House Of Flying Bullshit

S04E15

By Omar G

Props to Roger from last week for costing me $621.22 in doctor bills. Man's best friend? Try man's lawsuit.

Also, quick joke, before I forget. There've been a lot of Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon jokes flying around this week, but I thought I'd share my favorite of all time. For a sketch we did once, Nick came up with the perfect mock porn title: "Crouching Behind Her With My Balls A-Draggin'." Sheer poetry, people.

We open in the humble Kent kitchen, where MamaKent slams down a book bulging with Metropolis University porn -- pamphlets and other info about the school. "Decisions," MamaKent tells Clark. Clark assures her that major life decisions are on his to-do list. Right below "Look up 'emote' on dictionary.com." MamaKent says that Lois is out of town, so Clark has no excuse not to use his brain, for once. MamaKent, circling around the kitchen, tells Clark that deadlines are coming up for college applications. She knows it was tough for Clark to give up his football scholarship, but that he has to start thinking about his future. Cape or no cape? Curly hair swirl or not?

There's a knock at the door. Clark goes to answer. It's a package for Clark Kent, although the delivery boy makes it sound like, "Clarkette," which is even nicer. "Sign here," the Asian dude says. And also, "I'll see you later in the episode...in CHINA!" Clark signs on one of those big metal clipboards, really high in the air so we can see it, and takes the envelope. "What is it?" MamaKent asks. It's a sealed manila carrier that holds papers or photos inside. Nice cut to a reverse angle as Clark says it's from Dr. Swann.

Bo, in the living room, announces that Clark and MamaKent should come see something. They're going to take these women and give them all kinds of plastic surgery and put them all in a freakish pageant! Nely Galan is a genius! On TV, a newsperson is saying that they have breaking news from New York. Bo somehow picked up on the story telepathically before it aired. Bo also picks up something like, "Ya house...it's on...FI-YA!" from another town, but chooses to ignore it. The reporter on the news says that Dr. Swann passed away that morning. There's a fairly recent photo of Christopher Reeve (not that recent; it's from before he died). The reporter says that no other details are known. Clark stares at the TV in disbelief as sad music plays. As MamaKent and Bo also look saddened (if a little weary), the news says that Swann would be remembered as a leading philanthropist. Clark says he just talked to Swann the week before. "I'm sorry, Clark," Bo says. No hug? Pat on the shoulder? Nothing? Fine then, Dad! I'm gonna be gay just to spite you! Instead, Bo takes MamaKent's hand, because she needs the lovin'. Clark angrily tosses a tiny piece of paper from the envelope onto the coffee table. Stupid envelope lint! He says he had so much more to learn from Swann about Krypton and Jor-El. Dude, just rent the DVDs. MamaKent says that Clark can be happy for the things he did pass on. Really good ratings for one whole week, for instance.

Clark slips out the contents of the envelope. There's a small folded piece of paper and a felt midnight blue pouch, seriously the kind I get at work all the time when videogame companies are promoting their latest sword-and-sorcery RPG. They're where you hold your 20-,12-,10-,8-, 6- and 4-sided dice. Clark feels inside the pouch without opening it, then unfolds the paper. Clark reads it out loud: "Kal-El, I wish I could continue this journey with you. But now you must seek out your father. If I sheltered you from him for too long, forgive me. Jor-El sent you here on a mission. He's the only one who can help you finish it. I am returning something that is rightfully yours. I know that it will lead you to your destiny." Wait, I thought Jor-El wanted Clark to enslave humans. Swann's all right with that now? Well, he's dead, so I guess he doesn't care anymore. MamaKent and Bo exchange tortured looks. Clark opens his geekboy pouch. It's the goddamned Octagon of Omar Annoyance. (The OOA.) What, no Lord of the Rings collectible trading card? Bo looks completely pissed off and frightened, like, "Not this octagon bullshit again!" MamaKent sighs heavily. There is no escaping the ennui caused by this geometric boogeything. On the news, they're saying that Swann was looking for intelligent life from the stars (well, he found life, at least), and that his work will benefit generations to come. Close-up of the back of the octagon. Inscribed on its beautiful surface are the words "Fuck you, Omar!"

The Caves of Contrivance. A cave wall opens up to reveal the Chamber of The Three Stones of Algotharah, or whatever the fuck we're supposed to call it. The cave slides open so easily that I think Clark may have had a garage door installed. Clark circles around the stone table with the perfect shaft of modern décor lighting upon it. Clark looks at the octagon, and then inserts it into the Coin Slot of Galactic Video Poker. A huge bolt of lightning suddenly flashes in the caves, making Clark shield his beautiful face. "Not the cheeks!" he thinks. Terence Stamp, voice of Jor-El extraordinaire, tells his son he knew he would return. Clark is surrounded by electric blue Jell-O. They almost cut this scene, but the producers told the editors, "There's always room for electric blue J-E-L-L-O!" Clark asks why he was sent to find "this." The octagon? Jor-El says it's because Clark may be (note: "may be") the last survivor of a great civilization. Clark says that it can't be so great if it destroyed itself. Jor-El says that Earth's civilization will destroy itself, too, if Clark doesn't shut the fuck up and start doing what he says. Oops, Clark. Jor-El says that the knowledge of their world was encoded into three stones and hidden in different parts of Earth. By whom? Krypton goblins? Intergalactic FedEx? Nintendo of America? Jor-El says that if humans find the stones before Clark, they won't be able to resist the temptation to use them for eeeeevil, causing poverty, war, famine, and destruction. Are you sure somebody didn't already find them? Jor-El says that Clark has to find the other two stones. "The fate of the world is in your hands," says Jor-El. Oh, awesome. I was hoping the show would turn into The Legend of Zelda. The camera gets tired of moving all around Clark and his CGI soup, and things suddenly get very bright and shaky. We cut from this to the opening credits.

