Lucy Goosey

S04E16

By Omar G

Let me put it this way: I have a wedding to write. A wedding that's tomorrow. Seriously. In fact, by the time this recap is done, the wedding will have come and gone, and somewhere between Lois Lane's sister on skis, and Lex and Clark becoming best friends again out of nowhere, I will have written the script to said wedding. I'll let you know how it went.

We begin the episode with some very snowy mountains. This show has fucked my sense of geography so badly that I'm not sure if this is Switzerland, Kansas, or Hawaii. Ah, thank you helpful title card: "St. Moritz, Switzerland," it reads. I'm not sure whether I should go for a Swiss Miss joke or a Ricola reference. Oh, DUDE! If you go to the Ricola Web site, the first thing that happens is you hear the guy bellow, "RIIIIICOLA!" That ROCKS! Go. Right now. I'll wait here. Cool, huh? That's one you should bookmark and just go to every day when you're feeling a little off-balance. They need to have that on the official Smallville website, only when you get there, it would say, "Kreeeeeeeptonite!"

Where were we? Oh yeah, Switzerland. Riiiiicola! Wedding! No, Smallville! Right. On point. Here we go: up in them thar mountains, we see a very pretty ski lift. A woman dressed in puffy pink coat goes to the top of a set of stairs and plants her skis. She buckles herself in. She's either a fairly decent-looking teen girl or a very pretty boy. She puts on her goggles. She pushes off and sails down the steps as loud techno music blares. It goes: "Ba dum ba duduuum. Dingadingboom." The girl in pink ski, ski, skis. Out of nowhere, some dude in black is chasing her. What staircase did he come down from? The sun shines behind them, and it truly is the ski chase from Better Off Dead. Hey, lady. Go down, that way, really fast. If something gets in your way...turn. I suddenly wonder what the street value of the snow on that mountain is worth.

The dude in black chases the girl in pink. The song is actually pretty bad-ass. It's like The Crystal Chemical Brothers Remix Power Hour up in here. Pink Ski Lady elbows the dude in black and he falls on his butt, but recovers and gets back in motion. It's awesome how much I'm rooting for this girl because the show caused me to be so emotionally invested in...wait, who is she again? Homegirl jumps on a ramp. Dude in black jumps after her. Hey, maybe that dude in black is Lane Meyer! That would be awesome. Other dudes in black give chase. They all shop at the Villain Pro Shop. You can get awesome silencers and metal teeth there. More skiing. Is that the moon behind them? And the sun? What are they, on Tatooine? Everybody sails over some big rocks. One dude in black doesn't make it, because he lands in crappy white manure. Pink Ski Lady goes on a big ski jump. Man In Black is a very tenacious skier. He's in hot pursuit. One tourist watching is like, "This is not the bunny slope. I am going to die." Lots of trees. Hey, there's Sonny Bono's scalp! Somehow, there's a tripwire between a pair of trees, and the dude in black hits it and falls. I bet that would have taken off a leg in real life. Man In Black takes off his helmet instead of continuing his pursuit. He looks really pissed off and French. Not a great combination. Pink Lady keeps sailing. Mean Guy In Black pounds the snow. Stupid, stupid snow! Instead of making a real getaway, the girl in pink stops mid-slope to make a phone call. "Hello, Savage Steve Holland? Wanna do a remake?"

Cut to the Kent home at night. Wow, when you think about it, that's a big house for broke-ass farmers. I'm surprised they can afford windows. Lois Lane is lying in a comfy-looking bed. Her alarm clock reads "3:02," likely in the AM. Her cell phone is ringing. The ringtone is the Army's own "Reveille." (You know, the song they blast in the morning to get your sorry ass out of the barracks.) Lois -- who is wearing a baby blue eyemask that reads, "Do not disturb" -- wakes up and freaks out that it's 3 AM. Wow, if you think she looks to' up during the day... Lois answers the phone without checking the number to see who's calling. "This had better be good," she mumbles. "Lo, it's me!" says the girl in pink, very far away. "Lucy," Lois says. Wow, those lines between Lois's eyebrows could easily have tripped up those skiers in black back in Switzerland. "Good news, big sis," Lucy says, but she talks so strangely that it's hard to pick up a word she's saying. Thank you, Mr. Closed Captioning. You help a brother out once again. Lucy says she's coming to see Lois in two days. No ride from the airport necessary. Lois tries to talk to Lucy, but Lucy hurriedly gets off the line. She looks scared. Lois hangs up the phone and lies back in bed. She puts her "Do not disturb" mask back on. Hope you've got some Ponce de Leon cream in there, too.

