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A former Metropolis Sharks football player presumed dead in a car accident that claimed the rest of his family is miraculously brought back to life -- with a lot of futuristic metals inside of him. He's cute. He's pining for the girl he left behind. He's Bionic Brother. And, against all odds, the dude can act. BB escapes from the evil lab that made him and smacks right into Lana's car, totaling it. (It's all right. She's from Metropolis. They crash cars there just for fun.) Clark -- who just made a new friend with this powerful "Cyborg" -- tries to help, and tracks back the evil lab to LuthorCorp. Lex denies involvement, but he's totally behind the whole thing and wants to do even more awful things to the poor Robojock. Clark helps Bionic Brother escape the lab after BB is taken prisoner again when they threaten his old girlfriend. Then Clark says some things to Lex that don't seem all that threatening, but somehow magically get him to back off anyway. BB gets to rock all night with his old girlfriend, who doesn't mind that he's made almost entirely of metal (hey, she might even like it), while Lana and Clark go all shmoopy at each other about their "glory days" -- which, as we all know, weren't all that glorious. Meanwhile, Papa Luthor concocts an elaborate (or at least elaborate if you don't know it's happening) scheme to make MamaKent believe that she's being blackmailed. Or maybe she is being blackmailed. Who knows. Either way, Papa Luthor gets rid of the blackmailer by paying him off, earns MamaKent's trust some more, and has in his possession surveillance tape of Clark saving Lana from one of those episode-ending explosions. The Magnificent Bastard, it seems, is about to make some magnificent moves. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Ooh, a gadget room. It's like my office closet. We open on a dark room, one with hanging machinery and a guy held up like he's posing for a sacrilegious piece of art. Florescent lights come up, revealing the room to be a made up of lit squares. You could shoot a killer rap video here. A man in a white lab coat walks by a hanging prosthetic arm and a hanging Terminator metal arm. He goes to a flat-panel display and presses his thumb against the screen. A scanner recognizes the print as belonging to a Dr. Hong. Hong punches in the code "246," causing a high-tech fence made of what appears to be curved chicken wire to open, revealing a young black man held up in shackles and wearing a blue track suit with purple on the sides. The young man is asleep. Hong -- a young scientist with big glasses -- is holding one of those industrial trigger needles you only see people inject into athletes in movies. He pokes the guy we'll come to know as Bionic Brother in the neck with the thing, injecting him with an amber liquid. BB wakes up and looks at Dr. Hong. Hong says he's sorry for what they did to him. You mean shackling a brother up, or was there something else? Bionic looks at Hong like he's not exactly sure what he means. Hong presses a button. It buzzes, and the wrist restraints open. "This was all I could save," Hong says. He hands over a 4 x 6 photo to Bionic Brother. As BB looks at the picture, we can see from the translucence that it's a photo of a young woman. BB stares at the photo, then looks at Hong. "Thank you," he tells the doctor. BB steps forward, and a cable that was sticking into the back of his neck gets unplugged. The lights flash, the color of the walls goes purple, and an alarm sounds. The camera spins around them as Hong tells Bionic Brother, "Get out!" No, you get out, I'm serious! John was totally checking you out! A really smarmy-looking guy in a suit runs into the room, accompanied by a soldier, just as Bionic Brother is running out. "Stop him! Aim for the shoulder!" the Suit yells. The soldier aims an Xbox-green beam from a machine gun. But Bionic Brother has already rounded the corner to another room. The soldier pursues. Scientific Suit tells no one in particular to seal the building because he needs BB alive. Dr. Hong is like, "I hope you're not talking to me, because if you are, then you've got the wrong Hong."
In a Kubrickian hallway of what look like painted-white storage units, Bionic Brother is hauling ass. Bionic ass. Two soldiers are in pursuit. Action music plays as BB tries to figure out which way to go. I think he's running back and forth down the same hallway. One of the soldiers fires his rifle, and it makes a little whining sound before shooting a plasma blast that explodes against a far wall, barely missing BB. He runs some more. The soldiers run some more. They enter a warehouse setting right out of Flashdance. More soldiers have entered the fray. Bionic Brother makes it outside and navigates a catwalk, then a downward ramp leading to some very heavy-looking double doors. The scientist -- who must have been magically transported to catch up with the fast-moving soldiers -- gets to the door right behind his henchmen. The metal double doors have been completely bent out of shape as Bionic Brother just tore right through them. Scientific Suit, surprised, tells his troops to sweep the area. Wouldn't that be a job for housekeeping? "I want him back in his cage," Scientist Suit says. If your interior monologue is primarily evil in intent, you should really keep it to yourself.
