You guys are back after last week's episode? Wow. You people are brave.
The Talon. There's a mad, mad, mad, mad rush for coffee! It's crazy! People have got their caffeine mojo risin'. Somewhere (probably in Colombia), Juan Valdez is going, "I'm rich, bitch!" Behind the counter is Lois Lane, who is now working at The Talon and probably still living with the Kents. Check out the forward character momentum on Lois! No, really, don't, because there is none; I wouldn't want you to waste your time. Lois is completely mumbling to herself as she serves coffee, comparing herself to a free show as the overhead camera tries to peek at her cleavage, but doesn't really get much going there. Sorry, Al and Miles! We tried! Lois is attempting to say everything that runs through her mind like her coffee-slinging is avant-garde theater. She is definitely going to be Crazy Cat Lady with fifty felines in the house and brain damage from all the kitty litter when she's an old lady (like in six or seven years).
The camera smoothly comes around to settle on the back of a young man's head as he faces the coffee counter. We get a reverse angle. Scary! The young man would be handsome except he looks like a serial killer as he eyes Lois putting money into the cash register. "Oh, sweet, sweet cash register...how I want to dress you up like my ex-girlfriend and do awful things to you. Your buttons...so pliable. No! No! Must resist!" Or it could be he just wants cash. Lois sprays some whipped cream on some coffee and manages to make it muy unsexy. In a fairly smooth movement, the guy (whom we shall call Memor-X for reasons to be revealed later) goes behind the counter, grabs a muffin, tosses it from one hand to the , and goes straight to the register. He grabs the cash from the open drawer and walks off like it ain't no thang. It is to Lois, though. She stops him: "Whoa! You did not just do that!" she posits. From where I was sitting, it looked like he totally did. He raises a hand and zaps crazy yellow-green beams at her face, which nobody in the entire crowded coffee shop happens to notice. They must really have the coffee jones bad. Green light flashes. "What can I get you?" Lois says to the thief, amiably. Holy mind control! This guy must be...Memor-X! (Ask for him by name.) The guy, wearing the signifying Hoodie of Evil, smiles and says he's already been helped. Indeed. Well played. Touché. Uh...nice pants. Lois shuts the cash drawer and goes on to the customer. Mind taking! We don't borrow, we don't lease, we take the mind. Mind taking!
Chloe and Clark come through the front doors of The Talon. "University of Miami?" Chloe asks. Woo! Miamirules! Can you imagine Lana in Miami? She'd be under an umbrella the whole time complaining because everyone around her is so shallow. Not like in Paris, where everyone is a delicately complex asshole. Chloe, skeptical, says she just doesn't see Clark Kent trading his flannels for flip-flops. Oh, I do. I see it like a giant-ass drive-in movie screen. CLARK! SPRING BREAK! Clark says that he doesn't see why starting over can't involve being near a beach. That is the smartest goddamned thing Clark has ever said on this show. Can you tell how much I enjoy tropical locales? Clark says he feels a little guilty leaving his parents to run the farm alone. Funny, he sure doesn't look guilty when he says it. Chloe absent-mindedly says it would be hard for them to replace Clark, given his skills and all. Clark goes, "Skills?," and Chloe quickly finds an excuse to change the subject, calling after Lois. Chloe asks for a double cappuccino. Instead of biting her head off with a sarcastic remark, Lois agrees and goes to put money in the register. Uh...oh. Spaghetti-O! Lois says they've just been robbed. Very effective, Erica -- directing your line directly into a piece of machinery. The camera pans around to show Clark in profile. He glances to where the swinging door to the kitchen has just been used.
Cut to the back alley, daytime. Memor-X is scurrying over to his very snazzy yellow Ford truck. That's a cute little truck. Not a big Forge Compensator, as we're calling big killer trucks on a sketch in our upcoming show. This is a truck you and I could actually live with. You know, in Happy Land. We see him through the side mirror for no real good reason. He drives, really fast, down the alley. Then he brakes hard. There's a farmboy in the street. Move along! Mooooo! Memor-X looks scared. Clark comes around and opens the driver's-side door. Memor-X doesn't even try to come up with a lie. He just flashes Clark with the green beams of energy from his fingertips. This must be what they call a five-finger discount. Clark lurches back against a chain link fence, his face covered in memory eraser. The camera zooms forward, and we whoosh into Clark's brain. It's a lot less roomy than any of us could have expected. It would have been nice to slow this down, because I sure as hell ain't gonna do a frame-by-frame at this point, but some of the highlights included Lana in a cheerleading outfit (old dreams never die for Clark), Pete, Dr. Swann, something I swear was a cafeteria tray of chicken fingers, and a hot air balloon. Don't the contents of Clark's brain just make you want to change the channel already?
Chloe is looking at the camera. "Clark?" she asks, concerned. Chloe bends down to face a slumping Clark. "What happened?" she asks. "Who's Clark?" Clark asks. Very philosophical that. Who is Clark Kent, indeed? The answers to that and other probing questions will probably not be answered when we return from the opening credits and commercials to Smallville Science Hour Presents: Memory -- Biology's Cruelest Bitch.
