(Massive lightning strike.) Ow. Sorry, Papa Juan Pablo II.
We open the first new episode in a while at LuthorCorp headquarters. At least that's what the askew, yet still phallic monolith outside says. Inside, Lex Luthor, goddamned sexy man about town (at least he was before Season Four), is staring at a very large green jewel held by some steel machinery. I'd make a comparison between Lex and steel machinery, but that would be redundant. Lex asks a Dr. Sinclair if he's sure he's fixed the problem. Lex's hand squeaks against some glass as he walks away from the jewel. The glass is happy. "Absolutely, Mr. Luthor," says Sinclair. You take the pill an hour before sex and make sure you don't let the farmboy go home for 36 hours. Sinclair blah blahs about test results and thermal variance. Hey, thermal variance this, egghead. We want Lex! And we want him now! Now Sinclair's talking about separation impurity. Is that like when Brad got busy with Angelina? Lex throws up his hands in annoyance. "Six months of this and all you had to do was turn up the heat?" he asks. You should have just had Lex enter the room! Sinclair, argumentative since he found out as a child that his name was "Sinclair," sputters that this shit ain't exactly easy, dickweed, and that meteor rocks are hard to deal with. They're the in-laws of the geological world. (Except mine. My in-laws rock.) Sinclair says he had trouble figuring out the right temperature. Lex says that if this thing, whatever it is, works, he'll leave a permanent mark on the world. Not like when he tried to piss on the world's snow to spell out his name. This one will stick, dammit! Sinclair notes that it won't hurt Lex's bank account either. Mind your own beeswax, Sinclair. The ironically sin-less Sinclair hands Lex a pair of safety goggles by Ray Ban. These goggles are sweet. All scientists should look this cool. Sinclair initiates a "thermal sequence." The voice of a woman who sounds like she had to skip class at junior college to record her lines informs us that, yes, things are about to get thermal up in here. A blue laser shoots at the large green rock. Sinclair ups the temperature to 70 percent. "Come on, come on," Lex chants. Is there a midget below frame that we're not seeing? Lex is very intent here. Sinclair opens up some sample tray with, what, like jalapeño poppers and Bagel Bites? They're getting irradiated and turning into weird black spores. The temperature climbs to 90 percent and Sinclair seems pretty pleased with himself. Pride goeth, bitch. Pride goeth. Buffy the Voice-over Slayer says that there's some irregularity in the radiated seeds. Well, of course there is. Sinclair boldly pumps things up to 95 percent. You crazy Sinclair, you! Sinclair cranks to 98. He says the power objective has been attained. It's just a number, really. It could have gone to 111 if he'd wanted it to.
Everything goes bad suddenly as the green stone turns black. Alarms start to sound. Sinclair complains that things are accelerating too quickly. Shouldn't they have an entire staff of people working on this, not just a scientist and Lex sitting right to the radiation? Were there no extras in Vancouver available this week? Lex asks what's happening. Sinclair says the temperature is rising too quickly. It's you, Lex! You are…too…sexy! Your ass is radiating pure energy! Pure energy! Lex tells Sinclair to shut everything down. "I'm trying, I'm trying!" he whines. He's working on a Dell computer. Alienware machines are conspicuously absent on the show now. The now-black rock turns purple and starts to shoot out a white light. "Get out of here!" Lex yells, and grabs Sinclair by the arm. "Sir, you've never touched me like that bef-- AAAAGGH!" Sinclair knocks his head on a rail. Purple light hits Lex right in the back and he starts to shimmy and shake. Things get pixilated. Lex is flung forward. The machine explodes. Fire! Glass! Boo boos! Lex is moaning and writhing on the ground, but doesn't look badly wounded. He stands up and looks toward the wreckage. Sinclair makes a noise: "Could you touch me again… sir?" Lex obliges and helps him up. Ow! His spine! Lex grunts a lot. He calls the experiment a failure and, in badly looped-in dialogue, says he's going to take Sinclair to the hospital. As they leave, we see another Lex, in the foreground, rise up from the wreckage! Lex times two! Double your pleasure, double your fun! Chew some gum, twins! Where's his evil goatee?
Opening credits. Remy Zero have got to be sick of this song by now. Maybe they should trade Phantom Planet for "California."
"Can you hear me now?" guy. I'm here. I'm there! I'm everywhere! Fear me! Love me! Have my wireless babies, untethered by umbilical!
