Zero To 60 In Three Days

S04E20

By Omar G

Hey, everybody. Three episodes left. Can we make it? I'm going to say yes.

A dark back road. A sporty car is barreling down the street. Inside, two teens are pretty frantic. The girl in the passenger seat is on the phone, telling someone that she needs help and that there isn't enough time. She screams. We pull back to show that her belly, full of baby, is ready to burst. The boy, who is driving, grabs the phone and yells at the person on the other end of the line, telling them that this is an emergency. "It's too late, it's too late," the girl says. Suddenly, her belly starts to glow. She's a Glo-Worm Mommy! The belly glows greenish yellow, then pink. "It's coming!" she cries. The driver is like, "Hooooooly shit!" He swerves off the road, smartly hits a gnarly branch, and ends up stopping the car in an empty green field. It's hard to tell if it's the girl's belly or her hoo-ha that's glowing. If it's not her belly, I can tell you that she might have a bright future career in the entertainment industry. She cries to the driver, "What's happening to me?" Dude is like, "I, uh...GROSS!" Her belly continues glowing, but now there's something thumping to get out. "I'm sorry!" the guy says and runs out of the car. See ya! Sent me a text message and let me know where you're registered, 'kay? She screams for him not to leave, but it's too late. Papa is a rolling stone. The glow goes nuclear. The mother screams. The light turns into a crazy blast of illumination. It spills onto the road, even. Ew, light-based afterbirth! It seems to cover the pavement in misty birth muss. A car on the road brakes suddenly and stops. Inside the car: one Miss Lana Lang (on her driver's license, it says, "Hair: Pretty, preternatural") and one Mr. Clark Kent, doofus-at-large. They like each other again. Clark asks if she's all right. Lana says yeah, and asks what that was just now. Clark thinks it must have come from Evans Field. Or from his pants.

We cut to a crater's-eye view of Clark and Lana approaching a giant hole. Hey, it's almost a metaphor for the gaping quagmire that is Season 4! Jump in, Lana! The Superman Music of Discovery is playing. In the mist inside the crater, a baby cries. Clark and Lana look at each other. To my complete and utter surprise, Lana does actually jump in the hole. "Lana, wait!" Clark calls. She whips off her blue scarf and rushes down. Lana's scarf has magically transformed into a blue blanket that neatly swaddles the tiny baby. Great Gerber! Lana and Clark stare at each other. Clark thinks, stupidly, "Uh, is it mine?" The camera pulls back dramatically as Lana and Clark stand inside the crater. Back. Back. A little bit further back, please? All right. We can see now that it's a pretty big crater. Opening credits.

Commercials. Yoda likes Diet Pepsi. Wow, the force of taste is not strong with this one.

Smallville Medical Center. Sure, why the hell not? Sheriff Cheshire, working the late shift, is questioning Clark and Bo Duke in the hospital hallway. She's wearing her Marge Gunderson jacket. She informs them that babies just don't fall out of the sky. Ha! But see, that's funny, because Clark did that one time! Genius! Clark tells her that there was a thirty-foot crater. He asks how else she'd explain it. Cheshire says she can't, and that's why they have this thing called an "investigation." Perhaps you're heard of it? Similarly, we're total dicks to each other in rehearsals for our upcoming show. When somebody asks a dumb question about something they forgot, we all pile on: "There's a collection of papers with directions for what we say on stage and where we move around. That's the script to the show that we're having week. You should totally come! It's Thursday at 8." Bo asks what's going to happen to the baby. Can he feed it to the cows? Marge...er, Cheshire says that they'll put the kid in Child Services until they find a family for him. Shouldn't they be looking for the parents first? Cheshire has a rare moment of empathy for Clark. She tells him he did something good for a change. "The little critter wouldn't be alive if it wasn't for you." "Critter"? Like that movie about the critters from space? The one called Critters? Maybe she meant "fritter," like the pastry. Clark doesn't show any emotion at all. He's probably wondering about the word "critter," too. When the sheriff leaves, Clark takes Bo aside to tell him he doesn't think the parents are from "around here." My God. Zee Germans. Run! Get help! Bo takes a good long while for his line, looking around and sputtering a bit to give it a running start. He asks if Clark thinks the baby is not of Earth. Clark says his parents found Clark in a crater, too. Bo says that when they found Clark, there was a spaceship nearby. Maybe the baby had valet parking. Bo says they don't know what happened in that field. Ooh, ooh, I do! It's right up there in this recap! Clark looks incredibly bored or tired, I can't tell which.

Crying baby. That's a portly little baby. Clark and Bo Duke enter the exam room. Lana is holding the child. MamaKent is beaming. This baby is like crack cocaine for her. Lana complains that the baby won't stop crying. Geez, baby! What's the deal, man! At least when Lana cries, it's for a good reason! Teen angst! MamaKent says that the crying is a good sign that the baby is healthy. The cries of a child are like sweet maple syrup to MamaKent. And she's on a sugar high. Lana says she's going to get more formula for the baby. Why not breastfeed? Oh. Right. Lana. Lana moves to hand the baby to Clark. He's like, "Me!? Are you kidding? I will crush him with my clumsy hands like a grape under a cinderblock! Did I say that out loud?" Clark holds the baby and it quiets instantly. Clark smiles. Huh. Baby. Lana says that someone must have the magic touch. Clark suddenly misses Lex. Smiles all around. Lana exits. MamaKent touches the baby's foot. Oh, sweet babyfoot! Mmmm, that's good babyfoot. Clark asks where Child Services is. MamaKent says they're not coming; they have no room, so they'll keep the baby in the hospital until they're able to take him. Clark is offended by that idea. He says that maybe the baby can come stay with them. First Lois, then the dog, now a baby? But, sure, I'm certain they'll let you walk right out with a baby. Bo looks concerned. MamaKent just won the heroin lottery. It would be silly how baby-crazy she is at this moment if it wasn't sad that she lost hers. But of course, that won't be mentioned in this episode. Close-up of the baby. The closed-captioning has someone asking the baby, "What do you think?" which is cute, but didn't make it to the final edit.

