Sacred

Props to Roger from last week for costing me $621.22 in doctor bills. Man's best friend? Try man's lawsuit.

Also, quick joke, before I forget. There've been a lot of Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon jokes flying around this week, but I thought I'd share my favorite of all time. For a sketch we did once, Nick came up with the perfect mock porn title: "Crouching Behind Her With My Balls A-Draggin'." Sheer poetry, people.

We open in the humble Kent kitchen, where MamaKent slams down a book bulging with Metropolis University porn -- pamphlets and other info about the school. "Decisions," MamaKent tells Clark. Clark assures her that major life decisions are on his to-do list. Right below "Look up 'emote' on dictionary.com." MamaKent says that Lois is out of town, so Clark has no excuse not to use his brain, for once. MamaKent, circling around the kitchen, tells Clark that deadlines are coming up for college applications. She knows it was tough for Clark to give up his football scholarship, but that he has to start thinking about his future. Cape or no cape? Curly hair swirl or not?

There's a knock at the door. Clark goes to answer. It's a package for Clark Kent, although the delivery boy makes it sound like, "Clarkette," which is even nicer. "Sign here," the Asian dude says. And also, "I'll see you later in the episode...in CHINA!" Clark signs on one of those big metal clipboards, really high in the air so we can see it, and takes the envelope. "What is it?" MamaKent asks. It's a sealed manila carrier that holds papers or photos inside. Nice cut to a reverse angle as Clark says it's from Dr. Swann.

Bo, in the living room, announces that Clark and MamaKent should come see something. They're going to take these women and give them all kinds of plastic surgery and put them all in a freakish pageant! Nely Galan is a genius! On TV, a newsperson is saying that they have breaking news from New York. Bo somehow picked up on the story telepathically before it aired. Bo also picks up something like, "Ya house...it's on...FI-YA!" from another town, but chooses to ignore it. The reporter on the news says that Dr. Swann passed away that morning. There's a fairly recent photo of Christopher Reeve (not that recent; it's from before he died). The reporter says that no other details are known. Clark stares at the TV in disbelief as sad music plays. As MamaKent and Bo also look saddened (if a little weary), the news says that Swann would be remembered as a leading philanthropist. Clark says he just talked to Swann the week before. "I'm sorry, Clark," Bo says. No hug? Pat on the shoulder? Nothing? Fine then, Dad! I'm gonna be gay just to spite you! Instead, Bo takes MamaKent's hand, because she needs the lovin'. Clark angrily tosses a tiny piece of paper from the envelope onto the coffee table. Stupid envelope lint! He says he had so much more to learn from Swann about Krypton and Jor-El. Dude, just rent the DVDs. MamaKent says that Clark can be happy for the things he did pass on. Really good ratings for one whole week, for instance.

Clark slips out the contents of the envelope. There's a small folded piece of paper and a felt midnight blue pouch, seriously the kind I get at work all the time when videogame companies are promoting their latest sword-and-sorcery RPG. They're where you hold your 20-,12-,10-,8-, 6- and 4-sided dice. Clark feels inside the pouch without opening it, then unfolds the paper. Clark reads it out loud: "Kal-El, I wish I could continue this journey with you. But now you must seek out your father. If I sheltered you from him for too long, forgive me. Jor-El sent you here on a mission. He's the only one who can help you finish it. I am returning something that is rightfully yours. I know that it will lead you to your destiny." Wait, I thought Jor-El wanted Clark to enslave humans. Swann's all right with that now? Well, he's dead, so I guess he doesn't care anymore. MamaKent and Bo exchange tortured looks. Clark opens his geekboy pouch. It's the goddamned Octagon of Omar Annoyance. (The OOA.) What, no Lord of the Rings collectible trading card? Bo looks completely pissed off and frightened, like, "Not this octagon bullshit again!" MamaKent sighs heavily. There is no escaping the ennui caused by this geometric boogeything. On the news, they're saying that Swann was looking for intelligent life from the stars (well, he found life, at least), and that his work will benefit generations to come. Close-up of the back of the octagon. Inscribed on its beautiful surface are the words "Fuck you, Omar!"

The Caves of Contrivance. A cave wall opens up to reveal the Chamber of The Three Stones of Algotharah, or whatever the fuck we're supposed to call it. The cave slides open so easily that I think Clark may have had a garage door installed. Clark circles around the stone table with the perfect shaft of modern dcor lighting upon it. Clark looks at the octagon, and then inserts it into the Coin Slot of Galactic Video Poker. A huge bolt of lightning suddenly flashes in the caves, making Clark shield his beautiful face. "Not the cheeks!" he thinks. Terence Stamp, voice of Jor-El extraordinaire, tells his son he knew he would return. Clark is surrounded by electric blue Jell-O. They almost cut this scene, but the producers told the editors, "There's always room for electric blue J-E-L-L-O!" Clark asks why he was sent to find "this." The octagon? Jor-El says it's because Clark may be (note: "may be") the last survivor of a great civilization. Clark says that it can't be so great if it destroyed itself. Jor-El says that Earth's civilization will destroy itself, too, if Clark doesn't shut the fuck up and start doing what he says. Oops, Clark. Jor-El says that the knowledge of their world was encoded into three stones and hidden in different parts of Earth. By whom? Krypton goblins? Intergalactic FedEx? Nintendo of America? Jor-El says that if humans find the stones before Clark, they won't be able to resist the temptation to use them for eeeeevil, causing poverty, war, famine, and destruction. Are you sure somebody didn't already find them? Jor-El says that Clark has to find the other two stones. "The fate of the world is in your hands," says Jor-El. Oh, awesome. I was hoping the show would turn into The Legend of Zelda. The camera gets tired of moving all around Clark and his CGI soup, and things suddenly get very bright and shaky. We cut from this to the opening credits.

