A filler episode that's all about the Lex and Lana. A cop who was pinned under a car but survived when the Disciples of Zod came to town last season goes after Lex and Lana. He saw Lex and his crew ship off the alien spaceship and he wants to find the ship and take it public. Along with his fellow-cop fiancée, the guy holds Lex hostage in his own castle. A panic-room standoff occurs that gets worse when they find Lana and hold her hostage. Lex, of course, lets his guard down because of Lana and gets shot in the chest (again!?) in the process. As Lex gets weaker, he gets gushier about Lana, telling her how lucky Clark is to have her. While Lana's upset that Lex lied to her about losing the ship (not that it was his fault; the damn thing just disappeared), she's pretty grateful that Lex took a bullet for her. Unfortunately, Sheriff Cheshire gets killed while investigating at the mansion. Meanwhile, after more sexual frustration between Clark and Lana, Clark goes to Chloe and MamaKent for more advice and seems pretty close to telling Lana his secret. Bo Duke starts asking questions about his campaign finances, and finally corners Lois about it. She admits that the money is coming from Papa Luthor. Then Bo finds out that MamaKent accepted the money. He blows his stack, but then agrees to use the money as long as he can sell some of his land and pay back every cent after the election. Chloe and Clark figure out who's behind the hostage situation, and Clark saves Lana from an explosion at the ship warehouse after she lures the evil cops away from Luthor Manor. In the hospital, Clark sees Lana hugging Lex, who seems just fine after yet another gunshot wound. Clark gets jealous. How much of this is just set-up for the hundredth-episode killfest? We'll have to wait and see.
Daytime, Stately Luthor Mansion exterior. It's got that rusty blood color up at the top that always freaks me out. Inside, someone throws down a copy of the Smallville Ledger with the headline, "State senate candidates neck and neck." I bet the Smallville Ledger is just happy anyone would get worked up enough about their newspaper to throw it down on a table. Lex tells his main aide that this isn't the kind of headline he was hoping for before the election. Oh yeah. Lex and Bo Duke are running for office. I almost forgot all about that. The aide tries to make Lex feel better by saying that nobody can be that squeaky-clean. Wait. Did they just take a shower together? Aide-Man insists they'll find something to use against Bo Duke. He says the word "against" using the Sydney Poitier pronunciation handbook. Lex says it's obvious the aide has never met Bo Duke. He is a man without taint. You could run your finger up and down and all around Bo Duke, and you're unlikely to find even the hint of a taint. Some say it's a birth defect.Two sheriff's deputies enter the room. It's a tall guy and a shorter woman, both in uniform. The main sheriff's deputy is the third African-American character we've had on the show recently (including Lex's aide and Wayne Brady Lite), which has to be some sort of record on this show (and, perhaps, the entire WB). Deputy Revenge as we'll come to know him, tells Lex that they've got to get him out. There's been a bomb threat on the mansion. "A bomb?" Aide-Man asks. That's what they said, dude. Lex says his security team should have alerted him to this. Your security team? Security? Really, Lex? If somebody called in a bomb threat, your security team would think it was a balm threat and wait out front expecting a nice gift basket from Sephora. Lex goes to the phone to check on that and the deputies bust out their guns. Aide-Man goes, "Uh…Lex?" Deputy Revenge and his partner, Deputy Sidekick, start stepping forward. Revenge says Lex always has to do things the hard way. If there's one thing we've learned, it's that the limp way is not acceptable to Lex Luthor. Lex says, "Let me guess. You're not a cop." "Not anymore," Revenge answers. Lex's aide makes the dumbest and last move of his life by throwing some sort of flimsy folder at two people with guns thinking it's going to magically disarm them by three-ring-binding them to death. Then he runs away. It's therefore not all that tragic when Deputy Revenge shoots him right the fuck in the back. Lex, watching, has a remote control in his hand. He pushes a button and before you know it, he's diving into a panic room. Wow, that's convenient. I wish I had one right now:
Wing Chun: Hey, Omar, the WB just renewed Smallville for a sixth season. Twenty-two more recaps!
Omar: Really? Oh. Huh. How interesting for -- [pushes button on remote control and dives into panic room] -- ha ha! Not even a nuclear missile could get me out!
Wing Chun: You left your remote control out here.
Omar: …Goddammit.
"Stop him!" Deputy Revenge yells. Deputy Sidekick runs and tries to do that, but the metal door is sliding closed. Hilariously, the secure, supposedly massive prop metal door hesitates when she bumps up against it. She bangs it with her hand. Stupid, stupid foam core! Lex's voice is heard through a speaker in the main room.