Opening credits. Yeah, I can't believe Jason's lasted this long, either. I think they're just too lazy to kill him off and change the credits.

Kent Farm, daytime. The sunflowers are bloomin'! Good thing that snow only lasted one episode. Snow is for the Swiss, I always say. I say a lot of stupid things, really. The new dog, Shelby, is lying on the floor near the Kent dining room. Wow, he got lazy and stupid really fast, huh? Lois, wearing a yellow printed apron and carrying a huge plate of...something...tells the Kent family that she hopes they're hungry. Bo starts to thank her until he sees what's on the plate. MamaKent, also at the table, offers to help by making some eggs. Lois stops her. She wants to do breakfast herself. Clark pokes around on the plate Lois serves and sees it's filled with mangled, weak pancakes. Can't Clark just whip up some hotcakes with his eyes? Lois says it's the least she can do for the family, since they're letting her stay with them. Clark says he's not hungry; he just wants some O.J. Not the criminal suit, just the civil. Lois makes him sit back down, reminding him if how important breakfast is. Not to harp on this again, but why are they making Erica Durance look so goddamned strung out on this show? She's an attractive woman. She looks good. They make her look like a damn crack fiend with the stringy hair, bad makeup, bad lighting, bad everything. It's like they've given up on trying to make her hot and are now trying to make her seem lovably insane. Shit ain't working, people. Clark shoots Lois a dirty look. Or maybe that's shared disgust. I can't really tell. "Bacon," Lois says, and takes the lid off a pot containing the charred remains of what was once pig flank. Lois admits that she's never going to make it to the Cordon Bleu. The sandwich? (Yes, yes I know. Chef school. Don't send me emails like you did last week for not knowing that there's a third dialect spoken in Shanghai that's not Mandarin or Cantonese. I still think those extras were speaking bullshit gibberish, and nobody's yet proven otherwise.) Lois says she thought that making breakfast would be less of a disaster than helping on the farm. Bo chuckles in agreement. Lois suggests ironing. MamaKent squints at her as if that suggestion struck her deep in the sternum.

"What's going on?" Clark asks. Lois asks what he means. Clark cross-examines her about the sudden nice act. "You want something," he surmises. Clark is so amazingly smart and intuitive. He should be on Alias with those keen skills of observation. "No," Lois says unconvincingly, "it's called being nice." "Well if you were any nicer, we'd starve," Clark says, cruelly. Funny, but cruel. "Claaaark," MamaKent purrs. She really did. Lois finally agrees that Clark is right. She starts to explain that she has a favor to ask. As she begins, we hear a door opening. "Hello? Anybody home?" a girl's voice calls. Bitch can't ring a doorbell? The girl, wearing lots of pink (Lana's heir!) comes in, scratching Shelby the dog as she comes and wheeling in a suitcase. Wow. That's a lot of makeup. Lois and Lucy hug. They do look a lot alike. I'm thinking "Before" and "After" some horrible science experiment. Clark seems very interested. Lois says that Lucy was hoping to crash there for a few days. There aren't enough crashing and fires or disaster already? Lucy says she had a sudden unplanned (really?) school break, and that she's willing to sleep in the barn. The barn is for sex and end-of-episode heart-to-heart talks only, young lady. "No, that's okay, Lois can sleep in the barn," Clark offers. Lois shoots him a dirty look. Bo and MamaKent agree to let Lucy stay. They go to "get her things set up," which isn't true because she's staying in Lois's room, which is already set up.

Clark steps forward and announces that Lois has told them "absolutely nothing" about Lucy. Nice. She says there's not much to tell. Lois says she's going to gloat, while Lucy gives Clark the slut-eye. Lois says that her sister is getting straight As at the most prestigious prep school in Europe. Lois says Lucy's fluent in three languages and getting pursued by Ivy League colleges. Do they ski and wear black? Clark is impressed. "What happened to Lois?" Clark asks, snarkily. Lois makes a crack about Clark's senses of humor and fashion. Lucy flirts some more with Clark. He asks for more dirt on Lois, and she punches Clark in the arm, hard. Lucy goes to take a shower. Lois stops her to ask if everything is all right. Lucy says that everything is perfect now that she's there with Lois. Lois looks worried anyway.

