Hey, everybody. Three episodes left. Can we make it? I'm going to say yes.
A dark back road. A sporty car is barreling down the street. Inside, two teens are pretty frantic. The girl in the passenger seat is on the phone, telling someone that she needs help and that there isn't enough time. She screams. We pull back to show that her belly, full of baby, is ready to burst. The boy, who is driving, grabs the phone and yells at the person on the other end of the line, telling them that this is an emergency. "It's too late, it's too late," the girl says. Suddenly, her belly starts to glow. She's a Glo-Worm Mommy! The belly glows greenish yellow, then pink. "It's coming!" she cries. The driver is like, "Hooooooly shit!" He swerves off the road, smartly hits a gnarly branch, and ends up stopping the car in an empty green field. It's hard to tell if it's the girl's belly or her hoo-ha that's glowing. If it's not her belly, I can tell you that she might have a bright future career in the entertainment industry. She cries to the driver, "What's happening to me?" Dude is like, "I, uh...GROSS!" Her belly continues glowing, but now there's something thumping to get out. "I'm sorry!" the guy says and runs out of the car. See ya! Sent me a text message and let me know where you're registered, 'kay? She screams for him not to leave, but it's too late. Papa is a rolling stone. The glow goes nuclear. The mother screams. The light turns into a crazy blast of illumination. It spills onto the road, even. Ew, light-based afterbirth! It seems to cover the pavement in misty birth muss. A car on the road brakes suddenly and stops. Inside the car: one Miss Lana Lang (on her driver's license, it says, "Hair: Pretty, preternatural") and one Mr. Clark Kent, doofus-at-large. They like each other again. Clark asks if she's all right. Lana says yeah, and asks what that was just now. Clark thinks it must have come from Evans Field. Or from his pants.
We cut to a crater's-eye view of Clark and Lana approaching a giant hole. Hey, it's almost a metaphor for the gaping quagmire that is Season 4! Jump in, Lana! The Superman Music of Discovery is playing. In the mist inside the crater, a baby cries. Clark and Lana look at each other. To my complete and utter surprise, Lana does actually jump in the hole. "Lana, wait!" Clark calls. She whips off her blue scarf and rushes down. Lana's scarf has magically transformed into a blue blanket that neatly swaddles the tiny baby. Great Gerber! Lana and Clark stare at each other. Clark thinks, stupidly, "Uh, is it mine?" The camera pulls back dramatically as Lana and Clark stand inside the crater. Back. Back. A little bit further back, please? All right. We can see now that it's a pretty big crater. Opening credits.
Commercials. Yoda likes Diet Pepsi. Wow, the force of taste is not strong with this one.
Smallville Medical Center. Sure, why the hell not? Sheriff Cheshire, working the late shift, is questioning Clark and Bo Duke in the hospital hallway. She's wearing her Marge Gunderson jacket. She informs them that babies just don't fall out of the sky. Ha! But see, that's funny, because Clark did that one time! Genius! Clark tells her that there was a thirty-foot crater. He asks how else she'd explain it. Cheshire says she can't, and that's why they have this thing called an "investigation." Perhaps you're heard of it? Similarly, we're total dicks to each other in rehearsals for our upcoming show. When somebody asks a dumb question about something they forgot, we all pile on: "There's a collection of papers with directions for what we say on stage and where we move around. That's the script to the show that we're having week. You should totally come! It's Thursday at 8." Bo asks what's going to happen to the baby. Can he feed it to the cows? Marge...er, Cheshire says that they'll put the kid in Child Services until they find a family for him. Shouldn't they be looking for the parents first? Cheshire has a rare moment of empathy for Clark. She tells him he did something good for a change. "The little critter wouldn't be alive if it wasn't for you." "Critter"? Like that movie about the critters from space? The one called Critters? Maybe she meant "fritter," like the pastry. Clark doesn't show any emotion at all. He's probably wondering about the word "critter," too. When the sheriff leaves, Clark takes Bo aside to tell him he doesn't think the parents are from "around here." My God. Zee Germans. Run! Get help! Bo takes a good long while for his line, looking around and sputtering a bit to give it a running start. He asks if Clark thinks the baby is not of Earth. Clark says his parents found Clark in a crater, too. Bo says that when they found Clark, there was a spaceship nearby. Maybe the baby had valet parking. Bo says they don't know what happened in that field. Ooh, ooh, I do! It's right up there in this recap! Clark looks incredibly bored or tired, I can't tell which.
