Sure, it's a complete rip-off of Saw, but what a good rip-off! Papa Luthor is tracked down by someone he's wronged in a the past, a not-at-all-scary dude wearing a mask that is the bastard son mask of Destro and Professor Chaos from South Park. The guy captures Papa Luthor, and makes him perform some bullshit elaborate art-directed tasks designed to show what a bad person Papa Luthor is. Things get much worse when MamaKent is brought into the equation, and Papa Luthor has to work double-time to save her life, as well as his. In the end, they're forced into an elevator that's set to drop to doom, and one of them has to shoot the other. Papa Luthor, without hesitation, asks MamaKent to shoot him, and when she can't, he shoots himself in the face. Or at least he would have if there'd been a bullet in the gun. The elevator drops anyway, but Clark (with an assist from Chloe and Lex) has found them, and saves Papa and MamaKent, much to Papa Luthor's wonder. The bad guy is a dude who was burned in the Apex LuthorCorp deal, and he's caught soon enough by Lex's peeps. MamaKent is convinced that Papa Luthor's not so bad, after all, but Clark is still suspicious, especially now that it's out in the open that Papa Luthor knows Clarkâs secret. Lex and Lana fail to confront last week's kiss. Papa Luthor tells Lex to quit obsessing over Clark. In the end, Papa Luthor falls to his knees near his desk, and tries to scribble something down on a piece of paper, suggesting that he's still being controlled by our old Kryptonian pal, Jarnelle.
Hey, folks, welcome back. Four more episodes left until I hook a margarita IV up to myself for the summer. Not that I'm getting impatient or anything. I'm just salting up my arm for fun.
A Smallville country road. A very tony black limo is driving through, as opera music plays inside. In the back seat, we find Papa Luthor wheeling and dealing. He's holding a copy of the Daily Planet, featuring a front-page story: "SENATOR KENT REVEALS FINANCE PLAN." The tiny subhead reads, "We will exploit the children and steal from the old. Then we'll wait for the money to roll in." Papa's telling someone, "Yes, yes, yes," and I begin to wonder whether he's got somebody hiding behind that newspaper. Unfortunately, he's talking into a cell-phone headset and shooting someone's business down. He's telling the person on the phone that however hard their division has been working, this isn't grammar school, and he only cares about results. He interrupts the person to tell him or her that if he gives him or her more time, it'll be a drag on LuthorCorp's balance sheet. Papa puts his newspaper aside and puts his hands together between his legs, as he seems to be having quite a lot of fun explaining that LuthorCorp no longer needs this person's services, and wishes him or her luck with a less demanding company.
Papa takes the earpiece off and lays his head back on the plush leather seat, sighing. Oh, toil. Papa squirms in his seat and digs in his pockets for a bottle of pills. It's Evil Excedrin, for when you've got a headache from being evil this big. Just then, the dark partition between the front and the back of the limo rises. A video screen illuminates. "Hello, Lionel," says some sort of tinfoil monster. It's a dude in what looks like an aluminum foil mask with blue eyes. Wow, the props and costumes budget has officially reduced us to stuff from the Dollar Store. Luckily these masks come in sets of five for $5. The limo suddenly brakes to a halt, sending Papa Luthor lunging forward in his seat. We see a pair of shoes, as the driver gets out from the front. "Alex! What are you doing?" Papa yells. "Sorry. Alex is a little busy right now," says Tinfoil Alien. Papa asks who he is. Papa hears a bell, and turns to see a railroad crossing sign. It's flashing. In the distance, a train is heading for the limo. We see now that the limo is neatly parked right across some train tracks. Tinfoil Alien says that Papa Luthor is used to being in control, and that if he wants to regain it, he'll have to play a little game. The doors suddenly lock. Papa can't get out. Tinfoil Alien says that the train from Smallville to Metropolis should be on time, and that if Papa loses the game, he'll be riding it the hard way. In little magnificent pieces. Papa asks what game. "Hangman," the evil dude tells him. Papa needs to call out letters. The screen switches from electronic gobbledygook to a crudely drawn hangman game. First word is two letters, second word is five. Tinfoil Alien says he'll only get an A for results. "A," Papa Luthor tries. "Too obvious," the alien tells him. A circular head appears on the board. "E," Papa tries. That one works as the second letter of the second word. "O." Second letter of the first word. Papa misses with "T," "G" and "S." The train is getting closer. "Want a hint?" Tinfoil Alien asks, "It's a lesson I learned from you." "M," Papa tries. It's the first letter of the second word. Papa spells the rest quickly to reveal "NO MERCY." "No Mercy!" Papa Luthor cries. No whammies! The door suddenly unlocks. Papa hops out of the car, just as the train is about to hit. The train nails the car, which Papa Luthor is running in front of, and it somehow disintegrates instead of plowing right into him. It also catches fire. Wow, it's all Burnout Revenge up in here. Papa dives to the side, and avoids becoming a limo hood ornament. Just barely. The train passes loudly. Papa Luthor scrambles to his feet. He tries to see who got out of the car. Instead, he spots the "Welcome to Smallville" sign spraypainted red with "HAVING FUN YET?" Actually, yes. Yes we are.
