Cyborg

Ooh, a gadget room. It's like my office closet. We open on a dark room, one with hanging machinery and a guy held up like he's posing for a sacrilegious piece of art. Florescent lights come up, revealing the room to be a made up of lit squares. You could shoot a killer rap video here. A man in a white lab coat walks by a hanging prosthetic arm and a hanging Terminator metal arm. He goes to a flat-panel display and presses his thumb against the screen. A scanner recognizes the print as belonging to a Dr. Hong. Hong punches in the code "246," causing a high-tech fence made of what appears to be curved chicken wire to open, revealing a young black man held up in shackles and wearing a blue track suit with purple on the sides. The young man is asleep. Hong -- a young scientist with big glasses -- is holding one of those industrial trigger needles you only see people inject into athletes in movies. He pokes the guy we'll come to know as Bionic Brother in the neck with the thing, injecting him with an amber liquid. BB wakes up and looks at Dr. Hong. Hong says he's sorry for what they did to him. You mean shackling a brother up, or was there something else? Bionic looks at Hong like he's not exactly sure what he means. Hong presses a button. It buzzes, and the wrist restraints open. "This was all I could save," Hong says. He hands over a 4 x 6 photo to Bionic Brother. As BB looks at the picture, we can see from the translucence that it's a photo of a young woman. BB stares at the photo, then looks at Hong. "Thank you," he tells the doctor. BB steps forward, and a cable that was sticking into the back of his neck gets unplugged. The lights flash, the color of the walls goes purple, and an alarm sounds. The camera spins around them as Hong tells Bionic Brother, "Get out!" No, you get out, I'm serious! John was totally checking you out! A really smarmy-looking guy in a suit runs into the room, accompanied by a soldier, just as Bionic Brother is running out. "Stop him! Aim for the shoulder!" the Suit yells. The soldier aims an Xbox-green beam from a machine gun. But Bionic Brother has already rounded the corner to another room. The soldier pursues. Scientific Suit tells no one in particular to seal the building because he needs BB alive. Dr. Hong is like, "I hope you're not talking to me, because if you are, then you've got the wrong Hong."

In a Kubrickian hallway of what look like painted-white storage units, Bionic Brother is hauling ass. Bionic ass. Two soldiers are in pursuit. Action music plays as BB tries to figure out which way to go. I think he's running back and forth down the same hallway. One of the soldiers fires his rifle, and it makes a little whining sound before shooting a plasma blast that explodes against a far wall, barely missing BB. He runs some more. The soldiers run some more. They enter a warehouse setting right out of Flashdance. More soldiers have entered the fray. Bionic Brother makes it outside and navigates a catwalk, then a downward ramp leading to some very heavy-looking double doors. The scientist -- who must have been magically transported to catch up with the fast-moving soldiers -- gets to the door right behind his henchmen. The metal double doors have been completely bent out of shape as Bionic Brother just tore right through them. Scientific Suit, surprised, tells his troops to sweep the area. Wouldn't that be a job for housekeeping? "I want him back in his cage," Scientist Suit says. If your interior monologue is primarily evil in intent, you should really keep it to yourself.

The gray-filtered streets of Metropolis. It looks rainy and cold. Lana is doing exactly what you'd picture her doing in Metropolis: driving her maroon SUV, listening to whiny, strummy alt-rock on the radio, and sipping from a generic coffee cup with the word "LATTE" on it. It's just too perfect. Until she slams on the brakes as she sees a young black man in the road. He holds up his hands. The SUV slams into him. The SUV loses. Much as would happen if Clark did this, Bionic Brother's body causes the SUV to cleave in two as it hits him. All the windows break. The camera zooms through the broken windshield for a close shot of BB's face. He's unhurt. Lana, though, has a big gash on her forehead that will never be seen again or ruin her perfect complexion. We knew she couldn't avoid that inevitable accident for long. Is this fate trying to reassert itself? Lana and BB make eye contact. The camera pulls up to show the ruined front of the truck that folded all around Bionic Brother.

Opening credits. According to our friends at Kryptonsite, John Schneider will be in the credits through the rest of the season.