The Talon, daytime. Lana and Jason, in their grody workout clothes, have just come back from a jog. Isn't there some other entrance to Lana's apartment that doesn't involve them dragging their sweaty asses right where customers are trying to enjoy their fresh coffee? Jason accuses Lana of cheating on their last stretch. Lana jokes that she didn't think Jason would fall for the "Hey, give me a kiss while we're racing" bit. Why is Jason jogging in a black sweater? Is it dramatic improv jogging? They both rush upstairs into their unlocked apartment and are shocked, shocked to find that someone has dared to break in. Their stuff is scattered everywhere. Jason pushes past Lana to look into the bathroom. No, his stool is still in the toilet. Good. He asks Lana if anything else is missing. She checks her jewelry. It's there. Her wallet is there, too. Jason and Lana suddenly look at each other. "The stone," Lana says, worriedly. Jason checks a small box hidden under a loose piece of tile. It's empty. Oops! Lana rubs her head for bad luck. Jason asks who else could have known it was in the apartment. He points out that nobody saw him take it in China. Lana, freaking out, suggests that maybe Papa Luthor or Lex figured it out. "Or Clark," Jason says. He squints his eyes and points out that there's a side of Clark that Lana says she never knew. She meant the libidinous side. Lana changes her mind all of a sudden. She says she doesn't care about the stones. "I just want to forget they ever existed," she says, contrary to the stone-digging girl she was just last week. Jason says this isn't a bad dream you can blink away. Oh God, how I know that. "This is real life," he says, amusing me by making me remember that Chappelle's Show skit with the Wu-Tang Clan financial advisers: "This is real fuckin' life! Protect your goddamn neck, a'ight?" Jason says they have to find the stone. "No. We don't," Lana says. Finally, a voice of reason! And it's Lana's! Why am I shouting? Lana complains that their relationship has become more about chasing artifacts than about her and Jason. She goes all gooey and reminisces about when their biggest problem was trying to find a place to make out. Jason considers. Yeah, that was nice when they used to make out, he thinks. Jason, sweaty, says that Lana preferred it under the bleachers. Dirty! Lana says they can go back to those days without worrying about artifacts and the Luthors. "And Clark Kent," she adds, as an afterthought. Jason decides that's cool. "Then whoever took the stone can just keep it," he decides. He says they can concentrate on the only thing that really matters. "Us," he says. Chillingly, it is exactly what matters most on this show.

Clark in the barn. He comes downstairs from the loft to find Lucy walking over, carrying a pail of milk. "Hope you're thirsty," she jokes. She's wearing Farmer Ted overalls. They fit a little too snug for them to be Lois's or MamaKent's. Lucy says she figured she'd help out by doing the morning milking. Clark is suddenly very interested in Lucy. She confesses that she spent her last Spring Break at a farm in Switzerland. She steps toward Clark and says she figures she has to pull her own weight on the farm. That's an awful lot of makeup for farm work. You're scaring the hogs. Clark and Lucy stand there and smile at each other until Lois walks in. Clark asks if she heard what Lucy said. "I'm sorry, did you say something?" Lois says assily at Clark. Lois tells Lucy to go get changed; Lois has to go to work. Lois says she's starting today, helping MamaKent out at The Talon. Lois says that Chloe is going to be Lucy's official town tour guide...not that there's much to see. "Oh, I don't know," Lucy says, giving Clark the up-and-down look we usually associate with Lex. "So far it looks pretty good." Watch out, Luthors -- there's a new slut in town. Clark grins broadly.