Commercials. I love the commercials with Gen-Xers talking about their McDonald's meal, like it's the conversational centerpiece of their day. Most people I know who eat McDonald's pick it up because they have $1.25 in their pocket and no time to get anything else. Then they scurry to their desk at work and eat it in a corner near the wall so nobody will see the crap that they're putting into their bodies. But the smell always gives them away.

The Talon, daytime. Inside, a phone rings. Lana hurries across a sunny room to answer it. "It's Jason," says the voice on the line. "Jason who?" Lana says playfully. Was that...a personality? Naw, couldn't be. Probably one of them UFO thingees that Peter Jennings has been reporting on lately. Jason, somewhere urban, says, "Very funny." Lana says it doesn't sound like he's on campus. Jason says he's in Metropolis for a few days on Lex business. It's the sexy way to travel. Jason tells Lana he can't talk; he's just stepped out of a meeting. He couldn't find a quieter place to make a call? Lana asks if Lex is with Jason. "No, I'm solo," says Jason. Jason wasn't planning on going solo, but Lex forgot to wake him up before he went-went. Lana says that Jason had better stay that way: "I know what happens to people when they run off to Metropolis." Nice, Lana. Bring up the ex-boyfriend for no good reason. An Asian dude comes into the shot and yells, "Quai-hot!" Lex is, yes. Jason grabs the phone in total annoyance that his cover was blown. "What was that?" Lana asks. Jason says he has to go. "Goodnight," he tells Lana, who is standing in sunlight. Jason winces after he hangs up, realizing his mistake. Lana looks at the phone, puzzled. Not from his "goodnight," but because she's not even sure if she's still dating this guy or not.

Jason walks off, and the camera pulls back to reveal China if it were the sex city main square from Minority Report. There's even a giant search light pointing down the street. Jason's phone rings. Lex is on the line. Lex asks Jason if maybe he skipped out on him. Jason says that "something came up" (heh), and that he had to leave work early. Lex asks whether Jason left to catch the flight to Shanghai. "What?" Jason asks. Lex tells him to turn around. Lex is on a cell phone. "Can you touch me now?" Lex, looking a little pissed off, walks up to Jason and asks whether he really thought Lex would let him into his life without keeping tabs on him all the time. Lex tells Jason sternly that he knows Papa Luthor gave him a map, and he knows Jason followed it to a temple. But if Jason thinks he's going to find it without Lex...well, that's just being a dumb employee. "Let's go," Lex says. He knows a great place where they serve hot boys on the half shell.

Kent home at night. Bo is lecturing Clark about not going back down into the caves. He knows that Clark was trusting Swann's message, but, Bo bellows, Swann doesn't know Jor-El the way they do. Yeah, Clark seems to have forgotten that Jor-El gave him a nasty scar and fucked Bo up pretty badly. But hey, Swann says he's a good guy, so.... Clark says he hasn't forgotten, but that he's afraid of what'll happen if they keep ignoring Jor-El. Clark says that Jor-El doesn't have Clark's best interests at heart. Clark counters that Jor-El has never lied to him, and that maybe the trials he's been put through were preparation for finding these stones. No, that was the tutorial mode where they show you what buttons to press to do the Power Leg Sweep. MamaKent whines that ever since they started ignoring Jor-El, it's like they got the old Clark back. I can't even remember if she means pre- or post-asshole. Clark seems almost offended by that. He says that he's tried to play football and be normal, but, "the truth is, [he's] not." Clark says he already let one of these stones slip through his hands. But enough about Lex. Let's go find some power-ups! The camera restlessly circles the room, following Bo as he bitches that they have no idea what to expect if the stones are brought together. Another "farewell" tour? Clark stands up. He says that if he doesn't find them, someone else will. They're preeeeecious. Close-ups of everyone in the room. Yeah, I know what these people look like. Can we move on?

Lair of Lex. Papa Luthor, wearing a comfy-looking casual shirt, is cutting open some oranges with a fancy knife. Best mimosas ever! Lana Lang walks in. Papa Luthor greets her warmly and guesses that she's looking for her boyfriend. Lana says she was hoping Lex could help find him. She hasn't been able to reach Jason on his cell. Papa Luthor says he imagines reception would be shoddy in Shanghai. I thought China had a better cell-phone infrastructure than land-line structure. But what do I know? I don't write the show. Papa Luthor says that Lex is in Shanghai and he's guessing Jason is there with him. Covered in butter. Papa, acting all innocent, says he figured that Jason would have told Lana that. He says he expected that since Lana was the one "born right into the middle of all this." The Benevolent Bastard says that Lana should know how thoroughly Lex and Jason have been studying her rebellious ancestor. "Looks like they're not the only ones," she tells him. Papa Luthor looks momentarily dumbfounded.