We cut to Lex inside the panic room (Jodie Foster, what are you doing here?) as the overhead lights come online one by one. Lex tells his houseguests that whatever game they're playing, they just lost. And don't even think about bringing out the Uno deck, because Lex is a master player. You will Draw Four and you will lose. Deputy Revenge says that if Lex is trying the hardwire, good luck. He cut it a half hour ago. Inside the panic room, Lex watches his adversaries on some monitors. Revenge says he also installed a wireless scrambler. "Looks like the game has just started," the deputy says. "What do you want?" Lex asks into his hand-held intercom. Revenge says he'll give Lex a clue. "It's big, metallic and it came from outer space." Clark Kent? Lex feigns ignorance. Revenge spots a weird Troll-doll artifact on the wall with a red light in the center. It's a camera. On the monitor, Revenge says he wants the ship that landed during the meteor shower, or the panic room will be Lex's coffin. He points the gun at the camera and shoots. In the panic room, Lex flinches as the signal is lost. The camera pulls back for an overhead shot. I hope Lex has some Triscuits up in here to snack on because we've got ourselves a standoff.
Opening credits. Commercials. Underworld: Evolution. How is it that the movie is about vampires and werewolves and the most unbelievable thing in it is still Kate Beckinsale's career?
Kent Farm. Quality cow time. In the barn loft, Clark and Lana are sitting on the couch. Clark is leaning forward, concentrating on some paperwork. Lana complains that when he invited her over to study, he really meant studying. Our Big, Dumb Alien goes, "Whu?" "Kiss me," says horny Lana. Clark smiles, thinking, "I can do that!" and gives her a chaste little kiss. "Clark, what am I, your cousin?" she asks. Maeby, Maeby not. "Really kiss me," Lana demands. Yeah, Clark, give her the old pork tongue. Ugh. I just grossed myself out. It's bagels for me the rest of the week. Clark has to really think about it, then leans in for a more grown-up smooch. Lana's like, "Now give me your knee and don't move!" But before things get too hot and/or heavy, Clark pulls back and immediately says, "I've gotta go." Dude, it's your barn. Clark says he doesn't want to be late to class. He invited Lana over to study when he wasn't going to be there? Lana follows Clark and says that when they really kiss, she can feel how much he wants her. Ew. You should keep your hands to yourself, Lana. "Why can't we just be together?" she asks. "It's…complicated," Clark mutters. You see, there's fallopian tunnels and vas deferments and sacs holding honey-roasted almond-pecan nuts. It's very complex and you couldn't begin to fathom Clark's advanced biology. Lana says it shouldn't be complicated. Clark should be cock, balls, and when necessary, some sensitive t'aint. "Not when you love somebody," Lana finishes. Oh yeah. There's that.
Lana tries to walk past Clark, but he pulls her arm, which you'd think would snap it off like a dry twig. Lana drops her bag, revealing some sort of blueprint from her purse. Clark asks what it is. It looks like a schematic for a spaceship with a big "Luthorcorp" logo on the bottom-right of the sheet. Clark asks if she got this from Lex. "We've…been researching it together for the last couple of weeks," she says. No! You fact-hussy! You research-temptress! You Lexis-Nexis'd with him, didn't you!? Clark asks why she's kept this from him. She says, while bobbing her head around like she's on Springer, that every time she brings up the ship, Clark changes the subject. Oh, no she did! "I don't think there's any point in dwelling on it," Clark says. No point in…dude, it's a spaceship! Just because you had one in the garage your whole life doesn't mean the rest of us don't want one. I could use it to fly into my panic room. "I saw what came out of that ship," Lana says. Was it Michael Jackson? I bet it was Michael Jackson. Lana says she saw all the police officers get killed and that she was almost killed herself. Lana says she turned to Lex because he wants to find the truth, not avoid it. Close-up on Clark as he super-pees himself in fear.
The Lair of Lockdown. Lex watches a monitor in which Deputy Revenge is dragging the poor aide's body across the floor. "A spaceship?" Lex asks through the intercom. "Have you tried the amusement park? I think they have one you can ride for a dollar." This panic room looks expensive. They couldn't give you monitors that aren't monochromatic green, Lex? Revenge says he saw Lex take the ship from the field after it landed. Lex says that's crazy. "Does this look crazy to you?" Revenge asks, holding up a scalded, deformed hand. That does look pretty fucking crazy, dude. Revenge says he was on the scene when the response team got wiped out. He gets emotional when he says he was under his cruiser, half-dead, when Lex and his team rolled up and collected the spaceship. Revenge is mad that nobody checked for survivors. Lex says he's sorry, but he still doesn't know what the guy is talking about. Revenge notes aptly that Lex will make a great politician; he sounds like he believes his own lies. Lex tells Revenge that he had this room designed after the incident at the missile silo. It can withstand a nuclear blast. Lex says Revenge will never get in here. "You'll never get out," Revenge counters. The wireless system is locked and Lex's security team is in the basement. Sure, but Lex is a politician in the middle of a campaign. There's a lot more chance someone will notice he's missing than not. Lex uses his remote control to pan a camera around the room. He notices something on a wall that has a strange, wire-like light on it. Lex says it's a stalemate. Revenge says he'll have a find a way to break it. Very dramatic music plays to distract from the fact that not a damn thing is happening.
