Let me put it this way: I have a wedding to write. A wedding that's tomorrow. Seriously. In fact, by the time this recap is done, the wedding will have come and gone, and somewhere between Lois Lane's sister on skis, and Lex and Clark becoming best friends again out of nowhere, I will have written the script to said wedding. I'll let you know how it went.
We begin the episode with some very snowy mountains. This show has fucked my sense of geography so badly that I'm not sure if this is Switzerland, Kansas, or Hawaii. Ah, thank you helpful title card: "St. Moritz, Switzerland," it reads. I'm not sure whether I should go for a Swiss Miss joke or a Ricola reference. Oh, DUDE! If you go to the Ricola Web site, the first thing that happens is you hear the guy bellow, "RIIIIICOLA!" That ROCKS! Go. Right now. I'll wait here. Cool, huh? That's one you should bookmark and just go to every day when you're feeling a little off-balance. They need to have that on the official Smallville website, only when you get there, it would say, "Kreeeeeeeptonite!"
Where were we? Oh yeah, Switzerland. Riiiiicola! Wedding! No, Smallville! Right. On point. Here we go: up in them thar mountains, we see a very pretty ski lift. A woman dressed in puffy pink coat goes to the top of a set of stairs and plants her skis. She buckles herself in. She's either a fairly decent-looking teen girl or a very pretty boy. She puts on her goggles. She pushes off and sails down the steps as loud techno music blares. It goes: "Ba dum ba duduuum. Dingadingboom." The girl in pink ski, ski, skis. Out of nowhere, some dude in black is chasing her. What staircase did he come down from? The sun shines behind them, and it truly is the ski chase from Better Off Dead. Hey, lady. Go down, that way, really fast. If something gets in your way...turn. I suddenly wonder what the street value of the snow on that mountain is worth.
The dude in black chases the girl in pink. The song is actually pretty bad-ass. It's like The Crystal Chemical Brothers Remix Power Hour up in here. Pink Ski Lady elbows the dude in black and he falls on his butt, but recovers and gets back in motion. It's awesome how much I'm rooting for this girl because the show caused me to be so emotionally invested in...wait, who is she again? Homegirl jumps on a ramp. Dude in black jumps after her. Hey, maybe that dude in black is Lane Meyer! That would be awesome. Other dudes in black give chase. They all shop at the Villain Pro Shop. You can get awesome silencers and metal teeth there. More skiing. Is that the moon behind them? And the sun? What are they, on Tatooine? Everybody sails over some big rocks. One dude in black doesn't make it, because he lands in crappy white manure. Pink Ski Lady goes on a big ski jump. Man In Black is a very tenacious skier. He's in hot pursuit. One tourist watching is like, "This is not the bunny slope. I am going to die." Lots of trees. Hey, there's Sonny Bono's scalp! Somehow, there's a tripwire between a pair of trees, and the dude in black hits it and falls. I bet that would have taken off a leg in real life. Man In Black takes off his helmet instead of continuing his pursuit. He looks really pissed off and French. Not a great combination. Pink Lady keeps sailing. Mean Guy In Black pounds the snow. Stupid, stupid snow! Instead of making a real getaway, the girl in pink stops mid-slope to make a phone call. "Hello, Savage Steve Holland? Wanna do a remake?"
“ It's like they've given up on trying to make Lois hot and are now trying to make her seem lovably insane. Shit ain't working, people. ”
Cut to the Kent home at night. Wow, when you think about it, that's a big house for broke-ass farmers. I'm surprised they can afford windows. Lois Lane is lying in a comfy-looking bed. Her alarm clock reads "3:02," likely in the AM. Her cell phone is ringing. The ringtone is the Army's own "Reveille." (You know, the song they blast in the morning to get your sorry ass out of the barracks.) Lois -- who is wearing a baby blue eyemask that reads, "Do not disturb" -- wakes up and freaks out that it's 3 AM. Wow, if you think she looks to' up during the day... Lois answers the phone without checking the number to see who's calling. "This had better be good," she mumbles. "Lo, it's me!" says the girl in pink, very far away. "Lucy," Lois says. Wow, those lines between Lois's eyebrows could easily have tripped up those skiers in black back in Switzerland. "Good news, big sis," Lucy says, but she talks so strangely that it's hard to pick up a word she's saying. Thank you, Mr. Closed Captioning. You help a brother out once again. Lucy says she's coming to see Lois in two days. No ride from the airport necessary. Lois tries to talk to Lucy, but Lucy hurriedly gets off the line. She looks scared. Lois hangs up the phone and lies back in bed. She puts her "Do not disturb" mask back on. Hope you've got some Ponce de Leon cream in there, too.
Opening credits. Yeah, I can't believe Jason's lasted this long, either. I think they're just too lazy to kill him off and change the credits.
Kent Farm, daytime. The sunflowers are bloomin'! Good thing that snow only lasted one episode. Snow is for the Swiss, I always say. I say a lot of stupid things, really. The new dog, Shelby, is lying on the floor near the Kent dining room. Wow, he got lazy and stupid really fast, huh? Lois, wearing a yellow printed apron and carrying a huge plate of...something...tells the Kent family that she hopes they're hungry. Bo starts to thank her until he sees what's on the plate. MamaKent, also at the table, offers to help by making some eggs. Lois stops her. She wants to do breakfast herself. Clark pokes around on the plate Lois serves and sees it's filled with mangled, weak pancakes. Can't Clark just whip up some hotcakes with his eyes? Lois says it's the least she can do for the family, since they're letting her stay with them. Clark says he's not hungry; he just wants some O.J. Not the criminal suit, just the civil. Lois makes him sit back down, reminding him if how important breakfast is. Not to harp on this again, but why are they making Erica Durance look so goddamned strung out on this show? She's an attractive woman. She looks good. They make her look like a damn crack fiend with the stringy hair, bad makeup, bad lighting, bad everything. It's like they've given up on trying to make her hot and are now trying to make her seem lovably insane. Shit ain't working, people. Clark shoots Lois a dirty look. Or maybe that's shared disgust. I can't really tell. "Bacon," Lois says, and takes the lid off a pot containing the charred remains of what was once pig flank. Lois admits that she's never going to make it to the Cordon Bleu. The sandwich? (Yes, yes I know. Chef school. Don't send me emails like you did last week for not knowing that there's a third dialect spoken in Shanghai that's not Mandarin or Cantonese. I still think those extras were speaking bullshit gibberish, and nobody's yet proven otherwise.) Lois says she thought that making breakfast would be less of a disaster than helping on the farm. Bo chuckles in agreement. Lois suggests ironing. MamaKent squints at her as if that suggestion struck her deep in the sternum.