Commercials. Kung Fu Hustle. Hell yeah! Go find a copy of Shaolin Soccer. Not the crappy Miramax U.S. release -- find a copy from Hong Kong with English subtitles. It's amazing.
Kent Farm, soggy daytime. Chloe's red Beetle convertible pulls up to the farm. Chloe stops the car and stares at Clark as he eyes his own house from the passenger side. They get out of the car, and Clark looks more lost than usual. Chloe -- desperately trying to win the Multi-Season All-Time Greatest Chloeavage award (the award ceremony is at my house; may the breast girl win) -- says it must be strange seeing, for the first time, the home where you grew up. Deep, Chloe. Very deep. She asks whether Clark recognizes the house, the cows, the tractor -- anything. Mmmm...that barn. It seems that very dirty things must have happened there. It emanates pure disco energy. Clark asks if Chloe's sure this is where he lives. Yeah, dude. Chloe tells him he spends most of his time in that smaller building. "In a barn," he says, incredulously. Chloe smiles and says that normal was never Clark's style. Neither was straight. Or narrow. Chloe smiles as she says that it was her attempt at humor, and that sometimes she crashes and burns. Clark doesn't remember humor. Clark walks slowly to the front door. He's about to knock but Chloe stops him, telling him that it's his house. "Right," he says glumly. He reaches for the doorknob. Jiggles it a little. Then pulls the door right the fuck off its hinges! Whoa! I can't believe Chloe didn't get decapitated there. The door sails down the steps and across the front yard. Clark sputters that the door was stuck as Chloe watches him with great humor. Chloe says she thinks it was merely locked. They walk inside.
On the fridge is a photo of Clark, Bo Duke, and MamaKent. Clark stares at it. Chloe calls for Clark's folks, but they're not around. Lois suddenly shows up in the front doorway. "What the hell happened to the door?" she asks, with the subtlety of a yak covered in stinkbugs. Clark starts to explain; Chloe interrupts him to say that some freak wind came and blew it right off when Clark opened it. O mighty wind! Lois goes, "Riiiight." But she buys it anyway. Chloe asks where the Kents are. Lois says they're in Metropolis for Bo's heart exam: "Clark, you know that," she admonishes. "Well, not so much," says Chloe. "He has amnesia." Oh yeah! Amnesia. Of course. Why not? Lois is like, "Again?" Clark asks what she means by "again." Lois comes and puts a hand on Clark's shoulder in mock concern. "Well," she says, "at least this time you've got clothes on." Chloe wants Clark's folks to come back home. Lois says that's going to be hard, because he's got a one-way ticket on the Ambien train and won't be out of it for a few days. Can't MamaKent come back home? Shouldn't someone call her and let her know her son has amnesia?
Lois asks what happened. Clark only remembers waking up in the alley with, uh... "Chloe," she reminds him. Chloe thinks Clark must have caught up with the guy who robbed the register and the guy erased his memory. Of course! That makes much more sense than the million other more plausible explanations. Lois coins the phrase "memory repo." It's no "mind-taking," I'll tell you that. Lois takes a big can of preserves out of the fridge and figures that must be why she zoned out eight coffee orders before she realized she'd been robbed. Chloe says she's going to The Torch to find out all she can about amnesia. Aw, just rent Memento. Lois suggests that Chloe leave "Mr. Memory Reboot" with her; she also says aggressively that Clark is going to have to deal with PB&J because that's the extent of her culinary skills. I've never heard someone offer a sandwich with more bitterness. Chloe moves to leave. Clark stops her with a hilarious "Daaaaahhhh," and then asks whether Lois is related to him. Chloe assures him that she's related to Lois; he is not. "You live with her," Chloe says. Wow, that's a hundred times worse. Lois tosses Clark a jar of peanut butter. He moves to open it, but Chloe stops him, lest he shatter it into a million CGI pieces. Chloe slides the PB back to Lois and tells her she's going to take Clark up to the barn (woooo!) to see if anything there jogs his memory. "We need to talk," Chloe tells Clark, dragging him off.
The Talon, daytime. Lana arrives home to find Jason in her apartment. He's smiling. Are they dating? What's the deal? And, more importantly, why do I care? Lana asks what's up with the Cheshire cat act. He got the smile from hanging out with the sheriff recently. He's holding a thick envelope he says is from Central Kansas. Now he's going through her mail? What the fuck, dude? He suggests that they go look at the dorms that weekend. Hasn't Lana already seen enough of the dorms from visiting Jason? Lana announces suddenly that she's thinking she may not go to Central Kansas: "I'm not even sure that I'm going to go to college at all." Jason: RUN! Again! So, let me get this straight. Lana is a girl who barely goes to school, bailed on cheerleading, bailed on running the coffee shop, bailed on going to art school in Paris, goes to prom with a dude other than her supposed boyfriend, lives alone in an apartment she could never afford on her own, and is so confident in her ability to succeed in life that she can afford to do without college? I keep trying to think of things they can do to make Lana appear to have even less personality than she already shows and the only thing that comes to mind is that they stuff her in a giant sack with "Potatoes" on it and hang her from The Talon's flagpole. But then she'd be decorative and would be making a statement, which is miles ahead of where her character is now.