Clark and MamaKent are walking along, chatting. She's carrying a white bucket full of Clark's hair product. He's just told her that Lana is helping Lex research the spaceship. Clark is fuming that Lana lied to him for weeks. Asshole! MamaKent points out that Clark's been less than honest with her, too. So many times that humans don't have a number that goes that high. MamaKent says it's not easy to be truthful with the one you love if it might hurt them. She glances off-frame, embroiled in her own dishonesty dilemma. Clark whines that things were perfect when he lost his powers. Now, all he does is lie to her. "I wish I could just tell her," he mopes. MamaKent says she's not advocating that, but that after telling Pete and Chloe, they both accepted Clark just fine. "I'm an alien," he says. MamaKent says they accepted him as a friend whom they love very much. Clark wonders if Lana would feel the same way. MamaKent says that if she doesn't, then maybe she's not the one Clark's meant to be with. "I can't imagine ever loving anyone else," Clark says intensely. Just then, I get bonked on the head by the anvil of Lois Lane pulling up in the fabulous 2006 Ford Fusion. Boy, we've missed you, Ford Fusion. Lois Lane greets them and Clark purses his lips like he's drinking bad lemonade. Lois asks for Bo in the most convoluted way possible, including the phrase "billionaire butt" in reference to what part of Lex they'd like to kick. MamaKent says Bo's in the barn. "Salt of the earth. Voters love that," Lois says. Clark is still annoyed. Lois tells him to turn that frown upside down because unhappy family members reflect badly at the polls. Right, because there's not a single person for miles around. She smacks Clark on the shoulder as she walks by. Oh, yeah. She's going to make an awesome Real Lois Lane. I can't fucking wait. Clark says he's looking forward to the end of the campaign.
Bo is in the barn when he should be out kissing babies. He's on a cordless phone, telling someone that he's trying to give people a chance to live with dignity no matter what their income. Bo tells the person on the phone that he doesn't care how big Lex Luthor's bank account is. Bo goes on to say that if they need any more comment, they can call his campaign manager, Lois Lane. Yeah, I don't think they'll be hearing back from whoever that was. Lois tells Bo, as they walk out of the barn together, that he's getting savvy with the interviews. Bo says he's done enough of them. He thinks he has a phone growing out of his ear. That's just corn. Lois calls him "Senator" and says it's the homestretch. Lois goes over her endgame plan. Lots of print ads, radio ads, billboards "littering the interstate like roadkill," and spots on every TV station until the election. Bo, fixing something under the hood of a truck, says Lois deserves a raise. She chuckles that she's not getting paid. Bo tells Lois this is all great, but he wonders how they can afford all this. Lois lies badly and tells Bo not to worry about it; she's got it covered. Lois goes over his schedule for the few days. Bo plays with his wrench.
A Smallville back road at night. Lana is driving and talking on her cell phone using the largest hands-free earpiece I've seen in years. It reaches nearly all the way to her lips. Did she borrow that from someone at Time/Life books? Lana is telling Chloe about her fight with Clark and asking what she's supposed to do when Clark shuts down their conversations about meteors or spaceships. Just then, police lights flash behind Lana's vehicle. Lana scoffs. Ugh. Like, how annoying. She takes off her headset and pulls over. As the officer comes over, Lana apologizes for driving a little too fast. "That's the least of your problems, Miss Lang," says the cop, who has a gun pulled on her. It's Deputy Revenge's partner, Deputy Sidekick.
Luthor Manor. The panic room. Lex is looking tired when he suddenly sees Lana on the monitor. She's being pushed into his office. "What are you doing?!" she yells. "Shut your mouth!" Deputy Revenge tells her. He is a bad mother. Lex tells the deputies to let Lana go. Oh, sure, that's cool, we were just kidding. We'll just let her go here and be on our merry -- heeeeey, wait a minute! Damn you, you're wily, Mr. Luthor. Lana asks why they're doing this. "They're looking for a spaceship," Lex says. Lana plays along: "What spaceship?" she asks. "Is everybody stupid around here?" Deputy Sidekick asks. In a word? Yes. Lex says Lana doesn't know anything. Deputy Revenge knows that Lana was there when the ship crashed. Revenge says he also knows they've been spending lots of time together lately. "So get your ass out here now!" he tells Lex. Can he get his ass to Mars instead, like John Kimble? Revenge points his gun at Lana's head. That glove must fit tightly over his scarred and awful hand. "I guess you're not as important after all," Revenge whispers to Lana. I keep expecting Al and Miles to jump into the room, yelling, "No, she totally is! This is just for drama!" Lex opens the door to the panic room. "Step out!" Deputy Sidekick calls. Lex walks out slowly. "Check him," Revenge says. Yeah, check him out. Yowza. Still sexy. Sidekick frisks Lex. Lex assures Lana he's not going to let this psycho hurt her. Lana tries to disarm Revenge. Lex tries the same with Sidekick. Much struggling and elbowing. Lana runs behind Lex. Lex takes Sidekick's gun and shoots the wireless scrambler up against the far wall. Revenge finds his pistol and takes two shots at Lex as he tries to dive back into the panic room. The door closes. Lex checks to make sure Lana's all right as they both stand up. Lex doesn't notice that he's been shot right in the chest. Again. Lana unbuttons his shirt. Yep, that's a bullet hole all right. Another overhead shot of the room.
