It's prom season in Smallville and nobody wants to go. Chloe, Clark and Lana have all decided to sit it out because of their respective dating situations (Chloe and Clark aren't dating anyone, even though Clark could have used "My wife was hanged" as a pretty great excuse not to go; Lana doesn't want to take Jason). But there's a Mean Girls-esque girl named Dawn who does want to go, and when she's in a car accident and thrown out of her car into a pumpkin patch of Kryptonite, her disembodied spirit can swap bodies at will. Yes, like that Denzel Washington movie. She possesses MamaKent, Lana, Lois, Chloe, and even Clark on an unholy mission to be prom queen. She almost gets there, too, in the body of Chloe, who is surprisingly elected prom queen; but when she discovers that the students weren't voting against Dawn ironically, she freaks out and tries to burn the school down. Clark stops Dawn-in-Chloe's-body before being possessed himself and uttering the great line, "The crown's mine, bitch!" and smacking Chloe. Ow! Not cool, Clark! Bo Duke uses Kryptonite to exorcise the girl out of Clark's body and everyone goes back to pretending Bo wasn't recently shot or that this season hasn't been a total freakin' bummer.
Lois the Enhanced is asked to dance by Clark after ending up at the prom. But instead of saying, "Hey, give Chloe a pity dance," she directs Clark to dance with Lana, who just walked in looking preternatural for the occasion. She and Clark dance while the band Lifehouse serenade Lana on behalf of Al and Miles. Jason, who was there when the body of poor Margot Kidder was found on Lex's estate earlier in the episode, sees this dance and gets angry. Which fits with the plot twist that he's now evil and conspiring with his mom against Lex. Good for him! Chloe is told by Lois that she'll soon be free of all this horrible treatment she's suffered. I'm not so optimistic about her chances.
This episode was called "After the Prom" by the WB, but as near as I can tell, there was no "After" anything. Were they talking about Jack & Bobby? Your local news broadcast? Did the promo department even watch the episode? Magic 8-Ball says, "My Reply is No."
We do indeed open on the prom. The strummy, crappy strains of Lifehouse are playing. Sadly, there's no life in this house. The camera cranes down on people dancing. The lead singer/guitarist on stage is thinking, "If we play our cards right, in a few years we could be as big as Remy Zero! Look what appearing onSmallville did for them!" The Big Banner Committee has outdone itself with "Smallville High Prom: Look to the Stars," a banner creation featuring drawn-on stars and a cursive font I shall dub "Laverne Serif." The people on the dance floor look very confused. Do we dance slow to this? Or weave side to side? Breakdance? Some people look like they're trying to do all three at once. The singer, sporting a dark sports jacket over a t-shirt, sings about how memories can't be erased, and he knows because he tried. It turned out that Eternal Sunshine movie was only fiction.
As the song continues playing, we see someone's feet as they clomp down a high-school hallway. The feet are wearing high heels. Cut back to the singer. Oh, he knows of pain. He feels you, y'all. He knows what it's like to be unloved and unspoiled by the touch of groupies every single night on tour. Hell, that was his life for almost a whole three months out of high school. Cut back to the girl in heels. She's wearing a strapless dress. We see her from behind as she whacks a fist into a fire safety glass case to retrieve an ax. Do schools really keep axes on display like that under breakaway glass? Lifehouse remind us that time is passing by. Thank you for that, Lifehouse. I'll be more careful with my electronic planner. The girl in the gown continues walking down the hallway, toting her newly acquired ax. Lifehouse Guy, wielding his own musical ax, says it's just time to move on. And we shall. Cut back to the ax girl, who is wearing a pretty tiara in her blonde hair. Lifehouse Guy, back on camera, hopes whomever he's singing to lands on their feet and finds a way back to him. This guy is practically Bob Dylan. I've never heard sentiments like these in a pop song before!
The song is still playing in the background as Bo Duke walks up the school stairs. He's looking quite snazzy in a suit. He looks at some of the posters on the wall as he goes. He stops at the top of the stairs and is surprised to see Chloe, wielding the ax. She cracks him across the face with the handle, and Bo falls down the stairs. Shouldn't he be hobbling in the first place, since he was shot in the leg last week? That fall looked painful, too. But back to the strummy-strummy. Lifehouse Guy is singing lyrics I can't hear anymore because my Trite-o-Meter went into Protect and Encrypt mode. Thank you, Trite-o-Meter. You've saved my brain yet again.
Chloe, with running mascara and an ax to grind (ha, I totally just made that up; did you like it?), walks into the school's boiler room. Watch out for Freddy Krueger! The camera swoops and explores as Chloe rounds a corner and goes straight toward the furnace. She sees a sign that reads, "Flammable." It's got a Half-Life-looking valve. She picks up her ax and swings at the pipe. It pours out black oil. Texas tea, we call it. But really, even we Texans prefer Lipton. Chloe tosses the ax aside, brushes off her hands, and goes toward the furnace. She opens the unlocked furnace door and says, "You're all going to pay." Chloe picks up a mop, swings it into the furnace, and sets it alight. The janitor -- never one for safety -- was mopping the floors with kerosene. The mop is on fire. "Now that's what I call a torch," Chloe says, grinning. Gah. That's what I call a crappy line. She rears back, and then tosses the flaming mop towart the spilled oil. "Genius!" Chloe says. Is it? Is it really? It's no Theory of Relativity, I tell ya whut. Opening credits.
Commercials. Ice Cube is XXX. I thought that was Snoop Dogg with the Girls Gone Wild thing. Also, how many times have I seen that Edge gel "Francesco!" commercial with the horny foreign girl? Don't they cycle these things out after a few months?
