Thoughts while watching Smallville tonight: "Huh? What? Oh, what the fuck ever, Smallville. I could be watching Jerry Rice dancing right now." In the episode we'll remember as "Chloe sees dead people," a pesky poltergeist entombed in the walls of The Talon with a Kryptonite bracelet on manages to possess Chloe, whom everyone thinks is crazy because she's seeing a dead girl. Chloe was on suicide watch because she slit her wrists at the beginning of the episode. Lex tries to send Chloe to Belle Reve for treatment, but Clark's not having it. It turns out the dead girl was killed in the same way (wrists slit to let out evil secrets) by a psycho orderly. Psycho Orderly tracks down Chloe and snags Lois Lane while he's at it. He holds the girls hostage in the prototypical Psycho Guy Basement (I think they rent those out now for all-day shoots) and, in a showdown, Ghost Girl possesses Psycho Orderly and he dies. I guess. I'll be honest, I was thinking about The Jive when that happened. Anyway, Clark and Lana are still telling each other that they're in love and can't communicate even though THEY'RE ON A FUCKING BREAK! Papa Luthor keeps making the moves on MamaKent and must be super-turned-on that she decides to accept DeadBo's state senate seat. After her basement terror, Chloe decides, on the advice of Clark, to go see her mother. She visits a mental health ward where she sees her mother (we never see her face). They hug. Go Jerry Rice!
This is my hundredth Smallville recap. I'm still trying to figure out which major character I'm going to kill off by the end of this recap.
It was a dark and sultry night. At The Talon. Very creepy music was playing as thunder cracked. I expected to hear The Monster Mash. Inside, upstairs in the apartment, Chloe is being a complete slob, for some reason. She's taking a shower and the leering camera pans across the floor, where her clothes and bra (so that's what holds up the Chloevage!) are lying. It's not so much sexy as cluttered. We know it's Chloe in the shower because we hear the grating sound of Lois Lane's voice saying, "The kettle's on, Chloe!" Get it off! It's hot! Lois suggests that a warm shower and chamomile will relax her. From the shower, Chloe thanks Lois and says that she feels better already. Chloe showers -- which, appropriately, involves lots of water. We see lightning flashing from outside.
Exterior shot of The Talon's marquee. Lightning hits the sign. Inside, scary lightning zaps the room's lamps and all the lights go off. Chloe turns off the water faucets, muttering, "Great. And my night is complete." Chloe puts on a bathrobe she found inside the shower somehow and complains that the lights probably aren't off in Metropolis. Well, look at you, Chloe Sullivan, with your big-city electrical ways. You make us country folk puke! Getting out of the shower, Chloe asks Lois where she keeps the candles. Lois tells Chloe that they're in the little cabinet, bottom drawer. Knowing what I do of Lois, I find it impossible to believe she's got enough sense to own a small cabinet, to own a candle, and to know where that candle is located in the event of a power outage. Chloe bends down and finds the wax and wick. She also finds one of those clicking automatic lighters. Once again, I call bullshit. Something whooshes ominously across the frame as scary music plays. Chloe pauses and turns. "Did I just have a cliché horror movie moment?" she wonders. Chloe walks over to the mirror and rubs the steam away with her hand. If it's light enough in the room to look in the mirror, why did she need a candle? Oh, I just figured it out. Chloe totally let one rip. Chloe goes, "Blech," as she tosses around her hair. She opens the mirror/medicine cabinet. Breast enlargement pills? What the...? Chloe grabs a brush and closes the mirror. A girl with big black spots painted under her eyes is in the mirror. Raccoon Girl! Raccoon Girl looks a bit like Fiona Apple. Chloe turns in alarm. Raccoon Girl extends her arms. Her wrists are covered in blood. This could be any teen girl who ever wrote on LiveJournal. "Help me," the girl says. Chloe screams, loudly. Oh, nice, Sullivan. Big help. Chloe has seen way scarier stuff than this. I'm not buying that a teenager with bad eye makeup would make her freak out like that.
On the other side of the door, Lois hears the scream. She walks into the unlocked bathroom wielding a flashlight. Lois flashes her light on Chloe, who is sitting on the floor, looking worried. "Help me!" Chloe whimpers. Lois? Really? That's whom you're going to for help? Good luck with that. The music amps up. Lightning flashes. The camera pans down from Chloe's face to her wrists. They are slit. We go straight from that to opening credits. Did Chloe think they were singing "somebody flay me"?