Lois gives Clark the "You big chucklehead" glance. She grabs Clark by the arm and leads him away, explaining that her sister goes to a girls' school, and that Clark shouldn't let the flirting go to his head. Clark stops and tells Lois straight up that ever since Lucy showed up, she's been grumpier than normal. Clark asks if anything's up. Lois says that's the thing about sisters: you can love them without really liking them. Oh, I get it now. Lois is a complete asshole. Clark can't believe it either. Lois says the feeling is pretty much mutual. Clark backhandedly compliments Lois on not being the worst sister in the world. Lois tells Clark that when her mother died, her father didn't know how to deal with his daughters. The camera swings wildly back and forth, trying to give the illusion of movement in an otherwise inert scene. Lois tells the sob story of how her dad instituted a chain of command in their household and Lois was put in charge of Lucy. "Come on, maggot! Drop and give me twenty dust bunnies from under the bed!" "You became her mother," Clark offers. No, Clark, she became her ancestor. I think. Lois admits that she wasn't prepared. She gave bad advice like, "If you kiss a boy, you'll get pregnant." Lois could have had a bright future working for the Christian Coalition. Clark asks if that's why Lucy went to boarding school. Lois clarifies that "The General" (IRONSIDE!) gave the order. It'll be the first of many references to "The General" in this episode. Lois admits that she was jealous that Lucy got out and she didn't. Sounds like Lois got out of the house all the time just fine. Lois comes out of her sudden "Human" mode and goes back to being a cranky wee-atch. "I gotta go to work," she says, "I hear your mother's a slave driver." She says this last bit with her back turned to Clark and it looks looped in. Clark watches her go, really unsure why the hell Lois is on the show right now.

The Talon. Some WASPy lady in a yellow sweater with a matching thick yellow scarf is making a complicated order involving half-caffs and muffin tops, "no stem." Lois takes the order disgustedly and, as she walks off, mutters about what ever happened to plain old black coffee. "Two Lanes under one roof," says a black-clad Lex to his new buddy Clark Kent at the counter. "That's gotta be interesting." It sounded like he was going to make a "two-Lane highway" joke, but it didn't get that far. Clark says he hasn't had a hot shower in two days (Lex drools), the washing machine has been running non-stop, and the phone line is always busy. Nice that the girls are contributing so much money to the Kent budget. Lex blows on his lidded coffee (that wasn't for the coffee's sake) and smiles brightly at Clark, as if happy to be seeing him and socializing after such a very, very long time. They're buddies again! It's the Gayest Look of the Episode! Clark stops being pissy after that. "No, it's nice having them around," he says. Clark says it takes the loneliness out of the house. The loneliness of having two parents, a new dog, and lots of animals outside. Lex says he always hated the sound of a quiet home. All those servants and butt boys milling about. Depressing.

Just then, Chloe and Lucy walk in. Chloe ignores Clark and Lex and comments on Lois carrying a tray around. Clark compares it to a free floor show. New action figure idea: Broadway Knowledge Action Clark Kent! Chloe says she and Lucy have been getting to know each other. She found out that Lucy played violin with the Zurich Youth Orchestra. Lucy plays it off, saying it was just a hobby. Lex is very impressed. He says they have a great reputation in Europe. They're the dirtiest band-camp kids you could ever hope to meet. Clark tries to introduce Lex (as "my assmastah"), but Lucy already knows him. She saw a profile of Lex a few months ago in Fortune. She thinks his thoughts on the future of American business were intriguing. Neeeeerd! Lex doesn't know quite how to react to all the love in the room. So he suggests that maybe they jam sometime and she can see what his piano skills are like. That's one way to handle a compliment, I guess. Lex invites Lucy to drop by the mansion sometime. "Agh CRAP!" Lois yells. She dropped some dishes. Everybody smiles like it's awesome. Suddenly in the doorway, scary Swiss dude (whom I'm told was a big-deal in the Highlander TV show universe) is standing there glaring. He looks very out of place. Clark looks over suspiciously. He asks Lucy if she knows the guy staring at her. She turns to look, but he's gone. Clark is nuts. We go to commercials. Because that was so tense and intriguing.

Be Cool. Let's not.