Smallville Medical Center. The wing named after me with one beep on the heart monitor for every scene here I've recapped. Chloe and Clark are allowed into Lex's exam room. Luckily, by now he's out of the stirrups. Clark asks how he is. Hot. "Clark. I'm fine," says Lex as he stands up. Then he stands up from the exam table. Lex asks how they knew he was there. Chloe says an EMT is a friend of hers; they told her there was an explosion at LuthorCorp. Couldn't Lex have his own non-public medical staff, considering how many times he gets kidnapped or beaten up? They'd certainly get more use than his front door guards. Lex tells Clark that they were conducting an experiment. "I'm guessing it didn't go well," Clark surmises, brilliantly. No, Clark, the intent was always to get Lex to the hospital. The orderlies here are gorgeous. Lex says it was worth the risk. "I'm sure it was," says Chloe, out of nowhere, "to LuthorCorp's bottom line." Didn't Lex save your life and your dad's life earlier this season? Shouldn't you be, oh, I don't know, grateful or something? Nice continuity there, Chloe. "To the world, Chloe," Lex says, without even getting annoyed. He offers to take Clark and Chloe to the lab to see what they've been working on. Ashes! Sweet, sweet ashes and debris! They will change the world. Lex says he thinks they'll like this one. He grabs his coat and exits. Chloe, still not loving the Lex, says she doesn't buy the story; she's going to talk to Dr. Sinclair to corroborate. Clark smiles. All right, alone time! "I'm gonna go to the lab with Lex," he says, grinning. Chloe tells Clark to be careful and reminds him that LuthorCorp experiments never end well. Clark looks positively exuberant. Chloe looks thoughtful.
Dr. Sinclair's room. The room is dark, but a bright shaft of light is burning a hole through the sheets and into his stomach. Lex, wearing a suit, walks in. "Wow. That looks like it hurts," he whispers as he hovers over Sinclair's bed. Sinclair, waking, asks what happened. Lex says he was hoping Sinclair could tell him that. Sinclair says there was an explosion. Lex asks if he noticed anything unusual after the accident. "Like what?" Sinclair asks. "Like seeing two of me," Lex says. Gay twins? Like Akbar and Jeff? Lex says he thinks the explosion caused a separation, some sort of "division on a molecular level." I hope the president isn't watching, because this would just blow his mind. ("Ya mean I could be in two places at once? Laura! Call them science fellas!") "I saw another Lex Luthor," Lex says gravely. Was he bald? Because Lex Luthor is bald. That's one way you can tell. Did he have an evil goatee? "My god," says Sinclair, totally buying into this theory without any proof. Lex asks if there's any way to reverse the process and "Force the two mes back together." Sinclair says his research notes are back in the lab. Charred. "If I had those," he begins, "I might be able to find a way to reverse the process." Lex says he's going to the lab to get the notes. He draws the blinds closed in the room. Uh oh. "In the meantime, why don't you get some rest?" he tells Sinclair. Blissfully stupid Sinclair nods and goes straight to sleepy-time. Lex inserts some major air bubbles into Sinclair's IV drip. Eeeeevil Lex! Hey, you know later on, when everything gets "resolved" at the end? Who gets charged with this guy's murder?
In the hallway, Chloe is walking to Sinclair's room. Nice huge cargo pants, Chloe. Are you hiding Pete in there? Chloe sees Lex coming out of Sinclair's room, to her surprise. He tells her he was checking in on Sinclair before he went to the lab with Clark. She asks if he's all right. "Not feeling a thing," Lex says, smiling. Chloe says she wanted to talk to Sinclair. Lex tells her the doctor is sleeping and that Chloe should come back and see him "when he's feeling a little more alive." As Lex walks away, we hear the machines in Sinclair's room go to alert. Nurses and doctors rush into the room as Lex calmly walks away. He rounds a corner, eyeing Chloe in slow motion as chaos ensues. Bastardous! Defibrillation! Chloe watches helplessly as Sinclair goes to the great supporting character casting call in the sky.
Lex's lab. Lex is showing Clark a glass case containing…wait for it…tiny orange trees. "That's it?" Clark asks. This big experiment is just about gardening?" No, Clark. It's about hoes. Also, Lex says, it's about the future. The plants are growing in sand with just a few drops of water to feed them. Clark says that if his dad planted some of those, he'd never have to worry about harvest again. And he'd be growing oranges…in Vancou-- er, Kansas! Lex hands Clark an apple and asks him to taste it. You crazy serpent, you. Lex tells Clark the apple was grown from irradiated seeds. "Something's wrong," Clark says as he bites into it. It tastes rotten. Clark's been reading some of the future Season Four scripts. He knows from rotten. Lex blabs about how they've managed to strip the plants of their weakness under harsh conditions, but that it's spoiled the fruit the plants bear. Yeah, yeah, we get it. Papa Luthor reference. Clark asks if that's what Lex was working on when the explosion happened. Lex says Sinclair thought increasing the temperature would fix things. Lex tells Clark the meteor rock became unstable. "What, you're working with meteor rocks again?" Clark asks. Again with the meteor rocks? What do you, want to marry the meteor rocks? Because you should go do that then! Meteor rock luvah. Lex says that if they can make this work they can put an end to hunger and famine forever. Lex punches a code to open a neon-lit refrigerator where Dr. Sinclair keeps his notes. Dr. Sinclair is a bit scattered. Inside the fridge is also a bunch of huge samples of meteor rocks. Clark starts to go all oogy. He crashes into a desk and stumbles. Lex asks if he's all right. Clark says he'll wait outside. He starts to walk and the camera follows him until, HEY! It's EvilLex, hiding behind a pillar. I really, really wish he had that goatee.
