Big events happen this week. Clark confesses his secret to Lana by taking her to the Fortress of Solitude (quick, hide the ice dildos!). He then does the lump-of-coal-into-diamonds trick and solders the diamond to a gold band. With his eyes. He asks Lana to marry him, but gives her time to think about it. Lana thinks about it and decides yes, she will marry this big, dumb alien. At Bo Duke's election night headquarters, The Talon, Bo finds out he's won the senatorial election. Lana slips out to visit a depressed and drunk Lex, who sees Lana's engagement ring and flies off the handle, trying to get her to reveal Clark's secret. Lana flees, gets on an icy bridge and, while pursued by Lex, is run into by a school bus. Clark gets there late, but not too late to emote for once. Noooo! Lana! So Lana's dead.
But wait, there's more! Clark goes to the Fortress and learns from Jarnelle that unlike Cher, he actually can turn back time. Clark finds a way to go back in time to his asking Lana to marry him. Instead, he tells lies and alienates her even more. Clark tries to get Chloe to help protect Lana from her potential death, but Chloe totally drops the ball. The election night goes as planned except that Lois gets electrocuted, which is a red herring because she's totally fine. Lana goes to Lex's again, but this time he tries to put the moves on her and she flees in embarrassment. Clark stops the bus in time to save Lana. Bo gets a call from Papa Luthor, who is acting shady as soon as Bo is elected. Bo, meeting Papa Luthor in the barn, is confronted with a photo we don't see that Papa threatens him with; likely, it's evidence of Clark's powers. Bo talks smack and roughs up Papa Luthor. But it's Bo who is the more roughed-upon. He staggers out of the barn and falls just as Clark and MamaKent get home. He dies of a heart attack. Clark and MamaKent are devastated and we get a slow-motion snowy funeral that tops the similar one they had for Whitney so long ago. So, deleting all the exciting changes in the first half, we're sort of back to square one, minus Bo. Which doesn't seem like that fair a trade, to be perfectly honest.
And it's here. Episode 100. Death awaits us. Was it worth the wait? Was it worth all those snowy coffin promos?
There's snow all over Kent Farm. We hear the opening strums of "You're Beautiful" by James Blunt, a song my wife really likes ever since we saw him perform it on Saturday Night Live a few months ago. We didn't know who this guy was, but I thought he looked just like Tori Amos with all the googly faces he was making at us. In any case, he's just as ruined as Maroon 5 by the time we're done here. It's going to make you just up and hate the song. In the barn, Clark is nervously playing with something in his hand as the camera creeps up behind him. The song gets off on the wrong foot right away when it tries to use the word "brilliant" in the lyrics while the camera is focused on Clark. Lana appears behind him, saying that she brought the gloves and scarf he requested. Clark says he was worried that she wouldn't come. You've got to have sex with her, first, fool. Lana, who seems in relatively good spirits, says she didn't think a mystery date was what their relationship needs right now. Light bondage and whips? Perhaps. Clark looks out of breath. Lana is standing close enough to be able to tell that Clark's heart is racing. Clark says he's terrified. Oh, there it is. "You're beautiful" comes up repeatedly in the song right with the close-up of Lana.
Al: Fuck yes, y'all.
Miles: You think you can keep us down, fans? You think all your whiny message-board bullshit is going to stop us? Have you learned nothing?
Al: You tell 'em Miles. And speaking of James Blunt, allow me to be blunt: you guys can chomp down on this Lana sandwich right here. It's got two all-beef patties, lettuce, cheese, onions, a sesame seed bun, and the AlMiles secret sauce. Wrapped around some refried Lana! Eat it!
Miles: Then you can regurgitate it and eat it again. For another five seasons. Ha ha ha!
Wow. I am terrified. Clark makes that young mistake of trying too hard just when you're losing someone. He says he can tell that Lana's been pulling away. Lana just says, "Clark...," but she doesn't deny it. Clark says there's something he should have shown Lana a long time ago. It's a squirrel's nest. Her biological parents are really still alive. (Props, by the way, to Cyb on the forums for coming up with "Nibblenuts the Squirrel," our pick to replace Lana should she ever opt out of an expired contract with the show.)
Quick cut to the Caves of Contrivance. Clark shows Lana the Intergalactic Alpha Centauri Hold-'Em Poker Table of Teleportation. Lana says she's never seen this room before, and asks how Clark found it. The lighting is as good in here as ever. Clark says it was left here for him. "For you?" Lana asks. For him. I can't figure it out, either. Clark nervously says that he's rehearsed this a thousand times. Now, if he could just do that in every episode.... Clark pulls out the octagonal disk from his pocket. Oh, sweet octagon. Where ya been? I had almost forgotten you, given that we've had half a season where the entire plot wasn't motivated by small pieces of metal. Clark tells Lana that what he's about to show her may change the way he feels about him. It's a penis and a vagina. He's a Kryptaphrodite. Lana says that whatever it is, it's all right. Clark sticks the octagon sideways in the octagon slot. (It's a 12-in-1 USB Kryptonian memory card reader. The slot to it is for CompactFlash.) Warm, bright light flashes around them. Lana looks around while Clark, smiling, tells her that everything is fine. "Do you trust me?" he asks. He holds out his hand. Lana takes it because at this point it's take the hand or run out and risk being sliced in half or becoming a Brundlefly.