Commercials. One of our cats, Diego, looks exactly like an old Chinese man around the face. He's got long white whiskers and very wizened eyes. We sometimes call him "Mr. Chan." So whenever that Pepsi commercial with Jackie Chan comes on where Jay Mohr goes, "Mr. Chan!" I play it really loud so Diego can hear.
The chessboard tile of Smallville Medical Center, my old nemesis. Where were you, hospital, when Bo died? Where were you when Lana Lang pretend-died? It's all very suspicious, Smallville Medical Center. J'accuse! I'm keeping my eye on you. I guess I fucking have to. Clark walks in from remedial "Keeping it Interesting with your Acting Choices" class. He asks Lois about Chloe. She's standing to a very shady-looking guy with a dark sports jacket and a gray turtleneck. He's up to no good! In a lugubrious, yet turgid voice, the man to Chloe says that's just what they were trying to determine. "And you are...?" he asks Clark. A douche? An asshat? A Big, Dumb Alien? Really, Clark, you have so many options for an answer. Clark introduces himself. The man in the turtleneck says he's Dr. Seidel, but I hear it as "Slidell" and go listen to some Lucinda Williams for a little while. Lois says that Dr. Turtleneck is Chloe's psychiatrist. Well, he's doing a bang-up job. Lois, who had enough time to glop on some makeup, tells Clark that she found Chloe on the bathroom floor. She'd cut her wrists. "What?" Clark says. She said CHLOE CUT HER WRISTS! Lois guiltily says that she should have seen it coming. She says that Chloe hasn't been sleeping much, between classes and her shifts at The Daily Planet. Yeah, I was wondering how she was coping with those twenty-hour nights. "Is there any history of mantle illness?" the doctor purrs. Clark, go check Chloe's mantle for termites! Lois says there's no history of mental illness, and that if there were bats in the family belfry, she'd know. "Fine," says Dr. Turtleneck. Oh, it's so, so fine. He says that gives him somewhere to start. I don't think he's even listening. Dr. Turtleneck calls for an orderly. It's a cadaver that lives! These are the two creepiest guys I think we've ever seen together on the show. Clark asks the doctor why Chloe would to this to herself. Why don't you know, Clark? The doctor says it's a combination of family history, stress, and the loss of a loved one. I thought you just ruled out family history. "Sometimes," Turtleneck says, through liters of phlegm, "a person has a secret they feel they can't share." Like what the bad people did to the doctor's neck. He says that, whatever it is, he will uncover something. "And I'll treat it aggressively," he threatens. He's got lots of torture devices for whatever mental illness ails ya. Awkward stares. I think the scene's over, guys. You can relax.
Chloe's in a hospital bed. Clark walks in. Clark and Chloe "Hey" each other. Clark asks how she's doing. Post-suicidal? Chloe says she's feeling out of it. Chloe's on sedatives. Clark looks her over and asks, "So what happened?" They don't call him Supersensitive for nothing. Chloe thinks. "I don't know," she says. Clark tries to be a good friend, for once, and asks if she needs to talk about anything. Chloe smiles a bit and reiterates that she really doesn't know what happened. Chloe's wrists are bandaged up. She tells Clark that she was showering. The lights went out. And Nikki started to grind. Also, Chloe woke up on the floor bleeding. Nikki is rough like that. "Clark, I'm a writer," says Chloe. "If I was going to kill myself, I would leave one hell of a suicide note." ["If you're such a writer, you should know that you're talking about what you'd do if you were going to kill yourself, not 'was.' Good Grammar Costs Nothing!" -- Wing Chun] Clark chuckles. Suicide is funny. Chloe thinks that someone else was in the room with her. "Lois didn't see anyone," Clark says. Lois wasn't in the room. Clark says that the doctor asked about Chloe's family history. He asks if they should tell Turtleneck about Chloe's mother. "No," she says immediately. She steps over Clark's words to say that she doesn't want anyone thinking she's like her mother. She asks Clark not to say anything. Brooding music throbs as Clark says, "Yeah."