Lana says she's given college a lot of thought. A lot of aimless, unambitious thought. Jason brings up the fact that they've had this plan in place for an entire year. He thought this was their chance to put everything behind them. You poor, deluded idiot. Jason says it'll be like Paris all over again. Do a Billy Crystal and forget Paris. "No," Lana says, as if she's talking to a very naughty three-year-old. They haven't been able to recreate that awesome summer in Paris in Kansas. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that one of those places is Paris and the other is Kansas. "Not with the stones, and your mom, and all of the lies," Lana spouts. Lieth, lieth, lieth! Thecrets! Theriouthly! Jason suddenly shifts gears, asking how long she's felt this way. He says that a person's feelings don't change like that overnight. "Yeah," Lana says. "Yeah," Jason responds, dickishly. Lana says that her feelings changed when their relationship turned into the one she was trying to leave behind. Jason jumps to saying this is about Clark. Lana, exasperated, says it's about them. She says there are too many secrets. They can't wipe the slate clean. She suggests that a chance like that only comes around once in a lifetime. A chance to...wipe the slate clean? Jason goes bitter. He follows Lana as she walks away, and grabs her arm, turning her roughly. He tells her that she was the one part of his life that made him forget what he'd turned into. A shifty, expendable character in a sinking primetime show? Lana, shaking, asks what he's talking about. "Just don't give up on me!" he tells her. You should sing it, like Sandy onThe O.C.! Lana whimpers. Jason says, "You have no idea how much I've been protecting you! Do you?" He releases her and goes to update his résumé before he's killed off the show. Lana, shaken up, watches him go. Yep. Central Kansas is definitely off the list.
Kent Farm. Clark is standing around as Chloe comes up behind him holding a huge crowbar. Now, I know things haven't exactly gone your way, Chloe, but this isn't the answer! He's not worth it! Put the crowbar down! Chloe hands Clark the crowbar instead of trying fruitlessly to beat him over the head with it. That might have actually been better; she could have tried beating the crap out of him without fear that he'd be hurt by it. "Bend this," she tells Clark. "This is metal, I can't bend this," Clark says in a businesslike monotone. Chloe says that's just like how he can't pull a door off its hinges. Clark takes the crowbar and bends it to an almost pretzel-like configuration. Chloe smiles. Clark is amazed. "How did I do that?" he asks. Chloe says, "Why did I always picture you on the other end of this conversation?" Chloe has Clark sit to her on some bales of hay as she gets serious and explains his powers. She tells him about the meteor shower and the "extraterrestrial" effect the meteor rocks have had on people in the town. Chloe says her theory is that Clark is one of those people. Clark asks if "extraterrestrial" means he's some sort of alien. "No, no, of course not," Chloe says. "Mutant?" Clark asks. Well... "Uh...yeah," Chloe agrees, after thinking about it for a bit. Chloe assures Clark that he's saved her life several times, and that he's become the town's self-appointed hero. "I think that that is amazing," she gushes. This show has gotten us all so beat down and weary that when you see her deliver that line with that amount of hope and wonder, you sort of remember why we loved this show to begin with. Clark is wide-eyed. He sighs, stands, and plays with his modern art crowbar sculpture. Clark says that they must have been pretty good friends for him to have trusted her with all this info. Taken off-guard, Chloe says that, actually, he didn't. Chloe says that Clark was just protecting himself from people who might betray him. Clark looks at her very seriously, squinting a bit. "You wouldn't. Would you?" he asks. Chloe shakes her head slightly and says very solemnly, "Never." Well, except for that one time when you did. Lingering close-ups. Chloe smiles a bit.
The Talon at night. Chloe is trying to recreate the moment of the robbery at the register while Clark, looking bored, asks why they don't just call the police. Chloe explains that they don't want Clark on the radar. Gaydar? Yes. Radar? No. Chloe asks Clark to look around. He does, not moving from where he's standing. He blinks a bit, and then suddenly uses his x-ray vision to stare at a plate of M&M-baked cookies. Oh, goddamn, those look good. I'd want to see through them, too. He asks Chloe if there's something there. He spotted something under a mat. Chloe goes to retrieve it. Chloe finds a card of some sort. She asks Clark how he did that. He sputters that he guesses he can see through things. Chloe closes the lapels of her coat as she asks if he can see through solid objects. He nods: "I guess that's one you didn't know about." Chloe says no, and suggests that he keep a lid on that one. Clark has a sudden epiphany: he says he doesn't know why he cared so much about keeping everything a secret and why he let it ruin his life. Chloe explains that not everybody is as progressive as his "post-amnesia tour guide." Chloe says my favorite line of the episode: "Look, I know how eager you are to throw an impromptu coming-out party." !!! My mind. It is blown. Yow. Call Lex! Let him cater it. Chloe tells Clark that she's only been keeping his secret for a few hours, and that it's already harder than she thought. She suggests that Clark sleep on it for a little while longer. Clark asks how anyone can ever get to know him if he's never himself. More importantly, how can he not be an asshole? Chloe tells him that if he kept his secret this long, he must have had a lifetime of reasons for not revealing it. Chloe says that's why they need to get his memory back. "Why? So I can go back to lying to everyone?" he asks. Truer words have never been spoken by our doofus hero who is suddenly much smarter. Clark says he's not sure he wants that life back. Chloe asks him to sleep on it, and to at least wait till his folks return.