The gray-filtered streets of Metropolis. It looks rainy and cold. Lana is doing exactly what you'd picture her doing in Metropolis: driving her maroon SUV, listening to whiny, strummy alt-rock on the radio, and sipping from a generic coffee cup with the word "LATTE" on it. It's just too perfect. Until she slams on the brakes as she sees a young black man in the road. He holds up his hands. The SUV slams into him. The SUV loses. Much as would happen if Clark did this, Bionic Brother's body causes the SUV to cleave in two as it hits him. All the windows break. The camera zooms through the broken windshield for a close shot of BB's face. He's unhurt. Lana, though, has a big gash on her forehead that will never be seen again or ruin her perfect complexion. We knew she couldn't avoid that inevitable accident for long. Is this fate trying to reassert itself? Lana and BB make eye contact. The camera pulls up to show the ruined front of the truck that folded all around Bionic Brother.
Opening credits. According to our friends at Kryptonsite, John Schneider will be in the credits through the rest of the season.
Commercials. "Mr. Chan!" Also, I'm not sure the moviemakers really understood their own title when they called it Final Destination.
Metropolis General Hospital. Even when we're not in Smallville, I'm still going to be recapping hospital scenes. Instead of being treated by doctors, Lana is led into an exam room by Bionic Brother. She's holding some napkins to her bleeding, gashed head, which will be fine in a short time. Instead of trying to figure out how to keep some brains in her head, Lana is wondering how the guy could have survived being hit at 30 mph: "You should be dead." Nice way to treat your new friend! "It won't be the first time," BB says. Lana ask who he is. BB: "Nobody you want to know. Trust me." Yeah, you can start talking like a person and not an action movie cliché now, all right? Lana tries to ask more questions. BB shuts her up by saying that he's sorry about her car, but that he's gotta get the hell out of here. He opens a door and does just that. Lana opens her phone and makes a call, instead of seeking medical attention. "Clark," she says into the phone, "I need your help." Isn't Clark the guy you sorta broke up with? Just checking.
A close-up of the very uncluttered front page of the Smallville Ledger. The top headline reads, "Widow to take senate seat. Martha Kent assumes her husband's senate position." A dek reads, "A new Kent for senate." Wow, I sure hope they don't have to write three headlines for every single story. I guess the paper is free and undated, because neither of those bits of information is on the page. MamaKent, in the Kent kitchen, takes a deep breath. She can't believe it's a real newspaper either. She hears something outside. Stepping out the front door, MamaKent finds a manila envelope, the words "MARTHA KENT" on it, lying on the porch. The text is printed in block letters on a sheet of paper, then cut out and taped to the envelope. It's pretty thick. MamaKent takes the package inside as mystery music plays. Inside the envelope, she finds a portable DVD player. MamaKent opens it and presses play. It's a scene from the spaceship warehouse. Lana is lying on the ground. MamaKent takes a sharp exhale. She looks around the room, but nobody's there.
Hospital. Clark walks in and finds Lana in the same exam room where a nurse is pretending to care about her uninsured ass. Clark asks if she's all right. Lana says it's just a cut. However, according to Sheryl Crow, the first one is the deepest. Lana asks how Clark got there so fast. Clark takes forever to answer, finally saying that he was at The Daily Planet with Chloe. Lana ignores the lie and tells Clark that she was on her way to the library when a guy ran out in the street and got hit by her car. Lana lives in a dorm on campus. She needs to drive to a library? Lana tells Clark that she didn't even have time to brake. That's not really true. "I hit him full-on," Lana tells Clark. Well, don't gloat about it, jeez. Clark gets sad and says he's sorry. No, but it's cool! Really! Lana tells Clark the guy doesn't have a scratch on him. "Lana, who is this guy?" Clark asks. Do you have his phone number? Is he cute? Lana says that the dude was acting all jumpy and intense, "like somebody was after him." Act fast, Clark! I bet he's really cute! "What does he look like?" Clark asks. Ha! I was so right. But before Lana can start by saying, "Well, he was black," we cut away to another scene. Cowards.