A title card reads, "One Day Earlier." Ah, I see now. The promo department meant to say, "Before the Prom" as the tag for this episode. High-school hallway. Alternacrap music plays as the banner committee works on that "Look to the Stars" banner and...hey, why are they working on it when it's already hung up? Shouldn't you be painting that on the ground? So that's their secret! Hang first, paint later. It's so crazy it just...might...work. Chloe and Lana are walking down the stairs. Lana is reading an article from The Torch, written by Chloe. It talks about the election of prom royalty being an archaic ritual whose time has come and gone. They still elect prom royalty? Lana says that Chloe has struck again. Well, what do you want? She's been struck upon for four seasons now. Chloe hopes she didn't lose Lana to the TRL crowd, too. Lana says, not inaccurately, that prom rituals seem harmless compared to Chloe's usual targets. Chloe, very inaccurately, says that homecoming is for jocks, graduation is for parents, and prom is for "the rest of us." You mean the "rest of us" that includes gay teens, single teens, pregnant teens, and the dance-challenged? Thanks for abandoning us, Chloe. I, as a former pregnant teen mom, am officially offended. Chloe says it's the pinnacle of four years of memories; why, she asks, should it be ruined by the epitome of a popularity contest? What else are the popular kids gonna have after this? Running car dealerships and raising five kids (four within wedlock)?
Lana asks if she should order more pizza for the "Brat Pitt marathon." There's so much, so so much, wrong with that line of dialogue that I'm just going to let it stand. Truth be told, I'm afraid to go near it. Boy, those crazy teens sure do love that sexy Brad Pitt, don't they? Chloe is hearing for the first time here that Lana's not going to prom: "What about Jason?" Lana says that an entrance with the coach who was fired for dating a student is an entrance she'd like to avoid. Right on. I won't quibble with that one. Lana says that after four years of imagining something, there's no way it'll live up to our expectations anyway. Wow. Whomever takes Lana's virginity can go ahead and slack away when the time comes. Chloe says that's not the Lana she knows. The whiny, annoying one who has about as much personality as a meteor rock? Which Lana do you know, Chloe? As Lana squints repeatedly, Chloe tells her that, oh my God, it's gonna be SO fun! Chloe says that Lex got the band Lifehouse to play for the seniors. All the juniors attending will be required to wear earplugs and bring their own iPods. Chloe asks Lana to help her bring stag back in style. You should just go...together. I'll drive! I went stag to my junior prom, by the way. A whole bunch of us were in a play together and we all fell in love with each other (it didn't last), so we did this big group party thing. It ruled. There were no crazy body switchers at my prom, though, so maybe I'm a little biased.
A Poor Man's Paris Hilton (PMP) suddenly enters the scene wearing very pointy shoes and a pink blazer. She announces, as she and her entourage walk through the hall, that she's coming through. Girls with low self-esteem stand aside. PMP goes straight to Chloe to tell her off. She starts, "Chloe!," and accuses her of publishing a disgusting dis of prom tradition in her tabloid rag. One of PMP's sidekicks gives Chloe and Lana a "So there," look. Chloe tells PMP, whose real name is Dawn, to lighten up. Chloe says that PMP will get her prom crown because everyone in school is terrified of her rumor mill. PMP scoffs and says, "Kill me now! You are such a hypocrat!" Chloe has to keep herself from laughing at the malapropism. Lana doesn't even try to stifle hers. Chloe snarks that whatever Poor Man's Paris is saying to her is getting lost in translation. PMP tells Chloe not to play stupid; she says that the only reason Chloe's picture is up on the wall is because of the article. Chloe is like, "Who? Wha?" Everyone looks. There's a poster on the wall that reads, "Nominees For Prom Queen." Chloe's name and photo are up there, to Dawn Stiles and some girl we'll never meet named Paige Dejong. So long, Dejong. Lana is loving Chloe's discomfort. Nice friend, ass. PMP tells Chloe "may the best girl win," and adds that they know who that is. "Laters!" she announces, and spins off. Her sidekicks follow. Lana really overdoes a line where she jokes that she must not be the only one who read Chloe's article. "Your highness!" she adds, bowing. It is at this point that victims of the tsunami in Asia are like, "Hey, we're doing a lot better now -- thanks for the donations. But could you guys over there do something about Lana? It's really bumming us out." Lana wishes Chloe luck, and leaves her there, stunned, in the hallway. One last look at the poster. Vote Dejong!
It's autumn all of a sudden. We're outside somewhere on some outdoor grounds. Lex, in a trenchcoat, is being led to the scene of something. "Who found her?" he asks. A lackey tells him that a gardener found a body while digging a drainage ditch. Lex hesitates, then steps forward. He crouches. "How long has she been dead?" he asks. "At least a day," says the lackey. A foot and a high-heeled shoe are sticking out of the ground. They can tell the time of death from a foot that hasn't yet been taken out of the ground? I really gotta catch up on my C.S.I. "Lex? Oh my God!" someone says. It's Jason, who just conveniently showed up without being held back by the two guys behind him that are supposed to be guarding Lex. Lex asks Jason what he's doing there. Jason says he came to talk about some reports, but saw security folks running out of the mansion. Lackey Leader tells Lex they found something and now have a positive ID. It's a woman's wallet. Lex finds a New York state driver's license. Holy crap, it's Margot Kidder! Now, I ask you this. Of all the ways they could have killed off her character, was sticking her in the dirt with a foot sticking out the nicest way to do it? That beef she and the producers had with each other must have gotten pretty ugly. Lex mentions her name. Jason gets excited, saying he's heard the name before in his research. He says she works for the billionaire Virgil Swann. He fails to mention that Swann himself died a while back. Lex tries to brush Jason off, but he insists that if this has anything to do with the Gay Stones of Knowledge, that it's his business, too. Lex asks his thugs to escort Jason back to his car. Jason looks at Lex all sad and puppy-dog-eyed. For lack of any competition, it's the Gayest Look of the Episode. It's not even a full-on gay look. It's more like a mini gaylet.