Stately Luthor Manor, at night. Lex walks into his lair. Papa Luthor, sporting some helmet hair, is waiting on the couch. He stands up and immediately apologizes for showing up. He says he came to see if Lex was all right. Lex looks at him bemusedly. "I'm fine, Dad," Lex says, walking right past him, "thanks for the concern." Papa's glad that Lex is fine and apologizes for the intrusion. He starts to leave, but Lex stops him. Lex asks if he's still planning a charity fundraiser for that weekend. "Yessss," Papa Luthor says, all giddy. Papa reflects on the difficulty of getting the "deep pockets" (dirty!) to show up for salad and ginger chicken. Dude, you got me there with that. You can even have my pockets. Lex asks if it would help to have the head of LuthorCorp make an appearance. Papa Luthor brightens up while stroking his wattle. "Really? You'd do that?" Lex says it's on one condition. He wants the event at the top floor of LuthorCorp Plaza in Metropolis. Lex even offers, characteristically, to get all up in those deep pockets. Deeply. Papa Luthor is choked up by the generosity. Lex steps forward and says that he had his doubts about Papa Luthor's benevolence, but he sees how much joy all this ginger chicken is bringing him. "Dad, I'm proud of you," Lex says, smiling. Papa Luthor is dumbstruck. "Thank you, Lex," Papa Luthor finally says. He's grateful. He puts his hand on Lex's cheek. "I'm truly grateful. For everything," he says. He walks out. Life is good. Lex goes to his desk to examine Sinclair's loose-leaf papers. The camera pans down, then comes back up to reveal EvilLex standing there. He's right behind you! "Amazing work, isn't it?" EvilLex asks. PansyLex turns and sees him. Whoa! I'm sexy! "Hello, me," says EvilLex. It's no "Hello, Newman," but it'll work. EvilLex is holding a gun. He rears back and pistol-whips PansyLex right across the chopper. This is how much Lex gets pistol-whipped: his own doppelganger does it to him. The camera angles for under EvilLex's nose and stays there. "Meet the real you," EvilLex says. His mouth twitches a tiny smile. Commercials.
Fran Drescher is back! Hide your dogs with sensitive ears.
Hugest basement ever. You could have filmed all of The Aviator in this room, including the aerials. GoodLex, represented by Lex in a white shirt, panting on the floor as he's bound to a giant pillar, is not doing well. EvilLex, meanwhile, is living large like a fat kid. The lesser of the two evils looks up with tears in his eyes. Why oh why have I forsaken me? EvilLex says he can't have the other Lex running around. Walking. Skipping. Whatever. PansyLex asks who the other guy is. EvilLex sighs. He says that's a question he's been struggling with for years. EvilLex tells the story of the time "they" were told not to play down there, but EvilLex whispered in GoodLex's ear to do it anyway. "The door blew in, locking me in. No one could hear me," GoodLex says, sadly. EvilLex makes fun of the other one for being a scared, trembling child. He trembles for effect. "I hated you for that," he says. "My God. You're me," GoodLex says. Just because he's nice doesn't mean he has to be stupid, does it? EvilLex hunches down. "No, Lex. I'm much, much more." My God…he's made with minty Retsin! GoodLex, in hand shackles, props himself up to his feet. He's figured out this all had to do with the explosion in the lab. EvilLex says it freed him from his nice twin's weakness. He plans to embrace his true destiny: running a gay nightclub/tire repair shop called "The Rim's Job." GoodLex is mad he doesn't get to visit. He pulls himself against the chains, screaming at EvilLex. EvilLex eggs him on: "Come on! Come on!" He barks at GoodLex, daring him -- uh, "himself," to, er, stop him. These pronouns are all getting very confusing, people. EvilLex grabs GoodLex by the chin, roughly. Can you give yourself a Gayest Look of the Episode? I'll have to wait and see…this one's not quite it. EvilLex says he's disappointed in his better half. GoodLex asks why EvilLex doesn't just kill him if he's such a disappointment. EvilLex chuckles and says he'd love to, but he's not sure what would happen, metaphysically speaking. EvilLex plans to keep him down here indefinitely. He reminds GoodLex that nobody heard their screams when they were a child. EvilLex brings up that "Dumas" story, which he says was one of their favorites. Ah, The Man in the Iron Mask. EvilLex pulls out just such an iron mask and puts it on GoodLex. Dude, this is some seriously fucked-up shit right here. GoodLex struggles and screams. I don't blame him. EvilLex looks positively turned on. He's not attracted to himself, but he loves a man in a mask. He gives the iron contraption the true Gayest Look of the Episode. Referencing Louis the XIV, EvilLex takes the iron masked-man's head in his hands and says, "It's good to be the king." GoodLex struggles and screams against his chains as an airborne camera cranes down and ExilLex walks out of the room. EvilLex says he plans to show the world the real Lex Luthor. After four seasons? Nice of you to try.