Kent kitchen. MamaKent has papers, a checkbook, a day planner, and Bo's bovine-'n-cowboy cup on the kitchen counter. These don't look at all like fun papers. It looks rainy as we rotate around and pan past the kitchen window. We settle at the kitchen door. Did someone order Magnificent Bastard for delivery? Is that like the Candygram that's actually a shark? Papa Luthor taps on the door glass. Papa sticks his head in the doorway and says that he was on his way back to Metropolis and wanted to check in and see how MamaKent was doing. "I do have a front door," MamaKent says. Dirty! "time I'll, uh, come to the front!" Papa Luthor says brightly as he steps inside. Ooh, "time." This guy is smooth. MamaKent nods, trying to act annoyed as she says, "Maybe you should call first." Not so smoothly, she drops a stack of papers from the counter and onto the floor. "Eh. Let me help you," Papa Luthor says as he bends down to pick up papers, and reads, "Budget. Fiscal projections. Public works." Ooh, $25,000 Pyramid time: "Things Omar's brain can't process." Papa says those are all things a state senator would need to know about. What about bribery? Corn futures? Expensing trips to Maui? Papa asks whether MamaKent is considering taking Bo Duke's senate seat. MamaKent says she doesn't know, and that it's complicated. The seat has hinges, hydraulics, and fancy leather. With great gravity, Papa says he knows how hard it is to regain a sense of normalcy when someone you love has died. It also doesn't help when men come over through the back door to remind you about it all the time. MamaKent gulps, trying to maintain her composure. Papa Luthor tells her that it does get easier; MamaKent just has to give herself time. Howabout you give her time? All up in her grill! Back that shit up, playa! MamaKent, strangely, gives Papa Luthor a shy little look. Papa decides that his macking work here is done. He walks out without another word while MamaKent thinks. Bo's mug is deeply ashamed of MamaKent. The cream in her coffee curdles.
Chloe's scary hospital room. Funky noises. Hey, it's The Others from Lost! "Help me, please!" we hear a girl whisper, as we hear sounds like a very small train passing. Chloe wakes up. We see a fluorescent light flashing on and off through the open door to the bathroom. Chloe disconnects the tube to her IV and rises out of bed. Crazy overhead shot. Those are some high ceilings for a hospital. Chloe walks slowly toward the bathroom as the crazy cacophony continues. Chloe enters the bathroom. "Hello?" she asks. The lights flicker off. Come back on. Flicker off. Come back -- RACCOON GIRL! Chloe jumps and yelps. Someone touches Chloe's back. Chloe spins. It's Lana. ACCK! That's even scarier. Chloe is breathing fast and looking around. Lana says that she got here as fast as she could, and asks if Chloe is all right. Chloe goes nutty. She asks about the girl who was just here. Chloe sees footprints made of blood across the tile. "My God. There's so much blood," Chloe whispers. Lana watches Chloe pad across the floor, on which there are no bloody footprints, and tries to get Chloe back to bed. Chloe says she has to find "her." She just saw her.
Chloe walks out to the hallway. She runs right into Dr. Turtleneck, who has dispensed with the turtleneck. I refrain from calling him Dr. Open Collar. Chloe tries to explain the situation in rapid-fire Gilmore Girls-style dialogue, and the doctor keeps making little assurances that he's listening even though he's totally not. Turtleneck and the creepy orderly push Chloe back to the room and onto the bed. It's time for electroshock treatment! Turtleneck, calm and cool, calls for a nurse as they grab Chloe's arms and hold her down. A little close to grabbing Chloe's fresh wrist wounds aren't we, doctor? Chloe begs for them to listen and yells, "No!" as she sees a nurse arrive with a needle. "She needs our help!" Chloe cries as we pan away from the injection. The camera settles on Lana, in the doorway, because it's all about her. A doctor with his arms crossed in the background observes. Mmm, that's good sedation. "Make them listen, Lana!" Chloe screams from inside the room. The creepy strings rise as we hit a hard blackout.
Commercials. Victoria's Secret? Oh, crap, I forgot to get a Valentine's Day gift! For Adriana Lima! Be right back.
Lair of Lex. I don't know if those curved maroon chairs in front of his desk are new, but I know I like them. Lex is wearing a casual long-sleeved shirt, and is talking on the phone at his desk. He asks someone how hard it is to find a college professor in a dirt state. Is "dirt state" like a state of being dead and buried? Is that like a "dirt nap"? He tells the person on the phone that he wants Professor SoFine located, or else the person on the phone will be missing. Lana appears in the doorway of the large double doors. Lex hangs up the phone. "Lana," he says. Ya think? On this show? Lex senses that something is wrong. Lana, hands dug into her pockets, tells Lex that Chloe is in the hospital; she says that Chloe tried to kill herself. Lex takes a tiny moment to wonder if that would help or hurt him, then looks concerned and asks if she's all right. Lana's not really sure. I think that, after the last scene, the correct answer would be, "No. She's really not." Lana says that Chloe was talking crazy, and that they sedated her. "Who's her doctor?" Lex asks. Everyone on this show should be on a first-name basis with every doctor in the state of Kansas by now. Lana says that it's some psychiatrist at the medical center. She says that's why she came to visit Lex: she's wondering if the doctors at Belle Reve really helped Lex when he was staying there. Lex thinks about that. "I'll make the call," he says. Junior-level evil! Lex says that Chloe will have the best doctors this side of Vienna helping her. I'm sure they'd settle for the best doctors this side of Tennessee. Lana thanks Lex for the help. Wow, it's awesome that Lana and Lex get to decide Chloe's course of medical treatment, not her doctor or her damn father.