Opening credits. Commercials. Stick It. I'm not going to say I won't see this. Because I might.
Daily Planet. Clark and Chloe get out of an elevator. Clark, as loudly as he can, is telling Chloe about how Papa Luthor's always hanging out at his house, acting like he belongs there. Wow, I'm sure no one on the staff of the major metro newspaper would have any interest in hearing about how the richest man in the state is hanging out with the newest state senator. Chloe, doing a weird caramelized swoop thing with her bangs, says that it sounds like MamaKent invited the wolf to come on in. Arrroooo! Chloe asks Clark whether maybe it's possible that Papa Luthor doesn't know his secret. Wow, that hair is making Chloe look like Frenchy from Grease. Clark says that the things Papa says and the look in his eye make him sure that Papa knows. Chloe says that if that's true, he's probably using MamaKent to get closer to Clark. Devious! It's almost like he has a plan that will somehow benefit him. How very Papa Luthor-like! Clark is really annoyed that Papa Luthor is helping his mother and that she's trusting him more and more. Wait till they start doing it, Clark. That's gonna be a horror show. Chloe tells Clark that MamaKent wouldn't trust Papa so much if she knew the truth. Clark still hasn't told her? What the fuck? He can't even keep it real with his mom? Clark whines that he was going to tell her, but that she's been through so much he didn't want to disturb her. Nice. Clark says that he didn't want to worry her. Chloe says that Clark could be putting her at risk for a lot worse than that. Clark stares at atoms. Stupid atoms. "Stuff is happening!" music plays as we transition to the scene.
A very ornate chess set. Nice onyx. We hear a door open and close. Behind Lex, we see the blurry figure of Papa Luthor, as he says grandly, "Chess!" Oh, I know a song from it. Check it out: "One night in Bangkok, and the world's your oyster." Papa notes that Lex hasn't played chess in years. Lex sighs, like he's heard this a million times. Could it be true that Lex hasn't played? I thought he'd be an expert. "Why the sudden interest in such a complex game?" Papa Luthor asks. Lex says that a friend has become interested in the finer points. Papa says, deliciously, "I used to dismantle your two-dimensional assaults with alarming regularity, remember?" Ha. I'm not surprised. Papa asks whether Lex shouldn't teach his friend something less complicated, like hangman. "Thanks," Lex says, motioning that he wants back a chess piece Papa Luthor picked up. "I'll stick with chess." Papa says that Lex will lose, as always. Wait until he finds out who Lex is playing. I don't think losing will be a problem. Lex says that he's not playing to win; he's playing to instruct. How to lose! Ooh, chess-board burn! I sank your battle-rook! King me! Lex, wearing an almost-pink light purple shirt, goes to get a drink. "No mercy?" Papa Luthor asks. Lex asks what the hell he's talking about. Papa thinks that it was Lex who pulled the train trick. Papa says that kind of melodrama went out of style with silent movies. I couldn't agree more. "Wait. Someone tried to kill you?" Lex asks. Papa thinks Lex is faking innocence. Lex says that he brought Papa Luthor back to LuthorCorp to help the company, and that profits have never been higher: "Why would I want you dead?" Papa thinks Lex is still mad about the Apex takeover Papa attempted. Lex, taking a drink, says that seeing Papa Luthor fail miserably was retribution enough. Papa has been out-chessed all of a sudden. He decides that Lex must be telling the truth. Papa Luthor tries to get his head together, rubbing his temples. "I may not like you very much, Dad," Lex says, "but you're a valuable asset to LuthorCorp. Killing you would hurt the bottom line." Papa turns, and says wryly, "Your concern is truly touching." Lex comes to him and puts a hand on his shoulder. He says that he is concerned, because a threat against his father is a threat against the company. Papa says that he's been fending off attacks on his life since before Lex was born: "I think I can handle one more." Good luck with that. Papa exits.
Kent kitchen. MamaKent, wearing lovely red business attire, is looking over some papers as Clark walks in. She asks what Clark thinks of something as a closing: "It isn't enough to simply give when we can. Upholding the principles of truth, justice, and the American way isn't a matter of convenience, it's a matter of conscience." Clark mutters, "Sounds like words to live by." Clunk. MamaKent is thrilled that Clark likes it, and hopes the deep pockets at the civil liberties fundraiser will think so, too. Clark has something he wants to talk to her about, but MamaKent asks whether it can wait, because she's got to rush out to Metropolis. "Lionel knows," Clark says simply. That stops her. Clark says that Papa knows his secret. He's not sure how. MamaKent says that she may know. She brings up the tape of security footage showing Clark surviving an explosion and how Papa Luthor was trying to help her out of a blackmail situation. She says that Papa Luthor took care of it, and that he claimed not to be interested in the contents of the video. "And I believed him," she says, bitterly. Clark asks why she didn't tell him this sooner. MamaKent sighs, and says that Clark was still in a lot of pain over Bo Duke's death. She says that she wanted to protect him for a change. MamaKent says that Papa Luthor's going to be at the fundraiser tonight. Clark says that they need to keep from tipping off Papa Luthor and just stick to their regular routine until they know what he wants. He says that's what Bo Duke would have done. Bo Duke would have gone and punched Papa Luthor in the mouth and bellowed a bunch of threats, then gone home and rubbed on the cows for a few hours. MamaKent sighs, and says she'd better get going. Clark offers to go with her. She says that if Clark starts guarding her all the time, Papa will definitely know something's up. "Don't worry," she tells Clark as she gathers her things. "I can handle Lionel." You go, MamaKent! Handle your shit!