Smallville High. Where no one ever actually goes to class.

The Torch. Chloe is pouring from an industrial coffeemaker's carafe. They allow that thing in the school? I don't ever remember us having coffee at our school paper or any of the vending machines. Then again, when I was in high school, the height of drink coolness was Snapple. Chloe is telling Lana that she once found an arrowhead in Evans Field, but never a baby in a crater. Lana says that it was "weird." She says that what's weirder is Clark's reaction to the baby. Yeah, that's certainly weirder than a baby in a giant steaming crater. Lana tells Chloe that Clark is completely at ease when he holds the kid. Lana then says that Clark is a "natural-born baby burper." I can't wait to find out if that's canon. Clark walks in and says he's got the spit-up stains to prove it. Then he finds out they were talking about the baby. Whups. Clark calls the baby "the crying machine," and says that every time he put the child down, it started crying again. Lana offers to come over and help. Chloe does not. Clark asks Lana to pick up some formula on the way. "How are you on diapers?" she asks. Rebecca and I are terrified of exactly these kinds of conversations. Chloe interrupts the domestic conversation to tell them that before they pick out schools for the kid, they might want to look at something. Chloe says she had her emergency-services contact look up 911 calls from around the time they found the baby. All highly illegal. She plays a sound bite of the episode's opening scene with the mom screaming. "She sounds so scared," Lana pouts. Lana tries to remember that sound for when she might have to emote it. Lana notes that the guy in the call left the girl. Clark says that means the dude might still be alive. Chloe says glumly that it doesn't sound like the mother was as lucky. Lana pouts some more. Clark squints. "She didn't even get to see her own baby," Lana whines. Chloe asks a good question: how did the baby survive all this? Clark asks if Chloe can trace the call back to the cell phone that placed it. Chloe has the dispatcher's software right on her computer? Clark says that the father might have some answers for them.

Speaking of fathers with answers, we cut to a Metropolis skyline. My favorite person from Somewhere in Time who isn't Christopher Reeve -- Jane Seymour -- is in a room right out of an '80s primetime soap. She stands by a table pruning an orchid. No, that's not a euphemism. Papa Luthor enters, holding his coat over his shoulder like the debonair man he is. Hey, what's up with his hair? Oh, man, it's in that awkward stage. The Magnificent Bastard is sporting the beginnings of what some of the kids these days call a "Jewfro." Richly, Papa Luthor says, "Genevieve...I'm not accustomed to being summoned like a lapdog." Tingles! The camera gets her in tight foreground close-up while Papa Luthor stands blurry in the back. Jane: "Don't be silly, Lionel. I'd never allow you in my lap." Papa Luthor enters the room. Mighty 'fro! He asks why he's there, if not for the "pleasure" of her company. She tells him that the piper's gotta be paid. It wasn't easy getting Papa Luthor released from maximum-security prison. She says she's yet to receive any gratitude. Dude! She wants your gratitude! Go give it! Papa Luthor says saucily that's he's been struggling with a thank-you note, but that words seem to fail him. Jane Seymour gets right down to it: Lex just returned from China with the missing element. She wants Papa Luthor to retrieve it for her. Papa says she's got the wrong dude. He says that Jason was the one who brought it back. Jane says that Jason is incapable of such underhanded chicanery. She says he inherited his intelligence from her husband's side of the family. So much for the theory that Papa Luthor might have sired yon Jason. Wryly, Papa Luthor says he never thought she married well. Well, well, well. She says Lex received his genes from a "far more cunning source." A linguist? Papa says that there were other folks in China when it happened. Hell, a billion other people. "A farmboy, an ex-cheerleader, and Lex Luthor," Jane says. It does sound pretty stupid when you put it like that. Papa says his son hasn't listened to him for years, and asks what she wants him to do: "Give him a good spanking?" This isn't HoYay, in case you're wondering. It's just bad-assedness. Jane is left speechless by that. She must have a good imagination. Papa chuckles. Drinks some Scotch. Jane changes tactics: she says that neither one of them should want her to go after Lex for the stone. Papa Luthor almost spits up his drink. Listen here, beeyatch: Papa looks at her seriously and warns her that he regards a threat to any Luthor as a threat to him. "I want that stone," she spits, "Lionel." Papa Luthor takes a drink and stews as the magnificent machinery of his brain begins to crank and turn.