Gratuitous Lana worship scene. Everybody got on their safety goggles? Gloves? Tongs? Aprons? Good. Let's proceed. Lana, wearing a skimpy little top, walks down the stairs as magical chimes play. Clark stares at her. The chimes continue. Chloe: "Clark?" He steps forward to continue his creepy staring. Lana stands in profile as she talks to someone over by the coffee machines. Clark blinks. His eyes go red. He opens his mouth as he eyejaculates some tiny red fireballs and then a shaft of orange light. He sets a lamp on fire, which nobody notices but Chloe. She throws water on what I hope is not an electrical circuit to put out the flames. There's smoke, but a smoke detector doesn't go off. "Premature combustion," she jokes. "That's one I didn't need to know about." Clark, oblivious, keeps walking forward, like a zombie. "Who is that?" Clark asks breathlessly. Lana is bathed in beatific light. I've always been a big David Lynch fan (bear with me here for a moment), and one of my favorite films ever is Blue Velvet. I once read an analysis of the movie suggesting that when Lynch bathes Laura Dern with angelic light when she's in a car with Kyle MacLachlan, talking about robins and a perfect world, that he's actually mocking her and her simplistic view of the world. I bring that up only to raise the slight possibility that all this Lana worship on the show might be a very elaborate snow job to deliver a jaw-dropping fate for her that would make all of the needless pedestal-raising of her character somehow a means to some sort of satisfying end. But then I am probably giving the show way, way too much credit. Chloe -- obviously hurt, and gulping between her words -- says, "That...is Lana Lang." Look, I know there are those who think Chloe should just get over Clark already and stop feeling hurt, but come on. She's spending all this time with him, guiding him through all this, and still she has to deal with this love-at-first-sight bullshit. I don't care who you are and how mature you're supposed to be (and let's not forget Chloe is still only supposed to be of high-school age): that's gotta hurt. Clark smiles goofily. Lana walks away. Chloe pulls back her lips. Looks at Clark. Looks back at Lana. She blinks, wounded. "The love of your life," she finishes. Clark is like, "Awesome!" Chloe looks at her friend again, and he doesn't notice the pain on her face.
Commercials. Olive Garden! They've got some white sauce thing going. I bet it tastes creamy.
The Barnness of...what was that again? Clark is staring at photos of Lana doing what she does best: standing around, smiling vacantly. I'm just glad they didn't insert a cheesy version of The Cure's "Pictures of You" into this scene. Clark is also looking at a crude drawing of the Caves of Contrivance, complete with cave symbols. So the Kryptonians are supposed to be so advanced that their written vocabulary consists of about five symbols? A big bug across the bottom of the screen announces Blue Collar TV. Is it the barn and the plaid that makes it fit here? Clark can't figure out the map, especially the part with an arrow pointing to the word "Door." He throws down his papers in frustration. Stupid, stupid papers! Lois appears at the top of the stairs. She tells Clark that another thing he doesn't seem to remember is how much he usually hides emotions like his current frustration. She says that she came to see how he was doing. She pulls up a chair, guessing that she already knows the answer to that. "My life is a complete void," Clark says. Well then, now you really are perfect for Lana. Lois calls Clark's mope-fest a pity party. Clark says that Chloe's been protecting him, and he figures there are lots of people he can't trust. Lois says that he should just go with his gut. Speaking of which...PB&J? Lois asks Clark what his gut says about her. Oh, Lord. Are you sure you really want to hear this? Because mine just gurgled, loudly. "We don't like each other very much," Clark guesses, smiling. Lois smiles and tells him he's on the right track. "Keep it up, Smallville," she tells him. She leaves without putting the chair she got for herself back where it was. It's the little things, Lois.
I think it's time for an alt-crap moment! Strummy rock plays as Clark looks at Lana's photo again. We cut to the high-school hallway. Clark finds Lana at her locker. In case you're wondering, the song lyrics talk about lies being the worst and how, in Clark's head, "There's only you now. The world falls on me." Oh Jesus Christ. For real? Lana notices Clark standing by her locker. She says she heard what happened, adding that she supposes he doesn't even know who she is. "Lana," he says. That stops her cold. Long, serious stares. Lana says she was going to come see Clark later. "I actually came here to see you," Clark says. Because going to school for the education is for chumps. Clark says that Chloe told him he and Lana used to, uh...wait for it. Fly fish together? Fire up ceramics? Change tires? Do the jitterbug? Lana says, "Yeah, we did," only guessing as to what he's referring to. "What happened?" Clark asks, sadly. He steps forward and says he really wants to know. "So would I," Lana whisper-talks. "It was me?" Clark oh-shits. Lana looks uncomfortable and hurt. Clark says he doesn't understand: "If I feel anywhere near like I feel now..." Clark stops himself. This scene has more stops and starts than a potato-sack race for narcoleptics. "Don't tell me. I don't want to know," he says. Wait...what? Didn't she just tell you she doesn't know why you broke up with her? More confidently, Clark says, "This time, it'll be different." Er, what? Oh, no no no no no, NO! Goddammit, NO! "'This time'?" Lana asks, tentatively. Lana hears a locker close and decides she doesn't want to talk about this now. "When can we talk about this?" Clark asks.