Commercials. Mmm, new iMacs. Tasty.
The Talon. It's been converted to Kent campaign headquarters, and as folks walk around with cheesy little election hats, Lois is negotiating with someone named "Bob" on the phone for primetime TV coverage. She promises the potential donor that for $10,000, she'll make sure that he gets a personal invite to the inaugural ball. Yippee. "I'll save ya a dance," she says, finishing the conversation. Bo Duke enters the room, wearing his brown coat and unflashy flannel. "Wow. Primetime. That must have cost a bit, huh?" he asks. Lois says that her feminine wiles prevailed. "Bob's got a crush on me," she says. "Well, parts of me," she adds, looking down at her breasts, presently bulging against a tight green top. Wow, I'm not sure there are any parts of Lois we should keep on this show. Bo asks all the "nice people" in the room to excuse him and Lois for a bit so they can chat alone. Everyone leaves. One little guy in a Star Trek red ensign shirt circles around the room, taking his time to exit. I'm sure he gets zapped by Klingons in the room. Speaking of cling-ons, Lois says, "Thanks, boss," as Bo piles on a few compliments praising her work on getting all these last-minute spots for the campaign. Lois walks away sipping some coffee as Bo adds that it all must be very expensive. Lois says again that she's got it covered. Bo says he's been crunching some numbers. Literally. With a rock and some tablets. He says the figures don't add up and they're spending more than they have. Welcome to America, Bo! Try our $4.50 coffee. Lois says she called in a few favors. "Lois," he says, stopping her before she can blather on for five minutes, "you've got to stop sidestepping my question." He asks where the money is coming from. Remember that one time when Lois was a stripper? Why do you think all the campaign contributions have been coming in as damp $1 bills? "Lionel Luthor," Lois says, ruining my fantastic plot twist. Bo sighs and walks the other way. Lois follows, telling him the campaign would have folded weeks ago if not for Papa Luthor's slightly-less-damp wads of cash. Lois rationalizes that it was the right thing to do because they actually have a chance to win now. "What is the point if the Devil owns your soul?" Bo hellfires. I'm going to take a wild guess on where Bo falls on the evolution vs. intelligent design debate. Lois says it's not like that. For one thing, Papa Luthor had his forked tail removed via cosmetic surgery. Lois says this isn't about Bo, it's about Papa Luthor wanting Lex to lose. Bo bellows that Lois doesn't know Papa Luthor like he does. The mountain was cold and the sleeping bag was so, so warm. Bo says Papa Luthor never gives anyone anything for free (except viewing pleasure, my friends). "And now," Bo says sadly, "I'm the one who's going to have to pay." Bo exits. He wonders why there's a red shirt on the ground with singe marks on it and blood everywhere.
Metropolis at night. Chloe is in a tastefully decorated room, looking at papers on a very small bed. Something whooshes into the room, sending her papers flying everywhere. "Clark!" Chloe says. "Can you at least put on the brakes before you tornado my homework?" Clark says he's sorry. Chloe puts her homework away, reasoning that Dostoyevsky's Idiot isn't going to get any smarter. Nor is our protagonist. Chloe says Miss Sullivan's advice column is open for letters. Without any preamble, Clark says, "Lana and I had another fight." Clark seriously needs more friends. This is ridiculous. Chloe says she already talked to Lana about the fight. Clark wants to know what she said. Chloe goes over the headlines, adding, "Forced to turn to everyone's favorite villain-in-waiting." Clark asks how long Lana's been working with Lex on the spaceship. Chloe says it's the first she's heard of it. Clark comes over to the bed with only asshole intent. He asks Chloe to ask that time she speaks to Lana. Chloe isn't cool with being asked to spy on a friend. She says there's no way she's getting in the middle of this. Clark frowns. Then Chloe's phone rings. "Is that Lana?" Clark asks. Chloe picks up her Treo and answers. Chloe tells the person on the phone that Lana hasn't been back to her dorm room at all. Chloe tells Clark it was the Smallville Sheriff's Department. They found Lana's car by the side of the road.