Metropolis buildings at night. In Papa Luthor's office, a scary-looking dude in a suit is doing a scan of the room for any electronic monitoring devices. As soon as I saw this guy the first time, I thought, "He's the evil tinfoil guy," but then I thought that was so obvious as to be silly. "You are ridiculous, silly Omar!" I said to myself. "Have you so little faith in this show?" Well, let's just say that this show has never been afraid to be obvious and silly. Scary Character Actor says that there are no hidden devices in the office. Papa says he hopes that's true, for the security guy's sake; otherwise he'll be working in a convenience store watching hot dogs spin. Heh heh.
The security guy lowers his head and walks out of the room, seething with rage, apparently. Papa throws off his coat and goes to check his laptop and get some water. His computer makes a weird beep. The computer-animated head of Tinfoil Alien appears. Instead of just closing the screen, Papa clicks on it. What, did he think he was going to get some fREe CHeeP V1AgrA? "'Watching hot dogs spin.' That wasn't very nice," Tinfoil Alien says. It is at this point that Papa should have said, "I know it's you, Security Guard. Why don't you come right back into the room?" Papa is horrified, as Tinfoil Alien says that's how Papa treats all his employees. Papa gulps, and tries to think. He turns suddenly. "What do you do, read lips?" he asks. Tinfoil says that he sees everything. And it all looks really blue. The screen goes blank. The electricity starts to power down, turning off most of the lights. Papa reaches under his desk for a handgun he keeps on a little metal rail. Papa, gun in hand, goes hunting around the room. He dials on his cell phone. "911!" says the cheery voice of Tinfoil Alien. He asks Papa how it feels to be helpless. "I'll let you know if it ever happens," Papa tells him. Tinfoil Alien applauds Papa's spirit, and wonders whether it'll keep him alive. Papa says, "So, uh...what do you want?" Tinfoil, wearing a dark hood, suddenly appears behind Papa and plunges a hypodermic needle into his neck. Papa gasps, and falls. "I want to play another game," says Tinfoil, as he blinks behind his stupid mask. Awesome, but keep it under twenty minutes, because we'll need some time to wrap up some other storylines, all right? Cool?
Commercials. I'm not sure which I'd rather eat: the Pedigree dog food, or the Wendy's Frescata sandwich.
Scary music plays. We see a pilot light below a metal surface as the camera moves up, and see Papa Luthor lying on the floor above it. Having just seen Silent Hill, I can tell you that nothing that follows in this episode is as creepy as that, unless you count Papa Luthor's fear and desperation and the idea that nobody figured we'd know this storyline was lifted from Saw. Papa wakes up and finds a big box of matches. He lights one. He moves the flame toward the wall and sees a dead person. He screams, and backs up against another wall, using it to get to his feet. A light comes up. It's a dank room with a giant meat hook at its center. Two video screens illuminate to two very artsy wall-embedded fans. Tinfoil Alien appears on screen, greeting Papa Luthor. Papa asks where he is. "In a Hell of your own making," Tinfoil tells him. Nice job, Papa Luthor. I love what you've done with the place. Papa looks down. His shoes are gone and he's sadly barefoot. "Who are you?" Papa asks. Shoe thief! Al Bundy! Tinfoil says he's one of the many faceless people Papa Luthor's greed has destroyed. "That narrows it down some, doesn't it?" Papa jokes. Tinfoil speechifies about Papa Luthor's evil nature, and how his minions toil while he profits. "It's called running a business!" Papa retorts. "That's how it WORKS!" Word! Tinfoil leans into the camera and says that Papa Luthor's going to have to get his own hands dirty.
A bright light shines in the room. Tinfoil asks Papa Luthor to take a look at what he's set up. There are two steel buckets underneath two faucets. Papa goes over and puts a finger under the faucet, and then smells the liquid. "Not exactly spring water, is it?" Tinfoil asks. Papa eyes the meat hook. "Ah, a good story always needs a hook, wouldn't you agree?" Tinfoil says. Oh, fucking groan. Papa asks what happens now. A game, of course. "Show me," Papa says. The screen goes to static, and then comes back to show someone in a suit and tie walking carefully, balancing the two buckets on a pole. Tinfoil explains that the buckets are the scales of justice, and that Papa Luthor will have to fill them with liquid from the tap. Tinfoil says that Papa Luthor has to balance it on the hook. If he's successful, the door to the room will open. On the black-and-white video, we see the guy in the suit try to lift the buckets and balance them on the hook, as flames rise at his feet. The buckets fly off-balance, and flames engulf the poor dude. He screams and flails. Tinfoil says that "Alex" didn't do too well. Papa looks at the charred body in the corner. We hear screams from the video. Apparently, the liquid is very flammable. Papa Luthor removes his suit jacket and places it over the dead body. "He was my driver, an innocent man!" Papa Luthor cries. Tinfoil says that no one connected to Papa Luthor is innocent. "Ready to play?" Tinfoil asks. Papa resists. He says that he will jump through no hoops. Tinfoil says that, in a few minutes, the flames will rise and burn Papa Luthor for his sins if he doesn't play along. We see a bunch of pipes erupt in gas-powered flames beneath the room. Mmm, propane sure does burn clean. The flames line almost every part of the room around Papa Luthor. This is gonna be fun.