Lana and Clark are traveling through a late '90s internet commercial where data travels via curvy fiber-optic cables. They suddenly arrive somewhere snowy. Lana breathes heavily and is filled with wonder. "Oh my God," she says. Clark does his leading-man brood. "Damn, I'm smooth," he thinks. They're in the Fortress of Solitude, which isn't so solitary right now. Lana and Clark stare at each other. He says that when she asked him if he believed in life on other planets, she had no idea how ironic her question was. That's not irony, stupid. Irony is like rain on your wedding day, or dying in a plane crash when you're afraid to fly. I heard it in a song once. Clark tells Lana he's from a planet called Krypton. Lana steps forward and puts her hand on Clark's cheek. She's relieved when it doesn't turn to a puddle of goo. "But you're just like everyone else," she says. Clark picks her up. That's not so super, dude. Oh, wait! He flies! Sort of. He looks up with determination and launches himself into the air. It sure looks like he's flying. But instead he's just jumping really high to an upper level of the ice. It looks pretty precarious up there. Lana asks if it's the first time Clark's done that. She asks how many times Clark has been there saving her when she didn't know it. Man, I've lost count. Clark says that doesn't matter. The camera pulls back very far to show all the ice cliffs. "No one knew," Lana marvels. Clark doesn't stop to correct her about Chloe and Pete. Clark whines that there were so many times he wanted to tell her. "What makes today any different?" she asks. Clark says he wants her to know who he is. He holds out a black piece of coal. Oh. Thanks. You're a coal miner? Awesome. We'll have a great life together. In Kansas. Dumb-ass. Clark makes a fist, and the coal burns in a flash of bright light. Clark makes a face as he strains. I hope he's got on those adult diapers. He opens his hand. Blows some dust away. There's a perfectly formed little diamond in his hand, oh about a carat or so. Does DeBeers know about this? You know, if Clark got off his ass, he could stop all those shorties in South Africa that Kanye talks about from getting their arms cut off. Clark sets the stone on a gold band. He eyejaculates to solder the diamond to the ring. It would be hilarious if he handed it to Lana and it looked all crude and misshapen, like he made it in shop class. Then she'd have to wear it anyway. Clark gets down on one knee. He holds the ring up to Lana. "Will you marry me?" he asks. Lana looks breathless.
Opening credits. Do you think they'll cut the dead person out of the credits right away or let it ride for a few episodes?
The aftermath. Bo and MamaKent arrive at the snowy farm in the blue truck. MamaKent is amusedly saying that something was the worst joke she ever heard. Oh, snap. She's been reading my recaps. "Oh, come on, you liked it!" Bo bellows as they get out of the truck. Yeah, you liked it! Don't deny it! Here, try my knock-knocks. Bo sees Clark walking up and says he thought Clark was going to meet them at the poles. Well, whether it's North or South poles, that seems like an awful long way to...oh. Polls. Clark stops them in mid-stride to tell them something important. "I told Lana everything," Clark says, nervously. "What?" MamaKent exhales. Bo gets pissed. "...Right before I proposed to her in the Fortress," Clark finishes. MamaKent forgets all about the secret thing. She wants to know what Lana's answer was. Clark says he told Lana not to tell him right away; he thinks it's a lot to put on her at once. Ya think? Bo asks if Clark has really thought this whole thing through. Geez, Bo, look at the person you're asking. He hasn't thought ham sandwiches through yet. Clark says that if he ever wanted to share his secret with someone, it would be with Lana. Not Chloe or Pete. They suck. MamaKent says she's proud of Clark, and knows it's been weighing on him for a while. Bo scoffs, annoyed. MamaKent likens Clark's decision to Bo's election run, and says that anything like that has risks. Bo gives in and says that it's hard to look at your son and realize you're talking to a man. A man who doesn't need his father's advice anymore. A man with big, gay secrets. "I'm always gonna need you, Dad," Clark says. For at least, I dunno, fifty more minutes? Bo and Clark hug.
Water is being poured into a teapot. We pull up to see Lois Lane at The Talon. Her green blouse matches the green shelves behind her. She's talking on the phone trying to get exit poll results. She acknowledges that it's early but she's Lois, dammit. She doesn't have to be polite or make sense to anyone. She stands on a stool to try to retrieve something from atop the shelves. Lois wobbles on the stool and almost falls trying to get a box of Ding-Dongs from up there. How appropriate. Lana suddenly appears, putting her hands on Lois's waist, trying to steady her on the stool. Lois explains that she tries to keep the junk food up there, but that it's easier to reach on some days than others. Lana apologizes for being late. Lois brings out a box for Lana and says that the decorating committee can't "bunt" to save their life. Huh? ["She's talking about bunting -- you know, that red-white-and-blue fabric that you see all swagged around at political or patriotic events." -- Wing Chun] Lois asks Lana to grab something for her. Lana just stares into space. Lois asks Lana to spill it. I think enough things have been spilled at The Talon since you got here, Lois. Lois guesses that Lana's problem is "tall, dark, and bumbling." She just described the ill-fated Pink Panther film featuring basketball-playing character Inspector Kareem-Abdul Jaclouseau. Lana tries to explain without using names even though it's totally obvious that she's talking about Clark. She asks what would happen if Lois thought she knew someone really well, but then it turned out there was a whole other side to him or her. Lois, who looks old enough to have experienced about a dozen relationships like that, asks if they're in "arms-dealer territory" or if they're talking The Crying Game. Sure. Lana's seen that. Right. "Nothing like that," Lana says, suppressing a smile. Sure he's not gay? I know it's late in the game to bring that up, and it comes as a total surprise coming from me, but I just thought I'd ask. Lois says the question is whether it changes the way Lana feels about him. Lana thinks. "Maybe," she says. Didn't she just tell Clark it wouldn't? Lois hurls a giant 3-D anvil at us: she says she would be lucky to end up with someone as honorable as Clark someday. Lana half-smiles. Al and Miles pee all over themselves in glee.
