First off, thanks to Cyb for the recaplet assist. You saved a man's sanity this week.
Alt-rock crap (oh, alt-rock crap, how I've missed you; that's how much of a bummer this season has been) plays, loudly, as we're zoomed in on a close-up of the front page of the Smallville High Torch on a computer monitor. The page-one headline reads, "School's out forever!" The freshmen, sophomores, and juniors read it and cry, "hells yes!" The newspaper also reads, "Last edition." It's shutting down forever without Chloe? That would make sense, since she's been its only consistent employee for four years (and was already running the place freshman year). Chloe is signing a very glamorous photo of herself in a high-school yearbook. I can't quite make out what she writes, but it's short enough to be of the "Have a great summer!" sentiment. She hands it to a floppy-haired dude who just had to have an autograph from the Chloe Sullivan. Hey, Chloe, is it true that you once dated Superman? And you let him crush your spirit for a few seasons after that? Because this yearbook's gonna be a collector's item someday! The guy does me a favor by reading what Chloe wrote: "To Brandon, a photographer who could always capture the moment." From Chloe, one-woman media conglomerate. She and Brandon have a Nescafe moment. He says, "Thanks." She says, "Sure." Brandon -- who will later turn out to be a PhotoJerkalist -- stuffs his yearbook into his backpack and says he's gotta run. He'll see her at lunch. Chloe sips on the biggest coffee container I've ever seen that isn't made of advanced plastics and gets back to work. A bell rings as she begins to type. And here's where things get a little weird: her computer makes weird little beeps as Chloe looks up and notices that the clock says 8:30. She looks toward the hall and notices that nobody's walking by.
Cut to Chloe walking into the high-school hallway. We see her from a bird's-eye view. Everything is dim and empty. But enough about the script. Ah ha ha! I kid the script. Seriously, script, I'm sorry. I know you're a scrappy little guy, trying to make it in the world as one of the runts of the late-season litter. Buck up, little partner. Omar's got your back. The camera whooshes down rather nicely as Chloe walks down the hall. It cranes down and pursues her (saaay. Nice, uh, jeans there, Chloe) around a corner. Things look spooky and overlit. "hello?" she calls out. There's a sign on the wall that reads, "Patricia Taylor for Secretary." There are also signs, randomly, opposed to alcohol abuse and in favor of hot dogs. My brain can't quite reconcile the two. Maybe there's a brats and beer epidemic at Smallville High. Chloe dares to walk past the hot dog sign and to another set of lockers, still calling out. The camera does a 720-degree turn around Chloe. We hear a spooky wind sound. There's a shower running. Chloe walks toward it.
“ The Kents are discussing something about Clark and thinking, so you know it must be bad. ”
Athletic office. Wow, this is where Jason used to work. Chloe walks past some trophies and toward the locker room and the showers. There's major fog-machine action going on down there. Chloe recognizes someone in there. "Haley?" she calls. She's relieved and says she thinks the two of them are the only people in the -- uh oh. Haley is bent over to get water from a fountain. The water is dribbling out of her frozen mouth. Her skin is pudding white. Her eye is glazed over with some kind of pudding-like substance, but the eye beneath moves from side to side. Chloe backs away in horror. She looks around, trying to find the evil tapioca monster that did this.
Hallway again. Chloe bursts out into the hall and goes toward one of the school exits. The doors won't open. She runs in another direction. The camera appears to be shooting her from about kneecap level.
The Torch. Chloe picks up a very cheap prop phone and it's dead. She draws three sets of blinds in a row. We can't see what she sees, but Chloe is horrified. White light spills in as Chloe backs away. "What's going on?" she asks. There appear to be fluorescent bars of light in the windows. Another bell rings. The camera rotates up and out of the room, finding a ceiling panel to escape from as Chloe yells for help. I hope that camera operator took some Dramamine.
Abrupt cut to the exterior of a warehouse. Another jump cut to a run-down industrial area, complete with smokestacks. Huh. I have no idea what the fuck's going on. Let's hope we find out.
Opening credits. Somebody saaaaaave me from recapping week's ninety-minute episode! No, not really. I'm looking forward to about sixty minutes of it.
Commercials. House of Wax. How appropriate.