Lair of Lex. to the fireplace, Lana and Lex are playing chess with his expensive Franklin Mint set. Lana tries to make a very incorrect move, but then puts the piece (a rook, I believe), back where it belongs. Nice non-move. Lex tells her to take her time. He says that the key to chess is anticipating your opponent's moves and keeping him on the defensive. I thought you didn't play, chump. "Lex, what are we doing?" Lana asks, numbly. Ha. And here we thought she was curious. Lex says that he thought they were enjoying an evening of chess. "I think I have Monopoly," he says. He's not even talking about the game. Lana says that Lex knows what she's talking about. The kiss! What the fuck, dude! Come on! Lex says that he was hoping she'd bring it up. Lana stares at Lex, and says, coyly, "You kissed me." Lex looks down. He points at her: "And then you kissed me back." We have the recap as evidence, yes. Lana scoffs, and gets up, walking toward the camera for effect. She says that after all the talk about not wanting to ruin the friendship, they don't listen very well. You mean Al and Miles? Lex gets up, too, and asks Lana whether she wants him to forget what happened. He says that, short of a blow to the head, he thinks he'll carry that memory for quite a while. Lex gets a blow to the head and shot in the chest in almost every episode. I don't think that's declaring much.
Lana turns to Lex. Just as they might start to suck face again, Lex's cell phone rings. Lex tries to ignore it, but Lana tells him he should get it, and that's she's going back to Metropolis. Lex is making her drive around back and forth? Lana says that she'll call him later. Lex watches her go as she scurries out. She leaves the door open. Lex answers his cell. "What?" he asks, annoyed. Lex listens briefly, and then tells the person on the line to get a security team together and meet him at LuthorCorp plaza. Do you mean the Vermont Teddy Bear security team, or the one made up of egg-laying hens and boxes of Crunch-'n-Munch? Because one of the two teams is clearly more delicious. Also, Lex tells his caller to keep this situation internal because he doesn't want anyone to know his father is missing. Why must everything be a secret, Lex? Someday you might end up as bad as Clark.
We're zoomed in on Tinfoil Alien's blue-tinted eye. The camera pulls back to show him on screen behind Papa Luthor, who is sweating up a magnificent storm. "Getting a little warm?" Tinfoil asks. He asks about the flames licking at Papa Luthor's feet as Papa, in a wifebeater, is balancing the pole of justice scales. Papa Luthor is walking through flames, pretty much. Tinfoil asks whether Papa Luthor doesn't wish he had those $1,000 Italian shoes he favors. Right now some fireman's boots would be nice. Papa Luthor tells Tinfoil that he grew up in Suicide Slums, and that sweat is something he's very familiar with. Tinfoil says that all changed when Papa Luthor's parents died in the fire he set. Papa spills a bit of the flammable liquid, and flames rise up high, off to the side. "I didn't kill my parents," Papa says, stoically. Tinfoil says that if you tell a lie long enough, you begin to believe it. Papa steps up on a platform. Tinfoil asks what Papa Luthor has learned from this little game "before the flesh is seared from your bones." Oh, dude, just shut up already. Papa Luthor steps on a second platform and says, "Yeah. You talk to much." Worrrrrd 'em up. He grits his teeth, and raises the bar over his head and onto the hook. "Careful, careful," Tinfoil taunts as he reminds Papa Luthor about his dead limo driver. Papa Luthor lets go of the pole. It teeters; then, amazingly, it balances. Tinfoil congratulates Papa Luthor on his acquittal. The meat hook lowers. A trap door opens, and somehow Papa Luthor is flung through it as the room is engulfed in flames. I think Papa is defying gravity a bit this week.
Lights come up in a dank warehouse. Papa gets to his feet, breathing heavily. The camera spins around him. Another TV screen illuminates. Papa asks Tinfoil if it's another game. Tinfoil says that, for this one, Papa Luthor will need a partner. Ooh, take Charles Nelson Reilly for the block! Papa Luthor sees MamaKent, trapped in a giant glass display box. She bangs on the glass, but there's no sound. Ooh, that's low, Tinfoil.
Commercials. Gotta love Subway for going the Jon Lovitz route and not the "skinny young hip actor" or "former giant dude that can now wear skinny khakis" route.
MamaKent in glass. Her tank is filling up with water, which is gushing out of a pipe. She and Papa Luthor try to communicate, but they can't hear each other. Papa spots a valve up high, but he's unable to turn it. He sees a panel on the side of the tank. Pressing a button activates a speaker. MamaKent desperately asks what's going on. Papa says that someone is playing a sick joke. He asks how she got there. MamaKent says she was in the parking structure of the fundraiser and heard a noise behind her. She begs him to get her out. Papa spots a chair. He tells her to stand back, and tries to whack the glass. It doesn't work, of course.
