Daytime, Stately Luthor Mansion exterior. It's got that rusty blood color up at the top that always freaks me out. Inside, someone throws down a copy of the Smallville Ledger with the headline, "State senate candidates neck and neck." I bet the Smallville Ledger is just happy anyone would get worked up enough about their newspaper to throw it down on a table. Lex tells his main aide that this isn't the kind of headline he was hoping for before the election. Oh yeah. Lex and Bo Duke are running for office. I almost forgot all about that. The aide tries to make Lex feel better by saying that nobody can be that squeaky-clean. Wait. Did they just take a shower together? Aide-Man insists they'll find something to use against Bo Duke. He says the word "against" using the Sydney Poitier pronunciation handbook. Lex says it's obvious the aide has never met Bo Duke. He is a man without taint. You could run your finger up and down and all around Bo Duke, and you're unlikely to find even the hint of a taint. Some say it's a birth defect.
Two sheriff's deputies enter the room. It's a tall guy and a shorter woman, both in uniform. The main sheriff's deputy is the third African-American character we've had on the show recently (including Lex's aide and Wayne Brady Lite), which has to be some sort of record on this show (and, perhaps, the entire WB). Deputy Revenge as we'll come to know him, tells Lex that they've got to get him out. There's been a bomb threat on the mansion. "A bomb?" Aide-Man asks. That's what they said, dude. Lex says his security team should have alerted him to this. Your security team? Security? Really, Lex? If somebody called in a bomb threat, your security team would think it was a balm threat and wait out front expecting a nice gift basket from Sephora. Lex goes to the phone to check on that and the deputies bust out their guns. Aide-Man goes, "UhLex?" Deputy Revenge and his partner, Deputy Sidekick, start stepping forward. Revenge says Lex always has to do things the hard way. If there's one thing we've learned, it's that the limp way is not acceptable to Lex Luthor. Lex says, "Let me guess. You're not a cop." "Not anymore," Revenge answers. Lex's aide makes the dumbest and last move of his life by throwing some sort of flimsy folder at two people with guns thinking it's going to magically disarm them by three-ring-binding them to death. Then he runs away. It's therefore not all that tragic when Deputy Revenge shoots him right the fuck in the back. Lex, watching, has a remote control in his hand. He pushes a button and before you know it, he's diving into a panic room. Wow, that's convenient. I wish I had one right now:
Wing Chun: Hey, Omar, the WB just renewed Smallville for a sixth season. Twenty-two more recaps!
Omar: Really? Oh. Huh. How interesting for -- [pushes button on remote control and dives into panic room] -- ha ha! Not even a nuclear missile could get me out!
Wing Chun: You left your remote control out here.
Omar: Goddammit.
“ As Bo goes over to sharpen the blade, MamaKent confesses to being the one who took the money. I really expected Bo to lose a finger here. Instead, sparks fly as the blade turns a weird angle and Bo turns off the rotating sharpener. Bo asks how she could do that. Well, taking the check was easy, but depositing it at their little bank wasoh. You mean emotionally. ”
Chloe finds the profile on Revenge. Clark recognizes him as a Smallville police officer. A neatly organized Web page shows his very private medical information. He was put on psychiatric leave after getting wounded in the meteor shower. Chloe and Clark figure out that he must have been the lone survivor the day the Kryptonians landed. Chloe says it's no wonder the guy had a psychotic break. Can we please stop with the "psychotic break" talk already? Clark mumbles, asking why he kidnapped Lana. Chloe guesses that since Lana was there when the ship landed, there might be some motivation there. She grabs her purse and starts walking as Clark follows, suggesting if they get into his psych information, they can figure out what he's up to. That's a roundabout way of going about things when they could just track the guy down and talk to him, isn't it?
Bo's Barn of Shame. Bo Duke chunks an axe into a block of wood as he moans to MamaKent about how he can't believe Lois would stab him in the back with Papa Luthor's campaign contribution. MamaKent tells him it wasn't Lois's fault. Whoa, watch out there -- he's carrying around that axe. As Bo goes over to sharpen the blade, MamaKent confesses to being the one who took the money. I really expected Bo to lose a finger here. Instead, sparks fly as the blade turns a weird angle and Bo turns off the rotating sharpener. Bo asks how she could do that. Well, taking the check was easy, but depositing it at their little bank wasoh. You mean emotionally. MamaKent says she knows how much Bo wants to make a difference in the world like their son does every day. MamaKent says she loves Bo so much, she wants to give him that chance. Bo says he only wanted to owe anything to the people who voted for him. He bellows that now he's no different than any other lying (axe smacked into block of wood) politician. MamaKent says the Rotary Club and Farmer's Association and everyone else who contributed will be asking for favors, too. Bo says he won't do anything he doesn't believe in. She asks why it's any different with Papa Luthor. Bo gives her a look of disbelief and says she must know it's not the same. MamaKent says nothing is black or white in politics. She tells him not to let his pride get in the way of helping lots of people. She scoffs and walks away. Bo's going to have to consult about that with his most important constituents, the cows.