The side of the road. Flares and multiple police cars with lights flashing line the scene. Wow, they're really going to do a full-scale police investigation into a car by the side of the road when the person hasn't even been missing for more than a few hours? Sheriff Cheshire tells her one deputy to start a perimeter search. It's going to take him a while. Clark shows up. Cheshire asks if Clark just fell out of the sky. "Where's Lana?" he asks. Oh, she's right here. They're just having a block party in her honor, dumb-ass. Cheshire asks when he last saw Lana. He says it was a few hours ago and they had a fight. "Lots of people in love do, Mr. Kent," Cheshire says. Not "Well, that makes you a suspect, Mr. Kent"? Cheshire says she intends to give Clark and Lana the chance to make up. Cheshire says Lana's purse was left behind, and she'd guess this was a kidnapping. So the rogue deputies didn't take Lana's purse, the one with the big spaceship blueprints in it? Nice. Clark uses his x-ray vision to examine the car. He sees a small device with a blinking light and an antenna in the wheel well. His x-ray vision can detect an LED light blinking? Clark reaches into the well and pulls out a small device. "It's a GPS," Clark tells the sheriff. "How in the Sam Spade did you know how to find this?" she asks Clark. He calls it a hunch. She tells him again that she wouldn't mind having a guy like him on the force, "instead of some of these hayseeds." Cheshire spots a serial number on the GPS. When she finishes reading it off, Clark superzips out of the scene. Cheshire can't find Clark. A deputy tells Cheshire that a silent alarm went off at the Luthor mansion and that they have Deputy Sidekick checking it out. Cheshire radios to Sidekick asking what's up. Sidekick says it was a false alarm. Isn't this the part where Lex should yell, "Help!" through the intercom as the radio signal to the sheriff is wide open? Cheshire tells her people to keep searching. She goes to her car to head up Luthor way.
Luthor Manor. Deputy Revenge asks his captives if it's getting a little hot in the panic room. He says he hacked the climate control and it should get up to 130 degrees soon. Whose heating system even goes up that high? Revenge asks how Lex's wound is doing; he knows he got Lex. Lana is scrambling with supplies to try to find something to stop Lex's bleeding. She says she can't do it. Lex says it's all right. He thinks help will be on the way soon. Lex tells Lana about shooting out the wireless scrambler. He says that if they were at the fair, he'd have won her a stuffed giraffe. Lana, close to tears, says she'd have like that more than having Lex get shot trying to protect her. Lana thanks Lex for that. Lex, weakening, puts his hand on Lana's shoulder. She asks why Lex doesn't just tell them where the ship is being held. Lex says he can't tell them the truth because they'd both be killed. He doesn't elaborate. On the monitors, Lex and Lana notice Sheriff Cheshire coming into the area. Can't they call for help now?
In the hallway leading to Lex's office, Cheshire runs into Deputy Sidekick. Sidekick says she already called it in as a false alarm. Cheshire says that if the billionaire running for office gets elected, she does want her rear chewed out for not showing up in person. Ew. Sidekick tries to say that Lex is out and Cheshire gets mad for standing down an alarm without talking to the primary resident. "Now get your head in the game!" she yells. Cheshire strides into the office. She sees the dead aide and draws her gun. She sees Deputy Revenge. He draws his own gun. Cheshire doesn't shoot. Someone else does, though. Cheshire flinches. Lowers her hands. Drops her gun. She unzips her jacket and sees a huge bullet hole in the center of her chest. She scoffs. "Well, ain't that a mother?" she says, and falls. Deputy Sidekick is standing behind her, aiming the smoking gun. Lana sees what happened on the monitor with alarm. She gulps. And with that, we say goodbye to Sheriff Cheshire. We'll miss you. You were kinda awesome for a while.
Commercials. A dude is calling his girl and asking her what she wants from McDonald's. If I tried that shit on my wife, I might as well not come home afterward.
A helicopter flies across the Metropolis skyline. It flies past the rotating golden globe at the top of The Daily Planet. Inside, a freshly rouged Clark whines, "Why is this taking so long?" as he stares at a Dell flat-panel monitor. Chloe says that getting past a server's firewall and encryption protocol takes some time. Look at the computer skills on Miss Chloe! You mean to tell me Lois knows how to do that? Chloe tells Clark she doesn't have a super-speed mode and cutely throws him off her computer chair. "But I am the slickest blonde you'll ever meet," Chloe says as she smiles and gets a result from the computer. If Chloe is slick, I'm going to say that Lana is arid and that Lois is just sandpaper. Chloe has tracked down the serial number on the GPS and traced it to Deputy Revenge. "What have you got on him?" Clark asks. Whoa, slow down, Dragnet. Chloe types something and assures Clark that she'll have everything on the guy in just a minute. "Clark, Lana's going to be okay," she says to Clark, "she has you, doesn't she?" That's what worries us.