The Torch. Clark is sitting at a desk reading Chloe's front-page editorial (sigh...) "Boycott the vote!" Chloe walks in to the office and Clark asks her if he should bow to her. He's been sharing jokes with Lana -- always a bad, bad sign. Chloe says that's cute; she asks what about "Boycott the vote!" people don't understand. Clark says that people get it; Chloe is the boycott vote. Clark, suddenly a deep thinker, says that for the last four years, everyone's been trying to break out of their stereotypes; Chloe is the battle cry. No, Chloe is just the cry; she cries because this show keeps kicking her in the mouth for being smart. Chloe gets it; she calls it a prom coup. She asks, smiling, if Clark had anything to do with this. Clark says he may have spoken to a few people. Clark raises his newspaper as Chloe flings a pencil at him. It's awfully adorable. She tells Clark she's not storming the Bastille alone. She asks whom Smallville's most eligible bachelor is taking to prom. She's talking about Clark? My God, she is! Clark, suddenly serious, says he's thinking of sitting this one out. He gets up to find a better camera angle. "Whaaaat? Not you too!" Chloe whines. Chloe repeats Lana's bullshit about the prom not living up to four years of expectations, and asks if that's why he's not going. "Uh, something like that," Clark says. Chloe gets annoyed that she's going to break out of her rut onstage "with a sash" while Clark is at home yet again. Clark tells her he didn't say she was in a rut. Chloe says that she is, though, and she's not alone. She says that in a few weeks, they'll graduate from this "adolescent fantasy," and that they won't have a rut to fall back on. I guess they are graduating, huh? Nice to finally mention that. Chloe speechifies that expectations are supposed to drive you to do more with your life, not stop you from living it. Chloe, who has the clearest eyes I've seen in a while, tells Clark that the future holds a lot more promise for him than he gives it credit. Not a future to six seasons, of course, but maybe a solid Season 5. Clark absorbs all that and thinks, "Buh."
The Talon. PMP and her sidechicks are making a list of activities for the prom. It's tanning, nails, hair, then the limo picks them up. They're jotting their schedule down in notepads. Shouldn't these girls be hooked up on Palm Pilots or Blackberrys or something? The paper planners seem a little old school for the pampered modern high-school girl, no? One of the Heathers says PMP should be a little more worried about "12 o'clock." PMP says they don't have to start that early, but the girl was talking about direction, not time. "Is that your boyfriend crushing on a freshman?" asks the "Friend." PMP is annoyed to see that her boyfriend, who is wearing a letter jacket, is indeed macking on a young lass at the counter. "She is so not making pep squad," PMP threatens. PMP's got really dark circles under her eyes. Are we sure she's in high school? Now, whatever you might think of the character of Poor Man's Paris, just try to feel a bit of sympathy for the actress that has to say the following bit of dialogue with a straight face: "First off, Wonderbra, laters!" That's actual dialogue someone was paid to write for the WB series Smallville now in its fourth season. I bet you're better at whatever job you do, dear reader. The girl at the counter accepts the moniker "Wonderbra" at face value and makes herself scarce, leaving PMP with her boyfriend. Almost, but not quite as bad, is PMP's line: "The Talon? Hi, can you say mortified?" She whines that prom is only twenty-seven hours away. "Yeah, about that," says Young Butt Affleck. He tells her that he's not going. Furthermore, it's over. Again, not to create sympathy for an obviously cookie-cutter Heather character, but breaking up with someone the day before prom when it obviously means everything to her is pretty shitty, too. Butt Affleck says it should have been over a long time ago, and that he's not going to stand around being a bowtie that matches her dress. He obviously hasn't heard about what usually happens after prom. He could have been the cockring, too. PMP tells him he can't break up with her the day before prom. "It's over," he says simply, and walks away. Hey, wait up, Wonderbra! PMP's friends tell her that she's been treated harshly. PMP says that her ex was "so yesterday's mystery meat?" All together now: "HUH!?" PMP calls for a "massive re-strategy." She says she needs a new King. How about the Burger King? I hear he's making a comeback. PMP tells her minions to get her a yearbook.
Driving along a very scenic and decidedly un-Kansan route. PMP drives an SUV. Of course she drives an SUV. She's listening to Ashlee Simpson which, even if you don't get into an accident can cause severe head trauma. PMP is leafing through the yearbook as she drives. She's in the car alone. She finds Clark's yearbook entry. "I need some of this!" she says juicily. PMP picks up the phone and calls her friend Harmony. She must have the world's fastest cell phone, because Harmony picks up in less than a second. She reads Clark's outdated profile and announces that he's "gorgeous, captain of the football team, and single long enough that I'm not sloppy seconds." She got all that from the yearbook? Clark's profile says: "Wow! Done with another year. But it was definitely another good one. Can't wait for the summer to hang around at Crater lake with PR, CS, and the two LL's. Thanks mom and dad for everything! And of course I'll still be around the farm to lend a hand...See everyone else year!" I can see why someone would totally want to date Clark after reading that bit of eloquence. She asks for digits for Clark Kent. She's writing the number down as her SUV veers toward a cliff. Toonces, no! The SUV barrels through the barrier and into space as the Ashlee Simpson is cranked up. I can't think of a worse way to die, musically speaking. The SUV hits the ground and flips over. It rolls to a stop far below. The camera lingers over the wreck before showing PMP's body lying outside the vehicle. Nearby, though, are a bunch of exposed meteor rocks. PMP's hand is glowing as it lies on the ground.
Later that evening. PMP is walking from the woods, seemingly just fine after her accident. She's walking out to the dark road. She sees a car driving toward her. "Stop! Please! Stop!" she calls, waving her arms. It's MamaKent in the red Kent truck. MamaKent sees the broken barrier, but not PMP standing in the road. Poor Man's Paris shields herself, but her body passes right through the truck. When her spirit collides with MamaKent, MamaKent's body spasms and she brakes the car to a stop. MamaKent looks at her own hands. She looks at herself in the rearview. "Holy crap! I'm Clark Kent's mom!" says the voice of PMP. But then, isn't everyone? We go to commercials.
These horrible truth.com commercials really make me want a cigarette.