The panic room. Lana, sweaty and down to a skimpy blouse, watches as Deputies Revenge and Sidekick are bickering a bit about how many more people have to die. Revenge is convinced Lex won't hold out much longer. Lana notices Lex drifting off, and pulls him up to wake him. She warns him that he's in shock and needs to stay awake or he may die. Lana, practically straddling him, asks him to tell her something, anything at all. "Do you think I'd look better with hair?" Lex asks. Lana stops, then laughs. She says she hasn't thought about it. "Oh, I have," Lex says seriously. He says he's thought about lots of things. "Clark has really nice hair," he says suddenly. He stares off dreamily, visualizing every follicle and where it goes. It's the Gayest Look of the Episode. Lana supposed Clark does. "Does he know?" Lex asks. "That he has nice hair?" Lana replies. Those aren't my jokes, folks. Lex, breathing hard, asks if Clark knows how lucky he is to have Lana. Lana gets very sad all of a sudden. Lex brings up his recent dream. He says it was a dream about how different things could be. "Clark and I were friends again." Lana says that sounds nice. Lex says Lana was in the dream, too. He touches her face. "You were the best part about it," he says. Lana looks like she's going to cry. Lana tells Lex to just give the deputies what they want. Lex says he can't because he doesn't know where it went. Lex explains that it was there one minute, there was static on a security camera, and boom, it was gone. Lana seems a lot more upset about the ship than Lex dying right in front of her. She asks how long he's known. "A few weeks," he says. She asks how he could have lied to her this entire time. It wasn't this entire time, Lana, it was a few weeks. Lex says he didn't know how to tell her the truth. Lana does cry now. He says he was hoping to find it again before Lana knew it was gone. "I should have been honest with you," he says, and starts to doze. Lana panics and tries to get him to wake up. The camera pulls back as Lana scrambles to open the door.
“ They enter the main area of the warehouse. There's lots of pretty lights, but no ship. Deputy Revenge runs forward to make sure it's not Wonder Woman's invisible jet. 'Where is it?' he yells with great enunciation. Lana says it was here before. He pulls a gun on Lana. 'Don't lie to me,' he says. Lana telegraphs chipmunk determination. ”
Lana outside the panic room is a lot more calm. She tells the deputies she'll show them the ship if they get help for Lex. Deputy Revenge pokes his head into the panic room and sees Lex unconscious. "I've seen worse," he says. Have you seen worse that didn't involve people getting fried by aliens? Revenge says he'll make the call for help when they've found the ship. Inside the panic room, Lex moans, "Lana, don't." She does. Dumb-ass. In the panic room, Lex is still alive, but wondering how he could have fallen for Lana.
Commercials. Back when the internet was still shiny and novel, I would have thought it was cool that Harrison Ford was in a movie called Firewall. Now, it just makes me sad.
Smallville Medical Center. It's time for our weekly shot in the arm. Ow. Chloe and Clark are trying to sneak into the psychiatry wing. They stare through a glass door as Chloe formulates a plan to get in that involves hacking into a visitor's log to get guest passes that'll convince a guard eating his lunch to let them through. "I got it," Clark says instead. He whooshes through the door. I don't remember there being this much wind whenever Clark uses his super-speed. Maybe he's leaving some fart behind just for Chloe. Pheromones don't work like that, Clark. Clark comes right back. Chloe asks what he did. The guard opens up his Diet Coke and it spills all over him. Chloe laughs. "Supershake," she says. The guard gets up to clean himself off. "Not bad. Not bad," Chloe tells Clark. They make it inside.
Inside the aptly named "Psychiatry Office," Chloe and Clark have already found videotape of one of Deputy Revenge's psychiatric sessions. He's explaining about the spaceship. His arm is in a splint. He tells the wacky story about the aliens and how he could smell something burning under the car and realized it was himself. "I was burning," he says. The itching. The burning. But he didn't scream because he'd have gotten crisped even worse. In the video, Revenge insists that he's not crazy. He does so by standing up and going crazy until two orderlies grab him and try to calm him down. "He has the ship!" Revenge yells. "Lex," Chloe surmises. Clark zips out of the room before Chloe can say that Lex's place is where they must be. "Damn, I wish I could do that," Chloe mutters.