Kent Farm. What, no exterior shot? Clark is doop-de-doo'ing down the stairs. As he's rolling up a plaid sleeve for that lesbian trucker look, he overhears his folks talking about him. They must not know about his super-hearing. You could really screw with someone's head when you know he can hear you from across the farm. The Kents are discussing something about Clark and thinking, so you know it must be bad. Clark walks into the kitchen. Bo, wearing his Mighty Brown Vest of Stern Parenting, asks Clark why the hell he's got a financial aid package from Central Kansas, a university I'm going to guess is not exactly Princeton as far as Bo is concerned. "It's where I'm going to college," Clark announces, and quickly averts his eyes because it's a shameful, shameful thing. Bo asks, "What happened to Met U?" Yes, what did happen to Met U? It has lost my respect as a credible university when its scholars couldn't calculate the distance between Smallville and Metropolis. Boo to you, Met U! Bo asks what happened to Ohio and Miami. Ohio? When was Clark considering Ohio? It's a credit to the show's genius that we've gotten so far into Clark's head that we can anticipate these moments that seem to come from out of nowhere. Clark says glumly that it's so he can stay closer to home. Dude, you can sprint across the country in, like, ten seconds. How close to home do you need to be? MamaKent nurtures by saying that starting in a new city with new friends is tough, but that Clark can't let that hold him back. Bo digs into the cookie jar for a particularly stale platitude, saying that this is one of the most important decisions Clark is going to make in his whole life. "You don't think I know that?" Clark says, with a hint of sass. Hit him, Bo! Bo asks if Lana is going to Central Kansas. Clark says he doesn't know, and that this isn't about Lana. That pisses Bo off even more: "Oh, then this is about us. You don't think I can run this farm without your help." Clark says that this is where he's needed. Damn. I was really looking forward to Miamiville. Bo says that Clark's destiny lies beyond those cornfields out there. By the way, have you shucked the corn today, Clark? Bo's not going to let Clark turn his back on that for the family. Clark stares, blankly. He's thinking very hard about cargo pants. "Now I've got a farm to run," Bo says, giving Clark the stink-eye. He exits. MamaKent asks Clark if that's really the reason. Clark visualizes himself in those Old Navy pants. Mmm, pockets.
Outside, Jason is collecting some firewood. He looks over and sees Papa Luthor and Lex jumping out from the house, not at all sneakily. This moment is so stupid it's somehow protected by an irony shield that I can't penetrate with mere snark. Jason drops wood. Heh. Lex and Papa Luthor run. Jason draws and cocks his gun. Excitement! Papa and Lex run through the misty evergreen forests of Kansas. Jason follows, firing badly. Lex and Papa leap over a log. More bad Jason firing. Run, run, run! Shoot, shoot, shoot! Lex and Papa stop behind a big tree. Lex suggests that they split up. "Go!" he says. Papa Luthor, breathing heavily, tries, running pretty ineffectually.
Jason finds Papa Luthor scampering up a hill. He points his gun to fire, but bad shot that he is, he hits the log instead of Papa. Still, Papa falls back down the hill, rolling painfully over some logs in a serious Homer Simpson moment. From way up on the hill where he'll surely miss, Jason aims again. Giving him ample warning, Lex goes, "Gah!" and swings a stick at Jason's chest. He whacks Jason on the face. Jason falls. Jason throws dirt in Lex's eye, which in fighting circles is actually called "The Old Dirt-in-the-Eyes Trick." Jason runs. This must have been a great day at the table reading. "What? We just run around for like ten minutes of the show, back and forth, shooting and jumping over logs and shit in the cold Canadian forest? I can't fucking wait."
Jason runs up a nature trail. Lex, stick in hand, follows. Why not try the gun, Lex? Oh, wait, I know why. Jason stops just short of falling off a cliff into icy water. Yikes! Lex makes it there and pulls back his stick to swing it. (Yes, I know: dirty!) Jason tries to reason with Lex, telling him they're not that different. "Don't do this! Look at me!" Jason begs, saying it wasn't about them, it was about their parents. Lex says he always knew he'd have to protect Lana from Jason. "Not as much as you've been protecting your best friend," Jason says. Ooh, busted, Lex. "Huh? Clark?" Lex says that Clark has nothing to do with this. Jason tells Lex that Clark is more connected to this than any of them. He reminds Lex about how weird Clark is. Lex says Jason is just shifting blame. Jason asks Lex to see what's right in front of his face. Farmboy balls. "It's Clark," Jason says. "He's --" Gunshot! Jason's shoulder! I think he was going to finish with, "-- Monty Python's Flying Cir-cusss!" Lex turns. Papa Luthor is holding the smoking gun. Jason loses his footing and falls off the cliff. "I always knew I wouldn't last past Season Fooooooooooouuuuur!" Lex, still gripping his stick, looks down at the water where Jason has splashed. He drops it. Papa puts a hand on Lex's neck and says that Jason was about to kill him. Uh, yeah, dude. "Or divulge something you didn't want me to know," Lex says, flatly. Papa says that Lex saved his life back there, and Papa was returning the favor. Lex says he knows Papa has the stone. He says that if anything happens to Lana, Papa will be begging for an end like Jason's. He's pretty angry. Lex walks away. Papa sighs and looks down from the cliff.