Tomb

This is my hundredth Smallville recap. I'm still trying to figure out which major character I'm going to kill off by the end of this recap.

It was a dark and sultry night. At The Talon. Very creepy music was playing as thunder cracked. I expected to hear The Monster Mash. Inside, upstairs in the apartment, Chloe is being a complete slob, for some reason. She's taking a shower and the leering camera pans across the floor, where her clothes and bra (so that's what holds up the Chloevage!) are lying. It's not so much sexy as cluttered. We know it's Chloe in the shower because we hear the grating sound of Lois Lane's voice saying, "The kettle's on, Chloe!" Get it off! It's hot! Lois suggests that a warm shower and chamomile will relax her. From the shower, Chloe thanks Lois and says that she feels better already. Chloe showers -- which, appropriately, involves lots of water. We see lightning flashing from outside.

Exterior shot of The Talon's marquee. Lightning hits the sign. Inside, scary lightning zaps the room's lamps and all the lights go off. Chloe turns off the water faucets, muttering, "Great. And my night is complete." Chloe puts on a bathrobe she found inside the shower somehow and complains that the lights probably aren't off in Metropolis. Well, look at you, Chloe Sullivan, with your big-city electrical ways. You make us country folk puke! Getting out of the shower, Chloe asks Lois where she keeps the candles. Lois tells Chloe that they're in the little cabinet, bottom drawer. Knowing what I do of Lois, I find it impossible to believe she's got enough sense to own a small cabinet, to own a candle, and to know where that candle is located in the event of a power outage. Chloe bends down and finds the wax and wick. She also finds one of those clicking automatic lighters. Once again, I call bullshit. Something whooshes ominously across the frame as scary music plays. Chloe pauses and turns. "Did I just have a clich� horror movie moment?" she wonders. Chloe walks over to the mirror and rubs the steam away with her hand. If it's light enough in the room to look in the mirror, why did she need a candle? Oh, I just figured it out. Chloe totally let one rip. Chloe goes, "Blech," as she tosses around her hair. She opens the mirror/medicine cabinet. Breast enlargement pills? What the...? Chloe grabs a brush and closes the mirror. A girl with big black spots painted under her eyes is in the mirror. Raccoon Girl! Raccoon Girl looks a bit like Fiona Apple. Chloe turns in alarm. Raccoon Girl extends her arms. Her wrists are covered in blood. This could be any teen girl who ever wrote on LiveJournal. "Help me," the girl says. Chloe screams, loudly. Oh, nice, Sullivan. Big help. Chloe has seen way scarier stuff than this. I'm not buying that a teenager with bad eye makeup would make her freak out like that.

On the other side of the door, Lois hears the scream. She walks into the unlocked bathroom wielding a flashlight. Lois flashes her light on Chloe, who is sitting on the floor, looking worried. "Help me!" Chloe whimpers. Lois? Really? That's whom you're going to for help? Good luck with that. The music amps up. Lightning flashes. The camera pans down from Chloe's face to her wrists. They are slit. We go straight from that to opening credits. Did Chloe think they were singing "somebody flay me"?

Commercials. One of our cats, Diego, looks exactly like an old Chinese man around the face. He's got long white whiskers and very wizened eyes. We sometimes call him "Mr. Chan." So whenever that Pepsi commercial with Jackie Chan comes on where Jay Mohr goes, "Mr. Chan!" I play it really loud so Diego can hear.