Bionic Brother is disposing of his track suit in a trash bin. He's now wearing regular clothes and a yellow jacket that makes me think it's a shout-out to Pete. BB exits through the ambulance entrance. He watches his back as he gets out onto the street. A police car rolls by, its siren wailing. BB turns and goes in another direction. "Is that who's chasing you? The police?" Clark asks, suddenly appearing. Naw, just Stewart Copeland. "My God," Clark thinks, "he's fuckable!" "You got the wrong guy," Bionic Brother says. Clark must be so disappointed. Clark asks if he's the guy Clark's his girlfriend ran into with her SUV. "Girlfriend"? Are you fucking kidding me? BB asks if Clark wants an apology. Clark just wants answers. He asks how the guy walked away unhurt from being hit "full-on." "Milk," says BB. "It does a body good." Another Pete shout-out! This guy is better though; he makes the product placement sound pretty natural. "Victor? Victor Stone?" Clark asks. He suddenly recognizes the guy. Clark remembers BB as a wide receiver from Met High. Clark just wants to believe that the guy is a "wide receiver," if you know what I mean, and I think you do, but if you don't, I'll spell it out in three letters: "G-A-Y." Clark says he played for the Smallville Crows. "Kent...quarterback," Bionic Brother says. He compliments Clark on his arm. Hey, if you think that's nice.... Clark shakes his head and says he doesn't play anymore. BB bitterly says that he doesn't either. Clark says that's not surprising; he heard that Bionic Brother was dead. BB looks surprised. He says he's really sorry about Lana, but that there are places he doesn't want to be right now. "Catch ya later, Kent," he says. Clark tries to stop him by grabbing his elbow, but BB swings it, propelling Clark into the air. Clark sails thirty feet to crash into a tiled wall. Clark breaks up all the pretty blue tiles with his ass. BB goes over, concerned, but sees Clark get right up, neat as you please. Nobody else saw it, apparently. "What the hell are you made of?" BB asks. Clark says he was about to ask BB that. Clark squints really hard. Inside BB's body, Clark sees a bunch of metal components in x-ray vision. Neato! I think there's a GameBoy in there. BB asks what Clark is looking at. Clark looks a bit nauseated.
A phone rings at the Kent home. MamaKent answers. "Who are you? How did --" she says. We don't hear the person on the line. MamaKent tells the person that she doesn't think she can raise as much money as they're asking for. "All right, I'll be there," she says, and hangs up. MamaKent turns to see Papa Luthor standing past the screen of the open front door. He asks if he's early. He was supposed to be there at 11:30. MamaKent remembers that Papa was picking her up for a conference in Topeka. MamaKent lets him in. She tries to hide the DVD player back in the envelope as Papa Luthor says that she'd save a full day of travel if she'd agree to take his helicopter. And by "helicopter," he means...heh heh...probably just helicopter. He's not as dirty as we are. Papa says she doesn't have to if it would be a conflict of interest. MamaKent says that's not it; it's that something came up and she's going to have to reschedule. Papa Luthor notices the envelope on the table. He gives MamaKent a serious look and asks what's up. Papa tries to be overly nice, saying that, whatever's wrong, she can surely handle it. As he leaves, he offers her a ride or anything else she might need: "Please. Call me," he finishes, bathed in warm light from outside. MamaKent says she will. She looks at the envelope again with concern. Dramatic! But not really.
Commercials. My thoughts on Sonic's Diet Dr. Pepper commercial have officially been documented.
The Barnness of No Solitude Ever. Clark talks on the phone to Lana. He apologizes for leaving her at the hospital (he did? Dude!) and explains that "Victor" didn't really want to hang around. Boy, when the gay comes back, it really comes back like a lubed-up pink freight train, doesn't it? Clark tells Lana to stay in Metropolis while he figures things out, and that Chloe is coming to pick her up. (So why don't they just tell us that Nasty Nell and Chloe's dad Gabe both died so we won't have to wonder why it's friends and not parents who are always dealing with the hospitals and near-death experiences on this show?) Bionic Brother is up in the barn loft, waiting for Clark. BB is staring at the screen of Clark's laptop. "Newspapers got it wrong, huh?" Clark asks. "No, they didn't," BB answers. A newspaper headline reads, "Met High Receiver Dies in Car Crash," with a photo of BB smiling and wearing what appears to be a Dallas Cowboys jersey.