Chloe is in a more sealed-off medical area now. Clark watches her through a small window in the door. These medical patients don't care that anyone can just walk by and watch them in their thin little hospital gowns? We get the reverse angle of Clark from inside the room. Lex walks up behind Clark. Man, how many episodes has it been since these two guys saw each other? Ooh, post-breakup. "Lex, what are you doing here?" Clark asks. Lex plays the jealousy card, starting off by saying that Lana came to see him. Clark thanks Lex for coming by, but says that they have things under control. Wow, that's a complete lie, because they really, really don't. Lex besmirches the good name of the medical center and says that if Chloe sprained something, maybe they could handle it, but that complete and utter bugfuckery requires a more delicate touch. Lex says that Chloe will get the best care available. "You're going to transfer her?" Clark says angrily, stepping forward. Lex steps past Clark to look through the window. He says that a helicopter is en route to take Chloe to Belle Reve. Clark, alarmed, says that Chloe doesn't belong there. "Lana thinks so," Lex tells him. Lex turns and says, rationally, that it must be hard for Clark to see the person he trusts most in the world like this. Lex puts a hand on Clark's shoulder and reassures him with the old warm-eyes. It's the Gayest Look of the Episode. Lex promises that they'll take good care of Chloe. Thunderous music, then actual thunder plays as Clark watches Chloe. It's a bit much.
The thunder must have been the sound of Clark's stupidity. He's laying Chloe down in a bed at The Talon. Lois asks Clark what he's doing. Couldn't he at least have put clothes on Chloe first? Clark explains to Lois that Lex was going to transfer Chloe to Belle Reve. Lois suggests that that may be what Chloe needs. Clark snaps that Lois doesn't know what goes on there, and asks if they really want doctors poking around inside Chloe's head. "If it makes her feel better, I don't care if Daffy Duck whacks her with a mallet!" Lois says. Just when I thought Lois couldn't get any dumber... Chloe groggily sits up in bed: "Hey, guys. I'm drugged. Not deaf." Chloe says she's thirsty. Clark offers to get water, but she really wants a cappuccino to "clear the cobwebs." Lois goes to make a double. Before she does, she tells Clark not to do anything ridiculous while she's gone.
Clark smirks at Lois, and tells Chloe that they're all worried about her. Chloe rolls her eyes and says she knows what she saw. She says, very deliberately, that she didn't imagine things, and that she didn't hurt herself; she says she wouldn't do that. "I'm not my mother," Chloe says, very seriously. Clark takes her hand and says he knows. Just then, the whooshing sound returns, and Raccoon Girl is asking for help again. I think she should think about a Free and Clear calling plan. Chloe asks if Clark heard that. "Heard what?" Clark asks. He can't hear, even with the superhearing? Use your cochlear ocular whatsit, Clark! Raccoon Girl appears to Clark, and the way it's filmed uses that stuttery black-and-white grain like in The Ring. Guess what Raccoon Girl wants. Help. I can identify. Chloe is startled. Clark just looks at Chloe sadly. You poor, crazy bastard.
Chloe gets out of bed and runs to the bathroom. Raccoon Girl is floating backward toward the sink. She slides through it and the wall in a flash of light. Chloe runs to the mirror. It seems that she's the fairest one of them all. Clark, in the doorway, calls Chloe's name. "She's in the wall," Chloe tells him. "Who?" Clark asks. Chloe says that they have to help her. Clark, condescendingly, says that they'll get the girl out of the wall. Chloe spins him and begs him to believe her, insisting that she's not crazy. People never sound crazier then when they're screaming that they're not crazy. Chloe asks Clark to please just look. Clark reluctantly uses his x-ray vision on the wall. There's a skeleton inside. "Oh my God," Clark says. It would be hilarious if he followed that with, "The plumbing work in here is terrible!" Clark punches through the mirror and pulls out a huge chunk of wall. By luck, he doesn't pound the skull into dust. The skeleton looks awfully old and desiccated. Clark winces. The skeleton has a bracelet on it with a large, round Kryptonite jewel. Clark backs away, nauseated, out the door. Chloe slowly turns and faces down the corpse. She reaches out and touches the bracelet. It glows brightly, and then Chloe is engulfed in green-white light. Possession is nine-tenths of the law on this show, apparently.