Front entrance of The Daily Planet. Chloe and Clark are walking down some stairs. Chloe is amazed that Clark told Lana his secret. Chloe struggles with a reaction, then asks, "After all those years of me yanking on your closet door, what's the real reason for the sudden coming-out party?" It's just no fun when they spell it out like that, ya know? Clark says that it was only a matter of weeks before Lana would have broken up with him. They walk by a woman who screams in delight as some flowers are delivered to her desk and she reads the card. Chloe finds a breakup hard to fathom. She says that Clark and Lana are perfect for each other, and that they're the Kansas version of Ken and Barbie. If by that you mean plastic and poseable? Yes. Chloe says that Ken and Barbie actually did break up, which is kind of weird. Just then, some guy in a suit enters the room from a side office and yells, "You can't fire me, I quit!" Wow, could this scene be any more stagy? I have the feeling that all these little side moments are going to come back to haunt us. Chloe asks how Lana took "the whole 'E.T. phone home' thing." Clark says he's not sure, and was hoping she'd have called by now. The phone at Chloe's desk rings. Chloe gives Clark a funny look. It's Lana! "Yes, Chloe, I'll marry you!" No, not really. Chloe tells the caller that it's not Mr. Foo's Noodle House. Chloe doubts that things will change between her and Clark. "One thing might," Clark says. He tells Chloe that he asked Lana to marry him. Chloe doesn't exactly light up the night with her smile. She seems taken aback and a little saddened. But then she does smile. "Well, that one wasn't on the Doppler!" she says. "Not even a blip!" Clark starts rattling off his guesses as to Chloe's reasons they shouldn't get married: they're too young, there's too much at stake.... Chloe stops Clark to say that what she really wants to tell him is that there are very few people who really know what they want and are willing to risk everything for it. She smiles at Clark: "If anyone deserves to be happy, Clark, it's you." If anyone doesn't deserve a friend like Chloe, it's Clark.
Kent house. It's still snowing outside. Clark steps outside wearing a full suit. Lana arrives at the front in her red SUV. Clark says he expected to see her at the party. "I know, but then there'd be all those people," she says. Ew. People. Clark asks Lana if he looks different to her now. You're in a suit with no flannel shirt. What do you think? Lana says that Clark looks like the same handsome guy she's always known. Clark asks if that's "handsome" as in "she wants to spend the rest of her life with him," or "handsome" as in "she's going to let him down easy." Damn, Clark! I thought you were going to give her time to think about it. That was pretty clumsy, dude. Lana says, "As in, 'Yes, Clark. I'll marry you.'" The demons dance as the gates of Hell swing open. Dance, demons, dance! They happily jig out and into our realm, biting babies' heads as they go and shitting on all the flowers. Lana hands Clark the ring. He puts it on her itty bitty finger. The band itself is about the size of mitochondria, yet it's still loose on her finger. The score becomes triumphant, with church bells and all. Lana giggles. Clark lifts her up and swings her around as the camera cranes out of there, past a tree.
Commercials. If you find yourself having to turn your little cell phone into a makeshift boom box at the bowling alley, you should probably get yourself a different bowling alley.
Election night. The Talon, which seems awfully small for a party like this, is hosting the Kent soiree. MamaKent and Bo pose for a photo. Her necklace gets caught in her hair. Bo fastens it again for her. "One more district and you'll have a new commute to Topeka," MamaKent tells Bo. Bo tells her the only victory that ever changed his life was when he won her heart. Awww. Yeah, fuck all that football shit. More photos and well-wishers. The Kents see Clark and Lana together. "Mom. Dad," Clark says happily. Lana stops him to tell Bo and MamaKent that she knows this is as much a surprise for them as it was for her. Bo tells Lana he couldn't imagine Clark spending his life with anyone but her. Bo kisses the side of Lana's head as he hugs her and tells her he hopes they have as many happy years as Bo and MamaKent have. Bo is admiring Lana's ring when Lois appears at the balcony like freakin' Eva Peron, trying to get everyone's attention. She fails, so she has to do a wolf-whistle. She says she just got the heads-up from the newsroom (Chloe?) that Bo is the new senator. Everyone cheers. Bo gives Clark a bear hug. On the TV, an anchor is announcing the news, saying that Bo scored a staggering upset against "corporate mogul" Lex Luthor. So, a hug for Lois, a hug for Clark, but no hug for MamaKent from the Bo? Lois grabs Bo and MamaKent and drags them away for a quick photo. A cell phone in Bo's pocket rings. He guesses the congratulations are already coming in. He excuses himself to go answer. Clark kisses Lana on the cheek and says that this could take a while. Wouldn't Lana be in the photos, too, now that she's part of the family? "Is this really happening?" Clark asks Lana. She tells him to go do his photo op. Yeah, use "Blue Steel." Lana's phone rings. It's "LEX LUTHOR." We don't see her answer.