We come back to Jewel Heist: The Bastard Got Me Diamonds! on A&E. Wait a minute, I know that formerly Magnificent but Soon-to-Be-Magnificent-Again, We Can Hope Bastard anywhere! It's Papa Luthor, and he's using a magnifying eyepiece and a tiny brush to examine an artifact. Jason walks in, unannounced, to what looks like it might be Papa Luthor's bedroom (delicious!). "Luthor," Jason says huskily, "where is it?" It's in the top drawer by the bed, but he swears he only uses it when it's cold and he's lonely! Bushy-headed Papa Luthor says that maybe Jason should tell him what he wants. Oh, you're good, Papa. You've very good. "You know exactly what it is that I want," Jason says. Is he gonna have to come right out and say it? "Give him some money!" Jason says that Papa Luthor sent him to China with that map because he knew he'd return with the stone. Jason starts rudely knocking books off of Papa Luthor's shelf. No, not the Pynchon! Ah, too late. Jason, wearing his 8 Mile hoodie, thinks it was all just a ploy. That's a damn good ploy if he's right. Papa Luthor says that if he had the foresight Jason suggests, he wouldn't need any artifacts. Ha. Jason points a finger at Papa and threatens to get with the rough stuff if Papa Luthor doesn't have the foresight to tell him what he wants to know. Papa Luthor is incredibly offended at being threatened. Jason accuses Papa Luthor of breaking into Lana's apartment. Papa assures him that breaking and entering ain't his style. Jason keeps knocking things over. Papa Luthor teases Jason, saying he'll have to go treasure-hunt somewhere else. "Good day!" he adds brightly. I said "good day," sir! Jason gives Papa Luthor the Psycho Peepers, grabs a Luthor, and throws him against a wall. Jason demands the stone or an explanation good enough to convince him Papa Luthor didn't take it. Papa starts to explain what Jason is doing to him. Jason slams him against the wall again. "Why are you doing this?" Papa Luthor whines, very Napoleon Dynamite. He asks if Jason is engaging in some elaborate act. Jason tells him not to turn it around on him. Papa Luthor rises from the ashes of goodness to deliver this magnificent moment: "I think we both know there's nothing stronger than the love between mother and son." Ooh, Jason! He's talkin' about yo mama! Papa Luthor says he's sure "Miss Lang" agrees. Jason turns and, oops, there's Lana standing right in the doorway, looking hurt. She starts to cry. Nice ploy there, Papa.

Kent home at night. Someone in very pointy shoes is sneaking down the stairs. It's an elf! Oh, it's just Lucy. She could pass for an elf, though. She tiptoes, but makes a noise right as she passes Clark, who's sleeping on the couch. She slips out through the unlocked front door. Clark sits up in his sofa-bed.

The Talon. The pointy-shoed Lucy uses a pick to break in through the front door. Why not try the alley entrance? She rolls an 18 on her lock-pick ability (she has a +3 for all thief skills, plus she's got her +1 from being a chaotic-good elf), so she makes it inside. The dessert case is empty. Sadness. Lucy goes right for the register. She sets up a mirror on the counter facing behind her so she won't get surprised. Smart! She rifles through the drawer and takes out some bills. She suddenly sees Clark's face in the small silver mirror. "I knew you had talents, but I didn't think burglary was one of them," he says. Dude, she's stealing from yo mama! Lucy insists that she was going to pay it back; she says she's not some criminal. Clark's like, "Damn, you sure act like one." Bad Afterschool Special dialogue alert: "Look, Lucy, I just don't get it. I mean, why?" Lucy: "Do you have any idea what it's like to be different from anyone else?" Oh, jeez. Lucy says she was surrounded in school by the richest kids in the world. She didn't want to be an outcast. Here's Clark's dialogue as written for an adult speaking in the '50s: "Well, I'm sure that's a very expensive undertaking. But do you really have to resort to petty theft to fit in?" Who talks like that? My God! Lucy says she maxed out her credit cards. She went to a loan shark. Clark figures it's the creepy guy who was there the other day. Clark asks how much she owes. "Fifty thousand U.S. dollars," she says. But she swears most of it is bogus interest. Clark suggests getting IRONSIDE! involved. Lucy doesn't want to ruin "The General's" perfect image of her. She also doesn't want to get Lois involved. She tells Clark that not everyone has a family like his. She asks him not to tell Lois what's going on. Lucy suggests that she disappear for a while. Clark, feeling stupidly sympathetic, tells her to stick around and keep a low profile. He offers his help. All together now: "Dumb-ass!"

Commercials. Miss Congeniality 2: Congenialitier!

So, the wedding went great. I wrote what I needed to write in the morning, showed up, and presided over sweet chaos that was actually endearing and cool. The bride wrote her vows about ten minutes before she walked down the aisle and then didn't look at them once while she spoke from the heart. I was able to work Matt Groening and the phrase "ice weasels" into the sermon, so I think it went well. Back to the recap.