Clark is on the phone outside the room. "Yes, it's in the wall," Clark is saying. "No, I don't know how long its been there. No, this is not a prank!" I bet I can recreate the other half of that conversation to a remarkable degree of accuracy: "It's in the wall? Well, how long has it been there? Is this a prank? Is this that gay farmboy? Shouldn't you be at the medical center?" And then Clark goes, "Yaaaaaaay!" over and over. Clark barks at whoever he's talking to, demanding that he or she send the sheriff over. Who is the new sheriff? Lois comes in. She asks what Clark did this time. "Holy crap," she says as she sees the corpse in the bathroom. Chloe stares at Lois with Raccoon Girl's vacant look. Lois asks if she's all right. "Yeah," Chloe says. Her mouth twitches. The camera pans around Chloe until we see her in a mirror. Ghostly Raccoon Girl is in the reflection. "I feel much better now," she says. Chloe smiles. Her mouth twitches. The power of Christ compels you! To buy some shit!
Commercials. I like that we live in a time when a download of a Wynton Marsalis song gets its own commercial.
If you're just joining us, Kryptonite + ghosts do not make a great episode.
Kent Farm at night. In Clark's seldom-seen bedroom (the one that's actually inside the house), Clark is telling Chloe that maybe she didn't imagine things, and that it's an actual spirit trying to contact her. Chloe, still possessed, is fidgeting with her lip. Raccoon Chloe says that when the lightning hit the Talon, it must have "jump-started her body." But not this episode. Clark bitterly mentions the Kryptonite bracelet. "Yeah, the Krypto thing," Raccoon Chloe says, all shifty eyes. She commiserates with herself, kvetching about that poor girl, trapped in the wall. Clark says he hopes she didn't suffer. "Oh, I think she did," Raccoon Chloe says defensively. "A lot." She sips what looks like grape juice and really, really enjoys it. Clark eyes her suspiciously and says that she should get rest. Raccoon Chloe doesn't want rest; she wants to find "him." Clark asks whom she means. Raccoon Chloe: "The man who did this. He needs to suffer like she did." Yeah, Clark doesn't exactly have Spidey Sense. You're really going to have to spell it out for him. More mouth fidgeting. Clark sighs and suggests that she go to sleep, saying they'll talk about this in the morning. Raccoon Chloe waits for Clark to leave, and then goes through Chloe's stuff to find her ID cards.
At the Kent home, Lois is telling Clark that the girl's name was Gretchen and that the police haven't produced any leads: "The new sheriff's a little green. Literally." Huh? I really think they're intentionally writing awful dialogue for her. Clark suggests that they go tell Chloe what Lois just learned -- that other girls were found. Clark goes into his bedroom and finds Raccoon Chloe gone. "Where'd she go?" Lois asks.
She went to the scene, at the Metropolis University dorm. Lana, fully clothed, is lying in bed. Raccoon Chloe is going through Chloe's chest of drawers. She's being pretty loud for someone trying not to wake Lana. Lana stirs just as Raccoon Chloe finds a stun gun with a wicked electrical beam. Lana calls Chloe's name. "Hey roomie," Raccoon Chloe says flatly. Raccoon Chloe says she was just out doing some stuff. She asks if she can borrow the stun gun. "That's yours," Lana informs her. Raccoon Chloe chuckles and says she has some pretty cool stuff. Chloe tries to take off. She makes it just outside the door before she runs right into Lex. "Where do you think you're going?" Lex asks. Raccoon Chloe wonders why everyone's asking her that. Chloe tries to get away, but Lex tells her that she needs help. Raccoon Chloe tells Lex to get out of the way. He refuses. She stuns him through his clothes. Lex grunts and falls over. Lana tries to help him as Raccoon Chloe gives them the slip. Clark rounds the corner, and I can't figure out how he just missed seeing Raccoon Chloe. He must have his powers set to Mute. He sees Lana and Lex on the floor and gets the jealous eye. "What happened?" he asks, stiffly. Lex asks Clark how Chloe got out of her hospital restraints. Clark ignores the question and asks where Chloe went. Lana says that Chloe was acting like a different person. Lex, a little pissy, says that Chloe is out there with a weapon when she should be getting help. "Nice work," he tells Clark. I think Lex is falling in line with the Big, Dumb Alien camp.