Smallville High School. Where students go to learn. But mostly where they go to die. Clark walks in to the offices of The Torch. Chloe complains that he took too long to get there, especially since he's supposed to be a quarterback. "Ex-quarterback," Clark reminds her (and us). Clark asks if Chloe found out anything from Sinclair. She says no, because he's an ex-Sinclair. She says it was cardiac arrest in a guy with no history of heart problems. Yeah, but the guy was pretty old. And, you know, he had someone come in and kill him. Those are both pretty big risk factors. Clark plans to go tell Lex. Chloe says he should already know because he came out of Sinclair's room right before it happened. Clark finds that weird because he was with Lex the whole time. He says that's impossible. "Not in Smallville," Chloe says, "you of all people should know that." Clark gives her a weird look. She stammers that she meant it in reference to all the strange things he's seen in town. Chloe starts to hack into the hospital's security system, which she says slyly she's never done before because "that would be wrong." Clark nods, getting the cut of her T-bone steak of privacy invasion. She says it'll take a while. Clark leaves.
Lana arrives at her Talon apartment carrying a single bag of groceries. She finds Lex sitting on her couch. Lana does a double-take. She asks what he's doing there. Lex (the evil one) says he got a phone messages from her. "So you just let yourself in?" she asks, sounding playful when she should really be creeped out and pissed off. "My bad," says Lex, hilariously, "would you like me to go?" Lana, sporting middle-aged soccer mom hair, says it's fine, she's just surprised. Lex says he's been doing that to a lot of people lately. Lex stands up and takes Lana's groceries as she continues to look pleasingly puzzled. Lana says she wanted to talk to Lex about Jason. "Oh," he says glumly, looking away from her, "him." Lana says "um" several times as she thanks Lex for the info he's already given her on Jason and his mom. She starts to ask what he thinks about something, but EvilLex interrupts: "What I think, Lana, is you deserve better." Lana wasn't expecting that. So she acts blankly. Lex circles around a table and tells her she deserves someone who understands how extraordinary she is. Even Lana doesn't believe that nonsense. EvilLex puts a hand on her shoulder. A goose. It just walked over my grave. EvilLex strokes Lana's cheek and she recoils before it even gets there. She asks what he's doing. "What I've always wanted to," he says. Noooooooo! That's it. Who needs a beer? We're trying, Smallville. We're trying really, really hard to keep liking you. But this shit? It will not stand. Do you hear me, gentlemen? This will. Not! Stand! Then it gets 1,000 times worse as Lex suddenly kisses her. Fucking ew. She pushes him away and slaps him hard in one motion. That was much more satisfying than the kiss. She backs away, frightened. "Well, I do like them feisty," Lex says calmly. Where's her witch powers now? Lana, near tears, tells EvilLex to get out of her apartment. Lex says that's fine if that's how she wants to play it. By the way, he mentions in passing, he's closing the Talon. Lana tells him he can't do that. Lex closes the door he was about to exit and says, "Hmmm…I think I can." Lana asks where she's supposed to go. Not, "Hey, that'll put a lot of people out of work." Lex says it's up to her. He offers that she can live like a queen by his side or get thrown out with the garbage. Couldn't she live with Chloe, or the Kents, or even Jason on a temporary basis? She certainly is no warrior princess here, is she? EvilLex offers her time to think about it. He gives her a dirty up-and-down look and says, "I know I will." I have no idea what he's looking at, but it sure can't be Lana's pre-teen wares. Lex leaves and Lana looks nauseous. Which is how we all feel after that scene.