The high school. Where is everyone? In the offices of The Torch, Chloe has looked up Lucy's loan shark on villainbackstory.com. He's "Marcus Becker." Clark didn't have a problem spilling Lucy's secret to Chloe, I guess. She says the dude is a bouncer at a place called Club Kronos in Germany. Das ist wunderbar club! Chloe says the whole club is a front for that kind of business. So they let the bouncer give out loans? Clark wishes Lucy would just tell Lois. "She doesn't have to," Lois says, standing in the office. Discretion, people! Geez! Lois already guessed that Lucy's visit wasn't just for some sisterly bonding. She says she's going to find this guy and they'll have a little talk. Chloe grabs Lois by the arm and tells her that before she goes all "Lifetime heroine," she needs to know that this guy could be dangerous. Clark says he knows someone who can help. Himself?

Lair of Lex. Worst violinist ever. Lex is playing the piano while Lucy stands nearby working a violin. She's not moving her hand on the strings at all and she's not moving the bow in time with the music. Maybe they inserted the song later, so the actor had no idea what it was supposed to sound like. Still: very sloppy. Lois and Clark enter the room. Lois mock-claps. Where's Chloe? Lois calls it an "excellent [fake] performance." Lex is impressed with the virtuoso. Lois starts in on Lucy, who gets mad that Clark blabbed her secret. "Lucy, I want to help you," Clark says, ignoring her accusation. "That's why I'm here." Clark accuses Lucy of hitting Lex up for money. "And what money would that be?" Lex asks. Lucy, insulted, says she didn't come over for a handout. She says she can solve the problem herself. Lucy puts her violin away while Lois asks how Lucy planned to pay this money back: "Standing on a street corner playing your violin for loose change?" Well, she will be on a street corner, but the violin won't be necessary. Lois says she doesn't want to bring "The General" (IRONSIDE!) into this. Lucy tells her to quit trying to be her mom. "Don't you dare bring Mom into this," Lois says in a low voice. Hilariously, Lex comes up and says, "Ladies. Please." How condescending is that? It's better coming from Lex, but can you imagine Clark saying that? Lex should have put a little soul into it, "Oh, ladies, ladies, ladies, PLEASE!" I swear Lex is smirking here. Clark explains about the $50,000. "Now, Lucy," Lex asks, "how does a girl like you get involved with a loan shark?" Hos and blow, Lex. Hos and blow. Lucy gets mad and says she can handle this on her own. "Fifty thousand dollars is a lot to handle, even for a big girl," says Lex. Funny. Very funny, that. Lex asks Lucy to explain what happened. He says he has the resources to deal with people like this.

Stately Luthor Manor, at night. Lex and Clark are walking down a hallway. Lex has learned that the loan sharks want Bearer Bonds, which are impossible to trace, he says. Clark is surprised Lex is willing to deal with extortionists. Lex says he's dealt with these people before; Becker's boss is head of a German crime syndicate. Mein fleigen! Lex says that the guy has been blocking his attempts to buy a Zurich hotel through blackmail and intimidation. Lex says that if he gets Becker in custody, he'll have something to squeeze them with. "So Lucy's just a pawn?" Clark asks. Dumb-ass. Lex says he has other reasons for helping her out. Lois and Lucy come down the hall. Lucy is wearing the fugliest fur boots I've ever seen, with a short skirt. The camera doesn't mind following low. Lucy tells Lex that the guy wants to meet her at an abandoned warehouse. Clark has reservations about this whole business. Lex wishes Clark would stop being such a pussy. Lex plans to deliver the briefcase himself. It's got a GPS device inside that'll lead Lex's men to them. Sneaky. Lucy says that Becker only wants her there. "Naw. That's not gonna happen," Lex says. Shouldn't they have coordinated this before Lucy talked to the loan shark? "I'm going alone," says Lex. Try not to get kidnapped and bound like you usually do.

Lex's sweet car. Lois and Lucy are riding with him. Lois complains that the $100,000 car has no back seat. The gearshift is going up her ass. "Are we there yet?" Lucy asks. Lois snaps that she always says that on any car ride. Ladies, ladies, please! Lucy complains that they're running late. "He's not the kind of guy you want to piss off," she adds. Lex says they're close. So close that a cop is stopping them. Lex drives for a really long time before stopping. "Can you outrun them?" Lucy asks. Lex says he'll handle it. He pulls over to a familiar-looking highway ramp that belongs in Metropolis. "Stay put," he tells the girls. Lex gets out of the car, which you should never do when you're pulled over. Lex says he knows the cop has a ticket quota, but asks that they speed things along. The cop should just shoot him for that. The cop tells Lex to put his hands up. Lex is surprised, to say the least. Lex tries to explain. "Sheeut up!" the cop says in a German accent. We can see his face now. It's the creepy dude. "Go get the bonds, Mr. Luthor," he says. In the car, Lucy starts to freak out. Lois tells her to calm down. Lex goes to get the bonds. He pulls a silver briefcase out of his trunk and walks it over. "Nice try," Creepy German says. He pulls out a bag and asks Lex to put the bonds in it. Lex gets on the ground and starts to do so, at gunpoint. "Thank you," the guy says, and then cracks Lex on the head with the gun. At least he was polite with the pistol-whip. Lois, who got out of the car completely undetected, kicks the guy in the stomach. He finds a way to grab her anyway, and drags her back. He asks Lois if she wants Lucy to be an only child. Dramatic music plays.