House of Lex. Lex is wearing a blue pullover and pouring some Scotch into two glasses as he leans drunkenly over his bar. Lex must have known he lost a lot earlier, because he's certainly had time to go home and juice it up. He clinks the second glass with his own, wallowing in his self-pity. Lana enters through the double doors. She asks if he's all right, and says he sounded upset in his message. I guess she didn't answer. "Probably shouldn't have called," Lex says sardonically. "Shouldn't do a lot of things, but I, uh, seem to do them anyway." Lex turns and stares at Lana. He raises a glass to her and says he's sure she wants to get back to the party. Lana walks to him and says that even though he worked so hard for this, he shouldn't take it so personally. Yeah, it's not like politics are a popularity contest or anything. The voters didn't just dislike you, Lex, they disliked all the things you stand for. Lex asks if Lana knows how many people are cheering because the spoiled rich kid lost to the salt-of-the-earth farmer. He laughs. Lana asks when Lex started caring what people think. "Since I was branded at birth with the sins of my father," he says. "A long time" would have been fine, Lex. Lana nods the way you do when you think someone's being a dick, but you're not ready to say so. Lex gets up close to Lana and says that, for once, he wanted to step out of Papa Luthor's shadow and earn something on his own. I thought Lex did that when he went and formed his own company. Before he takes another drink, Lex tells Lana, "Well, consider yourself lucky you never had a father to endure, huh?" Uh oh. Oh no he mustn't! Lana scrunches up her face in shock and sadness. Did something happen to her parents? How did I miss that? ["Also isn't that Small dude still around?" -- Wing Chun] Lana quietly says that they should talk later when Lex isn't drunk. She walks away.
"Now I've hurt your feelings," Lex says, disgusted with himself. Lex whines that he's alienated everyone he cares about with this campaign. And you got your campaign manager shot, too. "I can't lose you, too," Lex says as he goes back for a refill. Was he talking to the Scotch? Lana walks back to him. She puts her left hand on his shoulder and says he's not going to lose her. Lex turns and takes her hand. He looks down and sees the engagement ring. Lana smiles. "Oh," Lex says. Lana giggles a bit. "I guess it's a bigger day than I thought," he tells her. Lana says that it happened so fast, they didn't get a chance to tell anyone about it. "Yeah," Lex exhales, and deflates it, fast. "So after all the lies he told you, you still chose him," he observes. Lana tells Lex he doesn't understand. Lex asks bitterly how many times she's come to him wondering about Clark's secret -- why he went to Metropolis for months or how he rose from the dead. Lana shakes her head and underplays the line "It's not like that now." "Really?" Lex says, "I know you. You'd never say yes with all the doubts you have." Lana looks around the room. Lex figures it out. He raises her chin a bit roughly. "You know, don't you," he whispers. Lana takes his hand away. She tells him that Clark isn't hiding anything. Lex looks down. Purses his lips. "After everything I've done for you," Lex says coldly, "how could you lie to me?" He tosses his glass of Scotch to the fireplace, where it raises some flames. Damn you, lying single-malt! Damn you straight to Hell! Lex grabs Lana roughly by both arms. "Tell me!" he screams. Lana grabs a container on the bar and splashes it in Lex's face. It looks like water, but he grunts in pain anyway. Lana scurries away and out the door.
At Bo's campaign headquarters, Clark's cell phone rings. "Lana? Where'd you go?" he asks. She didn't tell him where she was going?
Lana is speeding down a road. She explains to Clark about Lex being drunk. "What happened?" Clark asks. "He knows," Lana says. Nice. You kept the secret for, what, six hours? Rock. Lana says she doesn't know how he could tell, but Lex figured out she was hiding Clark's secret. Clark's face goes, "Oh shits." Lana says she didn't say anything, but that Lex got angry. Clark says it's all right, and asks where she is now. Lana is on Route 40, about to cross Loeb bridge. The camera pans across the US 40 sign as Lana speeds past. A silver sports car is in pursuit, honking. "Oh, God, he's coming after me!" Lana tells Clark. On the road, the silver car speeds up alongside Lana, honking. "Lana! Just pull over so we can talk!" Lex yells, toward Lana's closed window. There's a flash of light. Lex swerves. "Lana, watch out!" he yells. Lana, cell phone in hand, screams. Where's your hands-free headset now, Lana? A school bus smashes into Lana's vehicle. In the SUV, Lana is thrown around. Her SUV flips, several times. It lands upside-down. Clark hears it on his phone. Can you hear her now, dumb-ass? Lex stumbles out of his car. "Lana!" he moans, his eyes wild and crazy. "Lana!" Clark superzips into the scene, right in front of Lex. He doesn't even notice Lex staring. Clark walks forward, then jogs toward Lana's car. Students are getting out of the school bus. Clark breathes heavily as he looks into the SUV.