Papa grunts loudly, and then yells, "All right!" He tells Tinfoil to let MamaKent go; she's got nothing to do with this. Tinfoil counters that she has everything to do with this: Papa Luthor is using her to wield his influence in the halls of power. Boy, Kansas politics sure are full of excess intrigue. I wish Oklahoma's senate was like this when I covered it in college for the newspaper. Tinfoil holds up the front page of that day's Daily Planet. In the big photo of MamaKent, you can see Papa Luthor hovering in the background. MamaKent shakes her head vigorously. Tinfoil says that the puppet is as guilty as the master, and that MamaKent deserves a similar fate.
Papa asks how he's going to get MamaKent out of the tank. Tinfoil proposes a word game that illustrates how Papa uses words as weapons with double meanings: "Now it's my turn." A light comes up on a movie marquee-like sign. It reads, "a Toad like Fever." Boy, whatever happened to them? They had that one big hit in the '90s, then you never heard about them again. Papa Luthor says that he doesn't understand it. It must be one of those MTV movies, like Napoleon Dynamite, that none of the people my age seem to get. Hey, Toad like Fever...what are you going to do today? "Whatever I feel like, GOSH!" Tinfoil tells Papa Luthor to "shift [his] perceptions." Tinfoil goes offline, as he says that MamaKent's life is in Papa's hands. Presumably, he's off to go stock up on Reynolds Wrap, while it's still on sale. Papa Luthor says that he needs more info. MamaKent holds up her hands. The water continues to rise.
Daily Planet. Clark opened his big mouth to Chloe, and now he's trying to get her not to go digging for more information about his situation with Papa Luthor. Chloe says that Papa Luthor fed her information about SoFine in Honduras, knowing that she'd give the info to Clark. Chloe suggests that she use that info to find out what Papa's really up to. Clark thinks that's too risky. "Oh, and waiting for Darth Luthor to hatch his evil plan isn't?" she asks. Ha. Clark answers his cell phone. It's Lois. She's asking about MamaKent. They've just figured out that she's missing after not having shown up at the fundraiser. "Oh my God," Chloe says. "Hey, leave me out of this," says God. "I'm watching Everybody Hates Chris."
LuthorCorp. Lex is telling one of the security guards to pull surveillance footage from the last twenty-four hours to see if there's anything unusual. Ignore the part where Papa Luthor totally embarrassed Lex about his chess playing. Clark and Chloe enter through the sliding door just as the security guy is leaving. Lex asks what Clark is doing here. "Looking for your father," Clark says. You're in trouble! Lex says that his dad missed some meetings and never showed up at the fundraiser. Clark says that his mother didn't either. Clark tells Lex that if he has any idea what's up, he'd better fess up now. Lex doesn't really address that, but does say that Papa Luthor was accusing Lex of a bizarre attempt on Papa's life. Chloe asks whether Lex thinks that someone's taking a second shot. Lex says that Papa was taken from his office; he found Papa's cell phone on the floor. Papa was dialing 911. Lex says that the timestamp matches a gap in the building's security tape. Chloe asks about the cameras in Papa Luthor's office. Lex says that there aren't any; he likes to make his shady deals in private. That's why he has huge glass windows where anyone outside the building can look inside. Clark uses his x-ray vision to scan the room. He finds what looks like a GameBoy cartridge in one of the room's many antique artifacts. Clark asks whether a small statue has always been chipped on one of its corners. Lex says that his dad wouldn't tolerate a flaw in his priceless collection: "Nice catch." Well, he did used to be the catcher. Lex drops the statue. Chloe picks up the device. She says it's not standard-issue; it was homemade by someone who knew what he was doing: "It's high-res, wireless carrier." Clark asks whether it's transmitting. Because he'd really like that "nice catch" thing stricken from the record. Chloe says that it's powered down, but that she might be able to juice it up and piggyback the transmission back to where it's located. Check out the engineering degree on Chloe. I'm not sure Veronica Mars would know how to do that; even she gets some geek help once in a while, you know? Clark and Lex nod like they know what the fuck Chloe's going to do. "Let's try," Lex says.
MamaKent is halfway to being a drowning victim. "'a Toad like Fever'!" Papa Luthor cries. Ask for it by name! Papa's getting frustrated because it doesn't make sense. MamaKent says that it must mean something. MamaKent notices that the phrase has two capital letters. Papa Luthor starts moving the letters around. He says that it's an anagram, and that the true meaning is scrambled. "It's a word puzzle!" MamaKent screams. Yeah! All right! Now unscramble it, dammit! What's a good anagram for "This is taking for-freakin' ever"?
Chloe has somehow used her latent Star Trek skills to reverse-engineer a tracer for a powered-down bugging device. She's got weird clips hooked up to the thing and, of course, it all connects just fine with her laptop. Chloe has found a rotational code that she plans to hack. Chloe is cool and all, but bullshit, all right? I think they confused her with Chloe from 24. Clark tells her to hurry. You hurry, doofus. All you're doing is modeling your Members Only jacket. Lex tells Clark it's a shame that it takes a crisis like this to get them in the same room together. Yow. The Gay. It returns, however briefly. Clark gives Lex a small but smoldering look. It is the look of long-ago sleepovers and the scent-memory of hay and sweat mingled in the barn loft. It is the wistful Gayest Look of the Episode. Lex wonders whether, after this is all over, they might be able to find some common ground. Like a room full of very soft wrestling mats. Clark just glares at Lex.