Chloe finds the profile on Revenge. Clark recognizes him as a Smallville police officer. A neatly organized Web page shows his very private medical information. He was put on psychiatric leave after getting wounded in the meteor shower. Chloe and Clark figure out that he must have been the lone survivor the day the Kryptonians landed. Chloe says it's no wonder the guy had a psychotic break. Can we please stop with the "psychotic break" talk already? Clark mumbles, asking why he kidnapped Lana. Chloe guesses that since Lana was there when the ship landed, there might be some motivation there. She grabs her purse and starts walking as Clark follows, suggesting if they get into his psych information, they can figure out what he's up to. That's a roundabout way of going about things when they could just track the guy down and talk to him, isn't it?
Bo's Barn of Shame. Bo Duke chunks an axe into a block of wood as he moans to MamaKent about how he can't believe Lois would stab him in the back with Papa Luthor's campaign contribution. MamaKent tells him it wasn't Lois's fault. Whoa, watch out there -- he's carrying around that axe. As Bo goes over to sharpen the blade, MamaKent confesses to being the one who took the money. I really expected Bo to lose a finger here. Instead, sparks fly as the blade turns a weird angle and Bo turns off the rotating sharpener. Bo asks how she could do that. Well, taking the check was easy, but depositing it at their little bank was…oh. You mean emotionally. MamaKent says she knows how much Bo wants to make a difference in the world like their son does every day. MamaKent says she loves Bo so much, she wants to give him that chance. Bo says he only wanted to owe anything to the people who voted for him. He bellows that now he's no different than any other lying (axe smacked into block of wood) politician. MamaKent says the Rotary Club and Farmer's Association and everyone else who contributed will be asking for favors, too. Bo says he won't do anything he doesn't believe in. She asks why it's any different with Papa Luthor. Bo gives her a look of disbelief and says she must know it's not the same. MamaKent says nothing is black or white in politics. She tells him not to let his pride get in the way of helping lots of people. She scoffs and walks away. Bo's going to have to consult about that with his most important constituents, the cows.
The panic room. Lana, sweaty and down to a skimpy blouse, watches as Deputies Revenge and Sidekick are bickering a bit about how many more people have to die. Revenge is convinced Lex won't hold out much longer. Lana notices Lex drifting off, and pulls him up to wake him. She warns him that he's in shock and needs to stay awake or he may die. Lana, practically straddling him, asks him to tell her something, anything at all. "Do you think I'd look better with hair?" Lex asks. Lana stops, then laughs. She says she hasn't thought about it. "Oh, I have," Lex says seriously. He says he's thought about lots of things. "Clark has really nice hair," he says suddenly. He stares off dreamily, visualizing every follicle and where it goes. It's the Gayest Look of the Episode. Lana supposed Clark does. "Does he know?" Lex asks. "That he has nice hair?" Lana replies. Those aren't my jokes, folks. Lex, breathing hard, asks if Clark knows how lucky he is to have Lana. Lana gets very sad all of a sudden. Lex brings up his recent dream. He says it was a dream about how different things could be. "Clark and I were friends again." Lana says that sounds nice. Lex says Lana was in the dream, too. He touches her face. "You were the best part about it," he says. Lana looks like she's going to cry. Lana tells Lex to just give the deputies what they want. Lex says he can't because he doesn't know where it went. Lex explains that it was there one minute, there was static on a security camera, and boom, it was gone. Lana seems a lot more upset about the ship than Lex dying right in front of her. She asks how long he's known. "A few weeks," he says. She asks how he could have lied to her this entire time. It wasn't this entire time, Lana, it was a few weeks. Lex says he didn't know how to tell her the truth. Lana does cry now. He says he was hoping to find it again before Lana knew it was gone. "I should have been honest with you," he says, and starts to doze. Lana panics and tries to get him to wake up. The camera pulls back as Lana scrambles to open the door.
Lana outside the panic room is a lot more calm. She tells the deputies she'll show them the ship if they get help for Lex. Deputy Revenge pokes his head into the panic room and sees Lex unconscious. "I've seen worse," he says. Have you seen worse that didn't involve people getting fried by aliens? Revenge says he'll make the call for help when they've found the ship. Inside the panic room, Lex moans, "Lana, don't." She does. Dumb-ass. In the panic room, Lex is still alive, but wondering how he could have fallen for Lana.
Commercials. Back when the internet was still shiny and novel, I would have thought it was cool that Harrison Ford was in a movie called Firewall. Now, it just makes me sad.