The chessboard tile of Smallville Medical Center, my old nemesis. Where were you, hospital, when Bo died? Where were you when Lana Lang pretend-died? It's all very suspicious, Smallville Medical Center. J'accuse! I'm keeping my eye on you. I guess I fucking have to. Clark walks in from remedial "Keeping it Interesting with your Acting Choices" class. He asks Lois about Chloe. She's standing to a very shady-looking guy with a dark sports jacket and a gray turtleneck. He's up to no good! In a lugubrious, yet turgid voice, the man to Chloe says that's just what they were trying to determine. "And you are...?" he asks Clark. A douche? An asshat? A Big, Dumb Alien? Really, Clark, you have so many options for an answer. Clark introduces himself. The man in the turtleneck says he's Dr. Seidel, but I hear it as "Slidell" and go listen to some Lucinda Williams for a little while. Lois says that Dr. Turtleneck is Chloe's psychiatrist. Well, he's doing a bang-up job. Lois, who had enough time to glop on some makeup, tells Clark that she found Chloe on the bathroom floor. She'd cut her wrists. "What?" Clark says. She said CHLOE CUT HER WRISTS! Lois guiltily says that she should have seen it coming. She says that Chloe hasn't been sleeping much, between classes and her shifts at The Daily Planet. Yeah, I was wondering how she was coping with those twenty-hour nights. "Is there any history of mantle illness?" the doctor purrs. Clark, go check Chloe's mantle for termites! Lois says there's no history of mental illness, and that if there were bats in the family belfry, she'd know. "Fine," says Dr. Turtleneck. Oh, it's so, so fine. He says that gives him somewhere to start. I don't think he's even listening. Dr. Turtleneck calls for an orderly. It's a cadaver that lives! These are the two creepiest guys I think we've ever seen together on the show. Clark asks the doctor why Chloe would to this to herself. Why don't you know, Clark? The doctor says it's a combination of family history, stress, and the loss of a loved one. I thought you just ruled out family history. "Sometimes," Turtleneck says, through liters of phlegm, "a person has a secret they feel they can't share." Like what the bad people did to the doctor's neck. He says that, whatever it is, he will uncover something. "And I'll treat it aggressively," he threatens. He's got lots of torture devices for whatever mental illness ails ya. Awkward stares. I think the scene's over, guys. You can relax.

Chloe's in a hospital bed. Clark walks in. Clark and Chloe "Hey" each other. Clark asks how she's doing. Post-suicidal? Chloe says she's feeling out of it. Chloe's on sedatives. Clark looks her over and asks, "So what happened?" They don't call him Supersensitive for nothing. Chloe thinks. "I don't know," she says. Clark tries to be a good friend, for once, and asks if she needs to talk about anything. Chloe smiles a bit and reiterates that she really doesn't know what happened. Chloe's wrists are bandaged up. She tells Clark that she was showering. The lights went out. And Nikki started to grind. Also, Chloe woke up on the floor bleeding. Nikki is rough like that. "Clark, I'm a writer," says Chloe. "If I was going to kill myself, I would leave one hell of a suicide note." ["If you're such a writer, you should know that you're talking about what you'd do if you were going to kill yourself, not 'was.' Good Grammar Costs Nothing!" -- Wing Chun] Clark chuckles. Suicide is funny. Chloe thinks that someone else was in the room with her. "Lois didn't see anyone," Clark says. Lois wasn't in the room. Clark says that the doctor asked about Chloe's family history. He asks if they should tell Turtleneck about Chloe's mother. "No," she says immediately. She steps over Clark's words to say that she doesn't want anyone thinking she's like her mother. She asks Clark not to say anything. Brooding music throbs as Clark says, "Yeah."

Kent kitchen. MamaKent has papers, a checkbook, a day planner, and Bo's bovine-'n-cowboy cup on the kitchen counter. These don't look at all like fun papers. It looks rainy as we rotate around and pan past the kitchen window. We settle at the kitchen door. Did someone order Magnificent Bastard for delivery? Is that like the Candygram that's actually a shark? Papa Luthor taps on the door glass. Papa sticks his head in the doorway and says that he was on his way back to Metropolis and wanted to check in and see how MamaKent was doing. "I do have a front door," MamaKent says. Dirty! "time I'll, uh, come to the front!" Papa Luthor says brightly as he steps inside. Ooh, "time." This guy is smooth. MamaKent nods, trying to act annoyed as she says, "Maybe you should call first." Not so smoothly, she drops a stack of papers from the counter and onto the floor. "Eh. Let me help you," Papa Luthor says as he bends down to pick up papers, and reads, "Budget. Fiscal projections. Public works." Ooh, $25,000 Pyramid time: "Things Omar's brain can't process." Papa says those are all things a state senator would need to know about. What about bribery? Corn futures? Expensing trips to Maui? Papa asks whether MamaKent is considering taking Bo Duke's senate seat. MamaKent says she doesn't know, and that it's complicated. The seat has hinges, hydraulics, and fancy leather. With great gravity, Papa says he knows how hard it is to regain a sense of normalcy when someone you love has died. It also doesn't help when men come over through the back door to remind you about it all the time. MamaKent gulps, trying to maintain her composure. Papa Luthor tells her that it does get easier; MamaKent just has to give herself time. Howabout you give her time? All up in her grill! Back that shit up, playa! MamaKent, strangely, gives Papa Luthor a shy little look. Papa decides that his macking work here is done. He walks out without another word while MamaKent thinks. Bo's mug is deeply ashamed of MamaKent. The cream in her coffee curdles.