Talon. Lois, having just read a book on exorcism and cleansing rituals, is waving a burning roll of sage around the room as she snarks at Clark on the phone for not letting Chloe stay in the hospital in the first place. She turns just in time to see that the creepy orderly is there. He looks even creepier now that he's wearing a gray hoodie. Lois tries to figure out where she knows him. She calls him a nurse by accident. "'Nurse' is a whole other thing," he explains. She should have just said "corpse-looking guy." Lois apologizes for her smoking sage, and says she's trying to do a little aura cleansing. Yeah, auras are a whole other thing, too, Lois. The Disorderly asks if Chloe's around. Lois wonders when orderlies started making house calls. Disorderly says that Chloe seemed sweet, and that he wanted to make sure she got help before something bad happened. Lois says she'll call Dr. Turtleneck if she hears from Chloe. Disorderly hovers creepily. Lois asks what he's looking at. He tells Lois that his dad used to run the Talon when it was a theater, and that it's been about ten years since he's been there. Lois tries to get him to leave. Disorderly asks Lois to tell Chloe he stopped by. Creeeeeepy Man! Lois calls someone. If it's Clark, he's not answering. Lois is attacked from behind. Disorderly uses the old chloroform trick and struggles with Lois as she drops the phone. On the phone, we hear as someone from the sheriff's department answers. Lois is unconscious on the floor. I'm no advocate for kidnapping, but at least it shut her up.
Dark and stormy night at what looks like a haunted house. Raccoon Chloe opens a creaky gate and enters a yard as the rain pours down. Something howls in the distance. Lightning flashes. Raccoon Chloe approaches the front door of this house. She knocks and fiddles with her lips. Disorderly answers. Raccoon Chloe says she didn't know where else to go. Huh? She asks for help. Disorderly lets her inside. He looks outside menacingly to make sure nobody saw his...heh heh..."guest" enter.
Inside, Disorderly tries to reassure Chloe that things will be all right. Raccoon Chloe, still with the lip thing, asks if he'll help her the way he helped Gretchen. Disorderly blinks and goes, "Who?" Raccoon Chloe starts to lose it as she describes how he used to be so nice to Gretchen. He gave her a bracelet and listened to all her problems. Then, she says, he told Gretchen his problems and it made her sick. Allison Mack pretty much rocks this scene. Too bad it's such a silly storyline. Disorderly just stares. Raccoon Chloe cries as she says that Gretchen tried to get away, but that Disorderly used a knife. He asks how she could know that: "No one can." "Except you and Gretchen," says Raccoon Chloe. "She didn't deserve to die like that you son of a bitch!" Disorderly tries to convince Chloe that she's crazy with all this accusatory talk. He tells her not to worry. He can help. In hell! He grabs her roughly and pushes her against a wall in the hallway. He whispers that it's going to hurt just a little bit. "This is gonna hurt a lot," Raccoon Chloe says. She whips out the stun gun and affixes it to his neck. Much grunting. Disorderly falls. Raccoon Chloe grabs a handy heavy-looking tchotchke and starts whacking Disorderly about the head. What stops her is hearing Lois call out, "Help me!" Chloe drops the heavy item and goes down to a scary basement. The frightful music intensifies. Jame Gumb? Is that you? Raccoon Chloe finds Lois tied up in a chair. Lois seems pretty calm. She explains that the orderly is the one who killed the girl in the wall. Raccoon Chloe says she knows. She promises that he won't hurt anyone again. "Chloe!" Lois yells, but it's too late. Disorderly is there, and punches Chloe right across the mouth. She spins and falls like in a cartoon. "Time for your treatment, ladies," Disorderly says. He's got a pretty severe wound on his head.
Commercials. Why does T-Mobile do its cell-phone experiments in the squirrel room from Charlie And The Chocolate Factory?