Smallville Medical Center. It's time for our weekly shot in the arm. Ow. Chloe and Clark are trying to sneak into the psychiatry wing. They stare through a glass door as Chloe formulates a plan to get in that involves hacking into a visitor's log to get guest passes that'll convince a guard eating his lunch to let them through. "I got it," Clark says instead. He whooshes through the door. I don't remember there being this much wind whenever Clark uses his super-speed. Maybe he's leaving some fart behind just for Chloe. Pheromones don't work like that, Clark. Clark comes right back. Chloe asks what he did. The guard opens up his Diet Coke and it spills all over him. Chloe laughs. "Supershake," she says. The guard gets up to clean himself off. "Not bad. Not bad," Chloe tells Clark. They make it inside.
Inside the aptly named "Psychiatry Office," Chloe and Clark have already found videotape of one of Deputy Revenge's psychiatric sessions. He's explaining about the spaceship. His arm is in a splint. He tells the wacky story about the aliens and how he could smell something burning under the car and realized it was himself. "I was burning," he says. The itching. The burning. But he didn't scream because he'd have gotten crisped even worse. In the video, Revenge insists that he's not crazy. He does so by standing up and going crazy until two orderlies grab him and try to calm him down. "He has the ship!" Revenge yells. "Lex," Chloe surmises. Clark zips out of the room before Chloe can say that Lex's place is where they must be. "Damn, I wish I could do that," Chloe mutters.
Lair of Lex. Clark zips into the scene. "Sheriff?" he asks when he sees Cheshire lying on the floor. Well, ain't that a dead sheriff. Clark just blinks in sadness. He finds the panic room with Lex inside, bleeding. Lex looks dead, too.
A warehouse near Metropolis. How many hours later is this? "All right, we're here. Make the call and get Lex help!" Lana whines. Yeah. That's going to happen. Lana asks if they just plan to get in and fly away with the ship. The plan, according to Deputy Sidekick, is just to make the ship public. They plan to use explosives to attract attention and get everybody there. Why not try an Evite? Deputy Sidekick is bitter that Revenge got sent away for telling the truth. She says they wouldn't even let her see him and she's his fiancée. Deputy Revenge is worried more ships are coming. He says this is the right thing to do. Lana scoffs and tells him to relay that to the dead sheriff. They enter the main area of the warehouse. There's lots of pretty lights, but no ship. Deputy Revenge runs forward to make sure it's not Wonder Woman's invisible jet. "Where is it?" he yells with great enunciation. Lana says it was here before. He pulls a gun on Lana. "Don't lie to me," he says. Lana telegraphs chipmunk determination. Lana pulls a lever that just happens to be to her. Then she elbows Deputy Sidekick. A bunch of steel tubes magically roll down and clobber Deputy Revenge. He drops the suitcase he was carrying with the explosives. It opens, revealing the cliché of a one-minute digital countdown timer. Lana kick-boxes Deputy Sidekick into submission. She gets punched and kicked a bit herself until she falls down, unconscious.
Clark at the hospital. "Lex? Lex? Where's Lana?" Clark asks. He waited all the way 'til the hospital to ask that? "Get this guy out here!" the paramedic yells. "Warehouse 15," Lex manages, as he pulls off his oxygen mask. Yeah. Specific. Thanks. Clark turns and leaves without so much as a "Hope you survive that gunshot wound! Later!" He dramatically strides into the hall before superzipping out of there.
The warehouse of soon-to-be explosiveness. Deputy Sidekick helps free Deputy Revenge from the one steel tube that decided to roll over him. She's able to lift it, so it must be something lighter, like aluminum. He yells that they need to get the case with the explosives. Uh oh. They both scramble for it. He tries to punch in a code while his lady friend begs him to just leave it and get out of there. He lays it down and they run.
Clark whooshes toward the warehouse. He pauses outside to x-ray vision the building. Wouldn't whooshing inside be faster? He sees a lame, overused, pretty little skeleton and decides it's the one he wants. He zips inside just as the suitcase explodes. Clark runs through the explosion, picks up Lana just as the flames are reaching her, and rushes out of there. The warehouse explodes dramatically. Outside, the deputies are thrown by the explosion. They flop along the ground. Are they dead? Who the Hell knows? Clark doesn't cover Lana's body with his own, but somehow she still escapes unharmed from all the flames around them. Lana wakes up. "Clark? What happened?" she asks. Clark says Lex told him where to find Lana. He says when he got there, he found her lying on the ground. Yeah, I'm not thinking that story's going to hold for the long haul. Lana says she doesn't understand. "You're alive. That's all that matters," Clark says. Lots of CGI black smoke is added to an overhead shot of the burning factory.
Commercials. Reba is celebrating its 100th episode, too. I wonder whom they're killing off.