Kent home. Clark arrives that same night to find the same Ashlee Simpson song playing. Noooo! It's from Hell! She brought it back with her from beyond the grave! "Mom?" Clark asks hesitantly as he peers over toward the kitchen. PMP-as-MamaKent is doing a crazy dance like the kids do these days, completely rocking out. She's holding a half-carton of ice cream, too, as she boogies. Clark watches as his poor mother scratches at herself "like an alley cat" and shakes her stuff. My...goodness. Clark asks what's going on. Dance Party USA! WOOOO! MamaKent giggles and says goofily, "Hi, son." She spoons some ice cream and eats it right from the carton. Clark asks, "What's for dinner?" "Dinner?" PMP-MamaKent asks, then she laughs as she catches herself figuring out that she's this doofus's mom. She asks Clark to try some ice cream, and tells him that it's "yummy." Clark asks if she's feeling all right. MamaKent says she's great; she brushes back her hair and says she wanted to ask Clark if he has a date for prom yet. She swings a bit from side to side, girlishly, which would be perfect if PMP didn't actually walk around with a stick up her ass all the time. Clark says he doesn't plan to go. "Whaaat?" MamaKent exclaims. "You have to go!" Clark stammers that he kinda wanted to go with Lana, but... "Lana Lang?!" MamaKent scoffs. "You can't be serious. You two are so last year." She says it really obnoxiously, which is surprisingly hilarious. MamaKent tells Clark with deadly seriousness that it's gonna be the most important night of his life and that she won't let him miss it. "You can take me," she says. Creeeeeeepy! Clark reminds her that she's already going with Bo Duke; they're chaperones. Thank goodness he had that excuse handy. "Oh. Yeah. Right. Cool," MamaKent says. Body possession is fun! She rolls her eyes.
Just then, Lois Lane comes down the stairs, sneezing as Shelby the dog follows her. Lois complains that the dog follows her everywhere, so he must know she's allergic. "He's torturing me," she says. "So...this is your little SECRET!" MamaKent spits at Clark. "You're taking her to the prom, aren't you?" Yikes! Holy Oedipal! Lois and Clark both exchange a look before Clark busts out laughing. "Lois?" Clark scoffs. Lois says that lots of things are possible, but that there'll be a man on Mars before she and Clark go to prom. MamaKent asks, still snidely, if they just mack, but keep it on the down-low in public. Do the kids still "mack" these days? "Mom!" Clark hisses. Lois asks if MamaKent cracked open the cooking sherry. "Of course not!" she says. "I'm just SUPER-PUMPED about prom!" She walks off, muttering, "Well, I'm gonna go!" Yay, MamaKent. This is the best scene of the episode. Clark suggests that he drive MamaKent to The Talon himself. "The Talon?" MamaKent asks, "Oh. Right! I work there." Hee. She says she'll drive herself. "Laters!" she announces and exits. Clark and Lois look at each other. "'Laters'?" Lois asks.
Talon. MamaKent strides in, getting the walk down a little better, with a hair pull back, even. Two of PMP's friends are gossiping about her as MamaKent walks by. One of them is glad she got dumped. PMP, she says, was getting too stuck-up. The other girl says that the boyfriend, Butt Affleck, already hooked up with Sue Ann Gardner. Hearing that, PMP/MamaKent spins and says, "Sue Ann Gardner is a big, fat ho!" WHOAH! That's awesome! The girls laugh at the poor older lady. Just then, Lana Lang comes down the stairs from her pink wonderland tower apartment. "Mrs. Kent?" she asks. MamaKent gives her the dirty eyes, before saying nicely, "Oh, hi Lana." She asks why Lana isn't at school helping the prom committee. She says they can use all the help they can get. Lana says she's not going to prom. "Why? You think you're so above it all?" MamaKent asks. Yes! Sweetness! Lana says of course not. Then MamaKent rears back for the kill: "Oh, come on. Poor little orphan girl? Going off to your fancy French art school?" She rolls her eyes and shakes her head as she says that last part. Perfection! My compliments to the chef who baked this delicious humble pie! "Going out with that big college guy," MamaKent (now with PMP baked in!) finishes. She chuckles at the end. Lana, pissed, says she doesn't have to listen to his. MamaKent reaches out to Lana as she walks off, and a pink flash transfers PMP over to Lana's body. MamaKent touches her head. PMP in Lana's body looks at Lana's hand, then herself in the mirror. "Genius!" Clark walks into The Talon looking for his mother. Lana, greeting him, tells him to forget about his mom. She says she has something to ask. Lana suddenly seems awake with PMP in her body. She says she knows it's last minute, but she was wondering if it wouldn't be amazing if they went to prom together. "Us?" Clark asks. He asks about Jason. Lana says it's Clark she wants to go with. Clark thinks about it. "Don't you want to go with me?" she asks, pouting. Clark starts to break down a bit, so Lana takes that as a yes and says she has to get to school to help set up. "They're lost without me," she says, "laters!" Clark takes a moment to absorb that vital clue. He goes over to MamaKent. She tells him she can't remember how she got to The Talon. Mystery music plays.
Back at school, we see a flyer for PMP for Prom Queen. We pan over as the banner committee and the stars subcommittee are hanging stuff up. "Looking great, guys!" says PMP-as-Lana. Lana annoyingly walks through the crowd, advising people not to use too little tape. She grabs a posterboard from someone's hand, pissed, and takes it to PMP's friend Harmony, informing her that the poster is supposed to be cotton-candy pink, not seafoam green. Harmony is impressed by the PMP impression. The girl to her says that Lana has the queen bitch control-freak down pat. Lana scoffs. She asks what that's supposed to mean. Harmony asks where PMP is. Friend-of-Harmony asks who cares; they'll get more done without her. Lana sneers. With the lips and everything. She throws down the poster and storms off.
Not-at-all sneakily, Lana spots Butt Affleck going toward the boys' locker room. "You worked up quite a sweat!" she calls, heading toward him. He's surprised to see her decorating. In her annoying PMP voice, Lana says she heard the dude got over PMP pretty quick. Butt Affleck tells her that he couldn't stand to be with her another second. He says that her voice was like nails on a chalkboard, know what I mean? "NO!" Lana screams, "I don't know what you mean!" He's like, "Uh...okay." Lana suggests that he get cleaned up so that they can hang out and get to know each other better. He smiles. "Be right back," he tells her. Lana flounces off. She finds a big cleaning apparatus in the hallway and somehow pulls the plug of it out with her bare hands. It sparks with electricity.