BB tells the sad story of how he was in the car with his family when they were in a horrific car accident in the middle of a snow storm. It was him, his sister, his mom: "My pops." BB may be one of the best guest stars this show has ever had, at least in terms of acting. "I should have died with them," BB says, sadly. Bionic Brother says that he passed out, expecting to see some angels the time he awoke. I get that same feeling all the time, only it's Victoria's Secret angels. Instead, he ended up with a bunch of "Cyntechnics Scientists." BB says that he was one of several dead guys pulled from accidents for experiments, but that he was the first one who survived. He says that if not for a doctor who helped him escape, he'd be more machine than man right now. Judging from Clark's full-body eye scan, it looks like that already happened. Clark asks if he's talking about all the metal in his body. BB gives him the stink-eye. He asks how Clark knows what's in him. Uh...very thorough eye exam? BB asks why Clark's not hurt after being tossed against that hospital wall. "You're not the only one who drinks a lot of milk," Clark says, giving him a look that is so wholesome, yet dirty (and which goes with a line that is similarly wholesome and dirty) that it is clearly the Gayest Look of the Episode. Have some milk, boys. BB asks if Clark is bionic, too. Clark says he's just "different." Differently able?
BB has questions, but apparently asking more about Clark isn't one of them. BB asks if Lana is all right with Clark being whatever he is. "Lana doesn't know," Clark says. BB brings up his girl, Katherine. He shows Clark a photo. "She's beautiful," Clark says. So...bi? Bionic Brother says that they were planning on getting married after high school. "Some wedding that'd be now," he says. Oh, like anyone can tell you're more Black & Decker than black. Clark asks if Katherine knows he's alive. "No," says BB, heartbroken. "I don't want to see her." He doesn't think she'd accept what happened to him: "How could she ever love a thing like me?" Some women like...you know...machinery. Clark -- also falling into the self-pity quicksand -- says that he's not the best person to ask about that. He hands back the photo. BB stares at it. He says it won't matter when the soldiers catch up with him. Clark offers some help in the form of his reporter friend, Chloe. Clark thinks they can get info on the bad guys and help get them off BB's back. "You'd do that for me?" Bionic Brother asks. Clark says that he has this thing about being experimented on in labs. He thinks it's so hot. Clark tells BB to sit tight while he goes to investigate. "Wide receiver." "Sit tight." Wow. They're laying it on thick here.
Daily Planet. Chloe and Lana are walking. Chloe asks Lana where BB rates on a scale from "1 to Taye Diggs." Lana rates him pretty highly. Chloe: "Tall, dark, and bionic. Think he likes blondes?" Clark ruins the party when he tells them, "His girlfriend's a brunette. Sorry." Way to dry a girl up, Clark. Lana asks if BB's girlfriend knows what happened. "No," Clark says awkwardly, and explains that BB is afraid of how she'll react. Lana, who has a little bump on her forehead, asks, "Well, what's he going to do -- keep lying to her and hope she doesn't notice how different he is?" Uh...awkward! Clark doesn't answer. Lana shoots him a dirty look. Chloe, at her computer, says that she's having little luck digging into Cyntechnic's corporate background, but that she found out their main project is called "Machina" and deals with prosthetics to replace damaged limbs. Clark says that BB's work is more extensive than that. "Who owns Cyntechnics?" Lana asks. Chloe hunts for that info. It's LuthorCorp, of course. Lana actually looks like she's surprised.
Lair of Lex. Clark comes in through the double doors. Security! "We need to talk," Clark says, dickishly. Lex, not even bothering to get up from his chair or to put away the papers he was reading, tells Clark that he needs to work on his entrance. Oh, for real, dude? I thought it was really forceful and butch. I'll come in again. Wait. Maybe I should stay here. Would that be a good acting choice? Lex says it's a bit abrupt. "What do you know about Cyntechnics?" Clark asks. Lex complains that this is what he means: no pleasantries, no small talk, just straight to the accusations. Come on, Clark. He wants foreplay! Clark says that he hasn't accused Lex of anything. Lex says that Clark's righteous tone says it all. He asks what he's supposed to have done this time. Clark says, "How about turning Victor Stone into a tin man without his consent?" Tin what? Lex asks smoothly if Clark means Victor Stone the football player who died in a car crash. Like Lex would ever know that otherwise. Clark says that's what Cyntechnics wanted everyone to believe. Lex suggests that Clark go badger them. Clark says that LuthorCorp bought them out seven months ago. Lex turns to lecture Clark that his company has bought or sold a hundred small companies in the last quarter alone. Clark asks if Lex doesn't know what goes on in his own company. Lex says that it's a multinational corporation, and that he delegates. Lex says that if somebody's doing something wrong, he'll take steps to "rectify" (dirty!) the situation. "So will I," Clark says. Awesome. A rectum pact. Or is that "packed"? Clark leaves angrily. No Hot Pockets, then?