Bo's blue truck pulls up to the scene. He skids to a stop and rushes out toward his son. Clark is just staring at the wreckage, breathing hard. The camera goes overhead and we see Lana on the pavement, surrounded by broken glass. She looks bloody and twisted up. Clark touches her, but doesn't know what to do. "Lana," he says softly. Bo comes up behind Clark and grabs him, pulling him back. "Lana!" Clark screams. "Nooo!" Bo yells back, "No!" and hugs Clark. Clark, his right hand covered in blood, is shaking and in shock. "There's nothing you could have done," Bo tells him. "Nothing." Clark cries. Dude, this is some painful shit right here. Too bad it's going to be absolutely for nothing.
Commercials. This painful death scene brought to you by Dentyne Ice.
Hilarious "if you just joined us" promo: "If you're just joining us, an accident claimed Lana's life." Thanks. You are awesome.
The Fortress of Solitude. Clark is pissed. "How could you take her away from me?!" he screams. He's still wearing his suit. Jarnelle tells Clark that human life is fragile. Squirrels get run over all the time. Jarnelle says that Clark knew a human life would be exchanged for his. "Don't make her pay for my mistake!" Clark yells. Clark says that if he hadn't told Lana the truth, she'd still be alive. Uh, not necessarily, Clark. Long silence. "You have to let me fix it," Clark decides. Jarnelle says that Clark's powers are awesome and all, but they are not gods. I thought they were totally supposed to be gods on earth. "This was not her destiny! And you know that!" Clark hollers. Clark says that there has to be a way to fix this. Jarnelle says there's one trial Clark has yet to experience. They tie your wang to a bowling ball and throw it off a building. Jarnelle says sagely that the Tide detergent of fate is impossible to stop; if you stop one course of events, the universe will find others. And the Bounce fabric softener of payback is a cosmic bitch. Now, Clark. Think very carefully here. Do you get that if Lana comes back, someone else snuffs it? You get that, right? Jarnelle seems pretty clear, here. You're cool with that? Jarnelle says that there is only one crystal. A thick, long ice dildo floats up toward Clark. Hey, big boy. Jarnelle says that there is no second chance: "Decide carefully." I don't think Clark will. "I have to save her," Clark says. Of course he goes and grabs the dildo. Did you think he wouldn't? It shatters. Sweet release!
Snowy Kent farm. We start right back at the beginning, with Clark in the loft and James Blunt playing. Groundhog Day anyone? Clark, holding the coal in his hand, looks around the room in surprise. He's aware of having gone back in time. Lana comes into the room. She says she brought gloves and a scarf like he asked. "You're here," Clark says, sweetly. He hugs her in surprise. Lana says that of course she's there. He invited her. Clark smells Lana's hair. All right, dude. Chill. Lana repeats the line about not being sure a mystery date is what they need right now. She asks where Clark is taking her. His face shifts a bit. He smiles. He says he thought they could spend the day together. Lana figured out that part. She says she's curious about the "day [she'll] never forget" part that Clark had promised. Clark stalls. He turns away. He says he thought they could go to the lake and, uh...um.... He makes a lame excuse about the bridge being iced over, and that he figured they should just stay there. "Don't you think I know by now when you're lying?" Lana says. Clark has no idea what to do here. "Just say something," she tells him. "Anything." Clark lies even worse. He says it wasn't a big deal. "Trust me," he adds, unconvincingly. With tears forming in her eyes, Lana says, "Clark. You know that goes both ways." So does Clark. Clark steps forward to try to explain, but Lana tells him not to bother unless it's the truth. She gulps. The volume on the song goes up on the "And I don't know what to do. 'Cause I'll never be with you" part. Lana says that she can't do this anymore. Clark tries to say that if anything ever happened to her -- "Like what?" she interrupts. "What could be worse than losing the person that you love?" Clark stares at Lana. His eyes soften. "Nothing," he whispers. "You're beautiful," the song repeats in close-ups of Lana and Clark.
Al: Seconds, anyone?
Miles: It's a twofer, people. Double-meat Lana. Choke on it. Bitches.
Lana says she needs a break. Am I the only one that always thinks of Ross whining, "We were on a break!" when I hear that? "From me?" Clark asks. Lana stops at the stairs. "No. From us," she says. But mostly the part of "us" that contains a big, dumb, lying farmboy. Lana leaves the barn as "I will never be with you" underlines the scene twenty times in big Sharpie ink. Clark just stands there sadly, to his telescope.