Clark rounds the corner in the hallway. He finds Chloe and asks her if she's seen Lana. Chloe says that the only people around are prom committee people spreading their "prom-aganda." Clark explains to Chloe about his mom acting weird, then Lana being "not herself." Chloe says that if Lana's decorating for prom, that definitely falls under altered states. Clark has no idea what that means.
Locker room. I'm terrible about spotting these sorts of things, but luckily, our forum posters caught that the actor playing Butt Affleck was also Troy Turner in "Shimmer" and died at the beginning of "Redux." So yay for recycling actors who played dead characters. Butt Affleck is shirtless and finishing up his grooming. He closes his locker door and sees Lana standing there. She holds up her electrical cord, which now has three conduits. How the hell did she drag that plugged-in cord all the way in here? "Nobody breaks up with Dawn Stiles!" she announces, all nasally. She touches the cord to the lockers, sending a blue wave to where the dude is standing in a towel. He's electrocuted. The lights in the hallway flicker as Clark is still standing around looking confused. We cut back to Lana making a getaway. Chloe turns and sees that Clark has disappeared. Clark superzips into the locker room, grabs the dude's hand, and separates it from the locker. Wouldn't his hand be welded to it by now? Clark looks around. He sees Lana leaving the room. Lana, in the hall, touches some Asian dude just as Clark comes up to confront her. Asian Dude walks, looking evil, until he touches an older teacher lady. Teacher lady stops, then smiles with evil intent. Teacher Lady touches the very cute Harmony. Harmony walks down the hall, finally in heels and a body similar to that which she's accustomed. Harmony walks right past Clark and Lana as he's telling Lana that she was just in the boys' locker room. Ew! Lana doesn't remember anything. We go to commercials as Harmony walks in slow motion and gives the camera a dirty look. Well, screw you, too!
Meet the Fockers on DVD. I'm in the middle of watching it right now. It's not as bad as I expected, but then I was expecting cold poop in a hot plate. It's slightly warmer poop than anticipated.
High school at night. Chloe and Lana are at The Torch. Chloe lets Lana know that the dude she just fried in the locker room is expected to make a full recovery. As Reddy Kilowatt. Great, maybe he can come back to the show as a whole other character. Lana asks Chloe what else she might have done when she blacked out. She asks why she'd ever hurt that guy. "You wouldn't. But Dawn Stiles would," Chloe tells her. Oh, Chloe. Always ten steps ahead of everybody else. Chloe tells Lana that she and MamaKent were both acting very "Dawnish" that day. Chloe has already figured out that Lana and MamaKent came in contact with each other and that MamaKent drove past the scene where PMP's body was found in a gorge that's known for its meteor rocks. Chloe says that PMP is in the emergency room in a deep coma. Are there really any light comas? Lana asks if Chloe really believes this girl can jump bodies like that. Chloe says that it's Smallville, after all: "What would senior prom be without a body-snatching Prom Queen?" Good point. Long looks are exchanged. Time is wasted.
Smallville Medical Center. Where they'll eventually bury me. Chloe, Lana, and Clark stand in the waiting area. Clark asks how she's doing. She feels horrible; I wonder if the electrocuted boys' parents want a word with her. "Well, you didn't do anything; you were inhabited by Dawn Stiles," Clark says, as if it were the most normal thing in the world. Chloe breaks their little pity party to ask where the new Dawn (cuts grease out of your way) might be. Clark uses his "Oh, shit," expression. Just then, Harmony arrives, purse in tow. She asks how "she" is doing, without mentioning a name. Clark, who has the inside line, tells her that PMP is barely hanging on with massive head injuries, and that she's severely disfigured. "Disfigured?" Harmony asks, with distaste. She walks off and does an aside to the audience: "What do you, the viewers at home, think?" She actually says, "No...it couldn't be. That face was so perfect!" Well...not to quibble, but...perfect? You think so? Really, PMP? Harmony walks away. Chloe gives us the "Something's up" stare.
Harmony is in the exam room. PMP-within-Harmony spies herself in bed. "Ew...gross." The girl has a tube in her mouth and she's scratched up pretty bad, but she's far from "severely disfigured." Clark's just a bitch that way. A nurse walks in just to tell Harmony, "Uh, you're not allowed in here." Harmony turns and smiles slyly: "Oh, really?" The nurse's eye twitches. "Yeah. Really. For reals. Yes. Get the fuck out of here." This scene really should have been cut shorter.
Hallway. Lana is talking Clark's ear off. She's still asking, over and over, what she could have done when she blacked out. All right, Lana. It's over. Let it go! Live in the now! Clark asks if Lana remembers what she said to him at The Talon earlier. Nope. Sorry, Clarkie. She asks what she said. "You just, uh, asked me to the prom," he says. Awkward! "Oh," Lana says, taken aback. "Really?" Clark explains that it wasn't really her, and that's cool and, you know, go home, watch some movies, masturbate in the shower...it's cool, really. There's suddenly a Code Blue. A sale at K-Mart? Doctors and nurses rush. Wow, it's just like the Code Blue from last week. This it the place where all character-killing plot points must go. As the Scooby trio walks down the hall, they're stopped by the nurse from earlier. She asks if they're friends of PMP. She tells them that, even though doctors just now rushed over, their friend has "passed on." Passed on what? The nurse says she's sure PMP didn't suffer. She leaves them, but gives a sly look over her shoulder as she walks off. As she leaves, the nurse stops to throw away a needle she just used. "Genius!" she says, congratulating herself. "Laters!" "Genius!" It's all just so clever, isn't it? So is PMP really dead, or what?
I've gotta tell you guys: I'm winded. This episode is tiring the crap out of me. You know the scene in The Triplets of Belleville where the guys with the gigantratonic calves are on the bikes that are moving the reels on the projector and running them through an endless Tour de France from Hell that never ends? That, in a nutshell, is recapping "Spirit." Just thought I'd share.