Papa Luthor goes to retrieve something from a shelf. He explains that Isabelle's arch-rival was a duchess named Gertrude. Ew, Gertrude. He opens a little wooden box as he tells Lana that Gertrude was obsessed with finding three stones. He says she sent agents all over the world, but only ever found a map of a place in China. Lana asks what the map has to do with Isabelle. Papa Luthor says that the map never made it back to the duchess. Isabelle hid the thing, so the duchess had "the exquisite young sorceress" executed. Did he just call her "exquisite"? Oh, Mylanta. Papa Luthor says that Isabelle is still looking for the stones, working through Lana, who is a vessel. If by that you mean she's empty, then I think we can agree. Papa Luthor says he gave a copy of the map to Jason. He also put flyers all over campus. Best Chinese keg party ever! Papa Luthor asks Lana if she knows that Jason is a direct descendent (nice they got it right this week) of Gertrude. No, but all of us knew. Come on, show, get us out of here already! Lana stares at the map. She wants to cry, but doesn't know how.

The Barnness of Mournitude. Clark is looking even mopier than usual, sitting on a couch up in the loft and reading the cover of a magazine. He's been reading that cover for about thirty minutes and he's still on the line with the week it was published. Clark walks across the loft to lay the magazine down. It's the Time "Man of the Year" cover showing a young, hale Dr. Virgil Swann. to where Clark lays the magazine are cave symbol photos. Clark stares at a photo of the symbol of the shaft and two balls ("I must make sense of this shaft and two balls!") identical to the tattoo on Lana's back.

We cut to said tattoo as Lana leans over. She's packing a suitcase in her apartment. Clark suddenly appears, asking, "Going somewhere?" I really wish Lana had screamed and gone, "AAAGGGHHH! GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!" She doesn't seem the least bit scared that her ex-boyfriend just appears out of nowhere as she's putting underwear in her bag for her trip. She does look a little annoyed, though. "China," she answers. Clark asks if she's serious, wondering if she's Chinese all of a sudden. She says she's serious as well as freaked out and mad about everything. He asks what's going on. Lana asks what part: the tattoo on her back, the witch she's harboring, or the part where Jason and Lex took off with a treasure map behind her back. It's always about Lana's back, isn't it? Lana, really building up some steam here, says that she and Jason were supposed to figure this out together, but that he has a limited grasp of the word "we." Maybe he thought you were speaking broken French. Oui oui! Clark, for no good reason, wonders whether Jason has a good explanation for being dishonest. He asks if Jason doesn't deserve a chance to explain. Well, he's not answering his cell phone, really. I hate to take Lana's side, but every time she's confronted him with the truth, he's run off and broken up with her. Lana says she's not going to let Jason lie to her, even for a good reason. So instead of just cutting him out of her life, she's flying to China. Good call. Lana says that Papa Luthor made her arrangements to fly there on the LuthorCorp jet (the one Lex flew out there? Wouldn't it still be in China?), and that she knows Papa Luthor can't be trusted. She says she was given the name of a professor who might be able to help. Professor Mario and his teaching assistant, Luigi. "Well, then, I'm going with you," Clark says, out of nowhere. Clark will totally blend right in. Lana tells Clark she's not going to drag him into this. "I'm not letting you go alone," Clark says. That's kinda creepy, dude.

Shanghai! Oriental setting. And the city don't know about the Lex that it's getting. The crème de la crème of the HoYay! world, in a show with everything and Yul Brynner's bald head. Jason and Lex are still walking around the streets. Lex tells Jason that Papa Luthor can't be trusted. Is there anybody in the world on this show that doesn't already know this? Jason tells Lex that he's not working for Papa, nor anyone else. Lex asks why the stones are important to Jason. Jason says that Lana won't be safe until they're found. "Safe from what?" Lex asks. Jason: "From my mom. From Lionel, from you? I don't know -- you tell me, Lex." Lex looks over and sees some tiny thugs. He says that unless Jason hired his own Chinese security, they've hit a snag. Just then, a dude walks by wearing a SARS mask. "Run!" Lex says. Run from the SARS! The tiny Chinese guards in their wee uniforms pull out their guns and give chase. They yell out bullshit garbled foreign words: "Hacthau! Bromide! Whatchaka!" Lex and Jason run, right in plain sight in the center of the street. The guards stop and start shooting, right into the crowded marketplace. Exactly one lady screams. Jason and Lex keep running, but hit a dead end. A Hummer with a searchlight on it finds them. The guards surround them, with their maddening non-Cantonese, non-Mandarin language. "Hope ti fwou!" "Hack 'n the hock!" "Blaaaarrrrghhh!" Lex wonders, "Where is my garble-to-English handbook?"

Commercials. The WB shows scenes from later in the show with the tag, "Smallville will continue." Yes, but for how long?

Man of the House. Yep, that's the University of Texas at Austin up in there. The movie was originally going to be called Cheer Up!. There's also a truth.com commercial in the form of a mock sitcom that is so stultifyingly lame that is hurts my spleen.