Commercials. I love the commercials with Gen-Xers talking about their McDonald's meal, like it's the conversational centerpiece of their day. Most people I know who eat McDonald's pick it up because they have $1.25 in their pocket and no time to get anything else. Then they scurry to their desk at work and eat it in a corner near the wall so nobody will see the crap that they're putting into their bodies. But the smell always gives them away.

The Talon, daytime. Inside, a phone rings. Lana hurries across a sunny room to answer it. "It's Jason," says the voice on the line. "Jason who?" Lana says playfully. Was that...a personality? Naw, couldn't be. Probably one of them UFO thingees that Peter Jennings has been reporting on lately. Jason, somewhere urban, says, "Very funny." Lana says it doesn't sound like he's on campus. Jason says he's in Metropolis for a few days on Lex business. It's the sexy way to travel. Jason tells Lana he can't talk; he's just stepped out of a meeting. He couldn't find a quieter place to make a call? Lana asks if Lex is with Jason. "No, I'm solo," says Jason. Jason wasn't planning on going solo, but Lex forgot to wake him up before he went-went. Lana says that Jason had better stay that way: "I know what happens to people when they run off to Metropolis." Nice, Lana. Bring up the ex-boyfriend for no good reason. An Asian dude comes into the shot and yells, "Quai-hot!" Lex is, yes. Jason grabs the phone in total annoyance that his cover was blown. "What was that?" Lana asks. Jason says he has to go. "Goodnight," he tells Lana, who is standing in sunlight. Jason winces after he hangs up, realizing his mistake. Lana looks at the phone, puzzled. Not from his "goodnight," but because she's not even sure if she's still dating this guy or not.

Jason walks off, and the camera pulls back to reveal China if it were the sex city main square from Minority Report. There's even a giant search light pointing down the street. Jason's phone rings. Lex is on the line. Lex asks Jason if maybe he skipped out on him. Jason says that "something came up" (heh), and that he had to leave work early. Lex asks whether Jason left to catch the flight to Shanghai. "What?" Jason asks. Lex tells him to turn around. Lex is on a cell phone. "Can you touch me now?" Lex, looking a little pissed off, walks up to Jason and asks whether he really thought Lex would let him into his life without keeping tabs on him all the time. Lex tells Jason sternly that he knows Papa Luthor gave him a map, and he knows Jason followed it to a temple. But if Jason thinks he's going to find it without Lex...well, that's just being a dumb employee. "Let's go," Lex says. He knows a great place where they serve hot boys on the half shell.

Jason and Lex see the same map on the garment. The map on it suddenly CGI-shifts to the real-world view of a tree with the temple framed in its fork. Mulana is already there, map in hand, having figured out what's up. She pulls red rose petals out of her pocket and spreads them while chanting, "Spectacu lapis." The Superman-8-ball symbol suddenly appears in the ground. Mist is all around. The ground suddenly fissures amusingly. A small sculpture of a horse suddenly appears from underground. It's Meteor! The Stompy Horse! Come to get revenge! Rock! Mulana looks scared. That's right, Mulana. He's gonna clobber you in the toe. The tiny horse statue has its mouth open all wide. It's hilarious. Mulana grabs the figure. She frowns at it. She takes it over to a rock and smashes it open. Bad Meteor! Mulana gets revenge instead. It's very sad. This had to be an inside joke, don't you think?

Clark, still in the temple, hears a piercing sound and covers his ears as soon as the horse is smashed open.

Mulana finds the stone, which looks more like a piece of smooth scrap metal.

Clark. Still with the piercing sound. He superzips out of the temple without being noticed by Lex or Jason, apparently.

Mulana is holding the stone in a piece of red cloth. But only for a second, because Clark zooms by and steals it. Like an idiot, he stands right nearby instead of running all the way to Nepal by now. It gives Mulana time to shoot a fireball at him and send him flying. Dumb-ass. Mulana grabs the piece from the muddy ground, again with the red cloth. It's got the 8-ball symbol on it. She covers the thing with the cloth completely and shoves it in her pocket.

The temple. Mulana walks down the same hall again. This must have been tons of fun to shoot. Clark superzips into the scene, standing in front of her. She informs him that nobody has sacrificed as much as she has for the stones. Clark says they don't belong to her. "Do you think that they were meant for you?" she snipes. She says they were left for nobody; the God of the temple hid them for his return. Mulana holds up her hands. Swords come from decorative pieces on the walls and land on her hands. She's Yoda! This is pretty damn funny. "In a godda big vamoose!" she cries. She puts the swords together and they glow electric purple. Clark is so screwed. Mulana hurls a sword at him. It flies in slow motion toward Clark. Kerpow! Right in the damn shoulder! Ouch! Clark is pinned to a column. He's bleeding. Mulana wire-flies across the room. Why didn't she demonstrate these skills the last time she was around? She can only use her martial arts when she's in China? She comes at Clark with another sword. He manages to pull the one from his shoulder. He dodges as she swings and hits the column. More sword twirling. Mulana keeps swinging at Clark and he keeps dodging. She does that little slow-motion leap in the air for no reason and they clash swords again. She leans backward and swings, spinning. I will say this about Kristin Kreuk, and it's not because she's part Asian: she looks pretty good doing this swordplay. It doesn't look completely crazy as it might if, say, Lois were doing it.