Down the hall, Chloe and Lois appear. What the hell is Lois doing at the school? She asks how Clark got there. They see Clark and Lana talking to each other. "Looks like the heart remembers more than the brain," Chloe surmises. They see Lana walk away, past Clark. They start to walk toward Clark. Lois warns Chloe not to give another thought to "those vacant baby blues." Chloe tells a shaken-up Clark that they tracked the card they found at The Talon; it's a day pass for Grand View Motocross Park. It belongs to a guy named Kevin Grady, a local dude. They decide to go check out his address. "Grady" is an awesome name, by the way. Just ask Fred Sanford.
House o' Grady. Memor-X is packing up belongings, including a photo of two teens. He's one of them. He looks pained. He grabs some food from a drawer. Who keeps their canned goods in drawers? A father figure emerges from the living room. The dad asks Memor-X what he's doing there. Memor-X apologizes and says, "I couldn't stay there any longer." His dad says he has to go back for his treatment. Memor-X says that the treatment isn't working. He knows they want to keep what he did to "Dylan" a secret, and to make him forget it, but he'll always know the truth. Memor-X tells his dad not to worry; he's got money and he'll be fine. He tells his dad that, after what he did, he can't expect his father to look at him every day. Awww. Poor little Kryptofreak. Dad wants to help. "You can't!" Memor-X says. "That place turned me into some kind of freak." Dad asks what he means. "This," Memor-X says and uses his green beams of finger forgetfulness to zap his father. There's a green flash. Dad is left standing in the kitchen alone.
There's someone at the door. MemoryDad goes to answer it. It's Lois and Clark. Lois, subtle as ever, says she's there to collect on the temporary line of credit and memories his son took out. The dad thinks they're mistaken. Clark shows the card they found at The Talon. Chloe walks up to the door; I guess she was parking or something. The dad says it's impossible, because his son is out of town. Chloe guesses it's because Memor-X is getting treatment at the Summerholt Institute. She says she noticed the parking pass on his windshield. MemoryDad says that's nobody else's business. Clark just wants to know what the son knows. The dad thinks about it. He gets stared down. "All right," he agrees. He tells them his son is a patient. He says that, last fall, he took his two boys hunting. There was an accident. Memor-X was loading his gun and accidentally shot his brother, Dylan. Damn. Clark says he's sorry. The dad says his son couldn't live with himself, so he was shipped to Summerholt to erase those memories and get on with his life. The dad excuses himself, saying he has to go find his son. He closes the door. Lois says immediately that it does tug at the heartstrings, but that she's not sure she buys the story. She goes off to snoop. Clark thinks really, really hard. It hurts. He says he can hear someone. Chloe is surprised at yet another super-Wheaties ability. Clark says that he hears someone running, then getting on a motorcycle. Chloe tells him to go get whoever it is: "Just run, Clark!" Run, Forrest, run! Clark superzips away. He follows Memor-X as he rides on his motorcycle, but Clark severely overshoots it. He runs and runs and runs and boom, he ends up in a field of cows. "Welcome," they say. "I think you're going to be very happy here. Moo."
Commercials. McDonald's is selling Philly cheesesteak subs. Surely Satan is somewhere smiling.
Stately Luthor Manor. Chloe and Clark enter through the double doors into Lex's lair. "I guess the whole castle thing didn't take off in the neighborhood?" Clark cracks. Clark says that he can't believe he's friends with a billionaire. Lex, wearing a tight black shirt, enters, saying that it never seemed to impress Clark much before. Clark's a Shania Twain kinda of boy. That stuff don't impress him much. Clark calls him "Mr. Luthor." Lex says it's "Lex," and that they dropped the formalities the day Lex knocked Clark off a bridge. Chloe wedges herself between the sexual and the tension to say that the icebreaker is nice, but that they really came to get Lex to give them a contact at Summerholt. She couldn't have called for that? Clark says he heard Lex had been treated there, and that they're hoping to find a kid who's undergone some experiments there. Lex says he'll make a few calls and see what he can find. Clark and Chloe start to leave. Lex stops them to ask Chloe if he could have a word with Clark, alone. Chloe says she promised his parents that she'd have Clark back home. "Well, I think I can manage that," Lex says, smoothly. Oh, he can definitely take Clark home tonight. Clark tells her it's fine; she can take a break from chaperoning. Chloe is like, "Uh oh. Sexy." Chloe exits, looking flustered. After she makes it past the doorway, she stops and whispers, "Clark. Be careful." Lex looks at Clark and says, "Clark, I think I might know something that might jog your memory." They call it "Mr. Happy," and it's never left anyone without a permanent set of memories. Lex is ready to make Clark remember everything. It's going to be so bad, it'll be good. It is the Gayest Look of the Episode.