House of Kents. Clark is carrying the baby in the crook of his arm while he holds a bottle in the other. He's wearing a tight red shirt that accentuates his biceps. This is one of those "hunky man holding baby" prints you see at Deck the Walls in the mall. Clark asks the baby if the formula is too cold. Clark holds up the bottle and eyejaculates at it (but lightly) to warm it up. Yeah, it's bullshit, but cute. I wish there were more moments like that on the show. The baby wiggles and Clark says quietly, "Try this, try this, try this." All the Clark fans get all moist in the nethers. MamaKent, wearing a coat, says that she can get someone named Chelsea to cover for her at The Talon so that Clark doesn't stay home. She needs her fix, man! Hand over the baby! Clark duhs that it changes your perspective to have someone who depends on you for everything. Like the producers depend on Lana? Clark's giddiness suddenly stops as he realizes that the baby needs a diaper. MamaKent hands one to Clark and leaves for The Talon. Bo's out in the barn. Does anyone else think it's a bad idea to leave a newborn with Clark?

Clark gets down to some diaper-changing. He winces. Man of Steel, huh? Note to future supervillains: baby poo Kryptonite. Lana enters without knocking. "Clark Kent. Changing diapers like a pro," she says, smiling. There's a pro circuit for this? Clark smugly decides that this baby stuff ain't so hard. A pee fountain suddenly erupts toward him. It doesn't get him soaked, but it does put a urinary damper on Clark's enthusiasm. Lana chortles. "Nice aim, Little Guy," Clark says. Lana -- not annoying, for once -- says that they can't keep calling him "Little Guy." Well, as he grows, I'm sure more names will become self-evident. "Not-Quite-As-Small-As-Before-Guy." "Medium Guy." "Big-For-His-Age Guy." Lana says that if they don't come up with a name, they'll make fun of him when he gets to high school. I have to reshuffle the contents of my brain to encompass a world where Lana said something I actually found amusing. Clark says that since they found him in Evans Field, they can name him Evan. Wow. Shelby the dog and Evan the baby. The Kents are on a hot streak. Lana giggles that he likes it. She introduces herself and Clark to the baby, formally. I don't know if that's necessary after you've already changed someone's feces. Lana says he's the most beautiful baby, like, ever. Clark tells Lana that maybe they should take a step back. He just pooped again.

Clark walks to the living room to put the baby in a bassinette. He says that the baby's dad might still be alive. Lana trash-talks the dad for leaving. Clark says they don't know what happened; he could have bolted to get help. Lana says that maybe Evan is just an orphan, like she and Clark were. Clark uses the Blue Magnum Gaze of Sadness. Lana thinks on the interconnectedness of things, suggesting that things like this don't just happen; Clark found Evan for a reason. "We found him," Clark says. Oh, yeah, about that...there's a sale at Banana Republic, and... The lights in the house suddenly flicker. There's also wind. In the house, Clark and Lana look over at Evan. That is one magical poop, right there. It's glowing. A white light bathes the room. Lana finds comfort in Clark's abs. Bo, sensing trouble, enters the room just as the lights are fading. Big close-up on Bo. This deserves a special platitude. But Bo's mind is too blown for that. "My God," he manages. The camera moves forward on what everyone is seeing. It's a boy, maybe about five or six years old, sitting on the table. He looks like he should be on a U2 album cover. He's shivering.

Commercials. Wow, lots more Star Wars commercials. Videogames. Pepsi. Ringtones. Good thing Lucas isn't selling out or anything.

Lair of Lex. We get a rare low profile view of his desk. He's got both hands above the desk. Lex is examining papers -- what look like a map and a letter. "What are you doing, son?" Papa Luthor asks as he enters. He asks if it's a new venture -- something worthy of a captain of industry. Lex says he's continuing where Papa Luthor left off, and can't talk now. Papa says they'd better talk, because Jane Seymour thinks Lex has the missing element. The Fifth Element? "The one from China," Papa clarifies. Lex leans forward and tells Papa that he's been raised to be smarter than that. He thinks Papa is using Jane as a threat. Papa tells Lex that he's there as a father who's concerned about the safety of his son. Lex is skeptical. Papa says that Jane killed Margot Kidder for an element: "Do you think she'd hesitate to do the same to you?" Lex is unfazed: "I don't have it." He adds that even if he did, he'd never trust Papa Luthor. Papa stops Lex as he starts to leave the room. If Lex was hiding the documents he was looking at, why would he leave the room and leave them lying around? Papa tells Lex that they don't have a lot of time left to spend together. Aw, that's sad. He says that Lex can spend the rest of that time being mistrustful, or he can accept that Papa Luthor is his father and loves him. I'm not sure what to make of this formerly benevolent, but now Bastardous, yet loving to his son Papa Luthor. He seems a bit mixed up, doesn't he? Lex -- who has probably heard this before -- is not convinced. He walks out of the room. Papa tells Lex as he leaves that Jane Seymour is dangerous. He asks Lex to watch his back. "I always do," Lex says, showing his back to Papa Luthor. Lex is an expert back-watcher. Just not always his own.