Kent Farm at night. Lana is in the barn, looking for Bionic Brother. He shows up to her unexpectedly, scaring her. He apologizes. Lana tells him that Clark went to go talk to Lex. BB wonders if he should go have a talk with Lex Luthor himself. With Clark still there? Dude, that would be hot. Lana tells BB that Lex has done some things she hasn't liked in the past, but that she can't believe Lex would have any part of this. "He's different," Lana says. BB says that at least he has a choice. Then Lana says that BB has a choice about whether he should lie to the woman he loves. This is like three different conversations happening at the same time, none of them that interesting. Lana says that's why she's there. Because she's projecting. BB says that Katherine was what kept him going during all his time in the lab. Lana's heart breaks as BB describes how much he missed holding his girl. Sappy music plays. BB starts to leave, and Lana asks where he's going. He says he's going to go find Katherine. He's not sure what he'll tell her, but -- uh oh. A green beam settles on Bionic Brother's chest. A soldier fires. BB gets shot in the shoulder. He falls and screams. Lana goes to help, but a soldier grabs her, spins her 'round, and then punches her in the face. Whoa! Is his name Private Stompy? Lana hits the ground -- unconscious, of course. "Target acquired," says another soldier. But he speaks too soon, because Clark shows up, grabbing him and tossing him at the other soldier. Clark ignores BB and goes to help Lana. She's fine. "That makes one of us," says BB. His shoulder is bleeding black liquid.
A dark apartment at The Talon. Clark says they won't be looking for Bionic Brother there, and that Lois won't be back until the day. She's at boob camp. BB apologizes to Clark for bringing all this craziness into his life. Clark says it's cool. BB says that his shoulder isn't something you can just put some duct tape on. He rolls up his sleeve and rips the flesh off his shoulder. It comes of in a gross peel. BB says that all of his machinery is connected, and that the goop coming it out is from his power cell. He says that, if it keeps draining, he's a dead man. Dramatic looks. Get him some Duracells, stat!
Commercials. Folgers crystals. For people who like the idea of coffee, but aren't really willing to pay for it.
If you're just joining us...dude's made of metal.
The moon and a flyover of The Daily Planet, this time minus that pesky helicopter. I guess the pilot got the week off. Chloe is telling Clark that her probing exposé on jaywalkers can wait as they look for a doctor to help Bionic Brother. Clark says that they'd better hurry, because they don't know how much time he has left. Good thing you left him alone with Lana the Idiot in Smallville. Chloe is dubious that Lex was behind the barn assault. She doesn't think sending snipers in directly is Lex's style. Clark says that Lex's style has changed. And it's no longer doggy. Whoa, Chloe's chloevage is coming right at me! God bless big-screen TV technology. Clark thinks that Lex is lying. Chloe, backing through a door to another abandoned part of the Planet's news operations, says that the lead scientist on the "Machina" project has a history of burning bridges. With his mind? She says that Dr. Kreig (Scientific Suit) got fired from MIT and Stanford for doing "ethically challenged" research. Clark wonders if the scientist is doing the same thing to Lex. Clark brushes all that aside in favor of searching for the scientist who freed BB earlier. Chloe finds six "Hong"s with MDs in Metropolis. She crosses off the OB/GYN, and they narrow the list down to a bioengineer.
Clark approaches a cute house that is nevertheless small for someone in bioengineering. "Dr. Hong!" Clark calls, before bothering to knock on the door. "Mr. Chan!" Clark calls again. He hears a car engine. Maybe the dude's not home; did you think about that? Use your superhearing, dumb-ass. Clark, at excruciatingly normal speed, walks around the house and toward a garage. He finds a flexible dryer tube stuck into a car window. Yep, he's an engineer, all right. Dr. Hong has asphyxiated himself in his auto. And there was nothing erotic about it. Clark shuts off the car and takes the doctor's pulse. "Is he dead?" someone asks. G-g-g-ghost! "I think you already know that answer, Lex," Clark says bitterly. Lex is, indeed, skulking over there in the shadows. Clark really needs to do something about his hearing. Clark walks past Lex and out the garage. Lex asks Clark if he really thinks Lex had something to do with this. Clark asks why Lex is there. Lex says that he did some research into Cyntechnics after their conversation. Clark doesn't believe it. Lex says that Dr. Hong was about to blow the whistle on the experiments. Lex thinks Hong couldn't live with himself, or that Dr. Kreig didn't let him live with it. Lex says that guy has gone "completely rogue." Totally awesome. Tell me this isn't some clunky-ass dialogue right here: "A project that started as an effort to allow amputees to live a normal life has turned into one man's quest to create a living machine." Lex convinces Clark to tell him where to find Bionic Brother. "He's sick," says Clark. "He's been shot." Clark thinks he may die. "Then bring him to me. I have the technology!" We have WiFi! In the bathroom, even! "I've seen the way you help people!" Clark snaps. Lex asks Clark to put aside his issues so that they can help BB. Clark thinks really hard. The inside of his brain smells like burning toast.