Clark -- who was somehow left out of Lex's plan even though Lois got to ride along -- is on his own. He arrives at a warehouse area. He sees a lock on a big garage door. He snaps it open. It's a bunch of flower workers. The lead worker tells Clark there's no cash on the premises. Clark asks where Becker is. "Never heard of him," says the extra with lines.

Clark superzips to the scene of the hold-up. The cop car is there, lights still flashing. Clark finds Lex, lying and bleeding badly on the ground. "He's got the girls," Lex tells him. A train passes by. The camera cranes out. Commercials.

The day. A big red rig comes to a stop. The German criminal in the fancy shoes steps in a puddle. Lois and Lucy are inside the truck. They bang on the sides, but nobody's setting them free. Lucy says they're screwed. Lois snaps that she has a history of getting them out of jams Lucy gets them into. She plans to think of something. Soon. Lucy says this is not the same as getting locked in the mess hall. The back of the trailer bed opens. Lex's car has been parked neatly inside the truck. Lois asks the bouncer why he doesn't just go home, eat some Swiss cheese, and leave them alone. Oh there's plenty of cheese around here, believe me. Creepy Dude says that the Luthor well has "just been tapped" (he knows!), and that he's there to strike it rich. Tap it! Tap it! Lucy asks if they're being held for ransom. Lois tells her to zip it. Lucy and the loan shark exchange looks. Lois asks him to let Lucy go. She says that the world would be a lot poorer without Lucy in it instead of Lois. Aw, nice. The thief throws them a bag of sandwiches and tells them to eat up. One of them, he says, has no tomatoes. Oh, God. Clunky. Lois asks how the guy knew that Lucy doesn't like tomatoes. Lucy is like, "Busted!" Lamely.

Clark bursts into Lex's lair. Lex, holding a drink by the fire, is surprised. Clark tells him that Lucy has been duping them the whole time. Lex asks how Clark figured that out. Well, the warehouse was a fake and Lucy was the only person who knew about the GPS. Clark asks how Becker could have known that. Lex says he may have just been cautious. Clark thinks it's part of a bigger plan. Even her sneaking out was meant to rouse Clark, he says. Clark thinks it was all a sham to make him go to Lex seeking money. I guess that does fit with Clark's habit of bugging Lex for help. "She played us like a Stradivarius," Lex says. Grooooaaan. A very cute assistant walks in and tells Lex that Becker is on the line for him. Hey, this is Ted Danson's Becker! What the hell? We travel Inside the Actor's Ear Canal as Clark overhears the conversation. Becker tells Lex to deposit a half-million in Bearer Bonds in the abandoned truck he's left near "Cherry Hill." Lex, with his head injury, says, "That's not how it works." Clark superzips out of there. Lex hangs up. He looks around to find Clark gone. Subtle, Clark. Very subtle.

The truck is now moving. Inside, Lucy is apologizing to Lois for what's happened. Lois is mad that she's always stuck up for Lucy. She berates Lucy for all the things she's done for her. "Lo, I'm sorry," Lucy mutters. Lois says sorry's not good enough. She wants to know why her sister turned to a life of crime. Lois yells that her sister is "as close to freakin' perfect as it gets." Wow, with all this yelling, I have no idea how she turned out bad. Lucy complains that she was never perfect; she just played the part for The General. Lucy says that she always just wanted to come home. Lois asks why Lucy didn't tell The General that. Lucy says that it was clear their dad wanted Lois and not her. Eek. Lois asks what Lucy's talking about. Lucy says that's why The General sent her off. She always envied Lois. Lois complains that she was dragged all around the world. "You had something I never had," says Lucy. "Our dad." Lois bitterly says that neither of them ever had their dad. Don't be talkin' smack about IRONSIDE! He's the best!

