This episode was called "After the Prom" by the WB, but as near as I can tell, there was no "After" anything. Were they talking about Jack & Bobby? Your local news broadcast? Did the promo department even watch the episode? Magic 8-Ball says, "My Reply is No."
We do indeed open on the prom. The strummy, crappy strains of Lifehouse are playing. Sadly, there's no life in this house. The camera cranes down on people dancing. The lead singer/guitarist on stage is thinking, "If we play our cards right, in a few years we could be as big as Remy Zero! Look what appearing onSmallville did for them!" The Big Banner Committee has outdone itself with "Smallville High Prom: Look to the Stars," a banner creation featuring drawn-on stars and a cursive font I shall dub "Laverne Serif." The people on the dance floor look very confused. Do we dance slow to this? Or weave side to side? Breakdance? Some people look like they're trying to do all three at once. The singer, sporting a dark sports jacket over a t-shirt, sings about how memories can't be erased, and he knows because he tried. It turned out that Eternal Sunshine movie was only fiction.
As the song continues playing, we see someone's feet as they clomp down a high-school hallway. The feet are wearing high heels. Cut back to the singer. Oh, he knows of pain. He feels you, y'all. He knows what it's like to be unloved and unspoiled by the touch of groupies every single night on tour. Hell, that was his life for almost a whole three months out of high school. Cut back to the girl in heels. She's wearing a strapless dress. We see her from behind as she whacks a fist into a fire safety glass case to retrieve an ax. Do schools really keep axes on display like that under breakaway glass? Lifehouse remind us that time is passing by. Thank you for that, Lifehouse. I'll be more careful with my electronic planner. The girl in the gown continues walking down the hallway, toting her newly acquired ax. Lifehouse Guy, wielding his own musical ax, says it's just time to move on. And we shall. Cut back to the ax girl, who is wearing a pretty tiara in her blonde hair. Lifehouse Guy, back on camera, hopes whomever he's singing to lands on their feet and finds a way back to him. This guy is practically Bob Dylan. I've never heard sentiments like these in a pop song before!
The song is still playing in the background as Bo Duke walks up the school stairs. He's looking quite snazzy in a suit. He looks at some of the posters on the wall as he goes. He stops at the top of the stairs and is surprised to see Chloe, wielding the ax. She cracks him across the face with the handle, and Bo falls down the stairs. Shouldn't he be hobbling in the first place, since he was shot in the leg last week? That fall looked painful, too. But back to the strummy-strummy. Lifehouse Guy is singing lyrics I can't hear anymore because my Trite-o-Meter went into Protect and Encrypt mode. Thank you, Trite-o-Meter. You've saved my brain yet again.
“ Chloe says that homecoming is for jocks, graduation is for parents, and prom is for 'the rest of us.' The 'rest of us' that includes gay teens, single teens, pregnant teens, and the dance- challenged? Thanks for abandoning us, Chloe. I, as a former pregnant teen mom, am officially offended. ”
Chloe, with running mascara and an ax to grind (ha, I totally just made that up; did you like it?), walks into the school's boiler room. Watch out for Freddy Krueger! The camera swoops and explores as Chloe rounds a corner and goes straight toward the furnace. She sees a sign that reads, "Flammable." It's got a Half-Life-looking valve. She picks up her ax and swings at the pipe. It pours out black oil. Texas tea, we call it. But really, even we Texans prefer Lipton. Chloe tosses the ax aside, brushes off her hands, and goes toward the furnace. She opens the unlocked furnace door and says, "You're all going to pay." Chloe picks up a mop, swings it into the furnace, and sets it alight. The janitor -- never one for safety -- was mopping the floors with kerosene. The mop is on fire. "Now that's what I call a torch," Chloe says, grinning. Gah. That's what I call a crappy line. She rears back, and then tosses the flaming mop towart the spilled oil. "Genius!" Chloe says. Is it? Is it really? It's no Theory of Relativity, I tell ya whut. Opening credits.
Commercials. Ice Cube is XXX. I thought that was Snoop Dogg with the Girls Gone Wild thing. Also, how many times have I seen that Edge gel "Francesco!" commercial with the horny foreign girl? Don't they cycle these things out after a few months?
