Reckoning

And it's here. Episode 100. Death awaits us. Was it worth the wait? Was it worth all those snowy coffin promos?

There's snow all over Kent Farm. We hear the opening strums of "You're Beautiful" by James Blunt, a song my wife really likes ever since we saw him perform it on Saturday Night Live a few months ago. We didn't know who this guy was, but I thought he looked just like Tori Amos with all the googly faces he was making at us. In any case, he's just as ruined as Maroon 5 by the time we're done here. It's going to make you just up and hate the song. In the barn, Clark is nervously playing with something in his hand as the camera creeps up behind him. The song gets off on the wrong foot right away when it tries to use the word "brilliant" in the lyrics while the camera is focused on Clark. Lana appears behind him, saying that she brought the gloves and scarf he requested. Clark says he was worried that she wouldn't come. You've got to have sex with her, first, fool. Lana, who seems in relatively good spirits, says she didn't think a mystery date was what their relationship needs right now. Light bondage and whips? Perhaps. Clark looks out of breath. Lana is standing close enough to be able to tell that Clark's heart is racing. Clark says he's terrified. Oh, there it is. "You're beautiful" comes up repeatedly in the song right with the close-up of Lana.

Al: Fuck yes, y'all.
Miles: You think you can keep us down, fans? You think all your whiny message-board bullshit is going to stop us? Have you learned nothing?
Al: You tell 'em Miles. And speaking of James Blunt, allow me to be blunt: you guys can chomp down on this Lana sandwich right here. It's got two all-beef patties, lettuce, cheese, onions, a sesame seed bun, and the AlMiles secret sauce. Wrapped around some refried Lana! Eat it!
Miles: Then you can regurgitate it and eat it again. For another five seasons. Ha ha ha!

Wow. I am terrified. Clark makes that young mistake of trying too hard just when you're losing someone. He says he can tell that Lana's been pulling away. Lana just says, "Clark...," but she doesn't deny it. Clark says there's something he should have shown Lana a long time ago. It's a squirrel's nest. Her biological parents are really still alive. (Props, by the way, to Cyb on the forums for coming up with "Nibblenuts the Squirrel," our pick to replace Lana should she ever opt out of an expired contract with the show.)

Quick cut to the Caves of Contrivance. Clark shows Lana the Intergalactic Alpha Centauri Hold-'Em Poker Table of Teleportation. Lana says she's never seen this room before, and asks how Clark found it. The lighting is as good in here as ever. Clark says it was left here for him. "For you?" Lana asks. For him. I can't figure it out, either. Clark nervously says that he's rehearsed this a thousand times. Now, if he could just do that in every episode.... Clark pulls out the octagonal disk from his pocket. Oh, sweet octagon. Where ya been? I had almost forgotten you, given that we've had half a season where the entire plot wasn't motivated by small pieces of metal. Clark tells Lana that what he's about to show her may change the way he feels about him. It's a penis and a vagina. He's a Kryptaphrodite. Lana says that whatever it is, it's all right. Clark sticks the octagon sideways in the octagon slot. (It's a 12-in-1 USB Kryptonian memory card reader. The slot to it is for CompactFlash.) Warm, bright light flashes around them. Lana looks around while Clark, smiling, tells her that everything is fine. "Do you trust me?" he asks. He holds out his hand. Lana takes it because at this point it's take the hand or run out and risk being sliced in half or becoming a Brundlefly.

Lana and Clark are traveling through a late '90s internet commercial where data travels via curvy fiber-optic cables. They suddenly arrive somewhere snowy. Lana breathes heavily and is filled with wonder. "Oh my God," she says. Clark does his leading-man brood. "Damn, I'm smooth," he thinks. They're in the Fortress of Solitude, which isn't so solitary right now. Lana and Clark stare at each other. He says that when she asked him if he believed in life on other planets, she had no idea how ironic her question was. That's not irony, stupid. Irony is like rain on your wedding day, or dying in a plane crash when you're afraid to fly. I heard it in a song once. Clark tells Lana he's from a planet called Krypton. Lana steps forward and puts her hand on Clark's cheek. She's relieved when it doesn't turn to a puddle of goo. "But you're just like everyone else," she says. Clark picks her up. That's not so super, dude. Oh, wait! He flies! Sort of. He looks up with determination and launches himself into the air. It sure looks like he's flying. But instead he's just jumping really high to an upper level of the ice. It looks pretty precarious up there. Lana asks if it's the first time Clark's done that. She asks how many times Clark has been there saving her when she didn't know it. Man, I've lost count. Clark says that doesn't matter. The camera pulls back very far to show all the ice cliffs. "No one knew," Lana marvels. Clark doesn't stop to correct her about Chloe and Pete. Clark whines that there were so many times he wanted to tell her. "What makes today any different?" she asks. Clark says he wants her to know who he is. He holds out a black piece of coal. Oh. Thanks. You're a coal miner? Awesome. We'll have a great life together. In Kansas. Dumb-ass. Clark makes a fist, and the coal burns in a flash of bright light. Clark makes a face as he strains. I hope he's got on those adult diapers. He opens his hand. Blows some dust away. There's a perfectly formed little diamond in his hand, oh about a carat or so. Does DeBeers know about this? You know, if Clark got off his ass, he could stop all those shorties in South Africa that Kanye talks about from getting their arms cut off. Clark sets the stone on a gold band. He eyejaculates to solder the diamond to the ring. It would be hilarious if he handed it to Lana and it looked all crude and misshapen, like he made it in shop class. Then she'd have to wear it anyway. Clark gets down on one knee. He holds the ring up to Lana. "Will you marry me?" he asks. Lana looks breathless.