Aboard the Good Jet Lolli-Lex. Lana and Clark are studying what look like fresh sketches of the map and a Chinese temple. The temple has a symbol on the front: the Superman-crest-looking "8." Clark asks how Papa Luthor knew Lana was connected to the symbols. Lana says there are two answers to that: and they're both three time zones away. She's been kinda feisty this week! Clark, looking like Big Dumb American in his plaid shirt and bright red jacket, is told by Lana that he's the only person in her life without an agenda. Clark, who was just checking items off his mental agenda, licks his lips. He sighs. Clark says he's sure that, whatever's going on, Lex and Jason still care about her. She's annoyed that everyone seems to know more about her than she does. Certainly more than we do. Clark projects that it's scary when someone has a plan for you and you don't know what it is yet. Lana says that ever since she got the tattoo, she feels like she's been carrying a huge secret. A huge, visible secret. Lana says that there's something inside of her that's more powerful than what's on the surface. It's a space cockroach named Lenny who vowed to help her take over the show. So far, it's working out pretty well for Lenny. Clark projects again -- this time that people would see her differently if they knew. "How could they not?" Lana asks. Wouldn't this be a good time for Clark to reveal his secret, given that they're both in the Freak Population now? Lana asks what Clark's parents said about his coming to China. Clark didn't tell them. He left a message. Doofus. Lana, rubbing behind her ear, tells Clark it's funny that she ended up trusting Papa Luthor and Clark. Not ha-ha funny. More like, "Things that make you go...'blaaarrghh.'" Extreme close-ups. Lana almost succeeds in not looking directly at the camera.

Chinese temple! Lex is in a two-man cell with his homie Li'l Half-Dead. Er, Jason. There's a single window and no furnishings. Jason asks his "boss" what they're doing there. Lex suggests that since they took the map and brought them to the temple, the thugs must be after the same thing. Cheap Shanghai ass? Jason says -- and I'm not making this up, "You're pretty anxious to make me your sidekick, aren't you?" Hey, if the chaps fit, Tonto. Lex asks if they shouldn't drop the secrecy and work together to get out of there. Right about here was where I figured out that Lex set this whole thing up to make Jason give up some information. Jason suggests that Lex spill his guts first. Lex agrees: his father had every inch of the temple scoured (scrubbing bubbles!) and didn't find anything. Lex says that Jason wouldn't have come to Shanghai if he didn't know the secret to reading that map. Jason says he lied to Lana to protect her. Lex calls Jason, skeptically, Lana's new self-appointed hero. "She seems to have a way of attracting them," Lex says bitterly. Jealous much? Lex looks at the wall, where some of the cave symbols are drawn in chalk. Close-up of the back of Lex's head. Fans go, "Lick!" Lex thinks Jason is either being used by his mother or Lex's father. Lex suggests that neither one would hesitate to sacrifice Lana. "In the end I have a feeling I may be the one protecting Lana from you," Lex says. Jason scoffs, and then raises his eyebrows mockingly at Lex. Do not mock Lex with your eyebrows! Lex sighs. The guards come in noisily, and somehow Lex is too deaf to notice. He gets whipped with a heavy belt on the back for not noticing. He falls. Another guard yells gibberish and points a baton at Jason, who is scared of batons. Lots more stupid yelling: "Yu-gi-oh! Flatdown! Pachanga"! They drag Lex off. Jason is left alone in the cell.

Chinese marketplace. SARS Mask Guy is now riding a moped. Clark and Lana -- the two most conspicuous Americans in Asia since Kareem Abdul-Jabar filmed scenes here with Bruce Lee -- stand around looking goofy. Clark says it's hard to believe that they were surrounded by corn stalks that morning. Lana says they're definitely not in Kansas anymore. I sigh in defeat. "How are we supposed to find this Professor Sen?" Clark asks. Just then, a dude on a bike rushes by and Lana dodges, landing in Clark's arms. They hug in a very overly rehearsed way. And yes, I know it's supposed to mirror how Lana met Jason, and, what the fuck ever. The camera zooms in as they look at each other. It's not exactly "Love, love, LOVE!" It's more, "Blah, blah BLAAAAAH!" Lana breaks the hug and says that Papa Luthor told them to go down this street and look for the green rooster. So they're following Jason's and Lex's footsteps in looking for cock, then? Clark doesn't know if they should trust this woman they haven't even met yet. He wonders if they can do it on their own. Lana says she didn't know Clark spoke fluent Mandarin and knew his way around Shanghai. That's all right. The extras don't know Mandarin either.

Clark and Lana both turn and see a round green sign with a rooster on it. Standing below it is an attractive Asian woman in a form-fitting black leather jacket. "Ta-da!" it seems to say. She says she's glad "you guys" made it here safely. A little rule about using non-native-English speaking guest actors, folks: don't give them the same dialogue to speak that you would a person who speaks perfect English. They end up pronouncing things phonetically and it looks and sounds ridiculous. Professor Sen looks around nervously as she asks them to take out the map in broad daylight in the middle of the street. She says she never really believed it existed. This folded-up piece of paper that's been in Clark's pocket and now smells like peanut butter? She says that treasure hunters have searched for this map. In Clark's pocket? Clark says that the treasure seems to exist near a fork in a river. Sen says there's no river where the map points to. She says that the symbols do match the symbols on a temple wall. A little louder please -- the fish salesman around the corner didn't get all of that. She tells them there's "no mistaking" that symbol. Clark asks if it's the only temple with the symbols. "On this continent anyway," she says in a weird non-inflection without the comma that made me have to follow it on the closed captioning. See? Keep it simple, folks. Here's another one: "There's a myth that claimed an all-powerful God that came from another world and hid a treasure there." Wha? The God, she says, left a map there, but the map was stolen. By Koopa, the spiked turtle. And European bandits. "As far as we know," she concludes, "they never found the treasure." If no one ever found the treasure, how can you know someone else didn't get it and run off with it and nobody noticed? Clark looks really tired from following all that dialogue. "Can you take us to it?" Lana asks. To the European bandits? They're all dead now, but -- oh. Yes. Of course. "But don't show this to anyone," Sen says, waving the map around for all to see. Treasure hunters, she says, have killed for this map -- UGH! I just got shot by a treasure hunter! Damn my loud over-enunciation and lack of discretion! No, not really. But that's what should have happened. Sen gives Clark back the map. He sticks it in his loose jacket pocket. Sen walks off and says something, but even the closed captioning can't figure out what it was. This really is pretty silly, huh?