Crying baby. That's a portly little baby. Clark and Bo Duke enter the exam room. Lana is holding the child. MamaKent is beaming. This baby is like crack cocaine for her. Lana complains that the baby won't stop crying. Geez, baby! What's the deal, man! At least when Lana cries, it's for a good reason! Teen angst! MamaKent says that the crying is a good sign that the baby is healthy. The cries of a child are like sweet maple syrup to MamaKent. And she's on a sugar high. Lana says she's going to get more formula for the baby. Why not breastfeed? Oh. Right. Lana. Lana moves to hand the baby to Clark. He's like, "Me!? Are you kidding? I will crush him with my clumsy hands like a grape under a cinderblock! Did I say that out loud?" Clark holds the baby and it quiets instantly. Clark smiles. Huh. Baby. Lana says that someone must have the magic touch. Clark suddenly misses Lex. Smiles all around. Lana exits. MamaKent touches the baby's foot. Oh, sweet babyfoot! Mmmm, that's good babyfoot. Clark asks where Child Services is. MamaKent says they're not coming; they have no room, so they'll keep the baby in the hospital until they're able to take him. Clark is offended by that idea. He says that maybe the baby can come stay with them. First Lois, then the dog, now a baby? But, sure, I'm certain they'll let you walk right out with a baby. Bo looks concerned. MamaKent just won the heroin lottery. It would be silly how baby-crazy she is at this moment if it wasn't sad that she lost hers. But of course, that won't be mentioned in this episode. Close-up of the baby. The closed-captioning has someone asking the baby, "What do you think?" which is cute, but didn't make it to the final edit.
Hey, is that a big-ass windmill on the Kent Farm? The camera pans down from it to the Kent home. Lana's on the phone with Bo telling him that Evan hasn't come back. But then he does. Lana turns and almost runs into him. He's very sad. "Evan, I have been worried sick about you!" she says, mom-like. She notices his bad state and asks if he's all right. He tells her he did something bad. She asks him what happened. He says it was an accident. A mistake. Lana says we've all made mistakes; it's what makes us human. Come on, kid. How bad can it be? It's not like you killed someone, right? Ha ha. Right? Lana asks again what happened. Evan doubles over in pain. "It's happening again," he says. "I can feel it!" Lana picks up the phone to call Clark, but the line is dead. The lights in the room flicker. "It's coming!" he says. And for good measure, "I can feel it!" Lana, concerned, says there has to be something they can do. "There is," he says. "The windmill that you told me about." He tells her he'd like to see it. Well, see that window over there? Look out and straight up. "Just once," he says. Kid, you can look at the Kents' windmill like fifty times before you die. It's right there! See? Over yonder? No? "Please, Lana, hurry," he cries. Lana is completely unfazed by the idea of watching this kid blow her up.
High school. Torch. Clark, holding an open cell phone, calls out to Chloe,asking if Evan has been there. Chloe -- who barely moves her eyes from the layout she's working on -- says she doesn't even know if she'd recognize the kid at the rate he's aging. Clark says he keeps trying to call Lana, but all he gets from her cell is static. Static? On a cell phone? Really? Chloe suggests that maybe Evan's putting out an energy field, like his mom did. Ooh, yo mama's energy field is sooooo big...! Chloe says that would explain the power surges. The, uh...the what? Chloe shows a computer screen of Kansas State Water and Power. She apparently has access to their grid. She says there've been surges popping up all over town. Chloe pulls up the map of the area. Hey, hexagons! "What's this?" Clark says. He's not the brightest cape in the superhero closet. Chloe says it's the DWP grid. You're going to have to dumb it down about ten notches, Chloe. She says that those hexagons are the affected areas. Oh. Hexagons are six-sided, Clark. It's in the encyclopedia. Clark asks for the most recently affected area. Chloe says it's ten miles west of town in an empty area. She asks why they'd go out there. "The windmill," Clark says. Of course! It's not like there's a lot of layers for Clark to dig through in this script for answers, you know. "The one in Chandler field?" Chloe asks. Could it be any emptier? Clark whooshes out of there. Chloe has to do her millionth "Oh, great, where did he go?" scene. "Go get 'em, Speedy," she says.