Kent Farm by day. The cows have stopped caring that there's a TV show going on around them. MamaKent -- who looks like she just got home (she works an all-nighter?) -- asks where Evan is. Clark says he's in the barn with Lana. Bo remarks on how amazing that growth spurt was. I guess that kid really is going to just grow himself! MamaKent says it's scary. She wants him to see a doctor. Bo and Clark have heard this one before, too. Clark asks what they're going to tell the doctor: "That he's a second-generation meteor freak?" Ow. That one stung. Clark echoes his parents' old fear that the kid will end up in a lab somewhere. Clark suggests that they take the kid to someone who has experience with the effects of meteor rock. Bo instantly knows who it is. He says he doesn't want to put Evan's life in Lex's hands. Wow, Clark. Given how much you've been trying to keep the family's secrets from Lex, this seems like a pretty boneheaded move, even for you. Nevertheless, Clark wins the argument by asking his folks what they'd do if Clark were in trouble and Lex was the only person who could help. That's a pretty cheap way to win an argument.

The Barnness of Daycaretude. Lana sits on Clark's couch with Evan. He's reading from an oversized book, The Velveteen Rabbit. Lana marvels: "You know how to read?" Nice babysitting there, Lana. Incidentally, I've been told by my parents that I did the exact same thing when I was around four or five. My mom saw me reading a book at the counter and she was like, "You can read?" I think I said, "Yeah. Now, where do we keep the William S. Burroughs books?" The year, I did my parents' taxes. The kid says he's read all of Clark's books, but that this one's his favorite. Jeez, how long have they kept him up here? He asks, "By the way. What's a 'gay erotica'?'" Evan says he also likes the encyclopedia. In an overly avuncular way, Lana says that's a pretty big book. Books, Lana. It's a set of books. Well, most of the time, at least. The kid says he stopped at W. Why stop there? He asks if Lana knew that windmills were invented in Persia. Dude, she doesn't even know where Belgian waffles came from. Lana is amazed and a little scared. The kid asks why Lana is looking at him like that. Holy Haley Joel Osment! Lana baby-talks that he's a very special boy -- perhaps the most special boy she's ever met. "Really?" he asks. Oh yeah. She also says he's lucky, because there are so many more books for him to read and so many more things for him to see. Wow. That's gonna be pretty sad in a few minutes. Lana gushes that he can see a real windmill, and see the whole world laid out around him. "Can we go? Right now?" Evan asks. Naw, let's save it for the end of the episode.

Clark enters and asks where they're going. "Dad!" Evan cries and runs to jump on Clark, who carries him up. He tells Clark that he and "Mom" are going to see a real windmill. He asks if Clark wants to come. "Um, Evan," Clark begins. He sits the kid down to tell him that he and Lana aren't his real parents. Also, Clark and Lana aren't real windmills. Evan, cute as a button and not in that fakey TV kid way, says that everyone is supposed to have a mother and father and they're supposed to love each other very much. Awkward! Also, how old are those encyclopedias, again? Lana and Clark look at each other. "Love" is such a strong word, kid. Lana says they both love Evan a lot, and that's what's important. Evan asks where his mom and dad are. Uh...Lana doesn't know: "Wherever they are, I'm sure they love you very much." Take it from the meteor pancake girl. Clark says they're gonna go for a ride in the truck. "Are we going to a windmill?" Evan asks, cutely. Damn, kid, enough with the windmill, already! Wait 'till you see boobs for the first time. Clark says they're going to take him to see a friend, first.

That friend is...a refinery? Oh. It's LuthorCorp. Inside, someone is drawing a solution into a needle. I thought it was our pal Dr. Sinclair, but then I remembered that an evil version of Lex killed him a few weeks ago. I wonder if this new guy heard about what happens to Lex's science officers. Sinclair 2.0 goes to Evan, who is lying on a harsh medical exam table with lights pointed at him, and injects him. There's crazy equipment everywhere. Evan winces. He turns to Lana and Clark, who are on the other side of a glass partition, and thinks, "This isn't a fucking windmill, you assholes! I've read the encyclopedia! The illustrated encyclopedia!" Clark waves, lamely. Hey, sorry about that whole needle thing. Want some frozen yogurt? You don't know what yogurt is because it's past W in the encyclopedia? Oh. Sorry. Lana says that Evan looks scared. Clark hopes it'll be over soon. The exam, not the show itself. Although...

Clark tells Lana -- who should know what's happening because she's standing right there -- that Lex's science team is trying to figure out what's going on. Lex, coming down some stairs, says they already have some intriguing ideas. Gypsy curse? Tibetan aging dance? Steroids? Lana asks if he'll be all right. Lex doesn't answer that right away. Clark asks what's up. Lex says that Evan's body is storing energy like a battery charging. They should have named him "Ray," short for "Ray-o-Vac." Lana asks for what. Lex says they think it'll lead to a rapid burst of cell division. Long cell division. Clark says that's how the kid went from baby to kindergartener in a day. Lana asks if they can stop it. Lex thinks a bone-marrow transplant might slow the kid's metabolism. Lana instantly volunteers her marrow. Are you sure there's real blood pumping in there? She says they'll do anything to help. Clark doesn't offer up his bone marrow just yet. Lex bypasses an opportunity to get more of Clark's blood, and says it's not that simple. He says they need marrow from an exact match -- a living donor who's a biological parent. Clark says that Evan's mom died. Did they establish that for sure? Clark says they can look for Evan's father. Lana asks what happens if they can't locate him.