Talon. BB has got an ice pack on his arm. I'm not sure how that's supposed to help a robot wound, but whatever. He's grimacing. He asks Lana if Clark found Dr. Hong. Lana, hanging up the phone, shakes her head. She says she's sorry, and that Dr. Hong is dead. BB looks like he's going to cry. In the hands of a real actor like him, it really works. Instead of saying, "Oh, I'm fucked," he blinks hard and says, "Because of me." Dude, you're dying and all you feel is guilt? I love this guy. Can we keep him, Al and Miles? Please please please? Fuck Aquaman; I want this guy to have his own series. BB says that if Hong hadn't helped him escape, he'd still be alive. Lana rushes over to assure him that it's not his fault. Which it totally isn't, of course. Still, BB's just messed-up sad. He thinks he'll be joining his dead family soon. Lana, rubbing his good shoulder, urges him not to give up. BB sniffs hard and says he needs to see Katherine. Just don't bleed all over her with motor oil, all right? BB takes off to go see his girlfriend. Lana tries to stop him instead of offering a ride. He asks what Lana would do if she had one last chance to see the person she loves. I think she would spend the whole time trying to emote, talk out her feelings, and then die before she'd made a decision.
A house where there are pictures of BB on the mantle. "Katherine!" cries Bionic Brother as he enters this home without knocking or ringing a doorbell. He knocks over a vase and a small table right to the door. Nice entrance. I know you're dying and all, but damn, dude. Be more smoothio. Evil Dr. Kreig, with his evil vaguely European accent purrs, "Hello, Victor." He's sitting behind a desk. BB asks where his girlfriend went. Kreig says she's safe as long as BB cooperates. BB gets mad. Kreig says that his goal is to help people, not hurt them. But, you know, feel threatened, all right? BB says that he wants to see Katherine. Kreig says he will, but that he has to return to the lab first, with "these gentlemen." Two soldiers walk into the room and flank Bionic Brother. "Hope you win your Nobel Prize," BB bitterly tells Kreig. Kreig, we'd assume, hopes he wins too. A Nobel Prize would be fucking sweet! Bwah-ha-ha-ha! BB leaves with the mean soldiers. "You were right. He came here like a fish to water!" Kreig marvels. Lex walks in from another room. Yes, this plan was so smart it was almost stupid. Lex tells Kreig that the heart has a way of clouding one's better judgment. Want to get a room?
Another evil Metropolis street for MamaKent to wander around in by herself. She's carrying a briefcase and walking away from her parked blue truck. A siren wails in the distance. "Did you bring the money?" an evil man asks, suddenly appearing off to the side. She did. MamaKent asks who he is. A loud car pulls up, its headlights flashing toward MamaKent and the burly man. The burly man makes a getaway. Out from the car appears Papa Luthor. MamaKent asks what he's doing there. She's pissed. Papa Luthor says he was worried when he saw that package at her house, and figured something was up. He says he wants to help. No meddle, help! He's seemingly figured out that MamaKent's a victim of blackmail. "So what does one do in this position?" MamaKent asks. Papa says you never give in, because then it never ends. MamaKent walks away frustrated and says there's a lot at stake in her situation. "There always is," Papa suggests. He offers to help, but MamaKent tries to brush him off and say she can handle it. He tells her that this is something outside of her experience. He lies and says that what's in the package is of no interest to him: "My only interest is your well-being." He asks her to please let him take care of this. He smiles slyly. Bastard!
Commercials. "Mr. Chan!" Also, Dave Chappelle's Block Party. Sweet!