Commercials. "Mr. Chan!" Also, I'm not sure the moviemakers really understood their own title when they called it Final Destination.

Metropolis General Hospital. Even when we're not in Smallville, I'm still going to be recapping hospital scenes. Instead of being treated by doctors, Lana is led into an exam room by Bionic Brother. She's holding some napkins to her bleeding, gashed head, which will be fine in a short time. Instead of trying to figure out how to keep some brains in her head, Lana is wondering how the guy could have survived being hit at 30 mph: "You should be dead." Nice way to treat your new friend! "It won't be the first time," BB says. Lana ask who he is. BB: "Nobody you want to know. Trust me." Yeah, you can start talking like a person and not an action movie clich now, all right? Lana tries to ask more questions. BB shuts her up by saying that he's sorry about her car, but that he's gotta get the hell out of here. He opens a door and does just that. Lana opens her phone and makes a call, instead of seeking medical attention. "Clark," she says into the phone, "I need your help." Isn't Clark the guy you sorta broke up with? Just checking.

A close-up of the very uncluttered front page of the Smallville Ledger. The top headline reads, "Widow to take senate seat. Martha Kent assumes her husband's senate position." A dek reads, "A new Kent for senate." Wow, I sure hope they don't have to write three headlines for every single story. I guess the paper is free and undated, because neither of those bits of information is on the page. MamaKent, in the Kent kitchen, takes a deep breath. She can't believe it's a real newspaper either. She hears something outside. Stepping out the front door, MamaKent finds a manila envelope, the words "MARTHA KENT" on it, lying on the porch. The text is printed in block letters on a sheet of paper, then cut out and taped to the envelope. It's pretty thick. MamaKent takes the package inside as mystery music plays. Inside the envelope, she finds a portable DVD player. MamaKent opens it and presses play. It's a scene from the spaceship warehouse. Lana is lying on the ground. MamaKent takes a sharp exhale. She looks around the room, but nobody's there.

Hospital. Clark walks in and finds Lana in the same exam room where a nurse is pretending to care about her uninsured ass. Clark asks if she's all right. Lana says it's just a cut. However, according to Sheryl Crow, the first one is the deepest. Lana asks how Clark got there so fast. Clark takes forever to answer, finally saying that he was at The Daily Planet with Chloe. Lana ignores the lie and tells Clark that she was on her way to the library when a guy ran out in the street and got hit by her car. Lana lives in a dorm on campus. She needs to drive to a library? Lana tells Clark that she didn't even have time to brake. That's not really true. "I hit him full-on," Lana tells Clark. Well, don't gloat about it, jeez. Clark gets sad and says he's sorry. No, but it's cool! Really! Lana tells Clark the guy doesn't have a scratch on him. "Lana, who is this guy?" Clark asks. Do you have his phone number? Is he cute? Lana says that the dude was acting all jumpy and intense, "like somebody was after him." Act fast, Clark! I bet he's really cute! "What does he look like?" Clark asks. Ha! I was so right. But before Lana can start by saying, "Well, he was black," we cut away to another scene. Cowards.