Jail cell from Midnight Express. Lex is thrown back into the cell, all beaten up. He flies right into Jason's arms. Baby! Jason is then roughly taken himself. They look at each other as Jason is pulled away. "Lex!" he cries. Gayest Look of the Episode. Easily. One guard touches Lex's chest repeatedly. Ding dong! Lex calls to Jason to tell them whatever they want to know. "It's not worth dying over!" he yells. Lex licks his bloody lip and wipes at it. "Just scare him," he tells the lone guard. "Find out what he knows, but don't hurt him." The guard nods. He walks away. Another guard pops right up, with a sexy George Takei voice. "I'm sorry, Mr. Luthor," he says, smoothly. He says he can't make such a promise. Haven't we seen this guy before? Lex is mad. "We had an agreement," he says. Mean Takei says there are people with more money than Lex. Damn you, Paris Hilton! The mean guard pokes Lex in the stomach with a stick. Lex doubles over in pain. The guards lead Lex away as he struggles. He yells that he never wanted anyone harmed. He's dragged down a dank hallway.

Commercials. Another preview for what's later in the episode. Flying kung fu bullshit. I was really trying to figure out at this point how they were going to get from here to that. It turned out not to be so perplexing.

Uh oh. Love come quick. Love come in a hurry. There's thieves in the temple tonight! And they're named Clark and Lana. Sen is telling them that during the Cultural Revolution, the government destroyed lots of temples, but not this one. She says that villagers have been afraid to cross the threshold lest the God return as He promised. Got all that? More interestingly, Luke Perry is guest starring on What I Like About You, according to a crawl on my screen. Important music plays as Clark looks around the temple. Clark sees a big circular shape in a wall with a Superman crest right in the center. He uses his X-ray vision on it and sees a treasure of some sort inside. Lana asks if he found something. "Just more symbols," he says. He suggests that Lana and Professor Sen go search by themselves while he commits mischief in here. Sensilkily walks sideways as she says, "This way." Lana walks normally, but Sen wanted her to walk her way. Clark watches them leave, all obvious, and then gets down to business. He goes over to the circular part of the wall and pushes, and then moves aside a giant round covering. Yeah, I'm sure Papa Luthor's people had no idea anything was up with that huge indentation in the wall. Clark looks inside. There's a very nice shirt on display, propped up by an ancient mannequin from before there was a Gap. Above it is a papier-mâché mask made just that day, with bulging Radio Shack eyes. The eyes suddenly grow bright green. Clark moans. He falls to the floor. Yeah, nice move there, Clark.

Meanwhile, Sen and Lana are trying to walk sneakily through the temple, but it just looks like the most obvious slow walking in the world. They hear a noise. A door suddenly opens right in front of them. "Run, Lana!" Sen yells. The guards yell gibberish. One of them shoots Sen and tosses her aside. See ya, Sen. Lana falls on the floor. A guard yelling, "Ginkgo!" points a gun at her. His gun is smoking. And his baseball cap's not bad either. He notices part of the tattoo on Lana's back. The main thug puts his gun away and pulls up Lana's shirt. "Gow! Hung!" he yells, which means, "I'm making this shit up, really," in Bullshit Mandarin. We see Sen lying dead on the floor. Glad we introduced that new character and got fully invested into her existence.

The Chamber of Bad Masks. Clark is still cowering on the floor.

A torture chamber. No, it's not the Smallville Medical Center, it's an actual torture chamber. Jason and Lex, bare-chested, are being tortured with electricity and sponges. This is pretty hard-core. Are you sure this is still that wholesome family gay show? Lex has blood all over his chest. Jason is getting a sponge buff/wax. "Backa!" announces a guard. Mean George Takei says, "Tell me...where this leads to." The showers? Oh, he means the map. Jason winces. He breathes hard. Lex looks over, bleeding. Mean George Takei: "Do you really think your friend will have such strong will?" He obviously doesn't know Lex. "Badock! Washa!" More spongy-water electricity. Lex goes, "No!" and gets buzzed. "WHERE IS THE STONE!?" Takei yells. Lex shakes and growls. Like I said, this is pretty intense. More threats.