Speaking of black male, Bionic Brother is in the evil lab, strapped to a platform in that very scary-looking white lab. All kinds of artificial limbs and wires hang from the ceiling. Kreig and another scientist, in blue scrubs, approach BB, whose head is in the middle of a giant vise grip. He asks about Katherine. Kreig tells him that she's back home, and that they've called off the dogs. There were dogs? Also, they replaced his arm tubing and servoed his mechanism with some...uh...things. "Your arm is even better than before," Kreig says. Well, hand over some magazines and we'll find out for sure. "I can't wait to use it to smash your skull in," BB threatens. I supposed you could do that, too. Lex appears, standing behind Kreig. "How ya feeling?" he asks. BB shoots Lex a glare. Lex says he's glad they found him in time. BB asks if Lex has a God complex, hissing, "I didn't ask to be saved." Lex says he's just giving the guy a chance at a normal life. "'Normal,'" BB spits. "Half my body is straight out of the Sharper Image catalog." His ass expels ionic-purified gases. Lex says that came at a price much steeper than $6 million. BB says that he doesn't need all this gadgetry, and that they can just roll him out in a wheelbarrow. Lex tells BB he'd die without this stuff, and that he needs to be patient if he wants his freedom. A computer nearby makes a funny noise. "What's that?" BB asks. Lex says it's something that'll make his life easier. A scientist swabs the side of BB's head. He asks what's going on. Lex says that he's helping him to be whole again: anger, despair, and loneliness can create a rift between brain and bionics. Damn, don't I know it. He says that the chip they're installing will take the edge off when necessary. BB says that they're trying to make him a drone -- a robot. Chest shot. Saaaaay. Nice torso, Bionic Brother! "Easy," Lex says, leaning in close. "You've read too much science fiction." He says that the merging of man and machine is nothing new. He lets Kreig get to work. Kreig shoves a needle in BB's neck. Ouchie.
Clark gets to The Talon. It's daytime. He asks Lana where BB is. Where the hell was Clark all this time? She says that he left. Clark isn't thrilled. Lana says that he went to see Katherine. "That's the first place they're gonna look for him!" Clark snaps. Lana wonders if they took him back to the lab. Ya think? Clark says that he'll go check it out. Lana thinks that they should call the police. She reaches for the phone. When she turns, Clark is gone with a whoosh.
Lab. BB is out of it. Kreig tells him to relax. He's holding a gnarly piece of machinery. "You want me to relax, put away the drill," says Bionic Brother. Kreig promises that when they're done, he'll feel like a new man. The scary drill starts whirring and poking toward the camera. Clark zips into the lab. As the drill is about to touch BB's temple, Clark pops in and knocks three scientists into the air like he's a bowling ball. It's pretty hilarious. "Nice tackle," says BB as Clark frees him from the clamps. Wet and ready, bro! Clark tosses his man a shirt and says that they need to get out of there. They casually run out of the room. "How'd you do that, Kent?" asks BB as they make it to the roof level. "I can do a lot of things," Clark says. He can do you in 32 flavors, buddy. BB and Clark both leap off the roof at the same time. The camera follows as they both hit the ground and leave giant holes in the street below. Pretty cool. The soldiers follow up to the rooftop. Kreig, down on the street level, marvels at the damage to the ground. He looks very, very sad. His drill is now flaccid.
Stately Luthor Manor. Clark busts in through Lex's double doors. Security! Lex asks if Clark is gonna try some small talk this time, like telling Lex how BB escaped from the lab. Clark throws a file onto Lex's desk. He says that it's everything he and Chloe (probably more Chloe than him) could find on the "Machina" project. Lex gives it a glance and says it's nothing he hasn't already uncovered. Clark goes, "Hmm." Lex tells Clark that he doesn't intend to harass BB because he's suffered enough. "He suffered because of you!" Clark spits. Clark says that he knows Lex was in the lab. Lex lies that he was trying to stop Kreig. "That's not what Victor said," Clark counters. Lex says that BB was under heavy sedation, and must have misconstrued Lex's intentions. "Seems to happen a lot to you, doesn't it?" Clark says accusingly. Lex turns to Clark. As Clark tries to walk out, Lex stops him and asks if Clark thinks BB would have been better off dying with his family. Clark says that Lex always thinks the ends justify the means. Lex says he thinks some miracles have a price, but that doesn't make them any less profound. Clark has no idea what that means. Lex asks Clark to tell BB that he hopes homeboy can move past what happened. Really fast with his metal legs. Lex says that LuthorCorp has. "You can let yourself out," Lex adds as he leaves the room.
Morning at Kent Farm. Inside the barn, Bionic Brother is stretching his shoulder and flexing his hand. Clark comes in and asks if everything is working all right. "I feel like a billion dollars," says BB, "which probably isn't too far off." BB asks if Clark thinks Lex will really let that much money just walk off into the sunset. "I didn't give him a choice," says Clark. What? You didn't do jack or shit, Clark. Just shut up, all right? BB says that he'd thank Clark, but that the words seem too small. Clark says it's unnecessary. "Your mom raised you modest, didn't she?" BB asks. This guy is the coolest. "You're a hero, Kent. I'm not gonna forget how much I owe you." They do a cool version of a brother-to-honkey handshake. Solid. Clark asks him to help someone else out in need, and that they'll call it even.