Bionic Brother is disposing of his track suit in a trash bin. He's now wearing regular clothes and a yellow jacket that makes me think it's a shout-out to Pete. BB exits through the ambulance entrance. He watches his back as he gets out onto the street. A police car rolls by, its siren wailing. BB turns and goes in another direction. "Is that who's chasing you? The police?" Clark asks, suddenly appearing. Naw, just Stewart Copeland. "My God," Clark thinks, "he's fuckable!" "You got the wrong guy," Bionic Brother says. Clark must be so disappointed. Clark asks if he's the guy Clark's his girlfriend ran into with her SUV. "Girlfriend"? Are you fucking kidding me? BB asks if Clark wants an apology. Clark just wants answers. He asks how the guy walked away unhurt from being hit "full-on." "Milk," says BB. "It does a body good." Another Pete shout-out! This guy is better though; he makes the product placement sound pretty natural. "Victor? Victor Stone?" Clark asks. He suddenly recognizes the guy. Clark remembers BB as a wide receiver from Met High. Clark just wants to believe that the guy is a "wide receiver," if you know what I mean, and I think you do, but if you don't, I'll spell it out in three letters: "G-A-Y." Clark says he played for the Smallville Crows. "Kent...quarterback," Bionic Brother says. He compliments Clark on his arm. Hey, if you think that's nice.... Clark shakes his head and says he doesn't play anymore. BB bitterly says that he doesn't either. Clark says that's not surprising; he heard that Bionic Brother was dead. BB looks surprised. He says he's really sorry about Lana, but that there are places he doesn't want to be right now. "Catch ya later, Kent," he says. Clark tries to stop him by grabbing his elbow, but BB swings it, propelling Clark into the air. Clark sails thirty feet to crash into a tiled wall. Clark breaks up all the pretty blue tiles with his ass. BB goes over, concerned, but sees Clark get right up, neat as you please. Nobody else saw it, apparently. "What the hell are you made of?" BB asks. Clark says he was about to ask BB that. Clark squints really hard. Inside BB's body, Clark sees a bunch of metal components in x-ray vision. Neato! I think there's a GameBoy in there. BB asks what Clark is looking at. Clark looks a bit nauseated.

A phone rings at the Kent home. MamaKent answers. "Who are you? How did --" she says. We don't hear the person on the line. MamaKent tells the person that she doesn't think she can raise as much money as they're asking for. "All right, I'll be there," she says, and hangs up. MamaKent turns to see Papa Luthor standing past the screen of the open front door. He asks if he's early. He was supposed to be there at 11:30. MamaKent remembers that Papa was picking her up for a conference in Topeka. MamaKent lets him in. She tries to hide the DVD player back in the envelope as Papa Luthor says that she'd save a full day of travel if she'd agree to take his helicopter. And by "helicopter," he means...heh heh...probably just helicopter. He's not as dirty as we are. Papa says she doesn't have to if it would be a conflict of interest. MamaKent says that's not it; it's that something came up and she's going to have to reschedule. Papa Luthor notices the envelope on the table. He gives MamaKent a serious look and asks what's up. Papa tries to be overly nice, saying that, whatever's wrong, she can surely handle it. As he leaves, he offers her a ride or anything else she might need: "Please. Call me," he finishes, bathed in warm light from outside. MamaKent says she will. She looks at the envelope again with concern. Dramatic! But not really.

Commercials. My thoughts on Sonic's Diet Dr. Pepper commercial have officially been documented.

The Barnness of No Solitude Ever. Clark talks on the phone to Lana. He apologizes for leaving her at the hospital (he did? Dude!) and explains that "Victor" didn't really want to hang around. Boy, when the gay comes back, it really comes back like a lubed-up pink freight train, doesn't it? Clark tells Lana to stay in Metropolis while he figures things out, and that Chloe is coming to pick her up. (So why don't they just tell us that Nasty Nell and Chloe's dad Gabe both died so we won't have to wonder why it's friends and not parents who are always dealing with the hospitals and near-death experiences on this show?) Bionic Brother is up in the barn loft, waiting for Clark. BB is staring at the screen of Clark's laptop. "Newspapers got it wrong, huh?" Clark asks. "No, they didn't," BB answers. A newspaper headline reads, "Met High Receiver Dies in Car Crash," with a photo of BB smiling and wearing what appears to be a Dallas Cowboys jersey.

BB tells the sad story of how he was in the car with his family when they were in a horrific car accident in the middle of a snow storm. It was him, his sister, his mom: "My pops." BB may be one of the best guest stars this show has ever had, at least in terms of acting. "I should have died with them," BB says, sadly. Bionic Brother says that he passed out, expecting to see some angels the time he awoke. I get that same feeling all the time, only it's Victoria's Secret angels. Instead, he ended up with a bunch of "Cyntechnics Scientists." BB says that he was one of several dead guys pulled from accidents for experiments, but that he was the first one who survived. He says that if not for a doctor who helped him escape, he'd be more machine than man right now. Judging from Clark's full-body eye scan, it looks like that already happened. Clark asks if he's talking about all the metal in his body. BB gives him the stink-eye. He asks how Clark knows what's in him. Uh...very thorough eye exam? BB asks why Clark's not hurt after being tossed against that hospital wall. "You're not the only one who drinks a lot of milk," Clark says, giving him a look that is so wholesome, yet dirty (and which goes with a line that is similarly wholesome and dirty) that it is clearly the Gayest Look of the Episode. Have some milk, boys. BB asks if Clark is bionic, too. Clark says he's just "different." Differently able?