Lair of Lex. Bright sunlight blazes through the windows as two people fence. It's sort of the same exact motion back and forth, isn't it? Just then, Papa Luthor, rocking the polo shirt, bursts in. "Lex!" he shouts. One of the fencers, Lex's blonde sparring partner, turns to see who it is and gets poked by a relentless EvilLex. Loser! Papa Luthor asks what the hell he's doing. "Seizing the moment, Dad," EvilLex answers. EvilLex offers more sparring, same time tomorrow. Blondy is juiced just to hear that. She purses her lips and walks away. As she passes, EvilLex gives her a whomping slap on the ass. She keeps on walking. Livin' large, I say! His buzz is harshed upon by an unhappy Papa Luthor. "What's your problem with me this time, old man?" he asks, annoyed. Papa Luthor is angry because Lex offered to host his charity event, then cancelled the whole thing behind his back. "Why would you do that?" he asks. Opening a classic blu botol water, EvilLex mocks his daddy: "Because helping those who can't help themselves is a waste of time," he says in a gruff faux Papa Luthor voice. EvilLex gulps down that bottle. Yowza. Papa Luthor says people change. EvilLex says people get soft, the way Papa Luthor has. EvilLex offers to let the event go on and to make a contribution himself. Papa Luthor asks what's the catch. Lex draws some foils and tosses one to Papa Luthor. EvilLex asks Papa to prove he's worthy of being his father. "Are you insane, Lex?!" Papa Luthor cries. He's seriously about to lose it, emotionally. Lex says he's just curious. Papa starts to say he won't fight but, whups, he's fighting as Lex sneak-attacks.
Parry, dodge, thrust. "Stop it, Lex, stop it!" Papa yells. EvilLex asks the question we've all wondered: whether this transformation of Papa Luthor's is genuine. Lex leans forward as they lock foils. He wonders if Papa Luthor is so far gone, he's afraid to ask that question himself. Lex asks what's inside. "Is it really just puppies and hugs now, or is there something else twisting in your gut, squirming to be free again?" Papa Luthor, now furious, elbows Lex and pins him on the floor with his foil. He's huffing and puffing, looking anything but benevolent. "I knew you were in there somewhere, Father," EvilLex says calmly. EvilLex gets up slowly. He swings his foil and tosses Papa Luthor's away. "You should have stayed in prison," EvilLex says, "you were safer there." He slashes Papa Luthor across the face but good. Papa Luthor grunts. His cheek is bleeding. Lex tosses his foil to Papa Luthor. Smiles. Walks out of the room to let PapaLuthor stew in those delicious, spicy juices. Papa Luthor's nostrils flare. His mouth twitches. We go to commercials.
You should see how many truck commercials we have to fast-forward through in Texas. It's insane.
Kent Farm, daytime. The cows think, "Is the show still on the air? Because, frankly, we've stopped watching." Inside the barn, Clark finds Lana sitting on the stairs, crying. So she didn't catch him performing any super-chores out there? Fabulous. Clark asks if she's all right. Perfect. Couldn't be better. Lana says yes, then corrects herself with the slightly more accurate, "No." Lana the red-nosed show-drag asks if he heard that Lex is going to close the Talon. It's news to Clark. Clark says he didn't hear that from Lex, and he was with him the night before. Cough just napping cough. Lana explains about Lex waiting at her apartment and how he acted like a different person. "Maybe he was," Clark says mysteriously. Lana asks if Lex is having another psychotic break. They can't keep track of Chloe's attitude toward Lex, but they can continue to remember to bring up his "psychotic breaks." Clark says it's more complicated than that. And twice as sexy. Lana takes us back to waters that have been charted years ago: she says it's always the way when you think you know someone, but there's a side you don't see. BO-ring! Clark takes the hint, as well as a deep breath. He says Lana's seen him at his worst. "And at your best," she says. So what was her point, exactly? "Lana," Clark begins, but the cell phone that he conveniently owns or doesn't own, depending on the situation, interrupts. Clark answers it without excusing himself. It's Chloe.
Chloe, at her desk at The Torch, is looking at her computer screen, which, sadly, is green, but not an Alienware model. She tells Clark she's looking at surveillance footage from the hospital. I guess they don't have surveillance in the rooms themselves, or she could see EvilLex murdering Sinclair. Chloe reveals what we already knew: that she was with EvilLex while Clark was with PansyLex. Clark asks about "the time stamps." Clark doesn't know what the fuck a "time stamp" is! Come on! Chloe is forced to say, "Looks like our favorite billionaire has one hell of a split personality." Clark thinks the dialogue is stupid, too: "Yeah. Thanks," he says glumly. Clark turns to Lana. The scene ends abruptly.