Suddenly Lana, in a white wife-beater, is brought in and made to sit in a chair. She's strapped down. "Lana!" Jason yells. Suddenly, he's not so tough anymore. "No! I don't know anything!" Lana lies. "She has nothing to do with this!" Lex lies. Why am I suddenly on Mean George Takei's side? All these people are lying right to his face. If you got Clark in here, he'd be lying his ass off, too. "Maybe not," Takei says smoothly. Did I ever tell you I do a killer George Takei impression? I do. For reals. Takei touches the electrified sponge to Lana's arm. Lex and Jason yell louder than Lana. They're like, "ACT, DAMMIT! Come on! You're being tortured! ACT!" Lana just winces. They amp up the juice. The lights flicker. Lana's face is suddenly in a Tool video. She starts shaking and bucking with special effects. Takei is like, "I did not anticipate this."

Lana suddenly looks serene. In the enclosed space, a breeze blows back her hair. She speaks Bullshit Latin: "Metai you sai chrysanthemum. We all sai." Lana opens her eyes and they're glowing purple. She's a witch! She's Mulana! (tm Cyb.) "Liberace!" she yells. Liberace, in his grave, says, "Two shirtless guys in a Shanghai prison? Sure, why not?" The command Mulana gave frees her and shocks the guards. Good command. Takei backs away, frightened. Mulana turns and shoots a purple fireball at him. Hadouken! She is truly Chun Li up in this bitch. More wind blows through as Mulana breathes heavily. Jason and Lex breathe too as the music climaxes. You can tell this could have been where they would have put in a commercial break. "Did you really think I would let any harm come to this body I possessed?" Mulana asks, doing her bad girl strut to the two tortured gents. "You two again!" she says, smiling, to Lex and Jason, who are both thinking, "Aw, shit, this again." She calls Jason "resilient." She tells him he's earnest, but still doomed to pay for the sins of his ancestors. Lex tries to reason with her inner Lana. "And you, greedy boy," Mulana says. She tilts her head back weirdly as she holds Lex's neck and says she can only imagine what mischief he'd get into if he got the stones of knowledge. Lex grits his teeth. "Just...act...please...I'll do anything," he thinks. Mulana stops before she leaves to do the James Bond villain thing. She shows them the map and explains what they didn't know. That the map was "never a map." It was a cereal-box prize. Suckas!

Clark in the temple. Still moaning. "Lori's back!" something on my screen says. Who the fuck is Lori? "Jesse's back!" Who the fuck is Jesse? Oh. Summerland. Great. People I don't care about. Guards rush in to grab Clark. They unwisely take Clark outside the main chamber. With his strength back, Clark throws the guys thirty feet in opposite directions. "Kajagoogoo!" they yell, in perfect Mandarin. The camera spins around Clark.

Still in the cell with Jason and Lex, Mulana dons her Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. It's snazzy. Lex yells, "Clark!," which he just does randomly every day, but this time Clark is running up behind Lana and she fireballs him right in the chest. He goes flying into some boxes. Clark is unconscious. "You put up a better fight last time," Mulana tells him.

The scene we all dreaded from the previews. Mulana, in her exaggerated dreamcoat walks down the long ornate corridor as the camera worships her every high school drama production step. She's not exactly a witchy walker, is she?

Shot of Clark lying in the cell. We go to commercials.

Smallville seeeecrets. I have one: Lex's pants smell like daisies. China? Seriously? What's the most likely explanation for this episode? They had a bunch of money in the budget for "kung fu wire fighting" that was never used Chinese extras who don't speak Mandarin or Cantonese are hella cheap! The location scout thought they'd be shooting in Temple, Texas To keep the rich Superman mythology going (snicker) The planets aligned for TPTB; there was a sex tour the same week as shooting

Back at the jail cell wing of the temple, Clark wakes up. He looks a little double-chinned there. Which I guess he was, earlier. He gets up, grabs some metal cutters conveniently placed near the torture victims, and cuts Lex and Jason loose. "Clark, what are you doing here?" Lex asks before Clark cuts the chain and sends him falling to the ground. Clark says he could ask Lex the same question. But Lex asked first. Jason starts to get mad at Clark for putting Lana in the middle of this. "She's here because you lied to her!" Clark snaps at him. Pissy pissy! Lex says that Lana can handle herself right now. Jason says there's no telling what'll happen if the Countess gets her hands on the stones. Lex asks Clark if there's anything he knows that they don't. He knows how to rock the farmboy look.

"I think I found something," Clark tells Jason and Lex. Oh, put a shirt on, Jason. Clark shows Jason and Lex the red tunic and crappy mask he found earlier. He stands a safe distance back. Lex asks how Clark just stumbled on this. "What do you want me to say, Lex?" Clark asks, angrily. Uh, the truth, maybe, dumb-ass? Clark says it's obviously been here a long time. Lex and Jason both look to Clark, who's still a mile away. "Don't you want to come look at this?" Lex asks. It's fine fabric! This would make excellent bedsheets, Clark! Come look, hon! Clark just stands there giving the Radio Shack goggles the stink-eye. Jason asks Clark if he can see the map. Clark hesitates. "Let me see it," Jason says. Clark reluctantly hands it over. Jason stands over by the mannequin. He says, "This isn't a map to the temple. It's a drawing of the temple through the tree." Oh, for fuck's sake. Lex complains that since the temple is in the background, the stone could be anywhere. "What if it's not in the background?" Clark asks. Clark says the artist would have been standing right where Jason and Lex are. "What if it's located at the base of the tree?" Clark asks. I have no idea what the hell he's talking about. Nor do I care.