Lair of Lex. Hands tap at Lex's keyboard. The LuthorCorp page login prompt says "Lex Luthor." Pssst! I think the password is "ELEMENTS." The screen says "Log-in successful." A bunch of emails appear. Among them are emails from B. Crosby (Bing Crosby!?), Dr. Sinclair, a financial dude named Jim Pratt, another lackey named L. Jacobsen, a security guy named T. Hunt, a third financial person named L. Naude (just Naude if you get this), Theron Layne the marketing guy (it's right Theron your email list) and a dude named Clark Kent who responds to a message called, "Hi Clark - Favor to ask." That favor is...Hot gay inches! Subscribe now! We see that the person looking at Lex's email is Jason! And he's doing it in Lex's office. Surely there's a way to sneak into someone's email without having to do it from their own computer in plain view! Subtlety, man!
Lex walks in, unsurprisingly. If Jason were a little more receptive, this could have been a really hot male-male scene with audio clips played on Howard Stern ("Slap! D'ooooohhhh!"). Lex asks if Jason found anything interesting. Well, there's an awful lot of Cialis spam here and -- oh, hi, Lex! Jason, not freaked out at all to be caught snooping, says he did find something. Lex crosses the room, telling Jason that he's crossed the line; Lex says he values his privacy. Is Jason still working for Lex? Is he still even supposed to be here? Jason says he takes murder very seriously; he noticed the emails Lex was exchanging with the recently murdered Margot Kidder. Jason says he's found evidence of a meeting between Margot and Lex the day she was found in the dirt. Lex, sounding a little unconvincing, says the woman never showed up for that meeting. Lex goes to pour himself a stiff drink. The two of them are still both in the dark. Mmm...stiffness and darkness. Two great loves of Lex's life. Jason says that an item was mentioned in the emails. An artifact, maybe? Oh, hell, not this again. Jason asks if Lex was planning on buying an artifact from Margot Kidder, or if he planned to take it by force. Lex -- who should have had Jason thrown out by now -- says that he doesn't have to explain himself. Jason says that maybe Lex should talk about it to the police. Lex says he has no interest in being a part of a murder investigation. Jason says that a dead body was found on Lex's property; it's hard to ignore. "Trust me, I'm not," Lex says. Jason asks whom Lex is trying to protect. His father, maybe? Lex steps forward. He says that burying bodies in the back yard isn't a hobby of his. More like a vocation. An avocation? I get those confused. Jason tells Lex he's not a hobbyist in the field of covering up murders. He says he'll have a chat with the sheriff. Great. Just announce it to Lex, why don't you? File this scene under "Pointless. SEE ALSO: Forgettable."
Smallville Medical Center, daytime. Ah, so this is what Hell looks like by daylight. Lois is chewing out some poor cashier guy for handing her a bill for $200. He points out helpfully that it's $215 with lab fees. Lois says that all they did was stick her in the back and make her itchy. She scratches her neck to more clearly illustrate her point. "What's that all about?" she asks. Did no one explain to her that she was getting allergy-tested? Or was she just not listening? God, Lois is a fucking self-centered idiot. I'm sorry, she just is. Lois says she knows what she's allergic to; it has four legs and drools. Looking like she's about to strangle someone, Lois says she needs a prescription: "A dog's life depends on it." Ow! Harsh! Dial it down, woman! Yeesh! The orderly rolls his eyes and walks off. As he does, someone calls Lois. "Maybe I can help you," says the creepy possessed nurse.
Kent Farm, dusk. Clark is looking through the yearbook, mooning over Lana's photo. He turns as Bo Duke and MamaKent come down the stairs, dressed for the prom. "Hey, you guys look great!" he gushes. And they do. MamaKent is wearing a gold jacket, and Bo's wrapping his manly torso in a suit coat. MamaKent is sad that Clark isn't going; she says they only agreed to chaperone for him. Clark agrees that it's a little backward. As he ties his tie with his top button undone, Bo says he doesn't want Clark to look back and regret missing the prom. Clark retorts that standing at the punch bowl and watching bad dancing isn't something he'll miss. Bo says suavely that he's not so sure about that bad dancing part. Then he undercuts his suaveness by saying, "I'll bring the truck around." He'll even honk, because that's chivalry. MamaKent tells Clark she thinks she knows why he's skipping prom. Clark whines that when he was a freshman watching everyone go to the prom, he figured it would be him and Lana going their senior year. MamaKent says that shit happens, but that sometimes that shit is better than what you imagined. Or words to that effect. MamaKent says she put Clark's tux by the door if he changes his mind. Tux? Whaaaa? "You rented me a tux?" Clark asks. No one's going to mention that Clark was recently married and his short-term wife was brutally killed, huh? Because that would fuck pretty much anyone up if it happened shortly before the prom. But screw all that. It's all about Clark's moping for Lana, right? MamaKent hugs Clark and leaves him to stew in his Lana-loss.
A sound from up the stairs. The camera leers at a girl in a tight red dress with white sparklies at the top. She's, um...top-heavy? "Well?" asks Lois Lane, in her over-the-top (take that however you like) dress and strangely made-up hair. "How do I look?" Surgically assisted? Clark gulps and says it looks like she's going to the prom. "I am," she says, coming down the stairs and almost knocking all the pictures off their frames with her mammary bundles. "And you're taking me!" she announces. Lois says she won't let Clark sit around while his parents go "Electric Boogaloo" all night. Er, all right, then. She promises that it'll be fun. Clark resists. Lois repeats the phrase "massive re-strategy" and warns Clark that he's going to the prom whether he likes it or not. Clark reminds her that this wasn't in the realm of possibilities. Lois smiles. "Anything's possible, Clark," she says. "Anything." Creepy music plays. We go to commercials. I go get completely drunk, because that's the only way I'm going to get through the rest of this episode.
Commercials. Birds love Mentos. Even if Mentos, you know, kill them and stuff.