We cut to a flaming fireplace. A flaming billionaire stabs it with a poker. The levels, people! So many levels! "Lex," Clark says, as he enters the room unannounced. Crack security team as ever, sir. Clark says he needs to talk to Lex. "This is important," Clark announces, for no really good reason. Lex says he always has time for a friend. "What did we talk about last night?" Clark asks. Lex says they talked about a lot of things. Antiquing in New Hampshire. Getting some legislation passed in Colorado. ACTing up. Also, the future and making the world a better place. "And then you started to feel sick," EvilLex says. He mentions that Clark said it was from the apple. Clark totally falls for the ruse and says, relieved, "That's right." Lex asks what this is about. Clark says he wanted to be sure who he's talking to. "What?" EvilLex asks, pretending to be perplexed. This would be a lot more suspenseful if we didn't already know which Lex it is that Clark is dealing with here. Clark tells Lex that someone murdered Dr. Sinclair. EvilLex asks who would do that. "Well, you would," Clark says. He shows Lex a printout of the "time-stamped" surveillance images. Clark says it was someone who looks like Lex. Clark tells Lex that Chloe pulled them off the hospital system. "How is this possible?" Lex asks. Clark tries to explain. Still playing dumb, the better to communicate with Clark, he asks if this Lex is some kind of copy. "I think he's a part of you that split off," Clark concludes. Lex leaves the room to put a security team together. He tells Clark to get Chloe and meet him at the lab. Uh, trappy much? Clark asks how he knows it's the real Lex. "Well, we could always try a secret handshake," Lex says amiably. A fluid sample, perhaps? Don't worry, Clark's already got one. Lex says that he thinks Clark knows him better than anyone. He promises to put an end to the whole thing tonight. Ominous.
Chloe and Clark have stupidly agreed to meet EvilLex at the lab. Alone. Lex tells them he put a team together. Clark asks if they can do anything to help. Well, you can show up alone to spring the delicious trap of -- er, no, nothing, really! Just hang, dudes. Lex takes a phone call. He says something good just happened. He tells them to stay right there and this will soon be over. He asks them to keep an eye out for his security people. Lamest trap ever. Chloe pokes around. Clark asks what she's doing. "Snooping where I don't belong," she says, "thinking of making a career out of it." Clark wants to stay where he is. Chloe asks how Clark can be sure it's really Lex. Shouldn't they have had this conversation before showing up and endangering themselves? Clark says he was careful. "I think I know my own friend," he says defensively. Chloe asks how many times Lex has done something underhanded that Clark didn't expect. How many times has Clark done that? Chloe blah blahs about secrets and hidden sides. This is really a Lana speech, if it were whinier. Chloe lectures Clark about sharing secrets with someone lest you spend your life all alone. Clark snoops and uncovers some glowing purple rock. He recoils. Chloe opens a locker. "Clark!" she calls. There's a guard in there, looking somewhat dead. Just then, EvilLex pushes the button on his trap! Go, Wile E. Coyote, go! A huge elevator-looking piece of metal crashes down, falling on Clark and Chloe. Clark dives on Chloe to protect her. Sparks fly. "Situation contained," EvilLex says. He stops as he hears something moving. He looks back to see Clark moving the giant pieces of metal off of himself and Chloe. "Chloe. Chloe," Clark says, pulling back her hair. She's unconscious and has a scratch on her face. Lex leaves the room. He seems to have figured something out…what could it be?
Commercials. The Burger King is scary. But not as scary as his ginormous breakfast sandwich.
Kent Farm at night. Bypassing the hospital for once, Chloe is being treated for her recent trauma with…a glass of water? Where's Bo and MamaKent? Clark asks if she wouldn't want to go to the hospital. She says that worked out really well for Dr. Sinclair. She insists she's fine. She asks Clark how she survived everything falling on her. Clark says the last thing he remembers is grabbing Chloe and diving underneath a lab table. "Good thing our ex-quarterback moves so fast," she says. You know, he probably could have used his super-speed there. Why didn't he? "Not fast enough," Clark says, pulling back Chloe's hair sweetly to reveal one of her bruise-decorated cuts. Chloe smiles brightly as she moves his hand away. She says she can live with a few bruises. But what about your heart, Chloe? What about your heart? Chloe says Clark's always there for her. She hopes she can be there for him, too, someday. Clark wants to make sure she's safe. She suggests staying at the military base with Lois. Chloe jokes that getting between Lois and IRONSIDE! may be just as dangerous. Chloe graciously pretends not to worry about Clark's own safety, given that Lex is trying to kill them. She tells Clark to be careful and leaves. ALONE. Jeez. These kids never learn.