Lex's cell phone rings. He leaves the room, saying that he has to take it. Clark goes back, and asks whether there's anything he can do to help Chloe. How about outsource her work to India? Chloe says that Clark can't help unless computer skills are among his abilities. Clark can't even figure out how a lid comes off a jar of pickles. Chloe has figured out that the signal is local from the degree of degradation. (Commonly known as the "Fox Reality TV" measure for signals.) Chloe has tracked an address. It's a Vermont Avenue address about five miles away. Clark is about to zip out of there when Lex puts a hand on his shoulder: "Find something?" Sexual tension, yes. Clark hesitates, and then says they found an address. Lex suggests that they take his Porsche; it'll be a lot faster: "Let's go." Clark and Chloe exchange impatient looks. Clark goes with Lex. AOL still wants you to check out the hunt for Dr. Fine online. I hope they're updating that thing.
Back at the Children's Television Workshop. Papa Luthor has arranged the words "To dare Fake evil." It's gibberish. MamaKent is almost neck-high in the water. Papa loses his cool, and yells that Tinfoil wants him to fail and to watch MamaKent die. MamaKent screams Papa's name. She's flailing in the water. He suddenly keys in on the word "Fail." He's sounding out: "Fail...two meanings...no mercy. Uh...greed." A newt! Sausage! Betty Crocker! Toothpaste! Toothpaste sausage! Yes! It all makes sense! "Grab. Take...take! Takeover...Failed takeover!" MamaKent is submerged in the water now. Papa Luthor yells that the answer is "Failed Takeover." He starts saying, "Apex! Apex!" MamaKent is running out of breath underwater. She's about to drown. The glass breaks, spilling her out, but apparently not cutting her up. Water goes everywhere. There's a weird stutter-cut that doesn't match up. MamaKent lies on the ground, wet. She coughs up water. Papa Luthor kneels behind her and hugs her. "You're all right," he says. "To dare Fake Evil"? Really? That's what was going to save her?
Tinfoil comes back to the screen, and mocks Papa Luthor's concern for MamaKent. He says that their relationship must be more than political. Papa Luthor backs up, but holds her hand to help her stand. She cuddles up to him. Papa Luthor demands that they be set free. "As you wish," Tinfoil says, and a stairway lights up. They start walking up the stairs. MamaKent tells Papa Luthor to wait, and asks what's up there. Tinfoil tells them, "Freedom...or death, depending on the outcome of the game." Papa asks whether Tinfoil expects them to step into another trap. Tinfoil says that they can wait there for the floor to be electrified. These games are freakin' expensive. Whatever happened to a ball gag and a mini blowtorch? An electrical cable on the ceiling breaks and falls, landing on the wet floor and, indeed, electrifying it. MamaKent hops up near Papa Luthor. They run up the stairs. A door slams shut.
Commercials. I work with a very awesome dude named "Jennings." Cool that his name keeps coming up on TV.
Papa Luthor (still in his bicep-showing wifebeater) and MamaKent (still soaking wet) enter a yellow freight elevator. "What happens ?" asks MamaKent. Ask Steven DeKnight. Papa Luthor says he doesn't know, and then says, "Nooo!" as the elevator grate slides shut, and MamaKent screams. The elevator begins to rise. There's a screen inside, just waiting for Destro-Head to come back. Papa Luthor apologizes to MamaKent for dragging her into this. MamaKent asks who that tinfoil head is. He's so...so...TINFOIL! Papa doesn't know. She asks about the takeover. Papa explains that APEX was an Asian consortium he used to try to regain control of LuthorCorp. Papa says that Lex found out and made a very compelling argument for him to move out. Papa says that APEX ran lots of companies and that lots of investors were ruined. "Because of you. Because of your greed," MamaKent says. You got a problem with that, Senator? Papa explains that it wasn't about him; it was about Lex. MamaKent asks whether he hates Lex that much. Papa says that he was trying to teach him hard lessons. "Why?" MamaKent sighs. Papa says he felt that, if he removed the temptations of money and power, Lex might rediscover his humanity. So Papa Luthor isn't a magnificent bastard at all, but rather a magnanimous bastard? MamaKent asks whether Papa Luthor ever just thought of talking to him, father to son. Papa is at a loss when he hears that. His mouth works, but nothing comes out. Oops. Papa, with a lot of regret, says that it might work in the Kent family, but that Lex isn't Clark. He looks at MamaKent fiercely. "I'm not the father that Jonathan Kent was." MamaKent looks pained, and says, "It's never too late to change." Tinfoil Alien pops up on-screen. "Unless you're dead," he says. Hey, that was my line!