The lights in the lab flicker before Lex can answer. We hear a whooshing sound. There's an explosion. A lab person is flung through a large window. Lex's labs are not a place you want to work without good health benefits. Sparks fly. Lana and Clark go through the broken window to find Evan 3.0. "Unbelievable," Lex says. It's a skinnier, younger version of Kirk from Gilmore Girls. I can't wait to see Evan's wacky escapades! Young (but not so young anymore) Evan looks at his own hands and asks, "What's wrong with me?" Clark squints. Uh, nothing! Lex tells his staff to take the kid to the Level 3 lab. Clark puts his coat on the shirtless teen and tells Lex that they're not taking him anywhere. Lex wants to run more tests. "I just wanna go home," the kid murmurs, sadly. "He's just a boy!" Lana tells Lex, as if he'd suddenly done something wrong. "You ought not to talk like that, you just a boy," I think, randomly. Clark says they understand that Lex is trying to help and that they appreciate it, but that they're going to take the kid home. Tell that to the lab technician with a plate of glass in his eye. They help Evan up and out of the lab. Lex looks sad and tired. It's not easy helping out everyone in the world with your vast piles of money and still being treated like you're the asshole.

Commercials. I'm seeing a lot of commercials for body spray lately. Am I missing something? Should I be using this stuff? Also, more Star Wars commercials. Perhaps you've heard there's a movie coming out?

Kent Farm. Cows again. Teen Evan, wearing one of Clark's dorky plaid shirts, looks like he's got bad allergies. "I'm dying, aren't I?" he asks Clark and Lana. Yep, they've got the maturity to deal with this question, all right. Lana tells him not to say that. Evan says that the lifespan of a man is seventy-four years (unless you're married to Anna Nicole Smith). He says he's aged from a newborn to a teen in forty-eight hours. So based on that...you're gonna miss Desperate Housewives this week, kid! "Do the math," Evan says glumly. Clark tries to do the math in his head. Shit don't work. So he says they're not going to give up. Clark says that Lex's team is working to find a cure. Lana says that they're trying to find his father. "You really think they're going to find a cure for me overnight?" Evan asks. Evan's only been on Earth for such a short time; where'd he get that shitty teen attitude? ["Watching The WB?" -- Wing Chun] Evan says that his life is like a trick that was played on him. My friend, I think the joke is on us. He says that all the things in the books he read that he thought he was going to see -- he's not. It is a cruel episode, isn't it? Very The Three Wishes of Billy Grier. Clark tells Evan not to talk like that. It's a bummer. Jeez, kid, can't you think of anybody but yourself? The teen says it's unfair. Word 'em up. Then he runs off. Lana complains that they need to do something. Clark tells Lana to go after Evan. He plans to go find Evan's father.

Smallville High. Inside, Chloe is telling Clark that the friendly phone company just got friendlier. Oh, man, it's a Verizon commercial. Actually, Chloe was able to get a trace on that 911 call. Chloe says it was a girl named Karen Gallagher. Clark remembers her and not just from the yearbook Chloe is showing him. He asks if she was Wall of Weird material. Chloe says the girl used to short out monitors when she'd walk into the computer lab, but nobody knew she had super-fast pregnancy powers. They walk into the offices of The Torch. Clark asks how long she was pregnant. Chloe is privy to information about a party where Karen "went NC-17" with some guy in a bedroom. NC-17? I know what it is, I'm just not sure why I'm hearing it come out of the mouth of a high-schooler. Clark repeats what Chloe said just to make sure it's not as crazy as it sounds. Then he says they need to find Evan's father. Right. I thought that's what we were doing here. Chloe does something smart -- even for Chloe. She's looking at an Evite for that party, checking all the names on the guest list. She grouses that the invitations for her and Clark must have gotten lost in the mail. We scroll down a list of RSVP names. Nice plug for Evite, that.

A car body shop. Clark -- looking dorky with his folded piece of paper -- asks for a Tanner Sutherland, which you usually have to pay extra for at the massage parlor. Tanner was on the Evite list. Clark finds the teen, who's working under a hood right then. (Car hood, not KKK hood.) Clark asks Delinquent Dad if he was at that one party last week. It was killer, dude. DD lies that he thinks he was working. "You didn't hook up with Karen Gallagher?" Clark asks, all accusatory. DD asks what Clark wants and who he is. "I'm the guy who found your son," Clark says sternly. It would be great if Clark jumped the gun and it was somebody else on the Evite he should be getting all self-righteous with. "Look, dude, I don't have a son," says DD. He also has work to do. Clark lectures, "I'm not gonna let you walk away from this. You have a responsibility!" DD tells Clark to get off of him. Clark tells DD that his son needs help. Clark wants to know how Evan got into that field. DD tells the story of how he hooked up at the party, then got a call the day from the girl saying she was pregnant. He says he went over and the girl's stomach was already, you know, pregnant. He says that, a week later, they were in his car on their way to the hospital. He says she was screaming and then the car went up, "like a freakin' A-bomb!" DD says it wasn't a baby. "It was some kind of monster," he says. Uh oh. Clark looks at him coldly: "He's a human being, Tanner." Yeah, Tanner! "And he's your son," Clark adds. He tells DD that his son is aging rapidly and needs a bone-marrow transplant from DD. DD says, "What!? No!" in a highly comical and very expected way. DD says he can't deal with this. He walks away. Clark maybe should have tried a slicker approach than the "You suck, deadbeat dad" method.