More basement non-fun. Now Lois and Chloe are both tied up. Disorderly asks Raccoon Chloe if it hurts, and if she wants to do something wrong to herself even though she deserves it. Huh? I know you're crazy, man, but make some fucking sense. Raccoon Chloe tells Disorderly to let "them" go. He looks over at Lois. "'Them'?" he asks. He takes it as a sign that she's disassociated and even more screwed up than he is. He makes a creepy speech about things beneath the skin that he can help stop. Lois yells at him to get away from Chloe. He tells Lois that he's just trying to help Chloe before she ends up in an asylum like her mother. "Her mother?" Lois asks, suddenly believing what the crazy guy is telling her. Disorderly says he knows this just like he knows lots of squirmy things about his girls. He goes over to a case full of diabolical blades and other weapons. There's a Kryptonite bracelet in there. He takes it out as he says that his father used to make that jewelry. He says that, while he made the bracelets, he'd tell the boy secrets about his mother. Eyes downcast, Disorderly says that his mother wasn't a very nice person. Raccoon Chloe struggles against her ropes as Disorderly says that his father loved his mom anyway, and helped her to be at peace. In hell. Disorderly says that he helps his girls, too. He slips the bracelet onto the whimpering Raccoon Chloe. Raccoon Chloe spits in his face. Not cool. Lois doesn't know what to think of any of this. Disorderly goes and gets a large blade. He points it at Raccoon Chloe. Then at Lois. Lois starts to shake and be scared, too. Man, I'm so tired of this scene. Lois screams as Disorderly cuts one of her ropes. He tells Lois to take his knife. Shaking, she does. He tells her to slit her own wrists. "Screw you, shorty," she says. He wants her to slit her wrists to release all her secrets. See how that works? He says that she can be at peace just like all the rest. He says that she can do that, or he'll shoot Raccoon Chloe. He busts out a gun and points it at her. Wow, that really defeats the whole love-secrets-slashing thing, huh? This guy really doesn't seem to plan these out very well. But then, who's the bigger loser? I'm here trying to make sense of this bullshit. Disorderly yells for Lois to "do it!" The dramatic music is way, way too loud.
Full moon outside. We're actually in Metropolis, where Clark is inside The Daily Planet. They just let him in on his own now? He's reading a story on a computer screen with the headline, "Smallville Mourns Missing Teen." Clark purses his lips and narrows his brows as he angrily reads the newspaper. A close-up of a vigil photo shows creepy Disorderly standing there holding a candle, looking shady. Clark clicks a bookmark that reads, "Employee profile" and it somehow magically takes him to a dossier of the orderly from Kansas Regional Health Care. Boy, it's like Magic Google! Sure, you could say that this is just one of the pages that Clark has been sitting here meticulously researching, but you'd also give Clark way too much credit for doing all of this without Chloe. Clark stares at Disorderly's home address. He zips out of there.
Disorderly's house. He still wants Lois to slit her wrists, or else her cousin's face "won't be so pretty anymore." Dude, we get it. Can we just get through this? Lois acts like she's going to cut her hand, but then goes, "HAGGH!" and throws the knife at Disorderly. We follow the knife's flight in slow motion until it lands in his chest. Gunk! Apparently he can't pick up the gun with his other hand. He kicks Lois's chair over, knocking her back. That's all it takes to make Lois fall unconscious. Disorderly moans as he pulls the knife out of his chest. He yells, asking if all the women in Chloe's family are crazy. Ha. Looking like he got his feelings hurt, Disorderly raises the knife to go stab Lois. "No, no!" Raccoon Chloe yells. The knife glows orange as something from the other side of the room hits it. It's Clark with his eyejaculation. Clark zips in to grab Disorderly, but Chloe's wrist bracelet glows. Disorderly takes the advantage and punches Clark. Clark the Wuss falls down. Disorderly comes at Raccoon Chloe, about to stab her. She repeatedly calls him "Mikey" to try to calm him down. He's like, "Whaaaaa?" She reminds him that his dad used to call him Little Mikey and he hated it. Especially since his name was Tom. He asks how she knows so much. Raccoon Chloe says that she knows all his secrets. She tells him she's Gretchen. Oh, snap! She tells "Mikey" that she needs him. She asks him to take away all her secrets and to make it stop hurting like he did before. Dude, this is some fucked-up shit right here. "Anything for my girl," he says, happily. She whimpers. Clark? Wanna take this one? No? All right, then. Disorderly leans in with the knife. Raccoon Chloe got a hand loose somehow and sticks the bracelet's jewel in Disorderly's neck. He glows all green. He falls back. "No! What are you doing?" he asks himself. So, apparently, Gretchen is now in his body, forcing him to stab himself. Lame, lame, lame. He asks her to stop. He glows really bright. The spirit of Raccoon Girl leaves his body and appears in the air as a young girl's face. It is slightly less Raccoonish. Chloe stares at the girl's image before it glows and disappears. Chloe is crying. So, I guess Disorderly is...dead, then? Nice. Lois wakes up. Clark wakes up. I want to go to sleep. Lois unties Chloe's other hand. Clark, late for the party, asks what happened. Uh, you totally fucking choked, that's what happened. Douche. Chloe, crying, gets up. She says that Gretchen got what she came back for. Lois pretends to know what the fuck is going on, but there's no way she does.
Commercials. Woo, a snowboarding commercial! That totally goes with what we were just watching!