Opening credits. Do you think they'll cut the dead person out of the credits right away or let it ride for a few episodes?

The aftermath. Bo and MamaKent arrive at the snowy farm in the blue truck. MamaKent is amusedly saying that something was the worst joke she ever heard. Oh, snap. She's been reading my recaps. "Oh, come on, you liked it!" Bo bellows as they get out of the truck. Yeah, you liked it! Don't deny it! Here, try my knock-knocks. Bo sees Clark walking up and says he thought Clark was going to meet them at the poles. Well, whether it's North or South poles, that seems like an awful long way to...oh. Polls. Clark stops them in mid-stride to tell them something important. "I told Lana everything," Clark says, nervously. "What?" MamaKent exhales. Bo gets pissed. "...Right before I proposed to her in the Fortress," Clark finishes. MamaKent forgets all about the secret thing. She wants to know what Lana's answer was. Clark says he told Lana not to tell him right away; he thinks it's a lot to put on her at once. Ya think? Bo asks if Clark has really thought this whole thing through. Geez, Bo, look at the person you're asking. He hasn't thought ham sandwiches through yet. Clark says that if he ever wanted to share his secret with someone, it would be with Lana. Not Chloe or Pete. They suck. MamaKent says she's proud of Clark, and knows it's been weighing on him for a while. Bo scoffs, annoyed. MamaKent likens Clark's decision to Bo's election run, and says that anything like that has risks. Bo gives in and says that it's hard to look at your son and realize you're talking to a man. A man who doesn't need his father's advice anymore. A man with big, gay secrets. "I'm always gonna need you, Dad," Clark says. For at least, I dunno, fifty more minutes? Bo and Clark hug.

Water is being poured into a teapot. We pull up to see Lois Lane at The Talon. Her green blouse matches the green shelves behind her. She's talking on the phone trying to get exit poll results. She acknowledges that it's early but she's Lois, dammit. She doesn't have to be polite or make sense to anyone. She stands on a stool to try to retrieve something from atop the shelves. Lois wobbles on the stool and almost falls trying to get a box of Ding-Dongs from up there. How appropriate. Lana suddenly appears, putting her hands on Lois's waist, trying to steady her on the stool. Lois explains that she tries to keep the junk food up there, but that it's easier to reach on some days than others. Lana apologizes for being late. Lois brings out a box for Lana and says that the decorating committee can't "bunt" to save their life. Huh? ["She's talking about bunting -- you know, that red-white-and-blue fabric that you see all swagged around at political or patriotic events." -- Wing Chun] Lois asks Lana to grab something for her. Lana just stares into space. Lois asks Lana to spill it. I think enough things have been spilled at The Talon since you got here, Lois. Lois guesses that Lana's problem is "tall, dark, and bumbling." She just described the ill-fated Pink Panther film featuring basketball-playing character Inspector Kareem-Abdul Jaclouseau. Lana tries to explain without using names even though it's totally obvious that she's talking about Clark. She asks what would happen if Lois thought she knew someone really well, but then it turned out there was a whole other side to him or her. Lois, who looks old enough to have experienced about a dozen relationships like that, asks if they're in "arms-dealer territory" or if they're talking The Crying Game. Sure. Lana's seen that. Right. "Nothing like that," Lana says, suppressing a smile. Sure he's not gay? I know it's late in the game to bring that up, and it comes as a total surprise coming from me, but I just thought I'd ask. Lois says the question is whether it changes the way Lana feels about him. Lana thinks. "Maybe," she says. Didn't she just tell Clark it wouldn't? Lois hurls a giant 3-D anvil at us: she says she would be lucky to end up with someone as honorable as Clark someday. Lana half-smiles. Al and Miles pee all over themselves in glee.