Daily Planet again. Clark is telling Chloe that he and Lana are done. She asks if it's "done done" or just a downward dip in the Lana and Clark roller coaster. She asks what happened. Clark asks her to put on her Wall of Weird hat. "I lived this day before. I kinda went back in time," Clark says. Does Huey Lewis know? He could write a song for you about it! Chloe jokingly asks if Clark spun the earth back on its axis. Then she asks if Clark picked up the lottery numbers on his way. Clark sees someone carrying a bouquet of flowers and tells Chloe that they're being delivered to a secretary. They follow the guy into the main office. "Margaret?" Chloe says. "She's a workaholic. She hasn't had a date in like a year." The flowers do get delivered, to Chloe's surprise, and the secretary yelps in delight. Clark walks through the office like he owns the place, telling Chloe that her boss is firing someone right now. The guy in the suit re-emerges, saying, "You can't fire me, I quit!" The phone rings. "Don't bother. It's the wrong number," Clark tells Chloe, "Chinese take-out." Chloe answers. "No, I'm sorry," says a stunned Chloe, "we're all out of egg rolls." Chloe drags Clark into another room. "All right, McFly," she says, hilariously, "do you want to start with how or why?" Clark says he went to Jarnelle to try to change things back. Jarnelle wishes he transported Clark back to a time when he could teach him how to pronounce "Jor-El." Clark explains about what happened the first time he lived this day. This time, when Clark brings up the marriage proposal, Chloe goes, "WHAT!? Wha...what did she say?" Clark says that Lana's answer was yes. Chloe asks, cutely, what her own reaction was. "A lot like that," Clark says quietly. He tells Chloe that it was all a big mistake. The James Blunt song, the soldering, the jumping up on precarious ice structures, all of it! Clark tells Chloe that Lex was chasing Lana on Route 40 and didn't get there in time. Chloe tells Clark that, this time, he can warn Lana about Lex: "This doesn't mean you have to lie to her forever!" Clark says that she only knew for a day and that all of this happened. He's got a point, damn him. Clark says that this will keep happening as long as he and Lana are together. Chloe promises that they won't let Lana get anywhere near that road. Clark tells Chloe that it happens at 11:02. Also, Lana's not speaking to Clark right now. That might make her tough to protect. Chloe promises not to leave Lana's side. Clark thinks about fur pillows.
The Talon, that night. Clark is looking around, feeling doomed. Bo and MamaKent come over. Bo asks if Clark is all right. He lies that he's fine. Big hug. Clark wishes Bo luck. Then he checks his watch. Lana and Chloe enter the room. Lana looks completely dragged-in. "Hey! You made it!" Clark says cheerfully. "And you're not bloody or mangled up or anything! Er, I mean...you look very alive tonight. Damn this feeble brain of mine!" Lana walks right past Clark as Chloe goes up to talk to him. What about not leaving her side, Chloe? On the TV, the announcement goes out that Bo Duke has been elected. Missing is Lois, who made the original announcement in that other dimension. Clark notices that something is different. "Lois?" Clark asks. He runs upstairs. He finds water across the floor and a purple toaster lying on its side. "Lois!" Clark yells. He runs over to where Lois is lying on the ground in water, unconscious. Now, this? Pretty fair trade. Good move, Clark. Thank Jarnelle for me time you see him. Clark picks up Lois. There are sparks and streaks of electricity across the floor, but of course they don't hurt Clark. The lights flicker and go off. Clark gets pensive about how willy-nilly he just handed someone a death sentence. It won't last.
Downstairs, Chloe is looking for Lana even as everyone is wandering around in the dark. I like Chloe quite a lot, but she just let Lana out of her sight right at the moment she's supposed to be protecting her. So, boo, Chloe. Bo gets a cell-phone call. This time, we hear the conversation. It's Papa Luthor, calling from his own cell phone as he's driven down some road. "I wanted to be the first to congratulate you, Senator," Papa says smoothly. He says that there are a few things he wants to discuss, "now that we've won." Bo looks like he expected this.
Lair of Lex. He's stooped over and pouring Scotch again. According to my recap, "Lex must have known he lost a lot earlier because he's certainly had time to go home and juice it up. He clinks the second glass with his own, wallowing in his self-pity." Well, I guess there's one advantage to recapping a scene twice. Lana enters, asking if Lex is all right. This time, Lana tells Lex that she was looking for a reason to get some air away from the party. "Clark and I had our last fight," she tells Lex. Let's see. You show up at the house of the dude you know is falling in love with you right after breaking up with your boyfriend and tell him it's your "last fight." And the guy happens to be drunk. I'm not saying that what follows is right; I'm just saying that Lana is stupid. Lex considers his options. "'Last,' huh?" he asks. Lana tells Lex that she kept waiting for Clark's armor to crack, but that it never happened. "I guess people have armor for a reason," she says. That may be the worst line I've heard on this show. I can't even spin that into comedy. It's just...a turd. Lying there. Disintegrating. Lex walks over to her slowly. "I hate to say this," he says, "but it's possible Clark's never going to trust you." Lana asks why you'd lie to someone you love. Lex has to think about that one. He puts his hands softly on her arms. "I wouldn't," he says. He strokes Lana's hair and cheek. She lets him. Lex kisses Lana. She pushes him away, touching her lips. Lex apologizes. Lana says it's all right. She awkwardly says that she's going to leave. She does. Lex throws his drink at the fireplace again, where it flames up again, not unlike its owner used to. My recap says, "Damn you, lying single-malt! Damn you straight to Hell!" Hey, this shit really works! Lex slams his fist on a tabletop.
Lana is driving toward the bridge again. She's getting a phone call from Lex. She ignores it. Lex's car is in pursuit.