A title card reads, "One Day Earlier." Ah, I see now. The promo department meant to say, "Before the Prom" as the tag for this episode. High-school hallway. Alternacrap music plays as the banner committee works on that "Look to the Stars" banner and...hey, why are they working on it when it's already hung up? Shouldn't you be painting that on the ground? So that's their secret! Hang first, paint later. It's so crazy it just...might...work. Chloe and Lana are walking down the stairs. Lana is reading an article from The Torch, written by Chloe. It talks about the election of prom royalty being an archaic ritual whose time has come and gone. They still elect prom royalty? Lana says that Chloe has struck again. Well, what do you want? She's been struck upon for four seasons now. Chloe hopes she didn't lose Lana to the TRL crowd, too. Lana says, not inaccurately, that prom rituals seem harmless compared to Chloe's usual targets. Chloe, very inaccurately, says that homecoming is for jocks, graduation is for parents, and prom is for "the rest of us." You mean the "rest of us" that includes gay teens, single teens, pregnant teens, and the dance-challenged? Thanks for abandoning us, Chloe. I, as a former pregnant teen mom, am officially offended. Chloe says it's the pinnacle of four years of memories; why, she asks, should it be ruined by the epitome of a popularity contest? What else are the popular kids gonna have after this? Running car dealerships and raising five kids (four within wedlock)?
Lana asks if she should order more pizza for the "Brat Pitt marathon." There's so much, so so much, wrong with that line of dialogue that I'm just going to let it stand. Truth be told, I'm afraid to go near it. Boy, those crazy teens sure do love that sexy Brad Pitt, don't they? Chloe is hearing for the first time here that Lana's not going to prom: "What about Jason?" Lana says that an entrance with the coach who was fired for dating a student is an entrance she'd like to avoid. Right on. I won't quibble with that one. Lana says that after four years of imagining something, there's no way it'll live up to our expectations anyway. Wow. Whomever takes Lana's virginity can go ahead and slack away when the time comes. Chloe says that's not the Lana she knows. The whiny, annoying one who has about as much personality as a meteor rock? Which Lana do you know, Chloe? As Lana squints repeatedly, Chloe tells her that, oh my God, it's gonna be SO fun! Chloe says that Lex got the band Lifehouse to play for the seniors. All the juniors attending will be required to wear earplugs and bring their own iPods. Chloe asks Lana to help her bring stag back in style. You should just go...together. I'll drive! I went stag to my junior prom, by the way. A whole bunch of us were in a play together and we all fell in love with each other (it didn't last), so we did this big group party thing. It ruled. There were no crazy body switchers at my prom, though, so maybe I'm a little biased.
A Poor Man's Paris Hilton (PMP) suddenly enters the scene wearing very pointy shoes and a pink blazer. She announces, as she and her entourage walk through the hall, that she's coming through. Girls with low self-esteem stand aside. PMP goes straight to Chloe to tell her off. She starts, "Chloe!," and accuses her of publishing a disgusting dis of prom tradition in her tabloid rag. One of PMP's sidekicks gives Chloe and Lana a "So there," look. Chloe tells PMP, whose real name is Dawn, to lighten up. Chloe says that PMP will get her prom crown because everyone in school is terrified of her rumor mill. PMP scoffs and says, "Kill me now! You are such a hypocrat!" Chloe has to keep herself from laughing at the malapropism. Lana doesn't even try to stifle hers. Chloe snarks that whatever Poor Man's Paris is saying to her is getting lost in translation. PMP tells Chloe not to play stupid; she says that the only reason Chloe's picture is up on the wall is because of the article. Chloe is like, "Who? Wha?" Everyone looks. There's a poster on the wall that reads, "Nominees For Prom Queen." Chloe's name and photo are up there, to Dawn Stiles and some girl we'll never meet named Paige Dejong. So long, Dejong. Lana is loving Chloe's discomfort. Nice friend, ass. PMP tells Chloe "may the best girl win," and adds that they know who that is. "Laters!" she announces, and spins off. Her sidekicks follow. Lana really overdoes a line where she jokes that she must not be the only one who read Chloe's article. "Your highness!" she adds, bowing. It is at this point that victims of the tsunami in Asia are like, "Hey, we're doing a lot better now -- thanks for the donations. But could you guys over there do something about Lana? It's really bumming us out." Lana wishes Chloe luck, and leaves her there, stunned, in the hallway. One last look at the poster. Vote Dejong!