Two flashing beams of light later...Clark and Lex are shining their long, cylindrical shafts of light in the Caves of Contrivance. "I found these caves?" Clark asks. Lex says that, ever since then, the two of them have been working together to solve its mysteries. Long, late hours. Cold, damp caves. Things happen, you know? It's only natural. Clark asks what the symbols mean. Lex says, "We think they're about you." Clark sees a part of the cave where, he says, a two-headed monster should be. Sure it's not a one-eyed monster? Clark says he recognizes the symbols from the drawings in his loft. "We were, uh, documenting them," Lex lies, badly. Clark points to a fissure in the cave and says, "This wall shouldn't be here." Clark reveals that, in his drawings, there's a room behind the wall in front of them. Lex suggests that they go back to the loft to take a closer look at the pictures. You know...candid picture? Nudge nudge? Lex says he can help explain them to Clark. Clark looks at Lex for a long time, judging. He decides he should get back home so that his parents don't worry. Lies! Isn't that where the loft is, too? Not a very smooth excuse there, Clark. Lex is like, "Fine! I didn't want to get sexed up today anyway."
Summerholt. Chloe has somehow broken through Security to get into the institute's industrial hallways. She snoops to conquer. As a doctor and assistant enter the incredibly dim hallway, Chloe dodges into a corner. She does little stealthy sexy girl moves as she sneaks around a records room. She goes to a waiting computer, skims through some CDs, and happens to find the record she's looking for. She pops it in to the very cute Shuttle PC on the desk. She emails the files on the CD to herself at chloetorch@thedigitalwave.com. Those are some pretty big video files to try to send over email. Chloe uses her cell phone to call Lois. She tells Lois to check her email. According to Network Solutions, "thedigitalwave.com" is based in Crystal Lake, Illinois and registered to a dude with an ibm.net email address. Someone suddenly grabs Chloe from behind, putting a hand on her mouth to stifle her scream.
The Torch. Clark walks in, bellowing for Chloe. He finds Lois there, instead. She shows Clark the files Chloe sent. Clark asks how Chloe got into Summerholt. Lois says she's learned never to underestimate Chloe, especially when it comes to her helping Clark. The not-at-all-incriminating video shows Memor-X strapped to some Draconian-looking equipment, sweating and begging someone to stop torturing him. He says he won't tell anyone what he knows. "I know it was an accident," he begs. "I know you didn't mean to!" Clark surmises that Memor-X didn't kill his brother. Lois guesses that whomever wiped his memories must have implanted new ones. Clark is mad, all of a sudden, that someone let Memor-X walk around thinking he killed his own brother. That is pretty fucked up. Clark is determined to find Memor-X. Lois asks where he plans to go for that. "Where his brother died seems a pretty good place to start," Clark says. It...does? Really? Because "the woods" seems like a pretty general place to go searching. But then, I'm not Super. ["You try your best." -- Wing Chun] Lois starts to say something, but Clark superzips out of there before she can finish. Some things never change, even with amnesia.
The woods. Memor-X is indeed re-living the worst moment of his life. The Blue Collar TV bug is back. Because it's about hunting? Memor-X's memory flashes back to the fateful hunting trip. We hear a rifle shot and see the brother falling down. Clark calls his name. Memor-X whips around, ready to strike, but Clark tells him it's all right. Clark wants to talk about Summerholt. Memor-X lowers his claw. Memor-X recognizes Clark and asks how he was remembered. Clark says he doesn't remember Memor-X, but knows that his memories were all wiped. "All of them?" Memor-X asks, seeming a little horrified. He says that everyone else's memory wipes are only for the last few minutes. "I guess I'm not like everyone else," Clark says. Nice explanation. Clark says he wants to talk about the accident. He asks if this is where it happened. Clark asks Memor-X to explain what went on that day.
Flashback to the hunting accident. Memor-X is loading his shotgun. He trips on a branch. The gun goes off. Clark asks if Memor-X has any real memories from that day. The trip. The blast. The brother falls. Memor-X shakes his head. Clark asks what's up. "I'm not sure," Memor-X says. "I've been trying to block the memories out." Clark suggests that someone may have blocked the memories out for him. Shotgun blast. Brother falls. Back and to the left. Clark presses him, asking whether he really remembers loading his gun, or if someone just told him that. Memor-X goes to his knees. Shotgun blast. Brother falls. Back and to the left. Holy shit! Lee Harvey Oswald did not act alone! Memor-X remembers that it was his father holding the smoking shotgun. He and the father both look horrified. Memor-X turns to Clark. "I didn't do it," he concludes. Clark gets down on his knees, too. Uh, oh. Watch out, Lex. "It was my dad," Memor-X says. "How could he do that to me?" Clark says he's sorry. Bummer, dude. Memor-X is near tears. He asks why Clark would go through all this trouble to help him. Clark has to think about that. "I guess I just know what it's like to lose a part of your life," he says. Tender moment. Memor-X says he wishes he could do something for Clark. Well, since you're down here...Memor-X says their only chance to get Clark's memories back would be to break into Summerholt. Clark thinks he can do that. Memor-X has tears in his eyes. Awww. Nice Kryptofreak.