Damn. Getting drunk didn't work. I can still feel pain. Anyway...oh, yeah. This other plot. Jason is leading Sheriff Cheshire to the scene of the Margot Kidder burial. Remember? The one that was a lame sendoff? Jason and the sheriff are carrying flashlights. Jason is completely amazed that the body is gone. "It was right here, to this rock," he says. Stupid, stupid rock! Yep, Lex's crack security team was going to just leave a foot sticking out, right? Dumb-ass. Jason says that they must have put up this here gazebo nearby. The sheriff says helpfully that the gazebo had been there since before the Luthors came to Smallville. Oops. The sheriff tells Jason that she likes a good murder mystery, but that you can't have one without a victim, and she can't find that Margot Kidder's character ever existed. It's as if...she were wiped clean from the show! Jason goes wide-eyed with disbelief. The sheriff says she even did a Google search, and it kept asking her if she meant "Bing Crosby." Ha! Jason asks if she questioned the gardener who found the body. She says she questioned the entire landscaping staff. Jason says that Lex has either paid them off or is intimidating them. "Or you're yanking my rope," says the sheriff. Why, Sheriff Cheshire! How dare you! She tells him that time he says there's a murder, she'd "better see a stiff." Well. All right then. Go be dirty, then. Jason looks at her in horror at the prospect of ever having to produce a stiff for her.
We cut to the sheriff driving off. Jason gets into his car. He makes a phone call. "Hello, mother," he says. "Oh, it's done. Lex took care of the body just like we wanted." He tells his mother he loves her, and hangs up. Then, just to be cute, he opens a little box and pulls out one of the Gay Stones of Knowledge. Never mind that Lex probably has him under surveillance.
Ah, the prom. Hey, is that Lifehouse? I love those guys! Wait, who's Lifehouse again? Lots of band shots. We don't care. Honestly, we don't. Lois, her two friends, and Clark arrive at the prom. She squees at how great the prom is, and tells Clark he's going to have so much fun. He's still being mopey. Lois leaves Clark to go get some punch. She's not really pushing the Poor Man's Paris character as much as Lois and MamaKent did. We see Lois go over to where the prom crowns are kept. She puts a hand to her chest to make sure everything is still in place. Yep. Still defying gravity. There's a tiara and scepter. Is this a wicked scepter I see before me?
Chloe enters the prom looking fantastic, but glum as all get-out. She tells herself that she can do this. She sees Clark, and they both brighten up. "Hey, haven't I seen you here before?" she asks, cutely. Psst...Clark...this is where you tell Chloe how good she looks. "Well, maybe this time we won't have any natural disasters," he says. Hmm. Sure. I guess that works, too. Chloe says she thought Clark wasn't coming. Clark says that he thought about regrets, and that not being able to see Chloe in her crown would have been at the top of the list. Why, you bastard asshat liar! What a douche! Chloe seems to believe him, which makes the comment even sadder. She says sincerely that she's glad Clark is there. "Clark!" Lois screeches. "It's called an escort for a reason!" Chloe's face scrunches up. "You're here," Chloe says, "in pink. Why?" Lois also lies, saying that she came to cheer Chloe on. Why must everyone around Chloe force her into a ramshackle house of lies?
A school administrator on stage busts up the party to get everyone's attention. She says it's time for the big announcement. Isn't it a little early? Everyone just got there! Oh well. Time to see what's what. Chloe tells Lois that if she should somehow win, the tiara-burning party will be at her house. Chloe has a house? Clark grins. Lois makes an awful, awful face of joy, telling them they should get closer to the stage. The prom queen is announced: "Chloe Sullivan!" The teacher or whomever that is on stage seems pretty happy with the result. Lois's smile fades. Chloe looks horrified. Bo and MamaKent clap. Lifehouse is like, "This gig fucking sucks." Lois gives Chloe a hug, transferring Poor Man's Paris Hilton over to the Prom Queen's body. Chloe, bright beauty pageant grin in place, storms the stage. Lois, back to her own brain, asks what the hell she's doing in a dress and what the hell she's doing at the prom. Lowering flat-chested girls' self-esteem?
Chloe takes the crown and the bouquet of roses on stage. She even grabs for the scepter. Gimme that! Lois, in the audience with Clark, sticks out the corsage on her chest. "Did you stick that on me?" she asks Clark. He's trying to watch Chloe on stage. "A little close to the boob, don't you think?" Lois asks. How could it not be? It's got its own gravitational pull. On stage, Chloe is doing a Dawn. She says it's totally awesome that she won. She says she's looked to the stars and wished for this moment since she was a little girl. Like, gag! Chloe continues to gush that she's looking down on everyone now, and that this moment is so totally genius! Chloe says that the person who really deserves the honor is Dawn Stiles. You know, it strikes me as a little odd that school and the prom weren't cancelled when a student died, even if it was someone who wasn't well-liked. And that students would react negatively to hearing a dead student memorialized at prom. This school must just be full of assholes, is what it is. Unless Dawn didn't really die, of course. As soon as Chloe says Dawn's name, everyone starts to look weirded out. On stage, Chloe says that PMP deserved this award way more than Chloe Sullivan does. People in the crowd start to chant -- half-assedly, I might add -- "Chloe! Chloe! Chloe!" Even the closed captioning says it with more enthusiasm than this bunch of mumblers. Chloe/PMP starts to cry a little. Possessed Chloe says bitterly that this will be a night she'll always remember, and that all of them will never forget. Ominous! She storms off. Clark starts to go after Chloe, but Lois stops him to say she's clicked her heels three times and still wants to know what's going on. We go to commercials before Clark can explain.
Last leg. I think I can make it. I can almost see the finish line. But man, what a shitty route to have to take to get there. I think I've got that "Smallville fatigue" that people on the forum seem to have come down with.
We zip back to the beginning of the episode, with the scenes we saw at the top of the episode. Lifehouse is playing their crappy hit. Chloe has grabbed an ax. She walks down the hall and clocks Bo Duke in the face again; it's even more satisfying the second time around. Wow, this is way easier to recap the second time. This time, however, Clark finds Bo Duke at the bottom of the stairs and helps him up. "Weren't you just shot last week?" he should have asked. Bo tells Clark that Chloe isn't acting like herself. You know, with the ax across the face and stuff. Clark asks Bo to get something for him.