The aptly named "Cherry Hill" highway exit. Clark stands stop it, just to drive the point home. He looks around for the trailer. Oh, what pretty Canadian-Kansas mountains in the background. Clark, up above the highway on the overpass, uses his super-hearing as he sees a truck approach. He hears Lois and Lucy talking inside. Clark super-runs to the other side of the overpass and takes a big flying leap. Squirrel power! He does his arm-flailing jump and lands on top of the truck. He slides across. Inside, Lois and Lucy are wondering what's going on. Clark jumps to the front of the truck. He scampers down the side. Becker pulls out his gun and shoots up. Clark catches a few slugs in the chest. Becker runs out of bullets. He reaches to grab another clip for his gun as Clark plays Young Indiana Jones. Clark punches through the driver's-side windows and clips a bit of Becker's face while he's at it. The truck swerves. Clark hurries into the cab and tries to steer. Inside the trailer, Lois and Lucy crash into the side walls. Lois hugs Lucy and holds her at the front of Lex's car. The truck stops.

Lex and his men arrive in GMC SUVs. They've all got guns drawn as Lex takes the lead. Lex opens the cab. They find Becker, knocked out and slumped over. Lex puts down his gun. Nabbed!

Lex's car is driven out of the trailer, and Lucy is led away by one of Lex's henchmen. Lex asks how Lois is doing. She says she has a newfound appreciation for seatbelts. How about "I'm shaken up a bit, but fine. Thank you for asking, Lex." Is that so hard? She asks what they're going to do with Lucy. Lex says he has no choice: he'll notify the authorities. Lucy suddenly drives up in Lex's hot blue car and mouths the word "Sorry" to Lex and Lois. She speeds off. See ya, kid! The camera cranes up to watch the car go. Lois looks after it in pain. She starts to sniffle. Lex looks at her, concerned. Commercials.

Lair of Lex. Papa Luthor is sitting in Lex's chair, annoying him. He complains about personal space. Papa Luthor tells Lex about Jason's recent visit. Papa Luthor explains the accusations of theft made against him. "Well, it wouldn't be the first time," Lex says. Papa Luthor says he's innocent. But, he says, what he was accused of stealing was so valuable that he almost wishes he were guilty. Lex asks what it was. Papa Luthor says that Lex should know; he stole it from Jason. Lex says that if Papa Luthor wants to play games, there's a deck of cards in the parlor. Papa Luthor lectures Lex about games. He runs down Jason's taking the stone from China and Lex's stealing it from him back home. Lex looks at Papa Luthor in total surprise. "You've turned hot potato into an art form, son," Papa says. And "hide the salami." Papa realizes that Lex didn't steal the stone: "Either you are the best con man in the world, or you are truly unbelievably naïve." He walks out of the room, leaving Lex to think.

Lana at her apartment. She looks around sneakily and walks to the balcony. She steps outside, unscrews a knob from a big pipe, and takes out something wrapped in cloth. It's the power stone. Lana is a sneaky girl!

The stars at night. Big and bright. In Kansas. Lois is looking through Clark's telescope. Clark walks upstairs to the loft and tells Lois she always says telescopes are for geeks and stalkers. Lois says she hasn't been a good judge of character lately. Lois says that she'll understand if Clark kicks her off the farm. Clark came to tell her that dinner's ready. He asks how she's holding up. Lois just talked to IRONSIDE! There was screaming involved. Lois says that The General called her the weakest link in the chain of command. Lois says she told her father to go to hell. She thought she had her sister pegged, but Lucy was a complete stranger. Clark says that if Lucy called Lois tomorrow, Lois would go to help. "Yeah, I would," Lois says simply. "She's my sister." Clark, easily duped, says he doesn't think Lucy is all that bad. Tell that to Lex's $50,000. "You're amazing, Smallville," Lois says. "You always look for the best in people even when they walk all over you." Clark says that's why he and Lois are friends. "Oh, we're friends now?" Lois asks. Clark snarks that he won't tell if she won't. They both smile. She clocks him in the arm on her way out of the barn. Clark goes to the telescope as schmoopy music plays. He stares at the sky. Two comets collide in mid-sky. What? Huh? The comets explode, and then keep on their path. I wish I were making this up. One of them is heading for Earth. RUN! Everybody dies! Game over, man, game over!