Commercials. Damn, but Kingdom of Heaven looks good. You go, Ridley Scott.
Summerholt lobby. Lois is yelling at a receptionist that one of their patients robbed her and plucked "the last forget-me-not petal" from her friend's brain. All together now: huh!? Lois threatens that the receptionist can lead her to the back with or without handcuffs. It's just then that Sheriff Cheshire, whom the camera has been tracking as she walked toward Lois and the receptionist, gets to the counter. The receptionist asks Lois to sign in. Lois, who brakes for no sign-in sheet, tells the apparently dim lady that the last time she spoke to her cousin, Chloe was here in the building: "I'm sure the psycho is holding her back there somewhere." The receptionist doesn't think she knows of any psychos in the area. Cheshire speaks. "Ms. Lane," she says. Then she turns to the receptionist and says that she's sure the receptionist is paid enough to be rude, but probably not paid enough to spend time in the county jail. Wait, what county? The sheriff of Smallville has jurisdiction over someone in Metropolis? (Summerholt is in Metropolis, isn't it?) The receptionist considers. Lois smiles rudely.
All right. I just had a giant sangria swirl at Abuelo's, a Mexican restaurant, and I'm feeling mighty fine, so, uh, let's just see how these few paragraphs go.
Clark opens up a huge metal shaft at the top of the Summerholt building. Memor-X is with him. "Wait, wasn't that locked?" Memor-X asks. "I think it was broken," Clark says lamely. Aw, Clark. You're so clever all the time, fooling people. I love you, man! Clark and Memor-X climb down a handy ladder. Memor-X says they should be able to find the main lab from here. Clark suddenly leans against the wall as something tingles him. Clark goes all weak in the knees. Memor-X comes to help him, asking if he's all right. He's certainly the most courteous Kryptofreak we've encountered. Clark tells Memor-X to go on ahead; he'll catch up. By crawling. Clark spots the source of his troubles -- what look like a bunch of Mason jars full of Kryptonite preserves. Mmm mmm good.
An evil lab. Chloe is strapped into the foul memory-altering machinery. MemoryDad, in a lab coat, tells Chloe he wishes he could erase her memories from just the last three days. Sadly, he can't take that chance. Memory-erasing is cool. Woooo! Memory paaaarty! Chloe tells Mr. Grady not to do that. Grady! You big dummy! Heh. I love that one. MemoryDad says he's doing Chloe a favor; he asks if she knows how much easier life would be if you could erase the memories that haunt us. Hey, Doc. Do you have a setting for "Erase Season 4?" Chloe, strapped in and chin-guarded, is not looking forward to this. MemoryDad starts the procedure. A bunch of lights around the room start flashing. Sci-fi noises play. Hey, is that the Sword of Damocles hanging over her head? And I've got the feelin' someone's gonna be cuttin' the thread! Just then, Memor-X busts in, grabbing his dad by the lab coat and asking if he was going to be lied to his whole life. "To make me think I killed my own brother!" Memor-X growls. MemoryDad says the kid is just having a bad reaction to his treatment. React this, old man! MemoryDad says that no one regrets what happened more than him. Memor-X dives at his dad, but misses and lands on a tray of equipment. Chloe's like, "Nice tackle, jackass."
Clark in the lair of bad jam. If only Lois were here...with her...peanut butter and bread! Clark somehow finds a rope tied to the shelf holding the Kryptonite jars and laced up right to him. He pulls the rope and knocks down the shelves, sending the jars crashing. Wouldn't they splash all over him? Oh well. I'm tipsy, so who gives a fuck? Clark gets up and makes it out of the room. Hey, where's the memory card save point around here?
MemoryDad's very naughty lab. Chloe is still about to get her memory worked on. A beam of green light hits Chloe. She writhes. We look over to a video monitor. Yup. Still writhing. An even brighter beam of light tries to hit Chloe, but Clark has stuck his big, dumb head over her to block it. The beam bounces to other parts of the room, but also downloads Clark's memory back. What the fuck ever, dudes. Chloe's eyes are blank. The energy overload somehow makes these two large electrical columns fall right toward Clark. A blast hits MemoryDad. Science! Clark holds up the two falling columns. Lois and Sheriff Cheshire come into the room, marveling at Clark's strength. Memor-X gets up from the floor. Lois: "Wow." Cheshire: "Dear God in heaven." Omar: "He carries the Charles Atlas Seal of Approval!" Clark pushes the two columns out and away from him. They crash. "Lois. Sheriff," Clark greets. "Guess I shouldn't call you 'Smallville' anymore," Lois says. Memor-X thinks about it for a second, and then blasts Lois and Sheriff Cheshire with memory juice. Their hair flies back humorously. Cheshire looks like she's being computer-modeled for The Swan. Memor-X blasts Chloe, too. My God, he's mad with power! Somebody stop him! Memor-X gives Clark a little friendly nod, and then goes on his way. Lois asks Clark if he's going to stand there all day, or if he's going to untie Chloe. Shouldn't she be wondering how she got here? Chloe thanks Clark and Lois for untying her.
