level. Genius! Lois and Chloe, panicked, dig up Clark from under a very light layer of soil at a construction portion of the street. Chloe discreetly tosses the meteor rock aside. Clark wakes up. "He's going after Lex and Lana," he says. Suspense!
Lex is in his hospital bed using a laptop and connected to the Internet, which doesn't at all interfere with the hospital machinery. He's using AOL with his very secure login, "LexLuthor." I'm starting to think Lex deserves to get the constant kidnapping, blows to the head, and bullets to the stomach. The equally mysterious AOL user, MiltonFine asks over Instant Messenger, "Is the compound virus ready?" It should totally be, "Iz com# virez redy? " Lex types back, "YES." YES! ITZ REDY! CAN U HEAR ME!? CLARK SUX0RZXZZ! LETS SPLIT KRYPT0L33TTZZ! Lex hears a sound from outside his room. He moves a newspaper and there's a gun underneath it. Someone opens the door. It's Lana. She totally needs to check her Hotmail. Lex says that he thought she was someone else. Someone good. "Just me," Lana says. She brought Lex a gift. Lana opens it herself, because Lex is that feeble. It's a dark striped set of pajamas. Lana says that she thought Lex would prefer it to the uncomfortable hospital garb. Sudden bleeding will show up great on that, thanks. "They're perfect," Lex says.
A guard standing outside of Lex's hospital room just minding his own business suddenly gets his neck snapped. His feet twitch. The door opens. Dramatic music goes nuts. Lex, still holding Lana's hand, gets out of bed, pointing the gun. He pushes Lana behind him and swings wildly. We see Lex looking pretty dumb in Invisalyin'-Vision. Lex sees a cart move. He shoots up the place. Lex has about 10,000 rounds in that gun. Lex, leading Lana with him, searches the room. Lex and Lana notice some drops of blood spilling onto the floor. Lex is suddenly punched in the face. Invisibly. Ha! Lex drops the gun. Now do the Man vs. Invisible Man wrestling match! Lex winces. Instead of kicking Lex in the face, Invisalyin' uses his bloody hand to pick up the gun. He's now visible. Invisalyin' raises the gun at roughly a half-meter per hour. "Lana, run!" Lex yells. They do.
Out in the hall, Lex and Lana run in slow motion. Invisalyin', holding his bleeding gut, raises his gun to fire. Clark suddenly appears. He sees the scene. Lex and Lana dive. Lex's neck snaps like a twig. (No, not really.) Invisalyin' shoots his gun. Clark super-zips and blocks the bullet. Invisalyin' dies from the effort of firing a single bullet. He falls. Lex and Lana look back. They hug each other. "You saved my life," Lana says to Lex, putting her head on his shoulder. Clark, holding the spent and squashed bullet in his hand, watches, bitterly.
Kent Farm, daytime. The cows wonder how they're gonna wrap up the season in two more episodes. MamaKent is reading the newspaper in the kitchen and drinking from the bovine mug I covet so. Lois Lane walks in without knocking. Lois tells MamaKent that she has one senator's vote. MamaKent doesn't sound thrilled. One vote doesn't pay the bills, Missy. MamaKent, wearing a snazzy green outfit, asks how Lois is doing after the whole dating-a-serial-killer thing. Lois pretends that she's fine. She says that it's her way of "livin' la vida loca." Please don't ever say that again. Lois says she's seeing a disturbing trend in her dating: she attracts bad dudes. MamaKent says that she doesn't believe that. Lois asks why she can't meet a decent guy from a decent family who isn't a psychopath. With Clark, you might get one or two out of three of those. MamaKent sighs. She says that when she was Lois's age, she met her share of losers. Ooh, how many? MamaKent says that she used to attract the dark, mysterious type, too. That's hot, MamaKent. "Until I met Jonathan," she says. That's totally not hot. Lois says that when her Bo Duke comes along, she's afraid she'll miss him. Was this scene really necessary? It clunks like a clunky clunker from Clunkerton, Clunkstervania. MamaKent says that Lois needs to keep a closer watch, and that the bad relationships happen for a reason: to help you recognize the good ones. Lois goes, "Hmm." Scene over.
You're still here? Daily Planet. Clark, grinning, holds up a copy of the front page against a window and points to a headline, as Chloe watches. It reads, "Chameleon Hitman Killed, LuthorCorp CEO Safe Reported by Chloe Sullivan." The story says his name was "Christopher Boyer." Where did "Graham" come from? Clark congratulates Chloe on her first front-page byline. Chloe says that Clark deserves all the credit. Clark says that it's more like blame. He's not sure he wants to save people if it'll get others killed. Chloe asks whether he has a choice. She says that if you see someone drowning, you throw them a rope. Clark asks whether the world might not be better off with some of these people gone. Chloe says that it's not Clark's choice to make. Dumb-ass. She says doctors or firefighters don't think like that. You save first, ask questions later. Clark grudgingly concedes the point, but says it's not always that easy. Chloe brings up Lex. Clark says that he should never have questioned Chloe's friendship. Chloe understands, and says it's no walk in the park to see someone you love in someone else's arms. Damn Clark for making Chloe have this conversation. Clark asks why Lana would date Lex of all the people in the world. Proximity? Riches? Sexy? Chloe says that you can't control whom your ex-girlfriend dates. "You have no idea how hard it was to see them like that," he says. Asshole! Of course she does! Clark is the worst friend ever. Clark says he couldn't breathe. Chloe tries very hard not to strangle himand she says she knows how much it must have hurt. She suggests Clark move on, like Lana has.
Kent Farm again. The Fortress of What-Again?itude. Clark is taking apart his telescope. No, his actual telescope. It sounds broken. He's packing it in a big yellow carrier. Lana comes up the stairs to the loft. NOOOO! "I thought you loved that telescope," Lana says. "I did," Clark says. "It doesn't work anymore." Lana says Lex got out of the hospital. Clark looks a bit paunchy here. He says that Lex is a lucky guy. Lana says that when they were together, nothing bothered her more than Clark's lies. "I don't want to be like that," she says. Heh. Like Clark? Clark says it's a good choice. She confesses that when she said she was returning books, she was lying. Lana says that she and Lex have been spending lots of time together. Clark scoffs. "You know, I kinda noticed," he says. Like hell, liar. Lana says that she and Lex are seeing each other. Clark tries to look surprised. Lana says that she wanted Clark to hear it from her first. Clark sighs. He says that he knows she doesn't want to hear this from him, but she can't trust Lex. "And I could trust you?" she asks. Clark says that he doesn't want to see her get hurt. Dude, you hurt her the most. Jackass. Lana angrily says that Clark may think he's some kind of hero, but she doesn't need him to protect her. Clark follows her as she leaves. "Lana," he says. "Clark," she answers, "it's over. You made that decision." She gets the hell out of Dodge. It's over, Clark! Kick her to the country curb!
week: Is Zod coming? Or is he just breathing hard?