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Talon. Lois is being taken out on a stretcher by paramedics. She jokes that she doesn't need an audience, and urges everyone to get back to the party. Clark, walking along the stretcher, advises her to get examined. Lois asks, hilariously (in Bizarro World, world, world!!!), why she has to get hauled off to "HMO Land" just because she committed "a party foul." It's not even that I dislike her, it's that I think she has no sense, no personality, no purpose, no ambition. She's like Lana used to be, plus two parts obnoxiousness. Should I stop there? Just...man! That's our Lois Lane. Pathetic, right? Clark smiles as Lois is hauled off, reveling in his smooth time-altering moves. Until Chloe comes up to him and says she lost track of Lana. You...you WHAT?! Chloe, Chloe, Chloe. I think Chloe has the best of intentions, but maybe there's a teeny, tiny, itty-bitty part of her that wanted to lose track of Lana. I wonder if Chloe messed with Lana's brakes, too. Clark looks at his watch. It's 11:01. Dude, GO!
On the road. Lex is speeding up to Lana's SUV again. Lex says he's sorry and asks if they can talk about this. I still think it's funny that he's trying to have a conversation with Lana through her closed driver's-side window.
A rowdy school bus. The driver is trying to maintain order, but people are being all Animal House up in there. The bus driver is distracted. Dramatic music plays. Clark superzips down the road. He grabs the bus by the back bumper and pulls. Lex tells Lana to "watch out!" Swerving, braking. Clark drags on the bus as Lana's SUV sails in front of it. The bus stops. The SUV stops. Clark stops. Clark ducks out of the way so as not to be seen. The bus driver breathes a sigh of relief, then just takes off again to go run into someone else. Lana gets out of her SUV. Lex gets out of his car and almost gets run over himself by a passing truck and trailer. Lana walks in a daze. Lex hugs her. Clark, disgusted, zips out before he can hear Lex apologize for what happened back at the mansion. Lana tells Lex that they should just forget it ever happened. Lex has his hand on Lana's arm as Bo drives by in his blue truck. He gives them a long leer as he passes in slow motion. Lana isn't thrilled about that. Lex says he's sorry again. Lana says it's all right, and walks back to her SUV.
Kent Farm. Bo walks into the barn. "Senator Jonathan Kent," says a very bastardous gent up in the loft. Papa Luthor, holding a folder, says that he didn't expect Bo do duck out of his victory party, but Papa showed up nevertheless -- alone, as Bo requested. Bo roughly takes off his jacket and tells Papa Luthor to come down and face him. He even calls him a son of a bitch. Wow! He is mad with power! Papa pretends to shiver, and tells Bo he should learn a little tact. Is that one of those things you push in with your thumb? Fuck that. Bo is a man. He uses nails and hammers! Bo asks Papa to cut the crap. He says he knows about the campaign funds, but also knows he's going to pay Papa back. Didn't you get Bo's check? You should...uh...wait a few days before you deposit it. No reason! It's totally cool. You know. Just deposit it...whenever. week. Papa asks how long Bo's virtuous stance is going to last when he's in office. Bo tells Papa Luthor, right to his face, that he doesn't have a puppet. Papa Luthor decides not to bring up his ventriloquist's dummy, Li'l Bastard. Papa says he should hope he didn't put his clout and money behind someone who could be anyone's puppet. He hilariously smacks Bo on the chest with his folder and says he envisions this relationship as a partnership. "The day you and I become partners...," Bo starts to threaten. "Careful, careful, careful, Senator," Papa purrs, interrupting.
Papa walks away and opens his expensive folder. He says that he and Bo share a common interest. Karaoke? Papa takes out a photo and holds it to his chest. He says that both he and Bo would protect this secret with their lives. Papa says that he has nothing but respect for a man who would hurl himself into the limelight with "such a...dangerous...secret. That must stay hidden." Oh, he's good. I mean bad. Papa hands over the photo. Bo is stunned. He gulps. He crumples up the photo. Damn you, Kodak! "I won't let you destroy my family," Bo says darkly. Bo can do that just fine on his own, thanks. He takes a quick swing at Papa Luthor. We even hear the whoosh. Bo grabs Papa Luthor and throws him over a large work area. Papa goes flying. Wow! Bo tosses a piece of wood around for no reason. He circles around as Papa Luthor gasps on the floor. "We can withstand anything you bring down on us," Bo says, "because we have each other." As Papa Luthor struggles for air and unties his tie, Bo says that's what will always separate the Kents from the Luthors. That and gobs of money. "Now why don't you get..." Bo starts, but stops as something pains him. I'm going to really lose it if he says "Narm!" Bo gasps and swallows hard. "Now why don't you get the hell off my property?" he asks Papa Luthor. Bo staggers off as Papa continues to breathe deeply. Bo walks slowly and deliberately. He stops at a post as we see lights bleed into the barn. The camera pans down to the crumpled photo. Papa Luthor grabs it. He doesn't have a copy at home?