Deputy Revenge got his wish: there's all kinds of police and fire trucks on the scene. Unfortunately, he's being hauled away again, even as he tells the authorities that Lana knows about the spaceship. Little green men? Sure, buddy. You can tell us all about it downtown. Clark, with his sooty red jacket, might want to explain how it got singed when he just showed up and found Lana outside. Clark goes to Lana. A rescue worker mutters, "What a nut," about Deputy Revenge. Professional, that. Clark asks how Lana's doing. She says she's fine, considering she almost got blown up. Man, we can only wish, huh? Clark tries to blame Lex for risking Lana's life. She tells Clark that it was her idea to lure the deputies over there, and that Lex actually saved her life by taking a bullet. Yeah, it means a lot more when the bullets don't just bounce off your chest, Clark. Clark's a little upset that Lana risked her life for Lex.
Kent home. A commercial is running with Bo waving as an American flag waves in the background. "A good man," the voice-over says, "the man who knows the value of an honest day's work." Bo and MamaKent are watching the ad as Lois, with her clipboard and business suit, asks what they think. Bo thinks the flag is a bit much. Ya think? MamaKent says nothing says America like the stars and stripes. How about the music group America? Lois apologizes for taking the money from Papa Luthor. Bo and MamaKent exchange a look. "Lois. He knows," MamaKent tells her. Bo chews out Lois a little for not telling him that. Lois says the decision to use the money was still hers. Lois tells Bo he's going to be a great senator, but it wouldn't have happened without Papa Luthor. Bo says that by taking he money, he's no longer that guy on TV. "And I'm no longer the man you married," Bo says to MamaKent. Good. That guy was a jackass. Bo says he intends to pay back Papa Luthor every cent. Bo's going to eBay his cow cup. And I am going to bid on it, goddammit. Bo shows off a check to MamaKent. You really should get one of those huge ones that they give away in the lottery. Much more dramatic. Bo says he sold "the back forty" that morning. MamaKent says the land's been in his family for generations. Bo says he's never done anything with it and should have sold it sooner. Coming soon to the Kent Farm: a big-ass Home Depot. Bo kisses MamaKent's forehead. He hands the check to Lois and says it's just a start. MamaKent says she'll help, too. There's $1.39 in change in the tip jar at The Talon. It's all yours, Bo. Bo hugs MamaKent. Lois asks what happens in the meantime; what to they do if Papa Luthor wants something? Bo says he'll find out, but for now, he's got an election to win. "Absolutely," Lois says. Are you sure you don't want to add about a hundred unnecessary words to that? No? Good, let's move on.
Lex Luthor's Smallville hospital room. Another near-fatal injury, another bouquet of flowers on the bedside table. Lex, bandaged up, gets up from the hospital bed with a grunt. He is the 50 Cent of primetime TV. Lex tries to walk around the room and it takes some effort. Lana walks into the room. She says it doesn't look like bed rest. Lex says he was never very good at taking things lying down. Ask Clark. "You are a Luthor," Lana says. "Yeah," Lex sighs, "I guess I am." Lex apologizes again for losing the ship. Lana says it doesn't matter. It would still be gone. Lex says that at least she wouldn't hate him for it. Lana struggles, but says slowly, "I don't hate you, Lex." She thanks him for saving her life. Lex says Lana is one of the few good things in his life. One of the others? Pom Wonderful juice. Lex hopes that won't change. "Well, that depends on you," Lana says, "all I ever asked for was the truth." Lex promises that's all she'll ever get from now on. Lex says they don't have the ship, but they can still try to find it and solve all the mysteries that go with hit. Long looks. "Partners?" Lex asks, extending a hand. "No," Lana says, breaking Lex's wee heart. Smiling, she says, "Let's try being friends." With privileges? Lana hugs Lex. Ow! My bullet wound! Can't…breathe…call…nurse…wheeze! They hug for a really, really long time. Behind them, Clark gets out of an elevator and sees them together. Lana turns and sees Clark. Or she thinks she does. He's already gone. Lex asks what's the matter. Lana says it's nothing. Lana looks again to make sure.
Daily Planet. Chloe and Clark are walking down some stairs, being as indiscreet as possible with their loud-ass conversation. Clark is whining that Lana was only in danger because of Lex. Clark says Lex twists everything around, one lie on top of another. Ha. This is hilarious. Chloe says she does think Lex is a snake ("I've seen his scales," she says), but she admires that Lex took a bullet for Lana. Clark says, "I saved her from a bomb. Doesn't that mean anything?" You have superpowers! Jackass! It's not risking your life if it can't hurt you. Chloe says it would mean something to Lana if she knew about it. Chloe says that the only reason Lana went to Lex was to learn about the spaceship. Clark connects the dots that if he'd been honest in the first place, she wouldn't have had to. Clark sits down and sighs. "I love her so much, Chloe," Clark says. Chloe takes a moment with that and says, "I know." She tells Clark that all he's doing is pushing her away. Clark says he wants them to be together for the rest of their lives. Chloe says the only way that'll happen is if he tells her the truth. Dramatic music. Clark is stumped by the sheer weight of honesty.