Crapilogue. It's the barn. With Clark and Lana. Just...just kill me. Please. Do it quickly. Back of the head. But first, tell me about the rabbits. Stick a Kryptonite bracelet in my neck or something. "Hey!" Lana says as she walks toward Clark. He "hey"s her back. "Chloe told me what happened," she says. That must have been a fun conversation. What did you guys tell the doctor? Or the police? Clark asks how Chloe's doing. Lana says she's fine, considering that she was possessed and almost chopped up by a psychotic orderly. Clark asks Lana why she went to Lex. She asks him why he didn't tell her he broke Chloe out of the Psych ward. You two? On a break! Just...stop talking. You know that moment when it just stops being fun being a couple for months at a time? That means you shouldn't be a couple anymore. Lana tells Clark that they should come together because that's what couples do when these things happen. You mean when a Kryptonite bracelet makes a ghost possess your friend and get tied up in a basement? Yes, that's something every couple has to face. Clark asks why they didn't do that. "I love you," Lana says. BREAK! You're on a break! That you requested! Gaaaah! Lana says that she loves Clark with all her heart, but that she doesn't know how to talk to him anymore. Why not stop trying? Clark moves his mouth, but doesn't say anything. He forgot how to talk, too. "I guess we all have our secrets," Lana says. For the forty billionth time. I'm going to make a macro for recapping barn scenes because they're all the fucking same.
Kent home. MamaKent is on the couch. She asks how the tractor's coming. Clark thinks he's got it working. He says he's not as handy with a set of tools as Bo Duke was. Nor with a platitude. Or the cows. They're all sexually frustrated and lonely now. "There's an awful lot of your father in you," MamaKent says. Yeah. Awful. "I hope so," Clark says. Clark sees some of the papers MamaKent is examining. He asks if she understands all that stuff. MamaKent reminds him that she was a "corporate animal" once. Rrowwwr. Clark says that's not hard to believe. He thinks she can do whatever she sets her mind to. Maybe he does have the gift of platitude! Clark tells MamaKent that she should take the senate seat. MamaKent shakes her head and says she can't. She worries that she can't run the farm and be in the senate. Clark says that he can take over the farm. He's just going to need some topseed. And...uh...grain hops. And what's that stuff you put in the ground? Cornmeal? Flax? Barleys? Don't you worry, Ma. Clark plays the Bo card, saying says it's what Bo would have wanted. "I never was one to disappoint a Kent boy," MamaKent says. I sure hope that that line didn't have any dirty implications because...ugh. Smiles all around. MamaKent looks excited all of a sudden. The senate! Woo!
Once again, the recycledDaily Planethelicopter flyover shot. A newspaper headline reads, "Smalllville serial killer commits suicide." Huh. I guess he sorta did. Chloe is holding the newspaper. She complains to Clark that Ted Bittleman wrote it, and that she can't even get a byline when she's in the story. Never mind that it would be wrong if she did. Clark says he's glad she's not part of the obits. "Or wearing a straitjacket at Belle Reve," Chloe adds. Clark says that he'd never let that happen. He gives Chloe a cheeky smile. Chloe confesses that she had a few moments when she really thought she was losing her mind. She wonders why Gretchen chose her to appear to. Clark thinks it's because Chloe cares more about other people than anyone else he knows. Chloe jokes that maybe it's because she's really like her mother after all. It's not that funny. Clark asks what exactly is wrong with Chloe's mother. Chloe looks sad as she thinks about it. "I don't know," she says, finally. She says that her mom left when she was twelve (wrong), and that it was before... "I don't know," Chloe says, interrupting herself. Clark asks if Chloe knows where her mother is. Chloe does. She looks like she's about to cry. Clark asks why Chloe hasn't gone to see her. Chloe says she's afraid to look into her mother's eyes and see herself. Clark says that if Chloe waits too long, she might not be able to look into her eyes at all. Chloe grimaces. Clark: "It's your mother. She always will be. That's not going to change no matter what." The platitude torch burns as brightly as the one at the Olympics. Chloe nods. She types something into her desk computer. Shakes her head. Clark thinks about orange rinds.
A very official-looking institutional building. Chloe is walking up a set of stairs. She signs in at a security desk. We see patients in a mental health care facility. Some are painting. Others are being wheeled around. It's a very large, clean-looking room. Sad music plays. Chloe sees a woman standing by a window with her back to us. The camera faces Chloe as she walks toward us. Chloe walks past tables and approaches the woman, who has dirty-blonde hair and is wearing a long white robe. Chloe takes a deep breath. She walks around the woman to face her. "Mom?" she says quietly. The woman puts her hand on Chloe's cheek. Chloe closes her eyes and cries. She hugs her mom. Chloe sobs as the camera pulls back, never revealing Mom's face. We go to black. What a very nice ending to a very sucky episode.