As the elevator comes to a stop, Tinfoil says that Papa Luthor has destroyed many lives with his games, and now it's time to see if he can survive the game himself. Hey, it's like that movie with Michael Douglas, where he was a rich guy and all this crazy shit happened, but it was just this big game that Sean Penn bought for him. And then he finds out, after he falls off a building, that it's just a game. I wish I could remember the name of that movie. Tinfoil wonders whether Papa Luthor will be able to survive when the life in the balance is that of someone he cares about. Tinfoil pushes a button on a device, and a small case opens up in the elevator. It's holding a silver pistol with a pearl grip. There's one bullet in it; either Papa kills MamaKent, or she kills him to win freedom. "No!" MamaKent says sternly. It would be great if Tinfoil said, "Damn. All right, fine. How about if you just shoot him in the fleshy part of the thigh?" Papa Luthor says that they're not playing any more games. Tinfoil says that there's an explosives charge on the elevator cable above their head. If they refuse, they'll both die from the fall. Oh, all right, that sounds like a good game, then. "Your decision," Tinfoil says, and disappears. A timer on the explosives charge starts counting down. MamaKent gulps. She and Papa Luthor stare at each other.
Chloe is talking to Clark on his cell phone. She asks where he and Lex are. They're in a scary house. Clark thinks they found something. Lex asks whether Clark wants to wait for the security team. Clark says no. Lex cocks his handgun, right in Clark's face. "Me neither," he says. Lex kicks open the door. Action Lex! Lex. Dude. You're not Jack Bauer. Knock it off with the CTU poses. Clark grabs a wood plank. He tells Chloe that there's no one there. Chloe thinks that the signal may have been re-routed. Lex spots something. This place sure does look very Jame Gumb. Clark and Lex look at a screen. A piece of paper over it reads, "GAME OVER."
Elevator. Papa Luthor and MamaKent look at the gun, and then at each other.
Clark removes the paper from the screen. The TV shows a security camera on the elevator scene. Clark and Lex have to watch the show now, too! Ooh, I have company! They watch Papa Luthor remove the gun from the wall. Lex looks at Clark. "Mom," Clark says, intensely.
In the elevator, Papa says, "I'm sorry, Martha. Please forgive me." Oh snap! He's gonna try to kill her! MamaKent looks worried. Papa says that only one of them is going to walk out of there. He seems to polish the gun with his hand. MamaKent starts to say something, but he stops her. Papa hands MamaKent the gun, and holds both his hands around hers. He points the gun at his own chin. "You're good," he begins. You're good, see? A real class dame, see? You're the tops and you've got gams up to here, see? Papa says that MamaKent has so many people depending on her, especially Clark: "And we both know he...he...what a special boy he is." Ha. Clark's "special." I think we all knew that. Papa says that, with Bo Duke gone, Clark's going to need her more than ever. Lex stares at Clark as all this is happening. "...to become the man the world so desperately needs," Papa Luthor finishes. Papa puts his hands down. MamaKent holds the gun steady, with tears in her eyes. "Do it. And go home to your son," he says. She hesitates. He holds her hands again. MamaKent drops her grip. "I..." she sputters. Papa takes the gun back. He gets very emotional as he says, "I'd hoped that...I'd always hoped that...things would end differently with us, Martha." Papa Luthor tells her not to blame herself, because her life is truly important. He points the gun upward at his chin and pulls the trigger, as MamaKent wails. The gun dry-fires. The timer on the explosives stops. MamaKent sobs.
The screen at the house goes blank. Chloe tells Clark that the feed was terminated at the source. She tries to back-trace the signal, but it's bouncing everywhere.
At the elevator, Tinfoil Alien appears, looking even sillier when he's not on a TV screen. He's wearing a hood over his foil and blue peepers. He says that a selfless act from Papa Luthor proves that life is full of surprises. "So is death," he says. Papa Luthor lunges at the elevator grate.
Chloe tells Clark that she found the signal, but is trying to get a specific location. She tells Clark to start heading west. Lex is talking to some security dudes, so Clark uses the moment to zip out. Lex calls to Clark, but then notices that he's gone.
Tinfoil is telling Papa Luthor that the charges are still activated, and that all he has to do is push a button and LuthorCorp will mourn the loss of its founder. Papa says that Tinfoil never intended to let them go. Tinfoil says that Papa Luthor is the master manipulator and should know that some games are rigged. MamaKent looks hopeless. Papa asks why Tinfouil didn't just kill him. Tinfoil wanted to watch him suffer, of course. Tinfoil takes off the tinfoil. It's evil gap-toothed Matt Damon! It's the security guy from earlier, which is so obvious as to be ridiculous. The dude is mad that Papa Luthor didn't even know who he was. He complains that Papa never saw his house or wife or the kids he lost because of that little APEX deal. If you have the money to rig all this shit up, you must not be doing too badly, Tinfoil Dude. "I'm no one," says Tinfoil Matt Damon. "Just another piece of Lionel Luthor's collateral damage." Papa says that it's between the two of them, not MamaKent. He asks that Tinfoil let her go. Tinfoil asks if it hurts to know he's going to watch her die -- the one person he'd give his life for. Papa says that it's his fault, all of it. He starts to cry. "I'm sorry," he says.
Clark has superzipped into the evil warehouse. He's in the room where the water tank busted and "Failed Takeover" was spelled.