Lana is driving toward the bridge again. She's getting a phone call from Lex. She ignores it. Lex's car is in pursuit.

Commercials. Lay's potato chips want you to get your smile on. Unfortunately, by the time you're done with the bag, you won't be able to get your pants on.

Talon. Lois is being taken out on a stretcher by paramedics. She jokes that she doesn't need an audience, and urges everyone to get back to the party. Clark, walking along the stretcher, advises her to get examined. Lois asks, hilariously (in Bizarro World, world, world!!!), why she has to get hauled off to "HMO Land" just because she committed "a party foul." It's not even that I dislike her, it's that I think she has no sense, no personality, no purpose, no ambition. She's like Lana used to be, plus two parts obnoxiousness. Should I stop there? Just...man! That's our Lois Lane. Pathetic, right? Clark smiles as Lois is hauled off, reveling in his smooth time-altering moves. Until Chloe comes up to him and says she lost track of Lana. You...you WHAT?! Chloe, Chloe, Chloe. I think Chloe has the best of intentions, but maybe there's a teeny, tiny, itty-bitty part of her that wanted to lose track of Lana. I wonder if Chloe messed with Lana's brakes, too. Clark looks at his watch. It's 11:01. Dude, GO!

On the road. Lex is speeding up to Lana's SUV again. Lex says he's sorry and asks if they can talk about this. I still think it's funny that he's trying to have a conversation with Lana through her closed driver's-side window.

A rowdy school bus. The driver is trying to maintain order, but people are being all Animal House up in there. The bus driver is distracted. Dramatic music plays. Clark superzips down the road. He grabs the bus by the back bumper and pulls. Lex tells Lana to "watch out!" Swerving, braking. Clark drags on the bus as Lana's SUV sails in front of it. The bus stops. The SUV stops. Clark stops. Clark ducks out of the way so as not to be seen. The bus driver breathes a sigh of relief, then just takes off again to go run into someone else. Lana gets out of her SUV. Lex gets out of his car and almost gets run over himself by a passing truck and trailer. Lana walks in a daze. Lex hugs her. Clark, disgusted, zips out before he can hear Lex apologize for what happened back at the mansion. Lana tells Lex that they should just forget it ever happened. Lex has his hand on Lana's arm as Bo drives by in his blue truck. He gives them a long leer as he passes in slow motion. Lana isn't thrilled about that. Lex says he's sorry again. Lana says it's all right, and walks back to her SUV.

Kent Farm. Bo walks into the barn. "Senator Jonathan Kent," says a very bastardous gent up in the loft. Papa Luthor, holding a folder, says that he didn't expect Bo do duck out of his victory party, but Papa showed up nevertheless -- alone, as Bo requested. Bo roughly takes off his jacket and tells Papa Luthor to come down and face him. He even calls him a son of a bitch. Wow! He is mad with power! Papa pretends to shiver, and tells Bo he should learn a little tact. Is that one of those things you push in with your thumb? Fuck that. Bo is a man. He uses nails and hammers! Bo asks Papa to cut the crap. He says he knows about the campaign funds, but also knows he's going to pay Papa back. Didn't you get Bo's check? You should...uh...wait a few days before you deposit it. No reason! It's totally cool. You know. Just deposit it...whenever. week. Papa asks how long Bo's virtuous stance is going to last when he's in office. Bo tells Papa Luthor, right to his face, that he doesn't have a puppet. Papa Luthor decides not to bring up his ventriloquist's dummy, Li'l Bastard. Papa says he should hope he didn't put his clout and money behind someone who could be anyone's puppet. He hilariously smacks Bo on the chest with his folder and says he envisions this relationship as a partnership. "The day you and I become partners...," Bo starts to threaten. "Careful, careful, careful, Senator," Papa purrs, interrupting.

Papa walks away and opens his expensive folder. He says that he and Bo share a common interest. Karaoke? Papa takes out a photo and holds it to his chest. He says that both he and Bo would protect this secret with their lives. Papa says that he has nothing but respect for a man who would hurl himself into the limelight with "such a...dangerous...secret. That must stay hidden." Oh, he's good. I mean bad. Papa hands over the photo. Bo is stunned. He gulps. He crumples up the photo. Damn you, Kodak! "I won't let you destroy my family," Bo says darkly. Bo can do that just fine on his own, thanks. He takes a quick swing at Papa Luthor. We even hear the whoosh. Bo grabs Papa Luthor and throws him over a large work area. Papa goes flying. Wow! Bo tosses a piece of wood around for no reason. He circles around as Papa Luthor gasps on the floor. "We can withstand anything you bring down on us," Bo says, "because we have each other." As Papa Luthor struggles for air and unties his tie, Bo says that's what will always separate the Kents from the Luthors. That and gobs of money. "Now why don't you get..." Bo starts, but stops as something pains him. I'm going to really lose it if he says "Narm!" Bo gasps and swallows hard. "Now why don't you get the hell off my property?" he asks Papa Luthor. Bo staggers off as Papa continues to breathe deeply. Bo walks slowly and deliberately. He stops at a post as we see lights bleed into the barn. The camera pans down to the crumpled photo. Papa Luthor grabs it. He doesn't have a copy at home?