A car arrives at the farm. MamaKent and Clark are in it. They see Bo walk out of the barn. "What's your dad doing here?" MamaKent asks. Bo lifts an arm to shield his eyes from the headlights. "Dad?" Clark says. They both realize that something is wrong. Bo falls. MamaKent calls Bo's name. The camera alternates between close shots of Bo stumbling and being helped by his family, and wide shots of the action from way back up high. Holy music plays. Clark tells Bo to sit down. Bo puts an arm around MamaKent, then an arm around Clark. He looks at each of them lovingly. Then his head falls. Bravo to Al and Miles for not giving him one last platitude to bellow softly with his dying breath. "Don't...bury me...to the Luthors," or "I left you...a list of chores...on the fridge," or "Tell the cows...I'll see them...at the crossroads." MamaKent screams. Bo's body falls to the ground. MamaKent hugs Bo's head and cries hysterically. "Dad!" Clark calls. MamaKent rubs Bo's chest like a magic lamp, but no cardiovascular genie emerges. The camera pulls very far back as MamaKent cries, "Oh, please, not yet!" More wailing. Major lump in my throat. Damn you, Bo, you finally got me. You got me to send you off with a platitude of my own. May you rest in peace, Bo Duke. Those jerks in heaven aren't going to just beautify themselves.
Commercials. This depressing death brought to you by Underworld: Evolution, a movie about vampires and werewolves and shit.
Dudes and dudettes. I'm gonna take a break. I don't want to recap the scene. And even though I kind of knew Bo wasn't long for this show (Hell, I knew that around Season 2), it still stings, and the whole rescuing-Lana thing doesn't work, and the show keeps putting us in the unfortunate position of rooting for a selfish, dumb hero who doesn't think beyond his action and lets fate and insecurity rule his life instead of choosing how he's going to live and sticking to it. We're back to square one, and it's a shitty place to be because we've been here so, so many times. This episode was supposed to be some big surprise with major consequences, but they are very small surprises delivered in the same way they've always been: landing with a thud, with a talented cast making the most of missed opportunities and loose threads. This show will never take Alias-sized risks, it will never make its mysteries half as interesting as those on Lost, and its characters run in circles, rarely developing or changing like they do on The Sopranos, or even on Gilmore Girls. I just don't know what to say. This is not a bad show. But episodes like this hint at the great show it could have been. And that stings a lot more than just seeing a crap episode. You know the irony here? No medical center scene the one time a major character really dies.
All right, it's a day later. Mournful music plays at the Kent Home, daytime. The ground and the roof are still covered in snow as the camera zooms in slowly on the yellow house. Inside, MamaKent stands in front of a living room mirror, trying to clasp her necklace. A photo of her, Clark, and Bo Duke is in front of her. Dressed in black, MamaKent turns from the mirror, breathing deeply and frustrated by the necklace. She touches the pearls to her lips and turns when Clark enters the room. He's wearing a black suit. "I guess it's time, then," MamaKent says sadly. Clark blinks a lot. "I'm sorry," he says. MamaKent takes Clark by the hands and leads him to the couch. She tells Clark that she knows he's blaming himself, but that this isn't his fault. Really? Because it kind of looked like it was. "How can you say that?" Clark sniffles. "I went back to save Lana, and now Dad is gone." MamaKent asks if Clark thinks he could have chosen between them, given the chance. MamaKent says that a heart beats only so many times in a life. Oh no! The platitude torch has been passed! There can be only one! MamaKent says that Bo used his heart more than anyone she knows. Clark blinks a lot more. He says that he doesn't know how to be the man Bo wanted him to be without him there. "You're his son," MamaKent says -- rocking the scene, by the way. She says that Clark knows right from wrong and that, whether Bo is there or not, Clark is a man Bo is proud of. Tears finally come when she says, "A man he could look up to. And something tells me he won't be the only one." They hold hands. Clark sees the necklace and asks if he can help her with it. MamaKent pulls up her hair and cries as Clark puts the necklace around her and fixes the clasp. Whoa, MamaKent's wearing some tall leather boots! "I love you, Mom," Clark says. They hug as sad music, Peter Gabriel's, "I Grieve," plays. It's a nice choice, really. MamaKent says she loves Clark, too.
Pastoral shots. A wide shot of the snow-covered farm. Shot of the "Kent Farm" sign. More farm and an unused tractor. The open fence door at the front entrance. The cows, covered in snow. They grieve, too. "Hey! Let us in the barn! It's fucking cold out here! Hello? Anyone? Bo-oooooo!" A calf jumps around. The barn looks cold and abandoned.
Overhead shot of snow falling at the gravesite. The camera pulls lower in slow motion as people start to walk away from the funeral. Clark and MamaKent stand together. The rosewood coffin begins to lower. Lana, standing to Clark's right, takes his hand. Lana looks at Clark, who is sad and silent. Chloe and Lois, walking off, both turn to look at Clark and MamaKent. It's a nicely framed shot. They turn again and walk away. The snow-covered coffin is lowered further. The camera moves behind Clark and Lana. Lex is standing a ways off, watching. Papa Luthor walks creepily behind MamaKent. Lana walks away, letting go of Clark's hand. Papa Luthor follows. MamaKent walks in the other direction, leaving Clark standing alone at the grave. He picks up a handful of dirt, holds out his hand, and drops it on the coffin. An overhead, rotating shot as Clark stands. A front shot of Clark as a large statue of an angel looms in the background. MamaKent looks to Clark. She looks hopeful. Clark looks down. Peter Gabriel goes, "I griiiiiiiiieeeeeevaaah!" We go to black.
Did you know James Blunt did a song on this show and you can buy the album from The WB? No, really. It's true.
week: a return to less serious matters.