Kent barn. Clark is grabbing some sacks of stage business as Bo platitudes that, hey, the dad is just too young and fatherhood is an enormous responsibility. Children who land in strange craters aren't going to just raise themselves! Clark is still angry. He shouldn't be the only guy his age getting pissed on by babies. Clark is mad that Evan's going to die because his father won't help. Bo Duke says that they'll figure it out, but what's more important is what they'll tell Evan. I hate to disagree, but I think the fact that he's going to die soon without a bone-marrow transplant is a little more important than how you're going to tell him about his dad. Clark suggests not telling Evan about his father: "He's going to take it pretty hard." Bo says that an orphan child has a right to know about his origins. "You should know that better than anybody," Bo burps, putting a hand on Clark's shoulder. Bo offers to talk to Evan. He says he has some experience in the area. Clark wants to tell Evan himself.

"Tell him what?" Evan asks, walking in suddenly with Lana. Where's your super-hearing now, Man of Rusting Steel? "Did you find my father?" Evan asks hopefully. Well, yes, but he's a douche. Lana smiles: "Clark, where is he?" Lana! Ix-nay on the ather-fay! Oh. Wait. Evan did get past "Pig Latin" in the encyclopedia. Clark says only, "He works downtown." At the police station? Clark tells him the name of the auto garage and the name of Evan's dad. Tanner? What a disappointment. It gets very awkward when Evan asks, "When can I see him?" Bo steps forward when Clark chokes on his unprepared speech. He says that sometimes when you meet your biological father, it can be painful. Especially when he belittles you and then yells at your mom to go get him his goddamn turkey pot pie and you say, "What about you, Dad?" and he says, "Fuck you!" And then you go, "No, what about you, Dad?" And he goes, "Fuck you!" and you yell, "NO! DAD! What about you!?" and then he hits you on the head. That always sucks. Evan doesn't understand. Clark steps forward and says that dads don't always live up to your expectations. Evan, have you ever heard of a "baby daddy"? Evan still wants to see his father. Lana interjects that they're just trying to protect Evan. "You can't protect me!" he whines. "No one can!" Except his douche daddy! Clark tells Evan to calm down. Evan: "Stop telling me what to do Clark! You're not my father! Gaw!" Clark is like, "What the fuck just happened?" Oh and happy Mother's Day, by the way, Lana. You're not my mother, either! Evan runs up to the loft. Uh, kid, the exit is downstairs.

LuthorCorp at night. Lex is looking at some sort of brain-scanny chart. He asks Sinclair 2.0 if there's any chance of an error. Sinclair 2.0 says they've run the projections three times. Well run them a fourth time, you lackey! What the hell are we paying you for, anyway? Go stand by that window before it explodes! Lex sighs and rubs the succulent back of his head while Clark just waltzes right in to the no-security zone and says he's found Evan's father. Lex asks where he is. Clark says he's in town, but doesn't want to help. Lex says that Evan's cell division is increasing exponentially. My God. He's as big as a house by now! Wait a minute. We just saw him and he totally wasn't. Dammit, I knew we should have run those tests a fourth time. Sinclair 2.0! Damn you! Hold still while I slap you! Lex says Evan's going to expel a lot of energy when he has a "massive chronological event" soon. You mean like the Big Ben clock in England? Clark asks if Lex is saying that Evan is about to die. Well, let's just say that you should skip depositing money into his college savings account this week. Lex says it's a lot worse than that. Oh no. He's going to die twice! Lex says that Evan will release enough energy to kill himself and anyone else at hand. Don't let the insurgents get him! Clark shits a superbrick.

The auto shop at night. The old man who runs the shop is heading out. Deadbeat Dad tells him g'night as he shuts off the lights. For a deadbeat, this dad sure does work some long hours. "We're closed. Come back tomorrow," he tells Evan as he walks right past the fruit of his grease-stained loins. "You deaf?" DD asks. "What're you starin' at?" Not great acting, that's for sure. Evan -- who has a bad habit of letting his mouth hang open when it's not putting words together -- says, "My father." DD tells Evan not to call him that, and adds that he's not the kid's father. "Yes you are," says Evan, sadly. "Why won't you admit it?" Because ladies won't sleep with an eighteen-year-old with a fifteen-year-old son. DD tells Evan to stay away. "Please, Dad, just help me!" the kid says, pathetically. He reaches out to his father and says he's his son. "No you're not!" DD argues. They tussle a bit. "You're some kind of freak!" DD yells. He pushes the kid away and rips off a piece of shirt as he does. DD falls back and hits something behind him. Blood comes out of his mouth. He was impaled on a random sharp object left out in case they needed to impale anything for an '88 Toyota Camry. Evan, mouth open, is horrified. "Dad?" he asks. Dad's dead. Evan goes to him and keeps saying, "Dad? Dad? My God. What have I done?" as the camera pulls back to a crane shot of the kid kneeling by his dead daddy's body. Can this episode get any more depressing?

Commercials. I'm too sad to watch.

Clark and Lex are at the auto garage. Great pistons! Clark, on the phone with Bo, and asks Bo to call if he finds Evan. They must have just met up there, because Lex asks what's going on. Clark tells him they lost the boy. "Well, let's make sure we can help him when he turns up," Lex says. Er, sure. That's cool. They spot the body of Dead Deadbeat Dad, nicely lit by an overhead lamp. "He's dead," Lex says. And beat. Clark finds a scrap of red plaid shirt in the dad's hand. "Evan," he says. Also, "tampering with evidence." Lex -- never one to shy away from bad news -- says they needed a living donor for the marrow transplant. Clark says that there has to be some other way to help Evan. Trip to Vegas? Lex says they need to track him down and seal him in a containment chamber beneath LuthorCorp. That's "help"? Clark disagrees. Lex says it's the only way to contain the blast from his final change. Clark says he won't just let the kid die. Lex says there's nothing they can do to stop that, but that if they don't isolate him, lots of innocent people will die, too. Exponentially!