Jason and Lex see the same map on the garment. The map on it suddenly CGI-shifts to the real-world view of a tree with the temple framed in its fork. Mulana is already there, map in hand, having figured out what's up. She pulls red rose petals out of her pocket and spreads them while chanting, "Spectacu lapis." The Superman-8-ball symbol suddenly appears in the ground. Mist is all around. The ground suddenly fissures amusingly. A small sculpture of a horse suddenly appears from underground. It's Meteor! The Stompy Horse! Come to get revenge! Rock! Mulana looks scared. That's right, Mulana. He's gonna clobber you in the toe. The tiny horse statue has its mouth open all wide. It's hilarious. Mulana grabs the figure. She frowns at it. She takes it over to a rock and smashes it open. Bad Meteor! Mulana gets revenge instead. It's very sad. This had to be an inside joke, don't you think?

Clark, still in the temple, hears a piercing sound and covers his ears as soon as the horse is smashed open.

Mulana finds the stone, which looks more like a piece of smooth scrap metal.

Clark. Still with the piercing sound. He superzips out of the temple without being noticed by Lex or Jason, apparently.

Mulana is holding the stone in a piece of red cloth. But only for a second, because Clark zooms by and steals it. Like an idiot, he stands right nearby instead of running all the way to Nepal by now. It gives Mulana time to shoot a fireball at him and send him flying. Dumb-ass. Mulana grabs the piece from the muddy ground, again with the red cloth. It's got the 8-ball symbol on it. She covers the thing with the cloth completely and shoves it in her pocket.

The temple. Mulana walks down the same hall again. This must have been tons of fun to shoot. Clark superzips into the scene, standing in front of her. She informs him that nobody has sacrificed as much as she has for the stones. Clark says they don't belong to her. "Do you think that they were meant for you?" she snipes. She says they were left for nobody; the God of the temple hid them for his return. Mulana holds up her hands. Swords come from decorative pieces on the walls and land on her hands. She's Yoda! This is pretty damn funny. "In a godda big vamoose!" she cries. She puts the swords together and they glow electric purple. Clark is so screwed. Mulana hurls a sword at him. It flies in slow motion toward Clark. Kerpow! Right in the damn shoulder! Ouch! Clark is pinned to a column. He's bleeding. Mulana wire-flies across the room. Why didn't she demonstrate these skills the last time she was around? She can only use her martial arts when she's in China? She comes at Clark with another sword. He manages to pull the one from his shoulder. He dodges as she swings and hits the column. More sword twirling. Mulana keeps swinging at Clark and he keeps dodging. She does that little slow-motion leap in the air for no reason and they clash swords again. She leans backward and swings, spinning. I will say this about Kristin Kreuk, and it's not because she's part Asian: she looks pretty good doing this swordplay. It doesn't look completely crazy as it might if, say, Lois were doing it.

More spinning, dodging, swinging. Mulana does a leg sweep that does look totally fake and slow in how it knocks down Clark. She swings again at Clark as he lies on the ground. The swords clash. Clark kicks her away. She flies and stops herself in mid-air, landing smoothly. They face down. She twirls straight up in the air. Is she trying to escape? In Bullet Time, Clark superzips, jumps up, rips her pocket open and lets the stone fall out. It clatters on the ground. Mulana spins one more time, looking angry. Clark superzips to grab the stone, but Mulana somehow already got back to the ground and grabs his arm. There's purple light. They're both thrown in opposing directions. Mulana is back to being Lana. "How did we get away from the guards?" she asks Jason, who suddenly just appeared by her side. Clark comes over hesitantly. He sighs. "It was Isabelle," he says. "What'd I do?" Lana asks. Nobody answers. Lex comes in, his shirt all undone and bleeding. You're welcome, Lex fans. "Did you find the stone?" he asks. No, but we found your chest and it's awesome. Clark finds the red cloth on the ground, but no stone. "It's gone," he says. X-ray vision, motherfucker! X-ray vision! Everybody looks all "oh shit" at each other. Dramatic music. We go to commercials. Wait, x-ray vision! Come on! What the fuck!?

Commercials. Really this time. I'll tell you when there's a really good reason to buy a Nintendo DS. So far I haven't seen one.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch. Literally. Kent Farm. In the barn, Clark is writing his soon-to-be-classic essay, "Why I Want To Go To Central State." If I were the admissions officer at Central State, that's about as far as I'd read. Clark has that title, but that the rest of his word-processor screen is blank. He's pretty stumped. Lana appears suddenly, now making it all right that Clark snuck into her apartment before. She tells him it's hard to take college applications seriously after what they've just been through. Clark jokes that he was trying to figure out whether hidden temples and body-snatching witches fell under community service or extracurriculars. Lana says he seemed startled when she walked in. Walked in? You magically appeared like a creature from The Ring 2. Clark says he thought it was his parents. He's been avoiding them since his unauthorized trip to China. Lana sees through his bullshit. "And the real reason would be?" She strides over with her hands in her pockets. If Lana were like this all the time -- confident, a little cocky, calling people on their shit to their face -- we'd probably like her a whole lot more. It's going to take a lot of this to make up for the last three and a half years of whiny petulance, though. Clark confesses that Lana's speaking Latin and throwing guys around like toothpicks was kind of weird. Hey, at least she can speak Latin. You throw guys around like that every week. Clark says that even when the witch is gone, he still sees in Lana parts he doesn't recognize anymore. Lana starts to laugh. She says that sounds funny coming from Clark. He smiles. She says the only way she's going to put the witch and everything else behind her is to find all three of the stones. "I'm sure they'll end up in the right hands," Clark says. Lana hopes so. She says she feels like part of a puzzle she'll never understand. "Maybe we're not supposed to understand it just yet," Clark says. Most out-of-place dialogue ever. Who says things like that? Only those bucking for a Season 5. Lana nods as if that makes some sense. Clark says he thinks their lives are a lot less random than they think. "Maybe," Lana sorta agrees. She tells him goodnight and exits. Clark thinks a bit. His computer dings. He goes over to see what's up. He has mail! It's from Dr. Virgil Swann. Deathmail! From beyond!