Action Clark! Clark enters the barn, talking in a very deep voice into his cell phone. He tells the person on the other line to be careful: "Lex really isn't himself. He's more dangerous than we thought." Clark finishes the call with Lana. "Is that what you think of me, Clark?" EvilLex says. He's up the stairs, waiting. Sneaky man! EvilLex jokes that he thought they were friends. Clark super-zips upstairs. "Where's Lex?" he asks. EvilLex suggests himself. Clark says the real Lex would never try to kill him or Chloe. EvilLex says, hilariously, "You're probably right…but he's thought about it!" Very, very funny. EvilLex says that every time those darn kids have meddled, Lex has thought about killing all of them, but never had the guts to go through with it. "What are you?" Clark asks. Lex asks Clark the same question. "I was lucky," Clark says, of the incident in the lab with Chloe. EvilLex says Clark is much more than that. Blah blah about that first day on the bridge, how Lex always had suspicions. Feels like old ground, doesn't it? Lex concludes his little speech about Clark's "powers and abilities beyond those of mortal men." "You lied to me for years, Clark," Lex says. Finally. Something rings true. "I don't know what you're talking about," Clark lies, again. "Don't!" Lex yells, angrily. "I should have figured it out a long time ago," he says. He says all the pieces were there, but he was blinded by friendship. He says it's a factor that's been removed from the equation. Clark says whatever Lex is planning, he'll be stopped. Lex says that Clark is going to join him. "My intellect, your powers…together we could rule this world! We'll rule as gods among men!" Clark says they're not gods. He's not even sure Lex is human. "Are you?" EvilLex asks. Touché. Clark asks if the real Lex is still alive. "I am the real Lex!" EvilLex yells. "Is he still alive?" Clark insists. "Sort of," EvilLex answers. EvilLex does the classic villain bit where he reveals that he's keeping PansyLex hidden somewhere. Why would he tell Clark all this? EvilLex reveals what he'll do to GoodLex: "Maybe torture him a little when I'm feeling blue." EvilLex is suddenly too good for this show. Clark super-zips over and grabs EvilLex by the neck. "Where is he?" he yells. Clark suddenly falls and feels sick. EvilLex is sporting a Kryptonite ring. Nice! He puts it on his pointing finger. ExilLex offers a new future together. "I'll never join you," Clark Skywalkers. Lex says he will, or everyone he loves will suffer. He smacks Clark, launching him out of the loft, through some plywood and onto the ground outside.
Bo and MamaKent finally show up. They find Clark beaten up and bloody. Lex is coming down the barn stairs. "I'm guessing that doesn't happen very often," he says. Bo is angry. Lex pulls a gun. He praises the Kents for keeping their secret for so long. He suggests maybe the Luthors and Kents have something in common. Bo notices the ring. "Yeah!" Lex says suddenly. This guy's awesome. "I knew about green meteor rock!" MamaKent asks what he wants. "The world, Mrs. Kent," he says. Lex insists they talk some sense into Clark before something bad happens. Something bad happens. He shoots Bo right in the knee! Daaaaamn! That's cold-blooded! "Like that," EvilLex says. Clark goes after him but is kept at bay by the green ring. Lex tells Bo that he was right all along. "I am the villain of this story," EvilLex says. Uh, all right. Whatever you say, Evil Nasty Meany. Clangy music plays us to commercials.
Jade Empire. 9.9-rated. No word yet on what it'll do to your nibblies.
Smallville Medical -- oh, god-dammit! "Two Lexes," Bo Duke is saying. Make it one Lexus and a scooter bike. Bo Duke is suffering from a GSW, yet there are no cops asking him questions. Curious. "How the hell did that happen?" Bo is asking. The two Lexes? The Lexii? Lexum? Lex(2)? Lex x 10(2)? ["'Lices'? 'Leges'? Sorry, Latin geek moment." -- Sars] Clark explains that he thinks Lex was affected by black Kryptonite. Which is sad for Clark, because once you go black Kryptonite… "How did Lex get a hold of black Kryptonite?" MamaKent asks. Black Kryptonite Tail magazine? Clark says he thinks Lex accidentally created the "Black K." Solid. Clark suddenly realizes how he can put the plural of Lex back together. "Hooow?" Bo asks, sounded pretty exhausted by all this plot. Clark sputters about another Lex being held captive and…oh, he's out the door already. Bo and MamaKent don't even bother to try to keep up with this one.
Clark super-zips into the Lair of Lex (er, Lairs of the Two-Lex?). Clark uses his supersonic ears to hear Lex grunting. Clark knows the sound well.