Chloe is in the boiler room. She takes an ax to the oil valve and gets the mop-torch again. Chloe has to say her awful "Now that's what I call a torch" line again. This time, when she throws the flaming mop, Clark superzips down the hall and catches it before it can ignite the oil. Now do some fire-juggling! Chloe asks Clark how he did that. He puts the flaming torch down, seemingly without putting it out. Whups! Clark tells Chloe that he knows she's actually PMP. Bitterly, PMP tells Clark that for years, she tried to be what she thought everyone wanted, and that, on what was supposed to be the best night of her life, everyone laughed at her. Welcome to high school. "Let Chloe go!" Clark demands. "I will," she says. She says that there's a lot of life after high school, and that she can be whomever she wants. She touches Clark on the chest. She does the soul transfer. Chloe gasps. "Clark!" she says. Clark looks at her cattily. "The crown's mine, bitch," he says, taking it from her. Best line ever. What follows, though, is not so cool. Clark smacks Chloe across the face, sending her flying across the room. It's Clark's strength here, so you have to figure he'd have shattered Chloe's skull into a million CGI pieces. Clark looks at his powerful fist. "Genius!" he says. Kill me. Kill me now. Wing! Put me out of my misery! It's soooo bad! ["I've had four people quit their shows this season, pal. You're on your own." -- Wing Chun] Clark picks up the flaming torch that should have already ignited the oil. Oh, what oil? It's all gone now! Yay, for miraculous editing! Chloe, on the ground, opens her aching jaw. Ow.
Bo suddenly rushes in and calls PMP's name. Clark swings the mop/torch in Bo's direction. Clark, all fey, says, "Seriously, Mr. Kent, you can't stop me!" Mercy! Bo says that may be true, but that he can stop his son. He busts out the Kryptonite. Clark starts to get weak. Chloe watches with interest. Clark/PMP falls to the ground, writhing, and whines, "What are you doing? What is that?" "It's time for you to leave!" Bo bellows. That Satan isn't going to just exorcise himself! He comes closer. Clark winces and moans. As he lies flat on his back, PMP's spirit rises from the body. Holy Exorcist! No, really. It's holy! The pink spirit rises, comes straight for the camera, and then rises up to the ceiling. She went to heaven? Laters! Bo tosses the rock just anywhere. He shuts the oil valve off. Clark regains his strength and gets up. He goes to check on Chloe, who's absolutely fine despite being punched in the face by freakin' Superman. Clark spots her tiara on the ground. He hands it to her with his congratulations. Chloe looks at him like, "My hero!" Yeah, my big, dumb, asshat, liar, just-clocked-me- in-the-face- with-his-super-strength hero.
Back at the prom, Clark spots Lois. He tries to apologize, but she's already gotten the scoop from Clark's parents. Lois snarks that it's the last time she's letting PMP do her hair. Clark tries to apologize again. Lois says she never got to go to her own senior prom. I guess the prom she mentioned before was junior year. She complains that the punch could use some kick. Ha. Kung-Fu joking. Clark smiles. Lifehouse start to play a slow, mopey song befitting Clark Kent. Clark, sensing opportunity, tells Lois that since she got all dressed up, maybe she'd like to dance. "Chivalry noted," she says, but adds that she's not the one he should be dancing with. We all take a deep breath. Lois nods toward the door. "She is," she says. Chloe, right? Nooooo! Wrong! It's Lana, wearing a strange white dress and sporting 1940s hair. What the...What is THIS? It's not enough to kick Chloe around for four years, you have to put her through this crap again when she's Prom Queen? I'm sure there's a note written somewhere back around Season 1 that reads, "Clark and Lana have to dance together at senior prom," but they sure as hell haven't earned it. This absolutely sucks. On more levels than I care to list. I'd put up a bigger fight, but I'm so, so, tired of this shit. Aren't you? Haven't we had enough Lana for ten lifetimes already? Is it never enough? Clark, all goofy-eyed, goes to dance with Lana. It's as retch-worthy as you can imagine.
After selling her cousin's soul for $1.95, Lois goes to see how Chloe is doing. Freakin' depressed is how she's doing. Lois tells her that a year from now, it'll all feel like a lifetime ago. Chloe smiles and says that's funny, because it feels like yesterday when Clark abandoned "that nervous freshman on the dance floor." Ouch. Lois pep-talks Chloe, telling her that she's going to go to Metropolis to be a big-shot reporter: "Do you really think Clark Kent will be able to keep up with you?" Chloe, a better person than all of this bullshit, says she thinks Clark has more to offer than Lois realizes. Lois says that she wouldn't bet on it. Chloe just gives her a sweet look. Run, Chloe. Run far far away from this show. Go kick it with Veronica Mars or something.
Nausea follows. Clark goes to Lana. He asks for this dance. "I thought you'd never ask," she responds. He takes her hand. They go to the middle of the dance floor. Lois watches Chloe. Chloe's tender heart breaks for the millionth time. Fuck you guys. Seriously. Fuck you very much for making us have to see this all over again. Lifehouse, on behalf of Miles and Al, would like us to know that you just can't take your eyes off of Lana. Furthermore, everything she does is beautiful and everything she does is right. MamaKent and Bo dance. Clark and Lana get closer. The lyrics are just absurdly about Lana, proving yet again that the show was misnamed from its original Lanaville. At the door, Jason arrives just in time to see Lana and Clark dancing. That's great, because did you hear that he's a bad guy now? No, it's true! Lana looks content against Clark's chest. He doesn't give shit one about Chloe, and when he becomes Superman, he's still going to be the Superman who fucked with Chloe's feelings for four years and who treated all of his friends like he was a supreme asshat and who lied to everybody, broke the law whenever possible, and was responsible for more than a few teen deaths. So choke on that shit, Superman. I hope Batman kicks your ass someday.
And that's all I have to say about that. Thanks for hanging in there. I'm hoping week will be better. It damn well has to be.