Lair of Lex. Using his laptop. Lex logs in to LuthorCorp. On the "LuthorCorp Security Login," Lex types his username (Lex Luthor) and password (ELEMENTS). Squeee! Where's Stac(e)y when you need her? It says "Accessing LuthorCorp Intranet." Lex rubs a finger against his lip to see what he smells. Papa Luthor walks in. Lex closes the laptop, looking annoyed. Papa Luthor is really rockin' the casual wear these days. He asks Lex how China was. "Full of surprises," Lex says. Papa Luthor notices with concern that Lex was beaten up a bit. Lex says that while getting pistol-whipped wasn't fun, it's good to have the old dad back. Papa Luthor says he had nothing to do with what happened. He goes to Lex and tries to touch the busted lip, but Lex bats his hand back. Papa Luthor says he's given up the search for the stones. Lex doesn't believe him. Lex says that Papa gave copies of the map to Lana and Jason and was using them. Papa says it was Lex who was using them. He says that Lex'll do far worse to get the stones. Papa follows Lex around the desk and tells him he has a "ferocious desire" (I'll say!) to find all the answers. Papa Luthor gets a little too preachy in advising Lex not to let the stones turn into his Tower of Babel. Lex says he's not trying to get closer to God. He's trying to solve the riddles He lay out for Lex. Like the riddle of sexual preference? Papa Luthor takes off his glasses dramatically and asks whether Lex ever considered that there's a reason they aren't given the answers. Papa says it may be to humble them. "Knowledge comes from finding the answers, yes," Papa says, "but understanding what the answers mean is what brings wisdom." Papa says that men who didn't understand the distinction have been the ruin of some of the world's greatest civilizations. Now, how hard is this? This is way more interesting than some teen girly's Chinese tattoo. Lex asks if that's why Papa Luthor stopped looking for the stones -- because he's afraid? Papa chuckles. "I stopped because I realized even if I find the three stones, I'm not going to really find what I'm looking for. Neither will you," he tells Lex. Lex's mouth twitches. And not in the good way.

The Talon at night. Jason is at Lana's apartment door. She's still pissed. He asks if he can come in. Lana leaves the door open and walks away. Lana pours some tea. Chinese, please? Jason apologizes for lying. Lana says she doesn't know which lie he's apologizing for. Lana sips her tea. Jason tells Lana he didn't tell her about China because he didn't want to endanger her. Jason reminds Lana of the torture chair as a justification. He says, "You have to believe me." "Give me one good reason," Lana says. He agrees. He lays out a red piece of cloth and displays the missing stone on her table. "Is that good enough?" he asks. Bling bling! Lana's eyes light up. Jason says he saw it while Lana and Clark were knocked out. He mailed it to himself. (Way to trust the postal service with one of the world's most precious artifacts, ass.) Lana asks if he told his mom. "I got it for you," he says. Jason says he only cares about protecting Lana. He didn't directly answer the question, though. Lana just stares at the stone. "Blink twice if you can understand me," he says. Lana turns to him. She blinks twice. They both smile. Lana was never going to be happy unless somebody gave her a shiny rock. And that tells you everything you need to know about Lana.

Kent kitchen. "Well...I do hope you brought us a souvenir," says Bo as Clark walks in. Here we go. Clark acts like the victim and says he didn't have any choice. Bo asks Clark to tell them at least that the second stone is safe in the cave with the other one. Uh. Sorry, Bo. Clark says he had the stone in his hand, but lost it. MamaKent asks why the stones are surrounded by Kryptonite if they're meant for Clark to find. Good question. Clark wonders the same thing. He brings up the email he got from Swann before he died. Clark uses words like "resources," "disposal," and "futile," which I don't buy at all. Clark says he was Swann's last hope. So Swann asked Margot Kidder to give Clark the one stone he did find. Clark says he called her phone, and all her lines are disconnected. Maybe because the producers pissed her off and she stopped answering their calls. Clark says that nobody claims to know her. "It's like she never existed," he says. On this show? He's right. Everybody stares at each other. See ya, Margot Kidder.

The Caves of Contrivance. Clark stares at the stone table. "Kal-El, you must write your own destiny," says the disembodied voice of Christopher Reeve. The camera cranes up to the ceiling as Clark keeps staring. Aaaaaand...scene.

week: oh, nice, let's add more cast members and complications. And while we're at it, let's bring back Lois Lane to annoy us some more. See ya then, true believers.