We cut to PansyLex, throwing punches in the air against his shackles. He's still iron-masked. Clark takes a moment to enjoy the grunting, then super-zips to find GoodLex. He unbinds him. Removes the mask. Sweaty, but good. PansyLex tries to warn Clark to get out. Just then EvilLex walks up with his green ring. He tosses Clark toward some boxes. Even with his diminished powers, that doesn't look like it would hurt too much. EvilLex calls Clark predictable for coming to the rescue. GoodLex stands up suddenly. "Leave him alone!" he says. Leave him to…uh…US! EvilLex says he's starting to hate the sound of his own voice. He elbows GoodLex in the face. GoodLex goes down. And not in the good way. EvilLex tells Clark he offered him greatness. He wants Clark to remember this day. Clark tries to punch, but EvilLex catches his fist. EvilLex wants Clark to remember that despite all his powers, one man was able to beat him. He smacks Clark across the face. EvilLex spots a sword. "Maybe this was always our destiny," he says, "how sad." He swings the sword. GoodLex strangles him in mid-swing from behind. "Let's see what happens to me if you die," GoodLex says. They struggle. EvilLex elbows GoodLex again. "You can't kill me!" he yells and punches GoodLex in the gut. "I drive you!" More punching. "I give your life meaning!" Screaming: "I'm your soul, you weak, pathetic little man. I'm the real Lex Luthor!" Yikes! EvilLex screams, about to punch GoodLex in the face with his ring. Clark eyejaculates at the dual Lexes (that's gotta be straight out of somebody's fan fic) and aims at the ring. The ring swirls and turns purple. EvilLex starts to scream. The bodies of the Lexes start to shake and shimmy in CGI. They come together, and just past each other. The bodies writhe and scream. There's a blinding white flash. A single Lex is left on the floor. Clark goes to help. "Lex," Clark says. Lex wakes up. "It's all right. It's over now," Clark says. But is it?
Dirty-looking power plant, daytime. Clark walks up to Lex where the formerly split guy is brooding over the wreckage of the lab. Clark says it's not much to look at. "Broken dreams seldom are," Lex says, sadly. Lex thanks Clark, but says words seem too small. How about some deeds, then? Lex says without Clark, he'd have been lost. "You're a true friend," Lex says. Clark says it's too bad Lex's other half didn't think so. Lex apologizes for what "he" put Clark through. Clark asks how much Lex remembers. "Nothing, really," Lex says; he says once they divided, they were two different people. It would be smart if he were lying here. Clark suggests Lex go talk to Lana when he gets a chance. How about going to see Chloe first to apologize for trying to kill her? Oh, wait, I forgot what show I'm recapping. Sorry, Lana. Lex asks if the other guy hurt Lana. Clark says she seemed pretty upset. Lex scoffs. Clark says not to be too hard on himself. Lex says that's what he's trying to figure out -- whether the accident created an EvilLex or if that's what's inside of him. Thoughtful moment.
The Talon. Lana answers her apartment door. It's Lex. "Hi," he begins. "Hey," Lana says. Good start. Lex notes how awkward this is. Lana says she knows what happened, having heard it from Chloe. The one Lex tried to kill. Lex says he wishes he knew what the other guy did so he could apologize properly. He hopes whatever it was, they can get past it. Lana says as long as he's not kicking her out and closing the Talon…"I said that?" Lex asks. Lana adds that he expressed some desires, too. Lex shakes his head and apologizes. "It wasn't me," he says. Lana asks if he's sure. Lex says that whatever his feelings are (nooooo!), he wouldn't do anything to jeopardize their friendship. Total, total cop-out here. Lana's mouth twitches. She knows. Lex sighs. He apologizes again. Lana just nods, smiling. Lex leaves. "So am I," she says. Wait…now she likes Lex, too? Is that what she means? Oh, holy bejeezus.
Lair of Lex. Papa Luthor, sporting a bastardous business suit like the days of yore, asks if Lex is planning his assault. Lex is like, "Wha…?" He asks about Papa Luthor's cheek. Papa goes to fix himself a drink. He says the scar was a wake-up call. Lex starts to apologize for the last few days. Papa Luthor says no apology is necessary. Papa says that Lex finally proved himself to be the son he's always wanted. "I think you for showing me so clearly the error of my ways," he says. Lex asks what he's talking about. Papa Luthor pauses at the door. He says he's closing down his charitable foundation. Lex protests. "Just a foolish dream," Papa says, chuckling. "I'm awake now," he says. "A man can't deny his true nature, can he, Lex?" he asks. "No. We're Luthors," Papa says, toasting, "we're Luthors." With that he exits. Lex stares at the door for a while. Great job on the acting tip, but I'm just not buying this total character turnaround from a little scar on the cheek and a fencing match. It should be a truly bastardous moment, but it falls just short of magnificent.
And that's it! week: the Prom! Will Clark go with Chloe, Lana, or some old lady they call Lois Lane?