A car arrives at the farm. MamaKent and Clark are in it. They see Bo walk out of the barn. "What's your dad doing here?" MamaKent asks. Bo lifts an arm to shield his eyes from the headlights. "Dad?" Clark says. They both realize that something is wrong. Bo falls. MamaKent calls Bo's name. The camera alternates between close shots of Bo stumbling and being helped by his family, and wide shots of the action from way back up high. Holy music plays. Clark tells Bo to sit down. Bo puts an arm around MamaKent, then an arm around Clark. He looks at each of them lovingly. Then his head falls. Bravo to Al and Miles for not giving him one last platitude to bellow softly with his dying breath. "Don't...bury me...to the Luthors," or "I left you...a list of chores...on the fridge," or "Tell the cows...I'll see them...at the crossroads." MamaKent screams. Bo's body falls to the ground. MamaKent hugs Bo's head and cries hysterically. "Dad!" Clark calls. MamaKent rubs Bo's chest like a magic lamp, but no cardiovascular genie emerges. The camera pulls very far back as MamaKent cries, "Oh, please, not yet!" More wailing. Major lump in my throat. Damn you, Bo, you finally got me. You got me to send you off with a platitude of my own. May you rest in peace, Bo Duke. Those jerks in heaven aren't going to just beautify themselves.

Commercials. This depressing death brought to you by Underworld: Evolution, a movie about vampires and werewolves and shit.

Dudes and dudettes. I'm gonna take a break. I don't want to recap the scene. And even though I kind of knew Bo wasn't long for this show (Hell, I knew that around Season 2), it still stings, and the whole rescuing-Lana thing doesn't work, and the show keeps putting us in the unfortunate position of rooting for a selfish, dumb hero who doesn't think beyond his action and lets fate and insecurity rule his life instead of choosing how he's going to live and sticking to it. We're back to square one, and it's a shitty place to be because we've been here so, so many times. This episode was supposed to be some big surprise with major consequences, but they are very small surprises delivered in the same way they've always been: landing with a thud, with a talented cast making the most of missed opportunities and loose threads. This show will never take Alias-sized risks, it will never make its mysteries half as interesting as those on Lost, and its characters run in circles, rarely developing or changing like they do on The Sopranos, or even on Gilmore Girls. I just don't know what to say. This is not a bad show. But episodes like this hint at the great show it could have been. And that stings a lot more than just seeing a crap episode. You know the irony here? No medical center scene the one time a major character really dies.

All right, it's a day later. Mournful music plays at the Kent Home, daytime. The ground and the roof are still covered in snow as the camera zooms in slowly on the yellow house. Inside, MamaKent stands in front of a living room mirror, trying to clasp her necklace. A photo of her, Clark, and Bo Duke is in front of her. Dressed in black, MamaKent turns from the mirror, breathing deeply and frustrated by the necklace. She touches the pearls to her lips and turns when Clark enters the room. He's wearing a black suit. "I guess it's time, then," MamaKent says sadly. Clark blinks a lot. "I'm sorry," he says. MamaKent takes Clark by the hands and leads him to the couch. She tells Clark that she knows he's blaming himself, but that this isn't his fault. Really? Because it kind of looked like it was. "How can you say that?" Clark sniffles. "I went back to save Lana, and now Dad is gone." MamaKent asks if Clark thinks he could have chosen between them, given the chance. MamaKent says that a heart beats only so many times in a life. Oh no! The platitude torch has been passed! There can be only one! MamaKent says that Bo used his heart more than anyone she knows. Clark blinks a lot more. He says that he doesn't know how to be the man Bo wanted him to be without him there. "You're his son," MamaKent says -- rocking the scene, by the way. She says that Clark knows right from wrong and that, whether Bo is there or not, Clark is a man Bo is proud of. Tears finally come when she says, "A man he could look up to. And something tells me he won't be the only one." They hold hands. Clark sees the necklace and asks if he can help her with it. MamaKent pulls up her hair and cries as Clark puts the necklace around her and fixes the clasp. Whoa, MamaKent's wearing some tall leather boots! "I love you, Mom," Clark says. They hug as sad music, Peter Gabriel's, "I Grieve," plays. It's a nice choice, really. MamaKent says she loves Clark, too.