BB has questions, but apparently asking more about Clark isn't one of them. BB asks if Lana is all right with Clark being whatever he is. "Lana doesn't know," Clark says. BB brings up his girl, Katherine. He shows Clark a photo. "She's beautiful," Clark says. So...bi? Bionic Brother says that they were planning on getting married after high school. "Some wedding that'd be now," he says. Oh, like anyone can tell you're more Black & Decker than black. Clark asks if Katherine knows he's alive. "No," says BB, heartbroken. "I don't want to see her." He doesn't think she'd accept what happened to him: "How could she ever love a thing like me?" Some women like...you know...machinery. Clark -- also falling into the self-pity quicksand -- says that he's not the best person to ask about that. He hands back the photo. BB stares at it. He says it won't matter when the soldiers catch up with him. Clark offers some help in the form of his reporter friend, Chloe. Clark thinks they can get info on the bad guys and help get them off BB's back. "You'd do that for me?" Bionic Brother asks. Clark says that he has this thing about being experimented on in labs. He thinks it's so hot. Clark tells BB to sit tight while he goes to investigate. "Wide receiver." "Sit tight." Wow. They're laying it on thick here.

Daily Planet. Chloe and Lana are walking. Chloe asks Lana where BB rates on a scale from "1 to Taye Diggs." Lana rates him pretty highly. Chloe: "Tall, dark, and bionic. Think he likes blondes?" Clark ruins the party when he tells them, "His girlfriend's a brunette. Sorry." Way to dry a girl up, Clark. Lana asks if BB's girlfriend knows what happened. "No," Clark says awkwardly, and explains that BB is afraid of how she'll react. Lana, who has a little bump on her forehead, asks, "Well, what's he going to do -- keep lying to her and hope she doesn't notice how different he is?" Uh...awkward! Clark doesn't answer. Lana shoots him a dirty look. Chloe, at her computer, says that she's having little luck digging into Cyntechnic's corporate background, but that she found out their main project is called "Machina" and deals with prosthetics to replace damaged limbs. Clark says that BB's work is more extensive than that. "Who owns Cyntechnics?" Lana asks. Chloe hunts for that info. It's LuthorCorp, of course. Lana actually looks like she's surprised.

Lair of Lex. Clark comes in through the double doors. Security! "We need to talk," Clark says, dickishly. Lex, not even bothering to get up from his chair or to put away the papers he was reading, tells Clark that he needs to work on his entrance. Oh, for real, dude? I thought it was really forceful and butch. I'll come in again. Wait. Maybe I should stay here. Would that be a good acting choice? Lex says it's a bit abrupt. "What do you know about Cyntechnics?" Clark asks. Lex complains that this is what he means: no pleasantries, no small talk, just straight to the accusations. Come on, Clark. He wants foreplay! Clark says that he hasn't accused Lex of anything. Lex says that Clark's righteous tone says it all. He asks what he's supposed to have done this time. Clark says, "How about turning Victor Stone into a tin man without his consent?" Tin what? Lex asks smoothly if Clark means Victor Stone the football player who died in a car crash. Like Lex would ever know that otherwise. Clark says that's what Cyntechnics wanted everyone to believe. Lex suggests that Clark go badger them. Clark says that LuthorCorp bought them out seven months ago. Lex turns to lecture Clark that his company has bought or sold a hundred small companies in the last quarter alone. Clark asks if Lex doesn't know what goes on in his own company. Lex says that it's a multinational corporation, and that he delegates. Lex says that if somebody's doing something wrong, he'll take steps to "rectify" (dirty!) the situation. "So will I," Clark says. Awesome. A rectum pact. Or is that "packed"? Clark leaves angrily. No Hot Pockets, then?