Tinfoil says that the apology from Papa Luthor was all he wanted to hear. He pushes the button on the elevator anyway. It drops. MamaKent and Papa Luthor scream.
Clark hears something screeching. He uses his x-ray vision and sees the elevator dropping. Clark busts through a wall, and stands at the bottom of the shaft. It won't be the first time he's found himself trying to deal with the bottom of one. The elevator drops rapidly. Clark catches it, and, somehow, the damn thing doesn't explode. Equal and opposite reaction? Clark says fuck physics. Clark and Papa Luthor stare at each other. Clark brings down the elevator slowly. I swear he lets it go for one split second. The doors open. MamaKent hugs Clark. Papa looks at him in amazement. "That...was...miraculous," he says. Papa looks at the broken wall. "Thank you...son," he says. Then he wanders off without saying a word to MamaKent. Dramatic music.
Commercials. Don't some Pringles sound good right now?
Kent farm. In the living room, Clark is getting MamaKent come coffee or tea in Bo's old bovine mug. He asks whether she's all right. She says that she's got some bumps and bruises, but that she'll live. Clark says it's no thanks to Papa Luthor. MamaKent says that what happened was the work of one sick dude, not Papa. She says that Papa's no saint, but that it wasn't his fault. Clark says maybe it wasn't -- not directly. MamaKent says that Papa Luthor was willing to sacrifice himself for Clark's future. Yeah, you ungrateful ass! Clark has to think about that for a while. He doesn't think Papa does anything that won't benefit him in the end: "You can't trust him." MamaKent says that, to protect Clark's secret, they might not have a choice.
The evil warehouse. Papa Luthor picks up the pearl-handled gun off the floor of the yellow elevator. Lex stands behind him. "Lincoln Cole," Lex says. It's Tinfoil Alien's real name. Papa is thrilled that Lex found him. Lex says that the dude was in a bar down the street, toasting Papa Luthor's demise. Lex says that the guy didn't care if he was caught, as long at Papa Luthor was dead. He wasn't thrilled when he heard that Papa Luthor survived. Papa says that powerful men attract the occasional lunatic. Lex thinks that it was Papa Luthor, not insanity, that bugged the dude out. Papa says that we all make mistakes. Lex says that this one almost cost MamaKent her life. Papa praises the safety brake for saving their lives. Lex says, "Yeah...you should be. Especially since Cole disabled it." Papa chuckles and says that's enough to make someone believe in miracles: "Isn't it...son?" Lex smiles, and wonders whether Clark had anything to do with the diving intervention. Lex goes to the broken Clark-shaped hole in the wall and says he heard what Papa Luthor said in the video, about Clark being a special boy. Yow! "What'd you mean by that?" Lex asks, hurt. Papa says he meant that Clark is the kind of son a father could be proud of. Pow! Bam! Knockout! Lex looks supremely pissed. He gives Papa Luthor a dirty look as he observes that Clark was standing in the same room with him, and then he was all the way across town. Papa says, "You're still obsessing over him after all these years." Ooh, gay shame. "Clark Kent's a simple farmboy. Let it go, Lex. Let it go." Lex looks like he's going to do anything but.
Metropolis from overhead. Papa is watching the city from his office view. Clark walks in with his dumb red jacket. Papa turns: "I've been expecting you...Kal-El." Clark asks Papa how long he's known. Papa says that he's known since the moment he held the ice dildo that formed the Fortress of Solitude. "The one that put you in a coma?" Clark asks. Playing with the words carefully, Papa says that he'd rather consider it having been in a state of "contemplative repose." It's been almost a year. "Why haven't you done anything?" Clark asks. Papa says that he's not interested in exposing Clark's secret to the world: "I've tried to tell you. I'm not your enemy." He says that revealing Clark's secret would change Clark's destiny. And it would harm someone he cares about deeply. Clark says that Papa had a choice between killing himself or killing MamaKent. "I could never harm your mother," Papa says. "There was no choice." Clark says that's true unless he knew the gun wasn't loaded. Papa meets his gaze, and then walks away a bit. He says that Clark has no reason to believe anything he says. But he hopes, eventually, that Clark will come to trust him. He says that he only wants what's best for Clark and MamaKent. "Son," he adds. That sets Clark off. He angrily walks to Papa Luthor. "You don't call me that," he says. "Jonathan Kent was my father." Papa says that he's not trying to take Bo's place. "You couldn't," Clark counters. Clark says that his mother thinks there's some good in Papa Luthor: "But I'm not so sure." Papa says that it takes time, and that maybe he will be. "Or maybe you'll just show your true colors, " Clark says. He moves just inches from Papa's face, and says, "Secret or no secret, you stay away from my mother. Or you'll wish I'd never saved your life." Papa just smiles, steadily.
Clark leaves the room. Papa waits a bit. Then his face starts to twitch like he's about to start crying. He turns, and grabs his head. We hear a whining noise. Papa Luthor struggles to reach his desk. He grabs a pen and some paper, and begins to scribble. The camera pulls back outside the glass of the office, and then the screen suddenly goes black. Jarnelle? Is that you?
week: Lex saves some curly-haired dude's life, and it causes trouble. Wow. That sounds much better than this week's episode. Sigh...