Lair of Lex. Clark zips into the scene. "Sheriff?" he asks when he sees Cheshire lying on the floor. Well, ain't that a dead sheriff. Clark just blinks in sadness. He finds the panic room with Lex inside, bleeding. Lex looks dead, too.
A warehouse near Metropolis. How many hours later is this? "All right, we're here. Make the call and get Lex help!" Lana whines. Yeah. That's going to happen. Lana asks if they just plan to get in and fly away with the ship. The plan, according to Deputy Sidekick, is just to make the ship public. They plan to use explosives to attract attention and get everybody there. Why not try an Evite? Deputy Sidekick is bitter that Revenge got sent away for telling the truth. She says they wouldn't even let her see him and she's his fiance. Deputy Revenge is worried more ships are coming. He says this is the right thing to do. Lana scoffs and tells him to relay that to the dead sheriff. They enter the main area of the warehouse. There's lots of pretty lights, but no ship. Deputy Revenge runs forward to make sure it's not Wonder Woman's invisible jet. "Where is it?" he yells with great enunciation. Lana says it was here before. He pulls a gun on Lana. "Don't lie to me," he says. Lana telegraphs chipmunk determination. Lana pulls a lever that just happens to be to her. Then she elbows Deputy Sidekick. A bunch of steel tubes magically roll down and clobber Deputy Revenge. He drops the suitcase he was carrying with the explosives. It opens, revealing the clich of a one-minute digital countdown timer. Lana kick-boxes Deputy Sidekick into submission. She gets punched and kicked a bit herself until she falls down, unconscious.
Clark at the hospital. "Lex? Lex? Where's Lana?" Clark asks. He waited all the way 'til the hospital to ask that? "Get this guy out here!" the paramedic yells. "Warehouse 15," Lex manages, as he pulls off his oxygen mask. Yeah. Specific. Thanks. Clark turns and leaves without so much as a "Hope you survive that gunshot wound! Later!" He dramatically strides into the hall before superzipping out of there.
The warehouse of soon-to-be explosiveness. Deputy Sidekick helps free Deputy Revenge from the one steel tube that decided to roll over him. She's able to lift it, so it must be something lighter, like aluminum. He yells that they need to get the case with the explosives. Uh oh. They both scramble for it. He tries to punch in a code while his lady friend begs him to just leave it and get out of there. He lays it down and they run.
Clark whooshes toward the warehouse. He pauses outside to x-ray vision the building. Wouldn't whooshing inside be faster? He sees a lame, overused, pretty little skeleton and decides it's the one he wants. He zips inside just as the suitcase explodes. Clark runs through the explosion, picks up Lana just as the flames are reaching her, and rushes out of there. The warehouse explodes dramatically. Outside, the deputies are thrown by the explosion. They flop along the ground. Are they dead? Who the Hell knows? Clark doesn't cover Lana's body with his own, but somehow she still escapes unharmed from all the flames around them. Lana wakes up. "Clark? What happened?" she asks. Clark says Lex told him where to find Lana. He says when he got there, he found her lying on the ground. Yeah, I'm not thinking that story's going to hold for the long haul. Lana says she doesn't understand. "You're alive. That's all that matters," Clark says. Lots of CGI black smoke is added to an overhead shot of the burning factory.
Commercials. Reba is celebrating its 100th episode, too. I wonder whom they're killing off.
Deputy Revenge got his wish: there's all kinds of police and fire trucks on the scene. Unfortunately, he's being hauled away again, even as he tells the authorities that Lana knows about the spaceship. Little green men? Sure, buddy. You can tell us all about it downtown. Clark, with his sooty red jacket, might want to explain how it got singed when he just showed up and found Lana outside. Clark goes to Lana. A rescue worker mutters, "What a nut," about Deputy Revenge. Professional, that. Clark asks how Lana's doing. She says she's fine, considering she almost got blown up. Man, we can only wish, huh? Clark tries to blame Lex for risking Lana's life. She tells Clark that it was her idea to lure the deputies over there, and that Lex actually saved her life by taking a bullet. Yeah, it means a lot more when the bullets don't just bounce off your chest, Clark. Clark's a little upset that Lana risked her life for Lex.