Hey, is that a big-ass windmill on the Kent Farm? The camera pans down from it to the Kent home. Lana's on the phone with Bo telling him that Evan hasn't come back. But then he does. Lana turns and almost runs into him. He's very sad. "Evan, I have been worried sick about you!" she says, mom-like. She notices his bad state and asks if he's all right. He tells her he did something bad. She asks him what happened. He says it was an accident. A mistake. Lana says we've all made mistakes; it's what makes us human. Come on, kid. How bad can it be? It's not like you killed someone, right? Ha ha. Right? Lana asks again what happened. Evan doubles over in pain. "It's happening again," he says. "I can feel it!" Lana picks up the phone to call Clark, but the line is dead. The lights in the room flicker. "It's coming!" he says. And for good measure, "I can feel it!" Lana, concerned, says there has to be something they can do. "There is," he says. "The windmill that you told me about." He tells her he'd like to see it. Well, see that window over there? Look out and straight up. "Just once," he says. Kid, you can look at the Kents' windmill like fifty times before you die. It's right there! See? Over yonder? No? "Please, Lana, hurry," he cries. Lana is completely unfazed by the idea of watching this kid blow her up.

High school. Torch. Clark, holding an open cell phone, calls out to Chloe,asking if Evan has been there. Chloe -- who barely moves her eyes from the layout she's working on -- says she doesn't even know if she'd recognize the kid at the rate he's aging. Clark says he keeps trying to call Lana, but all he gets from her cell is static. Static? On a cell phone? Really? Chloe suggests that maybe Evan's putting out an energy field, like his mom did. Ooh, yo mama's energy field is sooooo big...! Chloe says that would explain the power surges. The, uh...the what? Chloe shows a computer screen of Kansas State Water and Power. She apparently has access to their grid. She says there've been surges popping up all over town. Chloe pulls up the map of the area. Hey, hexagons! "What's this?" Clark says. He's not the brightest cape in the superhero closet. Chloe says it's the DWP grid. You're going to have to dumb it down about ten notches, Chloe. She says that those hexagons are the affected areas. Oh. Hexagons are six-sided, Clark. It's in the encyclopedia. Clark asks for the most recently affected area. Chloe says it's ten miles west of town in an empty area. She asks why they'd go out there. "The windmill," Clark says. Of course! It's not like there's a lot of layers for Clark to dig through in this script for answers, you know. "The one in Chandler field?" Chloe asks. Could it be any emptier? Clark whooshes out of there. Chloe has to do her millionth "Oh, great, where did he go?" scene. "Go get 'em, Speedy," she says.

Hey, nice windmill ya got there! Heh. I love that joke. Lana and Evan are way, way up high on a huge windmill. It's got racing stripes. "You're right," Evan tells Lana. "The whole world is right there." Oh, right. You didn't make it to "world" in the encyclopedia. He sees a few trees, some grass, and Metropolis off on the horizon. He says it's beautiful. Lana smiles, because she thinks he's talking about her. She's glad he got a chance to see it. Helicopter shot of the two of them on top of that rig. I imagine Lana's light enough to just blow away with a meager breeze. We cut back to Evan as he starts to glow and buckle in pain. Lana wonders how she could have ever foreseen such an event. Clark suddenly whooshes into the scene and up the windmill, catching Lana as she's about to fall. He tells Lana she has to go. Lana: "No, Clark, we have to help him!" He tells her there's no time, and that she has to go, now. "Clark!" Evan moans. "Go!" Clark yells. Lana climbs down the stairs. Clark holds Evan as he lies down, in pain. Clark says it's all right, and that he's there. Evan says he's sorry for what he said earlier. Clark says it's fine. Evan: "I'm glad it was you and Lana who found me." Aww. Really? I guess the kid doesn't know from the Huxtables. "I think you found us," Clark says. We hear a rumbling. "It's happening!" Evan cries. "I feel it! You'd better go!" Clark refuses. He's not leaving. "I wish you had been my father, Clark," Evan says, and it does indeed pull at the heartstrings. Even my blackened, charred ones. Evan winces. He starts to glow in tie-dyed colors. Clark hugs him. We get an overhead view as Clark's jacket appears to be the size and color of a certain famous cape. Mmm, Cheez Whiz. Lana ducks behind her SUV. The windmill starts to explode. Lots of colorful effects. Then it's over. Lana gets up to see what happened. She calls for Clark. Clark emerges, looking like he just got shot in the face by Daffy Duck. There's smoke everywhere. Lana asks if he's all right. "I got clear, uh, just before," he says. Hey, man. I'm sorry your kid blew up. "Where's Evan?" Lana asks. Clark thinks about that for a minute, and then says, "He's gone." Depressed yet? You're soaking in it.