Chloe's scary hospital room. Funky noises. Hey, it's The Others from Lost! "Help me, please!" we hear a girl whisper, as we hear sounds like a very small train passing. Chloe wakes up. We see a fluorescent light flashing on and off through the open door to the bathroom. Chloe disconnects the tube to her IV and rises out of bed. Crazy overhead shot. Those are some high ceilings for a hospital. Chloe walks slowly toward the bathroom as the crazy cacophony continues. Chloe enters the bathroom. "Hello?" she asks. The lights flicker off. Come back on. Flicker off. Come back -- RACCOON GIRL! Chloe jumps and yelps. Someone touches Chloe's back. Chloe spins. It's Lana. ACCK! That's even scarier. Chloe is breathing fast and looking around. Lana says that she got here as fast as she could, and asks if Chloe is all right. Chloe goes nutty. She asks about the girl who was just here. Chloe sees footprints made of blood across the tile. "My God. There's so much blood," Chloe whispers. Lana watches Chloe pad across the floor, on which there are no bloody footprints, and tries to get Chloe back to bed. Chloe says she has to find "her." She just saw her.

Chloe walks out to the hallway. She runs right into Dr. Turtleneck, who has dispensed with the turtleneck. I refrain from calling him Dr. Open Collar. Chloe tries to explain the situation in rapid-fire Gilmore Girls-style dialogue, and the doctor keeps making little assurances that he's listening even though he's totally not. Turtleneck and the creepy orderly push Chloe back to the room and onto the bed. It's time for electroshock treatment! Turtleneck, calm and cool, calls for a nurse as they grab Chloe's arms and hold her down. A little close to grabbing Chloe's fresh wrist wounds aren't we, doctor? Chloe begs for them to listen and yells, "No!" as she sees a nurse arrive with a needle. "She needs our help!" Chloe cries as we pan away from the injection. The camera settles on Lana, in the doorway, because it's all about her. A doctor with his arms crossed in the background observes. Mmm, that's good sedation. "Make them listen, Lana!" Chloe screams from inside the room. The creepy strings rise as we hit a hard blackout.

Commercials. Victoria's Secret? Oh, crap, I forgot to get a Valentine's Day gift! For Adriana Lima! Be right back.

Lair of Lex. I don't know if those curved maroon chairs in front of his desk are new, but I know I like them. Lex is wearing a casual long-sleeved shirt, and is talking on the phone at his desk. He asks someone how hard it is to find a college professor in a dirt state. Is "dirt state" like a state of being dead and buried? Is that like a "dirt nap"? He tells the person on the phone that he wants Professor SoFine located, or else the person on the phone will be missing. Lana appears in the doorway of the large double doors. Lex hangs up the phone. "Lana," he says. Ya think? On this show? Lex senses that something is wrong. Lana, hands dug into her pockets, tells Lex that Chloe is in the hospital; she says that Chloe tried to kill herself. Lex takes a tiny moment to wonder if that would help or hurt him, then looks concerned and asks if she's all right. Lana's not really sure. I think that, after the last scene, the correct answer would be, "No. She's really not." Lana says that Chloe was talking crazy, and that they sedated her. "Who's her doctor?" Lex asks. Everyone on this show should be on a first-name basis with every doctor in the state of Kansas by now. Lana says that it's some psychiatrist at the medical center. She says that's why she came to visit Lex: she's wondering if the doctors at Belle Reve really helped Lex when he was staying there. Lex thinks about that. "I'll make the call," he says. Junior-level evil! Lex says that Chloe will have the best doctors this side of Vienna helping her. I'm sure they'd settle for the best doctors this side of Tennessee. Lana thanks Lex for the help. Wow, it's awesome that Lana and Lex get to decide Chloe's course of medical treatment, not her doctor or her damn father.