On the other side of the barn, Lana walks in with some girl. Lana is showing her how to do a barn scene. Basically, you get all emotional and misty-eyed, and you whisper all your dialogue, and you stare into the sunset as absolutely nothing happens. Repeat for four and a half years. It's awesome. BB walks over. Katherine is very cute and is wearing a very short skirt. She and BB hug. Katherine feels BB's shoulders. Saaaay! Is that a robotic third leg, or are you just happy to see me? She asks what happened, and what those men did to BB. He says it's a long story. "We got time," she says, tears in her eyes. More tearful hugs. Lana and Clark smile at each other. Then they look sad. Hey, this was supposed to be our barn scene! Well, now it is.
Commercials. UltraViolet. They sure didn't wait long for that Aeon Flux sequel, did they?
Kent Farm. The cows are just dairy and meat now without Bo Duke to guide them. Inside, MamaKent is watching the DVD player again as it plays in slow motion. There's an explosion; then it goes to static. A knock at the door startles her. She grabs the disc out of the player and closes the lid on it. She hides the DVD under a placemat. At the door, of course, is Papa Luthor. She starts to ask what happened, but Papa Luthor assures her that it's been solved. He tells MamaKent that the man responsible has agreed never to contact her again. "Who was he?" she asks. Papa says that it was a police-academy dropout-turned-warehouse security guard. She asks whether he told Papa what this was about. "I didn't let him," he lies. "I was only interested in, ah, making sure he went away. And he did. Willingly." Yeah. Right. Papa says that one thing still concerns him: now MamaKent is a public figure, and the perception of her is everything. He plays martyr and says that any association she has with him could hurt her career. "I'm not the kind of person who turns her back on her friends because of what people think," she says. Papa pretends to be taken aback, and says he doesn't know many people like her. He says he admires her integrity. So much. It's hot. "The state of Kansas is lucky to have you," he says. MamaKent beams. The man's got moves.
Oh, here's the real Clark/Lana barn scene. Gag. Clark is going through all his old football gear, including trophies, program books, and his old jersey. Why is his jockstrap pink lace? Lana surprises the guy with superhearing and says, "Haven't seen that in a while." Clark says that his new friend reminded him of his glory days. Lana asks why Clark quit football. She says that he always seemed at peace on the field, as if everything weighing him down just evaporated. Clarklying badly, says, "It's just a game." Lana asks why he does that. He asks what it is that he does. "Hide what you're really feeling," Lana tells him. It's called a Kansas closet, Lana. Clark takes a breath. Lana says that seeing how in love BB and Katherine are "kinda reminded [her] of [their] glory days." When were those? I've recapped 101 episodes, but I must have missed that one. Lana says that Clark knows how much Lana loves him, but that they seem to be going around and around in circles. Wow. I hadn't noticed. Lana says that they can't move forward. "I know," Clark says. "Just tell me the truth, Clark," says Lana. "Do you still love me?" Clark says that he's always loved Lana and always will, "no matter what happens." Lana looks sad. Clark suddenly looks very scared. Weird shot of Lana leaving the barn, looking destroyed. She walks out into the sunset in slow motion. Clark, upstairs, wanders around the loft, looking lost. I guess this is what they mean by going around in circles.
Metropolis at night. Ah, opera music through the rest of the episode. Papa Luthor is handing an envelope of cash to the thug who was blackmailing MamaKent. It looks pretty thin. The man takes the money and nods to Papa Luthor. Papa, in harsh overhead light, sits down at his desk.
Kent home. We zoom along the sunflowers in the front yard. Inside, MamaKent sits by the fireplace. She looks lovingly at a framed photo of Bo Duke. She puts it down and takes the DVD in her hand.
Papa Luthor's office. He stares at a laptop screen.
Fireplace. MamaKent looks at the DVD. She drops it into the fire. She watches as the disc melts. She cries, but looks satisfied.
Papa at the computer. The aria reaches a crescendo. "Your secret...is safe with me," Papa says quietly. On the screen, we see Lana engulfed by a fireball. Clark suddenly appears, carrying her away and toward the security camera. We stare into Papa Luthor's face as he says, "Kal-El." And we go to black. Ooh, chills.
week: I'm on vacation, bitches! See you in early April. Be good and have a nice spring break.