Kent home at night. I see that windmill again. We crane in through the barn's open window as Clark is moping around and Lana is coming up the stairs. They're going through Evan's tiny assortment of clothes. Lana whispers, "I can't believe he's gone." Lana speechifies that she's felt so disconnected this year. You and us both. She says that when Evan came along she finally felt like she knew where she belongs: "Get me pregnant, Clark!" Not really. Lana actually says she finally had a purpose. After four seasons. Nice. Clark climbs up the old family platitude tree and comes down with "He only lived for a short time, but it seems like Evan's affected us like we've known him our whole lives." Not like the dozens of other people that have come and died on your doorstep. Lana goes deep, saying that we think we have all this time, but we don't. Clark says we should make the most of the time we have left. Wanna get pregnant? Lana picks up the copy of The Velveteen Rabbit. She says it was Evan's favorite book. "Really?" Clark asks. It was his favorite, too, when he read it. Late last year. Clark says he used to pretend he was the rabbit and that his parents had brought him to life with their love. Damn you, show, for making this stuff all mopey with the music and Clark being a little bit cute here. Lana lets her eyes swim in their tears a bit and says that she only hopes Evan felt that way about her and Clark. Clark leans forward, and it looks like they're going to kiss, but they just hug instead. Sad music plays. Lana almost cries.

Metropolis. Jane Seymour's pad. It's dark in the room this time. Papa Luthor is admiring a bottle of wine that she's offering -- a 1961 Bordeaux. He chuckles, honored. Jane pours wine for them both. She says she assumes that his visit is worth celebrating. "Don't all my visits deserve to be celebrated?" he asks, slyly. "Some more than others," she replies. Papa sniffs his wine. Jane leans forward and asks if he has something for her. He says he most certainly does. He clinks glasses with her and says it's to the resolution of their problems. She drinks while he continues only to sniff. Do you see what's coming? He watches her with evil intent and then turns away. He tells her that parenthood is an interesting phenomenon. As he walks away from her, we see in the background that she's lowering her hand with the glass and looks like she's choking. She touches her neck. Evil music. "The lengths we go to, to protect our children," Papa says. She drops her glass. It shatters on the floor. "No limits," he says. She manages, "What have you done to me?" She chokes some more and falls to the floor. She retches and gags. Papa puts his glass on a shelf and walks to her. "The wine you have just drunk will kill you in a matter of minutes. I'm told that the pain will be excruciating." She holds her neck and watches him in horror. Papa proposes a trade. She'll give him the artifact she stole from Margot Kidder and he'll give her the antidote. He whips out a vial with blue liquid. Mmm, Windex. She reaches for it. "And one more thing," Papa says, squinting at her magnificently. "You go near my son, and anything that happens to him happens to you." War drums play. Seriously. He asks her if she understands. She nods. He shakes the vial toward her as if she's being naughty. "The element, Genevieve. Where is it?" The music comes to a crescendo. Eeeeeevil!

Kent porch. Most depressed Clark ever. He's lost best friend and ratings all in one year! A screen door opens and closes: Bo and MamaKent have come to comfort Clark. Bo gives Clark a hearty pat on the shoulder and tells him he did everything he could. MamaKent says that Evan knew that. Clark asks how they dealt with his frequent disappearances and running-offs. Bo says it's tough, but comes with the territory. Let us now read from the Book of Platitudes, Duke 21:17: "Every parent's greatest fear is that they'll one day lose their child forever." Clark sighs and says that raising a kid is the toughest job in the world. MamaKent says it's also the most rewarding. She just lost her crack pipe. Bo says that there's nothing like watching your son grow up to be a young man you can be very proud of. Or, you know, someone like Clark. Clark says it's too bad he won't know what that's like. "Why not?" MamaKent asks. "I'm from another planet," he says, straight-faced. "I'm not even human. Who knows if I can have kids?" MamaKent says she and Bo couldn't have children and they were still blessed with a son. She says you never know. You just don't. Long close-up on Clark.

Stately Luthor Manor, nighttime. Lex is looking over some papers with Sinclair 2.0 as Clark enters, this time with an escort. Clark thanks Lex for straightening things out with Child Services. Yeah, they don't like it when you take a kid home then tell them that he got blow'd up. "I know you grew pretty tight with him," Lex says. Clark looks like he's about to laugh. Lex says he's making sure Evan's death won't be in vain. He says that their studies could advance research on cancer and aging diseases by hundreds of years. Lex plans to release their findings to every research facility across the globe. Even the ones that only study carbs? Lex says that Evan's life might offer hope for generations. Clark is beaming. Clark says that Evan was special. He wonders what kind of man he would have become. Lex says a good one. And he knows from good men. He says that Evan would have been great with Clark in his life, and that Clark will be a great dad someday. Lex's daddy. It's the Gayest Look of the Episode. "So will you, Lex," Clark says. Wanna get pregnant? Lex says he doesn't know about that; he says that Clark got support and love as child, but that Lex got the opposite growing up. "I plan on leaving a different kind of legacy," Lex warns. Lex says he's going to get back to work. By the fireplace. With Sinclair 2.0. Clark thanks Lex again. They shake hands. Clark leaves the room. Saucily, Sinclair 2.0 comes up to Lex and asks if he's sure he wants to release the findings. Lex thinks about it and says, coolly, "Eventually." But I guess Clark's superhearing didn't pick that up. Brooding music plays. We go to the title card.

week: torture, kidnapping and possibly death! That'll be a nice change of pace for this show, huh?