We cut to the Summerholt exterior, only to cut right back inside. MemoryDad is being led away in cuffs. Sheriff Cheshire is questioning Lois and Chloe. The camera keeps moving to show Clark spotting Memor-X as he's skulking about a little way down the hall. Memor-X walks away. Clark follows. Clark remembers pulling Memor-X out of his car after the robbery, but nothing else until what just happened in the lab. Memor-X apologizes and says that's kind of his fault. Reboot, motherfuckers! Clark says he doesn't know what happened, but he kind of feels like he owes this guy one. Oh come on, Clark. Everyone knows you can't eat just one. Memor-X prefers to think that now they're even. Clark thinks he should stop Memor-X from leaving. Memor-X says it's better if people don't ask too many questions about him. Memor-X smiles and thanks Clark for "the chance at a clean slate." They shake hands. Memor-X leaves Clark in the hallway. Commercials.
Kent Farm, daytime. The cows miss hanging with Clark. Lex's silver car is parked just outside the barn door. Clark approaches as Lex is exiting the barn. "Clark! I was just looking for you," Lex says. "Congratulations. I heard you got full retrieval." Clark looks very serious. He says he got everything. Lex looks worried. "Everything except the last twenty-four hours," Clark corrects. Lex says he wanted to come over and make sure the old Clark was back. Lex starts walking to his car, but Clark stops him. He says he heard Lex wanted to talk to him back at the mansion. He asks what Lex wanted to talk about. Lex turns, then lies: "I just told you about my own memory loss. I thought it might be comforting." Clark looks at Lex accusingly. He says he's lucky to have so many friends looking out for him. "Nothing you wouldn't have done for me, Clark," Lex says. He gets in his car and drives off, giving Clark a last look as he goes. Lex's rear license plate is, "LEX XL." Oh. My. Is it inches or girth, Lex? Clark looks worried. Why didn't he remember why he liked the phrase "XL" so much?
Lair of Lex. Funky techno-sounding music is playing. A fireplace roars. Lex removes a folded piece of paper from his pocket. It's a map from Clark's loft. Couldn't Lex have taken a portable scanner instead of stealing it outright? You may be XL, but you disappoint me, Lex. The camera pulls out for a wide shot of Lex's domain. It's XL.
Kent porch at night. The music still plays. Lana walks up the porch steps. Clark comes outside to meet her. "I'm early, I know, I'm sorry," she says. They walk to the side of the porch. Lana shifts. She says she's nervous. Clark asks why. "Were we supposed to do something?" he asks. Lana's eyes widen. Clark explains that he doesn't remember anything from the last day. Lana: "Oh." She asks if he remembers everything else. Clark thinks very, very hard. He asks if their plans were, like, "date kind of plans." Because, Clark asks, "what about Jason?" Lana considers. She says that Clark just wanted to talk, but that it can wait until later. She walks off. Clark tells her to wait. "I can't do this," he says. "I can't let you walk out. Not again." Lana tells him it's fine: "We both know better than this." As do all of us. Clark says that's all right: "That's why this time will be different." Lana is touched. "'This time'?" she asks for the second time. Clark smiles and raises his eyebrows a little. Lana looks hopeful. Now, I know you all want me to completely tear this scene apart. Maybe it's the sangria swirl talking, but I thought this scene was a little bit sweet. And yes, they did do some acting here. And it sort of worked. You all know how I feel about Lana, but I did not hate this scene. Even if it puts us back to around Season 2 in terms of character development. Of course, if I throw up later, I'm going to blame it on this, not on the swirl.
Smallville High. That's one damn long transition song. In the offices of The Torch, Chloe is tapping away at a computer. The screen has a front-page headline: "Summerholt Memory Lane Shut Down." There's a big photo of MemoryDad. Clark enters. "Are you Chloe?" he asks. She looks startled. He's kidding. "Funny," says Chloe. "It's not hilarious, but it's funny." Clark heard from his parents that Chloe "Clark-sat" until they got back from Metropolis. He thanks her. Chloe says he could use some help with his comedy routine, but that she didn't exactly help him eat solid foods again. I would have loved to have recapped that. Clark says it must have been hard having a zombie best friend walking around. Oh, now you're best friends? Chloe says she never realized how complicated that zombie's life was. Clark tries to play off his worry, but it still shows. "'Complicated,'" he repeats. "Did I do something unusual?" Nice acting job here, by the way. Tom Welling finally looks engaged by an episode. Chloe says that he had a clean slate to start all over again, and that he made all the same choices, except for one. Clark smiles. "Chloe, I need you to be completely honest with me," he says. Chloe smiles at the irony. "Honest, huh?" she says, stepping forward with a sparkle in her eye. "What'd I do?" Clark asks. "You trusted me," she says right to his face. She walks away, leaving Clark to chew on that for a while.
week: ripped from the headlines! Of my nightmares! Clark and Lana find a baby in a crater. This should be...what's the word? Not fun, but...oh yeah: fucked-up.